Thrive Again - Your relationship podcast

How to rebuild trust and safety after a relationship storm, without rehashing the pain

• Michael & Amy • Season 1 • Episode 53

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Relationship storms hit every couple. The real test isn't whether you argue, but how you rebuild in the aftermath. If you've ever found yourself smoothing things over with a quick "I'm sorry" or makeup sex without actually addressing what happened, you're not alone – but you're also not building lasting trust.

In this revealing conversation, we unpack why most couples get stuck in harmful cycles after conflicts. We distinguish between rehashing (going over every detail and assigning blame) and processing (identifying the underlying pain that caused the reaction). When partners remain fixated on proving their version of events correct, they activate their survival brain, making real understanding impossible. The solution isn't avoiding difficult conversations, but approaching them differently.

We explore how biological differences often complicate repairs – men typically focus on facts and evidence while women process through emotions and impact. This fundamental difference creates roadblocks when couples attempt to heal without understanding each other's communication style. Further complicating matters, some partners need immediate resolution while others require space to process. Respecting these different healing timelines prevents additional hurt during the repair process.

Trust rebuilds through consistent emotional safety, not grand gestures or empty promises. Small actions matter enormously: maintaining soft eye contact, listening without interrupting, checking in without pressure, and acknowledging the impact of your words regardless of your intentions. These seemingly minor behaviors signal safety to your partner's nervous system, creating the foundation for deeper connection.

Don't wait until emotional distance feels insurmountable to upgrade your communication skills. Most couples seek help too late, after years of unresolved conflicts have created permanent damage. Remember that rebuilding trust isn't about perfection – it's about creating consistent moments of safety, connection and care that gradually strengthen your bond. Send us a message if you're ready to transform how you navigate relationship storms and emerge stronger together.

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Speaker 1:

1, 2, 3, 4 couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving. Welcome everyone to another episode of Thrive Again your relationship podcast. Today we are diving into something every couple will face at some point. It's how to rebuild trust and safety after a relationship storm without getting stuck in the rehashing of the past. So maybe you found yourself feeling like you want to repair or heal, but you're scared of reopening the wounds, or you don't know how to move forward without pretending that everything is fine. So, then, this episode is something that we're going to dive into and it'll be really helpful for you. We're going to share some practical ways to reconnect, rebuild emotional safety and create a future together that feels even stronger through working through this storm. So let's jump in Welcome.

Speaker 2:

Michael, thanks for welcoming me.

Speaker 2:

And I know that we have historically had a lot of roadblocks in this area and that also led to a lack of trust. Right, each of us. I know that I I found it hard to trust you because often what we would do would you just smooth things over. Once we've had an argument or a conflict, and sometimes that'd be with uh, I'm sorry, um, it would be with hey, I'm gonna, I'm trying to get, I'm gonna, just gonna get better at this, or maybe it's even just make up sex. But the issue is that it's not really addressing the thing that went down just before, and if we just continually avoid this, then what happens is we both have this perpetual lack of trust that just exists, where we just want it to disappear and we want things to be okay, but we're not willing to dive into what just happened and how we hurt each other.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and I think, too, what has happened with us in the past and I guess we see it with couples that we work with is we try and solve it. We try and like, okay, we're a bit calmer, let's talk about what happened, but then we end up arguing again. It's like, oh, we reopened it and now we're back in the feeling and the emotion of you not getting me, you're annoying me, you're frustrating all of the things that happens when we're not feeling understood or, yeah, heard. So, yeah, I think that that's another issue that we see a lot of is how do we repair this? How do we kind of get better at rebuilding this? I mean, let's be honest, we're all going to go through some sort of storm or conflict or argument or fight, but how do we then rebuild, but not having to go through all the little nitty-gritty details?

Speaker 2:

you know all the story of you did this and then this happened and then that happened and then I caused me to do this, and that's your fault, because I I could have done it any other way. And how do we do that? That's tricky, hey, yeah, and it's. It's even more complex because men generally like to remain in the facts and you know well when you did say those exact words. Right, that's exactly what you said. So don't change it on me, because you know, and going down that avenue. But women deal with feelings as a general rule, they're more emotional creatures, so they're more about how that impacted me, like how that hurt me and the experience that I had as a result, and what I'm experiencing from you bringing up all of the evidence and the facts right now and how. It's not so much about that for me, it's more about how you know you lied to me. There's a little white lie there or something along those lines. So it definitely makes it a lot more complex.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely, and it's something that takes a little bit of a process or a practice to come back and not rehash the pain or the story, but actually get deeper into the underlying cause of why that hurt so much or why you were affected so badly from that particular comment or that situation or scenario.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, or that look that you gave me, because it can be subtle cues that doesn't involve, um yeah, language, so yeah for sure.

