Ever feel like the spark has left your relationship? You're not alone - and there's more to it than meets the eye. In our latest episode, we unravel the intricate web of relationships, from the initial hormone-driven honeymoon phase, to the potential pitfalls of disconnectedness.
We take a deep dive into the significant role oxytocin - the bonding hormone - plays in relationships and the consequences when it starts to dwindle. Uncovering the impact this can have on physical health, highlighting the link between relationship quality and immune function, it's clear that staying in a disconnected relationship can affect more aspects of life than you might think. It's not all doom and gloom, though - we discuss practical ways to address and fix these issues.
Feeling the strain? We're here to help. We wrap up the episode with valuable tips on reigniting the connection in your relationship. We introduce you to our eight-week relationship reboot program, designed to improve communication and prioritize meaningful time with your partner. So, whether you're trying to navigate through a rough patch or looking to deepen a healthy bond, this episode offers the knowledge and tools you need to keep your relationship thriving.
Thankyou for listening, if you liked it, please remember to subscribe.
Join our Private "Thriving relationships - Deepening connection to self and others" community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1107209283451758/
Website: https://michaelandamy.com.au/
Join our free 7 day relationship challenge: https://michaelandamy.com.au/free-relationship-challenge
If you would like to book in a private discovery call with us, here is the link: https://michaelandamy.com.au/call
Ever feel like the spark has left your relationship? You're not alone - and there's more to it than meets the eye. In our latest episode, we unravel the intricate web of relationships, from the initial hormone-driven honeymoon phase, to the potential pitfalls of disconnectedness.
We take a deep dive into the significant role oxytocin - the bonding hormone - plays in relationships and the consequences when it starts to dwindle. Uncovering the impact this can have on physical health, highlighting the link between relationship quality and immune function, it's clear that staying in a disconnected relationship can affect more aspects of life than you might think. It's not all doom and gloom, though - we discuss practical ways to address and fix these issues.
Feeling the strain? We're here to help. We wrap up the episode with valuable tips on reigniting the connection in your relationship. We introduce you to our eight-week relationship reboot program, designed to improve communication and prioritize meaningful time with your partner. So, whether you're trying to navigate through a rough patch or looking to deepen a healthy bond, this episode offers the knowledge and tools you need to keep your relationship thriving.
Thankyou for listening, if you liked it, please remember to subscribe.
Join our Private "Thriving relationships - Deepening connection to self and others" community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1107209283451758/
Website: https://michaelandamy.com.au/
Join our free 7 day relationship challenge: https://michaelandamy.com.au/free-relationship-challenge
If you would like to book in a private discovery call with us, here is the link: https://michaelandamy.com.au/call
Where Michael and Amy your couples connection coaches. Our mission is to help couples thrive using a conscious and holistic approach. This podcast is for couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.
Speaker 2:Welcome to another episode of Thrive Again, your relationship podcast. You're here with Michael and we've got Amy here. How are you, Amy?
Speaker 1:I'm well, thank you. It's Monday morning that we're recording this, and it's always good to start your week off with the episodes straight up. Podcast recording.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what better way to spend a Monday morning?
Speaker 1:I know it's been a nice and rainy here, so it's just been great, it's been good to have a bit of rain, but, yes, so today we thought we would bring you a pretty relaxed topic, but something that will have a big impact on your life that maybe you have been pushing away or turning your back on, or maybe just avoiding it for the sake of peace or ease in your relationship. But we're here to change that up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're going to pull apart the consequences of being in a disconnected relationship and disconnected relationship, or just that term disconnect it encompasses so much within a relationship. Disconnect to me is that we're not really seeing or feeling each other in a healthy way. We're not really experiencing each other's energy in a really healthy way. That is because of XYZ being. You're not understanding my reality. I'm not feeling appreciated, I'm not feeling understood. You know, like the things that I'm doing for you are not equating to something that I expect I should receive. It may be transactional in nature, like we could just keep going on and on, but really the disconnected side of the relationship, or the disconnect within a relationship, it manifests into other areas of our life and that's what we're bringing light to today, so that there's some awareness into how this is negatively affecting not only your own life in general, but also the people around you and the energy that you're emanating outwards.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, and at the end we'll also be giving away some tips or some secrets on how to revive that connection, so it doesn't get to that point where you are suffering and struggling in that situation. So, yeah, it's a good topic. That I feel will be nothing new maybe, but it could just awaken something inside you and go, you know what? Maybe it is time, it's time to be brave and courageous and no longer allow that disconnect and in your relationship and take some steps toward a healthier and happier relationship.
