Have you ever felt that despite your best efforts, the connection with your partner seems to be missing that electric charge it once had? Cindra Banks, a relationship and intimacy sage, joins us to unravel the mysteries of reigniting passion and nurturing a fulfilling partnership. Cindra offers a treasure trove of wisdom for couples seeking to elevate both their emotional and physical bonds.
Our heartfelt discussion peels back the layers of traditional gender roles and the silent burdens they impose, particularly on women striving to balance the demands of caregiving, career, and intimate connections. We discover practical ways to harmonise partnership responsibilities, like chore lists, and move beyond surface-level bickering to unearth the deeper emotional currents that drive our actions and reactions. This episode is an invitation to redefine intimacy, moving it from a chore to a joint adventure in pleasure and discovery.
Wrapping up, we focus on the transformative power of open-hearted conversation and share how simple tools – like thought-provoking question cards and relationship apps – can act as keys to unlock the hidden chambers of each other's desires and fears. These shared moments of vulnerability are the cornerstones of a robust relationship. So tune in and let's explore together how to keep the language of love vibrant and evolving, ensuring that your connection with your partner remains a source of strength and joy.
Check out the connection cards mentioned: https://au.theadventurechallenge.com/products/connection-cards-couples-edition/
Follow Cindra Banks on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cindrabanks?igsh=MXQybHBhMGE5ODdqcQ==
Thankyou for listening, if you liked it, please remember to subscribe.
Join our Private "Thriving relationships - Deepening connection to self and others" community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1107209283451758/
Website: https://michaelandamy.com.au/
Join our free 7 day relationship challenge: https://michaelandamy.com.au/free-relationship-challenge
If you would like to book in a private discovery call with us, here is the link: https://michaelandamy.com.au/call
Have you ever felt that despite your best efforts, the connection with your partner seems to be missing that electric charge it once had? Cindra Banks, a relationship and intimacy sage, joins us to unravel the mysteries of reigniting passion and nurturing a fulfilling partnership. Cindra offers a treasure trove of wisdom for couples seeking to elevate both their emotional and physical bonds.
Our heartfelt discussion peels back the layers of traditional gender roles and the silent burdens they impose, particularly on women striving to balance the demands of caregiving, career, and intimate connections. We discover practical ways to harmonise partnership responsibilities, like chore lists, and move beyond surface-level bickering to unearth the deeper emotional currents that drive our actions and reactions. This episode is an invitation to redefine intimacy, moving it from a chore to a joint adventure in pleasure and discovery.
Wrapping up, we focus on the transformative power of open-hearted conversation and share how simple tools – like thought-provoking question cards and relationship apps – can act as keys to unlock the hidden chambers of each other's desires and fears. These shared moments of vulnerability are the cornerstones of a robust relationship. So tune in and let's explore together how to keep the language of love vibrant and evolving, ensuring that your connection with your partner remains a source of strength and joy.
Check out the connection cards mentioned: https://au.theadventurechallenge.com/products/connection-cards-couples-edition/
Follow Cindra Banks on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cindrabanks?igsh=MXQybHBhMGE5ODdqcQ==
Thankyou for listening, if you liked it, please remember to subscribe.
Join our Private "Thriving relationships - Deepening connection to self and others" community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1107209283451758/
Website: https://michaelandamy.com.au/
Join our free 7 day relationship challenge: https://michaelandamy.com.au/free-relationship-challenge
If you would like to book in a private discovery call with us, here is the link: https://michaelandamy.com.au/call
1, 2, 3, 4 couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.
Speaker 2:So welcome to the show, sindra Banks. It's so good to have you on the show today and I'd love for you to introduce yourself to our audience, just to kick us off and maybe tell us a little bit about what you do in the space of relationships and where you're from and all those sorts of things.
Speaker 3:Cool. Yeah, first of all, thank you for having me. I love connecting with people in the same or similar industries and just talking about everything that we do behind the scenes. It's always like such a joy. So yeah, first of all, thank you for having me. So I live on the Gold Coast. I moved up here last year from Newcastle, so a Queensland girl now and loving it. I must say it's such a nice, refreshing space to be.
