Thrive Again - Your relationship podcast

Breaking the Cycle: How Childhood Wounds Show Up in Adult Relationships

• Michael & Amy • Season 1 • Episode 44

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Unlock the hidden potential of your relationships by examining the shadows cast by childhood experiences. Have you ever wondered how your past shapes your present love life? Discover the transformative power of understanding childhood wounds with us, as we unravel stories like Lisa and Grant's journey from conflict to connection. Their story sheds light on how Lisa's chaotic upbringing influenced her independence and trust, affecting her relationship with Grant, and how taking radical responsibility led them to healing and growth.

Explore the profound role of emotional awareness in healing and nurturing relationships. We delve into the emotional roller coaster experienced not just by couples, but also by therapists invested in their success. By addressing childhood dynamics, like having over-controlling parents or growing up in unstable environments, we reveal the hidden fears of intimacy and judgment that can hinder adult relationships. We emphasize how understanding these patterns and improving communication fosters healthier connections, benefiting not just partners but also their children.

As we wrap up this insightful episode, we invite you to reflect on your own relationship behaviors and consider the impact of your past. Through self-reflection and communication, you can strengthen your connections and break free from the chains of past experiences. We're excited to introduce our transformative Reconnected Union program, offering couples a path to renewed intimacy and understanding. Join us as we continue this journey, and don't miss our special Christmas Day episode release, a gift for those seeking deeper relational insights.

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Speaker 1:

1, 2, 3, 4 couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

Speaker 2:

So before we jump into the podcast, I wanted to speak, really passionately actually, about this program that Amy and I have created this year, and it is literally a blueprint of all of our learnings, all of our creations, all of our experiences in our relationship and just condensed into a really potent package, and couples right now that are in that are experiencing insane transformation in just the first four weeks. So really just wanted to speak briefly about that.

Speaker 1:

So if you're experiencing tension and misunderstanding in your relationship and you're wanting to move to maybe more safety and clarity, or if you're feeling triggered and reactive in those arguments but you'd like to actually stay grounded and present, or maybe you've been feeling completely invisible unsure of your needs, then we can help you to feel this unprecedented intimacy in this program. And lastly, let's be honest, a lot of us are feeling burned out, exhausted, no zest, no life. So we want to help you guys to create that passion back into your relationship, to take you to that next level.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, we've seen so many couples burning through literally tens of thousands of dollars on marriage counseling over 12 to 24 months. If that doesn't sound like much fun, then shoot us a message, either through Facebook or Instagram and even email. So, amy at michaelandamycomau, and we can just send you some more information and you can put through an application. Welcome to another episode of Thrive Again, your Relationship Podcast. You're here with Michael and Amy once again, and we've got a wonderful episode for you today. But we've been reflecting on the year, haven't we?

Speaker 1:

Yes, yeah, it's been a really big year for us and it's not over yet mid-December, so we've still got a few more weeks, but, yeah, it's really nice to sometimes reflect on the year and see, I guess all of the journeys that our clients have been on, the journey that we've been on, the journey that our business has been on, have been on the journey that we've been on, the journey that our business has been on, and just start to really notice, I guess, some of the differences we've been making in people's lives throughout the work that we're sharing and it's always a real privilege to work with couples. But today we wanted to speak into one relationship in particular, one couple that we've been working with. That I think is helpful for you guys to also maybe ponder and reflect on in your own relationship and how maybe some of the behaviors that you are showing is potentially from a wound in a child, from a childhood experience or experiences.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so that's the episode today. You know we're going to be diving into how childhood experiences can actually manifest as wounds in your adult relationship. So sometimes these are blind spots. We don't really know, we can't see. And we do see them, but we don't really consider how that's a personality trait that has been moulded from trauma or unmet needs. So sometimes we just look at our partner and go, oh, I wish you'd just change that behaviour and I wish you'd be different. Why can't you be more like me? And that can actually cause more disruption, right.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, 100%. Yeah, that's what I guess we're, you know, enjoying in our work actually, when getting quite good at it is actually getting to the bottom of why those behaviors are popping up and why those conflicts are continually cycling, or what is it that is really frustrating you in the relationship and and getting to the deeper core of these things. So that's what our episode is on, but it's also what we do in our work. That's how we help couples to heal and repair, to be able to have healthier relationships right.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and we're no exception. We've had to work through some of our wounds over the years and firstly, identifying them. You and that's that's often the hardest part doing the work, taking the time to actually self-inquire, um, is is part of it that, hey, this, this behavior that I display consistently, is this for the greater good of not only the relationship but me? Am I proud of this trait or is it something that actually, afterwards, I reflect on go damn, why do I do?

