Thrive Again - Your relationship podcast

Beneath The Betrayal: Why Men Cheat To Stay And Women Cheat To Leave

• Michael & Amy • Season 1 • Episode 58

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Ever wondered why people cheat? The truth might surprise you. In this eye-opening exploration of infidelity, we uncover a startling revelation: men and women betray their partners for fundamentally different reasons.

Men typically cheat to stay in their relationships. Sounds contradictory, doesn't it? Yet our experience with countless couples reveals that men often seek external validation when feeling inadequate within themselves. They love their families and don't want to leave—they're attempting to fill an internal void through external means. From validation-seeking and unmet sexual needs to poor emotional processing and avoidant attachment patterns, men's infidelity usually signals an inability to address their deepest insecurities within their primary relationship.

Women, by contrast, almost always cheat as a transitional step toward leaving. After years of emotional starvation and built-up resentment, an affair becomes their lifeline out of a relationship that no longer nourishes their soul. For women, it's rarely about the physical act but about feeling special, seen, and emotionally connected again—everything that's missing from their current partnership.

We dive deep into these gender differences, exploring the five main reasons men cheat and the five driving factors behind women's infidelity. By understanding these contrasting patterns, couples can identify warning signs before betrayal occurs and create relationships where both feel deeply fulfilled.

As relationship therapists, we've witnessed how this knowledge transforms struggling partnerships. That's why we've created the Reconnected Union, our 12-week program designed to help couples rebuild their emotional foundation from the ground up. If you're feeling disconnected or worried about the stability of your relationship, this episode offers crucial insights that could save your partnership before it's too late.

Listen now to discover why "men cheat to stay in relationships that validate their ego, and women cheat to leave relationships that no longer nourish their soul." Understanding this fundamental difference could be the key to affair-proofing your relationship for good.

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Speaker 1:

1, 2, 3, 4 couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

Speaker 2:

Welcome to another episode of Thrive Again, your relationship podcast, and today we've got a cracker for you. It's the truth beneath betrayal, and we're going to be speaking about the emotional roots underneath infidelity and, specifically, why men cheat and why women cheat. Because there is a difference, and I think we're inspired to share this with you because there's some surprising facts in here. Right, this is some people think that men and women cheat because of the same reasons, but they don't. There's actually a difference, and this is, yeah, just based on what's out there in terms of research and psychological studies and, yeah, yeah, just observing men and women and their behaviors over the over previous decades. So so we're going to uncover five reasons why men cheat and five reasons why women cheat, and, yeah, we're just going to dive into those today let's do it all right what let's start with?

Speaker 1:

uh, maybe the men. Maybe you can share good, all right. What let's start with? Uh, maybe the men. Maybe you can share the men's side of you. So why, uh, men's, men's point of view? Why do men cheat?

Speaker 2:

why do men cheat? I I'm considering right now that a man who is in a relationship and maybe he's even married, has possibly even built up a home, right, and there's sort of like this you know, normality about his life and with that normality comes, yeah, just a need to cope with certain things that are going on in his life. So maybe he's at a job, maybe he's kind of just doing run-of-the-mill kind of work and, you know, life just sort of starts to become kind of robotic and a bit bland. And there's something that develops in the relationship when it moves from this excitement and we're married and we're building this life together, and something fades and it comes down to basic needs and that there's certain needs that aren't met for the man. And so with that lack of attentiveness to that need like typically from his partner, but ultimately it's within himself what happens is he's actually looking to deal with this inner conflict internally and deal with this, this problem that is ruminating inside his consciousness, which is mostly around I'm not enough. It's mostly around that I need validation in order to feel like I'm okay in myself, to give me that confirmation that I am enough. And so when he's not really receiving that in the relationship, then what that does is that highlights that he doesn't actually feel like he's enough within himself, and so he needs to cope with that existential crisis, and so that's, in a nutshell, what's happening Now.

Speaker 2:

Most of the time, men don't really want to leave the relationship that he's currently in. He loves his wife, he loves what he's built, his kids and all those sorts of things. I know that there's going to be some listeners that are going to think are you condoning cheating? Are you validating this and making this okay by speaking into this? No, I'm not. I actually don't believe that cheating is okay, but this episode helps all of us to just peer in under the hood, like have a look underneath the bonnet and see what are the drivers underneath this behavior, and that's what we're exploring now so, yeah, yeah, it's interesting, isn't it?

