Thrive Again - Your relationship podcast

Roommates to Lovers: How to Break Free from Emotional Distance

• Michael & Amy • Season 1 • Episode 55

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Feeling more like flatmates than lovers? You're not alone. That gradual drift from passionate partners to practical co-managers happens in countless relationships—and it happened to us too.

The statistics paint a stark picture: only 9% of couples feel satisfied with their communication, and emotional disengagement predicts divorce better than conflict does. Contrary to what many believe, relationships don't typically end because of explosive arguments but because partners stop turning toward each other emotionally.

We've walked this path ourselves, spending years in that disconnected roommate phase. Michael felt trapped in provider mode, emotionally shutting down when feelings became overwhelming. Amy experienced profound invisibility and loneliness, desperately seeking connection but feeling rejected with each attempt. Our pattern became a dance of pursuit and withdrawal that left us both isolated despite sharing the same home.

Breaking free began when we stopped pointing fingers and started looking inward. Taking radical responsibility for our own patterns created the turning point our relationship needed. Someone needs to go first in vulnerability, but the rewards of reconnection are worth the risk.

The daily check-in practice we share—just 5-10 minutes answering three simple questions about feelings, needs, and appreciation—has transformed countless relationships we've worked with. These consistent emotional touchpoints create safety and connection that naturally shifts roommate energy back toward lover energy.

Ready to reconnect on a deeper level? Whether your partner's ready for change or not, you can be the catalyst that transforms your relationship. If nothing changes, where will you be in one, five, or ten years? Your relationship deserves more than peaceful coexistence—it deserves the alive, vibrant connection that brought you together in the first place.

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Speaker 1:

1, 2, 3, 4 couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

Speaker 2:

Welcome to another episode of Thrive Again, your Relationship Podcast. Here we are again for another episode. In this one it hits home a bit because there's a lot of couples that we speak with that can dwell in this roommate energy, and we're going to describe what that is from our perspective and what we see and also what we've experienced, and the idea of this podcast is to help you to shift out of that roommate energy and into lover energy, into energy that is a little bit more expansive, more connected, more intimate, inviting the other into your intimate world a bit more, rather than staying in the comfort space. So, yeah, really, really looking forward to sharing what we've got for you today.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's going to be a really great episode and I feel like something that is so close to home for us because we were definitely in a roommate phase for many years and to our detriment of our relationship. So hopefully you can take away some things in here and, if this is you listening, I also want to encourage you that it is possible to change out of that state right, it's not something that is normal or that. I think a lot of people can get stuck in with the, with the illusion that this is what marriage is, this is what long-term relationships are, but it's actually not true and we're here to help you guys shift from that roommates back to that deep connection again.

Speaker 2:

Cool. So what you should expect over the next 20 to 30 minutes is, firstly, if you're in the roommate energy, how you actually got there, so understanding the patterns and maybe even the protection strategies that got both of you into this predicament. We're also going to speak about why talking can sometimes make things worse, not better. Also, the power of self-awareness and ownership and how that plays into this dynamic, and we're also going to give you a really powerful tool that helps you to reconnect and deepen into that intimate space that you really yearn for, but maybe you're scared to take the leap, so we're going to give you a tool that can help you just bridge that gap.

Speaker 2:

Cool. So I just wanted to run through a couple of statistics that are really oh, they're quite confronting actually. But it also adds this element of statistics that are really, they're quite confronting actually. But it also adds this element of acceptance that this is the truth for so many of us. And the first one is from Dr John Gottman, relationship researcher from the University of Washington, and what he's actually said is that, from his research, emotional disengagement is a stronger predictor of divorce than conflict, and it also shows that couples don't break down because of too many fights, but because they stop turning towards each other emotionally. So for me that's a big one, and a lot of people think that breakups happen when you have blow-ups, and often what we see is the other end of the spectrum. It's the distance, it's the inability to to communicate what's actually happening, not turning towards each other in those moments as well and therefore not expressing your needs, ignoring emotional bids and so on and so forth.

