Have you ever wondered how a mere act of validation can transform your relationship dynamics? How does acknowledging your partner's emotions and perspectives deepen your bond like nothing else? Welcome to our enlightening conversation about this secret ingredient of fulfilling relationships. Together, we, Michael and Amy, your relationship coaches, unravel the power of validation, discuss its essence and impact on relationship dynamics. We shed light on the importance of active listening, setting aside our own biases and truly understanding our partner's point of view. We delve into the detrimental effects of not validating your partner's experiences, and how they can lead to a lack of intimacy and understanding.
We also explore the role of curiosity in effective communication and how it can help build stronger connections. We emphasise the transformative power of practicing validation in relationships and provide some useful resources to assist you on your journey. We, Michael and Amy, share our personal experiences as well as tips on how to effectively validate your partner's reality. Our enlightening conversation ends with the announcement of our upcoming 2024 Reboot Program. This program offers a fresh approach to relationship building, focusing on validation and active listening. We invite you to join us and transform your relationships through the power of validation. You can find more details about this program on our website, michaelandamie.com.au/reboot. Thank you for joining us.
Thankyou for listening, if you liked it, please remember to subscribe.
Join our Private "Thriving relationships - Deepening connection to self and others" community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1107209283451758/
Website: https://michaelandamy.com.au/
Join our free 7 day relationship challenge: https://michaelandamy.com.au/free-relationship-challenge
If you would like to book in a private discovery call with us, here is the link: https://michaelandamy.com.au/call
Have you ever wondered how a mere act of validation can transform your relationship dynamics? How does acknowledging your partner's emotions and perspectives deepen your bond like nothing else? Welcome to our enlightening conversation about this secret ingredient of fulfilling relationships. Together, we, Michael and Amy, your relationship coaches, unravel the power of validation, discuss its essence and impact on relationship dynamics. We shed light on the importance of active listening, setting aside our own biases and truly understanding our partner's point of view. We delve into the detrimental effects of not validating your partner's experiences, and how they can lead to a lack of intimacy and understanding.
We also explore the role of curiosity in effective communication and how it can help build stronger connections. We emphasise the transformative power of practicing validation in relationships and provide some useful resources to assist you on your journey. We, Michael and Amy, share our personal experiences as well as tips on how to effectively validate your partner's reality. Our enlightening conversation ends with the announcement of our upcoming 2024 Reboot Program. This program offers a fresh approach to relationship building, focusing on validation and active listening. We invite you to join us and transform your relationships through the power of validation. You can find more details about this program on our website, michaelandamie.com.au/reboot. Thank you for joining us.
Thankyou for listening, if you liked it, please remember to subscribe.
Join our Private "Thriving relationships - Deepening connection to self and others" community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1107209283451758/
Website: https://michaelandamy.com.au/
Join our free 7 day relationship challenge: https://michaelandamy.com.au/free-relationship-challenge
If you would like to book in a private discovery call with us, here is the link: https://michaelandamy.com.au/call
Speaker 1:
One, two, three, four, Wear, michael and Amy, your couples connection coaches. Our mission is to help couples thrive using a conscious and holistic approach. This podcast is for couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving. Welcome everybody to another episode of Thrive Again, your relationship podcast. We're sitting back on the red couch today for another episode, so we like changing it up, don't we?
Speaker 2:
This is probably our third location.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, we've got three favourites, maybe even four.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, we've got the office, the red couch and the lounge room.
Speaker 1:
And the office down the shed.
Speaker 2:
We haven't done the bedroom yet.
Speaker 1:
No, that'd be a bit weird, wouldn't it? No Podcasts in the bedroom.
Speaker 2:
Now we're opening up a whole new level too, maybe in 2024.
Speaker 1:
Maybe, who knows what's happening. Alright, thanks guys. I hope everybody is having an amazing morning, day, afternoon, whatever you're doing. I just wanted to start just by a big appreciation to all of our listeners. It's coming towards the end of the year and it's been a really huge year for us and we're super excited. This podcast is growing daily and it's because of you. It's because of you guys listening out there and sharing it and taking away, hopefully, some sort of benefit for yourselves and your relationship. So massive, massive thank you, huge gratitude, and if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't be doing this.
Speaker 2:
That's right. We love you guys.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, if it wasn't for you guys.
Speaker 2:
We'd just be not recording. Yeah, what's the point?