Speaker 1:

you know, like I, I hear that interesting point that men don't want to leave the relationship. It just just seems confusing, like to me, like why would you cheat if you don't want to leave? It's a very big indication that you're wanting a way out, right? But yeah, it's, when you look deeper into it that part you were speaking into about like they just actually want to avoid themselves. They want to escape themselves because they're in so much, probably, crisis and pain and suffering and inner turmoil and all of the stuff that's going on for them, but they clearly don't have a healthy outlet. So this is how they're expressing themselves, through this toxic way, I suppose, of cheating or unhealthy way.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, absolutely, and I think that'll lead us into the first point. So I'm going to run through five points as to why men cheat. And I want you to imagine a man who has been, like you know, on the treadmill just not literally, but you know, just doing life, and it feels like it's a bit robotic. He's going off to work, he's coming home and then he's coming in the door and he's really just walking into the house and there's not really much appreciation for him because life's busy, right, and she's probably been in her own world and maybe even working herself, and now she's dealing with the housework and the kids and all the sorts of things. And so, as he walks into the home, if he doesn't feel admired, if he doesn't feel like he's wanted, if he doesn't feel like he's respected, then this is going to highlight the void that may exist inside of him. And so what happens here is that it actually highlights this level of inadequacy that's inside of him. He doesn't probably know it, it's just that he notices that, like, who am I in all of this right? Do I even matter? And so validation seeking is.

Speaker 2:

Point one is that a man will typically go out and meet someone, whether it's a co-worker, or whether it's someone on a course that he's on on the internet, whatever. Basically he'll do that because he's seeking validation to fill that void. That's, that's that's missing for him. So he's not feeling wanted, he's not feeling admired, he's not feeling like he's important within the relationship. So if he can find somebody that gives him that, then it's like wow, I haven't had this in a while and it's like a. It's like a moment of like wow, man, you're giving me the medicine that I need that I haven't had. So the next question that comes to mind for him is this feels really good. Can I get away with this? Like, can I possibly, you know, maybe do this in a way that I won't get caught? And so he will probably do some sort of risk analysis or assessment on that situation. If he feels like he could probably get away with it, then he may do that.

Speaker 2:

And this is just like what I see time and time again in our relationship work is this is the story that happens. So that's the first point. Is validation seeking, yeah. The second point and I can't remember the percentage and I should have looked it up before I did this podcast but there's a huge percentage of men that feel like they don't get their sexual needs met, so they're just not satisfied in their relationship sexually. And so one of the issues as to why this happens is it's just life right and, and it's just, things become busy and then the women are expected to sort of fulfill this, all these roles, and then so she's depleted and then he's still got his sex drive up and also probably his own inadequacy that drives his sexual desire too. And the issue is is that men actually struggle, a lot of men struggle to actually communicate about their needs in a healthy way, so and then probably not willing to really do the emotional groundwork right yeah, men haven't been taught that right it's.

Speaker 1:

It's something that um is a big fear of theirs to be able to be vulnerable with their partner, to be able to share really what's going on. But sometimes they might not even know themselves, because they've, you know, also created other strategies and ways to avoid themselves too.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, spot on exactly and and I think like they don't typically the average man doesn't know how to be vulnerable and to express what he really needs and how he's like hey, I really have found myself like disconnected from you and I feel like we haven't, yeah, just had playfulness together. Like you know, I want to touch you, I want to be around you. I feel like there's a void there and instead of actually doing that, it's kind of like we're in the bed, let's have sex, and it's like zero to 100. And there's been no foreplay over the previous week, so there's been no kind of you know, gentle kind of messages to each other. There's been no kind of touching on the back of the neck and you know the sort of the neck and you know that the sort of playfulness that might lead into that, and so when she actually rejects that because she hasn't been like warmed up, then he's going to feel like he's not really wanted once again.

Speaker 2:

So yeah so the first one was validation seeking.

