How to Bring Up Couples Coaching Without Starting a Fight

Want to ask your partner about couples coaching but worry it’ll blow up into an argument or get met with a cold brick wall? We get it. When a relationship already feels tense or disconnected, even a well-meant suggestion can land like criticism, and the moment you say “we need help”, your partner may hear “you’re the problem”.

We unpack why this topic triggers so much resistance and what’s really going on underneath it: fear of failing, fear of being blamed, fear of being exposed, and the very real urge to preserve whatever peace is left. We also talk about the avoidant pattern many couples get stuck in, where one person minimises the problem, compares to “worse” relationships, or promises to “try harder” without a strategy. If you’ve been searching for relationship coaching, couples coaching, communication help, or a healthier alternative to traditional marriage counselling, this is a practical roadmap.

Then we get specific: when not to raise it (never mid-fight, never as an ultimatum), how to regulate your nervous system so you don’t come in hot, and the exact kind of “I feel” and “we” language that invites teamwork instead of defensiveness. We show you how to explain why it matters, share your vision for the relationship, and add real ownership for your part so your partner can soften and stay in the room. We also cover what to do if they need time to process, and how to handle common objections around time, money, and “we should fix this ourselves”.

If your partner still won’t engage, we’ll point you toward the next best step: begin your own work, shift what you can control, and build safety so repair becomes possible. If this helps, subscribe, share it with someone who needs it, and leave us a review so more couples can find the support they’ve been avoiding.

Example Prompts for bringing up the conversation: "I feel like we're disconnected and have been for a long time - I'm scared that we won't be able to improve our communication and connection on our own. I'd like to talk about exploring getting some help."

IT TAKES TWO BUT IT STARTS WITH YOU -  2-NIGHT ONLINE WORKSHOP FOR THE PARTNER WHO’S WILLING TO LEAD THE CHANGE — WITHOUT LOSING THEMSELVES.
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Transcript

Welcome And The Big Question

SPEAKER_01 0:09

We're Michael and Amy, your couples connection coaches. Our mission is to help couples thrive using a conscious and holistic approach. This podcast is for couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs, and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

SPEAKER_00 0:37

Welcome everyone to Thrive Again Your Relationship Podcast. You're here with Michael, and I'm here with my beautiful wife, Amy.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

Welcome everyone, another episode. Today's episode is a really short and sharp episode. And I feel like we probably should have done this one of the first episodes that we've done because it's such a common question that we get asked and we see in many relationships. And we're going to address is how to bring up the conversation about couples coaching with your partner without it leading to any sort of arguments or fights.

SPEAKER_00 1:13

Yep. So what we're going to do is we're going to pull apart the reasons as to why this happens, why there's barriers, why there's pitfalls in this, and perhaps even why there's fear, uh, maybe for you, you know, in bringing this up as well. Uh, and then we're going to move into some really practical, easy solutions for for you guys so that you can yeah, really, really bring this up in a conscious way and hopefully get a really solid outcome, one that doesn't end in conflict or disconnect.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Yeah. Yeah, I guess um it's tricky, I think, rela like stepping into relationship coaching for some couples because there is a bunch of different reasons why they might feel it's challenging, but there's two people, like it's so so different. Like if I'm making a choice for myself, then you know, to do some coaching or do some, I don't know, do a course, then it's easy. I've just got myself to choose. But when it's two of you stepping into committing to um doing some coaching or some deeper work in the relationship, there needs to be both of you on board. So it does it does make it a little bit more challenging. So I hope this episode brings some more empowerment and understanding that you're not alone if you're this is you, and some really simple ways. So, what are some of the reasons then, I guess, babe, of why yeah, why p why they people struggle to come to um relationship coaching?

SPEAKER_00 2:38

I think because sometimes we just want to preserve what peace there is now, and often couples that that are seeking help have already gotten to this point where their communication is broken down, they're not able to be super vulnerable with each other anymore. So the language and the tone and the body language is is they're probably not used to an open dialogue or conversation that's going to lead to a healthy outcome. So that's probably one of the reasons. Uh and we don't want to hurt our partner, right? We don't want to hurt them. And so sometimes there's actually care in there that's preventing um the you know the thing that we actually need.