Speaker 1:

that and that takes a radical like responsibility and awareness right from the start, because that's what we teach and share, because when we were new to this, it didn't make any difference right, we didn't really um have an awareness that it's something that I could be doing, that could be upsetting. It was always your fault, it's not my fault.

Speaker 2:

It's something that I could be doing that could be upsetting. It was always your fault. It's not my fault. No, it was your fault.

Speaker 1:

It's your fault. Anyway, that's the fun part of what we do and how we help couples, and it's really nice to be able to share this story with you, and whether or not you find it helpful or take away something from this is related to, I guess, your history and your childhood, but I'm sure there's something that maybe helps to bring more awareness into your situation.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, make sure you stick around to the end of the episode, because we're going to be sharing our top childhood experiences that manifest into negative adult behaviors or wounds, and and that way we can kind of, you know, really cover a broad spectrum. So it might be really relevant for you in your relationship yeah, so should we get into it let's do it all right.

Speaker 2:

So what we're going to do is we're actually going to give a description we've changed the names of this couple and we're going to give a description of of each of the individuals within this relationship. And yeah, then from there we're going to give a description of each of the individuals within this relationship and yeah, then from there, we're actually going to start to unravel how some of these I guess some of these experiences that I've had as a child has actually manifested into certain behavioural attributes within the relationship.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so these guys, lisa and Grant, they've been married for around eight years. They've got a little one. They're about 12 months old, it's their first child and, yeah, they came to us in a pretty poor way. They were really in a lot of conflict, a lot of disagreement, a lot of misunderstanding, a lot of pain, a lot of hurt. They were causing each other by um, these constant kind of um, really big blow-ups, weren't they? They were kind of having these really big blow-ups, disconnect for a few days, not really repair, and then continue this cycle until it got to the point where they couldn't do it anymore.

Speaker 2:

They just needed help, yeah, they're at breaking point. Um, like and help, yeah, they were at breaking point, and especially emotionally, you know they were at breaking point. You know I think Lisa was totally exhausted, you know, from having to kind of bear the brunt in so many different ways. But then Grant was kind of left just feeling like everything I do is not enough for you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, he was so defeated he was deflated. I remember him walking into our office and his shoulders were down and he was just really beaten down. So, yeah, it was a journey and a really beautiful experience in the end through a lot of chaos and turbulence. Experience in the end, through a lot of chaos to and turbulence. But, um, yeah, should we share, I guess, a bit of what we discovered in their in?

Speaker 2:

their program. Yeah, so, as we said, they're in the mid 30s, they've got a one-year-old, they live together, um, they've been together for about eight years and, um, maybe we can just describe lisa first yeah, so maybe we'll go back.

Speaker 1:

Let's go step back into the childhood, yeah, and what sort of childhood and upbringing they did. And this is a really important part of what we do as well right inquire deeply into this um.

Speaker 1:

This for this very reason. So lisa's childhood was quite chaotic. She was brought up into a quite abusive sort of house, um. There was a lot of neglect, um, which made her, as she was growing into her older years, quite resilient, super independent or hyper independent. There was a lot of instability. She didn't know whether there was going to be safe to be at home or not because of the anger and outbursts from their parents. So it was a pretty tumultuous upbringing for her.