Speaker 1:
Well, we'd have some good conversations, but yeah, no, it's really important to us. So, yeah, we're just extending that out to you. So today's topic it was tossing up a few different ideas of what we would share today, but something that's been evident in our couples that we're working with and something that we've probably learnt a lot about over our relationship, is the power of validation and validating your partner in their experience and their reality, and that's sometimes a really big struggle for some couples. So we kind of wanted to talk into that and we wanted to speak into, I guess, first of all, what is validating. What is that?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, so validation actually requires you to step out of your own personal reality and to drop right into the other person's reality and seeing if you can make sense of that and it's not necessarily agreeing to that, but it's actually making sense of it from their perspective. That's what we really try to get across to our couples and in fact, it's great to be able to do this with anybody.
Speaker 2:
It's such a powerful communication tool and if you can do this right, you will up level all of your relationships and that would lead you to living a more rich life, because, at the end of it, all relationships, I believe, are the epicentrary, the epicentrary of the human experience. I think so because, if you were in your last days on this earth, what's most important, I think it's the connection with other humans around you and your experience with them, and it's not the stuff that you accumulate anymore. It's the richness in just the interweaving between other human beings and how you actually interact with them.
Speaker 1:
Yeah for sure, the deep of the connection, the real true understanding. So validating and validation is about that deep understanding of another human being because, like you said at the beginning, you're putting yourself in their shoes, so you're trying to understand their experience and that brings a deep level of awareness to their reality and what their life is like.
Speaker 2:
But then also like if you're aware of your partner's reality and you're in it and you can really become them for a moment, I believe that leads to a level of trust, so that person can actually trust that what they say you can understand. And this is the area where the disconnect happens. Now people talk about intimacy and oh, my partner's a mismatch and there's just no intimacy or it's not.
Speaker 1:
The veto is a different desire.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, it's not exciting, or I don't even have that in a desire to connect with you physically. Well, from our experience, from our research, most of it is to do with that. There is a wedge between the two of you and often that wedge is misunderstanding. When I express something, it doesn't land with you to the level that I need it to.
Speaker 1:
Absolutely. Yeah, that's a good point about why it's so important to practice validation and to validate your partner is for that connection, that building that connection, to be able to lead to that intimacy, I guess, for a woman to be able to be understood and felt and to be heard in that deeper space that allows that intimacy, the physical intimacy space, to open up Like I'll be much more willing and find it so much more attractive and sexy. It's like, oh, my man gets me, he hears me and he can express that to me through words and obviously, as women, we're intuitive, so we will know if it's just something that he's, oh, yeah, make sense, yeah, I get that.
Speaker 1:
No, no, no whether or not it's actually received and actually experienced as well. So, yeah, I feel like it's probably bigger than we realize the importance of validation in a relationship.
Speaker 2:
But what happens most of the time if we're not really doing this process correctly, like what actually happens, like you know? Let's just say that you're expressing something that's really important to you, maybe something that you need to do, or really feel like there's a disconnect between the two of us, and you're communicating that to me, and then I jump into my own story about it straight away. What does that feel like for you?
Speaker 1:
Oh, it feels horrible. It feels like whatever I've got to say is not valid, it's not worthy, it's not even important. So what's the points of even sharing this with you, because you don't get it? So that's just causing this divide and I don't even want to talk to you. Yeah, so it can lead to really nasty separation, I guess in a disconnection, even though we're living in the same house. We could just be completely on our own journeys.
Speaker 2:
Yes, exactly so the isolation two people under one roof. We talk about this a lot. But yeah, if you express things and it doesn't, it's not able to be received, then you'll feel isolated and you'll want to go outside of the relationship in order to be heard and understood. But that's not really a healthy relationship, we believe one that is thriving, because then you have to outsource.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I did it all the time we used to go tell my friends all my problems, because they would listen. They would sympathize with me and empathize and oh, give me what I was looking for, because if I would share something with you back five, six years ago, longer, you would probably just brush it off. Oh yeah, then turn it around or make yourself right, because potentially you have to defend your role or defend your position. If it was something that I was expressing that you didn't like.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, so defending, defending. Why do we have the urge to defend?
Speaker 1:
Men in particular. I feel like it must be something like the masculine energy that needs to do that to prove their point.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I'm wondering whether it's a lot to do with pride and our own personal pride, and I think that that's a multi-generational part of our psyche where if our pride is challenged then we will be triggered. It means that we're weak or we're not doing enough, and that not enoughness, then you know that translates to inadequacy.
Speaker 2:
And inadequacy translates to I'm not worthy. Therefore, I did not wanna let it get to that point, so I will do everything at this point to put a stop to this and prove that I'm right or that I'm not wrong. Yeah, that I'm not wrong.
