Thrive Again - Your relationship podcast

What Sex Really Means For Men VS What It Really Means For Women

• Michael & Amy

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Ever wondered why “I want sex” often really means “I want to feel close”? We open up about the different meanings men and women attach to intimacy and how those hidden needs—safety, reassurance, being desired, and presence—shape desire more than timing or technique ever could. Starting with our simple P.I.E. check‑in (physical, intellectual, emotional), we show how everyday connection becomes the quiet foreplay that makes intimacy feel natural instead of pressured.

We talk honestly about mismatched libido, rejection spirals, and duty sex that drains energy. For him, sex can be a deep signal of acceptance and belonging, not just a physical release. For her, desire often grows from safety, emotional attunement, and a pathway out of the mental load and back into the body. You’ll hear practical ways to bridge that gap: appreciation that’s specific and genuine, non‑sexual touch that builds trust, and language that invites closeness—“I want to feel closer to you”—instead of demands. We also explore curiosity around kinks and preferences, asking why certain dynamics matter so partners can meet each other with empathy and clear boundaries.

If resentment, busyness, or past hurt are dulling your spark, these tools help you rebuild intimacy as a shared practice. Think week‑long foreplay, slower pacing, consent that’s enthusiastic, and post‑intimacy care that leaves you both resourced. By talking about what sex truly provides, couples can move from misunderstanding to a kinder, more connected sexual culture at home.

If you’re ready to move from disconnect to deeper intimacy, apply for our one‑day Couples Connection retreat in Agnes Water—limited spots. Subscribe, share this with a partner, and leave a review with your biggest insight so we can keep creating what helps most.

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SPEAKER_00:

Welcome everyone to another episode of Thrive Again Your Relationship podcast. Here with my beautiful wife. And I'd love to start with a check-in. So what's going on for you, love?

SPEAKER_02:

Do you want to do the check-in that we normally do? The pie? Yeah. Is that what you want?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, let's do that. Okay. Yeah. So pie. Just so that the listeners understand. P stands for physical, I stands for intellectual, and e stands for emotional. So we're just breaking down the three sections and yeah, just really like expanding on what's happening in each other's world, inner world. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Awesome. Yeah, yeah, we haven't done it today. So let's do it. So pi, P, physical body, knees feeling a little sore. Um, but that seems to be an ongoing thing. But generally feeling pretty good in my physical body at a good time of my cycle, so I feel a little bit more energetic. Yeah. I am for intellect. My thoughts have been pretty clear and pretty positive in the last few days. Uh excited for I guess the progress of our house. So I've been thinking a lot about that. And E emotionally, I feel empowered and excited and positive because I started the day at the beach and that always helps with that. Yeah, there you go. How about for you?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, thanks, babe. Um, yeah, for me physically and my body, yeah, I'm feeling good, pretty nimble. Um, definitely um could do with some more activation of my heart rate lately. I've been doing yeah, just a bit of strength stuff, but nothing high in intensity. Um, so yeah, feeling the need to maybe get my heart rate up. Intellectually, my thoughts have been in creation mode. So yeah, I've been in a bit of a cave in my thoughts over the last couple of months, and sometimes going to dark places and places where I don't want to dwell for too long. Um, but there was profound learnings that come out of that. So now I feel like I've come out of my cave and I'm I'm I'm feeling activated, which gets me to the E for emotions. Um, I'm feeling activated, I'm feeling focused, driven. Um, there's clarity, there's um, there's also um sort of like this um vibrancy inside of me that wants to um just start to bring some more gifts out that I've um found inside my treasure chest.

SPEAKER_02:

Awesome, exciting. I love that. Thank you for sharing.

SPEAKER_00:

