Thrive Again - Your relationship podcast

How To Support Your Anxious Partner Without Sacrificing Your Needs

• Michael & Amy • Season 1 • Episode 41

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Understanding anxiety in relationships can be a game-changer for fostering a healthy partnership. Imagine navigating the complexities of reassurance and unmet needs with the wisdom of Gabor Maté at your side. We promise you'll learn how anxiety often springs from unresolved emotional pain and how recognizing these roots is crucial for support. Through the lens of my own experiences with my wife, Amy, I uncover the clash between my laid-back nature and her need for control, illustrating the vital steps toward creating a safe and validating environment for both partners.

Our journey continues with an exploration of anxiety cues and the art of compassionate witnessing. Instead of rushing to solutions, we discuss the power of open dialogue and consistency in actions. Discover strategies to meet your partner's needs through effective communication, like using texts or calls to ease their worries. We also tackle the importance of setting clear boundaries, particularly for those with anxious tendencies, and how these boundaries can prevent frustration and enhance relationship dynamics. Learn to provide the safety and reassurance necessary for a thriving partnership, ensuring that both you and your partner feel heard and understood.

PS: If you want to uplevel your relationship through rapid transformation - Let's chat about our "Reconnected Union" live online program. Communication, intimacy and unity all honed in 12 weeks!

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Speaker 1:

1, 2, 3, 4 couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

Speaker 2:

Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Thrive Again, your relationship podcast. I'm doing it solo today again, your relationship podcast. I'm doing it solo today. My wife amy's actually um, doing some work with a client right now and I felt the the urge, with her permission, of course, to run a solo episode today. And, uh, and I really felt that this was prevalent, because we're finding that this issue comes up so much in our work and that is supporting your anxious partner so that they can experience more joy, more freedom, more happiness in the relationship, so that so that the pressure can be relinquished off. You right, because ultimately we don't want pressure in our relationship. And when we have a partner that has more of an anxious undertone, or maybe it's actually over the top, and they really suffer with anxiety, then, yes, that is their journey. But when we're in a partnership, when we're in a partnership, when we're in a relationship, it is so important for us to support each other in all of these parts of us, right? And so I really wanted to briefly introduce anxiety and what it is and and what I believe it really is, and from my perspective and from my learnings, and certainly from listening to Gabor Marte and learning a lot of his underpinning knowledge over decades of experience.

Speaker 2:

Anxiety is a response rooted in unresolved emotional pains and old wounds. It often reflects suppressed feelings or unmet needs from our past that still live alive in our body, in our nervous system today. So what we're dealing with here is basically a trauma response and, even though it may not seem like it is in alignment with, like, their symptoms in this moment, is not in alignment with what's really just happened. For example, maybe in my relationship I might have just not worried about, you know, tidying up the dishes and just leaving them there and then relaxing For Amy, like if she was feeling anxious, then she would feel the need to make sure that she controls that situation and puts everything away and makes it all tidy and we're talking low-level stuff there. But the lens that I was looking through because I had not experienced deep anxiety I was looking through the lens of my eyes and therefore I was speaking to her sort of like this I would say babe, you shouldn't worry about that, just don't, you're overreacting, just leave it. What's really going to happen if you leave it and you see what happens here is that's a total invalidation of her experience and it's projecting from my lens, from my lens of consciousness, and so therefore, she's going to feel unheard, unseen and all those sorts of things. Now, what comes up for me is that I sometimes may have felt in the past that I'm enabling that behavior by allowing her to do that, and maybe that's true. Maybe that's true. But what's really important here is how can we support our partner when they're experiencing these moments, without resisting them, without knocking them back, so that they can actually feel more safe, because, ultimately, relationships are going to be so much healthier if we both experience safety.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so let's get into it. And you know, for me I see this a lot, right, we see this in our work, and I think that if we carry on behaving in the way that we are, reacting in certain ways and invalidating our partner's experiences, then not only are you going to get and invalidating our partner's experiences, then not only are you going to get the same cycle, it's probably going to get louder, right, and maybe some of the, the anxiety, some of the symptoms that you might see or witness in your partner, if they're somewhat of a more of an anxious tendency to them, is, you'll see, like the need outwardly for reassurance. Yeah, they're looking for confirmation, they're looking for someone to ground them. They, they can be really restless. They can worry a lot. You know, generally someone who has anxious tendencies, worries about the future and what's to come and how I can mitigate circumstances in the future. And certainly Amy was like this and still has elements of this, for sure.

Speaker 2:

And for me, like I'm one to sort of be the opposite, right. So you can imagine the friction that we had, because I'm more interested in freedom, I'm more interested in, hey, let's just relax, relax, let's just enjoy the ride. And if she's worrying about what's happening next week and next year and and and so it goes on and on, then I kind of feel like she's not needing to do that. Why don't you just relax and I remember just saying that to her why don't you just relax? Why don't you take it easy? Why don't you chill out? I don't know about you, but if someone has said to me you need to chill out, right, take a breath, sit over there, then often that makes me flare up even more. And if you've got an anxious partner, I'm sure that you've maybe experienced that. So I'm going to give you a little outline here that's going to help for you to reshape the way that you approach this so that you can support your partner in a better way.

