Thrive Again - Your relationship podcast

You Don't Have a Communication Problem, You Have an Information Gap

• Michael & Amy • Season 1 • Episode 60

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Ever feel like you and your partner are speaking different languages? You're not alone. A staggering 91% of couples report dissatisfaction with their communication. But what if the problem isn't how you're communicating, but what critical information is missing?

This eye-opening episode challenges the common belief that couples primarily struggle with communication. Through a compelling real-life example, we reveal how assumptions create false narratives that damage relationships. When a husband stepped away during his wife's call with her sister, she assumed he didn't care about her family. The truth? He cared so deeply that hearing how her sister spoke to his wife was painful for him. This missing piece of information completely changed the dynamic.

We explore how our fast-paced lives create information gaps that lead to misunderstandings and conflict. When we make assumptions like "you should just know what I need" or "they clearly don't care," we're actually missing vital context about our partner's internal experience. The antidote? Genuine curiosity. Learning to ask "what don't I know yet?" creates space for understanding rather than judgment.

The way you approach these information-gathering conversations matters tremendously. We provide practical guidance on how to ask questions that invite openness rather than defensiveness, and explain why regulating your nervous system before difficult conversations is essential for meaningful connection.

Ready to transform your relationship communication? Check out our Relationship Survival Guide, a four-part module series designed to help you move from disconnection to deep understanding. Your relationship deserves more than assumptions—it deserves curiosity.

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Speaker 1:

1, 2, 3, 4 couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

Speaker 2:

Welcome to another episode of Thrive Again, your Relationship Podcast. My name is Michael and this is Amy. And here we go again.

Speaker 1:

Here we are, another episode.

Speaker 2:

This one's a quickie.

Speaker 1:

It is Just get into it, yep, no mucking around.

Speaker 2:

You ever had one of those.

Speaker 1:

Never.

Speaker 2:

No, all right, this episode is titled. You don't have a communication problem, you have an information gap.

Speaker 1:

Interesting, I know.

Speaker 2:

tell me more well, this is the thing, right? We have a fair few phone calls from couples that say that they've got a problem in their relationship, and when I ask what's the number one problem, what's the thing that they'll say communication yeah why?

Speaker 1:

because they don't understand each other and they fight.

Speaker 2:

They argue ah, okay, and what's interesting is the stats are actually saying that 91 percent of couples are unsatisfied with their communication. So let's just throw that bit of research in there which just normalizes our problem as a society, especially in this culture where we're busy. There's so much going on in our lives, there's pressures, there's finances, there's kids, there's all the stuff, and we say we've got a communication problem. And to me, when I hear that, what I see in my mind is a fast-paced world of that couple. I just see like there's so many things and moving parts in their world, in their environment, in their bubble, that they need to tend to, and communication often is shortened and therefore information isn't gathered about what each other are experiencing in those moments. So that's what we're going to explore today.

Speaker 1:

And it's the missing key information that causes this frustration and arguments right.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, often it is because, yeah, they're not normally about the words, right, it's actually about the assumptions that we're making about the thing that they did, or the words that they said, or the context that they're talking about, and it's also about the unmet needs that haven't been shared that we haven't spoken up about, and there's reasons for that right.

Speaker 1:

You should just know yeah. You should just know what I'm thinking and feeling and what my needs are. I'm just assuming that you are on the same page as me, right?

Speaker 2:

But I'm different to you.

Speaker 1:

That's the important piece of the puzzle, right.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so it's a puzzle. So we're trying to work out a puzzle here, guys, and the puzzle is your partner right, and so let's explore that, because I think I'd love to just share, maybe to start off a little bit of a, an example I think, that we had in a couple session recently is this a quickie?

Speaker 1:

oh yeah, still got time.

Speaker 2:

Go for it jeez, I'm just trying to slow things down a little bit, okay, sorry, because this is the whole problem, right?

Speaker 2:

We don't want to have any information gaps for our listeners, so let's just drop in to a couple that we're working with at the moment and, yeah, let's just give some context.

Speaker 2:

So, yeah, she was on the phone with her sister and really was looking to connect with her sister and have, yeah, her partner here as well and just be involved in the family dynamic, because they she comes from overseas and and, yeah, she just really really likes to have her partner there to just understand what's happening in the background. Now, what had happened in this moment after a few minutes, was that he just stepped away and he just disappeared out of the room and straight away for her. She was obviously really upset by that, was internally triggered by that, didn't say anything at the time, but then just felt some irritation and actually there was a bit of a gap between them from that point and so what was happening there for them? Can you explain, sort of what? Can we slow this down a little bit, because I think it'll be helpful for the listeners to understand what really went down here.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, well, I guess she just assumed that he didn't care, he wasn't interested, he doesn't have time for her or her family, and there's just no genuine interest in her life and what's important to her.

