Thrive Again - Your relationship podcast

Reclaiming Connection in the Digital Era: Practical Tips for Connection

• Michael & Amy • Season 1 • Episode 36

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Ever feel like modern life is pulling you away from your partner? Discover how you can reclaim those lost moments of connection amidst the chaos. In this episode of Thrive Again, we tackle the pervasive issue of modern distractions, especially the internet and social media, and their detrimental impact on relationship satisfaction and intimacy. By dissecting some eye-opening statistics, we highlight how excessive online presence contributes to a perceived scarcity of time and energy for meaningful relationships. We then challenge the misconception that deep connections require long hours, offering practical strategies to make brief but impactful interactions count.

But it doesn't stop there! For those with avoidant tendencies in relationships, we delve into actionable advice on fostering connection, helping you and your partner feel more secure and satisfied. Through a gentle, non-confrontational approach, we break down strategies into manageable time frames—daily micro-level check-ins, weekly bonding activities, and annual getaways—that can transform even the most mundane tasks into opportunities for deeper intimacy. If you and your partner are struggling to find time to connect, this episode is packed with valuable insights and tips to reignite the spark in your relationship.

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Speaker 1:

1, 2, 3, 4 couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving. Welcome everyone to another episode of Thrive Again, your relationship podcast. Very excited to be here with another great episode for you guys. Hope everyone is doing well and I've got Michael here with me, as usual.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, we're both here and yeah, we just finished a couple session and we just had a beautiful little gap that we're going to make use of now to sprinkle some magic in the space of connection, because there's a void that we're noticing in a lot of couples, where they're just seeming to just miss each other. There's just seemingly no time to connect.

Speaker 1:

I think that's the biggest misconception in life is we don't have time. But if you really wanted to find the time, you will find it. So this is what our episode is all about. It's like how to have that thriving relationship but not having to invest extra time because we all well, not all, I shouldn't say that most of us, I feel like these days are time poor. We're not great with managing our time because of so many different distractions and reasons, and we'll go into a few more of those what we see in our work. But, yeah, if you are interested in finding ways to connect with your partner without that extra time, then stick around.

Speaker 2:

For sure, and I want you to have a listen to a couple of these sentences, I guess, and see if there's something that you would say or that your partner would say, or that you'd say them collectively together. My partner is too busy to connect with me. Life is hectic. I don't have energy other than for the roles that I'm doing. There's no way I can self-prioritize. Everything else is a priority, except for me. There's no romanticism, no passion, no life, no touch, no affection in the relationship, or at least not enough. Maybe we both want to connect, but we just don't know how.

Speaker 2:

So if this is you or your partner, then I suggest you listen in, because we do have some insights that we want to share with you today yeah, we're going to help you guys actually find some time for your relationship and connection when we are in these busy worlds and especially where we're at in terms of our distractions, and particularly to do with the internet and phones, because that is a big sucker of our attention, and I think we need to really admit that we, as human beings, we're not able to keep up with where this is heading, where what's being asked of us is to evolve so rapidly and to keep up with this technology evolution, but it's like almost impossible to keep up with how fast things are going, isn't it?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, I think it's taking us away from the things that really do matter our families, our time with self, our connection to the nature. It's really pulling us out of that opportunity and putting us into this virtual reality world. So there there is a study that's been done and, according to a data report, all the average internet user spent six hours and 35 minutes online daily in 2023. Pretty crazy. Hey, it's a lot of time in front of the internet.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's like a quarter of our life, you know in front of the internet and you know it's part of our jobs, you know, like for us, we use it, you know, through our day. So, yeah, I mean it's definitely replaced the way which we used to work. You know, for a lot of us. And the next statistic is the Global Web Index reported that, as of 2023, people spend an average of two hours and 31 minutes each day on social media alone. So now we're honing into a certain part of the internet that people are being drawn to and we know that we're addicted to this. Like it's not new news for us, but these are just little seeds that we're planting, which might be some of the areas which we're losing. We're losing our connection in the vortex, if you like absolutely.

