7 Things We Learnt About Love As Relationship Coaches

Love doesn’t usually break; it drifts. Between busy weeks, tense chats, and old patterns, it’s easy to feel unseen and say, maybe the love is gone. We pull back the curtain on seven hard-earned lessons from coaching couples and doing our own work, showing how real repair, steadier nervous systems, and fresh curiosity can bring connection back into focus.

We start with a vital reframe: you won’t communicate perfectly, and that’s okay. What matters is the repair ritual you share when words miss and tempers flare. From there, we look at the body’s role in conflict. When your nervous system is lit up, even good intentions land badly. We walk through simple co-regulation moves, time-outs with return times, and how to set state before content so hard talks feel safer. Triggers get a new job description too. Instead of proof that your partner is the problem, they become trailheads for growth. Mapping the cycle together turns blow-ups into insight and helps each of you see where self-abandonment or control might be driving the loop.

We dig into a confronting truth many couples recognise: you don’t fall out of love, you fall out of priority. Kids, work, and screens are real, but so is the calendar. We share small, reliable rhythms that put the relationship back on the front burner without adding pressure. Curiosity then takes centre stage. Ask better questions, drop assumptions, and practice staying with your partner’s world long enough to understand what it means for them. Finally, we explore self-love as the ground of durable intimacy. When you soften perfectionism, soothe old insecurities, and meet your own needs with compassion, you stop demanding the relationship fix everything and start bringing your best back to it.

If you’re ready to steady your bond and grow together, tune in, take what lands, and try one small shift this week. If this helped, follow the show, share it with a friend, and leave a quick review so more couples can find their way back to love.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Episode Setup
• 0:47 Why These Seven Lessons Matter
• 2:35 Repair Over Perfect Communication
• 5:12 Relationships As Nervous System Games
• 8:05 Mirrors, Triggers And Growth
• 12:57 Falling Out Of Priority, Not Love
• 15:09 Curiosity As A Bridge To Understanding
• 18:06 Self Love As The Foundation
• 22:00 Keep Coming Back To Love
• 24:15 Recap And Program Invitations

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:09

We're Michael and Amy, your couples connection coaches. Our mission is to help couples thrive using a conscious and holistic approach. This podcast is for couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs, and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

SPEAKER_02: 0:38

Welcome to another episode of Thrive Again Your Relationship podcast. And this episode is seven things that we learnt about love as relationship coaches. And we thought that we would bring this to you because Amy, you can fill the gap. How did we come to this? Why is this important to share?

SPEAKER_00: 1:04

Yeah, I guess it it came about from um a circle that I was holding for a beautiful friend who's about to be a bride next weekend, and she had a hens party, um, which is a little different from the old school hens parties, but she had a hens party and it was like a blessing way for her for her marriage. And I opened up this question to a group of about 15 women, um, and the question was, what's one thing that your relationship has taught you about love? And there were some amazing insights that came from that and such wise sharings and um yeah, beautiful depth. And then I just reflected, I guess, on all the things that our relationship has taught us, plus the work that we do, um, how it's really helped to see the bigger picture and um yeah, how it impacts us in our in our relationship, but also in our couples that we work with. So I thought let's share it, let's share the big picture stuff. And we're not going to go into like the nitty-gritty of how to fix it, how to change it. It's more so actually just opening up some uh questions and some insights into some of the really important things that we need to remember about love and relationship.

SPEAKER_02: 2:25

Cool, all right, let's bring it.

SPEAKER_00: 2:26

Okay, should we just dive in?

SPEAKER_02: 2:28

Yep, number one.

SPEAKER_00: 2:29

Do you want to go first? What's your number one?

SPEAKER_02: 2:31

My number one. You want to hear it?

SPEAKER_00: 2:33

Sure.

