Less Stress in the Holiday Season: How to Partner Through Pressure

Navigating the holiday season can often feel as complex as piloting a ship through a storm. Packed work schedules, family obligations, and financial concerns often push relationships - the very essence of the holiday spirit - to the back seat. Join us, Michael and Amy, your relationship coaches, as we weather this storm together. Drawing from personal experiences and struggles, we explore common challenges couples face during this season, discussing everything from financial woes to family pressures and shifts in routine. We lay bare our own struggles with disconnecting and failing to prioritize our relationship amidst the holiday hustle, with the hope of providing insights into maintaining your bond during this period.

Are the holidays creating tension in your love life? Is finding time for each other amidst the chaos of work, children, and family obligations becoming a Herculean task? Don't fret;  We'll explore the impact communication and expressing feelings can have on your relationship, and the power of a softer approach when addressing issues. Plus, we'll share a handy tip to help you manage stress in the moment: staying connected and understanding each other's needs. The holiday season is meant for joy and love, not stress and tension. Together, we'll help you make it so!

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Transcript

Amy: 0:10

Where Michael and Amy your couples connection coaches. Our mission is to help couples thrive using a conscious and holistic approach. This podcast is for couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

Michael: 0:36

Welcome to another episode of Thrive Again, your relationship podcast. It's Michael and Amy here, and this is a holiday edition.

Amy: 0:46

This is something that we thought might be very helpful at this time of year.

Michael: 0:50

Yes, high levels of value here. We're going to keep this short, sharp and punchy, but we want to introduce some ways in which you can partner through pressure, particularly through the holiday period.

Amy: 1:02

Yes, I think that this is something that we've experienced and we thought, thought that it was really important to share with our listeners, to take away and maybe encourage you to use some of these tips that we'll be sharing with you to help you in this hectic holiday season.

Michael: 1:22

Yes, and holidays. I mean we're in it now and we're experiencing some of the challenges already because we are continuing to work and our kids are home, and that in itself is a change in dynamic. But that's one part of the story for some couples that might be listening. That's a shift in dynamic in itself when the kids are not at school and the routine's a bit out and maybe you still need to work or maybe you need to juggle picking them up, or there's some changes there. But there's also some other types of dynamic changes, which are very obvious, that come into play when we're talking about the holiday season.

Amy: 2:04

Yes, of course, there's so much extra stress around this time of year financial stress, the extra stuff with holidays and presents, and then there's also the family pressure of the people coming to visit or you're going to visit them, there's Christmas parties. There's so much going on at this time of year which causes so much extra pressure on a relationship and that extra pressure can actually really bubble up and where often your partner is going to be the person who's going to cop a lot of that extra stress and pressure. So we thought that this is going to be a really important episode to share at this time, because what we want you to remember is you guys are a team. Even after all this stress and pressure and holidays and family, you're going to come back to your partner. You're going to be with your partner ultimately. So we want you to maybe fortify the relationship or at least prepare yourselves for situations that you might get into that will impact the relationship long term, potentially.

Michael: 3:11

Yeah for sure throw in the mix during these holidays and it may be relevant for you it certainly was for us but you're throwing uncles, aunties, grandparents, cousins, extended kind of step, sort of mothers and fathers and things like that, and these people that we don't even speak to for most of the year, all of a sudden we're in the same space as them. So it throws us into like a washing machine of madness sometimes. So I wanted to firstly start with just speaking into our experience, really briefly, into what has been our biggest friction points in holidays.

Amy: 3:56

Yeah, I feel like within myself, just firstly, I do I get stressed out, like things really start to stress me out a lot more than I would, and probably a lot of expectation on myself to have things a certain way and have all the presence bored and the food thought about and like all of those things I guess that I drop into as a mother that you know, influence the way I show up and how I am in, you know, with my relationship and my kids even so, yeah, that in myself is a big thing that I noticed.

Amy: 4:30

But I think for us in what usually happens when we're around family is we start to kind of get quite disconnected, like you seem to do your thing, I do my thing and we're kind of these two individuals really working separately over this time because we've got other people that we need to kind of prioritize or we try and please our friends or family that are visiting at the time, so that that that's a really noticeable thing for me in our relationship anyway, yeah, and that plays into my desire to please everybody, and yours too.

Michael: 5:08

And at the end of it all, like once the Christmas tree is packed away and all the lights come down and everyone's gone home, we're left with just us at the end of it.

Michael: 5:21

So if we can look after each other through this period, that's really the most important thing. And and yeah, so definitely that disconnect that happens, it's very apparent and for me, look, I think there's times when I probably let you down repeatedly with me being in my own world and not being so attentive to some of the other areas within the household that are kind of needing attention and for you and you requiring attention and and sometimes I think I wasn't turning up in the past in the way that I have more recently, and I think that some of the things there and the challenges to do with me needing to please everybody and me needing to be there for everybody, but at the same time, I'm just taking our relationship for granted in that time.