Speaker 1:So the title that we had is Honeymoon Ended and I think for us, you know, our honeymoon period was quite extended because we felt that we could have a pretty free and happy life, because we were traveling overseas for a good part of our early days. So, but then I think we quickly changed when we got back from traveling after about two years and things got really quite serious and difficult and challenging and slowly this disconnect started to happen in our relationship. But yeah, I feel like the honeymoon period can lengthen or shorten depending on situations and the relationships and the people. But do you want to tell us a little bit about, like, the honeymoon period as such? What is that?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So the honeymoon phase. We need to understand that this is nature's influence on our relationship. So what happens in the honeymoon phase is you are missing all of the flaws in your partner because you are flooded with hormones that are assisting the process of bonding the two of you together. Now, nature's intention here is for you to procreate. It's for you to make babies, you know, because we want to just see. You know. Humans continue, you know, as a race, and that's ultimately what it is what's happening here. But this period only lasts anywhere from two months to two years. But what's actually happening here is hormones like oxytocin are helping us to bond together. Oxytocin is the same hormone that is released when a baby is actually born and connects to its mother's breast for the first time. It's a bonding hormone and what this does is this it invokes like a connectedness.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so it's the same.
Speaker 2:It's the same chemical. There's also dopamine, which naturally a lot of us are aware of, I think, but just as a reminder, dopamine is it's like a stimulus that comes to us that is so stimulating in a way that it actually our reward system within our brain is triggered and so we want more of it, and it's like a sugar fix or a cocaine addiction or a heroin addiction. It's the same sort of reward system is actually happening internally in our neurology, so dopamine is actually being released regularly. And then one that people don't really think about is adrenaline or norepinephrine, which is basically a hormone that actually lifts your heart rate. It's kind of like the thing that keeps you up at night thinking about your partner, right. So your heart rate increases, your blood pressure goes up, your alertness has risen as well, so you have that capability of attunement to circumstance a lot more. So what happens if we don't have these, if we remove this from the equation? Is we have?
Speaker 1:less. Sorry, I was just thinking we have all the issues of a relationship that we probably were masked or blinded, you know, like we didn't even see them were an issue when we when you're in that honeymoon phase, right, like the fact that you didn't pick up your towel or the fact that you left the milk out on the bench, all of those things were like, oh, I don't care, I'm just so in love, I'll just put it away. You know, like that, that feeling just kind of washes over your brain and covers it with this glitter and sparkles and everything's fine and perfect.
Speaker 1:But, then obviously that that fades and then all of the nagging comes out and all of the annoying. Why do you do that? Why is that so annoying? Or you know, all of those things start to play.
Speaker 2:That's right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so this natural feeling of connectedness is replaced with this primal fear and this panic, that we're trapped, you know, by this person, or we're abandoned by this very person who we thought was bringing us all the things that we needed. So, all of a sudden, this person, even though in the moment we think that they're taking away the thing that we're needing, what they're actually doing is they're highlighting areas where we haven't healed inside of ourselves. So, you know it's, they're actually doing us a favor, but we can't see it that way. Often, we just see it that they're the problem.
Speaker 1:But what it's?
Speaker 2:often doing is it's highlighting insecurities in ourselves, maybe some past things that we didn't get when we were a child.
Speaker 1:Can you give an example of something like that that you're talking about?
Speaker 2:Sure. So you know, I know, with with us when we were together, initially, like I think, I had a lot of insecurity in myself and especially that I wasn't good enough and I wasn't important enough. And so when I would see you speaking for those of you don't know, amy used to be a an avid skydiver and she's done over I don't know 700 jumps. So she's jumped out of an aeroplane voluntarily many, many times.