That's okay. So let's um let's tap into what we're talking about. And um you spoke about the inspiration to me about talking about this topic, hey?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I think um it's come from uh I'm doing a bit of a course and some study and um diving deeper into um Alison Armstrong's book, The Queen's Code, and I'm yeah, just been reflecting on the differences between um men and women and their desire for sex or uh unpacking, I guess, how men and women experience sex differently. And I thought it'd be a great one to put on the show and in our kind of um reflection, but also obviously the the work of Alison Armstrong and what she's um come up with as well. And then it'd be great great to um for our audience to maybe reflect on the meaning that they put on sex in their relationship too, because I think it's a really healthy thing to talk about. Um, and this is often a really big issue for misunderstandings in relationships and conflict and frustrations, I'm sure. Um, and we were also a part of that, you know, a few years ago. And I'd also like to um help our audience maybe uh understand how to use new awareness to create this deeper connection in this um in this space of physical intimacy. So yeah, that's what I feel like we could unpack and dive into. Does that sound alright to you?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I mean, I mean, because there's there's so many uh problems that we have to help couples to to sort of wade through here. And it all comes down in in my understanding to a lack of understanding of what sex actually means to them and also not just the sex but the connection that might be uh potentially activated prior to sex and how important that is. So, yeah, we're gonna dive into this and and I'm I'm interested to hear your perspective on what you feel, and um and I know for a lot of men and women they experience what they speak about being this mismatched libido, right? Where one partner desires sex more than the other, and sometimes we can diagnose or what's the word, sort of clinicalize this whole thing that oh, it's just your makeup, it's just you know, you've got high testosterone, or uh maybe she's going through perimenopause, and and those things might be true, but often what we find is that there's something that's missing in the dynamic in the relationship that is inhibiting the flow of sexual connection.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, it's a definitely important one to uh inquire into and look into and don't just brush it away because it can cause all sorts of um issues down the track with yeah, disconnection and frustrations and yeah. So I'd love to hear your from your side of what does sex provide for you or what does what what's what's your um yeah, what's your need for sex? What is it what does sex give you? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So intuitively, as you ask that question, the first thing that comes to mind is I feel close to you, like I feel like I'm connected to you as close as I can be. And it's not that I always want that, right? Like it's not that I always want that, but it's like for me, everything seems to melt away, not just during the sex, but then after, and and it's it's like it's like we become one for a period of time and we melt away all the other issues or tensions or tasks and to-do lists and all the crap that we've got to deal with in life, and me and you bond together in a moment that is often for me um really profound and really connecting. So um so that's that's probably the first thing. I just want to be close to you and I want to experience you in your physicality. Um, I want to experience your spirit through your body. Um I I I wanna I want to experience you merging with me. So that's that's the the the primary thing that comes up for me.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, it sounds like it's much more than just a physical connection, right? It's that kind of like spiritual connection and um a deep emotional connection as well, all in one. I think that's sometimes that men, you know, we we can misunderstand men. Um like obviously that's not new to me because we've talked about this, but if some women are listening, it may be new to them, and particularly because for me it was new when we when we first started discussing this type of stuff. But it it's not uh for me, I just thought sex was a physical release. It's just like something for men, you know, something they just want to release and get over with because they've got this built-up pressure that they need to let go of, you know. Um, but n understanding more and more about what sex means for men, I can see that it's actually like a really deep form of connection, um, which you shared, and it's um much more wholesome and beautiful than what I guess I thought as a you know, 10 years ago, in or eight years ago in my relationship.

SPEAKER_00:

One thing I really want to speak about though is that it's not the case, it's not the truth for every man. Of course. Um, so I I know that like I'm just speaking from my experience, that's my primary um the thing when you ask that question come up was that like that was the primary thing. Um but relief and pressure release is also it's also part of like what I need and what I love, um, because that melting away effect is also something that helps me to release the pressure that's inside of me that that has existed, right? Like through my work, through the pressures of life, and all the other little melodramas that I dwell in. So, in a way, like I can see and I've you know experienced that that can also be some sort of a an addiction where um you can be seen as or feel like a resource to me, um, in terms of like, yeah, like the the old term, I'm just a piece of meat. I he's just he just kind of like you know wants to get off, and I just happen to be the one who's on the other end of it, and I feel like it's my duty to just be there and just help him with that. Um, but what's happening underneath there is if the man isn't embodied in himself, if he doesn't have like mature masculine energy that's integrated within himself, then he's not really going to see it any other way, right? So that there might just be you should be the person that helps me to relieve myself, and that's just how like the structure works, right? And so, yeah, it can get quite complex in that, but for me, just coming back to the question, yes, I do get relief, and I do get a pressure release as well. So that is important for for men and for myself as well, but I also acknowledge you, I acknowledge the feminine through that, and I'm honoring you through that process.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, it's not just about that act of release, you know, that's part of it, I understand completely, and you know, relieves the the mental and emotional pressure that um exists in you. So tell me, what else? What else does sex provide for you?