Speaker 1:

And then there's also been a study on the impact on relationships, but it was published in the journal of computersers and Human Behaviour and it found that excessive phone use is linked to decreased relationship satisfaction and increased conflict. So the study highlighted that fubbing, known as snubbing using the phone in favour of the mobile phone, leads to feelings of neglect and decreased intimacy between partners. So we've all seen that. You know, I've got an image in my mind of you know, laying in bed next to your partner, but each of you are on your devices, blue light shining in your eyes, and there's no connection time there. There's no opportunity to communicate, understand each other more, find that space to be intimate or even just to talk. So I think we can really see the impact that our social media, our phones, our internet is having on relationships, and sometimes we use that as an excuse that we're too busy. But this is what we're questioning for you guys and challenging you guys are you too busy or are you just not taking advantage of these potential times where you could be connecting?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's the lowest level of intimacy lying next to somebody and you're both disengaged and you're both looking at your phones. I think it's lower than TV. At least you can share the experience of a television. You can't really share the experience of what each other are just scrolling through.

Speaker 2:

So, yeah, we're led to believe that on a deep level, like with our partner, that we need excessive amounts of time in order to have a fulfilling and connected relationship. But I want to actually challenge this. I want to. I want to challenge this that actually connection can last for a long time if there's a level of depth, you know, in terms of engagement, within something as little as two minutes, you know, and and that can really help us to float the relationship in such a healthy way. We don't need hours and hours, you know, often to kind of, you know, really connect. So the truth is, in our work, most relationships that are thriving that we see have the same constraints in terms of time as the average person. They're just masters at design and implementation with what they have available. So they just find the pockets of potential, they extract it and they use it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and that's what we're going to try and help you guys get a little bit better with. Today is is trying to find those pockets of potential and making the most out of those. So there's a couple of things that I think we could really simply change in our life as in relationships to help bring some more of these potential times together, and one of them is actually integrate meaningful conversations into, like your existing schedule. So this is what those couples that are thriving do even though they're busy, they still. They discuss our days and our dreams, but maybe while they're cooking dinner or maybe while they're driving the kids to school, or maybe while they're doing their bedtime routine.

Speaker 1:

So there is those opportunities and I know that there's going to be people out there going, but I can't do that. I've got little kids. That's never going to work. But I guess the invitation is to just see if you can find opportunity through your everyday, your existing schedule, where you can integrate some of these deeper or more meaningful conversations, not so much the tasks and the to-do lists, but more so the reflections on the day and the emotions and what's coming up for each other, so we can understand each other more yeah, I want to say that there's two things or two ingredients that you need in order to transform a mundane experience into one that is connecting, and that is presence and slowing down.

Speaker 2:

And presence is being with. Let's just say you've, you've got children and being present with your kids if you're going through a bedtime routine, and maybe if your partner's there as well in support, if you can be present with those moments, with those children, with that experience, then we can find the deeper connecting richness that exists inside that. But if we're rushing and we're looking to get an outcome, then we're in the future, we're not in the present, and then we can't ever connect. When we're in the future can we?

Speaker 1:

Because we're somewhere else, other than where we are now in our mind yep, yeah, for sure, that's a good point. I think that one thing that I like to do to create our mundane tasks into some sort of bonding is like pegging the washing out together.

Speaker 1:

You know something like that, like you know the water is like it no, that's right, but the washing might take like 10 minutes and that's a 10 minutes of opportunity, or maybe even five minutes. It's just opportunity to do it together. And I don't know if you wanted to do it in silence. You can too, because at least if you're present with that it's okay. But yeah, and to just have a discussion you know an opportunity.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you're getting a job done, but at the same time, you're connecting. Know an opportunity. Yeah, you're getting a job done, but at the same time, you're connecting.

Speaker 1:

So it's like stacking, yeah, even like grocery shopping. You know, maybe you could look at doing that together and not, and seeing it more as an opportunity to connect as opposed to a task or a chore. It might be even exercising together. I know you and I like to work out together sometimes or go for a jog together, those sorts of things. Things can give the opportunity to bond through those experiences.

Speaker 2:

One other thing that I'd like to bring up is you can actually create new rituals and rituals together. That does deepen that experience and that connection together. It could be something as simple as literally sharing a morning coffee before you disappear in your own lives for the day. It could be dedicating maybe just once a week just having a walk together for an hour. It could be, yeah, where you just have a weekly no technology dinner where you focus solely just on the two of you or just as a family, so you can actually kind of create new little rituals as well. Sometimes these take extra time, of course, but I really do think that the power of a ritual, something that is repetitive, can really be helpful in softening the. I guess the partner, who probably really does really desire that connective time, but it's not getting it, and would just help them to feel satiated in knowing that on Wednesday I know that I'm going to connect with you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, for sure, those pursuers or those anxious types of people. But the other thing that I think is really nice to share, that I guess we've been doing more and more and it's just reconnecting daily through small moments like it can. Obviously we have the the privilege of working together, but, um, maybe it's a, it's sharing a compliment, or maybe it's just like a loving touch or a really heartfelt smile throughout our usual routine. That just signals to the brain that that person's got me, they're there for me, we're here for each other. So I guess if you're working separately, it might be a text message. That can be that really beautiful. Hey, I'm thinking about you and I really appreciate who you are. Something like that can help with that connection as well. So they're just simple ways that we can start to notice the opportunities that we have.