Speaker 1:It was.
Speaker 2:And so when I met Amy she was, right, probably not right in the midst of the, you know, like the chaos of the skydiving world, but you were definitely well entrenched in it.
Speaker 2:You know you had a strong connection with so many people there, and they included men.
Speaker 2:So I'd never experienced this in a relationship before, as in you having, or my partner having, kind of pretty deeply connected relationships with other men at the same time when I'm trying to have an intimate relationship with you. So when we went out to skydiving gigs or to you know gatherings and I would see just this like knowing with each other, because you've jumped out of planes together and things like that and actually even had, you know, romance together with some of these guys in the past too, like to me, I kind of naturally just felt really insecure and that just brought up or highlighted to me how I've never really felt important. You know, like I never really experienced that. So I've never really felt like I was number one or that I was appreciated, and so when I'm not feeling that, then that brings up my trauma, comes up in behaviors or jealousy, or look at me, why aren't you looking at me? So there was a gift for me, but I didn't see it that way.
Speaker 2:So, I'm hoping that that makes sense in that my partner is here to show me and highlight all the areas that I need to heal, but at the time I saw that you're just being flirtatious.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah right. So just tying that back into the honeymoon phase. So you didn't see that at the beginning. That didn't wasn't important.
Speaker 2:I guess we never really got to dive into that as well as maybe it should have, because we totally separated ourselves from that world and went traveling for two years, yeah. So I didn't really get to experience the depth of that I think, to the level that it could have been but what I did experience still was, even when we were traveling, like you know, there was just little moments where I just noticed that I was yeah, I was actually quite insecure in myself, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm just trying to tie it in for the listeners to kind of. What lesson can they take from that Like?
Speaker 2:sure.
Speaker 1:So like like in a normal situation, say, where this plays out with a couple and the guy is obviously got some insecurity issues and the girl, like, is just being her. So then if that situation comes up and over time, obviously once at the beginning you don't notice it, you don't realize it because everything's all about them and you know you're all both into each other. But then after the honeymoon paid phase ends and that those, all those beautiful hormones and chemicals aren't rolling around in our body, then it gets highlighted and is an issue. Is that what you're saying Is jealousy? The guy gets into being super jealous, or I?
Speaker 2:think in general terms I was speaking, not necessarily tying in with the honeymoon phase as specific, because it can work the other way around too. Like initially you're really jealous until you work out that they're actually devoted to you. So that can actually play out the other way around too. So I think, for the purpose of the honeymoon phase, I think we're just like to speak into the fact that we are supported by chemicals that help to haze out some of the floors in your partner or areas in your partner's behaviors that will come to light once that phase is out. So for me specifically yeah, that was probably what happened to me and I was just highlighting a fact of how trauma can actually play out in the relationship and we don't see it as a gift, we rather see it as a problem in them and that they should just like for you.
Speaker 2:You should just hone in you speaking to other men. You should just not do that. You're with me now. So that's probably more what I was speaking about.
Speaker 1:OK, sorry, yeah, OK Cool.
Speaker 2:All right, that makes sense.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm just trying to get it clear for the listeners, like what they might experience when the honeymoon phase is finished or ending, and I guess you just kind of said it there as like annoyed annoyance and frustration. And why are you doing that now, but they've done it the whole time? Or you just not seeing it then at the beginning and you start to really see it clearly.
Speaker 2:Definitely and the things that you need or that you think you need, it's like they're in the way of it now and often you might feel like for me. Sometimes I felt like I could be a bit trapped by you once the honeymoon phase was over, because you like to be in my space, you like to be really close and sometimes I just like to be on my own and have my own space a little bit at times and I kind of felt like all of a sudden, you're controlling my life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so that would come out in different areas, like when we went to the French Alps and we decided it was a good idea to start working in the French Alps cooking three course meals for people, but that just threw us into the kitchen. We only knew each other for four months and that's going to highlight some issues, isn't it? So it's the way that I'm cutting the potatoes, it's the way that I'm overcooking the salmon, it's the way that I'm not cleaning the rooms and all the stuff. So for me, that triggered off so much stuff in terms of control and all of a sudden, this relationship's a nightmare and I remember saying to you once I'm done, I'm just going to disappear because I'm just finished with this.
