Thrive Again - Your relationship podcast

The Masks Men Wear and How This Blocks Connection

• Michael & Amy • Season 1 • Episode 62

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Have you ever felt like you're hiding parts of yourself in your relationship? The masks men wear create an illusion of safety while preventing the deep connection they truly desire.

Drawing from personal experience and years of working with men, I reveal the five most common masks that sabotage relationships: The Rock (unshakable, reliable, never showing weakness), The Machine (constantly producing, linking worth to achievement), The Nice Guy (avoiding conflict, putting everyone else first), The Stoic (emotionally detached and controlled), and The Seeker (hiding behind knowledge and self-improvement).

Each mask develops as a protective strategy, often formed early in life as a response to situations where vulnerability felt unsafe. The internal dialogues sustaining these masks—"If I let go, it will all fall apart" or "If I show my real feelings, I'll be rejected"—keep men trapped in patterns that create distance from their partners and themselves.

While these masks may provide temporary safety, they extract a heavy toll: chronic stress, burnout, resentment, emotional disconnection, and the inability to experience authentic intimacy. Your partner might see your reliability, achievements, or wisdom, but do they truly see you?

The path to authentic connection begins with awareness. Which mask do you wear most often? What's the cost of keeping it on? Through small acts of vulnerability and finding trusted spaces with other men, you can gradually break through these protective layers to discover deeper relationships, emotional freedom, and true peace of mind.

Ready to remove your mask and experience the connection you've been missing? Join our upcoming Inner Sanctum program or local brotherhood gatherings to begin your journey toward authentic masculine presence.

Thankyou for listening, if you liked it, please remember to subscribe.

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Speaker 1:

1, 2, 3, 4 couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

Speaker 2:

Welcome to another episode of Thrive Again yourhip Podcast. I'm doing it solo today, and main reason is because I'm a man and I'm talking about a topic that I know only too well, which is all around the masks that men wear, and I think that this is a very powerful conversation to have, and the awareness around it only comes for me because I've had to break through my own masks, and on the other side of that has meant more connection with my wife. It's meant more depth and more truth and more vulnerability, not just with her, but with those around me, with my kids and, most of all, with myself in some of the work that I do with men. And after that, I'm just going to sort of pull apart some of the features, maybe some of the costs, like the impacts that each of these have on the relationship, on themselves and on their environment and the people around them. So, yeah, let's get into it, and I really just want to start this by saying that most men actually carry around masks. In fact, if you think about it, we all carry masks. How you turn up with maybe co-workers might be different to how you turn up with your family, and how you turn up with your partner is, of course, going to be different compared to how you turn up with your partner is, of course, going to be different compared to how you turn up with your friends. So, in terms of men, like just considering a man and the past generations that have come before him, there have been some I don't know situations and circumstances and, of course, strategies that men have had to develop in order to stay safe.

Speaker 2:

Younger we start to develop strategies and put on masks so that we can remain safe and not, you know, get in trouble or not be seen as, you know, someone who's not doing it right. Maybe to integrate this kind of sense of belonging within community, within school, within religion, whatever it is. We develop coping mechanisms and sometimes we don't even know that we have these. We just think that it's us. So the issue with this is that if we're continuing to just carry masks around and we just hide behind them, then this impacts the people around us because they don't get to experience our authenticity, our truth, but, most importantly, we don't get to experience our authenticity, our truth, but, most importantly, we don't get to experience how that's received in the world, because we're hiding behind a developed persona. And so underneath all of this is kind of like a narrative that me, as I am, in my truth, in my authenticity, is not accepted, because there has been times when you were younger where you have had your own expression and it has been nullified, knocked down, you know, cut down from other people, maybe judged, and so then we lock a part of ourselves away, judged, and so then we lock a part of ourselves away. And so if we can practice finally taking those masks off, that's when real strength, real freedom, real connection actually starts to begin. So today we're going to explore five of the most common masks that men wear and how they impact our relationships and what it takes to actually start dropping them.

