Sexual Performance Anxiety - How To Fix Erection Problems with Shay Doran

Ever felt like the bedroom turned into a stage and you forgot your lines? We sat down with men’s coach Shay Doran to explore why performance anxiety is so common, how it hijacks the body’s physiology and what it really takes to restore ease, desire and connection. Shay’s lived experience brings rare honesty to a topic many couples avoid: erection challenges, premature or delayed ejaculation and the shame-laced stories that grow around them.

We trace the roots where they often begin—early pressure to perform, moments of sexual shame, and the dopamine flood of porn that trains the brain to expect instant novelty and zero rejection. Shay explains the science in plain terms: calm parasympathetic tone helps you get and keep an erection, while healthy sympathetic arousal carries you over into orgasm. When anxiety spikes, blood moves to survival systems, not genitals, and everything gets harder, literally and figuratively. Pills can boost firmness, but they don’t create calm but mindset and nervous system skills do the heavy lifting.

This conversation is practical and relational. We talk about how partners can respond without blame, why appreciation and non-goal touch rebuild trust, and how communication outside the bedroom fuels desire inside it. We look at the “performance anxiety loop”—a cycle of bad experiences, anxious questions and fixed beliefs—and how to break it with clearer understanding, slower pacing and more presence. Along the way, we unpack why “duty sex” deadens desire and how shifting from proving to feeling turns sex into lovemaking again.

If you or your partner are navigating erection anxiety or intimacy that feels stuck, this episode offers relief, language and next steps. Check the show notes for Shay’s YouTube channel and a free 10‑question performance anxiety quiz to map your personal triggers. If this helped, follow the show, share it with a friend and leave a quick review to help more couples find their way back to connection.

Find Shay Doran on Youtube: www.youtube.com/@shay-doran
Take the quiz: https://shay-doran.com/free-quiz/
Here's his website: shay-doran.com

Thankyou for listening, if you liked it, please remember to subscribe.

Join our Private "Thriving relationships - Deepening connection to self and others" community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1107209283451758/

Website: https://michaelandamy.com.au/

Join our free 7 day relationship challenge: https://michaelandamy.com.au/free-relationship-challenge

If you would like to book in a private discovery call with us, here is the link: https://michaelandamy.com.au/call

Chapters

• 0:00 Meet Shay And The Hidden Problem
• 2:43 Lived Experience Vs Textbook Coaching
• 5:52 What Performance Anxiety Really Is
• 10:06 The Stage Fright Of The Bedroom
• 13:13 Stress, Physiology And Losing Erections
• 18:20 Early Pressure, Shame And Roots
• 23:20 Porn, Dopamine And Expectation Drift
• 28:04 Safety, Risk And Real-Life Intimacy
• 30:22 Partners’ Role And Better Reactions
• 34:18 Communication As The Real Turn-On
• 38:20 Keeping The Erotic Alive Long-Term
• 42:20 From Duty Sex To Lovemaking
• 46:12 Pills, Kegels And Common Misconceptions
• 51:00 Calm Vs Stress States In Sex

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

Shay Duran is a men's coach who supports men to overcome erection challenges and performance anxiety. Work that was born from his own personal journey. For years, Shay struggled in silence. Things in the bedroom weren't going the way that he expected, and the mix of adult content, pressure to perform, and a need for sexual validation left him questioning his confidence and even his identity as a man. What makes his work so powerful is that he's lived it. He knows exactly what it's like to feel the panic rising in the body, to avoid intimacy, and to worry that something is wrong. And he also knows what it takes to come back to the body, to confidence, to connection, and to a healthy, thriving sex life again. So today, Shay is coming on the show. He's helped men all over the world understand what's actually going on beneath performance anxiety, break the cycle of fear and pressure, and finally feel normal again. His approach is compassionate, it's practical, and it's deeply human. And it's transforming not only men's lives but their relationships. I think you're going to enjoy this one.

SPEAKER_03: 1:17

We're Michael and Amy, your couple's connection coaches. Our mission is to help couples thrive using a conscious and holistic approach. This podcast is for couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs, and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

SPEAKER_00: 1:47

All right, we have Shay Duran coming in to the show today. And it's actually a real honor to have you on here because I know that this is a real sticking point in a lot of relationships that isn't spoken about. And I think for us, like we just love to bring to the surface things that aren't spoken about, and maybe things that people are generally struggling with in society and relationships, and it's just something that's not often talked about in the workplace, at the pub, um, you know, behind closed doors generally. So today I'm super excited to engage with you, man. And I just wanted to maybe kick this off with asking, how did you get into the space of yeah, dealing with these pressures, sexual pressures that exist in at the moment specifically for men? Um, yeah, tell me how you got into that space. I'd love to hear hear about this.

SPEAKER_02: 2:47

Yes, thank you as well for welcoming me. And I got into this because I went through it myself. You know, for many years I experienced performance anxiety, which led to erection problems. And there were many mistakes that I was making that I didn't I did not realize. I had no idea, and I I think we'll be getting into some of that today. Uh but as you said, many guys go through this. It's a thing that we don't often speak about. As men, often we feel like we want to get it sorted out on our own, we want to just be able to figure it out without talking to anybody, and it impacts our partners as well. So um, yeah, I agree with you. This is a really important topic that we often don't talk about, although it impacts so many of us.