SPEAKER_01 3:21

Yeah, yeah. And I think there's like you said, I think you mentioned fear. There is there is a lot of fear about oh, what's this gonna mean? What's this gonna you know be like? Um, I think there's assumptions of of this means we're failing, we we surely we should be able to get better at this by ourselves. Um, and then it leads to this this kind of space of um stagnation, I suppose. No one's really moving forward because they're they're stuck in their own fear.

SPEAKER_00 3:49

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And and I know like I I guess I talk to a lot of men, and sometimes men don't actually see that the problem's as big as it really is. Um, because typically speaking, men can be often more avoidant than women as well. So there's almost like this, ah, she'll be right kind of approach, and yeah, I can just um we'll get through this. We're just going through this particular patch, we're not as bad as other the other couple up the street, they're always yelling. So, yeah, there's like this comparison thing as well that comes through which justifies our okayness, right? Like our our situation right now.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

Yeah, yes, absolutely. I think that's a common one we see in many couples that come through. And and I think there's also like there's this this fear of um being exposed, like one person's like, Oh, you're just gonna get me there, and I'll be you know exposed as the bad guy or the bad girl, and I why would I want to do that? And yeah, but that is definitely not what Michael and I do. Um, yeah, we're we're so much more about proactivity and moving forward in a really healthy way, um, and we certainly don't call out the bad guy, but yeah, I think that's definitely a reasonable fear that people have.

SPEAKER_00 5:02

Yeah, for sure. And I just want to add in here that there's assumptions also from a lot of people that have been uh exposed to traditional marriage counselling that we're just gonna wade through old stories and get stuck in resentment and circle around and then leave each session feeling heavier. Whereas actually the majority of people that we've worked with walk away after each session way more connected, way more lighter, um, more depth and vulnerability and more openness. So it actually enhances the relationship in most cases. So um, yeah, so let's let's get into a little bit about the story that might be running inside your partner's head when perhaps you're bringing this up, because I think that this is important to speak into the the inner narrative that might be coming up that that actually leads to uh defensiveness or like I said before, justifications, shut down, yes, shut down, um, more disconnect, yeah, these sorts of things.

SPEAKER_01 6:03

Yeah, I guess I uh we've heard a couple of stories like um uh you know from other couples that maybe there's that fear of I'm not good enough, like you know, um you're you know, I'm I'm not gonna be able to meet that standard or be able to be good enough. So it means that um, yeah, you're blaming me essentially could be a story. This is all my fault that we're here. Um so there's a lot of internal, maybe um unspoken stuff that goes through a partner's mind if you're approaching this subject. So it's also important to kind of bring some compassion into it as well, and that's why I guess our solution on how to approach this is important because um we don't want them to feel those those things or that way.

SPEAKER_00 6:46

Yeah, yeah, for sure. And there's yeah, like like when things are in crisis, sometimes I know for for for us men, like we just divert into this. Oh, we should be able to do this alone, you know, we should be able to do this ourselves, this this independent sort of approach, but then there's no strategy there, there's no knowing of how to do this, and then we fall into our same cycle again.

SPEAKER_01 7:08

Yeah, yeah. And let's be honest, like I say this a lot, so I feel like I'm repeating it again, and I may have already said it on a podcast, but there's not a whole bunch of um training or education or uh information out there on how to have a healthy relationship. So most of the times where it's the blind leading the blind, we're trying to figure this out alone. So it's I I would love for people to see it like a different light that actually relationship coaching is not admitting that you're failing and having all these issues, it's actually learning how to be better and have a deeply healthy and happy relationship. But yeah, I can see how the other side happens too.

How Not To Bring It Up

SPEAKER_00 7:48

Yeah, cool. So let's just let's have a look now at how you're gonna do this, right? Like how we're actually gonna bring this up.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

Can we ask how we're not gonna bring it up first?

SPEAKER_00 7:57

That's a good idea. Let's do that.

SPEAKER_01 7:59

Yeah, yeah. So I guess the worst way to bring this up is what we have also heard, and that is um often because you're at the end of your tether and you're just desperate to uh for things to change, you're probably sick of the same um patterns and the the old rinse and repeat, and here we go again, around and around, the same arguments, and you're probably um often in the space of like frustration and annoyance, and there is a time when when you might just shout out, We need to go and see someone, we we're you know, this is not gonna change, we really need help. Um, and when your partner's probably in that heated conflict, it's not going to help. It's really going to probably rub them up the wrong way. Um, so when emotions are high, when you're in the middle of a fight, um is not the time to bring up this conversation.