Speaker 2:It's like you can't even appreciate anything that I'm doing for you. All you do is criticize, and that backlash that I'm in my retaliation is the very thing that keeps you from trusting me. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a power struggle right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, back and forth, yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm going to be better, but anyway so we're kind of off track, but I feel like yeah, it was good just to get a bit more of a picture about when is the honeymoon phase ending and what happens in a relationship generally. That impacts us because a lot of couples do break up. They do break up after a year or two, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1:You're like oh, this is not who I thought you are, you're not doing the things I thought. Oh, I'll see you later. So there is some listeners maybe who are getting stuck in their cycle of not being able to have a solid relationship because they find that honeymoon phase ends and then they're like, shit, now what? So this is the phase that we're talking about where you start to kind of get that disconnection and you can either continue on that disconnected path and live, I guess, two separate lives under the same roof, like a lot of potential people do these days.
Speaker 1:We were, we were living like that with our children, but it's now like realizing the consequences of that so long term disconnected relationships. What is it doing to us and what sort of things should we be looking out for if we are in that kind of situation?
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, the obvious ones are just having a look at what it is Like. How is my mental health? How am I actually turning up in my mental state, Not only into the household, but just after when you were together in the household? How are you reactive? Are you actually in a stressed, anxious type way, or are you more of a recluse and you find that you just want to get away? Because some people have this behavioral style or adaptation where they're just like I need my space and when I'm here I don't feel safe.
Speaker 2:It's like I feel like I'm going to get criticized or abused or told that I'm not enough or that I'm not doing things up to a certain level. I know for guys this is sometimes a symptom that I'm sort of dealing with all the time. She's always nagging me and nagging me, but then when I want to be physically intimate with her, she's just not interested, and I think that this can then lead to communication breakdowns and you end up just cycling and these cycles end up just pushing us into a corner, and I think our mental state is the first thing that we can pay attention to as to how we are, Because if we're not good in our relationship and we're cycling over the same stuff, then it's going to affect how we're turning up, not only in the world but with ourselves, like how we're actually speaking to ourselves.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, and your motivation you're not going to want to do anything because you're kind of down or potentially depressed or anxious.
Speaker 2:Isolated too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah for sure. So sometimes we get even into these cycles and not even aware of them. Oh, this is just me, this is just how I am, this is just my life, and I think we can settle for that, sure, if that's what you're choosing. But I guess this episode is about kind of encouraging you to just actually start to look at this stuff and just take a little bit of notice of what impact it's actually having on your mental health and also your physical health, right, because that also can have a big impact when we're in those spaces.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely. So the physical health side of things is a whole nother area. You know, I've worked as a paramedic for many years and often what I found was the cause of cardiac events that happen is stress. And often when I get because I had this capability when I was in the ambulance service to kind of get down to an emotional level with people and that was pretty much, I would say, my superpower and that's why I've taken that and moved into this line of work what they would say often is like you have been under a lot of stress, oh, tell me about that no-transcript. More often than not it's stressed to do with their relationship, and so if we can understand that relationship, stress can actually translate to cardiac illness.
Speaker 2:I know that this is only anecdotal in my contribution, but actually the evidence and the research is suggesting that if we are in a disconnected relationship, there is absolutely a relationship with that to not only mental illness but also physical illness and it's associated with increased inflammation and compromised immune function and we just need to understand that. Now there is research out. There's a study done in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine that links relationship quality to physical health. So there is links there. We can't deny it. We all, kind of at a deep level, know that this is the case, right? This is not new stuff. We're not highlighting new information. We all know that if we're in a crappy relationship, we're currently not really good in ourselves, right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think this can be a little bit confronting for some people. I know. You know I've talked about this before and different things, and it's kind of can stir up stuff because it can kind of like, yeah, kind of deep down, you know, but you're too scared or you don't want to upset the apple cart or stir things up because it's okay as it is. I'd rather just leave it, even though I'm suffering and I bet you, your partner's suffering too. I bet you're there, they're not super energetic and happy and vibrant and healthy and like their life is, you know, all roses, while you're just sitting in the corner. I bet that's not happening, because if you're in that relationship you're both suffering right.