SPEAKER_00: 3:34

Yeah, yeah, thanks, Shay. I appreciate that. And to me, what I hear from you and your sharing is that you stepped into a space because of your own lived experience and maybe your own struggle and suffering, which to me just like it's ringing bells so strong because I don't know, I see a lot of people in in the coaching space that just kind of they're kind of like going off a model or maybe some teachings that they learnt. Um, you know, a lot of people in today, like at like for example, counselors and psychotherapists and psychologists, and they're they're they're kind of offering some great services, but not necessarily from their own experience. So I guess I'm I'm interested in why you think that it's important for people to have their own lived experience in whatever they're offering.

SPEAKER_02: 4:29

Yeah, and I think as you both know as well, because this is what you bring to the table, your lived experience as a couple, um it it just I think it just brings a level of depth, right? A level of understanding, a level of safety between us and the whoever it is that we're helping guide on the journey. Um because we just get it. You know, it's like we've been there, we've been in the moments where, or from my perspective, been in the moments with erection challenges where I was asking myself, what if I never get this sorted? What if I can ever satisfy my partner or future partners? What if I'm lone end up lonely because of this? And so when I'm working with guys to get this sorted, I understand how those thoughts feel. I don't just hear the thoughts, I I actually get how that feels. And I think it's the same for you both as well. When working with couples who are going through challenges, it's like you get personally what that means and how it feels to be in that space.

SPEAKER_00: 5:31

Yeah, thanks for sharing, man.

SPEAKER_03: 5:33

Yeah, yeah, spot on. I I feel like um having that lived experience uh helps to, like you said, put yourself in their shoes and what they're experiencing, but then also to more normalize it, like you know, to be able, it's okay, you know, this is actually um a normal thing or or you know, a something that you can work through. So I want to start diving in and asking a little bit more specific sort of questions. And I'd really love to know what causes performance anxiety and what happens, I guess, in the psyche of a man in that space, because for us women, we are so curious about what goes on because we have our own perspective, we have our own different idea, and and often it's never as bad as what the guys are going through. So, yeah, if you can maybe understand help us explain, um, understand what is performance anxiety and and where maybe it comes from or what some of the reasons it where it um is driven from. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 6:30

Okay, so I'll start like imagining a triangle. We'll start with the top high-level detail, and then I think as we go through this, we're going to be uncovering more and more. So ultimately, what it is is we're experiencing as a man in a through a sexual lens, we're experiencing some form of challenge in the bedroom. Uh, performance anxiety usually shows us up as either we're not able to get hard or we're losing our erection, or challenges with climax, whether that's premature ejaculation or delayed ejaculation. So those three things either erection challenges, premature ejaculation, or delayed ejaculation, that's basically the high level of what is performance anxiety. Uh, and when we're experiencing those for a prolonged period of time. Okay, so to your point about normalizing things, I really want to normalize it's very normal for us to go through fluctuations in our erections as men. There's so many factors that impact that could be how we slept the previous night, what else is going on in our work, what we ate, did we work out, did we not? These kinds of things impact our erection fluctuation. That's normal. But if we're experiencing continuous erection challenges or ejaculation challenges, that's when it's in the space then of performance anxiety or something medical, which brings me on to the second point. Um, it's really important that we always get anything medical ruled out first of all. So usually when I'm working with guys, it's either a medical or a mindset thing. Going to the doctor, just getting some blood, stunned, testosterone levels checked to make sure there's no cardiovascular issues or testosterone issues. We want to do that first of all. And most of the time it's not that, it's a mindset thing. But yeah, so that's the I'll pause there because I feel like that's already quite a lot. But that's what performance anxiety is and and how it usually shows up.

SPEAKER_00: 8:23

Yeah, okay. And so what do you what do people see you for the most out of those?

SPEAKER_02: 8:29

Erection challenges. Yep. Yeah, erection challenges. Uh actually, many guys, and I myself also over the years have experienced a combination of those things, and if it's once off or a few times, that's okay, that's normal. It's not what we see on adult content, and that's what a lot of us base our perceptions of how we should be in the bedroom, how we should perform, that we should always be ready. Even once we've ejaculated, we should be ready to go again. We never see a guy going soft. Yeah. But um, so yeah, so for most guys, it's generally erection challenges. Um, but sometimes it can be a mix of those.

SPEAKER_00: 9:11

I get caught up in this title or this concept of performance anxiety because the word performance is the very thing that probably collapses the erection. And I'm wondering if if that if is that true, is that true in your space? Like, you know, is it that there's a mindset of I'm I'm performing here? So therefore, there's a correlation between me going on stage and potentially failing, um, you know, me being ridiculed in front of people, um, me being laughed at, like, I need to get this right. If I don't, then I'm a failure. Are they this is that is that what happens when we perform? Like, and in the bedroom, is there a correlation?

SPEAKER_02: 9:58

Uh, you've hit the nail on the head. It's exactly it's exactly this performance. When we use the word performance, it's a high-stakes situation, right? So whether that is walking on a stage and doing a speech to a big audience, whether it's going for a job interview, whether it's having sex with our partner or someone that we were just meeting, it's a high-stakes situation. In terms of sex, we're naked, we're bringing our all. It is literally the in terms of love and connection, that is a very high-stakes situation. And so, exactly right. What you said there, Michael, around the what if I fail, what if I don't perform? We see it, we're viewing it in our mind as a performance, a standard that we need to achieve, like we do with other high-stakes situations. But we think very differently when it comes to the bedroom, particularly as guys, right? So we think I should know how to do this, I should have it all figured out. I I shouldn't need anybody to tell me how to do this. I'm less of a man because of this, if I can't figure it out. We don't think those things when we with public speaking, for example, or a job interview, we generally realize that okay, if I need if I want to achieve this particular thing, I need to learn a new set of skills that I may not have right now to be able to do that, to be able to feel more confident in it. It's exactly the same as sex, but we don't often, if ever, we don't think that to ourselves. We think we should know it all.