SPEAKER_00:

Massive one is reassurance that I'm worthy, yeah, reassurance that I matter, um, reassurance that you accept me. And I think I'd be foolish to say that I I don't feel like I'd be foolish to to say that I'm I'm feeling worthy all the time because I'm not. Like there are times when I I second like second guess, like you know, maybe decisions that I've made, or am I doing enough for this family? Um am I enough of a husband and a man for you? And so in these moments, it's reassurance. It gives me that like confidence and clarity that I matter, I'm on like I have a sense of belonging in this in this partnership and um and you love me.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it? Because you think, I don't know, uh I think we all struggle with this, but um, when you look from an outside point of view, looking in, you know, if people follow us on social media or something, that think that you're a you know, you're confident, you you've got that self-confidence, that self-worthiness, but there is still this um innate desire to feel that through um connection, through intimacy and through sex, you know. And um I love that you spoke into that because um it doesn't like you know, there's a different side of like you can either be not confident enough and then having this um insecurity that I need to feel for you through this, or actually it's just this pure desire to feel loved and needed, and that um sex can provide that for you as a difference, you know. It's not just yeah, an a general insecurity that I need to remind you that you're loved because I don't see that, I don't see the your unworthiness, I don't see you behave in that way or act in that way or you know, insecure. But um, it's interesting that you bring that up in what sex provides to you know to fulfill that part of you as well.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it's definitely part of it. Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, interesting.

SPEAKER_00:

Is there anything else? Uh I I think they're probably the main things, um, and and just like a sense of yeah, being trusted and just you know that that you trust me, um, that you're willing right now to open and explore with me through physicality speaks volumes to me that um it's not just that I'm enough, it's that you that you desire me, like that you actually have this intrinsic want to connect with me also, um, which then sends like I don't know, I receive these signals that um that you're attracted to me. So then that that also provides further confirmation and reassurance.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah, and I can imagine that's like a boost in your self-esteem and your confidence, and you pick yourself up, like you said, that feeling afterwards that all comes from that as well, too, right? Yeah, and I think you know, without that connection, often um we see that men can feel unwanted, maybe even emasculated or rejected, you know. When women emasculate men by, I'm not giving you sex, not I'm not, you know, I'm not gonna put out, but um that just feeds this toxic cycle, you know, it's like this power that the woman has over the man by not giving her him sex. Um, but yeah, I that's what I said that the the misunderstandings and the um um lack of um shared communication about what sex means for each other can cause this awful cycle that couples can get into, and we see that a lot. But um yeah, it it's it's not my and like it's often not the women's intention, but it's just again not not communicating, not understanding each other. Yeah, I think that's important to to remind you by shutting down a man's desire for sex or your partner's desire for sex is very emasculating, it's just showing your power over him.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and I also want to just reiterate that um that a woman doesn't need to consent to sex either, like there's no expectation that she should just give her body over. Um and we're gonna go through why and why this happens, why a man why a woman can actually reject sex as well. Uh, we'll go through that because that's super important. There's a man that maybe has lots of shadows, um, and yeah, that may play into um an inability to kind of like connect with her. So we'll go into that as well. But um what about for you, babe? What does sex do or bring for you?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I I I've been reflecting on this, and obviously, you know, listening to um Alison Armstrong's book, there's there's lots of layers for sex for women, and I think just like you shared, you know, there's layers for you, right? Um but sex often begins long before the physical act for us women, as we've probably mentioned before, but it's it's through the emotional intimacy, it's through the communication, the presence with me, it's through feeling safe, uh, it's feeling seen. That sex provides all of those things because I need to have those things before in order to be able to really deeply connect in in sex. Yeah. So I I guess once all of those things have been met, so I can get to that place. Um sex provides a space for me to feel really present, um, which I'm just gonna speak for myself. I find it tricky to be present because of women are well, my mind is so busy, you know, tasks and jobs and thinking about the kids and what time they need to get picked up, what are they having for dinner, the the washings in the machine, that job that email needs to get replied. Like my mind is like multitasking all the time. So it can really be a beautiful experience of being present and coming back to my body, coming back to the the sensations of touch and helping my body to to remember it's there again, you know, because I'm not just stuck in this head up, you know, all in my head. And yeah, so it's a beautiful connection to my body and to um the the present moment. It's not much about you, is it really so far? Yeah, but it is what you get out of it exactly.