Speaker 2:

The second one is sexual needs not being met. The third point is that men and'm just this is a blanket statement but men typically haven't really learned how to process difficult emotions. So, instead of leaning into the discomfort and exploring what that anger is that's really there, you know, that kind of grief that I haven't processed or that sadness that I've felt from this person passing, they tend to kind of move away from it and just and and distract and keep busy and so, yeah, so this, this unprocessed emotion, can also really lead to, yeah, just like rash decisions, brash decisions that are not really kind of made with a lot of a lot of thought and a lot of emotionality and a lot of like consideration. And so, yeah, I think that a lot of men just don't really know how to process emotions and that makes it really difficult for them to just remain in a beautiful, safe relationship, and so when that safety is actually gone and it's fractured, then, um, then of course he's not going to get his needs met again you know because she's not.

Speaker 2:

She's going to feel distant from him, and so he's.

Speaker 1:

It's going to trigger off his insecurity again so we just keep going on this roundabout yeah, it's kind of you can see how those three points you've already gone into kind of interrelate, you know, like the validation seeking Obviously I'm not enough, I need you to tell me I'm enough, I need you to you know, to tell me how good I am. And then the second part about obviously those sexual needs or unmet emotional needs aren't there because they don't know how to ask for it, they don't know how to speak up or be vulnerable with their partner about what's deeply going on, which then leads to this lack of emotional regulation. They get angry, they get frustrated or they can end up blaming everything else for the way that they feel so uncomfortable and out of alignment in themselves. But yeah, they haven't seeked a healthy way to to deal with any of that, hence why they'll just go and cheat. I suppose that's what we're getting to, aren't we?

Speaker 2:

yeah, that's right. Yeah, so the fourth point is avoidant attachment patterns. So as a byproduct of our upbringing in this day and age because most men, especially in the previous generation, have really been brought up with tough love and it's kind of like, yeah, you should man up, wipe away your tears, don't act like that. It's just this constant invalidation of anything emotional. Then what happens is that man generally develops an avoidant attachment style, which is basically he doesn't really understand emotions because he's been taught to sort of push them away and that they shouldn't matter. So from that strategy that he develops, it means that whenever closeness is there, or whenever intimacy or like um connection or connecting moments where it's about heart opening, actually happens with his partner, he's more likely to feel uncomfortable in there because he doesn't think he's going to get it right. So it's the behavior that comes from that is, he distances himself, so he moves away, and the moving away can then obviously cause conflict with him and his partner. And when he feels like he can't do it right ie the the emotional closeness then the easy way out is I can feel close, because this is, this is the epicenter of like, how a man operates is I feel close through sex. I feel close through sex. I feel close through having you with me and close to me and we're touching, and a lot of women think that this is just he's just a sexual pervert or he's just got a high sex drive and he's just a sick person or whatever. But the truth is like that's actually signaling to our nervous system that I'm loved, I'm cared for, I'm wanted, I'm admired, I'm desired, that I'm loved, I'm cared for, I'm wanted, I'm admired, I'm desired.

Speaker 2:

So it's not just about the act of sex. It doesn't mean that men aren't, you know, like doing it the wrong way. By the way, like there's so many men that just that approach sex with maybe a lens of what they've learned through with pornography. So I'm not saying that that men just get it right. They don't. But. But what I'm saying here is that closeness is the thing that he's looking for and if he can't get it with his partner, then a knee-jerk reaction would be, yeah, cheating and going out and getting it from somebody where he doesn't have to emotionally invest with them yeah, it's just an act, just a, you know, a simple non-attached you know active connection, I suppose interesting yeah and the fifth one we're going to talk about, and this is one that I think is so, so important.