Speaker 3:I've been in the relationships and intimacy space since 2019. I started a podcast with my previous business partner called the Relationship Show and we started talking about lots of kind of taboo things I suppose that people are scared to talk about and mainly that kind of sense on intimacy. So it made sense then to kind of go down that intimacy route in that previous business and then, when that kind of wrapped up, I started going out on my own in intimacy and relationships spaces with one-on-ones and couples and doing group programs and all kinds of things. And what I mainly help people with is reignite the spark term relationship, whether that is working with an individual in that relationship to reconnect to themselves, you know, sexually, to learn what turns them on and to have the confidence to then reconnect with their partner in that way.
Speaker 3:Or I work with couples, and in group spaces as well, to bring, you know, couples back together and bridge that gap back. That I, you know, I find, and I know we've spoken about this as well so many couples do have this really big gap when it comes to intimacy. And when we talk about intimacy, you know I don't just mean P and V like penetrative sex, I mean like emotional intimacy, you know, physical touch, intimacy, deep conversations, all of that stuff that's so important to actually get into the bedroom in the first place. So yeah, that's generally where my work kind of lies at this stage.
Speaker 1:Amazing, it's so exciting to have you on here and, like you said, I think you'll be such a wealth of knowledge for a lot of our clients and our listeners as well. And I remember, like because we've had a little chat previously and we kind of dived into I'm just going to get straight into it but we dived straight into, like some of the unseen kind of demands that people experience in that intimacy space Like there's sometimes I'm speaking particularly for the women. You know it's like a service or a duty or you know, in that area, and I'm wondering what is your experience with this kind of work with couples and how do you kind of start to shift and change that demand?
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's funny, I was thinking about this just this morning. I was talking to a couple of mine the other night and you know she was saying about how in previous times she has performed for her partner almost in a way. You like it's been the obligation, it was felt like sex has felt like an obligation and she has performed to that obligation in that setting. And uh, I think that is so common and you know I do hear that a lot in that women feel like it's an obligation, it's a duty that they kind of have to perform, they have to show up, they have to play a role, as opposed to actually, well, hey, like what do you enjoy? What would actually make you feel good in that space?
Speaker 3:And as well, for, if it's a hetero couple, for the male partner you know, I know I've spoken to a lot of men they don't want women to perform. You know they want to feel that deep connection to them. So it's like, hey, how can you hold space for, you know, your partner to be present? How can you go slower and have a more expanded process of like, what intimacy is? You're both getting that connection. So you're both getting like that seen and felt kind of sense of energy, rather than just like, okay, it's monday night, we haven't had sex for three weeks and we've got to tick it off our to-do list and then kind of move on with the rest of rest of the night and our society is so productivity based that I do feel so many couples do fall into this trap. Right, it's like, oh well, we better, we better have sex tonight. You know, it's been a couple of weeks.
Speaker 3:However, it's not something to be like cherished or look forward to or an experience. It's something just to do, to say that you've done it and then you kind of move on. So we do lose a lot of that, like you know, excitement, I know, for for one, if I'm doing like a tick the box type sex, it's I don't enjoy it, like I'm not into it, it's not an experience. I'm not like creating memories from that space. And what I find is then women like they wonder why they're not excited about sex. Like they're like I don't really know, like we used to have sex, I used to be excited about it, but now I couldn't think of anything worse. It's because, yeah, like there's obligation, there's perceived pressure, they're putting expectations on themselves to show up in a certain way Like well, I wouldn't look forward to that kind of sex either.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Yeah, I think you hit the nail on the head, and the part that I love I just want to pull out of that as well is it's such a misunderstanding, particularly between men and women. I think you know, in our I guess our community is that is hetero, but you know the, the, the miscommunication of like what the men kind of think that women want and actually what the women want. You know and and I mean we see this in all areas of our, of the relationships, right, and even in life we don't communicate well at all. But yeah, this is like this, like you said, it's taboo or it's unwritten or it's like we just think that they want sex but actually it's, you know, it's completely not what they're wanting at all.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, I think we spoke about this last time. I did a post about it about, you know, men. Women think that men just want to stick it in for better want of an expression, right? However, men are looking for that deep connection and women are looking for the same connection. It's just that the way that women go about it is through, generally through emotions. That's easier for women than kind of being vulnerable in their bodies to give up for that connection, whereas for men that physical intimacy of connecting with your penis, that's easier for them the emotional stuff is harder.