Speaker 1:So that physical and the mental health implications on a disconnected relationship. It takes so much courage to go. Okay, I want to change this. I want to make a step in the right direction to have a better life, but yeah, Alright, so with and you said it at the start bravery and courage.
Speaker 2:It takes bravery and courage to do that. I can think of moments where you know we had bravery and courage in order to shift or change things. You know, current state and our relationship, but like why would people avoid that?
Speaker 1:Because we don't like. We don't like any pain or suffering you know just as human beings.
Speaker 1:We love to avoid the pain and the suffering, but it doesn't have to be for long. This is the thing that we get stuck with, right. We get stuck with like the short, the long term outcome for a short gain you know what I mean or a short amount of time in pain, but it's not as painful as we all think. I think that's the other thing too. We all just make it out and ahead a lot worse than it actually is.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I definitely think we make up that story. It's the same with the work that we do with individual clients, with trauma worker, right Like we. There's a perception that I'm going to have to dive in and relive. You know the past and have to dive into that, but it's actually liberating you know, it's beautifully liberating, and that's what we're seeing with a lot of our clients at the moment.
Speaker 2:The couples have a working with is that? Oh, it's scary. The first, you know. Like the first session they're kind of, oh, I'm really nervous and scared and you know what's going to come up here. But by the second session, like, most of them are actually turning up super relaxed and like, oh, this is actually really healing.
Speaker 1:This is helpful for not only for us but for me, you know, I think, I think that's a a big part that we need to kind of highlight, that it's okay and it's normal to feel a little bit scared about facing the issues and leaning into the problems in your relationship, because it can stir up things. But when you're in a supported environment and when there's two of you to work through stuff together, it can be worth that struggle or worth the pain, because it can be amazing the outcome at the end.
Speaker 2:So staying on just and finishing up and tying on this, off this physicality, the physical changes or consequences, like we've talked about elevated blood pressure, which I absolutely had back in 2016. You know cardiovascular issues, which actually I had back in 2016 when we're in a disconnected relationship. I had heart palpitations, weakened immune system, digestive problems, weight fluctuations. If you have any of these things, of course it's not going to mean your relationship is in disrepair, but it's just tuning into. Hey, these are actually some of the telltale signs that I'm not coping so well and so my body's just giving me cues.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure, and they need to be listened to. You know our mind and our body is all connected. But yeah, we, I witnessed that with you. You were really unhealthy when we were at our lowest you know two young kids stressed out to the manx, all bunch of whole stuff. But yeah, physically it was, it was evident in your body, and I used to use alcohol too.
Speaker 2:You know I had this shift work thing, so I had to stay off the booze for eight days, but then on my six days off, I just remember I'd be drinking every day, you know so I'd be. Yeah, it helped to relax me, but yeah, it had just numb certain areas of suffering that I would have yeah there's always different coping mechanisms that people turn to, just to numb the pain or numb the.
Speaker 2:the reality, I suppose, is what we get scared at, and I think this year like is a reflection for me personally on how maybe that there's there's not anywhere near as much pain that I'm dealing with all because I'm able to just have a total year off alcohol. I don't need to numb anything as much. You know, as I used to need to, I had to I was just surviving. I was holding it together, so yeah yeah, good reflection yeah, so what else is another effect on or a consequence of being in a disconnected relationship?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I think the big thing that a lot of people are probably also experience is that just life doesn't flow, the energy of life, things don't work for you. It feels like it's like an uphill battle, like you're going against the stream. You know like it and that's what we talk about the impact on our life. You know, maybe even like the children, that they're, they're misbehaving all the time, they're naughty kids, but really that there's probably impacted from your energy and your feeling about what's going on in the family as well. So it could be the colleagues at work oh, she's just being horrible to me or she's being mean, but often we forget how much of a mirror our own energy is and we just reflects back to us what we're giving out. I know this kind of goes a little bit deeper into energetics and things like that, but we've witnessed that, we've seen it and we watch it with some of our clients as well. The shift in how their energy flow is or how their life flow can really turn around.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure. It doesn't even have to be woo-woo, it's just turning up to you know, I don't know, with the markets or the shops or whatever, and if you're already stressed, you bring that stress with you, and then somebody.