Speaker 1:

But what I wanted to share is actually from that. She changed it into her superpower as she got older and no trust. Ultimately she couldn't trust anybody when she was growing up, but she turned that into creating in herself this like. I am not going to let this defeat me. I am not going to let my upbringing like define who I am. So she had this like. I love her tenacity and her ability to look at her upbringing, recognize it wasn't great, but then not let that stop her from being somebody who could kind of take on the world. And she had good jobs and, yeah, she had a good income and she was really able to move through the world in such a way that I admired.

Speaker 2:

Because when you hear about her story, it was quite hard to listen to, yeah so, yeah, you imagine a child who's growing up. I admire it because when you hear about her story it was quite hard to listen to. Yeah, yeah, so yeah. You imagine a child who's growing up in a scenario where, for sure, you cannot trust the world from here. You know the people who are supposed to be the safest.

Speaker 2:

You know the source of warmth and nurturing and love and tender care are the very people that you're fearful of you know, and and so you just imagine how that could have molded her perception of the world and how that could actually play into mistrust in relationships, right? So just sinking into that for a moment, just imagining that that was your upbringing, right, and so, yeah. So just moving into, yeah, what has actually come from that? And you just spoke about hyper-independence, you know, because she can't trust other people, right? So if you can't trust anyone else, then you need to source it for yourself.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, which that led to controlling and micromanaging in the relationship right right because she didn't have a safe place as a child, so therefore she found safe place in managing it things herself her own way.

Speaker 1:

She had to kind of take over and control things to find some safety. So this then resulted in doing the same thing in this relationship. And you know, for grant, this was a challenge, right, nobody likes to be controlled or micromanaged but this was causing again another issue, another conflict in the relationship space. But with this childhood she then would find herself getting really angry. She had all this anger that was inside of her because it wasn't healed, it wasn't, you know, worked through and these angry outbursts, particularly when she became a mum, and this more stress, more pressure, more expectations on her to be this amazing mum that she wanted to be, but she reflected and she hated this part of herself where she'd just have outbursts of anger, um with with grant. So, yeah, this, this caused a lot of um trauma inside of her, like she knew that not to do this and she knew that she wanted to be better, but she didn't know the how and that was what she was working through as well yeah, yeah, cool.

Speaker 2:

So hopefully that gives a little insight into firstly her childhood upbringing and then how that caused her individual personality you know, to emerge from that as an adult.

Speaker 1:

So and the other one thing that comes comes to mind when I'm thinking about her and um, some of the behaviors that she portrayed. And she had this deep desire to feel safe, to feel like she wanted to have this safe place, and she was hoping this relationship would be this safe place for her but because of her lack of trust, she wasn't able to actually surrender and let go. It was like this I could see this in her, in herself. She's like I want to trust you, I want to just, you know, completely be vulnerable and open with you, but I just have this amazing mechanism that we've created from our unconscious mind to protect us and that was really hard for her to drop down and that took some, some coaching, some breath work, um, to help her to drop that guard through the later part of our process anyway, all right.

Speaker 2:

So let's get a picture of grant and his upbringing. So he was brought up in a massively different environment, right, but it wasn't without its problems and, it sure falls, shortcomings. So grant was brought up in a home where the parents were there and they were physically, you know, around. However, neither of the parents were really emotionally available for grant and his needs. You know to to a degree that it's actually affected him moving into adulthood. Now, typically, what happens from an attachment style perspective is when you have emotionally unavailable parents, typically speaking, the the child then really pushes their emotions away, dismisses them, because they're told, like you know, you need to kind of push through, come on, man up, toughen up, or they just change the topic or the subject so that then teaches the child to create a new strategy internally, and that strategy is one that avoids any kind of closeness or intimacy or connected moments right now.

Speaker 2:

On top of this, it wasn't familiar at all for him to receive affection. There was no real showing of affection from his parents, which you know. So that was one theme that he really spoke to us about. Of course, we spoke about that tough love, especially from his father, right, and he could never, as he started to move through his younger adolescence, he really felt that he could never really live up to his dad's expectations. No matter what he did, he never seemed to ever be able to receive any praise from dad. And so, as you can imagine, I mean, if you're never really living up to the person who probably you're most looking up to, then that's going to possibly lead to feelings of inadequacy within yourself. I'm not quite enough, I'll never be enough.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, which then shows up in like constantly trying to people. Please, right, giving yourself up. Was this enough? Can I do this? Will this be okay? What about this? What if I try? So he was doing that in the relationship too. Right, you know like that, that trying but never actually being able to connect on that emotional level, because he, he just couldn't have that capacity at that time plus on top of that.