Speaker 2:

So let's start with the first mask, and that's the rock. I call it the rock, so some of the features of the rock is he's unshakable, he prides himself on reliability and he never really shows weakness. That's actually like so distant from him. And the issue is he carries the weight of everyone and everything. He's the kind of guy that just shoulders everything and just hides it so well. The internal dialogue that happens, and he may not know this, this is the dialogue. If I let go, it will all fall apart, okay. So this then requires him to kind of keep everything structured, unshakable, keep it all together, otherwise everything will fall apart in his belief.

Speaker 2:

So what motivates the rock? Well, it's protection. Protection of his family, stability, proving his strength, which is linked to his worth in the world. And if he was to be vulnerable, he may perceive this as being a failure. So you can already see that vulnerability is actually the medicine here. But if he has a belief that that means that he's a failure because it shows weakness, then that mask is going to stay on and stay strong. So what's the hidden cost? Well, for the Rock, it is chronic stress, it's suppressed emotions, it's exhaustion, it's an inability to ask for support or help.

Speaker 2:

Now, how does this impact the relationship? Well, the partner sees reliability, but rarely sees the man behind the mask. So of course, he's going to be someone who can just shoulder all of the tasks or the, you know, making sure that everything's in order or safe. But underneath that there's really just a little boy that is scared to kind of really reveal himself. So emotional intimacy suffers because this mask actually protects him from his emotions. Because, again, this is linked to failure if I'm emotional, if I open up to sadness or some deep emotion, then that is weakness. Some of the examples he'll fix the car, he'll balance the finances, he'll support everyone else, but when asked how he's doing, he shrugs and he just says, no, I I'm fine, but when he's really actually on the edge.

Speaker 2:

So the second mask that we're going to talk about today is I call the machine. This is the man that's always working so hard. He's a chaser, he is producing and actually that's revered by a lot of people. They actually respect him because of his hardworking ethic and his positivity. Maybe, and the internal dialogue that's actually running through this man's head is if I stop, I'll lose everything I've worked for I've worked for. If I stop, I'll lose everything I've worked for. So there's a fear of pausing or stopping or letting go just for a while, even because his worth is linked to his productivity. So he measures his worth through his output. Right, he believes that hard work equals love, respect or security.

Speaker 2:

But there's a cost. So the machine, the cost is emotional disconnection, burnout, of course. And if he's not accomplishing something, if he's not hitting a goal, if he's not working towards something frantically, then he may actually lose his sense of self. How does this impact relationships and his relationships. Well, again, he's going to be physically present but he's likely going to be totally emotionally absent. His family sees his achievements but not the man himself. And so, again, if he's anchoring himself into the things that he's accomplishing, then that's going to be his drive. And unfortunately, these men, they have often a disconnect from their kids, because their kids are actually seeking connection. They're not seeking, they're not looking for their dad to be this amazing kind of like achiever. That's not actually what they want, because achievement normally means hyper-focused, outside of the connection. So I'll give you an example of maybe some of the the ways in which the machine works. So he schedules every minute for work or personal projects above everything, but he struggles to have real conversations, and especially with his partner.

Speaker 2:

All right, moving on to the third mask, the third mask is the nice guy. Now, I know this one so well because it was me and I had to work really, really hard to overcome this. And it's an interesting one, because the nice guy actually thinks that by being nice and giving or putting everyone's needs first, thinks that by being nice and giving or putting everyone's needs first, we'll bring him love and connection, we'll help him to be accepted, we'll avoid rejection. So one of the biggest features is that the nice guy avoids conflict at all costs. He doesn't want to rock the boat, he plays it safe. He stays in the middle ground because he feels that it's safe.