Speaker 1:

So this equals some level of emotional loneliness, which then translates to the roommate phase there's also another interesting statistic that says, actually only nine percent of couples are very satisfied with their communication 9%. That leaves a big chunk, doesn't it? It means that obviously 91% of couples struggle with communication in some form from not feeling heard. Pretty common, I'm sure, surface level sort of chats like logistical talk, talking about their day not so much the deeper um the deeper emotional stuff, and it's also um that they're feeling unsafe to express or they're feeling um shut down.

Speaker 2:

So therefore they just give up and and they quit, and obviously this leads all to this roommate energy, this, um kind of predicament that we used to get stuck in yeah and um, and there's also one last point that I want to I want to bring up, and that's dr sue johnson, who founded emotional focus therapy, which is predominantly what we work in with couples, amongst other things, including gotman's principles. But sue johnson actually found that small, consistent emotional check-ins are way more powerful for connection than long, infrequent conversations. So what that tells me is that it's not necessarily time investment, it's more quality of time investment in the relationship bubble.

Speaker 2:

So that might be a relief to your ears because I know for a lot of people the belief is there that I need to have and create all of this time, but my life is already so busy, so how can I fit this in? But the truth is everyone's got five minutes and if you don't, then yeah, there's a choice that you're actually making there, whether that's conscious or unconscious, so, yeah, so let's just give a bit of a background check, really briefly. I know that some of the listeners have heard from us before, but, um, but really just from yours and my perspective, in terms of what it was like um in our space when it was in the roommate phase and and I think that I call it the roommate phase, it's not a phase that everyone goes through it, it's normally a drift. It's a drift back from deep connection that you might have had that might have been fueled by also endorphins and hormones and all sorts of things that's happening, like dopamine and serotonin. When you first get together and then, once that fades away, normally no longer than two years you've got.

Speaker 2:

Then we're left with the truth of who we're with and sometimes it gets really hard and I know that for me, like I didn't realize how emotionally shut down, how emotionally shut down. I had actually become yeah, because I was. I felt like I was physically present a lot of the time, but I in retrospect, can see how distant I was emotionally. So this came from the belief that I thought that that I was doing enough by just being the provider and I thought that our relationship should be based on equality and that we should just be even, and when things are out of balance then I should get some reward or some level of freedom.

Speaker 2:

And so then it became this tit-for-tat sort of energy. I never felt like I was doing enough because I never received the appreciation from you. And then when you brought up how you were feeling, like I would perceive your comments as there's something that I'm not doing enough of. So and maybe there was some truth in that, for sure, but I would probably that would strike a wound in me, that probably felt shame, that probably felt inadequate, and so I'd become defensive. And when I get defensive, that pushes you away further and deep down under all of this, I was just scared of being seen as failing. So the easier method for me was to avoid everything altogether and to disappear when you really wanted closeness so yeah that was.

Speaker 1:

That was my kind of journey and experience yeah, and on my side I guess it was similar in a way, but obviously men and women interpret things quite differently. But when we were stuck in this roommate phase was when, I guess, let's be honest, it was like the beginning of our parenthood journey, when you were working full-time and I was at home with the kids full-time. I felt like there was a real drift in that time. Um, for probably about five years I think. Um, we were stuck in that, but I felt invisible during that time, like I was here, um, trying to keep everything together at home the kids, the housework but, um, I didn't feel like you saw what I did and it felt really lonely, trying to manage this whole new dynamic being a mum having young ones. You know it was a real challenge. So there was definitely no, I felt no support from you in that space and when I tried to express my needs, needs, I didn't have the best, probably awareness of communication either, but it always led to some sort of conflict or some sort of um shut down from you. You'd go and run away and hide. So, yeah, it's um, it would kind of come to this point with, like, what's the point, why do I even try? And um, yeah, it was.

Speaker 1:

It was a pretty bad time for us, right. And then the other thing that I I was desperately seeking, which I noticed in myself by some of the statements that I'd make. But I was seeking this closeness and connection because I felt so alone but I didn't know how to communicate with you. But the more I reached out, the more you shut down, the more I felt rejected in this period. So, yeah, it was a bit of a dance between the two of us and it got to this point where we needed to kind of really address it and take a look at what was happening here, because it was getting to that point for us. We were like I can't do this anymore. This is not what life's meant to be about. This is not what relationship's meant to be about.