SPEAKER_02: 2:33

Okay. Number one, the ability to repair is more important than the ability to communicate. And why I wrote this down is because when we communicate, sometimes we don't get it right. Sometimes we say the wrong words, or it's delivered in the wrong tone, or maybe it's come through with a reactive energy, and maybe we've already pent up with other things that are on our mind, and then we've just in a moment dropped something that just doesn't really land, and actually maybe is even misinterpreted by your partner. So in this context, we're not going to get it right all the time because we're human beings, and that's actually part of the mystery, I believe, is that we're not perfect, and some people, you know, we strive to to perfection some people, but that's actually not what this is about. So, what is important is a repair process, it's circling back, it's coming back to love in a way, it's coming back to commitment to fixing what was undone back there, right? To lean into the thing that caused us disruption in our connection. And what that does is that shows a willingness to make this better without sweeping it under the rug and hoping it disappears. It's showing an honouring to my partner, it's showing that you're important to me and I want to make sure that we're okay. So that's why I believe that repair is more important than getting communication right. And that was the first thing that that I wrote down. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 4:20

I love it. Yeah, I think that's a good one. And I I think um kind of leads into this one a little bit, but it's like it's not about like who's right or who's wrong, it's like addressing the underlying pain, and that's probably the repair process is actually going into that deeper level because sometimes the behavior can come out like in bad communication, you know, can be the words said, but actually the the repair is the the addressing the pain underneath what it what it felt like, what it meant to them, what they you know, what they experienced in that. But yeah, it kind of adds on to that. But I think as well, it also is all kind of weaved, interweaved into each other, but I think what you and I talk about it, and I think you've talked about it a lot, is like relationships are a game of nervous systems. And I I really truly believe that. Obviously, doing a deep dive into breath work and and the nervous system and how um how it impacts the regulation or the dysregulation of our emotions. Um if we're able to stay regulated more often in relationship, particularly in the the difficult conversations or the the challenges, if where our nervous system is grounded and feels calmer, then we're able to work through and repair these things. It's when our nervous systems are triggering each other and the chaos starts and the anxiety and the avoidance and the um the patterns and the behaviors pop through that aren't um aren't uh able to, you know, kind of come back under control, then we spiral. Then it goes you know out of control, and then we go into all of our old patterns. So being able to regulate ourselves, help each other when we're dysregulated, co-regulation is really powerful in relationship as well. So just uh reflecting and remembering is like am I calm or am I dysregulated? And keep can I come back to this when I am in a better space?

SPEAKER_02: 6:21

Yeah, we've we've uh run a segment on um on what's the energy behind my words, and often nervous system is the thing that's the driver of the words, the driver of the communication, and if we're dysregulated, it comes through in our words, in our tone, in our body language, in the way that we're confronting our partner rather than meeting them. So, yeah, I um I totally agree. So that was number two, it's a game of nervous systems, is our relationship. Yep. Spot on. Yeah. So with the first two, just reflecting, if you don't have a repair process that's structured and where there's timing and there's boundary, then I'd suggest having a look at that. And number two, if you are coming in often dysregulated, and maybe you even lean on your partner for regulation, then that's not a healthy dynamic. Um, taking personal responsibility of our nervous systems is paramount within a healthy relationship.

SPEAKER_00: 7:21

Yeah, yeah, for sure. So the next one that I had, which I think again, we've maybe talked about this before, and we often share it with our club couples as well, but it's been true for us too, is that we we are mirrors of each other, and we are can often help each other, if you see it in this way, to um allow ourselves to grow in that area that we are triggered by or really find it challenging or difficult in relationship. So I guess that we we often say um relationships can be a mirror of each other where and and show us where we are not free yet. So that's a big one, um, but it is one that uh we've seen in many, many dynamics of relationships where um one person is really triggered by the other person, but it's often the person's work that is triggered that needs to kind of take some time out and look at that part of themselves to see what is why am I triggered by that? Why does that bother me so much? And I guess you know there's examples of that in our relationship too, right?