Speaker 1:

So I think, then, it's important for us to dive into what is the difference, then?

Speaker 2:

and then there is a difference which I think is important to identify between processing the the storm or rehashing the storm yeah, yeah for sure, like as as we just spoke about before, it's not about replaying every single detail of what just went down, because that's more likely going to activate emotions again and we're more likely then to move into kind of activating our reptilian brain, which is all involved with survival. And when we're in that survival state, then we've all felt it. You can feel the narrowing of everything into my story matters and my story is the only way. And then when that that happens, like we're just going to look at our partner as like everything that you're saying in opposition to me cannot be true it cannot be valid because my way is the highway right.

Speaker 2:

So, yeah, so what needs to really happen is seeing if we can remain totally calm and curious and identifying really what happened, but more from a zoomed out perspective, kind of having a look at what it is that that I needed at that moment and then where that need wasn't met or where I felt hurt from your actions or your words at that point, and can we actually kind of access the pain underneath, right.

Speaker 2:

So I guess the difference is rehashing. It might be well, you just forgot to cook dinner, right that, and, and you know, you know that that's that we discussed that before and you just didn't do it. So I'm you, you pointing the blame, but what processing is is kind of just discussing hey, when you forgot about, um, doing dinner. It makes me feel like I'm I don't matter and that a lot of things just rely on me and I don't feel like I'm important and I'm chosen and I'm actually revered in this relationship right now. And coming from that place, it gives better, healthier signals to your partner as to how that has actually impacted them. Not just you're not good enough and you just didn't do a good enough job, it's more like, hey, that actually hurt me because of this reason and I like the word processing.

Speaker 1:

I like that you know the difference between the processing and the rehashing, because if we can think about that when we come to to the resolution side of the storm, it can help us to kind of go I need to process what happened so then I can see the underlying pain for me, because if we don't process it, then we'll still always stay on the surface. You know, I think about, I don't know processing anything food, even these days, you know there's like this top layer and then there's this processed version which maybe is not always so healthy but it's gone through the, the, the process to get to the underlying problem. And if we can't do that, if we can't process what's really happened, then we'll always be staying on the surface and we won't have this deep connection or this deep awareness or vulnerability with each other and it won't feel like a very fulfilling, wholesome, you know, relationship.

Speaker 2:

really that's what I see, yeah, yeah, I see that for sure, and that's because there's not much, there's no trust there and the trust needs to be cultivated through vulnerability. And that's scary for some people you know who have not practiced that or unable to practice that because of yeah childhood, um, um, yeah, whether it's childhood, wounds or needs weren't met or they're generally avoidant or unable to practice that because of, yeah, childhood, yeah, whether it's childhood, wounds or needs weren't met or they're generally avoidant, which then yeah leads to a lack of being able to open up, too, about what's really hurting here.

Speaker 1:

Because they don't even know. Hey, they're not even sure. So, yeah, slowing things down. I think we say that a lot, don't we? Just well, we're just going to slow this down, slowing this down, slowing this down in and slowing down your argument or your conflict helps for you to process it. You know, that's an important key to just when you said that that actually did hurt me and that did feel like this, and this is maybe why so helping each other, you know, to understand each other better and yourselves better through this too yeah, yeah for sure.

Speaker 2:

And just remembering that, if you like, once you've had the conflict and you're in the aftermath, there are different ways that humans process that whole event as well, because some need space and time, others need resolution and resolve. So, just remembering that most couples have this as being a massive difference and they don't really understand it. They think, for example, if I'm needing reassurance and resolve, I'm needing to get this fixed so that I can feel okay, and my partner is actually needing space so that he or she can feel okay. Then, of course, there's going to be even more conflict in the aftermath if we're not aware of how, how my actions from here on in affect my partner, because if I'm pursuing my partner to try to get that resolve and they're needing space, of course that's just going to perpetuate the problem even further so understanding each other's needs in the aftermath is one of the biggest things that we really dive into, especially with our couple's work yeah, we all, we all heal at different speeds.