SPEAKER_03: 11:28

I like that. Yeah, it's so true. Yeah, that just really dropped in for me what you were just sharing there.

SPEAKER_00: 11:33

Yeah, I that that helps me to think about, oh, it's just something I don't know. It's like emotional intelligence, right? Like, you know, that there might be a guy who's just just struggles with actually like knowing what he's feeling. And yeah, like I, you know, I I often convey the message, hey man, it's okay. You probably just haven't exercised that muscle in a while. So, so how about we just you know work on upgrading the skill set? And that alleviates pressure from that man, um, you know, in in my observation. So yeah, man, that's that's dropping in for me too.

SPEAKER_02: 12:07

Because there's the set when we talk about sex and we think, oh, I should know how to do that, what we often have in mind is the mechanical part of sex, you know, in and out, and we build up climax ejaculation, then we settle back down again. That's really very mechanical part of sex, but sex actually, when it feels great, and that's often what we want, is not just more of the same sex, it's better intimacy. It's about the erotic. That's what we're not taught about. That's what we have to understand more about, and that starts with listening to ourselves, uh to our own bodies, which often when we're going through performance anxiety or erection challenges, the last thing we're actually doing is listening to our own bodies, and most of the time what we're doing is blocking, avoiding, ignoring this alert system that's basically going off in our body.

SPEAKER_03: 13:00

Yeah, that probably leads into my next question. Because I really am curious, like, why do men lose erections? Like, what what what is some of the reasons I guess that could be happening there for them?

SPEAKER_02: 13:13

Okay, so we spoke about the high-stakes situation. Um when we're in a high stake stakes situation, our body is more likely to go into a stress state. Yeah, like when we walk onto stage to do a public speech, all of those things we speak about even before a job interview, right? We've all been there where we feel ourselves shaking, our hands shaking, our knees trembling. So it's our body reacting to a stress state. It's exactly the same in sex. Now, what happens when our body goes into a stress state? Because often if we're going through erection problems or some kind of ejaculation issue, we think we're I'm broken. Uh why it's just me that's experiencing this. Every other guy is fine. What why have I got this problem? What's wrong with me? All nothing is wrong. We're not broken. What is actually happening is the body is going into a stress state because we're ignoring these alert system, the signals that's going off. And when our body goes into a stress state, blood is redirected around our body, away from the non-critical parts to the critical parts of our body, our brain, our muscles, because our mind and body thinks we're in a fight or flight situation. So we need to prepare to get ourselves out of there or fight. And as you can imagine, in that moment, our man downstairs is not a critical part of our body. So blood is redirected away from that area, and that's why we lose the erection. Um, but even if it's the ejaculation challenges, right? It's still this stress state kicking in. Uh hopefully, something we'll be able to get into is the some misconceptions around this calm and stress state when it comes to sex. Uh, but yes, to just close the loop on that question is the body's going into a stress state because we're ignoring it. We need to learn how to stop ignoring the body. Uh, but this is why we're losing the erection or early ejaculation or delayed ejaculation is happening because our body's going into a stress state.

SPEAKER_03: 15:09

It seems so simple when you express it like that, isn't it?

SPEAKER_02: 15:13

You know, like that took me years. That took me years and years to even understand and figure out for myself whilst I was going through it. I if yeah, if I knew that now, I feel like you know, the guys at our work, we get it sorted in a very short space of time, considering how long it's been going on for.

SPEAKER_03: 15:29

It took years and years to figure that out. Yeah, I can imagine the shame and the you know, the bad, you feel bad, the negative, you know, all that stuff that men have to go through when they can understand that actually what I'm hearing and what you're sharing, I guess, from my background of breath work and nervous system regulation is just being better at regulating your nervous system. You know, being better at trying, I'm not so reactive in a stress state, but I'm sure there's a lot more to it. But um, yeah, but it like I would have never put that all together, I guess, even the awareness that I have now. I'd I'd I you saying that helps to really sink that, drop it in and go, makes so much sense, you know. Like, of course, our body is in this stress response. The blank brain, the blood is not going to the parts it needs to, it's in that fight or flight and it needs to protect itself. So, yeah, interesting. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 16:19

Yeah. And like you said, the what we have to understand is why is that happening. And a lot of the advice, let's say, that we see out there is just stop overthinking or do this breathing exercise. And we see that that doesn't work in the moment. Um, because it's not enough. We have to understand what has created this like a like the pieces of a puzzle. What is it that has played a factor in some way, shape, or form of what's going on today? Because it's usually a stacking of events over time, not just one thing. And then that gives us the answer of how we get this sorted.

SPEAKER_03: 16:54

Yeah, so many layers, hey.

SPEAKER_00: 16:56

One of the layers that I'm thinking about now that's just dropped in is a big part of my adult life. The majority of my adult life, I would say, was caught up in seeking validation, like exceed like seeking acceptance from the feminine, getting confirmation that I am valuable, that I belong, that I'm enough for you. And so when you're explaining these things, I'm also thinking of this tape that might have been running in the background in my mind when I'm in the bedroom with another woman, and it's probably only because of alcohol that I maybe wasn't as affected by that, and that's just me and my personal experience. But if I didn't have alcohol and I'm in the bed with another woman, my my my lens, how I'm looking at the world in this situation, is continuously looking for acceptance rather than experiencing connection, rather than just being present in my body and her body and enjoying that experience. Is this like thirst for validation also a factor here?