SPEAKER_02: 8:33

Yeah, I know, and before I jump into our relationship, I think the most obvious um relational dynamic where this comes up is when you've got someone who self-abandons and is a people pleaser, and then the partner is a self-centered narcissist, right? And then you've so you've got these, you know, these two individuals that are so far opposite, but there's so many learnings in there for each of them. And for, for example, like for the the person who self-abandons consistently, of course, they've attracted a partner that's abusive and that manipulates and that makes them feel like they're you know useless or completely um devoid of any backbone anymore, and that's just the way that they they need it. So, yeah, like what is being reflected back here to this person, and can they have the ability to see that to zoom out and not just point the finger at the partner, but rather, hey, what's happening in me? And um, I know for us, like um we'll zoom zoom into one thing that I thought of here was that often when I didn't prioritize myself and my own wants and desires, like you know, for you know, I don't know, adventure and connection with other people and things like that. If I see you going out to do those things, then I would feel resentment, I would feel like um yeah, you've just left us again, you know, and I'll look after everything here. But really, what that is is that's that's kind of like disappointment at myself for not being able to actually activate that for me. So yeah, the trigger is you leaving. Um, but really the truth is I need to learn how to do something for me.

SPEAKER_00: 10:16

Yeah, so yeah, absolutely. So yeah, we we we see our flaws essentially. It highlights where yeah, we're not free or where there's work to be done in in ourselves when we can see those triggers more clearly. Yeah, and I think for you, obviously, um, where I wasn't free in our relationship, and maybe this is still a working process, is like um allowing you to go and have the freedom and have the um I guess the independence that you crave. Um and I would micromanage and control that and not allow that, and like, where are you? Why are you why aren't you home yet? You can't go do that with your mates. We need you at home here. You can't like you know, how you how dare you have some time away because I need you. So that was in my work to have a look at where where that was inside of me and what insecurity that was showing up for me, and how I can actually maybe um find that in myself and find other strategies and tools where I can really deeply heal that part that um I was I guess projecting onto you as I at that time. So it's big big work.

SPEAKER_02: 11:26

You just you just transported me back to like years ago just then, and I just remember like the fire behind behind you at those moments, but the the fire was it was like this desperation, it was like this um like clinging to have me next to your side and not not let me go and do those things, and yeah, I just really remember like as I'm seeing you smiling next to me now, we're doing a podcast, but I thought back to then for a moment, I'm like, whoa, that brought back a lot just then.

SPEAKER_00: 11:59

Yeah, yeah, it was not a healthy dynamic at all, and that was really you know, both of our parts to to learn how to manage that better, but ultimately up to me to really um take responsibility of how I was showing up then. Yeah, so yeah, we we are mirrors. So if yeah, if you're listening to this, maybe just take a moment to reflect and see maybe the triggers that you know you have with your partner or how your partner triggers you and um how they irritate you or particular patterns, then maybe see if there's something that you can shift within yourself to help that dynamic to shift as well.

SPEAKER_02: 12:36

Yeah, it's a super powerful uh strategy that we run through with the couples that join the reconnected union is mapping the cycle and identifying the trigger, working out where that pain point is and then pulling it apart together to work out what the meaning is for that person. So, so yeah, just uh thought I'd mention that. The next point, can I go? You can go. All right, you don't fall out of love, you fall out of priority. You don't fall out of love, you fall out of priority. And this is often the case for many couples that we work with, is they feel like they're not seen, they're not heard, they're not valued, they're not understood anymore. And but how that's come about often is that distractions have come in, life's come in, busyness, um, kids. Like often when kids come onto the scene, it's it's all of a sudden the priority changes towards somebody else and someone else. And even though we wouldn't like to admit it because we just you know, we think that you know, I should never be jealous of my kids. But well, this is what happens, right? Attention and focus goes towards the kids in that in that setting, or perhaps it's like priority goes towards work and keeping busy and paying off a mortgage. And if there's no intention into building the relationship and working together on you know, through our things and maybe even just devoting fun time and adventures together, then we fall out of priority with each other, but we just mistake it that we don't love each other anymore. But eventually the void becomes so far that that becomes true.