Speaker 2:You're already at tipping point and somebody just says something and you perceive it in a negative way when it actually wasn't. All of a sudden, because you're looking through these lens of negativity, then naturally you're gonna get poor results. Going out and about through your day, aren't you? And then you know, throw on top of that, we have to go to work, so normally work's the place we don't wanna be. So take your negativity into the workplace or you know you not having your cup full, but only full with stress and tension and my needs aren't being met at home into the workplace where you don't wanna be, and naturally, yeah, you're just gonna. You're just gonna not have a good experience there either.
Speaker 1:Of course, because all of that stress and impact from you know a disconnected relationship, mental clarity's gone, you know your creativity's kind of blocked. You start to withdraw and not wanna actually socialize because it's too much you know. So it does impact so many areas of your life this disconnected relationship.
Speaker 1:And I think I was saying to you before it's funny like people will go and spend money and time on like massages to reduce their stress, or which is great by the way, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, cause I do it too or they'll go and, like you said, buy alcohol to help soothe that their pain, or they'll go and maybe they'll go on a diet to try and get rid of the weight loss, or they might even do some workouts to get rid of the stress, but they notice that they're not able to actually lose any weight or gain much because internally their body and their mind is so Disregulated yeah disregulated and stressed out from the disconnection at home, and until they face that, that issue, then it's gonna be a real uphill battle for them, and that's what I feel like.
Speaker 1:Coming back down to, the core of everything is how you wake up in the morning, how you feel energetically, how you want your life to be, and if you can't turn and face the issues in the relationship as step one, then I think all those other things are just like a band-aid fix.
Speaker 2:They're not gonna get to the bottom of that.
Speaker 2:I also wanna add another layer to this, if it's okay, and Amy and I both teach meditation. We're meditation qualified meditation leaders and we love it because for me, it saved my life. It changed our entire life individually. It absolutely helped with our relationship. But even meditation is another thing that you might wanna go and try and yes, it might help with you seeing your own patterns in your mind, but meditation is not going to fix the cycles in your relationship, the negative communication cycles and patterns that you've dropped into. It's going to help with your self-awareness, definitely, but it's not gonna give you the tools, it's not gonna give you the ability to sit and listen to the storm and kind of validate your partner's experience in a way that's gonna provide safety for the two of you. Like, it might help towards that, but it's not gonna fix it. So again, it's things indirectly that you think are gonna help. They often are a band-aid fix, but I really think that turning and facing the problem is the key.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we said the consequences of staying in a disconnected relationship is the title, but there's so many it's so wide when you really dive into it so many little facets of your life that are impacted. So I guess now then what's the three ways that we thought we'd like to share to help people kind of get a little bit of that disconnection broken down, to get back to a better way?
Speaker 2:Hey listeners, I just thought I'd jump on here really quickly to share something new that is super special. Are you struggling to find time with each other in your relationship? Juggling kids' work and feeling the weight of staleness can sometimes take over, and we see the frustration and desire for connection and how, by not taking action, it leads to the same experience cycling over and over. Now envision an eight week relationship reboot, which is just 30 to 60 minutes a week. That can transform the whole thing, addressing the intimacy gap, rekindling romance and improving connection and communication. You'll be able to tap into shared dreams and envision a vibrant future together. This is for couples desperate to prevent further drift while committing to a bright future together. Couples who are short on time but desire a thriving relationship. What's involved? Weekly 30 minute live sessions with us. Weekly 30 minute Q and as, on top of that, to address your specific concerns for that week, and we're also gonna record the sessions in case you miss a week here or there. As a special gift for you being one of our listeners, we wanna offer you a hundred bucks off this powerful program. So if you wanna move out of staleness and rebuke your relationship in 2024, we're running our first intake in February. So use the code word thrive again to access this discount. Just visit michaelandamiecomau. Forward slash reboot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so the first one is communication, like by understanding how you're operating, watching the patterns as they unfold. You will then be armed with information that you may not be aware of, because if you can work out how generally your pattern plays out between the two of you, jot it down, write it. Maybe you don't have to get to the exact source of how the problem in communication started on that particular day, but try to try to get as far back as you can and note what happened. Then I retaliated, then she brought up some stuff from the past and then I walked away and disappeared and then she had anxiety because I was gone.