Speaker 2:

This is way harder than I'd ever expected and I'm sure that maybe some of the listeners can maybe relate to this particular scenario as well. Yeah, thanks for sharing, babe, and I want to talk about how your connection drifted to roommates. Energy right, because if you're listening to this podcast, that may be true for you, and Amy just alluded to that a lot of pressure that was in there, pressure from life, right, which leads both of us to having to take roles. I mean, if there's financial pressure, both of us need to work. If we have kids, then we need to shift and pivot our roles and responsibilities. All the logistics start to take over.

Speaker 2:

Maybe there is some different pressures that are unique to you, but ultimately fight or flight, fight or flight takes over and, yeah, in this space maybe you become co-managers in the household. It's kind of becomes this, this thing that you both have to oversee and and and almost micromanage and and take you know, take care in that rather than self, and so, yeah, you stop seeing each other as you did before right I stopped seeing you in the true essence that you were and I started to focus only on me and my suffering and my struggles.

Speaker 2:

Right so, with that fight or flight state, it leads to this self-absorbed perception, unable to connect heart to heart with another human because my cup's empty right and I was always putting the blame on you.

Speaker 1:

It's your fault you know, like I was never taking any sort of responsibility. Yeah, yeah, well, it's easy, it's easier to do that right.

Speaker 2:

But the crux of this is that both of us were shielded, both of us were stressed and we're communicating from that place, and sometimes it was from a place of frustration, which would then come out as anger. And so when we're communicating from a place of anger, then all of a sudden you are the enemy, you become the thing in the way of my happiness, and so intimacy totally dissipates, closeness is not really safe anymore and maybe conflict happens. But for us it was probably a little more distance than conflict, and that even fueled more feelings of isolation. So maybe this is you and you start to ask yourself what the heck are we in here?

Speaker 2:

like because I love you underneath this. But it's safe for me to just stay in this comfort zone because last time we, you know, we dived into what's really hurting me. It didn't turn out so well because we're both hurting. So maybe some of the questions going through your head is is this really what our relationship has become? Can we actually ever get out from this and am I willing to take a risk here to get out of this?

Speaker 1:

yeah, I think that's a good point to speak into. Is that like that shieldedness that happens like when we get in this fight or flight response, because it's just life? You know, we get so busy, we get so caught up in all the tasks and the to-do list that we're in our survival instinct. We're in this, you know, continual stressed state where we need to. Our protections come up and the smallest thing can trigger us. So when we're in that, there's a part of our brain called the amygdala. It is only interested in our survival. So we're only interested in our survival. So we're only interested in trying to protect ourselves from the enemy, which is you in that moment.

Speaker 1:

But this is where I think we do a lot of our growth and our learning and we share that a lot with our clients and our couples is how to get better at not being in that fight or flight space, particularly when you're in the relationship anyway. So there's some examples of how this might show up in your relationship that I think might be helpful for you guys. And you can imagine. You know you've come home and you're stressed already. You're in your head, you're in your busyness and you know you come out with a. I ask you a question, maybe, and you come out with a statement that's like short and dismissive. It's like short and dismissive, it's like what now? And then, you know you, you've all all of a sudden got my back up. I'm already in this, you know defensive mode and my nervous system is like, oh, you're criticizing, you're attacking me, so I'll just snap back at you. And all of a sudden we've conflict in the spiral or I'll just shut down and disconnect yeah.

Speaker 2:

So there's either a flare-up that's probably going to happen or a shutdown, right? Another example is I don't know, maybe you've been tidying the house all morning and you've been putting so much effort into that and you even took a lot of attentiveness and care to making sure that you're doing your duty for the household, which is also really the opposite of what you want to be doing, because really, for you, you're someone who has ambition. Right, you have an identity outside of this home and this environment and it's not something that you love doing. But I'll walk in. I don't really even say a word.