SPEAKER_00: 14:14

Yeah, yeah, 100%. I like it. Pretty self-explanatory, really, and very common, unfortunately. But yeah. Um, my next one that I had is curiosity. Like I think we talk about this before, of course, but when we are curious, it helps us to shift out of our own reality, our own suffering that maybe is going on for us in our in the relationship, and put ourselves into um your partner's shoes to find more information, to understand them more, to see how we we think we know each other, right? Oh, yeah, I know you. Of course I know you. I know exactly what you're thinking, but actually I can guarantee you that if you ask some deeper questions, you might be surprised half the time because um yeah, it's we we don't ask, we don't know, we're only guessing and we're assuming, and um that's that's not going to be helpful to continue deepening relationships. It's the curiosity that um can save a relationship because it helps us to shift out our uh out of our own way and get into our partner's world to help um help to find understanding.

SPEAKER_02: 15:30

Yes, curiosity helps me to stay with you, it helps me to stay without jumping into my own um effect, how this has affected me. And I just stay there and kind of oh yeah, tell me more, like extracting, extracting, staying with them, and I think kind of childlike energy is what's needed, not childlike as in immature, but but childlike in that curiosity, right? That that that desire to know more. Um, and I think um that skill set has often been drummed out of us from a young age too. Um I know that when I asked questions to adults, sometimes it was just knocked on the head, like uh you you know, you don't need to worry about that, don't you know? So I kind of got I kind of got shut down in that area a bit. So it was kind of um, you know, it's interesting to to think of I wonder if if that muscle has actually like you know that that's lost strength over time with a lot of people, and so they don't actually know how to stay curious. So yeah, but it's very important.

SPEAKER_00: 16:29

Yep, spot on. Yeah, because otherwise we get stuck in our own worlds and we always think it's someone else's fault. Yeah. Great. I have another one as well. Um I think this is sounds so cliche, but I I think it's important to put it out there because it's been a journey for me and I probably for you as well, uh, in our relationship, that to love someone else, I guess your partner, you must first love yourself. And I I guess it this this has many depths and layers to it, this statement, because I thought I loved myself. I you know, well, in some ways, and there's obviously ways that I don't love myself, but majority of the time I'm like, oh yeah, I love myself. But actually it it drops down even deeper when you question all of those sorts of um parts of yourself that you actually don't love yourself. And they were often what I've just noticed now as I was speaking this out loud is that the triggers that I was that you trigger me on are probably parts of myself that I don't like about myself. So for example, when I was micromanaging you because I was insecure and anxious and unsure, that was a part of me that I didn't like. But once I've become uh aware of it and able to actually love that little girl, ultimately, it's a little girl inside of me that was feeling scared and unsafe and insecure. But once I made some peace with her and like reminded her that she is safe and she is okay and she doesn't need to create these behaviours, that's another depth of love. Right? It's not shutting that part out anymore or dismissing it or uh projecting it. So yeah, so there's so many layers to love, self-love, uh acceptance for self, you know. Us women probably hits a little bit differently to men, but we have all these insecurities as well about our body, our figure, our shape, you know, all of that stuff. But I have been, as you know, babe, I've been working through a lot of that stuff. Um and yeah, the more I let that go, the more I have gratitude and appreciation for my body, the more I'm able to open up to you and to our relationship. And um, yeah, so I I really feel like there's there's so many layers, and I'm still working through it, but you need to really start to look at the parts of yourself that you don't love or that you kind of maybe even despise and start to make peace with that part to help you to deepen into a relationship.

SPEAKER_02: 19:09

Yeah, well said, yeah, well said, and yeah, as you were saying that I was thinking just at the end there, what about you know, what about for me? Like, is it is there something there for me as well? And I think when I felt like I could never get it right, I felt like I could never really be enough, right? Because I was I felt like I was receiving attacks or criticism, yeah, I'd I'd really be defensive, I'd justify my actions, I would like, you know, I would always deflect things. So then that's because I'm not okay with just not getting it right, you know. So there was always this like I want to show you that I'm perfect, and when you expose to me that I'm not doing it well enough, then I can't sit in that for long enough for us to work through whatever it is that's happening. So yeah, I I needed to work on that within myself. I needed to work on my own self-love and how much judgment's there, why is there perfectionism? Why do I need to kind of where's this story come from? And what unfolded for me was yeah, a whole range of things that I needed to move through, and it still continues today. So if the message of anything that we've shared on that last point, it's that we're we're on the path to self-love. Where, you know, for for me, I'm I'm not there yet, right? And and I don't know if I'll ever get there. But the more that I work on me, the more that I am able to to stay in this relationship in a in in an authentic way, like in a way that's that's true and that's that's not manipulating or um deflecting situations where perhaps I should stay and sit.

