Thrive Again - Your relationship podcast

Getting to the Core of it: Mastering Core Needs to Unlock Your Relationship Potential

• Michael & Amy • Season 1 • Episode 43

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Unlock the full potential of your relationships by mastering the art of understanding and communicating core needs. Imagine moving beyond surface conflicts to cultivate genuine intimacy and passion—our episode promises to guide you on this transformative path. We share personal insights that highlight how identifying deeper needs like reassurance, feeling prioritised, and balancing freedom with security can significantly enhance trust and connection with your partner. Learn how expressing these core needs without fear of conflict can radically improve your relationship dynamics.

Explore a robust framework that helps pinpoint your core relationship needs, using empowering phrases like "I love" and "I thrive on" to articulate desires for belonging, safety, honesty, and more. By harnessing effective communication and boundary-setting techniques, you can avoid superficial disputes and nurture a thriving partnership. Stay with us until the end as we reveal a special resource that has been instrumental in our relationship journey, providing you with the tools to experience unparalleled growth and connection with your loved one.

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Speaker 1:

1, 2, 3, 4 couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

Speaker 2:

So before we jump into the podcast, I wanted to speak, really passionately actually, about this program that Amy and I have created this year, and it is literally a blueprint of all of our learnings, all of our creations, all of our experiences in our relationship and just condensed into a really potent package, and couples right now that are in that are experiencing insane transformation in just the first four weeks. So really just wanted to speak briefly about that.

Speaker 1:

So if you're experiencing tension and misunderstanding in your relationship and you're wanting to move to maybe more safety and clarity, or if you're feeling triggered and reactive in those arguments but you'd like to actually stay grounded and present, or maybe you've been feeling completely invisible unsure of your needs, then we can help you to feel this unprecedented intimacy in this program. And lastly, let's be honest, a lot of us are feeling burned out, exhausted, no zest, no life. So we want to help you guys to create that passion back into your relationship, to take you to that next level.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, we've seen so many couples burning through literally tens of thousands of dollars on marriage counseling over 12 to 24 months. If that doesn't sound like much fun, then shoot us a message, either through Facebook or Instagram and even email. So, amy at michaelandamycomau, and we can just send you some more information and you can put through an application. Let's get into the show.

Speaker 1:

Welcome everyone to another episode of Thrive Again, your relationship podcast. Today, Michael and I are here in our little office and we're excited to bring you this episode. So how are you today?

Speaker 2:

How am I? I'm just doing a quick check-in and I'm actually feeling energetic today. Felt a bit flat last week but super excited, and especially about this episode, because I remember when we went through this process and how important it was for our relationship. I kind of felt like when we had guidance with this um, with tracy baker lawrence, and it really changed how I saw you, um, how I experienced you and how I can zoom out and see what it is that you need so that you can have your needs met and I can have my needs met so um, I'm excited because I'm getting.

Speaker 1:

I'm sharing this with all the listeners yeah, I think that was a pivotal point in our relationship, wasn't? It was kind of like dropped into a next level for us when we um went through this process. So, yeah, let's, let's dive in. So I think, um, I have a bit of a question, because when we come to our needs because this episode's all about our needs, right, um?

Speaker 1:

But I'm wondering if you've ever felt hesitant to voice, or you voice your needs with your partner, or you maybe fear conflict or maybe even fear being misunderstood. So this is the episode that we're going to help you to confidently express your true needs. Now we're going to distinguish between true needs and surface level needs and you might not make any sense of that, but we'll go into that a little bit further and to feel like you're deeply understood without having to worry about, you know, being misunderstood. So this is what this episode's all about, and we hope that it's going to bring some more clarity to you on a deeper level for your relationship and make sure you hang around till the end, because we have a resource that we want to share with you.

Speaker 2:

That is the very resource that we used to help us move to this next level in our relationship. So in relationships, I guess, when we talk about needs, most of the time I know for me like I think of them as specific actions or behaviors that my partner should fulfill. Right, and they're typically focused on situational requests, things that are practical or tangible, like I need you to call me during the day, I need you to clean up after yourself. Actually, I remember hearing that from you a bit. I need more time with you and you know these are simple requests or needs, but I like to call them surface level needs or surface level desires. Right, because what we're actually doing is we're asking to solve a momentary issue so that we can feel better in the short term.