Speaker 3:So it's not that we really do want. We want the same thing. It's just that the way that it comes easily to express that is different. Yeah, yeah, and that's a huge shift of understanding. You know, because if you're saying to your partner, all you want is sex, all you want is to, like, put your dick in me, like all you as him, and then the men are saying, well, all you want is, you know, to talk about emotions, all you want to do is have these conversations, then you can see, like they're never, there's never going to be a compromise, that there's never going to be a connection, there's never going to be a space there to to connect. But if and I always say this to my clients like, if you can seek to understand what their deeper needs are, you know, if you can seek to understand what's actually behind them wanting to have sex with you all the time, then that is where you know the work is. That's where the conversation is. But a lot of people don't want to go.
Speaker 2:It's scary yeah, and and speaking, seeking to understand, being, you know, a first port of call, I guess, for guys and for women, like I love what you just said there, because that's just requesting, um, more deeper information about your partner and opening up that forum for you to have discussion about what you like, what you don't like, um, also what's okay and what's not okay. And if you just had that, if men and women just had that conversation even just once, like, because I know that a lot of like couples at the moment they're not even speaking anything about the physicality in sex, nothing. They just kind of, oh, you know, and then we just drop into it and then it's just the same repeated pattern which I actually believe. When you spoke about, when you spoke a little bit about how there's that kind of, oh, we just do it, that sort of you know, we should just do it. You know the should, we should on ourselves, yeah, I kind of think that you're right.
Speaker 2:Like society plays a big part in this, but history does too. You just think about, like, the 1950s and around that era. You know being the good wife, you know the servant of the house as well, and just that energy man goes to work. You know he's working hard. He comes home and then of course you should serve him, him, continue to cook him dinner, do the things for him. I just wonder whether there's a bit of a hangover from that period that still exists in our partnerships, that we connect and then we don't really know how to open up that can to sort of, hey, what do you want, what's not okay? And um, yeah, I'm wondering if you think that you know society historically has moulded us to become this, you know, gridlocked, I guess, energy that we've sometimes got in these longer term relationships.
Speaker 3:Absolutely. And look, I see a lot and I'm sure that you do too see a lot of stuff about this on socials that I don't agree with some of it, because some of it supports continuing to do this in terms of, like, creating polarity and things like that, and I'm like whoa, whoa, whoa, like this is kind of we're getting off track here. But yeah, I do, I do really think that it does have a massive impact because our systems are conditioned from, you know, historically, through seeing our parents do that certain thing in the home, right, not the sex part, but serve the men. And you know, we've seen, maybe our grandparents do that as well, like, probably to more of an extent, to serving their partners, to serving the men. So, of course, like, even even genetically, like we have that in us that, oh, I have to do this for you because you've gone to work and I've I've just stayed home, looked after the kids and you know, okay, well, you know this is my job too, but I guess I'll just give it up for you and I do think there is that expectation and that, like you you said, hangover of roles, and we're in this really interesting time now where those roles are being reshuffled and, unfortunately, what I do see then is women who do have jobs, who do have kids, who are still doing all of the house stuff and then feeling this obligation to have sex and then they're not having sex because they're so tired, and then there is a massive discrepancy and a massive fallout with their husband around this, which is why sometimes one of the first things I get couples to do is like a chore list and do a breakdown of who's doing what and doesn't really sound hot.
Speaker 3:But a lot of couples that come to me arguing about chores every single day. You know it's a huge cock, blocked intimacy, um. And once you kind of get that feeling fair or feeling like everyone's kind of helping out, then you do kind of reset the roles a little bit and it does become a little bit more of an equal partnership as well. When you're not fighting about who puts the bin out I mean there are room for these conversations that we've been talking about, like the understanding conversation or the sex conversation. If you're constantly nagging your partner or arguing about who put the bin out or who didn't put the bin out, or you know, know who left the cup on the sink, like I mean, forget about intimacy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, so true yeah.
Speaker 2:And there's always a deeper meaning to these little bickerings, isn't there? There's always something that's underlying it and, like you know, we've just. I think a good example is like we've just moved out to our block of land and you know we're living in an intimate space and I guess what was coming up for Amy was like you know a lot about have you built?
Speaker 2:this. Why haven't you done that? Like we need this toilet block set up, we need this going. And to me this is what I'm hearing, and I think the old me would have just maybe processed that as gosh she's on my case all the bloody time, like it's never ending. I can't do anything, right, you know, am I not good enough for you? And then all of a sudden, this story goes on and then I push back or I withdraw, and most of the time I would just withdraw and just crack a beer. But now I think, just through a lot of the work that we've been doing and and of course, when you're working with couples, you, you have to reflect it back in your mind.