SPEAKER_00: 20:53

Or seeking something in the relationship that's unhealthy, like you know, siphoning the relationship to fill your own doubt or self-doubt, or yeah, that's often happens too sometimes. So it all comes back to self-love.

SPEAKER_02: 21:06

Yeah, yeah. Awesome. Should we reflect on what we've gone over?

SPEAKER_00: 21:09

I think we have one more, don't we?

SPEAKER_02: 21:11

Do we?

SPEAKER_00: 21:12

Yeah. I think just finally in relationship, you gotta remember that you guys came together to be together, and in and in a committed relationship, there is a reason why you're here, but often we forget, like Michael says, we get busy, we get lost, we get you know, life happens. But if you can keep coming back to love even when it's hard, even when it's really challenging and tough, then this will help the path of growth. So I yeah, I guess it's just like keep coming back to love, keep coming back to to what feels in your heart like the best, and um remembering to to slow things down is really helpful.

SPEAKER_02: 22:00

Well said. Beautiful. Keep coming back to love. Yeah. And that intentions I think really helped me in recent times with repairing and knowing that let's just say both of us are dysregulated or not not great. Then yeah, just kind of like reminding each other that in the big picture we're still good, we're just going through a tough time right now. It's just really helpful for our nervous systems to understand that too. Just keep coming back to love.

SPEAKER_00: 22:27

Yep.

SPEAKER_02: 22:27

Love it.

SPEAKER_00: 22:28

Do you want to go recap?

SPEAKER_02: 22:30

Yeah, cool. So the the first one that I brought up was the ability to repair is more important than the ability to communicate. So that was the first one.

SPEAKER_00: 22:40

And then I think we talked about the game of nervous systems, like staying regulated together and for longer, so you're able to work through the discomfort and um conflict.

SPEAKER_02: 22:51

Another one was you don't fall out of love, you fall out of priority through distraction, busyness, lack of intention in the relationship. Yeah. And then we spoke about curiosity and the importance of curiosity within the relationship and flexing that muscle.

SPEAKER_00: 23:14

What do we say? Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it m saves a relationship.

SPEAKER_01: 23:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 23:20

And that's a good one. And self-love. Obviously, you can't love another before um until you start loving yourself at least. Um and that will deepen as well. And the final one?

SPEAKER_02: 23:32

Is just keep coming back to love. Have that intention, you know, and have that in your communication with each other as well. And um and you'll sense that with each other. So um, so yeah, that's our that's our what is it again, babe? Seven things that we learn about love as relationship coaches.

SPEAKER_00: 23:50

So inspired from my weekends hens party.

SPEAKER_02: 23:53

Yeah. Was it a wild hens?

SPEAKER_00: 23:55

No, it was not wild, but it was fun. It was so fun, such full of connection and friendships and sisterhood and um yeah, beautiful time. But yeah, we do have uh this intake of the reconnected union is full and we have our waiting list open for our May intake. That's our next one, which is our 12-week online small group program. Um so if you're interested in that, you can just drop us a message. Um, we also have our couples connection retreat coming up on the 18th of April. And I think we've only got one or two spots left for that. We've already um yeah, got a crew booked in on the one day retreat here in the beautiful Agnes Water. So if any of those things interest you, or if you just want some more help or some questions, we do have a bunch of free resources on our website, and you can check out all the details there.

SPEAKER_02: 24:40

Beautiful. Thanks for listening, folks, and we'll catch you on the next podcast.