Thrive Again - Your relationship podcast

Stop Starting Fights With Your Eyebrows

• Michael & Amy • Season 1 • Episode 72

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 17:26

What if the real problem isn’t what you say, but the energy that carries it? We take you inside the quiet mechanics of relationship communication and show how tone, body language, and nervous system state can derail even the fairest message before it lands. When only a small fraction of meaning rides on words, the sigh, the clipped reply, and the raised eyebrow can speak volumes—and trigger a fight you never meant to start.

We map the moments where couples go off track: meeting each other at the end of a long day, stuck in logistics, feeling unseen, and letting stress power the delivery. From there, we offer a clear, repeatable process to shift outcomes. First, check your body: breath, heart rate, and the urge to predict your partner’s reaction. If you’re activated, pause and regulate with a short breathwork pattern that lengthens your exhale. Then return with curiosity and an “I” statement that owns your feeling and names a simple, specific request. You’ll hear everyday examples—like a softer way to ask about the forgotten milk—that show how small changes to tone protect connection and reduce defensiveness.

We also talk about the deeper work: why negative sentiment override takes hold, how unspoken resentment and old patterns amplify minor issues, and why nervous system regulation is foundational for repair. When you practise calm before communicating, you create emotional safety, shorten ruptures, and make space to actually hear each other. If you’re ready to experiment, grab our free “Calm Before Communicating” guide and three‑minute video to start regulating before the hard talks. If you want a bigger reset, our 12‑week Reconnected Union helps you deconstruct and rebuild your relationship’s foundation with practical tools and guided support. Subscribe, share with a friend who needs a gentler script, and leave a review to help more couples find a calmer way to connect.

Thankyou for listening, if you liked it, please remember to subscribe.

Join our Private "Thriving relationships - Deepening connection to self and others" community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1107209283451758/

Website: https://michaelandamy.com.au/

Join our free 7 day relationship challenge: https://michaelandamy.com.au/free-relationship-challenge

If you would like to book in a private discovery call with us, here is the link: https://michaelandamy.com.au/call

SPEAKER_01:

Where my clinic is to your couples connection closures. How many is to help couples thrive using a conscious and holistic approach? This podcast is for couples and single who want to unlock their relationship potentially and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs, and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

SPEAKER_02:

Welcome to another episode of Thrive Again, your relationship podcast. Amy and I are back on the couch for another episode, and this one is about communication. And we felt called to really bring this to light because we find in our work that this particular part of communication is something that's generally unseen or unnoticed, but it causes the most amount of conflict and ultimately distance from each other in relationship.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I think it can be um just so automatic and you know unconscious as well in relationships. And yeah, if when we can get better at um yeah, what we're gonna talk about, I'm not gonna let it it's a secret, isn't it? Then and then we can um really help to shift some of the the energy and the uh outcome to communication.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah. So before we get started, um yeah, I think that it's it's really important to understand that a study has revealed that only nine percent of couples are satisfied with their communication. Only nine percent, which leaves 91% of couples that are just like in this void of probably not doing that dance so well. And today what we want to do is really break down probably the simplest, but not necessarily the easiest, uh, shift that can be made consciously when you are devoted to your partner and you're wanting to make changes to the amount of conflict and for the length of time that you guys are disconnected for.

SPEAKER_01:

And also, I think this also helps to feel heard, you know, to actually feel like a lot of a lot of couples come to us and say, I don't feel heard, but uh I think um what we're gonna speak about in this episode is has a lot to do with it of not feeling heard.

SPEAKER_02:

Yep, yeah, for sure. Cool, all right. So I don't know, let's let's just think about this. Like m maybe there was an old a time in our relationship when we were frustrated at each other, right? There was tension, there was stress because we're managing the younger kids, both of us were kind of on our individual tracks, and the bridging across to each other would often only happen through logistics. Do you remember that, babe?

SPEAKER_01:

Mm-hmm. I do.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So effectively, I know I felt like I was in survival mode and I would be working hard, I'd come home, and it's almost like I would feel your energy, which would be task-focused and getting the kids fed, um, getting dinner on the table, uh, doing all the things that that we need to do to find some snippet of peace at the end of the night, possibly at about quarter to eight, um, if Hannah would go down without chucking a little tantrum, right? So I remember that, and I'm just reversing and rewinding myself to that situation. So often what happens is, and this may not be true for everyone, but couples are often together after they've been dealing with the day, right? So for you, you were dealing with, you know, you're working part-time, but then you're also trying to be, you know, a mum and all those duties and the household. I was at work away from home. Both of us had our tensions and stresses, and then we would meet at the time when logistics matter. And in that in that time, that's when things leak. And this is where we're coming to the first part of what we're going to speak about. Is if we're holding tension and stress in our body, then if we're not conscious, what can happen is that energy can be the firepower behind our words. Now, our words, although we think make up such a big part of communication, they actually don't. And what I mean by that is that through research, especially done by the Gottman Institute, they found that actually words only make up a tiny percent of communication, right? Do you remember what that percentage was?