SPEAKER_00 8:53

Yeah, or as an ultimatum. Yeah. You know, just just saying, well, it's it's either we do this or I'm done. That's really that that's sort of really encroaching on um overpowering and domineering and and using leverage, which we don't we definitely don't advocate for.

SPEAKER_01 9:12

Yeah, yeah, 100%. And I think that um I also just want to touch on here that if you're listening to this, I really encourage you to reach out to your partner sooner rather than later if you're feeling that. Because if you're getting to that point of it being an ultimatum, like we have to do this or we're done, then often it's so much harder to bring a relationship back into this deep love and connection when you're at that point. So if you're intuitively, you know, feeling a little disconnected, maybe it's been for like some time and you notice nothing's changing, and you're just like, oh gosh, I really want some help. That's the time to speak up about it. Not when you're in crisis, not when you're at the breaking point and you just can't tolerate it anymore. Um, yeah. So this is a message to reach out sooner rather than later.

SPEAKER_00 10:02

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 10:03

Yeah, is that it?

Regulate Yourself Before You Ask

SPEAKER_00 10:04

Cool. Sounds good. Yeah. All right, so let's bring you the solution and a way to approach this. Now, nothing's ever completely 100% foolproof. Reason is because we're each of us are programmed and conditioned to when we receive information, we then make meaning of that information. And if defensiveness is a key part of somebody's quote unquote strategy to keep themselves squeaky clean, then yeah, you you might get initial defensiveness, you might get a brick wall, you might get rejection, you might get avoidance, you might get shutdown. So I I just want to say that this is not the only way, um, but it's based on research and it definitely a lot to do with the Gottman Institute's principles that are well researched. And I want to start with the energy, right? Like, what should you be focusing on when you're bringing this up? First thing is your own nervous system. Um, and I haven't written this in our notes, but I just it just come up to mind is like check yourself first before you're coming in. Because if you are heightened in any way, if you feel like you're stressed or really um triggered, anxious, like then that's not the energy to be coming in with. Like maybe a mild level of anxiety and and and a little bit of fear is normal, right? Like nervousness, yes, like of course, like you're bringing something up that's impacting both of you, and you don't want to hurt your partner, all these things that's normal. But if you're coming in hot, for example, and yeah, there's anger in there or there's something really fired up, not right now. So, you know, we teach nervous system regulation, um, use some breathing, um, meditation, uh, maybe go for a walk, whatever you need to do to get yourself settled first. So that's the first thing. From there, I want you to think about the the team language like this. Is a we thing, this is an us thing, right? This is our problem. This is not like something that you need to fix, right? It's all about hey, I want us to grow, I want us to get better. It's not you need to sort this out, it's not um because um of the the time that you cheated on me, now we're in this situation and we have to fix it. No, like that's not going to be helpful. There's gonna be more likelihood of um of defensiveness, right?

SPEAKER_01 12:25

Yeah, yeah, spot on. I think you gave an example, a really good one, and I wrote it down. So I think this could be the type of um language that you could model, uh, and maybe we can put this in the show notes, but it could go something like, I feel like we're disconnected or we've been disconnected for a long time, and I s I'm scared that we won't be able to get better on our own. I'd love it if we could get some support in helping our relationship. Something alike those lines. You're coming from the eye, it's like I'm what what you're feeling, like I'm experiencing this. Uh, I would really love it if we could. Um, and then explain the importance. I think that's a key one as well. Why is it important? It's important to me because I would love us to have a really long lasting healthy relationship where we're growing old together, you know, and we've got grandkids, and you know, I don't want us to be stuck in these same cycles that we're in at the moment. That kind of that kind of uh language is going to be so much more helpful and beneficial, and your partner will more than likely be able to kind of take it in and and process it as opposed to kind of the um often the defensiveness that it's met with.

SPEAKER_00 13:41

Yeah, perfectly said. But there's an extra thing that I want to mention which will really help this. So let's just say you know, you've you've spoken into that. Hey, I I I I'm really noticing that. Um Yeah, I know that we've we're both feeling really lonely in this relationship, and I'd love it if we could just reconnect again. I think that we'd you know we'd benefit from some support so we can kind of understand each other more. So you've said that, but then maybe adding on some level of ownership or responsibility for your part in this is going to really help with that too, because then it just shows that you're willing to look at yourself, you're looking to take responsibility. So it might be something like, Hey, and I know that you know, like I've been super frustrated and pent up in recent times, and it's led to me brilliant being really short with you, and my language and even my behaviour has been really not great. So I want to get better. That's also what this is about.