Speaker 2:You can't hide um, now I kind of inquire as to what's underneath that, in myself first, and then I'll. If I have trouble with that, then I'll ask amy and and um, there was a a bit of insecurity around, actually around security. So, you know, security is a really important thing for Amy, and so there's a need for certainty for her, and so that's what it came down to. So I need to really help her to feel certain about our future. That doesn't mean that I need to have all these things done.
Speaker 1:It might just mean that I need to help her to drop into a level of safety and and um, and contentment in herself somehow that I've got this, we've got this, we're going to be okay yeah and yeah, and that's obviously a fertile ground for intimacy, then, yeah you know, and that's what we're talking about, it's, it's actually speaking what is underlying, underlying that nagging or that bickering, or that yeah that actual desire of what's important most and then that, obviously, like you were saying, sindra, it leads to that intimacy, it leads to that feeling that actually, yeah, I do desire you because we're getting each other.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we're meeting each other's needs.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and imagine if you two didn't have that conversation. It would have gone on for days. There would have been this whole miscommunication, it would have ended up in a conflict. And then you're like why did we even move here? Why did we do this? Like I can't trust you, blah, blah, blah, and it would have ended up in like a massive rift right. And then if you're having those rifts every single week because nothing's being spoken about, then it does end up being this intensely conflictual relationship which has no space for intimacy. And you know you two can also say this like agree, I'm sure that those conversations are hard.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, yeah, for sure like to actually go.
Speaker 3:okay, like I hear you your your need for the toilet block and I understand that it's not about me like that is so such a hard conversation to have To be able to hold someone's truth.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And like not make it mean something about you. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I say to my clients like you know, this is like an advanced level, like this is like what we're working towards, right. You know, it's advanced level communication because it's so easy to make it about you.
Speaker 2:It naturally unconsciously happens.
Speaker 2:I don't want to just say guys, but just because I work with a lot of men, that is, I would say one of the big cruxes of communication is the fact that they drop into defensiveness as soon as something's brought up.
Speaker 2:And it might even be that she's just upset and she's just bringing up that she's upset and then he feels threatened and then from that point he becomes defensive. Then she doesn't feel heard and she can't get her point across and then she just feels like she's suffocating in a relationship and so it ends up kind of cycling around and around and around until eventually one of them gets sick of it and how he would see it might be, she's just constantly, you know, at me, you know continuously I can't do anything right, you know, and from her perspective it's like I can't even bring up that I'm emotional or anything with you. So therefore I can't feel safe in this space, I can't feel like I can just talk to you and openly express to you, which is actually what's needed in the jigsaw puzzle for the two of you to be sexually intimate together, isn't it?
Speaker 2:yeah, absolutely and it just goes into this big, big spiral.
Speaker 3:I was talking to my partner about this yesterday. I am a I like to call recovering avoidant attachment style. Uh, and over, I guess, the past kind of six, seven years, I've really, you know, worked on healing, so I was very, very, very avoidant and I have a very secure relationship now, and it's just so amazing. However, my partner was kind of coming to me with something yesterday and it was, I mean, it was about her. Like it was just some stuff was coming up for her. However, the way she delivered it, I was just like it felt like a personal attack and I was like, okay, I'm feeling like this is a personal attack. I know it's not about me.
Speaker 3:However, what do you need from me, you know? Do you just need me to listen and just hold space for you? Do you want to talk about a solution? Do you want to just vent at me and I'll just be like, yeah, babe, that sucks, because for me, like, what creates safety for me is if you tell me what you need, you know, and I can hold whatever, whatever that is. However, if you preface that with oh, I just need you to listen, babe, like this is what's on my mind I'm like, ah, I can listen, I got listening, they're so good, you know. Or if it's solution, I've got a fucking solution for you. Let's get it, let's work that out. So it's just these little shifts, you know right, it's not like you've got to start like talking this, like emotional, intelligent language or whatever Like you can if you want, but it's just these little shifts that start to create the change that we're talking about.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so powerful, like you said. Just that preface what your needs, you know. Yeah, it's so simple, like you said, but I love that and that's a really good one for the listeners to kind of take away and actually share. I just need you to listen or I really need some help working out what to do here. That's key, I think, if we can start the conversation with that, instead of just offloading all of this stuff that we've got on our minds and then the other person sitting there going either you know completely avoiding it because they're not prepared for it, or they're trying to come up with solutions and you're not wanting that, you know. Whatever the opposite is. So, yeah, I think that's a really good one.