Speaker 2:

The internal dialogue in the nice guy is if I show my real feelings, I'll be rejected or unloved. So deep down, the nice guy believes that his actual self is completely unlovable. So instead he'll just be nice and he will just look after everyone else so that they don't leave him. So the motivation behind this mask is he wants peace, he wants acceptance and he wants love, but he wants love without the risk. He does not want to risk it all, and so the best way to do this is for him to just stay on, I guess what you'd call, maybe an even keel. So he's not going to, yeah, shake things up, rock the boat, stand out at all, and he's always going to consider, even in micro moments, how can I be of service outside of me, rather than ever fulfilling his own needs. So here's the hidden cost for the nice guy His resentment builds, his authenticity is completely eroded and his emotional needs are actually neglected.

Speaker 2:

So normally, if you ask a nice guy, you know what kind of support do you need? That is a really really hard one for them to answer as well, because he doesn't want to burden other people, he doesn't want to put himself first or in the limelight at all. So how does this impact the relationship? Well, firstly, because he never puts his needs first, there's going to be a buildup of resentment and he's hiding his true feelings and actually giving up his own needs consistently, but no one's really noticing. And that frustrates him, because he sees that other people are actually, I don't know, getting a massage, asking for affection and getting it, you know, speaking what they want and receiving. And that is the one thing that really rubs the nice guy the wrong way, because he can't do that himself, and so he feels resentment for the world, feels resentment for the world. So the impact is also that the intimacy is going to be shallow because he hides his true feelings. He can't connect deeply, he chooses to hide behind this mask of the nice guy and just whatever you want, honey, and unfortunately she never gets to really experience him, never gets to experience his depth and the wonder and maybe even the thing that attracted her to him in the first place, all right.

Speaker 2:

So some of the examples here's some of the examples that you might see in a nice guy he agrees to everything. He's almost he's saying, he's saying yes to things when he really means no. He's avoiding difficult conversations because he might perceive that as conflict, which is risk. But inside he's feeling really lonely and often anxious and anxious. All right, let's move on to the fourth mask that men wear, and that is the stoic.

Speaker 2:

So the stoic some of the features are he's detached, he's kind of untouchable and emotionally controlled. So his internal dialogue, the thing that he's actually talking about in himself, is if I let anyone in, then I'll be hurt. So this then kind of develops this barrier, not only with partner but also with friends, and maybe there's been times in his life where he just hasn't been able to trust other humans and so he's got this assumption that if you let somebody in then he's going to get hurt. So his motivation is ultimately just protecting himself from emotional pain, right? He actually believes that distance equals safety, and so you'll see this a lot with avoidant men, where they Especially when things get hard, they'll distance themselves and they'll give themselves breathing space.

Speaker 2:

But often these men are linked with anxious partners and that just causes so much instability because the partner can't feel close to them. So there is a cost of isolation, of course. A cost of isolation of course. There's often suppressed grief, because it hasn't been processed, suppressed anger and suppressed sadness as well. So they become this stoic and the stoic is basically isolating. There's kind of this hyper individualism and, yeah, like their partner admires their stability, but they can't get close to them once again. So anything involving emotions or emotional conversations, they just flatline or they go or they stall, or they just come to a head really, really quickly. So in conflict, the stoic remains silent, not because he doesn't care, but because showing feelings is too vulnerable.

Speaker 2:

All right, let's move on to the fifth and final mask that I'm going to speak about in this podcast, and this is a really interesting one, and I thought I'd put this one in there, because I see a lot of these men around and I call them the seeker. So the features of the seeker so the seeker is someone who is on a path of spirituality. They like not just spirituality but just learning and just getting better and growth, and, and so the features are yes, they're always learning. There is this belief that if I keep studying and up-leveling my life then I'll actually avoid rejection or failure. So they read a lot of books. Maybe they kind of think that growth is a way to avoid vulnerability. So they've actually learned that knowledge becomes a shield. And the reason why I wanted to put this in is because I do see people that almost get on this pedestal and they kind of have this hierarchical knowledge that they kind of sprinkle around or they sort of I don't know profess to be this kind of like knowledgeable person that knows a bit more than everybody else.