Speaker 1:

Right, there's a healing process, happens at different times. So it's definitely important to acknowledge that absolutely. And I think the other, the other part of being able to come back, you know, together after this storm is sometimes that if the safety is not there, then you'll be hesitant and we can just brush over things right. So we need to build the trust through consistent emotional safety, not just by oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Or making promises that don't have any power behind them or any impact. You know they're just false promises. Oh, we won't do that again, I promise.

Speaker 1:

Then this relationship is going to continue in these cycles of arguments and disagreements. So small things can rebuild safety right, and it doesn't have to be this big, deep process. It actually can be little things like, for example, like a soft eye gaze or a softer look, you know, like just with softening your face and looking at your partner, knowing them it's safe. It's safe with me. I don't want to pick a fight or argue. Remember, we're on the same team, listening without interrupting. You know that's a really big point, because when we interrupt, we, we shut down your, you'll shut down your partner and they're not able to express as easily or as um yeah, freely, and then checking in without any pressure, you know, just a real gentle hey, are you okay, is everything okay? That starts to rebuild the trust. So then that um, that ability to be able to come back and and truly repair and process this argument is going to be much easier too yeah, I definitely like that checking in without and sometimes that might look like, hey, I know that we've been distant since last night.

Speaker 2:

I just wanted to check in with you and just see if you need anything from me, right? And so what we're doing there is we're firstly checking in and showing that we care, that, hey, I'm willing to step into this, but I'm also mindful that you might still be processing this, so there's no pressure from me. I just wanted you to know that I care and I'm here for you when you're ready yeah, absolutely, and even um being able to express oh, I need another day, I need just.

Speaker 1:

Maybe we can talk about it tonight, maybe, maybe you know, that kind of information is really helpful. So then you can have this time to come back to it. You know as well.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, especially when there's high emotions, to have that in place for somebody especially who's more on the anxious side of things, that's going to help settle their nervous system down so that they actually know, like we know, that in one hour or in four hours we're actually going to address this.

Speaker 1:

so that helps me to kind of be a bit more present right now and settles the nervous system, while we, while the other person, gathers their thoughts and processes it more. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Um, what else is important in that?

Speaker 2:

process. I really do think that we need to remember that the differences in each other as in one who's avoidant and one who's anxious the reasons that you actually got together in the first place, they're probably the things that bonded you right in the first place. They're probably the things that bonded you right. So, as the relationship moves from the honeymoon stage into the reality phase is what we call it in phase two, we often see that the things that we were attracted to in our partner now become the enemy. And the truth is that this can be navigated through these processes that we're talking about.

Speaker 2:

To understand that, hey, all I need to do is firstly get to know what my partner's wiring is. So once I understand my partner's wiring, how their patterns work, what they actually need when there's a relationship storm, then all I need to do is understand the map and then I can go in and actually help, because I know more about what he or she needs. So, for example, if my partner is more avoidant and actually does need space, then that's beautiful. That's their way of processing things. It's not that they don't care, it's that. That's just how they do this, that's just how they do this, that's just how they do this dance. So I kind of think that remembering that, hey, we're different and and that's okay, and honoring that is probably the biggest thing that I really wanted to, yeah, just to revisit in this podcast for sure, yeah, absolutely, because it comes down to, um, like everything in relationships, it's like you're wiring in who you are.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, it's definitely important. I think the other part that I'd like to just quickly reflect on is how to repair without re-triggering, and that's challenging, right? Especially if you haven't done it before, like, okay, I'm ready. Now I've processed this, I'm ready to come and, you know, face you again and try and see if we can repair it, not just with a quick apology and just brushing it over, like we probably have done in the past, but actually getting better at repairing. So I think there's a couple of important points is acknowledging the impact over the intention. So remember the impact that you made. So, even though your intention wasn't to hurt your partner, but the impact that it was felt from your partner, and and acknowledge that it's like I see that how that hurt you, I see how maybe those words that I said really impacted you. Yes, it's not my intention, but I I understand that that's really hurtful and painful.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think that's really important because that validates your partner's experience and that helps them to feel safer in this repair process. Yeah, yeah it means I am open and willing to listen to how this all went down and how I could impact you, even though it wasn't my intention.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, absolutely. And staying in the present, which is tricky because if you're heightened and emotional, you'll drop back into the whole story or drag up the history and then you did this and then they did that. But if we can actually remember, hey, this is the present and this is how I'm feeling now and this is the impact that I guess I experienced in that argument. The impact that I guess I experienced in that argument then that is going to help you to stop jumping into the story, which is not going to help you in the long run.