Speaker 2:I like that, yeah and also listening, like you just said. Listening if you just want me to listen.
Speaker 2:I don't know whether people can really listen um that well, you know at this point in time, because we're all going through our own personal crises, like, um, I think you know, just from running men's circles for years, I see that everyone's going through like a little mini crisis of their own and so when they're taking on board somebody else's information and despair and problems and troubles, then yeah, typically I think what we do is that we listen to respond, but I think we should be listening to understand, and it just takes a lot of presence to do that and to take yourself out of your own reality and your own stresses and your own issues for that moment to really just okay, what's going on, like I'm here for you right now.
Speaker 2:Let's go and then just open, you know yourself, you know, get that, get that, that heart, to just sort of connect with the other person. Um, but I just wonder whether you think that actually people's hearts are kind of closed, you know. I wonder whether you think and maybe we can, can talk about this, because I know for me I needed to go through a process of heart opening and I'm still doing that. I'm still doing that and you talked, you spoke about, you know, avoidant, dismissive type traits. I've got a little bit of that, you know, with my friends and and some some friends or, you know, generally people outside of my really close sphere. And yeah, I just wonder whether you think that there's anything that's coming to mind to maybe speak about in terms of people wanting to or needing to drop into their heart more.
Speaker 3:Yeah, Absolutely, and it's something that I'm also working on with my amazing chiropractor, holistic chiropractor. He's, like you know, your heart's been closed for well. I'm always 40. So he's like you know, 40 years, behaviors and patterns that we think that we need to survive, which we maybe did at the time. However, obviously now as an adult in a secure relationship, I could probably do some heart opening and you know I'm very flexible, but my lower back is so so not flexible, and it's just because I've been like this, you know, like closed off through my heart. This you know like closed off through my heart.
Speaker 3:So I could attest as well from personal experience that absolutely and I tell people when they are in those challenging conversations the first thing that generally I say the avoidant person, but you know the challenged person they'll close off their heart. So your shoulders will round forward, you'll kind of hunch over and you'll close off your heart. And what happens when you do that is like you forward, you'll kind of hunch over and you'll close off your heart. And what happens when you do that is like you said you can't be present, you can't listen because you're defending yourself, you're like I'm going to close off my heart physically. They don't even know they're doing it. Physically, though, I'm going to defend myself close off my heart. I might cross my arms across my chest you can't touch me here and you know that might feel protective for them. However, it's not. It's just your body is going into that like natural defense, of like when I was five. You know this happened with my family or this happened in my, you know, friend experience. It might have been the smallest thing, but our body remembers and we go into this defensive mechanism.
Speaker 3:So what I do tell people is, when they are in these challenging conversations, is to just try and the first thing is just like roll your shoulders back and just try and keep your heart open.
Speaker 3:Even if it's just for five minutes and you find yourself like curling in again, it's okay. And then just breathe into your belly, because that will generally kind of open yourself up a little bit. And even if they just focus on doing that while the person talks, they're going to be more present than the person who had their arms crossed, chest closed, like chest, shallow breathing. And this is this, you know, like I I distinctly remember with my ex-partner I'd be like on the couch. I'd have three cushions pulled up in front of me, knees up to my chest, curled into the cushions, and I'm like like I literally could be cornered. And I feel like I was cornered because I just like didn't know how to cope with those challenging conversations. However, how I trained myself is I just sat there. I was like you know what Today? Just sit here and just see if you can just be in the same room without running away.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 3:And then slowly, slowly, slowly, I like attuned myself, like less cushions, you know less cushions.
Speaker 3:Or maybe I can sit up straight, you know, or maybe I can, like now, listen to them, or maybe I can actually respond. However, if you've been doing it, like me, for 40 years, it's going to take some time to open up your heart and to trust yourself and to trust the other person to have hard conversations, like about sex, about your relationship, about you know I'm sad that we don't go on dates anymore. That really hurt me when you said that thing the other day, you know. But these conversations don't just happen overnight. It does take work.