Speaker 2:

It's. Something that I find is is really difficult for a lot of men is that they don't really have a brotherhood. They don't have a brotherhood of decent men that are actually, you know, not always just caving in and going to the pub and connecting through alcohol, I mean like a grounded group of men or mentors that hold each other true, hold each other accountable, keep each other in check, support each other you know there's no judgment. There's kind of like this willingness to keep each other in check, support each other. You know there's no judgment. There's there's. There's kind of like this willingness to see each other through the lens of their own, rather than layer over this. This kind of like. You should be doing it this way, because I know for a fact, like you know, having experience in a combat corps in the army and part of sporting teams Like these can be healthy, but there can also be a really toxic element to them as well, and I know for me like I was looking up to some of the men in the army but they were also cheating on their wives, so it can become this sort of men's club where there's almost this cheering each other on or high-fiving or um, you know, this sort of bravado kind of effect that can happen, where it's like, hey, you're the man, you know you, you know you got a route on the weekend or whatever.

Speaker 2:

And yeah, I think sometimes an unhealthy group of men that you surround yourself with can actually like contribute to this, because it's almost like the collective is in admiration of this, which is really hard to understand for a lot of women. But that's actually what happens I'm curious to know though.

Speaker 1:

But um, you were saying that actually, like, the lack of the male support or brotherhood is a contributing factor to why men cheat. But why is it beneficial for men to have a healthy, you know, male friend group? What? Why would it stop them from cheating, or at least you know, you know, be the opposite to encouraging it?

Speaker 2:

yeah, cool. So to give you an example, good question. So to give you an example, like, I have a group of people that I surround myself with who I feel like I can speak up to about my current troubles, the things that I'm traveling through at the moment, and it might even have to do with my relationship, like with you, but it's not necessarily that I'm bitching or moaning about you. It's just that, hey, I'm struggling with this in myself at the moment and I know that I can trust you to hold that space for me.

Speaker 2:

So what that does is that helps me to feel like I'm validated, to feel like I'm heard to feel, like I'm even admired for speaking up about what's happening for me and so because of that it's some sort of pressure relief valve. It's also I get to kind of connect with other men that that if I need support I can ask them for support in just making sure that I'm not going off track, that I'm not just getting on the piss on the weekend or, um, going off the rails in some way. Like they can really like stay true to like. Help me to stay true to myself yeah.

Speaker 1:

So it's a good, it's a good thing for our listeners to kind of reflect on and just ask yourself what is your circle of friends like you?

Speaker 1:

know, do you have. I mean you might have to seek another. You know men's circle or brotherhood or something external to your friends, because if your friends are in in the realm of like what you mentioned earlier about, you know high-fiving and you know creating more of this toxic cheating and masculinity in men instead of the, you know the more grounded ability to offload your worries and share your things and be vulnerable and have a space where you can feel validated and understood and and you know it's it's going to be beneficial for so many parts of your life, not just, um, obviously, this topic of cheating in relationships too, right?

Speaker 2:

yeah, for sure it doesn't need to be sitting around a campfire and all just being vulnerable and crying together. That's not what this is about. It's kind of like even just going and having to hit a golf or going for a surf or you know, just just having healthy, male like role models around you people who you look up to is all I'm talking about is nothing like super feminine. It doesn't have to be. It's. It's actually kind of just someone who can see you for who you are and not place judgment on you interesting.

Speaker 1:

So overall men cheat, basically because they want to stay.

Speaker 2:

It's not so much because they want to leave, so that's yeah, so they they, they want to, they want this foundation still, but they go out and they cheat and they and then, but ultimately they don't really want that thing out there. They don't want the thing out there. That thing is just a proxy for the thing that's missing inside of them yep, yeah, there you go. Hey, interesting so tell me about women, because I'm I'm keen to explore this, because there's a different element to this babe yeah, no, it's, it's complete opposite.

Speaker 1:

I feel, um, which is not kind of that unfamiliar, because a lot of things about men and women are opposites, but let's dive in. So so the the main reason that, actually, women cheat is actually a step towards exiting their relationship. Right, they, they're actually wanting a way out, a lifeline out, because they want to. They're no longer happy, they're no longer in a healthy, happy relationship, but they just don't know how else to get out of it. So they start to, yeah, do have an affair, have this connection outside of the relationship, because they're unable to express, I guess, their unhappiness and wanting to leave.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I've seen this before, I've seen this in the workplace, yeah, especially when I was working as a paramedic as well Like generally got a lot of people that are avoidant people, that are barometics it's just how it works. But cause they're hyper independent, so yeah, and I've seen women actually feel lit up by by other men, especially when you're working two on two, like one-on-one together, and yeah, all of a sudden, they're kind of really on one together. Um, and yeah, all of a sudden they're kind of really. You can see that they're coming to life, like when they're hanging out with this other guy and it makes me think about what's missing for them at home yeah, definitely, and that's like that's the number one point of why women leave or cheat.