Speaker 2:

I mean, if you imagine like this helicopter just buzzing around trying to please everybody else and trying to please you know, lisa, and he just can't quite retain his own energy, then because he's not honoring himself, because he has the firm unconscious belief that if I put other people's needs first, then I'll receive love and it's this trap you know that that some of us, including myself, we could fall into, and so that would then deplete his energy.

Speaker 2:

so he's constantly running on a low battery, low bandwidth, low capacity to be able to respond to something with emotion, right? So you imagine now he's in this relationship and Lisa's approached him with a dilemma or a frustration with him or something that's just not right for her. It doesn't have to be about him, it's just that she's not happy. Well then, perhaps he might look at that as being it's all on me.

Speaker 1:

I've stuffed up again. I'm not good enough, I can't do it. I'm not good enough, I can't do it. You know I'm not good at this.

Speaker 2:

And then that's the reaffirming that, yep, I told you so Because dad always and I could never live up to his expectations. And now here it is again. Right, it's on me. Yet, as we know, sometimes it's just the interpretation of that whole experience or event, or the words that are coming out of your partner's mouth.

Speaker 1:

It's your interpretation of that that really matters 100% and it just leads to complete insecurity, second-guessing yourself all the time. He couldn't do anything right. That's what he felt like. Yet poor Lisa was just like just speak with me, just listen to me, just hold me and I think that was one big thing. Just give me a cuddle. I just need a cuddle.

Speaker 2:

But you know like if he's not used to affection, exactly then it's very, very hard for someone who's never really been in an environment where it's familiar to receive and give affection to all of a sudden give affection, especially to someone who desires affection, because they never got it as a child. So, yeah, it's really really tricky dance, you know, when we get into this. And but just back to Grant his decision-making ability, of course he second guesses himself, right. He's just never really anchoring into certainty and yeah, this can be obviously really chaotic in the relationship space and Lisa's going to get louder and then, of course, grant's going to experience more threats that, hey, he's not good enough.

Speaker 2:

And so we get to this breaking point where it's like we need to do something.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, for sure. And you know what I clearly remember is this Lisa coming back to us after a session and just saying I just can't be unhappy, or I can't have a bad day, or I can't just be sad or flat, because then Grant turns it into what have I done? You know how can I fix this? And trying to mend and fix and, and all she needs in that moment is just oh sorry, you're not well or sorry you're not feeling great, I'm here for you.

Speaker 1:

Um, so this was really quite challenging and exhausting for Lisa when she was not able to actually have a bad day, because then he would have a bad day, so his happiness relied on her happiness and this we see this a little bit in relationships. Right, there is one person that kind of helps to keep the vibe and energy of the relationship up, and when that that person hasn't or isn't in that capacity, then the other person feels like they've failed or they've let them down, or it's their fault that they're unhappy, or and then they need to be rescued exactly so then it turns the rescuer becomes the rescuee, and then it's all around and around

Speaker 1:

so, yeah, so you can see that these guys are in in in a real pickle, and it's not so much that that they chose to do any of those things right. It's not like a choice that they wanted to behave like that or come those things come out like that. Hence why it's so important for them to then identify, or for us to help them identify, the issues that were displayed in it as a child or the wounds that were coming up as a child, and how to find compassion and softness and gentleness with the other, as opposed to that attacking or that criticizing or that defensiveness that comes out.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so that's a nice little recap.