Speaker 2:

So the first thing is really just understanding the cues right, being attentive to his or her cues, okay. And the cues are just some of the subtle signs that you'll see in them that are anxiety related. You know A little bit of nervousness, a bit of kind of needing to know. You know, wanting that reassurance, wanting bit of kind of needing to know. You know wanting that reassurance, wanting to, to find out who that person is, yeah, and, and sometimes it might even feel like it's intrusive, that it's pervasive, that it's all-encompassing, right, and that they're going over the top with their behaviors. So when we see those cues, if you're anything like I was, I would push back on those cues. You know, I would challenge them and I would question Amy's need to find out all of this information. You know, can't you just trust yourself? Can't you trust me? Why? Why do you act like this? And this is such an important key point, because what we've done is we've actually missed a crucial step in communication here. If we jump straight to the why and look to fix their problem and look to change them or remodel the way that they're operating, then we've missed such an important step in this process and that is to be the witness of her suffering, of her struggle, of her anxiety. That's all encompassing in her. To be the witness and then be with her in that moment.

Speaker 2:

Now, the difficult part here is that often we make it about us. I know, for me, I used to make it about me. So can you tell me when you're going to be home, like, can you be home by 8.30? And I would react with oh, don't you even trust me. Is that what this is Like? I'm, you know, a 43-year-old man and you can't even trust that. You know I'm going to be home on time. I've just made it about me again.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, firstly, understanding the cues, not trying to fix it or change it, but actually dropping into the situation. And it might look something like this hey, babe, I can see that you're really nervous about me going out tonight. I totally get that, and I'm really curious is there anything going on that you're that that you're really worried about? You know, with me, with me heading out, and I'd love to just have a talk about that to see if there's, um, there's something I can really support you with there. So what that does is that actually opens up. Firstly, it helps him or her to be seen and heard and understood that this is an issue for them and that you're being attentive to them in a caring way. Secondly, what this really does is it actually provides a platform for them to speak up specifically about what it is that triggers them into this state, that gets them worried. And if you can find out more information, then that's going to be helpful for you and it's going to be helpful for them.

Speaker 2:

So what if you ask that question and then they said I'm just really, I guess this jealousy thing has come up again. I know that you're going out with all your mates, but in the past I've had problems with my ex-partner and he cheated on me. It's nothing like that. You'll do, I'm sure, but I don't know why I just get really worried about it. Then you've extracted some more information. It's not just that you can't be trusted, it's that he or she is feeling insecure.

Speaker 2:

We're finding out more information, or maybe it's just that, hey, I get really nervous when you don't get home on time and it just makes me really even more anxious because I worry that I don't know something crazy has happened, like you've been in a car accident or something. I don't know why. My mind goes crazy, but I guess that's what I'm really worried about. And so, by extracting more information, then what we're doing is we're finding out the specificity, the specific issues that are actually going on for them, and then the next step is to really see if you can help to reassure them in a calm way.

Speaker 2:

Now reassurance might be something along the lines of oh I see, I see that you're really worried about you know, maybe there's going to be other women or other men out there and that you're really concerned about that. And I can see that you would, you know, maybe need some support through that. Like, did you want me to? Just, did you want me to text you? Or maybe a phone call while I'm out? Would that be helpful?

Speaker 2:

And what you'll often find is that just that alone would be enough for them to maybe drop down to another level, that no, you know what, maybe I'm being silly, maybe I'm a bit over the, I'm being over the top here and I'm just overly worried. And no, I want you to have a good time. And so often what happens is there's no need to send text messages, there's no need to kind of call, but if there is being that supportive partner, you would do that right. So that brings me to another key point, which is, if you say something, then do it right, because how an anxious attachment develops is through inconsistent parenting patterns. As a general rule, they've witnessed inconsistency in their upbringing, and so if you're not consistent with them, then it's more likely that they're going to be triggered into a heightened state. And so reassurance, you know, making sure that you tend to whatever they're needing in those moments, will help you to get your needs met so you can do your thing without feeling controlled or manipulated or, you know, blanketed on by their anxiety.

Speaker 2:

I've got one more bonus tip, and that is set boundaries, because one challenge that an anxious partner has is that they have difficulty setting boundaries and they don't know where the line is, because their nervous system is desperately clambering to try to just get resolved so they can feel okay, and so sometimes what happens as a byproduct of that is they step over, maybe, boundaries that haven't been spoken about, and so then that might lead you into frustration and even anger at them, stepping over this invisible line that you haven't actually created. So being clear on the boundaries what is okay and what's not okay is really important. And with this I want to give you an example. So we work with shift workers and there was a couple that we've been working with recently and he does seven days on and then five days off or something like that, and on that first day back after his shifts, he really needs rest because he can't really turn up as the best man that he is without a full day of sleep. And now you imagine, when he gets home and she's, you know, more of an anxious tendency to her, she's going to want to connect with him, she's going to want to know what's been going on and and hey, can we have conversation and all these sorts of things. But if he doesn't draw the line in the sand and say honey, I need this full day clear, can you please just allow me to rest? You can certainly hang out with me and whatever, but I just don't have the capacity to start to just get involved in the housework and the kids and all those sorts of things. So if you set a clear boundary, then everybody knows where we stand. You get your needs met, they get theirs. It's just that it's going to be a little trickier for them to learn that boundary initially, so I hope that that's helped.

Speaker 2:

I know this is a short episode, but it's one that's actually pertinent in any relationship. Even though we're just speaking about generally anxious partners, I know that this is relevant in all relationships. The key point to really remember here is that when they have their anxious behaviors and their neediness to control and to micromanage and to to seek some some sort of resolution, then just understand that they're actually seeking safety, they're seeking calmness, they're seeking your groundedness and your reassurance. So if you can in that moment make like peer into that and not make that about you but actually remain on them, then that's going to help them to feel calm. So you guys can have a thriving relationship if this can be done consistently. I hope you enjoyed that episode and I'll catch you on the next one.