Speaker 1:

I should say, yeah, they're emotionally starved from their relationship at home, right, they actually don't probably realize it that much until they're getting this validation and this you know experience with another man outside of the relationship. So, yeah, they're often in relationship and feeling very unseen, very unheard. For maybe years they've been feeling disconnected and they seek this intimacy elsewhere, because sometimes it's actually like a wake-up call that oh, actually I'm not happy here, I don't like this is not for me anymore. But it can be surprising to women when they feel that from another man outside of their relationship. So that's number one. So, emotional starvation.

Speaker 1:

The second point of why women cheat is it's sometimes many, many years of built up resentment, right, many years of built up resentment right, and I guess you know this resentment can feel like a big, massive bag of weight that's just been carrying you and holding you down and you've been holding on to it, not able to heal it, move through it, or particularly if the, if their partner's not interested in um, you know, communicating or looking at any of this stuff.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, this built up resentment, many years of having their needs unmet, many years of feeling like dismissed, many years of like carrying this emotional load and they quietly just erodes their loyalty to their partner because they're just like what's the point? Like you're never there for me, you're not here, you know, I'm here waiting for you to come home and you're off, working 24 7 and like all of those sorts of stories come out. So, yeah, women kind of like what's the point? I might as well go and find that somewhere else. So that's that ability to, or that lifeline out of the relationship if they start cheating and finding that somewhere else yeah, unseen, you know, misunderstood, not really like.

Speaker 2:

What I see with women is that, especially in the work that we do, it's like they're not, they don't feel like they matter. That's what it is like can you see me? Can you see me, and not for the things that I do, just for who I am, or have you lost that? And when she feels like she's not really being, like really admired anymore, then when someone actually admires her, when someone actually comes along similar to the men, then she's going to be triggered into holy crap, like the man that I've married and I can't get any of this anymore.

Speaker 2:

And now this person is sweeping me off my feet.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And that's why we talk about, like the women, cheat as a step out of the relationship, like, oh, actually, yeah, what am I doing here? What a wake up call. I don't want to be here. This is not where I feel loved and cherished and wanted, so, yeah. So the third point, as we've kind of already mentioned, but going a bit deeper into this, is it's a way out for them. They've kind of had this awareness, this understanding of years and years of resentment and not emotional starvation and you're like what else do I have to do? It's like a transitional move, because they maybe don't have the courage to make the move, but they feel like it might be like an easier way to build courage to leave by actually cheating, you know, and it can actually soften the landing if they feel wanted somewhere else, you know it doesn't feel so hard when someone else is there for you and you know being able to sweep you off your feet.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, wow, yeah, this is, it's really landing. You know, because I think there's like we see this is that sometimes women want a soft landing. They want to, they want to know that that actually, if I depart this relationship will I be OK on my own, and if you feel like you're wanted, then maybe even having that man on the side that you've transitioned into is a way to actually like allow that to happen in a softer way yeah, definitely it's not healthy.

Speaker 1:

Though it's not gonna like, it's not going to mean that that relationship is going to be all roses and flowers as well, right?

Speaker 1:

because, it's, um, probably an important part to to note that those patterns will continue if you don't have other ways and strategies and tools of how to speak up your needs, how to communicate with your partner, how to you know to continue this knee, this desire for feeling wanted and loved past the honeymoon phase. So just a reminder yes, you might feel like it's a soft landing having another man on the other side of a relationship, but if, if you don't do any work on it or you don't look at the reasons of what happened in your past relationship and heal that, it's just going to kind of revolve around again and you'll be in the same cycle anyway. The next, the next, uh, reason or point that I want to talk into is that testing what's left. So what I mean by that is that often it can be like an unconscious or a subconscious test to see what is here in this relationship.