Speaker 2:However, it plays out note what happens. If you can note what happens, then generally that's what plays out time and time again. And then the next step is to start to install a new strategy, Start to work out how can we do this better, and that's normally not an easy process, but it can be done if you're both willing and able, and that's the thing you need to have both have commitment and maturity to be able to tackle this, and that's why people come to us Like they're just their communication is is that's a biggest thing, right?
Speaker 1:Normally. Oh yeah, a hundred percent, but we've also got an episode on that too. If anyone wants to go back, I think I can't remember, maybe one of the top four.
Speaker 2:It might be episode three and it's about building a communication sanctuary. Yeah, that's right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, a three step approach or something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's all.
Speaker 1:So if you want to have a listen to that episode, if you haven't already, we do dive into the communication a little bit better. But, the most important part of why we kind of brought this up to build back the connection in a relationship is because if you can't communicate and means that you can't be vulnerable, which means that you can't understand each other- which means that you won't feel safe around each other, which means that you you can't trust.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And that's just going to lead to more disconnection. So it's a big one, guys. And if you need help, we're always here. But step one and maybe look at their podcast in our previous episodes, and then step two is maybe reach out and just give us a call for a free strategy session to see if we can give you a steer in the right direction.
Speaker 2:Anyway, yeah, but start with just jotting down the pattern. Yeah, yeah, yeah, noted it for sure. What's the second one?
Speaker 1:Second one is start to prioritize the relationship right.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's hard, I've got no time. Oh see that voice that you use. Then Is that how our clients speak?
Speaker 1:Yes, I think it is sometimes.
Speaker 2:It does my head in, if you want to help.
Speaker 1:If you want to fix something, then you've got to spend time on it. You've got to dedicate some time or prioritize it. You can't just expect it's going to magically get better. And I feel like sometimes, as much as we love our job, this is a bit of a bugbear for me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is, isn't it, it is. But this is how I like to and how I communicate it. The other day is like what if you had a surprise illness that required you to go to hospital, you know, for two hours once every week from now on, and you needed to do it, otherwise you're going to die, would you do it? Yeah?
Speaker 2:of course You'd probably find a gap You'd make it, but I really firmly believe that you don't need two hours a week for this. I actually think that short, sharp, little pockets of time intentional pockets of time to work, or not even to work on anything, just to be in each other's company, to actually appreciate each other, to see where each other, at doing a check-in, you know what are you currently struggling with, what's bothering you at the moment? Is there any way in which I can help you right now? What about your goals? What are your goals for next year? I'm really curious. These kind of questions they don't get asked.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely, and you know, like we've said before, but like any good garden, it needs fertilizer and water and attention. So if you want your garden of relationship to blossom and bloom and bring that love and intimacy back, then, yeah, it needs a little bit of extra care and love to do that.
Speaker 2:A bit of blood and bone, a bit of blood and bone in there.
Speaker 1:That's what you'd like to put in there, wouldn't you All? Right lastly, what's our third tip or ways to bring back the connection for some couples?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think, most of the time a symptom of living two separate lives and having our own separate roles. We also have our own separate and individual aspirations. Some people don't have any at all, you know. But and that's super unhealthy, I believe. But not having a shared vision together is really unhealthy for your relationship because, therefore, you're just being blown around in the wind a bit, you don't have anything that you're anchored to and you don't really have an invested future together. Consciously, you know that you're moving towards.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. You've got no path to head on, you don't? Know which path to go, because nothing's clear.