Speaker 1:

Should we share about, like how they are now? That'd be good, let's do it. Yeah, they're so much better, aren't they?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, they are. And I mean, I've got to be honest, like for us, there were moments where we really thought that this wasn't going to get better, and there's times like you've got to remember us as therapists. Yes, we've done this a lot of times, but we're still somewhat emotionally invested in this too, because we want to see them succeed, especially when we can see the deep love that they really have for each other under the conflict, and so for us, like it can be a little bit of a roller coaster as well, um, but yeah, so we're so happy to see that there's more connection. There's still work to be done, but they're in a place where they're safe you know where they're safe now and there's more respect. And, of course, there's still conflict, and actually we think and we encourage that there needs to be conflict, but the repairs now are just faster you know we can just get to the bottom of.

Speaker 1:

Hey, I just reflected on how I spoke with you yesterday yeah I think I I loved um the moment when lisa came to me and um, she was able to drop her guard of her protection that she's been carrying for her whole life, really, and just go. Oh, grant gets it, he gets me, you know, and I can relax now and know that, yes, we will have these bumps, but he is able to listen and hear me without getting defensive or without getting. I guess in that, in that frame, that he's done something wrong yeah so it's beautiful.

Speaker 1:

It was, that was, that was a beautiful moment when she was able to express that to me and and now that you know that they're raising this little little baby boy and he's starting to get into these toddler years now and he's really um benefiting from this beautiful relationship where they're able to repair and heal and not be disconnected and angry and upset with each other the whole energy in the house is so much better now and and yeah, she was saying she's like I've noticed the difference, you know, in their little fellow and what that's made for them too.

Speaker 2:

So yeah, so often what we see is when the relationship heals, the individual starts to heal too. Because you imagine, in grant's case, like you know, if he's able to recognize now what kind of toxic behaviors he was pulling into the relationship, like defensiveness, and how he was really taking this on as his own issue that he needs to sort out, now he's kind of able to slow down his nervous system, get to a point where he can see it from a higher perspective, rather than be in it and take it personally and then take it like, oh, she's attacking me again.

Speaker 1:

I need to get on the back foot, here we go. Yeah, totally, that's such a good point. I think they can yeah able to kind of regulate and respond versus react now and that's the game changer, right. We're able to kind of see our pattern, see our behaviors and, and maybe not straight away, but over time you start to get so much better at that and that's what we help you with right yeah and yeah, and the benefit to the kids is always the beautiful gift at the end as well yeah.

Speaker 2:

So we just thought we'd give you six examples of how a childhood experience can manifest into adult, in an adult wound, and it can affect the relationship, and that way we can kind of cover a wide variety or a wide spectrum, and maybe you can reflect in yourself and go hey, I wonder if my childhood impacts me in a way that now impacts my partner in the relationship and ultimately, if I've got children, maybe even my kids- and what they see in the household and what they experience.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so one of the first one is it's kind of similar to lisa and grant's case, but um, well, with the controlling part, but with, if you've got over controlling parents as a child you know the helicopter parent, my, your parents micromanaging everything and there's very little room for like autonomy or decision making for yourself then actually that can actually manifest in two ways. It can manifest that you become hypersensitive to any behavior that is similar to that. Right, any type of controlling and I think maybe that's something that you're experienced, you know, have experienced as well with me um, but that can can really cause a lot of discomfort and and um issues in the relationship, because as soon as one person feels they're controlled, they're going to be out of there, they're going to be gone yeah, yeah, and just think about it.

Speaker 2:

Like, these emotional wounds are just like physical wounds, you know, like, and if someone brushes past like a sore knee that you've got, even if they didn't mean it, you might have a real hypersensitivity to that and um and so it's just like that with emotional wounds, right.

Speaker 2:

So so the second one is if, if you had an emotionally distant parent, you know and we spoke about that with grant it might actually lead to a fear of intimacy, right? Because if they're emotionally distant, then you're not actually used to emotional closeness that's what happened with these guys.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah so you know, if they receive little emotional validation, not much affection, right, it might lead to feelings of neglect or rejection. You know, if they receive little emotional validation, not much affection, right, it might lead to feelings of neglect or rejection. You know in that child as well. So the adult manifestation they might struggle to connect emotionally, be vulnerable. They might keep their partner at distance. They might not, they might just totally avoid any kind of emotional connection. Yeah, yeah, they might just totally avoid any kind of emotional connection, yeah yeah.