Speaker 2:

We call it pockets of potential, those little times where you probably could be doing better than you're currently doing yeah, yeah, I reckon that if we don't have an intention of how we're going to allocate our time and when I say that I mean when we've got spare time outside of our work schedule if we're not intentional about where we allocate that time, if we're around the internet, it's going to do it for us like we're going to be controlled by these algorithms and they know what we're interested in.

Speaker 2:

The amount of guys that I know that are addicted to facebook marketplace is astounding, and definitely I've gone through a patch of that myself. So just that alone is there to draw your attention, even though you see it as like an opportune and an opportunistic type thing to look at because you might grab yourself a bargain. That's just an example of one area where you might get sucked into a vortex and really it doesn't provide any benefit for you, but in the moment you think it does. It might be a little escape and that's definitely important, but the algorithms are designed to draw your attention away from your own life. Yeah, so I think that the power of putting intention into where you're allocating your time and energy is so important, especially in this day and age yeah, for sure, absolutely yeah, because if we don't, then we're just going to be sucked into the vortex very, very easily.

Speaker 1:

So this is, this is discipline.

Speaker 2:

It's a little bit of um intention, so yeah I want to speak just really briefly about the intricacies of like social dynamics in a relationship where you've got one partner who is a real pursuer and wants to connect and really is the one that's driving the relationship to get better, and then you've got, maybe, a withdrawer who's typically kind of laid back, relaxed, kind of feels like that's more of a nagging type energy and just wants to just chill out over here in my corner and I I guess like this episode for the withdrawer would actually be more difficult than the pursuer, because the withdrawer just needs space.

Speaker 2:

The withdrawer needs space so that they can regulate themselves and the majority of withdrawers are men and that's just statistically speaking. That's, that's what it is. So if you're a withdrawer in here, it actually does require you to get the buy-in for your relationship to heal, for your relationship to to get that connection again, and the buy-in for somebody who has some avoidant tendencies. It comes in the benefit of. You're going to get what you want if you invest the time and energy into the relationship and if it's something to do with hey, I never get enough sex, I never get enough appreciation, I never get enough admiration, or it could be connection in other ways that you want, like really investing in this is going to be important for you, even though it feels like the opposite is what you want you know the escapism is what you want.

Speaker 2:

Um, your partner will feel way more satisfied knowing that you're the rock for them, that you're there for them, if you turn and face towards the relationship and put it as a priority.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I mean the world, and it will also settle your nervous systems for both of you, because you'll feel much more connected when you're interested in wanting to connect with your partner, as opposed to the feeling of being disinterested. Yeah, I think, um, it's that the buy-in is important and, um, ensuring that you're both on the same page, and that could be done with a conversation or a starting like a, with something like hey, I'm really noticing that we're feeling disconnected, or I'm not feeling very connected with you at the moment, and it kind of makes me feel a little bit sad that we don't have time for each other, is there?

Speaker 1:

something that we could work on to get better at this. You know it could start with that conversation first, because it's important to share with what's really going on for you. If this is a desire that you're wanting to spend more time and connect with your partner, then that would be a good way to kind of bring up the topic as opposed to, maybe, a criticism or yeah, you never spend time with me, like you're always on your phone.

Speaker 2:

You know that that that there is is actually quite critical, and then if you've got someone who's who's experiencing on the other end of that, they're going to feel attacked they're going to feel like oh, you know, you do not appreciate what I'm bringing to this now, and then you can cycle in a in a conflict.

Speaker 1:

That's not what we want so softening the approach and just saying, hey, I'm really missing you. Maybe I'm really missing our time, I'm missing you. Um, I'd really love for us to get better at this and some of the examples I shared before. That might be a great opportunity to to just start really simple. It's not like those huge big acts of weekends away or every night with date nights or whatever that is. It's really quite turning mundane tasks into connection activities, turning a gratitude, you know, sharing gratitude with each other. Being able to just put the phone down and sit with each other for 15 minutes every night just for a check-in hey, how you doing. Those sorts of things that we've shared are really simple and we don't have to invest a whole bunch of extra time right.