Speaker 1:It does take self-trust and trust in the relationship and working through a lot of your past shit yeah, and I think that's where the biggest you know growth happens is when we kind of reflect on ourselves, because, yeah, I can relate to all of that what you said. I think most people probably can in some aspect. Right, but I think think what helps me to remember is the beauty of actually being human.
Speaker 1:Like you know what an amazing mechanism we've created to keep ourselves safe, right, and you know what a gift, in a way, that we've been able to do this because we've been able to survive. But then it's understanding that. But then, right, okay, recognising that it's okay, like you's understanding that. But then, right, okay, recognizing that it's okay, like you know, you're safe. Now you can open up, you can start to, to have these conversations, because, again, it's kind of almost for me comes back to like self-love and self-worth. You know, because if you, if you believe that you can change and you can have a better, you know, relationship, a better, a better way of intimacy and sex, and you actually, you deserve that, right. So it's kind of like let's, let's dive into this and, with some courage, cause it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure, it's, it's scary, and I'm sure there's listeners out there going, oh yeah, I know I should probably do that. Oh yeah, that's probably all shit. You know, there's people that are relating to this and I think that's the beauty of what we've, what we're speaking into, it's recognizing that it's okay, but we do have to start and you have to start. Whether it's slowly, like you're saying you, you were just very slowly, you know, shifting that pattern in yourself that was allowing you now to have this beautiful, secure relationship, and it's such a gift for yourself and a gift for the world, right? You know, it's like if we people can see more of these healthy relationships and they can kind of aspire to change and do the work, do this sort of stuff.
Speaker 3:So, yeah, and I think something that you said that, amy, was really important is the safety aspect, and a lot of women that I coach will go into these similar defensive patterns when intimacy starts to be initiated and their bodies will start to close down. And they'll start to go into that same kind of pattern because they've started to see it as a bit of a threat, because they have gone into situations in the past where they weren't ready or they were doing it for the other person, they were dissociating, so their body is like, eh, that's not feeling good, I'm not ready, shutting down, closing off, and that will often result in them pushing their partner away. So a big thing I get them to do and this is not saying you have to have sex when you don't feel like it. However, staying open to your partner for connection is just saying to themselves like I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm safe, obviously, when?
Speaker 3:if their partner is a safe partner, I'm safe, and just maybe even just holding their tummy or holding their heart and just telling them and then sometimes I get their partners to also help them with that so like you're safe, you're safe, you're safe, and maybe they just stop where they are and hold each other, or maybe she just sits there and breathes a little bit and just kind of holds herself and they both repeat that, that safety little affirmation and that basically, is just kind of telling your body like it's okay, like if this is not a threat, this is someone that you love, and even if that doesn't lead to anything, you both kind of dropped in, you both created the safety and like you're telling your body like it's okay, it's safe, I don't need to defend myself against this person and I can let them in, whether that be for a cuddle maybe they were just coming up to me for a cuddle but I pushed them away because I thought it was going to be sex.
Speaker 3:So it just allows them to open and soften and their partners to also come in and acknowledge that for them, which is so beautiful and it works, you know, every time.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I love that yeah.
Speaker 2:I guess what you're talking about there is also imagining that you've got different parts of yourself, you know, and for the person's perspective, who you were speaking about there like there's the part of themselves who really just wants to remain safe and secure and is in that survival state and the other side just wants to deepen, wants to connect, wants to open up, and so speaking to that part, you know, to the part that wants to be really safe and secure, that hey, it's okay and I love you and I'm so happy that you've been here for me and protected me and continue to protect me, even just the nudge of just opening up 10% to 20%, you know, might just be enough to sort of just have that little bit of connection, but that does require safety from the partner. That little bit of connection, but that does require safety from the partner. That that requires like paramount um respect from from the partner, from the partner, to actually facilitate that too. And I think that starts with um, what you, I think what you spoke about before was seeking, like actually finding out what's maybe even asking that question what's missing in our relationship right now. Imagine after dinner you just had that conversation three things that's missing that you think in our relationship right now and like really making a pact, that we are just here to receive information for the benefit of our relationship, that's going to open up, uh, maybe some truths. Yeah, and that's scary, but, like you painted before, cinderella was where it's scary, that's normally where the work is to be done and that's where the liberation happens.