SPEAKER_01:

Is it seven percent?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, it's about seven percent. So only seven percent of our communication is words. So the rest is all down to body language and tone. And what I equate this to is the energy behind the words, because there's no way that you can hide when there's facial expression of, I don't know, maybe sarcasm that has this hierarchy kind of feel about it behind some words. It can't be hidden, it's in the body language, it's in the tone, it's in the memory of our relationship, and this is I know what you mean when you say it like that. I know what that means. You are having a go at me. And so we just create these neural patterns within our relationship that lead us to having negative sentiment override, which is another condition, if you could if you want to call it that, where I'm only seeing you through the lens of negativity. I'm only expecting negativity to be coming from you.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, it's so easy to drop into that behavior and pattern because, like you said, it's just unconscious. It's become such a normality for us to speak like that. Like um, we don't take any consideration of how it's received, how it the other person's experiencing that um message, and yeah, unfortunately, many, many couples are are in the same boat, you know. We we we often hear that you know, she says some nice things, you know, she you know, she speaks to me that kindly, but then the one thing that comes across maybe a little bit more harsh, can cause this conflict, it gets you know um escalated quickly.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and we we work with couples and and maybe one of the partners will say to us, I've been trying to communicate like what I need, you know, I've been trying to get this across to him. And when we hear from the partner, it's like, but there's so much kind of like it's it's almost like the sharp edge to the delivery of of like how I receive that, and then I perceive that as being an attack.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, instantly, it's just a natural instinctive behaviour when it comes um delivered in a in a harsh way or in a negative way. Um, and you can't help that sometimes because you're so exhausted and tired and run down and all the things, but a small change to the energy behind the words, just a breath before you speak, can make such a big difference. And we're working with a couple yesterday and they created a vision where they wanted to speak more kindly to each other, and uh yeah, and this is part of the how, how they're gonna do that.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. So, why this matters is because if you're bringing up important topics in relationships, sometimes it can feel risky. So a lot of people just don't do that, right? So that they're not actually revealing uh maybe where they've hurt, um, where they've felt a bit dismissed. So especially if past conversations have turned into arguments and shutdowns and tension. So when we have that emotionally charged energy underneath our words, our nervous system it shifts into fight or flight, right? Making it nearly impossible to really listen, speak clearly, or stay grounded. So that's why checking yourself, right, before you deliver the message is such a big part of it. This is why calming yourself before entering these conversations is key. And we're gonna actually offer you, listen are the listeners here, um, a free guide, a simple guide to avoiding unnecessary, unnecessary blow-ups, and it's all about calm before communicating. So I think if if it's helpful, do you think that we should maybe speak about that process and and kind of just just the check-in process, and then that can accompany the um you know the PDF?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, sure. So I guess if I think it's not even just for those differ difficult conversations, I think it needs to be like in general in relationships is just just notice your your tone, notice your um energy behind the words, notice sometimes your body language when you're delivering something, like, oh why didn't you pick up the milk today on your way home? Like, surely you can remember that out of all the things, you know, that kind of thing. It's it can be s it can be shifted with, hey babe, did you remember to pick up that milk? You know, or something a little bit more curious, a little bit more softer.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, I love it when you really think about you know picking picking up the milk like before you come home. That'd be really helpful if you can remember that. Yeah, it's just a lot different to you always forget things.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah, and yeah, just the energy of like a bit of um condescending sort of nature. But anyway, I think it I think it's not just relevant for the harder conversations, I think it's relevant for all conversations or all um you know, communication with your partner is how are you speaking to them? And I guess it's a good one to think about. Would you speak to your friend like that? You know, and I think we forget sometimes that um, you know, the person that we love the most also has feelings and also has um, you know, uh can be triggered off very easily from how you speak, but anyway, yeah, yeah, and as part of that, sometimes like when we pull apart conflicts that have just happened for a couple, they miss the first part, right?