Speaker 2:

Right, and they're important. Don't get me wrong. Like. These are really important things to express, but they don't really address the deeper core need that's actually driving this type of these types of messaging that we're getting across to our partner and we're going to give you some examples of that and how that affected us in our relationship as well. But an example of this right now could be the need to call me during the day might come from a core need for reassurance. I want to feel prioritized right, so that's a core need for reassurance. I want to feel prioritized right, so that's a core need.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think yeah. It's interesting because when we were working on this, distinguishing the difference between core needs and our surface level desires, it really sunk in that so many of us are just walking around like barking out orders like I know I did, but not really understanding the why, why behind it yeah, and the issue with someone like me.

Speaker 2:

For many years I was a people pleaser.

Speaker 2:

I had these people pleasing tendencies, so I would run around like a headless chook trying to, you know, get these things done for you, but I wasn't really addressing the deeper, underlying core need. I was more just revealing to you that I'm kind of a whipping boy, like I'll just go around and do what you say, but that doesn't give you trust, right? So, yeah, it can get really murky and I know, I know speaking and working with a lot of men like this is such a big issue and men come together, often in a toxic way, to whinge about how our wives are, you know, constantly bickering at us about different things, and I never seem like I can kind of ever be enough no matter what I do, and so if we understand the core need that's driving that, it can just help you to relax more and just not have to run around after those things, because if she can see that that that core need for her is being addressed, then all the rest of the stuff is just going to disappear, all those little bickerings and moanings.

Speaker 2:

they're just going to melt away.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, absolutely yeah. Let's think of some more examples, I suppose, to give you guys a bit more of an idea of what we're speaking about here, which will help you, but like the need. So, for example, you know, earlier we said there's a need for cleaning up after yourself and you're like you've heard that before. But actually when you look deeper into that request or that desire, it's actually a core need for respect and for partnership to help each other to create that team. So, yeah, it's interesting when we start to look on that next one. And even for another example, I remember saying this to you actually I need more time with you and and looking back at that, it was actually a core need of emotional connection. Like I wasn't feeling emotionally connected. So when I'm asking for time, it's actually meaning that I, I, I miss you. I want to connect with you emotionally yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:

So it's. It's the zooming out that we're talking about here. It's can we have the ability to see the problems and hear the problems and watch the bickering and watch the requests, but actually zoom out and almost guess, like Like it's actually a process of initially, if you're only doing the work for yourself, just guessing what is it that maybe I'm really not providing here what is the core need? But we want to take it to another level. Rather than guessing with you in this podcast, we want to help you to actually speak up about not only what your needs are, but find out what your partners are as well. And we're talking about core needs here, the deeper, underlying need that is existing for each of us.

Speaker 1:

And I just want to drop in there maybe a reflection as well of why we have sometimes those core needs too, and I think those core needs can often come from or be tied to our childhood experiences. You know, and it's funny, I don't I mean I haven't put mine all together yet, but we'll go into each of our core needs, or some of our core needs, and how they show up for us in our relationship. But it can also be like wounds that we've experienced. But we'll go into each of our core needs, or some of our core needs, and how they show up for us in our relationship. But it can also be like wounds that we've experienced and we kind of overcompensate potentially in some areas that are really important to us. And it's not really important to know why you have that cornea or why you don't. It's more just understanding that there is often history involved for why that particular cor need is so important for you. And that's okay, right, it's not bad.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so childhood and also past relationships clearly play into this. So, yeah, it's good to have that awareness, but, as Amy said, there's not really right now. If you're in a solid partnership, we can actually bypass the need to actually resolve these deeper, underlying core needs that you have by actually supporting each other yeah, yeah, for sure, yeah.

Speaker 1:

So do you want to maybe share a little bit more about our experience with core needs and understanding them?