Speaker 2:Day by day. You're just living it.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So yeah, a shared common goal or dream to both invest, to be invested in emotionally to help you to get back on track.
Speaker 2:Yeah for sure, and you know we've got really close friends of ours who live just around the, up the road and just to walk into their house one time, and then the sunny coast, and they just had this beautiful vision board together. You know, they'd actually mapped out how things are going to look and how they want things to go, and whether that happens or not, the fact that that is like a token of togetherness, that we're in this together and we have a shared vision, is very, very healthy at an unconscious level.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely, because it keeps you back on that same trajectory together, as opposed to going off and leading to separation or divorce or more disconnect. Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:So just to kind of recap those three again. So if you were to do anything after this episode and you really want to revive the connection between the two of you, if you're feeling some of the disconnect and those consequences we spoke about. The first one was communication reboot. Just have a look, firstly, at what you guys are doing together in terms of communicating. Where does it start to really fall apart and disrupt in? You know the pattern, note the pattern.
Speaker 1:The second one is prioritizing the relationship, like make time for it. You know intentional time for yeah really quickly.
Speaker 2:How would you actually do that if you never do that already? Like what would you do? Yeah, Like as in how would you bring it up?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I guess you would just kind of say, hey, I'd love to spend a bit more time with you. We never spend time together anymore. Could we organize something where we have a cup of tea?
Speaker 2:this afternoon tonight, you know and sit down, love a cup of tea?
Speaker 1:No, no, good old cup of tea.
Speaker 2:That's my favorite time A cup of tea with you.
Speaker 1:I'm not sure of many other Couples or a glass of wine, or a beer, whatever their favorite thing is to do together. But yeah, it is a really important process to bring back that connection because it shows that you're interested in wanting to spend time with your partner. Because if you're getting to that point then you're probably like I don't want to do anything to do with you. Then it's kind of like shows that you actually do desire to be with them and reaching out for that, you know acceptance.
Speaker 2:And I reckon, even if you you aren't physically intimate anymore, you know if you actually not engaging in that way with your partner anymore. Just take the pressure off all of that, Don't worry about that. Just start with this, Start with seeing each other again, Becoming, like moving from just that friendship energy to hey, I'm just, I really want to know you again. You know I really want to, I really want to deepen my knowing with you again. Can we just like just dedicate this time regularly?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. And then, lastly, the last one is building shared dreams. So you know, like having a goal that you both are interested in and spending time. To nut it out, number one and number two is to really work on it, work towards it, and how is it going to? How are you going to do that together? Yeah, so that's it I think that's a bit of a summary of what we would recommend if couples are in that situation.
Speaker 2:And it's. It's sometimes not easy to make that shift in putting attention on the relationship and most of the time it's because there's distractions. So just be aware of the distractions, be aware of what gets in the way, those roadblocks we call them, and see if there's a way in which you can bring some consciousness to the distractions as well and acknowledge them and say, yes, I am addicted to YouTube or my phone at night time and that is time that gets eaten up that I could be spending with my partner to maybe have a look at us again. You know, I think sometimes it takes so much pain for couples to turn towards the problem, but it doesn't need to be that way.
Speaker 2:You don't have to have a huge blow up and a massive argument and the kids are involved and then you've moved out temporarily. All right, let's have a look at it now. Why not just go cool? Let's just turn towards it now and let's just do some preventative work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely, and that's what we're trying to encourage you Just take the first step one step, be brave enough to, and have the courage to, actually desire a better life.
Speaker 1:Number one, and know that it's possible. Number two. So that's what we want for you guys is to have a thriving relationship. But if you'd like a free ebook, I've actually done a free ebook up and if you'd like that, you can either message us directly or on our Instagram or or Facebook page. Just shoot us a DM and we can flick that out to you. It just gives you a few more steps in that process as well. But we're always available for a free strategy call as well, and I know this stuff can be tricky and hard to navigate, but yeah reach out, and we've got that option for you.
Speaker 2:All right, beautiful listeners, we appreciate you, we love you. Thank you for turning up for yourselves again today and having a listen to us, and we'll see you on the next episode.
Speaker 1:Thanks guys.