SPEAKER_02:

They think that, you know, like my partner is just so reactive, she always reacts to everything that I say. But the truth is it's probably because of the delivery that led to the reaction in the first place. So that's why we're gonna rewind it all the way back to when that first moment happens when you want to bring up something that is wanted, needed, or maybe there was something that happened that caused some tension inside of you. So the first step is to notice your state of being. So before you initiate conversation, just check in with yourself. Am I feeling triggered, tense, or emotionally charged? Is my heart racing or my breathing shallow? So this is just really checking in with the body, because often we're in our head. So the first things are checking in like, how's my body? How's my heart rate? How's my breathing? And then am I already anticipating my partner's reaction instead of focusing on expressing myself? Right? So if there's like a fear around, hey, I wonder how they're going to actually like are they gonna do some crazy backflip here as soon as I bring it up? Or you know, or uh do I feel ready? Do I feel conscious about what I'm gonna deliver? And if the answer is yes to any of those things, then it's a sign to not enter into that conversation right now until you regulate your nervous system. Yeah. So that's the first step.

SPEAKER_01:

Step one. And then if you feel like you're triggered or you know you're in those that heightened state, then yeah, maybe take some breaths, maybe go do something that calms you. Um, we've got a a breathwork practice that we share, really simple and quick, you know, longer exhalation, calming down the nervous system, coming back into the body. Anyway, if you can practice that and then come back and um uh uh try again. Try again when you're feeling a much more calmer.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, which which brings us to the final step. Let's just say you've you've checked your own state of being, you've found that you are dysregulated, you've gone and done a few breaths, come back. After completing that breath work, just ask yourself do I feel more calm? Do I feel more centered? Am I able to speak without tension or urgency? And can I approach this with curiosity rather than defensiveness? So, really just checking in with the energy that's in your body. And will, if you do have energy, does this have the propensity to deliver these words harshly?

SPEAKER_01:

And if you still feel agitated or emotionally, we call it flooded, then give yourself some more time. You know, give yourself the space and just remind yourself that actually it's worth taking that time to feel calmer before you start those conversations because we can guarantee that the outcome's probably going to be a lot better if you are coming into um that space with a grounded, calm uh nature.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and so when you're ready to deliver it, then yeah, just remember calm, steady voice, using eye statements is the biggest thing, right? It's such a simple shift that can make uh massive change in the way that you get your message across. If you always if you're saying something like you're always late, instead of saying, Hey, when you when you get home late and you don't tell me, I feel really nervous, right? It makes me feel really uneasy that it's coming from the eye space, it actually just is not as penetrative as you know pointing the finger, criticizing your partner.

SPEAKER_01:

Hmm, absolutely, and that that will really help keep that conversation a little bit more grounded and calm uh and help you to express yourself better because remember we talk about before, but when you're in a heightened state or triggered or flooded, the the thinking logical part of your brain actually shuts down because you're in fight or flight. So you're thinking you're delivering a message calmly, but actually you're probably not because this is um activated. So, yeah. So the conclusion, I guess, is practice intentionally breathing before conversations, and this will help you to prevent those unnecessary arguments. You can create that emotional safety and you can deepen into your connection because you both can feel heard and understood. So the more you use it, the more you practice this, the more natural it will feel to bring up difficult conversations without the tension escalating. So, yeah, I I hope that that's been helpful and it's kind of just brought some subtle awareness to the way that you show up in relationship and the way that you deliver messages to your partner. And if you can, I don't know, like five out of the ten times just be a bit more conscious and and practice delivering it in a calmer way, then I I think you'll see the results very quickly and you'll start to notice that actually the the power in yourself in changing relationships can happen quicker than you think.

SPEAKER_02:

Wonderful. And for those of you who are ready to make a big shift in your relationship, uh, we are running the Reconnected Union, um, which is a 12-week online uh container, which is definitely our most potent offering. Um, and I just wanted to mention that we work on the nervous system here because sometimes um to just simply change the behavior in the moment, there's more behind it. There's also some maybe unspoken resentment, there might be some even some childhood patterns that are coming into play, and we basically help you to deconstruct and then reconstruct your entire foundation of your relationship over 12 weeks so you can come out clear, um calmer, and connected to your partner. So if you're interested in that, let us know. And we want to offer you this calm before communicating free PDF, which also has a three-minute video on it, so you can learn how to step away and get yourself calm and centered through a very simple breathwork practice. So if you want that, you'll need to message us either through Instagram or send us an email at Amy at michaelandami.com.au. And if you have any problems on this actual journey of trying to stay calm, yeah, shoot us a message and um yeah, hopefully we can help you.

SPEAKER_01:

All right, thanks for listening, guys.