Speaker 1:

So another one is you know, sometimes parents can have unrealistic expectations. So there might be like parents who push their child to have these high standards, whether it's academic or sporting, and if they don't meet them, then they might feel criticized or that they're not good enough. Right, and this can actually manifest into um the adult like doesn't want to try new things in relationships. Maybe they're fearful of judgment or fearful of rejection, and this can also lead to um like withdrawing when they make a mistake, like shutting down. Oh shit, I stuffed up.

Speaker 1:

I'm like that's that same behavior that they did as a child, or or it could be like over apologizing. Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that. You know, as they would as a kid, right? The same sort of behaviors show up again.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, exactly, and even perfectionism you know just trying to do everything perfect, because then I'll be enough.

Speaker 2:

I'll be loved, yeah, yeah so the fourth one is a chaotic or unstable home right, which can lead to this hyper vigilance. It can lead to this, this hyper independence right. So if a child grows up in an environment marked by instability maybe there's heaps of conflict or even like drug addiction in the home then it might actually manifest into the adult, where they have heightened sensitivity to any changes in their partner's mood, you know. So that really triggers them or they're constantly scanning for conflict or danger and it's really exhausting right, because they can't fully just let go and trust their partner.

Speaker 1:

And this was definitely Lisa's case, right, we talked about that and that's definitely her. Yeah, yeah so the next one is overindulgent parents, like parents who who just allow or or give everything, whatever you want no boundary.

Speaker 1:

Go for it yeah have it all with little discipline or any all sort of boundaries or structure. So actually it's funny, you know, like we think, oh, that's pretty generous, that's pretty nice. But actually what we see in in relationships in particular is is they struggle to respect their partner's boundaries, because they have never really had boundaries, so that if their partner's putting a boundary and you can't spend that or maybe we're not going to do that, then that really like grinds them um so expecting um that their needs actually are prioritised over everything else, because that's what they've had as a child and that's what they expect here too.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, exactly, and the last one we wanted to speak about was a child that actually steps into almost like a parenting role early.

Speaker 2:

So, they're forced to take on adult responsibilities like caring for siblings or emotionally supporting a parent due to family circumstances. So they, they're required to step into this role. Yeah, that we're a bit too early, right? So they may find it, as adults, really hard to rely on their partner or ask for help, you know, because they believe that they, they need to handle everything on their own. You know, because that's that's my role, that's what I, that's what I'm supposed to be doing. And really this can lead to resentment, right, it can lead to burnout, and especially when their efforts go unacknowledged, when no one's actually kind of speaking appreciation to them.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, 100%. So you know, know, I'm sure there's more. This is just a few that we've touched on and what we've, um, actually even experienced within our couples that we're working with, but these are just examples and there might be, when you're listening to this, there might be little aha moments or things that pop up and oh yeah, that's why I do that, or maybe so. I encourage you to maybe listen to this a few times and see if there is anything that you, um can take away that might help you to understand, maybe, why you behave in certain ways in the relationship, and and even sharing that with your partner would be a beautiful thing to do yeah, beautiful, all right, thanks for listening everyone and make sure if you are interested in maybe dropping into doing some work in your relationship in 2025, we've actually got some intakes are open now for January for our beautiful, amazing program which is thriving so well for these couples at the moment.

Speaker 2:

It's called the Reconnected Union Amazing amazing transformations in such short amount of time and um, yeah, so we're super excited about that. Make sure you send us a message if you want some more information. We'll just get you guys on a really quick call and just see if you're a fit absolutely, and I just realized our next episode will be out on christmas day amazing. Yeah, and that. Well, that's. You've just got to tune in.

Speaker 1:

Guys forget the family maybe watch that another day. Anyway, we hope you have a beautiful rest of your day, wherever you are, and thank you so much for listening. We really appreciate all of our listeners and sharing this far and wide yeah, alright, see you on the next episode.