Team Language And Real Ownership

SPEAKER_01 14:34

Yeah, yeah, because that helps the other partner to drop their guard and kind of maybe help them to kind of peer into their own patterns and their behaviour in the relationship too. Because I remember that when you and I do that, it it helps a lot because it's like, oh, okay, well, maybe I can kind of soften a little here. I don't need to be so protective. Yeah. Yeah, it's a really good point. So lead and lead with your own lead ownership, you know, take some accountability and responsibility for your part in that too. Um so I also want to dive into like, yeah, you know, if everything was perfect and you had it all your way, then yeah, of course, the next the response would be great, let's what's what do we do next? Let's go. Um, but sometimes, and unfortunately more than sometimes, um, it's not always met with such openness from some partners, some partners, yes. But so if it's not uncommon for you to maybe get met with a little bit of resistance or maybe even defensiveness, even after you've approached the situation like this. So I want to just remind you that it's not uncommon. Um, but there is some really um simple objections that may come from this type of conversation, and it's like, shouldn't we be able to fix this by ourselves? I'll just try harder, I'll put in more effort, I'll change. And and uh that they are good in the short term, but you might see that it's going to repeat anyway. Or it might even be like, oh, we don't have time for that, the you know, we're too busy, or even maybe it's an objection around money. We don't have any money to do anything like that. So they're the the the logic logical, practical objections that come very quickly uh after these types of conversations, and they are normal. So I want to just pre-warn you that that may happen.

SPEAKER_00 16:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:25

Yeah. Is there anything else that we want to share there, babe?

SPEAKER_00 16:28

No, I don't think so.

SPEAKER_01 16:30

I I just think um Oh, the other point I think is there, you just remembered that we were talking about earlier is um one partner could actually be quite surprised.

SPEAKER_00 16:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:38

It could become as a shock to them that there's even a problem. And they're like Michael mentioned earlier, the more avoidant type that don't see uh or feel uh really what's going on that well in a relationship. So yeah, if it does come as a shock and a surprise to your partner, I feel like the most important thing for them is to um give them space and allow them to kind of process the information that you've just shared.

SPEAKER_00 17:07

Yeah, and also just speak to them around the desire for for information as to how long they need because you know to leave you open for days, which becomes weeks, which becomes months, is often what happens as well until you guys get to crisis again, um, and then it's even worse for you and your immune system and your overall happiness. So so yeah, just you know, hey, can can I get a reference or an idea on how long you think you need to take? Like, do you need the weekend? Um, will Monday be good for us to re-revisit this? Is that enough time for you? Yeah, yeah. So that way we're we're just kind of we're not pinning them down, but we're just we're just having some accountability.

Handling Pushback Without Forcing

SPEAKER_01 17:47

So if you're in the situation where your partners still won't engage, still not interested, then it's really important to know that you can't force anyone. Um of course you can really try again um in a gentle, soft way and and express your needs really clearly and calmly, explain why it's important, why it matters. And I feel like this is the key takeaway for those people in the relationships is begin your own work, begin your own journey on what it what you would like to see improving in yourself because often uh it takes two, but it starts with you. And we've got a uh a program because there is many people in this situation that get stuck and get to this point. Um, so yeah, do you want to share a little bit more about what what that is?

SPEAKER_00 18:40

Yeah, so we re we've run a two-night online workshop for the partner who's willing to lead the change without losing themselves, and in this exact scenario as well, where just like you know what, like I need to honour myself here and I need to get better at communicating, I need to get better at my own emotional regulation. It's like taking ownership on on my part, and and then using that as a new level or a new a new base layer to sort of either approach this topic or remember who you were before this disconnect kind of happened. So, yeah, you're gonna basically learn through this workshop how to reclaim your piece, communicate without triggering defenses, and just shift that dynamic by working on the only part that you can control, which is you. So we've got that on our uh website, it's$27 only. Um, we've had some amazing feedback. Um, you'll also get a 22-page workshop, uh workbook. Um, and yeah, it's all about reflect like in there, there's a lot of reflection opportunities, there's integration tools, it's packed with exercises and prompts and and practices to help you put these into your life. So, yeah, if you are interested in that, we'll drop that in the show notes. Um, it's only 27 bucks.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