Speaker 2:

All of a sudden you drop into that invisibility that you're speaking about. I'm kind of interpreting some tension. I'm doing the male guessworky thing going oh, he's the fun gamer, I get to guess why you're pissed off and and so. So then I'm sensing the tension and I don't want to be here because tension equals pain and discomfort. So I'm gonna withdraw. Neither of us name it. Both of us feel alone, and yet we're swimming in this sort of vast sea of emptiness between each other which is creating more of that roommate.

Speaker 1:

You know, disconnect, obviously. Another example, I guess in in day-to-day life, how this comes out um is um interpreting or correcting, like I I do this to you. I used to do this, yeah yeah, I used to do this well. Yeah, interpreting too, like my what I the way that I see what you said.

Speaker 1:

You know, I've got this lens already and I'm like in that survival mode. I'm already kind of interpreting it like it's a negative. But yeah, during conversation, you know, one partner jumps in to correct, correct a detail or, um, you know, override them, and then then it feels like, you know, the other feels patronized or misunderstood or, um, like put down, and then of course their body tenses and then nothing else happens because we were in that survival instinct where we shut down and we're like what's the point? Then all of a sudden we kind of slowly, slowly disconnect, drift apart and yeah, and you feel pretty lonely.

Speaker 2:

So these kinds of communication methods, which are unconscious largely, are the things that we help couples shift out of, and it is often through the language, but a lot of the time it's through understanding how even our facial, facial micro changes happen and also the tone in which certain things are delivered, which triggers off your partner, because historically, what that face means is judgment, or it's criticism or it's oh yeah, she's overriding me again. So there's signals we're constantly sending to each other unconsciously which, yeah, get each other's back up right. So, yeah, so talking. I want to talk about talking, because sometimes talking about issues and things that are really hard for us makes things worse, and I think that a lot of people equate talking with closeness. That should equal connection.

Speaker 2:

But the truth is, what we see is that most couples they don't really have the level of emotional safety to have a meaningful conversation where they can bring up their hurt and pain.

Speaker 2:

So I guess, just to relinquish a bit of shame and guilt in this, in the relationship maybe that you're in, is that actually like there are reasons underneath, at an emotional level, why you can't really have these deep conversations, and that is normally linked with a lack of emotional safety.

Speaker 2:

So that's such a big one and um and I'm sort of really I know that we're honing in on a lot of this with couples at the moment, really helping them to feel safe, and that is the first stage of when we work together with a couple um, as to how long that takes, takes, how long is a piece of string, but, but we can definitely fast track that and that's that's part of our craft. But yeah, like for me, sometimes I would feel in this relationship that it was safer for me to withdraw, and so my nervous system is interested in keeping me alive. Like my unconscious mind wants me to be safe, and so sometimes safety is perceived as distance from the thing that I feel threatened by. Of course, right, because I mean, if a tiger was chasing me, I'd want to seek distance from the tiger. So naturally I'm listening to my nervous system, but actually there's no tiger.

Speaker 1:

Because I'm not the tiger. No, definitely not.

Speaker 2:

My nervous system certainly saw it that way and and sometimes I felt like a tiger. Yeah sometimes I felt you were the energy of maybe a tiger or a puma or, yeah, some sort of wildcat anyway great back so there's, yeah, maybe there's some similarities.

Speaker 1:

Therefore, your armor was like you're in protection mode, right, there's a big shield, a big wall between you, and there was no ability for us to really deeply talk or have conversation.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah and we're just constantly shifting blame and um and yeah, just just really pushing away any responsibility. So so when we're shielded, what's that? What that's meaning is that our nervous systems are dysregulated. And when our nervous systems are dysregulated, then we're speaking from a place that wants to defend, that wants to control, that wants to blame, that wants to withdraw, that wants to criticize or avoid. So these are the phrases that a shielded partner might say you never listen to me. Or oh, whatever, I'm fine, I'm fine, right? So these phrases like that one there just shows a need to protect self rather than connect. Yeah, and it's normally cold, it normally sharp, it's passive-aggressive. This is the energy that's coming out of your words so the opposite.