SPEAKER_00:

So it's important because yeah, this is the case for so many women now. This there's there's a lot of weight that's on women that never used to be there that that they didn't really have to worry about. Because now, like with the pressures of even the financial pressures, and yeah, most women are working full-time, they're trying to be mums, they're trying to be house, like, you know, work on the with the house and all the things. So it's busy, and there's like busyness is existing in the head. So I think what you're saying is like it helps you to drop back into your body where you can be in your feminine flow, where you can remember that um that that you also matter, and your feelings um in terms of like connecting with yourself through sex with another can be can be activated.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah, for sure. And you being able to help provide that for me just uh sh allows me to drop deeper into love and acceptance and um and vulnerability, I suppose, you know. Um so you holding that space for me to be able to be present with my body and help me to get out of the head really creates this deep attunement, this emotional attunement to what's happening in this body? Like, how am I feeling? And I often, I don't know about other women, but I often feel sometimes quite emotional after we finish sex, you know, because I'm like, oh my gosh, I've been not processing all of this stuff that's come through. So it's also like a bit of therapy in a way, sometimes for me, depending on obviously what's happening in my life, but uh emotional attunement and feeling um feeling really cherished and feeling um important in your life, uh yeah, and and loved. That's something else that sex provides.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I love that. Yeah, yeah, I I think um I think that that hits it on the head because I notice that in you is that the especially the the part about reme like the remembrance and almost the healing that can come from it. Um if you're willing to just maybe bathe in that after effect for a while. Um because it is such a human experience that's so deep and rich can be. Um if if both if both humans are pretty clear, right? And that's that's a whole nother episode, right? If there's you know sexual trauma and baggage and resentment, then yeah, it's it's not you're not gonna have that wholesome effect. So I don't want to give the listeners this idea that it should be this way. It's just that you and I have had to work through a lot of things, and the couples that we often work with have to also work through some of the baggage so that they can feel safe to connect with each other again.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, safety is such a big one, and that's taken me a little while to work through, like you said, that and but with your support and with each other helping each other through that. Um, but once that um safety is experienced in the body, safety within yourself, I can trust you, I can let go, then there's a whole nother um experience, complete experience, and like you said, we were talking about before, but it's like this out-of-body worldly um sexual experience that um or spiritual experience during this this time too. Yeah. But I think it's important to also mention that, you know, we talked about before how and we see this in the couples that we work with, how men just need to be relieved, and that can often be quick and rushed and you know, just you know, uh like a duty for the women. When when that happens when it used to happen to me in our relationship early on, I don't think we were super bad, but there was times where I felt that it it it really um makes me feel unseen and like you said, just like a like a piece of meat, I don't like that word, but but it can kind of suck my energy, it can actually be really draining as opposed to energy filling, like all the things that I mentioned earlier is it fills my energy, it f like helps me feel alive and invigorated and and vital again. But if um women are having sex just to relieve their husbands or their partners, it's really zapping and it can really be draining, and that's again another layer that the women shut down, right? And we talked about like why that happens and and yeah, it's because uh unconsciously they're like I I'm not getting anything from this exchange, I'm not feeling valued or loved or cared for or appreciated or respected. I'm just giving that to you. So, yeah, so it's important to for if you know if you're in that sort of relationship to have conversations as well and and deepen into this a little bit more because it could literally be one or two conversations away from understanding what the meaning is for each other, so therefore that can um soften and and each of you can see what's happening here. Because remember, I think we're built up in this society where we we can't talk about sex, you just do it, you know. You don't speak about it, you don't communicate, you don't share what you like, what you don't like, and I really want to bust that myth of um sex.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it's so big, and and I think we can we can hone in even a little bit deeper into the kinks and quirks that each person might have and their desires sexually as well, and how that's another layer of this, like whereas the judgment can be seen from the outside that oh, what do you mean you want like to be tied up and dominated and all that? That's really weird that you like that. But what if you were to inquire with her about like why she likes that and find out and get an understanding of the inner world of what that means to her? And what you might find is she might say something like, Well, actually, I'm I'm the boss of like this firm, and I feel like I'm constantly dominating everybody, and I'm always in charge, and I'm always like the head of everything, and I just feel like bloody surrendering for once and letting someone else take control, and that wants to be expressed through sexuality. So, for some people, that's really important to them, but from the outside it might be perceived as you're weird or you're you know you're a deviant or something like that. So it's important to mention that this can go deeper in understanding why each other likes the certain things that they like within the bedroom as well.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, absolutely. That's what the discussion about like what does sex provide for you and even like how long, what you don't like, what you do like, like all of those things are really healthy conversations.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and I think there was a part that we should explore here just to to sort of like round this off as well. What you were talking about just briefly before, which was that the lead into the sex and how important that is for for women, and I'm like not just talking about the the hour before, are we?