Speaker 2:

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I think what's coming up for me is probably I think I remember I was experiencing a lot of tension from you, a lot of messaging and frustration and things like this when I would disappear, so when I would go away. We've got this block of land that used to be kind of like a place that I would go to do some gardening and prepare for us to one day move there, and so what I noticed was there was a pattern with when I would go there. I would get all these messages and I would get bombarded from Amy. Like normally.

Speaker 2:

That's how I would experience it is after about an hour and a half, two hours, maybe three hours, I would get these messages. The kids want to know where you are. When are you going to be home? Have you thought about dinner? And so I would see those requests. As she just won't let me have my own space and time, it's like she just constantly is moaning and bickering at me, and so I would experience this time and time again. But what I actually realized once we went through this core needs exercise is that, if I was to zoom out, what Amy actually really needed was actually I can ask you, what is it that you really needed, if there was a core need there?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I mean not realizing at the time, of course, but now, yeah, it was kind of reassurance and safety and security, like just knowing that what you're up to.

Speaker 2:

so then I can, my nervous system can settle a little as well so then I can, my nervous system can settle a little as well, right? So what you're talking about is security and safety, and reassurance is what your nervous system needs so that you can feel safe, so that you can feel okay. And if you're feeling okay, would you feel the desire to text me and to message me and to kind of like want to know, like more information, all the time?

Speaker 1:

No, because I guess I had that information or I would have that information. So therefore I can relax and know that you'll be at home at a certain time, which is, you know what you said you would, so yeah, yeah, perfect, so we resolved that one.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that was really helpful for me to understand the code, because they're kind of like codes that are, that are ingrained into each of us so yeah.

Speaker 1:

So then I guess for you then realizing the need in those moments that you were disappearing to the block and kind of escaping what I felt like you're just a cop out and running away and escaping the chaos at home there might have been a part of me doing that. So exactly, but because that was driven from your core need right, and that core need was.

Speaker 2:

Freedom.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

You know it's so important for me to have agency autonomy. You know my ability to express without being suppressed. So, it challenged me to get those messages too.

Speaker 1:

Yeah for sure. And then, once I understood how important freedom was, after doing this exercise, that we're going to give to our listeners as well, once I understood that, it was like, oh my gosh, I've been like locking you down or I've been hindering your freedom to be able to do what you want to do, you know. So that there was like a realization for me of how important that was to you. So therefore, I could allow that more flexibility and more capacity. And then, once you understood my need for security and safety, which came in the in in the words that you said, or the the talk, like you told me what you're up to, you told me when you'd expect to be home. That just allowed me to give you freedom. So it's this whole um. What is the word? Reciprocity?

Speaker 2:

I suppose yeah, yeah, yeah. And also just as a side note for me to give structure to you, was is a masculine attribute as well, so that helps boundary, so that you can feel like you're safer within those confines because in a way, you understand or you you're more likely to understand what's going to happen in the future so by, by me establishing that, hey, I'll be leaving at 3 30 but I will be back by 6 pm.

Speaker 2:

That then just helps you to drop into that framework, knowing that what I've said now I actually put myself in a position where I could lose trust with you if I break that right so I'm putting myself on the line by doing that, but it helps both of us?

Speaker 1:

yeah, for sure, because it instills integrity in you, right, if you say you're going to do something, it needs, you need to do that. So that's another I think that was another core need of mine was like integrity. So it was important for me to see you doing what you'd say you do, which helped obviously with you, uh, sharing those boundaries and and following them yourself. So this is all um in relationship space. It's all building connection, it's building the bond, it's building respect for each other and we're kind of reading the code a little bit easier and deciphering that. So it's not so surface level bickering, resentment, anger, kind of space you know. So I think that's really, it's really a powerful process that we take our couples through for this very reason. Hopefully that's made more sense to you guys the difference between these surface levels desires and these deep core needs.

Speaker 2:

So how we actually distinguish what a deep core need is is if you could start it with I love right, or I thrive on, or I would be nourished by value I long for, so like if you.