Speaker 2:

And one part of this is also just remembering to stay grounded, to stay present, and the best way, I believe, to do this is well, everyone's got their own practices, but if you don't have a practice, then I suggest you find one, but something that actually brings you into the present moment to remember that you're safe and you're calm, and sometimes it might just be literally taking three deep, conscious breaths, and that can be enough just to get you grounded to the point where, okay, I'm entering into something, that this person's not my enemy, they're not the thing. That is the threat. The, the cycle is the enemy. That's what we we speak about a lot in emotional focus therapy is it's the cycle. So let's see what happened here. It's not you, it's not me, it's the cycle that we entangle ourselves into.

Speaker 1:

So let's just watch that and it's not so much trying to get your point across and make sure that your partner agrees and believes in your side. We've got to remember that. That's so challenging in relationships. We are different people.

Speaker 2:

We're going to have different beliefs and thoughts, but it's actually trying to understand, like we talked about earlier, it's that deeper processing of the impact that you've made now, everyone's going to have a different time frame in which this takes to repair, right, and I wanted to maybe just have a quick conversation around that, like how long should a repair process take? Maybe we can just start with us and you know typically how long we take to repair something, maybe a more recent one yeah, I think um, it depends, I suppose, on so much, but generally we don't leave it for too long no, it's in the process.

Speaker 2:

How long does it take for us to go through repairing?

Speaker 1:

yeah, well now, because I guess we've had some practice at it. It can only only take five minutes, five to ten minutes. You know, we can both see. I guess we have the awareness too. You know, I think for some couples that can be challenging in itself, just to have the awareness of how you could have played a part in that too and taking your ownership and responsibility for that. So, yeah, I don't know. I don't know what the recommended time is or if there is such a thing. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2:

so I think that there's not a particular time frame, but, um, I think as a general rule, you just need to check in with each other to make sure that you're clear at the end, like does that, is that complete for you, like you? Because if it's complete for you but not for them, or it's, you know, almost there for them, then there's still something to do and that might not be in conversation. It could be just for them, in their own solitude, to actually kind of allow this to continue to percolate a little bit longer so they can find more clarity.

Speaker 2:

But doing the check-in at the end is really important. That, hey, are you, do you feel clear with this? Is that okay? Because if there's no clarity there, if you haven't repaired, then it's another rock in the stream between the two of you which eventually leads to divorce. So, yeah, it's really really important this repair process, but it doesn't need to take hours like most of hours on average take, I would say, 20 minutes you know to really get get into what happened and how I felt not even that long, I don't reckon

Speaker 1:

but yeah, yeah yeah, definitely cool, does that feel?

Speaker 2:

does that feel complete, feel complete?

Speaker 2:

just checking in yeah, for me, I think, um, I think that that does sound complete. And um, and if you have trouble with with coming back to this because you're worried about the past and how this is, has um unraveled into another argument again, like you want to repair it, but when you go to bring it up it ends up just spiraling again, then that's because you haven't learned new skills, that's because you haven't changed the process. You're just hoping that this time it might be different, right? So this is a natural human way of operating. So it's okay. There's no shame in that. But recognizing that there's a need to level up, then in something now, either in your partner or in yourself, there needs to be a process and we have a structure that we teach our couples and we'd love to share it with you. So if you have communication issues where you're not able to repair, then it's likely that this is going to happen over and over, and, over and over again until you just choose not to repair anymore.

Speaker 2:

And maybe you're in that predicament now, where you're just like I don't repair anymore because it just causes more harm. We just like smooth it over. Eventually it comes good.

Speaker 2:

I'll tell you right now, most couples like they come to us when that's happened for years and it's too late. So don't leave it till it's too late. The amount of men I've floated phone calls with in the last couple of weeks where they've just gone my relationship's in crisis. I know I should have come earlier, but I didn't, and now she's just totally checked out. So don't let it get to that point. Make sure you up level your skill sets. We have something that's really powerful. If you want it, um, I'd love to share it with you. Just send send us an email, amy, at michaelandamycomau, or just send us a message on our Instagram and we'd love to get in touch with you and see what's going on.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, thank you so much for tuning in today, just remembering that rebuilding trust isn't about getting it perfect. It's about creating small moments of safety, connection and care over and over again. So if today's conversation resonated with you, please share it, please, um, you know, send it to a friend or a loved one that you think might be beneficial for them. And don't forget, we also love if you could leave us a little review on the podcast, because that helps us know that this has been helpful and impactful. So thank you so much for being a part of our journey so far all right, thanks folks.