SPEAKER_02: 18:18

Thank you first of all for being very honest and sharing that, Michael. I appreciate that because I think when we talk about this and what we actually experience, it just makes it more relatable and normalizes it. Like you said, I mean that's really important. We can see here this is it's performance-based, right? I must do X in order to achieve Y. Um and so we're we have this um lens or this kind of like a tick list, a checklist that we're trying to achieve. I have to be the best that they've ever experienced, or I have to be better than their last person, I have to make them want me back again. All of these types of things that go through our mind. But this doesn't spring out of nowhere. This is a really important point because often when I'm speaking with guys, they'll think, oh, you know, this is it's just maybe it's been going on for a few years or a few months. Uh, sometimes guys can even pinpoint the exact date when it happened this time. But when we start peeling back the layers, there is performance anxiety, my belief is the seeds are planted at a very young age, younger years in our life. And I'm yet to find an example of a guy that I have worked with where there hasn't been some kind of intense pressure at a younger age to perform, whether that is in an academic setting, a sports setting, uh, comparison to siblings, theatre, art, whatever it may be. Uh, and this may not be pressure from parents, it often is, but it may not always be. Uh, it could be self-imposed pressure, although I believe that we do that for a reason as well, to get to win love. Uh so it's either it's either usually that, or there has been some kind of shame mixed with a sexual experience. So this could be being caught masturbating at a younger age or being caught exploring with a friend or something like this, and then we've been shamed for it, and it attaches a very early sexual experience, although we may not know it's anything sexual at the time, but it attaches a sexual experience with a sense of shame. So, usually it's these a combination often, but it could also be one or the other of those things of um how we then develop those thoughts as an adult. But we often think there's nothing to do with my child life. I I didn't really have a traumatic life, and we just kind of write it off. But there is usually more there.

SPEAKER_03: 20:45

Yeah, yeah. The body, the body keeps the score, hey, like the body knows like all of that unconscious programming that's still in it, and it probably yeah, um comes out in those moments, even more so, right? Yeah, it it rate raises its head and it shows you actually what's going on in the internal deeper layers. So the peeling back is what I'm hearing is really important to figure out kind of what is the root of that pressure or that performance anxiety. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 21:16

I'm thinking about my teenage years, and I've I've spoken about this on a couple of podcasts, but I was so sexually energized and activated when I first went through puberty, and I didn't really know what to do with that energy. And like I just remember like the yeah, there was a lot of like you know, hiding, like you know, and and a lot of my mates were the same, it's all about just you know, keep a lid on it, you know, sort of like masturbating. It was like very much like like an energy that was inside that really needed to kind of come out, or at least that's what we thought, because it was kind of fun to play with too. But yeah, but at the same time, it was it was also there was this it had to be done in secret. Uh it had to be done like behind closed doors. And so there was this level of like um pressure in that, right? Like also, oh, I'm not to be caught, I'm not to be found out. And um, and then on top of that, my sexual education was nothing other than, and I I love my mum, and she did so well at at overcoming her lack of education in the sexual side of things. Um, she she just gave me mess warning messages about sex. So, yes, it was in banter and it was in like this jest, but it was kind of like no sex till you're 21. Um, you know, or if you ever have have to have sex, then you've got to wear a condom. Like, make sure you the last thing you want is to get someone pregnant. And so that was the messaging that I got. And the only way that I could see how I thought to have sex or to have sexual experiences was through pornography. And I wonder, like, what you think, I guess, about is this true for a lot of men in their upbringing, like their teenage years? And then the second part is what role does pornography play in this whole process?

SPEAKER_02: 23:13

Okay. Can you still hear me? I just wanted to prose a couple of times, so I just wanted to check that. Okay. Um right, there's a there's a very interesting book called Sperm Wars, which gave me a whole different insight on this, but uh, there is a biological reason as well why we hide why we hide masturbation and we try and keep things secret, and that's so that other men at if we think we're reaching our peak of our testosterone levels between 16 to 19, right? Which is when we're at the peak of like four minus, so to speak, as a teenager. So there's a biological element to this of not wanting to be caught or share too much because our body is perceiving that as if I'm very transparent with the other men, it reduces my chances of procreation. So without us knowing that, I believe there is a part of that going on, but uh often there is also it's combined with a really poor sex education from school or from our parents. I relate to that. The only sex education I had in my secondary school was it's very risky, it's better not to do it. So it's just so whether it's that or whether we're hearing through religion, it there's just so much shame attached with uh sex and very little honest conversations. Every obviously everybody has it, that's why we're here. Um, but it that we just don't talk about it, right? So I think this experience of hiding it and then not knowing what to do and feeling shameful because nobody's really told us about it. They've only told that we shouldn't be doing things like this, or we need to be careful. So um it's kind of like we want the the child to swim, but we're not telling them how. It's a different analogy, or ride a bike or whatever it may be, but we're not really we're just saying to them, you need to be careful when you ride a bike, you need to really make sure that you're very careful because it can be dangerous, you know. But we're not we're not helping them figure out how to how to actually ride the bike. And there is absolutely you know, healthy ways to have conversations with uh our children or whoever it may be around sex sexuality. So that's the first bit. The second bit, porn, uh yes, it's um it's a big challenge, it's a very big challenge. I think, especially now with when I'm speaking with younger guys, there's a clear correlation of porn playing a significant factor in erection challenges because the level of dopamine, which I'm I I believe many of us are starting to become quite aware of now, the level of dopamine that's released, we're just not able to replicate that in real life sex and real life partnered intimacy, you know. Even if it is, even if we're watching fairly standard porn, it's still right to the scene straight away. We've got it right here, nobody's saying no, everything feels very comfortable to our mind, it's safe because we're not performing, we're just watching, and we can look at anything that we want to instantly. So it's we're just not able to achieve that same level of dopamine hit with partnered sex, and therefore, it means that if we're training our brain, this is what I get off to watching a screen, when it comes to real life intimacy, it just makes the whole thing, for want of a better term, harder or less harder or more difficult to get hard, because um we're is our bodies not releasing the same level of chemicals, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 26:56