Speaker 1:

There is what we help clients with and what we had to learn right, what we had to go through for our relationship to really deepen and change, is this open-hearted communication, you know, and and that's obviously the opposite to that shielded, defensive communication it's more of a vulnerable way of communicating.

Speaker 1:

Yeah but again, this has got to be learned and, like michael said, you know the safety is key here, but it could. You could change the, the way that you um approach the conversations, why, by shifting things and saying things like coming from the eye. We talk about this a lot, but I feel hurt. When I don't feel hurt or it's simply like I think I even remember saying this to you at one point because I miss you. I want to feel closer to you.

Speaker 1:

When we're coming from that heart, we're able to kind of drop into a grounded, calm place. Even if there is emotion there, okay, there's more of a willingness to be seen Like. That's such a different energy. When you approach your partner like that, they don't need to get their defence up or feel like they're attacked, you know. So, yeah, maybe this is something that you could take away or practice of. How can you change the way you deliver the communication of? You know, know that you're missing them or you want to. You know, have a, have a deeper connection with them and, as opposed to, you never listen to me or I feel like you just don't get me that's creating more of a divide yeah, and what just came to me then was um, just think about dropping back into kindergarten and how you would communicate to another kid in kindergarten and or maybe even prep.

Speaker 2:

But oh, when you left me, I felt really alone or I really miss us. You know, when you, when you threw the ball over there and you didn't come back, I felt really hurt. So we can use that in our adult life. And this is the vulnerable state. This is how kids communicate, because they don't know anything else. They're not conditioned into having to be criticizing or coming from that shielded place just yet unless they've copied it negatively from their parents.

Speaker 1:

But yeah, of course, because I was like oh, I'm not sure if I see that in some kids. But yeah, you're right. The general amount of kids will come from that soft space.

Speaker 2:

But yeah, yeah, it's a tricky. You're a school teacher, yeah, yeah, I'm not sure if I've seen that you're right, it is.

Speaker 1:

It is nice to remember the vulnerable space it's, it's more.

Speaker 2:

Just what I'm trying to get across is the, the connecting from the, the place of vulnerability where you're actually like opening your heart with the other person and you're really giving your true feelings.

Speaker 1:

That hurt me, you know I miss us yeah, yeah, yeah, I get that, yeah, for sure cool, all right.

Speaker 2:

So we're starting to get an idea of the open-hearted communication and what's actually needed for the first step of this process, which is emotional safety.

Speaker 1:

Right, that's actually what we're doing here, by being vulnerable I think there's a a big part in this whole dynamic that we went through that really helped shift this for us. You know, and I think that's probably the turning point, wasn't it between you and I, where where we started to look at ourself and our place in this relationship and how we contributed to getting it here and that's the next point I want to speak into is taking that radical responsibility. If you're wanting to turn this around this roommates to lovers then you've got to really take a moment to reflect how did I get here? What part of it did I contribute? So then you can make a um, a choice of how you show up in the relationship yeah, yep, just, it takes ownership, radical ownership and, um, you know both partners.

Speaker 2:

It's highly unlikely that you're going to drop into radical ownership and responsibility of how you're bringing your crap into this relationship at the same time. So sometimes it's one partner and then the other follows, sometimes it's one partner and the other doesn't follow, but that gives confirmation that that that partner is not willing to put up with this anymore. But one thing's for sure is that someone needs to go first. So, yeah, I mean for us, we made a decision. I remember there was a real turning point for us and that's when we both decided that we're going to look at ourselves and our part, not necessarily just in the relationship, but our own wounds. We're going to focus on our own healing and we're going to dive into some elements of fear and shame and doubt and unworthiness and hurt and all those sorts of things, but we're not waiting for the other to change first. This is the key is that I'm not telling you to fix yourself, but rather I'm pausing after we've had conflict and going. What did I bring into that?

Speaker 1:

We're starting to agree to commit to self-observation. Yeah, and that's where the magic happens. Right? That's the turning point in many relationships, where they start to look at themselves and take ownership.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, because I mean we teach communication strategies, ways to communicate, but really, what the big part of this is is actually turning towards your own nervous system, your own patterns, your own shadows, the things that play out for you unconsciously, and being honest with yourself, being really radically honest and going yeah, look, yeah, I was triggered.