Speaker 2:

If you can start, like those sentences, with that and then fill it with something else and we definitely go through this process, of course, very intimately in the work that we do with couples then that's going to give you more of an expanded idea of the, the thread that we're talking about, right. So for me, I guess at the start of this year I really spoke to you that I need more warmth and nurturing from you and you know that kind of that came, you know, when I really spoke about what that meant for me and how I could feel way like more loved and the sense of belonging and connectedness to you. Of course this takes work and it takes intention, but that's a core need, you know. So just going through a couple of categories I guess might be helpful for people. But under the category of belonging there's a few that are really deep, especially in relationship.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I guess under belonging you've got things like affection, appreciation, communication. It might be like intimacy or love. So these are all that. You know, the belonging category, and there's a whole list that you can sit and reflect on and see what's most important to you and then under the category of safety.

Speaker 2:

It might be, of course, physical safety, but consistency is one you know security, stability, support, reassurance, so these come under the the category of safety.

Speaker 1:

Yeah and you might find that you know yours are in one particular area, you know it doesn't have to be all spread out, so like for, for example, there's another category of honesty that's like authenticity, integrity, self-expression. So if that's important to you in in your core need, then yeah, of course it's.

Speaker 2:

It's really powerful to share this because otherwise, if anything's not um authentic or anything's not in integrity, then it's going to really repel you and put you off right yeah, yeah, if you're, if you're with a partner that is inauthentic and that can be in totally random, different ways, but most likely inauthenticity comes from not really anchoring into, connecting with, like your true self and expressing from that point you know from that place, rather you know just expressing from you know from that place, rather you know just expressing from you know, the false self.

Speaker 1:

And people pleaser. Yeah, just trying to mold yourself into this life.

Speaker 2:

So if that's something that's a need of your partner, then if you're going to be expressing from the false self and from the ego, then that's going to be really, really tricky for them to actually feel you, to understand you, to get you to kind of connect and really, you know, really intertwine with you yeah.

Speaker 1:

So the next one of the other categories we'll just list them quickly to give you an idea, but is autonomy, and under autonomy is spontaneity, presence, initiative, freedom. So that's some of those ones in in autonomy. So yeah, let's look at the next category is rest and play. Maybe humor is as a core need. You need to have some lightness and humor. It might be fun or joy, relaxation, um. So these are some of these, these resources. This is on the resource that we, we will be giving you guys if you're wanting it. So it'll list them all in there amazing.

Speaker 2:

So just to recap, before I'd recap, I want to say this takes time to learn and it actually takes guidance. We're relationship coaches and counselors and we had someone to guide us through this process, right? So, understanding that the yes, you can do it on your own um, I'm not I'm definitely not saying that you can't, but for those who really don't feel confident with being able to express their needs right now to their partner, it could actually cause more damage than good. So just be really careful with that. So yeah, just to recap, really just understanding and distinguishing the difference between a surface level desire and a core need yeah.

Speaker 1:

So when couples we only focus on the specific requests without understanding the underlying core need, we get this stuck in these cycles right.

Speaker 1:

We get the we've experienced it of unmet expectations and frustration.

Speaker 1:

But by learning to articulate and also really address these needs, these core needs, we can really open up and see a deeper empathy, deeper understanding for each other and we can feel more like fulfilled right. So it's really important to take the time to do this, and I see that there's one obstacle that might come into play and that might be able to be in communicating this to your partner like that's a tricky thing in itself sometimes is how do I get this across without, you know, causing conflict or causing more issues? So that's another whole area that we need to kind of focus on is the communication between the two of you. But for now, let us know if you need support with that. We can also give you a little bit more guidance on how to communicate this and, if you're interested, we do have a webinar as well that you could always ask us for and watch the replay, because we go into this a little bit more depth all right, let's close it off there, folks, and thanks once again for tuning in.

Speaker 2:

We're getting heaps of wonderful reviews on spotify and apple. If you could take the time, if you feel like there's value in this content, we do this for free, mainly because we love it, but we love you, guys, and we just really want to impact over 20 000 relationships in this next five years, so this is part of it. It is really our calling right now. So if you felt you wanted to give us a review, please take the time to do it. We would greatly appreciate it. But but otherwise, thanks once again for listening and we'll catch you on the next podcast.