Yeah, and and something that that really yeah, just just hits home here is like you talked about training the mind, like it's training the mind. I'm also interested in so men don't need to invest in much in that process, right? So they're literally just opening up an app, boom, having a look, and they're into it. There's no um, you know, chemistry that's needed to be activated, there's no real like decent amount of of healthy foreplay, there's no interactions that lead up to that point. Um, there's actually no risk, like you said. And so things I'm imagining get risky when you've actually got a real life person in the bed. There's this perceived risk now. So is that I mean, to me, that's also a factor. That's what I'm I'm seeing as well.

SPEAKER_02: 27:49

Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's very safe behind everything's very it we're giving the brain exactly what it wants in the short term, right? Nobody's gonna reject me, nobody's going to say no to me. I can enjoy whatever I want to, and there's no pressure, there's no doesn't feel like there's a spotlight on me. So of course we want more our brain wants more of that. Our brain doesn't know the difference between whether it's a real person in front of us or a screen, it just releases the chemicals. It depends on what degree of the chemicals it's releasing, but it doesn't know whether we're watching a screen or whether it's a real person, and it probably, to be honest, thinks that it's a real person in front of us, yeah. And so, yeah, this is uh this is why it becomes a challenge, and um I think if we think of it as like layers, right? So there's the stuff that can happen at a younger age, then there's the layer of porn, then there's the layer of us not knowing how to regulate our own emotions, and it's just a stack-in event of these things, and then it gets to a point where it starts to bring challenges in the bedroom.

SPEAKER_04: 28:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 28:56

I I'm gonna ask a question from a partner's point of view, because I think you boys have been diving into that, which is really great. But uh uh in a if you're in a relationship with a man who does have erection challenges or performance anxiety, whatever you want to call it, what can the partner do to help them? Like, is there something that they can, I don't know, that you've seen help support their man or what what's your thoughts on that?

SPEAKER_02: 29:24

Yeah, this is a really important question because many of the uh guys that I've spoken with have had bad uh reactions from their partner. What the partner can do, because there's many times where I've spoken to guys and the partner's had a emotional reaction, which is totally normal and uh it's okay, right? Because we perceive if I'm on the other end of that as the partner, I'm perceiving is this because of me? Am I not attractive to them anymore? Am I not doing it in the way that they like to? So you see it's a very, very similar set of thoughts that we're going through. It's also performance-based as the partner. Am I not good enough for them? Am I not attractive enough to them? So we're almost experiencing a similar set of thoughts, but it's internal. Um, but there can be reactions, and when we say words, it can be difficult to we take them back, right? And so, just a couple of examples to bring it to life that I've heard is my partner saying to their husband, you know, you're a you've got a weak dick. Um I spend my days helping other people. I don't want to have to come and help you in this area or uh the other ones that I mentioned, is it are you not attracted to me anymore? And this of course makes the situation harder. I'm not judging any of the people that said those things because I've I've been there myself, and it can be difficult not to say things when we're experiencing these challenges. But um, yeah, so it does take a degree of self-let's say awareness and emotional control to be able to take a moment, take a breath, and realize okay, it's probably most likely not to do with me. But what the partner can do is, and it sounds very cliche, but to be supportive is to realize okay, it's not them, but yes, the guy does need to lead this and getting it sorted for himself is his challenge if he's going through that. So it is important for him to lead that, but for the partner to be there to say, okay, there's this this is going on right now. We both know it's going on. I don't know all of the answers. You probably feel like you don't know all of the answers as well. But I'm here with you as as you get this sorted as we work through this together, you know. That would be okay, the ideal thing that we would want to say, but basically something along the lines of that where we're still communicating what's important to us. So I really enjoy having sex with you. I really want us to be able to get this sorted because I love it when we can be intimate together. Um, but I'm also here for you, you know. So we're communicating our what we're feeling, but in a way without shaming or judging, making wrong the other person.

SPEAKER_03: 32:10

Yeah. Yeah. And I'm hearing what I guess we see, um, not in the or also in the whole relationship space is the lack of communication, you know, like you mentioned earlier, like we have this internal dialogue going on. But what we also see, it's not just in the bedroom, it's like in life in our relationship in life and every day, there's there's a lack of sharing what's happening on the inside, whether that's just something as simple as like I'm really stressed out, I've got a million things on my mind, the kids are bugging me. Could you please give me a hand? You know, on the in that kind of level. Or if it's like, hey, I'm feeling like maybe that there's something wrong with me. Is that why this these problems are happening? You know, so I'm I'm guessing the open communication is something that's so foundational in a relationship that needs to also be in the bedroom, you know, more and more than just keeping it all internal and keeping it thinking that, you know, you're the problem or your partner's the problem. And yeah, so I guess that the power of the communication is what I'm hearing is a big solution for helping each other in those spaces.