Speaker 1:

I was triggered by this thing and I don't know why, but I'm curious about that I think that's a really good thing to to a statement that I read it's not the your partner, that's the enemy. And often we, we start to believe that it's oh, you're the problem, just fix you and everything will be fine. Unfortunately, I'm here to say as a relationship coach that's helped many, many, many couples. That's not gonna actually help the relationship at all. So you can keep wishing that, but it's actually when, when you recognize that it's the pattern, it's the, it's the, the cycle that you guys are in, that is the the problem and that's what you need to get better at which is triggered from wounds or past. Um, you know, are your upbringing, what you're modeling from your parents? It's that stuff. That is the issue. That's what we need to help you guys to get better at yeah, your partner's not the enemy.

Speaker 2:

The pattern is yeah, all right. So let's just say that your partner's actually not really ready or willing to jump on board with this radical responsibility piece right, because one can only do this when they're ready. So you can maybe, if you're the controlling type you might want to shake your partner into that state of being and will them into it.

Speaker 2:

But they are not going to do that, I'll tell you now they'll need to do it on their own accord. So there'd need to be some sort of stimulus or some sort of pain that's going to move them into that potentially. But if there's no stimulus or enough pain, then they're more likely to remain in comfort, because that's what humans do and comfort is. Sometimes maybe it causes discomfort in the grand scheme of things, but in the short term it's easier for me to blame you, it's easier for me to point the finger. So that's the comfort that I'm talking about.

Speaker 2:

But if I was in that predicament and I wasn't willing to look at myself and I noticed that you had made a statement to me something like hey, I want you to know that I'm committed to taking full responsibility for how I show up in our relationship, not to blame myself for everything, but to grow and learn and to be someone you feel safe and seen with.

Speaker 2:

You don't have to be on the same page right now. I'm doing this because it matters to me and because you matter to me. So if they heard something like that from you, then I don't know about you, but for me I'd be like whoa, okay, that's different, right, that's. That sounds like almost a, a commitment or an agreement that you've made which is interesting, and I'm just going to watch and I'm going to observe. And so from here, what is likely to happen is that your partner is going to see your ownership and they're going to see you actually reflecting, maybe even to you, how they're naming their patterns, you know, and they're observing and speaking up about the things that they're noticing. In themselves, that's not helping in the connection, and from there it's almost like this contagion emerges and this self-awareness starts to spread across to them. And I'm not saying this will happen, but I've seen it happen and it certainly happened with us.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think we played that game for a little while, didn't we Like? I was like, well, I've got to fix this or I've got to change something because I'm not happy. So I took that on myself to do some of my own work, my own journey, look at my wounds, look at my you know patterns. And then sharing it with you started to bring your curiosity into that, and it did. It was contagious, right.

Speaker 1:

You know it was like, oh, what's she doing, what's going on over there? Because? And also I noticed I was putting some more boundaries in. You know, I wasn't tolerating things as easily and I was being able to share that with you what was okay and what's not. So I know there's a lot of people that probably just continue just trucking along. But if you really want a change in your relationship, then you can be the the force to change things. You can have the courage and the strength and and be empowered to make some inroads into your relationship how you want. You don't have to just to continue to accept.

Speaker 2:

Well, maybe this is just how it is yeah, yeah, yeah, beautiful, and I know that you're guiding a few women in this space now that their partner's just not ready, they're not ready to really work on the relationship, maybe they just don't want to go into couples work, and that's totally fine. But I know you've taken these women under your wing, one-on-one, just for like four sessions, five sessions, and really just honed in on what's important to them so that they can turn up better in the relationship and then eventually what happens is magic happens and the connection starts to grow, and it's just a way of making inroads with guidance, so that it fast tracks the process without you kind of stuffing it up.

Speaker 1:

And that's really what?

Speaker 2:

yeah, what I've really witnessed in you really guiding women, so it's been beautiful to see that as a possibility for a lot of women.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's you or men, there's often them.