Amy: 6:17

Yeah, for sure. I think we've been on a big journey with this because, you know, rewind five or six years ago and it definitely was a different dynamic when we would go to family or Christmas occasions and, yeah, I would I would actually really struggle with you. I would find it very difficult to find any type of connection because I would be stuck in my own perception of what you should be doing and therefore I would just get frustrated and angry and and probably felt a bit of, like you said, let down, that you weren't taking things seriously like I was, because you're quite relaxed and I need to have things, you know, organized and in order. So it was, yeah, it caused it caused a lot of frustration inside me when this is supposed to be a time of happiness and connection and fun and lightness. It was kind of like, oh, you just annoyed the heck out of me. It was frustrating.

Michael: 7:14

Yeah, yeah, likewise you know. So I was troubled by. There was a dynamic that I have spoken about maybe in the past, where it's almost like you. It's like you get on this pedestal when you're around your family, and this is in the past, you don't do it now, but you used to and it's like you had to fulfill some sort of role where you were in charge and you had things organized and you needed to show that, and part of that role that you constructed in your mind, I believe, involved kind of being demeaning, demanding, overpowering. Sometimes you would come from a place of contempt in a way that you would address how I'm not doing things, and so that would just then further distance me from wanting to engage with you, and then that would further divide us. And then, when conflict actually happened, when you told me you know to do something or I'm not doing enough of something, then what would happen is I would become defensive or I'd just withdraw.

Amy: 8:26

Yeah, of course. Yeah, I can understand that too, like I can get that. That is the reality of what happened, because it kept cycling through that that's how we knew, because that's what we do like when.

Amy: 8:37

I'm around family, I want to be able to, you know, ensure that I've got the best facade, that our family is all together and we've got it all under control and everything flows nicely.

Amy: 8:49

And. And then I realized that hanging on, actually this is only upsetting me and our relationship and there's needs to be a different way and a better way. And I think it wasn't until like last year or the year before that I was able to actually express to you that this is how I, my experience is when I visit family, I get well, you know, even when I'm with your family or you're with me, I get this extra pressure and tension that causes this anxiety in me and I need to kind of overcompensate for everything that I do. So that understanding and then I could share that with you was the game changer for us, especially in those times of stress, and we needed to kind of pull together and be a team as opposed to two separates who would just kind of get our back up at each other and I would be contemptuous to you and you'd be defensive to me, and then you'd leave me and I'd have the kids and everything, and I felt very isolated and lonely and angry, I guess.

Amy: 9:47

So, yeah, it was. It was kind of a real cycle that we were stuck in and I didn't know how to break out of it because I thought this is just how it is, this is just what life's like when we're with family yeah, that's right.

Michael: 9:58

Well, that brings up the first tip that we want to offer you guys, because this absolutely transformed the way in which we experience holidays together. So Amy and I had a pre-emptive chat before everybody came, before the pressure started, before the pressure cooker was ignited and we were in the midst of it all. So this is something that we would love for you guys to try before you're in it. So it's a the pre-emptive talk is an opportunity for you to speak about what my worries and my concerns are before they've even happened. So we're actually giving each other the space and permission to speak up about. Hey, what are you worried about? What do you, you know, is there something that you kind of need me to support you with more through this next few days or weeks? And if we can ask that, then we offer the platform for our partner to speak up about what we're kind of concerned.

Michael: 11:03

What am I anxious about? And what happened with us was that you were able to voice hate when your family's here. Sometimes I feel like you just disappear and you're always kind of with them, and sometimes you're not attentive to the food side of things. It really gets me anxious, it gets me kind of worried about that. I've got it all on my shoulders and I can't relax. So you notice the the words that she was using was I feel this and I am stressed about that and this gives me anxiety. So that's the kind of language that you should be communicating, this.

Amy: 11:41

Mmm, mmm.

Michael: 11:45

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Michael: 12:33

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Amy: 13:29

Yeah, definitely, that was a real really being breaking or turning point for us, because I wasn't able to do that until then, because I guess I didn't understand what it was that I was experiencing until I could kind of voice it and express it.

Amy: 13:42

So, yeah, that that's a really good. Key takeaway from this conversation to the listeners is share that, share that and speak it and talk about it. And you know, it's really important that both of you are clear, like, actually, this is how you behave when family or friends come and this is how you behave. So can we please, you know, try to see each other's sides here and perspectives and work together ultimately.

Michael: 14:06

Yeah. So teamwork, teamwork's key. This is where the team's falling down. I'm seeing, and I need you to support me here, and so if we can have that chat when you're not flooded, when you know, when you're not stressed out, that's going to set you up for success.

Amy: 14:22

Yeah, that's a good one, Don't. Yeah, do that. Go and do that, go and do it, do it now, yeah have that conversation, because it's not going to be long when this get episodes gets released. I'm sure there's some, you know, weeks before you guys are going to be probably catching up in these situations. So, yeah, all right, what's the next one? What do you?