Um, yeah, could be a good place to start. Hey, yeah, for sure. And we've had, like you said, there's many couples, you're not alone if you get to that point and you're still feeling that resistance from your partner, but this is a great place to start. I also want to point out something that we've uh often share with other couples in this position is another good introduction or inroad if your partner's very uh new to all of this type of work or um maybe a little unsure about what to expect, or they're they're hesitant about who are Michael and Amy and why would I want to get help from them. And a good place to start is our podcast. Obviously, here you're listening to it now. But if you wanted to share a few episodes with your partner, um that helps your partner to understand a little bit more about us and maybe not um create so much uh uncertainty by you know creating some familiarity by listening to who we are and how we work. And I think the other one is um we often have free events, um, whether it's on our Michael and Amy Facebook page, we're going live there every Thursday for April, so you might want to jump in there or keep an eye out on our other um Zoom free online workshops.

SPEAKER_00 21:07

Perfect. Hopefully that's been helpful for everyone listening. And um make sure you get in touch if you need some help or any guidance, and um we can see if we can help you out.

Shutdown, Safety, And Faster Repair

SPEAKER_01 21:16

Yeah, thank you so much for listening. Have a great afternoon or day. Craving and what we've talked about before is like being a little bit more of um yeah, of the the role reversal where the man is the leader, the man is the the king of the relationship. So um we have to also take our our part in helping them to step up into that more. Yeah, and these are some of the ways.

SPEAKER_00 21:41

Uh number four is stay connected to your body. So this is for him because we've got to remember shutdown is a protection mechanism, it is a nervous system response. So this is why I practice this with men in as part of our brotherhood that we run. Um, it's all about embodiment, it's breathing slower. Feeling your body, um, experiencing your breath and honing in on that, staying present, even though there's chaos out there. And the more that we can sink into regular embodiment practices, the more that we have awareness on our own nervous system and the state that it's continually moving into.

SPEAKER_01 22:21

Yeah, and helps him to stay in the room and not disappear, yeah, in that uncomfortableness. The last one is creating safety after conflict or rupture. You know, it's not about never shutting down, it's about repairing faster, and we've talked about this before, right? Like, um I think you know, the the dynamic of when men shut down, it's actually him owning that part, taking responsibility and saying, I I I shut down before, but I do want to understand you. You know, this might this might be later, obviously. It's not right in the moment. Um, and and I guess that's really important for the the partner, the female, to kind of receive that without punishing him, you know. It's like, oh yeah, about about time he came back, you buddy, uh, or whatever that is, but just actually congratul like uh not congratulating, but um encouraging him to recognize that part of him that's probably shutting down because of protection, and saying, Hey, thanks, thanks so much for coming back and and um repairing that because it helps to build that trust, right? Trust and and connection.

Support Options And Closing

SPEAKER_00 23:33

Yep, for sure. So I hope that's given you some clarity, and it probably makes sense and probably lands for you guys if this is a dynamic in your relationship, so you know what the solution is, right? Men don't learn to stay open because they're told to, they learn to stay open because it becomes safe enough to try. So if there's a safety established, and this is why couples come to us, because we can help them to change the pattern through safety. So we become the surrogate safety net, and the couple is able to start practicing open relating, right? Where they're able to safely and consciously communicate to each other truth and for it to land safely so that each of you can feel heard, feel seen, be acknowledged, not be criticized, constantly knocked on the head, and you guys spiral into further resentment. So it does sometimes take guidance, and if you feel like you're stuck in this dynamic and you don't know really how to get out of it, and maybe maybe you have a go at these and you just see if you can shift these things. But if you feel that you're stuck, make sure you sing out because we can offer you a clarity call to give you some strategy into helping with this, and that's what we do day in, day out. So, you know, it is our expertise, we've been through it ourselves.

SPEAKER_01 24:58

Um, I think I've got a few free resources as well. Um, so yeah, I can always flick you something to have a bit more of a read to to shift this. But I think it'd be good to do a an episode of on the opposite. Maybe we can do next time. Our next episode might be like five things that men do to make feel women feel unsafe.

SPEAKER_00 25:17

Without realizing. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:19

Without realizing it. So that could be a good one. So maybe stay tuned and we'll share that in our next episode.

SPEAKER_00 25:26

All right. Thanks for listening, folks, and we'll catch you on the next podcast.