Speaker 1:

They're also similar to right. But, yeah, there is options out there to get that support if you're not, if your partner's not ready. So should we quickly share, because I know we've been wrapping it on, haven't we? I'll share a technique or a tool that's going to be really helpful for you guys and I know we've had another whole podcast episode on this in the past because it's such a great, amazing strategy that has changed so many couples that we work with. We give this particular practice to them and make sure that they try and stick with it, because it has made such a profound impact on their relationship.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, and it's just a really, really simple five, maybe five, ten minutes every day to do a daily check-in and I know that this could sound a challenge in itself, like gosh, I don't have five or ten minutes a day.

Speaker 1:

But if you don't have that, then I really question why you're in a relationship in the first place, because it's important to allow some space just for the two of you, and it gives you guys a container. It gives you guys a space where you can just put down all of your hats the father had, the mother had the worker and just be present with your partner in the relationship and um, michael dives into this as well like we need to penetrate this relationship zone. We can. We can stay on the outside where it feels comfortable and you just talk about logistics and kids and but there is no, no fulfillment, no passion, no connection in that space. So this is where this daily check-in can give that energy into that space between the two of you to build the connection. And if you're doing this daily, I'll guarantee you that you won't feel so much like flatmates or roommates. You'll definitely feel much more into that lovers or at least husband or partner space.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, spot on, all right. So here's how you do it. First of all, you've just really got to set the container and you've got to have some sort of consistency here, right? So even if your partner works away, this can be done on the phone. So just know that for these few minutes there's no phones, there's no multitasking One partner shares while the other listens. Just keep it like that, right, and then you switch. It's not a debate, it's a space to be heard.

Speaker 2:

Then each person takes turn answering three questions. So one of those questions is something I'm feeling right now is so that really just builds emotional literacy and real-time attunement in the moment. The second question is something I'm needing or hoping for is so this helps to voice your needs really clearly to your partner and there's no blame involved here, or no pressure, it's just speaking your needs and then to your partner and there's no blame involved here, or no pressure, it's just speaking your needs. And then the final one is something I appreciate about you today is so this stops the focus on self and starts to move into the emotional sphere of the relationship itself, the depth zone, and it's infusing gratitude, which is is the medicine, this is the good stuff right. That's often void in relationships.

Speaker 1:

And then just finishing it off with, you know, a gentle gratitude. Thank you, thanks for listening, thanks for sharing. Or it can be just a little touch, like a hug or something like that. So that's a really simple tool to start to reconnect when you feel like roommates and it's um, yeah, it's something that I really wish for each of you to try, or to give it a go, and, like michael said, consistency is the key here. Once, every now, and then it will be okay, but you won't find that that deep um connection coming back so I hope you guys got something out of that.

Speaker 2:

I really wanted to speak about the next step for a lot of couples you know who are feeling this roommate energy, because, as you can imagine all the things that we've just spoken about the there's a lot in there that perhaps you haven't stepped into yet or your partner is away from from being able to step there just now. So we've designed this exact transition from roommates to lovers through our program called the Reconnected Union, and we're actually launching another one in July, third of July, and we were just going to wait and see how successful the first couple were and, yeah, man did. We see some results. We got some amazing testimonials and massive transformation in relationships that have been over 10 years, with kids and all the things, and they've literally I'm just thinking of a couple in mind now, but I'm not going to say their names but really their connection has transformed to this beautiful, open-hearted, vulnerable connection that helps each of them to see, feel and hear each other to a depth that they never had before in their relationship.

Speaker 1:

It's, yeah, so beautiful and so powerful, and it's just our 12-week program, the Reconnected Union. So if you'd like to find out some more information about that, you can DM us or jump on our website. And I want to ask you a question before we close this out if you did nothing, didn't change anything in your relationship, what would your relationship be like in one year, five years or ten years time? And if you find it hard to answer that question, then maybe it's time to start to turn and face the issues, the roommate energy, the challenges that you're facing right now, and do something about it. And that's what we're here to support you guys with.

Speaker 2:

All right, beautiful listeners. Thank you for listening and we will catch you again on the next podcast.

Speaker 1:

Thanks guys.