Michael: 14:40

what's another option or another way that we can kind of get better at reducing the stress and in this time of year, yeah, so Dr John Gottman speaks about softening your startup, and when we talk about a soft startup, it's in opposition to a harsh startup, and an example might like. This might be maybe I would disappear, you know, as part of the plan with, I don't know, maybe, some family members and we go to a cafe and I come back a bit late. Now, a harsh startup would be something like you said you'd be home on time, like from the cafe. So could you, for once, do something on time? You're never on time.

Michael: 15:31

That's a harsh way of obviously getting the message across. It comes across as criticism. It's likely that if you spoke to me like that, I would come back with some sort of defense. Yeah, because I want to defend my position, and so I would come up with some reasons. Some of them may be valid, some of them may not, but either way, I'm not focused on your hurt. I'm actually focused on me and the attack that I just experienced.

Amy: 15:58

Yeah, but I guess underneath that is pain. You know, that's the pain of like. I need you home, I needed you know we had this plan, I had this planned in my head and you weren't here for that. So yeah, even though you are hurt, there is a different way that you can express that to your partner without having the end result flare up in conflict.

Michael: 16:18

Yeah, and you know, maybe a soft, a softer startup would be hey, you know I love it when you can get back on time. You know it's really important to me and and you know about the anxiety that I experienced, you know, when I'm with the kids for an extended period of time. So if we agree on a time when you're back, is it okay? If you can make sure that you're back, then yeah, that's kind of a little bit of a softer startup and a way of still inducing some respect within the conversation, but addressing the issue and just also infusing into it the importance of it, because this causes me anxiety.

Michael: 16:59

Yeah, so it's not just about you, it's actually like me. Can you help me? Can you relieve me of this pressure and pain please?

Amy: 17:07

Yeah, exactly, and I think it's also like having the maturity of understanding what the deeper thing is, as opposed to just the surface layer of the anxiety or stress or just barking something. You know, it's like reflective of like. Actually, this is causing me pain here. Could you help me?

Michael: 17:23

with this, you know and that takes practice.

Amy: 17:27

But yes, it's nice to recognize there is two ways to do this right. There's two different ways that you can approach. You know a criticism or a. You know a way to express your thoughts and feelings.

Michael: 17:40

Yeah, Cool. And the last one is we've got a tip that is really important, but this is through the actual moments that you're in it through the moments of stress and tension and chaos, and the financial issues and the going of the shops and coming back, and then also not having, you know, the capacity to please everybody. And, yeah, in the midst of it all, what can we do?

Amy: 18:03

Yeah. So I think this is really important because, like you said, we can be so disconnected. So this is kind of creating that connection, those quick little things that you can do during those times, like you mentioned, that don't take long. It could just be like an extended hug, like just hold each other just to realize that, hang on, you're still together, it's still, you're still here to support each other and you're not creating that divide. So maybe like a 30 seconds or a minute hug, just connecting, or it could be a simple little check-in, just hey, in the mornings when you wake up, to say, hey, how are you going?

Michael: 18:39

Like you know how's?

Amy: 18:40

how are you feeling Like? What's coming up for you? Because, of course, you've also got all of the the history with your family too, that that can stir up emotions inside of you. So it's nice to actually be able to have that quick check-in it doesn't have to be long just to know that you're there. I've got your back, I'm supporting you here.

Michael: 19:00

And you know, a 30 second, a minute hug is great, but even something as simple as a glance across the room to your partner, maybe even giving them a cheeky smile or a wink to sort of message to them hey, I got you, like we're in this together and you're my priority Over all these people here, I'm with you and we're working together and I think just the simplest of actions can make such a profound effect to settle both of us in our nervous systems to know that, okay, cool, she's got my back.

Amy: 19:37

You know, yeah, yeah, it's beautiful, yeah. So I think that's our three little tips to be able to kind of reduce the stress through that holiday period so you are able to connect and still have that solid foundation that you desire. So, yeah, I hope that has that, has helped you and has brought a little bit of awareness to the stuff that does happen and we go. We know it, we get it, we see couples in this situation at Christmas time, so we hope that this helps.

Michael: 20:11

Yeah, for sure, and I'd love if you guys could give us a review. You know through this podcast channel that you're actually listening through. I know that we've had some great and amazing reviews and it's really important to us to keep this podcast going and to keep you guys thriving. We want to continue to offer free content in 2024. And we look forward to you know, you guys coming on the journey with us. We've got some really exciting projects and things for you guys to jump into as well, so we're super excited about developing those.

Amy: 20:41

And if you know of a couple that might benefit from listening to this before the crazy season starts, flick it to them. Share it with them on your favorite podcast app, whatever it is Apple or Spotify. But yeah, it'd be fun to get this out to help everyone have a very merry Christmas this year.

Michael: 20:59

Amazing guys. You enjoy the holiday season. We're going to catch you in a couple more weeks anyway, but but you have a beautiful day evening wherever you're at, and we'll catch you on the next episode.

Amy: 21:11

Thanks for listening.