SPEAKER_02: 33:18

I agree. Yeah, I agree. And I think often what happens or how the bedroom how it's going in the bedroom is a consequence of how healthy the relationship is and the level of communication and openness in the in the relationship.

SPEAKER_03: 33:34

Yeah, I think that's what we've experienced too, right? You know, like our relationship wasn't always as good as it is now, but our communication, our openness, our understanding of each other obviously leads into the bedroom and the sex and the intimacy is next level, right? Because of that. So I think yeah, yeah, there is so much to what we're speaking into. Um, but yeah, if you can be uh more open and more understanding of what each other are going through, it's always going to be beneficial in any area. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 34:07

What would you say is your, you know, from other couples that you've worked with, the things that you have noticed that helps to, or the thing, I'm sure it's not just one thing, it's many things, but that keeps intimacy alive over a period of a long period of time, right? Many of the guys that I work with, they're in long-term marriages or relationships. And performance anxiety erection challenges aside, I think just keeping intimacy and the erotic alive is a challenge in long-term marriages and relationships.

SPEAKER_00: 34:38

Yeah. One thing that comes to mind straight away is appreciation. It's seeing your partner for who they are, and like not necessarily just what they're doing, but literally speaking, like the appreciation to them, what they bring to the to this ecosystem of this relationship, noticing them, like mentioning that, um, connecting with them without um expectation of it to lead to something. And so that then requires, um, in not always the case, but a lot of the cases, because men um can actually be sexually activated very fast, um, it can be literally just having a 30-second hug, right? And doing it for the purpose of connection and wanting to embrace your partner and for nothing else. And so for a woman, often there's this trust factor that gets eroded over time when a 30-second hug leads to some sort of stimulation downstairs, which then gets them to peer into, hey, like, you know, let's, you know, let's do it. And she's like 28 minutes from even getting close to that um feeling of activation. Yet she may feel like the duty um for her might be there to kind of please him or look after him now. And so the trust becomes eroded. And so when there's a lack of trust, then there becomes distance, but it's an it's a void, it's not a spoken about thing. It's more of an avoidance. I'm too tired, um, I'm not really feeling it right now, it's the bad time of the cycle. Um, and so when we're talking about sexual intimacy, um, I think that there's a gap that often exists that is often a lack of understanding in biologically how we work, like how a woman is activated. And sometimes that is um because she feels like she can trust. So that's the that's what comes to mind for me.

SPEAKER_03: 36:40

I think it's funny, isn't it? Like I remember just working with a couple just recently, and she it kind of was like a light bulb moment for her of how important um emotional intimacy is for women, not so much the physical, right? Like, like you said, you guys have highlighted all day, like all conversation is like men can easily get aroused quickly. But um, for us women, it we need to feel that safety and that trust, you know, and so it's the emotional side that if you're in a long-term relationship and you want to keep the intimacy alive, then it needs to also practice the emotional side, which is that the deep conversation, the connection, the presence with each other, the hearing, the listening. And then the woman's gonna be much more, you know, um receptive. Yeah, receptive of leading into the bedroom, you know. So I think I think that's a big key that a lot of long-term relationships might might just think, oh, she should always be ready, she should always be there for me. Like, but yeah, it's it's two-sided, right? Yeah, it's the dance.

SPEAKER_02: 37:41

Yep. It it's so wonderful how you both just put it, and just hearing you your individual perspectives as well, and the fact that you're a couple, like that's just really cool hearing it this way. Because going back to what we were saying, that often what I hear when I'm working with the guys, oh, I just want to be having sex more often, or I always have to initiate, and it's when we're in this zone of I we should be having sex as a couple, once a week, twice a week, what once a month, whatever the number is that we've put in our head. And it feels like it's something duty was the word that you mentioned. It feels like the one person thinking, I need to do this to prove that I'm still I'm still I've still got it, I'm still a man, and then the other person may be thinking I have to do this as my duty as their partner, and neither person is actually really enjoying their intimacy, or maybe it feels very boring, or we're experiencing erection challenges because we can see there it's a it's performance-based, it's not for both people, it's performance-based, it's my duty, or I should just do it, and it's not this deeper level of connection and and understanding of one another, you know, and that's what you said, Amy, when you said it takes it to the intimacy to the next level. The understanding is that is what happens, it goes to a whole different level.

SPEAKER_03: 39:03

Yes, yes, but on and I I believe that's how it should be, you know. Like I think if we um really looked at what um intimacy and sex is, it's so much deeper than what we believe it is, you know, and I think that's from what you've already shared, porn, our upbringing, you know, like yeah, I think we've got the the understanding or the um the information about what sex is completely wrong, you know. Um I I don't even want to call it sex. I feel like it's like love making and sex, you know, there's two different things. It's like if you're making love, that I imagine that you probably wouldn't have a great deal of uh erection issues in that space because you are feeling so safe and connected and and deeply seen from each other. But if you're in this space of sex, then it is more of like, yep, two people just don't want that to do and off they go. That is going to create these erection problems. But to avoid the erection problems, I think it we need to kind of see intimacy in a whole new way. Like, yeah, it's love making, it's not so much just the duty. But yeah, that's that's my understanding of my process of what I've learned over our 20-year relationship as well and helping other couples too, you know. Um, yeah, it's kind of a misconception of what what we believe sex is. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_00: 40:28

It does to me. Yeah. Um and um Shay, I want to ask you a question. Some of the listeners here might have resonated with what you've shared. Um what do you what do you think about like if if a man's experiencing erection problems or premature ejaculation? Like pills, firstly, like are there remedies that are you know kind of foolproof? Um, or exercises, or like where does someone start with this process?