Speaker 1:

Is there something that feels alive still? Is there something that I want to continue to work on in this relationship? It's a pretty bad test, mind. You guys like there's much better ways to do it, but the research is showing us that sometimes women do this. They kind of they want to feel if there is anything there with their husband or their long-term partner by cheating with another man and just to see, oh no, that's not that great, I'm not going to worry about that, I'll go back to here, but um, yeah, it's. It's probably something that only again can lead to to issues and deepening the problem in the, the current relationship that they're in, because it's not going to be something that's it's easily moved through for for the relationship.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, if they don't, they don't leave yeah, I see this and I, um, I sometimes this can be the yeah, kind of like the, the charge that's needed for this relationship to really have a good look at itself. And I've noticed with some couples where this happens and they want to repair and heal. It is that all of a sudden there's this renewed energy towards focusing on us again and that, okay, we need to really work through this like we do love each other. We, we kind of like um, have realized that just something had drifted and all these things kind of come up and they've got all this excitement about um, this new kind of chapter, but then then that the hurt comes up again and then and then sort of she wonders why he can't kind of move past it, and then it sort of just becomes something bigger than they realize it actually was and um.

Speaker 2:

And then, of course, she might be saying things like you know, why can't we just keep moving forward? Um, we should be able to let this go. And then he feels dismissed, and then it ends up becoming, like this, a real problem where they're wading through it. So I want to say yes, it can change things um but a lot of the time. If you don't get help through this, then it can really be a long-term painful relationship meltdown.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, it's not nice, especially in that situation. So my last and final point, I guess, is why women cheat. But it's an interesting one because it's actually not usually about the sex and I think for men it's the opposite. You know, men want that connection and that feeling of like, intimacy and sex. But actually what women are craving is that emotional connection, that feeling special, that feeling alive, that feeling like oh, I am somebody here, I'm, I'm important to somebody you know and I feel wanted. So it's not so much about the actual, you know, sex and that action of it, but more the feeling that comes from feeling desired and loved and wanted from somebody else.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so that's different to men, right? Like men do want that, they really want to feel like they're wanted and admired, and I spoke about that. But men can also just really want sex, like I spoke about before, whereas for women it's not usually about the sex. It's usually about everything that matters before sex.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, exactly, so, yeah, so they're the five points about why women cheat, and I think I'll just sum that all up that what this means for couples is that men often cheat to stay in relationship that validates their ego and women often cheat to leave a relationship that no longer nourishes their soul. So we're where we us women are emotional beings. We want that deep connection and love.

Speaker 2:

If we're not getting it, we'll go and cheat, but whereas actually men want that validation that they are enough, they are adequate, they are you know, important yeah, yeah for sure, and I think, yeah, this, all this all ties into why we do what we do and we're super passionate about it, and one of the main program that we're running is called the Reconnected Union, which is basically going from this place of where you're drifting, where there isn't very much emotional connection. It's like there's a void that's developed over time and maybe there's been mistrust as well and maybe there's been infidelity. But this program is actually designed to rebuild from the foundation up so that both of you understand what each other needs right, so that we don't fall into this predicament of unmet expectations, unmet needs that leads to an impulsive action that can totally fracture an entire family system. So the Reconnected Union is the perfect way for a couple who still has a foundation of respect for each other but wants to build on that and just close the gap, and that's what we helped do over 12 weeks and we've had profound results.

Speaker 2:

This is our third one that we're running and, yeah, this is open to drop in, Like for a couple who really wants to do the work. It's a wonderful, wonderful personal growth experience and I encourage anyone who's listening to this who feels like they need to change some things in their relationship, to just consider coming along the ride with us, because we can show you the way that will help you to feel like you're connected to your partner again, Like that's what this is about. It's like understanding them so they can understand you, and then the relationship bubble is then really secured and you guys like support each other again, and that's what this is about.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, it's a great program. So, yeah, if you want to avoid this incidence of cheating, then that's definitely one to keep an eye out for and do some work prior to you get to these points. Thank you so much for listening everyone. It's always a pleasure to be sharing these podcasts with you and if you found this helpful, don't forget to share it with any family and friends.

Speaker 2:

All right, we'll catch you on the next podcast, folks.