Speaker 2:

Exactly right in her life and what's important to her, exactly Right. And so what we helped them explore and unpack was, firstly, her story that was running through her mind, which was yeah, that right. It was that. Yeah, he doesn't care, he always leaves me, he doesn't care about my family, and it's it's kind of like the same old story here I am left in the lurch again and you've just gone about your own thing. So that's the story in her head. But what we helped to do was to just help explore what was happening for him in that moment as well. Now here's where the big c word comes in, and that's curiosity. It's not the other one, right, it's curiosity. If, if she is willing to be curious about what happened in that exact moment when he walked away, then she would have found out some key information that might have helped her to soften and understand his perspective a little bit more.

Speaker 2:

And so when we slowed this down and I said to let's call him Matt, I said, matt, what happened in that exact moment when you walked away or just before it? And he said well, I just was. I was so tired. I've been working all day and absolutely exhausted. And when I hear her sister talking over the top of my wife, I feel like she's just doing her same thing again. She's just overriding and just has to. She's a know-it-all and I'm just really sick of her walking all over my wife. I can't be around it. I love my bubble, I love my family and I don't even know how I'll react if I stay around, because I just I find this disrespectful and really difficult to deal with.

Speaker 1:

And actually it came even a little bit deeper than that, that he cares too much about her to actually hear that it hurts him to hear how her sister speaks to his wife. So, yeah, he didn't like it. It's uncomfortable, it's, you know know, not nice for him to be in that position, so that's why he had to walk away. Yeah, that was all news to her right that she didn't understand that at all.

Speaker 2:

she had the complete opposite assumption of what was going on for him yeah, she assumed he didn't care, but actually he cares so much yeah and so this is where we can actually lose or make assumptions and miss the context of what's happened for that person yeah, it's vital it's so vital, so we just thought we'd share that with you. That was just an example, right, and I think we talk about these unwritten rules that we have in our mind I think we've spoken about before right, yeah, it's just a yeah again.

Speaker 1:

We're just trying to play a guessing game. We're trying, we're just dropping sometimes into the worst case scenario because it's familiar, it's what's happened in the past. But if you're wanting to get better in a relationship, yeah, it's important to get curious, to slow things down, to to like not always feel that, um, they're doing something to hurt you or upset you, but find the missing pieces. What's missing in this piece of communication that I haven't got yet? What don't I know, and why is it? How can I get that information?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and just what's important is the way that you approach that right, because if you're approaching it from, why do you always walk away? Well, there you go again. There's your thing. Tell me why you walked away.

Speaker 2:

There's information missing, michael and Amy said that I've got to find the information and you've got to tell me so that prying type energy is not going to work right. They're going to resist, they're going to move further away, of course. So if it's with curiosity, as in, I don't actually understand this missing piece. I'd love to know what was happening for you when you disappeared, or, you know, when you got angry or when you flared up at that point, or when you got really sad and shut down. I just I'd love to know what was happening for you there.

Speaker 2:

Like are you open to sharing? You don't have to, but I'm just here and it'd be really helpful if you can get me, help me to understand what's happening for you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so important to find the gap.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Do you remember in England? Yeah, mind the gap, mind the gap.

Speaker 2:

So mind the gap folks. So, yeah, just wanted to, yeah, just drop that one in because it was a golden moment for us in a recent interaction with a couple and slow it down, be curious, curious, be interested in their world, not just your own. And, yeah, from that place the communication will generally get better, as long as you're using the right language. If this kind of thing seems like quite far-fetched for you and maybe it's a big leap for you to start to, you know, slow down, maybe you're triggered and you don't know how to regulate yourself, then, yeah, make sure you you reach out to us, because we have so many different tools that can help you to, like, regulate your nervous system in those moments, because you've got to remember, this is a also a game of nervous systems and and watching yourself and watching how you are you reacting or speaking from the place of fear and anger, or do you have some technique that you can bring you back to, yeah, this place of balance before communicating.

Speaker 1:

That's such a big part yeah, and can you ask yourself what don't I know yet? What is it that I don't know yet that I can maybe find out to help this relationship and each other?

Speaker 2:

yeah. So, folks, if you want to upgrade your communication, we also have something online that we'd love to offer you. It is our relationship survival guide. It is like thousands of dollars worth of value, but we just sell it for 147, I think it is. Jump on the website, um, and it's under resources. No, what is it under babe?

Speaker 1:

it's under coaching it's under coaching.

Speaker 2:

You'll find it in there. It's called the relationship survival guide. It's a four-part module series and it's going to get you from, yeah, feeling really disconnected to just deeply understanding each other's communication patterns. So get into it, folks. I hope you've enjoyed this quickie thank you, have a great day.