Speaker 2:You know, for us, like we've been doing work on ourselves, you've been working on yourself, but that requires us to peer into our dark aspects of ourself, the areas that that hold a lot of shame, a lot of guilt and um, and you know it's not easy for the average person to just peer into that, especially when we're stressed. We don't have space for that. So, yeah, there's a there's. I think it just starts with peering in and asking those deeper questions. You know and that might be a good one for the listeners just what's missing? Top three things, you know. Let's just take it on board yeah, I love those questions.
Speaker 3:I recommend all my couple, everyone that works with me, basically to either get the question cards the name is now slipping out of my head, it'll come back Either to get the question cards, or there's an app called Paired, where there's a daily question and then you both answer it. So that's really good, especially if you're not together with your partner. We are not really strangers, that's what the cards are called. And's a couples um, couples version of that. The paired app's great, especially if you're doing fifo or like, not with your partner, and what they allow you to do, like you said, michael, is to ask these questions that maybe you wouldn't ever ask. However, the question cards.
Speaker 2:Yep question cards do this.
Speaker 3:What's one thing that you would like to explore in the bedroom? Oh well, that's a very you know confronting question maybe for some people, but we've got to answer it because it's on the question cards and we're going to hold a neutral space where we can both answer the question. There's no right or wrong answer, and we're just going to hold a neutral space where we can both answer the question. There's no right or wrong answer, and we're just going to talk about it. And you do just one of those every day, or even one of those every two days. You're just starting to have these conversations that are so much deeper than oh, how was your day, how was work? Have you fed the dog? Like, have the kids had dinner? Oh, I'll do the kids, you do the dog whatever.
Speaker 3:You know like, but that's what happens, right, most couples aren't having these conversations and maybe once a month, when they go out on their date, they're, you know, four wines deep. They're like ah, you know, I've got this kink that I want to talk to you about or something. And the partner's like ah, but if you're doing it all the time, it becomes like a you know like, you're working a muscle like anything else in your body. You're the communication muscle, the deeper communication muscle that you are working out to ask these questions, to have these conversations about things and to continuously check in with your partner. Like, hey, how are we going with intimacy? You know, how are we going with our romance? Like we haven't been on a date for three months, so let's kind of get that happening. And it just gives you these tools so you're not trying to think of these juicy questions yourself as well. I love the question that you asked as well before, but it's just kind of having these resources to be like, well, the card says we're gonna do it, or the paired app says this question, so we've got to answer it before 9 pm tonight.
Speaker 3:Um, and just these fun little things that couples can do, so they're not just trying to think of things to talk about all the time. You know, like we're not just talking about work, we're actually talking about deeper things, because really, at the end of the day, we're not in a relationship to just talk about work. Like we're not in a relationship to talk about the kids or the dog or the next door neighbours. Like that's not really why we got together with our partners. We want to talk about the crazy, wild, weird, wonderful. You know deep things beyond that. So these little tools help people get beyond that and start understanding.
Speaker 1:Beautiful, and I think it's something we take for granted so quickly. Like you know, I'm sure those conversations were like that at the beginning of a relationship, you know.
Speaker 1:I remember, you know, we used to sit and lie and talk all night, you know, and that was so exciting. But you know, before to, I remember, you know, we used to sit in line, talk all night, you know, and that was so exciting. But, you know, or before too long, it just kind of disappears and we need to almost like, yeah, retrain ourselves, like you're saying. It's a muscle, it's like let's get this going again. Let's kind of, you know, ask these questions to create this space for ourselves because, yeah, life's always going to be there, it's always going to be busy and hectic, but it's the, it's the effort that you put in those little moments. It can only be, like you said, 15 minutes a day with a question or something, just to have that space.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, actually, um, cinderella, just checking out your instagram and there was a post that you did, uh, and you basically had a few questions and you said save these and I've we've got. The first one is it doesn't always need to be the dark stuff, right, it doesn't need to be the deep stuff, but what are you grateful for in this relationship? What a great question. I mean, it's so simple, but how often do we do it? You know how often we do it. And another one was what do you need more from me? You know that's super powerful and I'm pretty sure that most people would be able to receive that information. You know, and that's really helpful, of course, in the bond that you have together, to even highlight some of the areas, that where you're not free in the relationship, where you're kind of bound up for some reason. And then, yeah, another one was just what is one thing you would like to commit to doing together this week? So amazing, super easy, super easy.