SPEAKER_02: 40:59

Okay, I'm just making a note of this, okay. Um so pills, let's start with that. Okay, the reason why I'm laughing is because many of the there's no problem. We can take pills, you know, we can go to the doctor, and if we say, Oh, we have an erection challenges, it's very easy to get prescribed Viagra, Cialis, etc. But when it's performance anxiety, a pill will not fix the performance anxiety. Uh, but we because why? Because we have to be in a calm state uh for us to be able to get and maintain an erection. And if we're not in a calm state, we can take as many pills as we want to. It the pill does not put us into a calm state. So that has to happen for us to be able to get and maintain erection. It just takes the erection to, you know, it could be from okay, a seven out of ten to an eight or a nine out of ten. Okay, but we have to be able to be in a calm state first of all to be able to get hard.

SPEAKER_00: 41:51

So can we take Valium at the same time? Like we can we try some cocktails. Sorry, pardon.

SPEAKER_01: 41:59

I I would say do your research, speak to your doctor before you try anything.

SPEAKER_02: 42:04

Um, but yeah, I so many of the guys that I speak with, they'll have tried pills over the years and now they're finding, oh, not even the pills are not working for me. I must really be broken. I must really be screwed. Like there must really be something wrong with me. But it's because you often we're not told that we need to be in a calm state for these pills to be able to work in the first place. So that is a misconception that's out there. I'm not saying that the pills are bad, um, but they're not the thing that are going to fix erection problems if it's performance anxiety based. So that's the first thing. Um the second thing about exercises. So, yes, I would say this is more in this that space of uh ejaculation issues. Kegel exercises, so again, they're not the thing that are going to fix performance anxiety, but it's good to strengthen our pelvic floor, like it's good to go to the gym and do a workout or run or whatever it may be. It's good to stay fit, to stay in shape, and that's a part of our body that also why would we not want to uh keep that part of our body activated? And so um what's just come back into my mind is something we said at the beginning: the stress state and the calm state. A misconception is we uh we think that our stress state is bad and wrong, but our stress state is actually required for sex as well. So the calm state is the part of us that's responsible as a man for getting and maintaining an erection. The stress state is actually what takes us to climax and ejaculation. So when we're, if you notice, could be when we're having sex or when we're masturbating, when we're getting closer to climax, things feel for men and women more intense, the body feels tighter, and it's like this rhythmic contraction as we build up and then uh cross into a climax and ejaculation. That's the stress state that's taken over the body at that point in time, right? So the calm state starts off, we get and maintain the erection, blood's flowing freely around the body, the stress state then takes over into climax in ejaculation. So you may be thinking, well, if if the stress state takes over, then why am I still hard? It's because we experience both positive and negative types of stress. So a positive type of stress is an orgasm, a workout, where it's uh learning, where we're there's a time period in which our body is going through some kind of stress. It's not a never-ending performance anxiety, it's never ending. We don't know when we're gonna get it fixed. Intense depression or something like this, you know, it is never ending. This is negative stress, positive and negative stress. Positive stress is uh climax and ejaculation. And so um the kegel exercises, just how that links in with the kegel exercises, is uh when we're talking about the stress state taking over and building up to climax and ejaculation, it's our pelvic floor that's doing these contractions to take us over the edge. And so if we strengthen that part of our body, that helps. I see these things, whether it's pills or exercises, as the additional 20%, right? The 80% is our mindset and how are we approaching this? What do I understand about myself? What do I understand about us as a couple, about you, about me as a as a relationship, how are we operating? Right, this is all mindset based. And then there's this 20% that okay, we can turn it up a notch if we want to by focusing on these additional things. Yeah, does that make sense? Yeah, it makes sense, Shay.

SPEAKER_00: 45:37

So good.

SPEAKER_03: 45:38

Yeah, it's really helpful, even yeah, just more awareness and understanding is always more helpful. I think, yeah. I just love opening up conversations around this type of stuff because it's like you said, it's not that common that people talk about it. So yeah, I really think it's really helpful.

SPEAKER_00: 45:55

Yeah, so I I think I I asked that question because uh definitely a lot of men, they're very practical-minded. So they're probably thinking, Oh, give me a routine, like give me something like a you know, kind of like I take this pill, then I do these exercises, and then I'll turn up better. Um, but what you've said is mindset 80%. So how do you work with men? Like, I want to know, like, what because 80%, let's say, is the mindset. Is that an area that you work on?