Speaker 2:

So I want to just give you three different time frames in which you can get better. So the first one is the micro level. So the micro level is really at the almost, at the daily, you know, at the daily opportunities that you might have. So it could just be a 10 minute check-in with each other, maybe when you're both home from work and you just want to do a check-in with each other so you can find out where each other are at.

Speaker 2:

Because sometimes it's a mystery, like sometimes I just read your face and I don't really know. I can just tell by. I think I can tell by looking at you, and then I make assumptions based on how I've interpreted your facial muscles and your body language but the truth, and then I might interpret that as, like that you got a problem with me. And then it becomes a real problem if I think that you've got a problem with me but actually you're just um, just about to have your period and you're just going through that cycle and so I've taken it personally. You're just a bitch and you know you've got something against me and I don't know what it is. I can, I can internalize that story pretty easily.

Speaker 2:

So if we can do a check-in, it, it's really, really helpful to just unpack simply where you're at and it might be just a scale out of 10. 10 being I'm amazing, 0 being I'm flatline, or anywhere in between, and then just maybe opening it up and asking questions like can you tell me more about why you're at a 6 and what's impacted you today, you know, to bring you to that? If you just did that and that's at a micro level, then you've got like a medium level, which is, you know, maybe on a weekly basis. So what is it that we can do to connect on a weekly basis?

Speaker 1:

It might just be like a walk together. You know, maybe it's on the weekend, maybe it's when the kids are at school, whatever. Just a walk together once a week for an hour. And walking's great because it doesn't feel so confronting and you can just open up conversations. Maybe it's just going for a drive together. It doesn't have to be anything huge or spending a lot of money either. So I think that's the medium you know, opportunity, or just an exercise class or I don't know whatever. Whatever you guys like to do yeah.

Speaker 2:

And then on the macro, we're looking at bigger connection type spaces. That might be once a year holiday, even just for two nights away, you know, or it could be something bigger. Maybe we just organize a retreat or a music festival or something that we just just the two of us go to, so just remembering like we love to include family. But this is just relationships at an intimate level that we're talking about here. So it is important for you to zoom in just at the relationship and go no, this is just for us. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

So that's some ideas to create those opportunities, but it's also, I want to speak into, something that's really important in relationships is boundaries. You know we talk about boundaries, but I'm talking about boundaries with our time, not so much anything else in this podcast. But ensure that it's really clear if it's important to you and your partner to have this time to connect. Ensure that it's clear that you would prefer, I don't know, from six till seven, no phones. We put our phones down and we have our dinner and we connect or whatever the structure is.

Speaker 1:

But I feel like if we don't have that clear, then there's going to be these weird undertones of you're not respecting what I need, you're not listening to me or oh, you're so nagging. I wish you'd stop, you know, particularly if there's one that's like can we please just put your phone away? I just want to be with you and you're like I've just got to do it. So this is I guess what we do in our house is putting our phones down at a certain time every night. There's no underlying confusion or conflict that comes from that. We've both agreed on it, the kids have agreed on it, and that way we know that there's potential there for a deeper connection without distraction yeah, it's a really powerful point.

Speaker 2:

And again, that's about just taking agency. You know, taking control, you know taking control of, you know, these pockets of potential. So we just ran a webinar around this exact topic and within the webinar we actually had this resource, that is, it gives you the ability to find these pockets of potential. It's almost like doing a little mini life audit and seeing if we can find those little pockets of potential for you and your partner to connect. And if you want that resource, please email us. Maybe they can email you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, just email me at amy, at michaelandamycomau.

Speaker 2:

Did you like how I just offloaded that to you.

Speaker 1:

I did. I'll just take that task. No, that's fine. Amy at michaelandamycomau, send me an email saying that you've just listened to this episode and you'd like the webinar and the free resource that goes with it to help you guys find those pockets of potential. I'll definitely flick that back to you. But yeah, it's really important questions to start to reflect on is in your relationship right now. If you're not spending quality time together working on the connection in your partnership, then what is the point of a relationship?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, because it just becomes this relationship of convenience where it's very transactional, and if I give you this, you should give me that. And it's just not a healthy place to be.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and maybe just even asking yourself do you believe it's okay to just exist together, as we are better than most? Or are you wanting a thriving relationship? And ask yourself those questions, because these little things do make a big impact, and I really encourage you guys to find deeper connection in the relationship, because this is where the beauty comes.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, Thanks for listening guys. Have a beautiful day, yeah have a beautiful day and we'll catch you on the next episode.