SPEAKER_02:

No, not at all. Yeah, like the the foreplay for women can be like a whole week, you know. Um, and yeah, because it it's just you men have this switch, you can switch it on and you can be ready. Us women need more connection, need more trust, more safety to f to really be able to open and surrender to deep, you know, intimacy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So what does that look like? Yeah, it's not true. Like like I guess just imagine someone who doesn't know how to do that, like who's listening to this, and like men especially, like what yeah, I don't know, some things that maybe you and I do or or that you think of that might be helpful for you lead the week leading in.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah. Um, I think things like um physical touch, you know, just a cuddle, a hug, um, just sitting next to each other on the couch and um not just staring at your phones, but actually maybe a hand on your leg. Um maybe it's some like that check-in right at the start, like being able to um for your partner to see you in something like that, to express something that's emotional or vulnerable, uh, and to be heard and to really be held in whatever that is without fixing or changing the subject or avoiding it. Um, all of those things help a woman woman to feel safe, um, and that will help her to be able to surrender and let go. Yeah. So yeah, little things like that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Yeah, and I think there's there's also like this um i if if you can witness her and the things that she's doing to serve the family and speaking it to her, the appreciation um so she can feel seen, um, I think that that's also really helpful. But all the things that you've spoken about, I I I want to say like it's not easy for a man to work all day and then come home and he's exhausted, but then to think about his partner. But think about it. If this just keeps this cycle keeps repeating over and over and over again, then you would have served your boss or your business way more than you've served your wife or your partner over a period of say 20, 30 years, I don't know, the whole the whole extension of your life, and you you sort of expect her to just turn up like for you and open herself to you. So there does need to be a kind of intrinsic muscle that's flexed where you notice her, like you notice her and you speak it to her and you show it in affection in a non-sexual way, because then she's gonna feel like she's safe and she's seen.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. And I think you know, having conversations like we were um suggesting about like what sex provides for each of you or what you like and what you don't like, it can really change the language, you know. Like you you can it can go from like I want to have sex with you to like I I want to feel closer to you. That in itself will melt the woman much nicer than I want to have sex. It's like, yeah, I want to feel closer to you, I wanna, you know, I wanna you know spend time together, I miss you. Um that sort of language can um be much better received from women as well. So being able to communicate so you can understand what that means for yourself and then what it means for your partner um can really bridge the gap. And then also, like you said, um non non-sexual intimacy, you know, like the touches, the gazes, the reminders of appreciation for each other as well, and that can um lead into that foreplay.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, beautiful.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, what do you think? I reckon that's about it.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, cool. Well, I hope you got something out of that. We I do have something that we could possibly offer the listeners here that might help to excuse me, connect um physically and emotionally and and and really like reignite the vibrancy that might have waned over time, and there could be some resentment that gets in the way, and maybe you're just so busy, like maybe life's just like this crazy whirlwind, and you don't really know how you can ever prioritize your relationship because there's just no time. And so, yeah, I wanted to invite you to our Couples Connection retreat, which is a one-day retreat in the magnificent, idyllic, beautiful central Queensland town of Agnes Water, which is just a few hours north of Brisbane, and we are running a really special event and we've been planning this. Um, I'm so excited about what's here for these couples. There's only up to eight couples. Um, we've already got four couples on board, so there's only four spots left. But if you're listening to this and you feel like it's time, like it's time to activate, and you only have a limited amount of time, then in one day we're gonna help you guys move from disconnect to deeper intimacy and show you not only just give you experiences but give you tools as well to communicate better and have a lasting effect.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, check out our website. We can put the link in the show notes for this one as well for our retreat. It is applications only, so we're not opening up to everybody, but you just need to quickly apply and um we can be in touch and find out a few more details. Um, and we'd love to see you there.

SPEAKER_00:

All right, listen. Hope you have a beautiful day, and I will catch you on the next podcast.