SPEAKER_02: 46:25

That is the area that I work on. So it's uh, and it's it it's the only area for me. So, yes, okay, I would encourage a guy to stay active and be fit, but I'm definitely not designing workout programs for them, you know. It's my work is on this 80% of what is going on that is creating this sense of um uh let's say uh unsafety within the body. The body feels like there's some kind of threat, and this is what we have to figure out what has contributed to this. We spoke earlier on about this stacking of different things, experiences when we're younger. Um I often talk about this thing called the performance anxiety loop, which is we have uh some experiences that don't go to plan. We then form a belief around that, which is oh, what if I have a problem here? Or what if I can't satisfy the other person? And then that turns into uh sorry, not a belief, a question. We have a question, what if I can't satisfy them? What if they don't want to come back to me again because of this? And then it turns into a belief I'm broken, I'll never get this right. And then we go back to trying to force ourselves into the experience and it doesn't go to plan again, and we just continue going round and round and round in this loop of the experience, the question, then belief, then back to the experience. So the mindset to your point, that's where we have to work to break this chain, this never-ending loop. Um yeah, so that's that is 100% of the work that I do with guys, and I think often when they when when they start, when we start working together, many of the guys, as I was for many years in my mind, just tell me the thing that I need to do, just stop overthinking in the moment, or just give me the 10 steps that I need to follow, or the supplements that I need to take. And uh yeah, it's not that. I'm not saying the other work is because often there's a misconception, and I think you'll both understand this as well, is it's gonna be really difficult for me to do the mindset piece, it's gonna be really hard work for us to do this as a couple, as an individual, and actually it's not really when we're showing the right kind of tools and the path. Yes, it can be challenging, but it's not, it's often we think it's going to be more challenging than what it actually is.

SPEAKER_03: 48:46

Yeah. But um, yeah, I think it's good to speak into that because yeah, it's not as challenging as what the mind perceives. Oh, I can't do that. I don't want to have to go back to my past, I don't want to relive my traumas. Oh, I'd rather just, you know. But yeah, it with the right tools and some guidance, yeah, it can change your life, like not just in the bedroom, but in your whole life, right? And I can imagine the guys that you work with have that, you know, flow-on effect of the work that you're doing with them. It's just not just one facet, it becomes yeah, impacting everything.

SPEAKER_02: 49:19

Yeah. Yeah, I love seeing that when it's, you know, when they can say, Oh, it's they achieve something at work or what it just spills over into many different aspects of life, and it's uh it's a really nice feeling to have this sorted. Yeah, and to just feel like we can move forward in our life without having to pretend anymore. Because I think a lot of the times when I was in this space myself for so many years, was just pretending that I had my shit together in all areas of our life in my life, and I really didn't. Um, but now it's like I feel like I do, and it feels that feels wholesome. Yeah, feels good.

SPEAKER_00: 49:58

Yeah, I love that Shay, and and I think that that you know that ties in with men's work in general, is like we're just turning up, pretending, or not men's work, but men in society, often turning up shielded, um, showing this false self to the world, and really what this kind of work is asking of men, in my judgment, is to turn up authentically, is to speak about the elephant in the room, is to reveal the truth of what you're struggling with, and um, and yeah, that that's why I guess we felt drawn to you. I feel safe with you. I feel like um I could explore my psyche with you, and if there are other men that feel the same way, that there's this kind of like trusting resonance from this podcast episode, like connecting with you, Shay, how is it that they would get in contact with you if they just wanted to even just ask a question to you, not necessarily dive into deep dive coaching, but more just like, hey man, what would it take? So, how do they get in in touch with you?

SPEAKER_02: 50:58

Yeah. Uh thank you. I also feel safe with you both as well. And it just when we spoke and when I'd listened to your your work, it just felt like uh the right fit. And I think this conversation has proved that. So um, yeah, if you've been listening and it feels relatable, um, I think a couple of things. So, number one, I'll include in the uh the the comments or the details section the link to my YouTube channel. So this is you know, more videos around what's going on, what we're experiencing, how to understand this in more detail. And then also a um performance anxiety quiz, a link to a free quiz that is basically 10 yes or no questions so that we can understand if this is going on, is it performance anxiety or is it something else that's happening? Because we often get stuck in this just watching, listening to generic information and it can keep us in the trap of feeling like we're getting closer to getting it sorted, but we're actually not because we're not understanding what's personal for me, what's personal for you. You know, we may have a similar experience of erection challenges but or ejaculation issues, but how we got there is very different. And so we have to understand what are the factors that have contributed to this for us. So, yes, the performance anxiety quiz will for guys that are listening to this who resonate, I would recommend first doing that as the first step because it will just help you to see what's actually going on here, and that's the most important step to be able to actually get this fixed and sorted.

SPEAKER_00: 52:31

Amazing, brother.

SPEAKER_03: 52:33

I'm guessing that's not just the men listening to this, I'm guessing there's gonna be lots of partners out there, also women live listening to this and going, Oh, I think this is gonna be really helpful for their partner as well. So yeah, I think it's been really um informative and um eye-opening and just like you said, opening into a space that's not often talked about. And if we can bring some normality to that and just allow the men to feel safer to speak up and and to get some support and help in the right direction. Yeah, I love what you're doing, Shay, and what you bring to the world. Very grateful for you on our show.

SPEAKER_00: 53:06

Yeah, thanks for joining us, brother.

SPEAKER_02: 53:09

Yeah, thank you. I also love the work that you and both doing, and I think what stood out to me in this conversation is how many, how closely it's interlinked. Right, there were so many crossovers there in terms of the types of conversations that I'm having with men, the types of conversations you're having with couples. So it felt very full circle.

SPEAKER_00: 53:28

Yeah, definitely. Well, thanks, brother. Really appreciate jamming with you today. And um, and yeah, um, I'll drop those links in the show notes so the listeners can access you and your amazing content and wisdom. So thank you, brother.

unknown: 53:44

Thank you.