Speaker 2:

And the hidden cost here, right of the seeker, is that they're because they feel like they know a lot. They intellectualize too much, so they're intellectualizing even emotions instead of actually experiencing them. So they're using their head instead of their heart, and so they can look self-aware. That's what their aim is to look self-aware, but they're not authentic. It's like they use all the lingo and all the words and and so they can look self-aware. That's what their aim is to look self-aware, but they're not authentic. It's like they use all the lingo and all the words and at the depth of it you're seeing that their relationships aren't that strong. It seems like they have connection with others, but when you see or speak to those others, it's not as deep as you thought it was. So how does this impact the relationship?

Speaker 2:

Well, partners can often see wisdom, but they can feel, sometimes, a hierarchical energy. Sometimes it's not hierarchical, sometimes it really is like a lot of knowledge, but they feel distant from them, right? So there's a couple of things that are missing here for the seeker, and that is depth, that is truth and that is connection. So they're often missing. So these guys, normally like they, I don't know they can tell you the latest book and, like read quotes out of it, they can share strategies, but they avoid exposing their fears, doubts or desires.

Speaker 2:

So there's the five masks that I wanted to speak about, and I want you to reflect on, if you're a man listening, which one do you have? And maybe you have a different mask, and maybe you don't even see that you have a mask, and that's okay too. This is about awareness. So the first one was the rock, the second one was the machine, the third one was the nice guy, the fourth one, the stoic, and the fifth and final was the seeker. So, closing out this podcast, I want you to know that every mask has a cost, and the only way that you can move through a mask is if you acknowledge that you have one in the first place, like acknowledging yes, this mask keeps me safe, but it also keeps me small. At some point, the weight of carrying this mask will become too heavy. Right. Then the fear of showing yourself, and the universe has an incredible way of yeah, just letting you know. Now, you can either get tickled by a feather or you can get hit by a truck, and sometimes it's a physical injury. Sometimes it's a loss of a loved one or a relationship breakdown. But often we need the dark night of the soul in order to see the mask, and that's certainly what happened to me back in 2017. I had a blend of the stoic and also the nice guy, and this kept me distant from others and I couldn't really connect with depth with my partner to the level that she actually wanted.

Speaker 2:

So the first step awareness. Notice which masks appear in your life and your relationships. Hold awareness with it. Acknowledge they keep you safe.

Speaker 2:

The second step is just small acts of vulnerability. I call it courage. So small acts of courage. When you're feeling something, reveal it. If it feels safe enough to Practice asking for help. Admit your mistakes right. They're the small acts of vulnerability.

Speaker 2:

The third point is find a trusted space or a friend right, because if you continue to self-isolate, then you will continue to perpetuate this identity that's covering your truth. So find a trusted space. If you want some information about something that I'm running online, I'm actually going to be running it again with my man, kyle. We ran a six-month Inner Sanctum program, so we're going to be starting that again in February next year and we're starting to take enrollments now. It's a very, very powerful way for men to feel safe, feel seen and heard in a really safe space. And if you're living locally in Agnes Water, I'm actually starting a brotherhood here called the Forge in October, which is all about helping you to reveal your authentic self, step into your truth, your power, into your masculine edge. These are often parts of ourselves that we've shoved away.

Speaker 2:

So if you were to break the mask and gently start to break the mask and come out with your truth a lot more, you're going to have deeper connection, deeper relationships, more authenticity, emotional freedom and you're going to have peace of mind. Authenticity, emotional freedom and you're going to have peace of mind. So ask yourself which mask do I wear most? How is it affecting my relationship and what's the cost of keeping it on Right? Ask that question what's the cost of keeping it on versus taking it off? So I'm going to leave it there. I hope you've got something out of those um, I guess those masks that I spoke about. Maybe you have more questions for me, and that's okay. I actually run a a free clarity call that you can drop into and we can just get on the phone or on zoom and we can have a conversation about the best way to knock this over to improve your relationship. But otherwise, thanks for listening. I hope you've enjoyed it and we'll see you on the next podcast.