Speaker 3:Like Sunday night questions, you know, like have your logistics meeting. I mean, of course, all your listeners are having their logistics meetings and their relationship checking meetings, obviously. But, yeah, have Sunday night over a glass of wine. Just, you know three questions. And I like to do the grateful one every night before bed. You know, my partner and I generally do that.
Speaker 3:Uh, we've been a bit distracted with our little puppy, although we've been like, oh, we're so grateful for our puppy, um, but you know, like every night we're like what's one thing that you're grateful for today? And then, like you, what's one thing that you're grateful for today? And then, like you know what's one thing that you're grateful for in this relationship? And then, what do you need from me? So easy, like last week, my partner's like I need, you know, a few more kisses and cuddles. Great, that's so easy. Thank you for telling me. And then then she felt, you know like, loved and understood, and it's just, it's so.
Speaker 3:It can be so simple, like you know. Yeah, like you said, it doesn't have to be like this big deep three hour like conversation where you do eye gazing and then you've got to do breath work, and it can just be as easy as like three questions over a glass of wine or over a cup of tea or whatever it is that you like to do and just have that as your ritual. Like, start building these little rituals that are like 5, 10, 15 minutes. You know, most of my couples don't have much time, I get it.
Speaker 3:So it's like even if you've got your you know toddler jumping all over you, you can still do the questions, you can still have that ritual that you do show up no matter what, every single relationship ritual, and then you can start. Once you start building that foundation, then the intimacy can flow in. You start building that foundation, then the intimacy can flow in with that. Then you have your intimacy rituals. But couples aren't going to be able to get there if they don't have these kind of almost basics down. You know the conversations, the non-sexual connection. Those basic foundations are needed to then get to the more juicy stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what a powerful message. I think we just, you know, I think we really hit that home today, like that's so powerful that we've it's got to start with the basics to lead into that space and and ever, if we ever jumping into that expectations like we were talking about the beginning of the podcast of like duty or service or actually you know it's, it's okay to say no because we need to. We need to lay those foundations first and create that space for us to be able to have that, you know, intimacy later down the track.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and just to know that it takes time like this is my favorite thing to say to my clients. They're probably just like roll their eyes if they're listening to this, this podcast, right now. She always says that. But you know, you've got to think how many years have I been doing this pattern for Like for me? You know I was doing an avoidant pattern for probably like 33 years or 34 years.
Speaker 3:So it's going to take some time to reset my patterns. You know, to reset myself, just like if you have been having tick the box sex for five years, ten years, maybe you haven't had sex for five years, you know it's going to take some time to reboot, to, to reignite that spark to, you know, to turn things around, to lay these foundations. So, understanding that and both being on board with it, as long as you feel like you're moving forward, like a little bit right, like you're doing the questions say, or you're having a little love bubble every day, or you're having these beautiful date rituals, you're doing something right to move that needle forward. It is going to take time because we're working with the nervous system and we can't be like okay, nervous system. Well, you know you've avoided sex for the past five years and you've never had the conversation.
Speaker 3:But let's go, it's not going to work and that's why I don't teach that way. You know, I teach. You know nervous system regulation, everything first and then everything will just get laid nicely over time. So it does take time. However, most of my clients know that they want to be with their partner, probably for the rest of their lives. So you've got time.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah so beautiful. You've got time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that. Well. Thank you, sindraerella. It's been such a wonderful conversation, and one thing I love is is the relatability of you and the way that you, I guess, speak into the everyday issues that we're experiencing and how they can become a wedge between you know, between the two of us, and I think that that's really helpful, you know, for our listeners, and certainly, if, um, if any of the listeners are interested in finding a little bit more out about you, or maybe even doing some work with you, how is it that they would find you best?
Speaker 3:The best way is Instagram. I, you know I post daily. I'm on there all the time Lots of like free offers and you know, yummy things like that. So Instagram at cindrabanks. If you don't have Instagram for whatever reason, you can email me. Hello at cindrabankscom.
Speaker 1:Perfect, and we can put those details in the show notes as well, and I'll even put the name to those cards. Those questions yes, for sure, they're so good. Yeah, I kind of want to get some from them.
Speaker 3:They're so good, yeah, I kind of want to get some for us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you would love them. Yeah, yeah, amazing. Well, thank you so much and enjoy the rest of your day We'll see you soon.
Speaker 3:Thank you so much. Thanks, Sandra.
Speaker 1:Bye, bye-bye.