Speaker 1:
Absolutely, I can see that that's what plays out. You know, it's like the logical mind versus the emotional mind. You know, like men are in their logic and they're like no, this is the way I see it and this is who I am and this is why I need to stand my ground and, you know, be stubborn. I guess, in a way, because it's like there's no way that they can see the emotion of what is underneath the expression of whatever is being translated or expressed.
Speaker 2:
Okay, yeah. So what you're dropping into now is like that men find it hard to drop down to the hurt or the emotion or the the real emotional driver or need underneath that message. We're just stuck at the message itself yes, yes.
Speaker 1:
And that's why I think that the pride comes into it, or the defensiveness, because they can't drop into their emotion to see that the underlying reason they're just trying to solve it in the head of like why it? Could even be this way.
Speaker 2:
Solve it, so you just brought up another key point that actually stops the validation from happening too, so why is it like if you offer I don't know, can we come up with an example now for the listeners where maybe it's like I really?
Speaker 1:
Jump me to give you an example. Is that easier? So then you can practice that?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, maybe let's just do that. Yeah, do you think that would work?
Speaker 1:
Yeah, so maybe if I was saying something like maybe we'll use an example at Christmas time, like okay. So I find it really challenging when your family comes to stay at Christmas and I find that often I'm left to do all the house jobs and take responsibility of the cooking and the cleaning and you're able to just sit back and relax and have time with your family.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, well, what, if you're able to I don't know just pull me up, you know, and get me to kind of you know, to come in and help you out, or well, maybe you should just have like a you know, walk down the beach before we even do anything, before we even start the process of you know, getting amongst family and getting started for the day.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, that makes you like I can understand why you'd say that, but it doesn't make me feel like I've been heard. Because, again you're dropping into the solution of what could? Be the way to get around this Exactly, yeah.
Speaker 2:
So that's what we're speaking about when we're talking about men wanting to solve. The problem is I've just given an example which is like oh, why don't you just clear your head in the morning and then just do that?
Speaker 2:
But I'm not allowing her for that message. I'm not allowing her space for that message to land and for me to really absorb it and acknowledge it and appreciate it and actually even empathize with her at that point. So maybe let's just rewind and do that again, and then this time I might go through a healthier way of validating your experience.
Speaker 1:
Just before we do that. I think, too, like a lot of men in that situation. If I shared that with you, I think that response was actually pretty good, what you said in terms of responses. I think they'd probably jump into more of like a.
Speaker 2:
Oh, come on Like what about you standing on your high horse and you know what about me?
Speaker 1:
You?
Speaker 2:
think that I'm just sitting around hanging out with my friends here having a good time. I'm looking after people that have flown all the way from Melbourne and they're up here and da, da, da, da da. Yeah, so all that's probably a more typical response. I think I was just talking from the solvate point of view that I'm trying to solve a problem but that's not actually fixing it. So most definitely that's probably a more likely scenario.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, for sure, you just get defensive straight away. And then I would just feel shut down, and that's the point where I'd just be like, oh, what's that point? Let's just forget it. Don't worry about it, I'll just go on and I'd be more frustrated, more angry. Of course, this is what I gotta do.
Speaker 1:
I've gotta look after everybody and everything and go into my story and that kind of thing as well and again divide. Just, you go there, I'll go there. See, that's not gonna work, but yeah, sorry, yeah, I just wanted to express it. Probably what you initially said was let's go for a walk, or why don't you pull me up? I think that's kind of like the middle ground.
Speaker 2:
It is a middle ground.
Speaker 1:
The first response, I think for most men would be like defending get their back up. That's bullshit. I don't even do that, but you know.
Speaker 2:
Reverse it, reverse the blame to you. Yes, exactly, so I've had some history.
Speaker 1:
Let's just throw it in the mix.
Speaker 2:
And then that way I can actually have more evidence against your approach to me.
Speaker 1:
And that I think that is very, very common and that's probably what most listeners potentially hopefully they don't, but I think the majority of people would probably experience that. So, yeah, so, going back to how I guess an ideal situation would go when once I brought that up to you. So let's start again and say hey, babe, I just wanted to let you know that when your family come, I feel very stressed and overwhelmed because it's not very often that you help me with stuff around the house.
Speaker 2:
Okay. So what you're saying is is that when my family come up, like for Christmas, you feel really overwhelmed and the reason is because you kind of feel like I'm maybe separate from you and you can't really get help from me as easily. Is that right?
Speaker 1:
Yeah, that's it, that's it, thank you.
Speaker 2:
Thanks for listening and hearing me, okay yeah, I mean that makes sense to me because sometimes I can get swept up in attending to everybody's needs. And yeah, I mean I can imagine you feel really isolated at that time when you're doing all the stuff and I'm out there and I can just see myself. Now actually, yeah, and you're just attending to all of the things that you need to do and I'm not really helping, I'm not attentive, I'm not aware.
Speaker 1:
Is that kind of the?
Speaker 2:
feeling that you're talking about.
Speaker 1:
Spot on, and this is the point where the woman would probably cry because she's probably never, ever experienced her man to be able to see her like that and understand her reality. So yeah, so definitely that I hope you guys are listening and taking away a few things from this, because we underestimate the power of validation in a relationship.
Speaker 2:
We really do. Yeah, it is seriously huge this. If you can get this like, she's going to melt. You know, and when I, when I first started to initiate this process in our relationship myself, it took such a high level of maturity and a surrendering of my own reality, a surrendering of myself, a giving up of my story. It's when she delivers the message I'm so attuned to you and to your needs and to your pain and to your desires that nothing else matters other than that right now.
Speaker 2:
And if we do that, we're excluding everything else, including seven and a half billion people around the world. Ie my phone right and I'm focusing just on you and all I care about is listening to you, trying to make sense of what you're saying from your perspective and trying to imagine what you're feeling. If we can do those three steps, then what we're doing is we're overriding the disconnect, because she's just going to be like oh, he gets me, okay, wow. And when that happens, the walls come down. When she can see that time and time again, she's starting to trust you more.
Speaker 1:
And then that will lead to the intimacy right. Because we're so much more receiving and open and we can feel that, yeah, we can really trust and it allows us to drop into that space a lot of vulnerability which a lot of women are so guarded against because we haven't probably felt or experienced that for years or potentially ever.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, that's it. So see if you can shift your pride to the side men, Like that's really shift your pride to the side.
Speaker 1:
I like that.
Speaker 2:
That's like a hashtag.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, you should hashtag it Definitely. That's a big thing. Put your pride aside, and I mean, I think it's important to notice it's not just men, you know, because it was a challenge for me to validate you some experience as well because of my stubborn womenly ways, that we like to be in control.
Speaker 2:
That's one thing that women do well they grab historical moments and they pull them into the present.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, we've got to have some ammunition in there. We've got to back ourselves up.
Speaker 2:
There's some like files in your filing cabinet that you pulled out. You had to dust them off and I'm like whoa, you bring a nut into here. Okay, yeah, doesn't help, Does it no?
Speaker 1:
it doesn't help, none of that does, but that's because I didn't feel heard, obviously, so I needed to have to put some more stuff on the fire, but yeah. So I feel like just reminding you that it's just as important for women to be able to learn to validate and understand your partner's reality just as much as the men need to do it too. So I'm not saying it's just a one sided issue, because it's not, you're not sexist anymore. No, was I. Are you telling me that was sexist? You said anymore.
Speaker 2:
Well, now that you've said that statement before that it was so one-sided You're attacking men. Well, I'm only kidding.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, yeah, now you're getting confusing. Anyway so I think that's it. Yeah, is that what our message was?
Speaker 2:
That's what we wanted to cover, because you guys deserve a good relationship, not just a good one, a great one where you can actually allow your message, your message can land with the other person wholeheartedly, not just in a process. It needs to be shown viscerally that, oh, you get me. And if that happens, look out, because things are about to move to another level.
Speaker 1:
Yeah. So, pride aside, understanding that it takes some maturity and some presence and practice really, I think it's just the practicing of like, because it's all new. It's not very often that you have to do this, so put in that intention or that, hang on. Let me just take a backer step. Help me with this, because I want to understand what's going on for you. I want to understand your reality and for your partner to be curious about that too.
Speaker 1:
Curiosity, yeah, yeah that's another one that's important to add in there. But anyway, I hope you guys got something out of that and I hope it sits with you and you can take it home and understand the importance of this. If you ever need help with validation or communication, please reach out, because we do have a lot of free resources that we can offer you in this space. It's something that we're really passionate about. So, yeah, please send us a message.
Speaker 2:
Send us a message and we'd love to even offer you a free strategy call. If you guys struggle with this, if you keep hitting it against the wall and you're like man, she's just not validating or he's just not able to do this, then just sing out.
Speaker 1:
And don't forget actually we should say 2024, we do have a reboot program and a big part of that is validation or in the communication strategy. So we're going to be sharing eight weeks of short sharp sessions for you guys. If you are interested, it's on our website. It's michaelandamiecomau slash reboot and there's some more information on there. To come and join us for that program.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, it's going to be super powerful. We're really excited to bring that to everybody, because it's so affordable too.
Speaker 1:
Yeah exactly that's what we want. All right guys enjoy the rest of your day or night, whatever you're up to. Thank you so much for listening.