A Conscious Relationship Starts With Choosing Yourself: With Sara Fiordi & Mark Mack

The fastest way to reveal your unhealed patterns isn’t another self-help book, it’s getting close to someone you love. We’re Michael and Amy, and we’re joined by somatic and identity coach Sarah Fiordi and her partner Mark, a somatic coach for men, to pull apart the idea of the relationship being a mirror and make it real for everyday couples.

We talk about what a conscious relationship actually is: two individuals committing to themselves first, not as a selfish move, but as the foundation for a safer, more intimate partnership. Sarah shares how she began noticing the link between nervous system regulation, relationship dynamics, and even success and visibility in business. Mark adds the other side of the coin: freeze, shutdown, disconnection, and how conscious leadership starts with returning to the body.

You’ll hear practical tools for when the spark disappears and the triggers take over, including “the pause” (space to regulate, not a break-up), the SEW method (Sensation, Emotion, Want), and why creating a “void window” can help rewire old evidence of danger into new evidence of safety. We also get honest about the messy part: what happens when one partner grows faster, how criticism can be a nervous system response, and how trust and surrender become the next layer of healing.

If you’re searching for conscious relating, somatic coaching, nervous system healing, and real strategies for conflict repair, this one will meet you where you are. Subscribe, share this with your partner, and leave a review so more people can build relationships that help them thrive.

Find Mark & Sara here:
https://teamunfiltered.com/
Instagram: 
Sara: https://www.instagram.com/_sarafiordi?igsh=M2c0ZWwwa2ppMWM5
Mark: https://www.instagram.com/markmack_?igsh=MXh5dW9wenZ0d3I5

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Website: https://michaelandamy.com.au/

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Transcript

Welcome And Meet The Guests

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Today we have two special guests pulling apart the concept of the relationship being a mirror. It's a deep dive into prioritizing self while in relationship, but for the intention of creating a conscious partnership. For anyone who hasn't heard of this, buckle up. Sarah Fiordi is a somatic and identity coach based in WA who works with overfunctioning women recovering from coercive control, emotional manipulation, and toxic relationship dynamics. Her body-based approach focuses on awareness, nervous system healing, and identity shift to help women become deeply grounded and unshakable. Mark Mark, her partner, is a somatic coach supporting men who struggle with freeze, shutdown and disconnection from self. Through breath work, nervous system regulation, inner child healing and identity work, he helps men to reconnect with themselves and step into a more conscious leadership. So together, Sarah and Mark work with couples and individuals navigating trauma, identity, and conscious relationships, bringing both the masculine and feminine perspective to healing and growth. Let's get into it.

SPEAKER_01 1:20

We're Michael and Amy, your couple's connection coaches. Our mission is to help couples thrive using a conscious and holistic approach. This podcast is for couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs, and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

SPEAKER_02 1:48

Alright, Sarah and Mark. So wonderful to have you on our podcast. We've got another couple. And today we're going to crack open a really deep, interesting topic that a lot of the time we haven't really gone into too deeply. So I'm really, really excited about exploring this with another conscious couple. And before we do that, Sara and Martha, I'd love to hear from you.

From Business Blocks To Relationship Patterns

SPEAKER_02 2:20

Uh, how did you get into this kind of work in relationships and nervous systems and all the beautiful, amazing stuff that you are offering?

SPEAKER_00 2:28

Hello, everyone, and thank you, Michael and Emmy, to invite us here. Very excited because same for us, actually. We don't really have many conversations with conscious couples. So I'm very actually excited for this podcast and be able to talk about this topic, which I believe is very important for the direction we are taking. So for Mark and I, we got into this work because for myself especially, I started to work with entrepreneurs in my early coaching career. And you know, I was teaching them business and marketing, I was teaching all of that. And then some of them were kicking off the business, making sales, growing the business, and everything was going fine. And it was a part of my client, same strategy, same kind of support, same, everything was the same, but they couldn't do it. They couldn't actually see results. So I started to look into that and say, what's going on here? What it is that stopped those entrepreneurs to actually move and scale their businesses, even if I'm teaching the same thing. What is going on in there? So I started to dive deeper into that. Also, in my personal journey, I was able to grow my business until a certain income, and then I was stuck again. And you might wonder, what does business have to do with this and with relationship? I ask myself the same question: what has to do relationship and nervous system with business? And then I realized that actually has to do everything. Because the way that we are in a relationship and the kind of relationship we attract and the pattern that we keep repeating, it does basically tell us where we are at with our nervous system. So I started to dive into that and I started to ask a question to my client: How is your relationship going? Oh, a disaster. Like I'm not happy, uh, I'm not receiving what I want, I'm overfunctioning, my partner doesn't lead. So I started to see a pattern. And then I looked into my relationship as well at that time, and I was actually experiencing the same. And that's when I started to get very fascinated about relationship and learning how the way that we are responding into a romantic relationship or relationship in general, it does tell us where we are at with our body, with our nervous system, with our trigger, with our healing. And that does affect everything else: abundance, money, success, visibility in business. So that's how I got into this work through my own coaching experience, which is I don't do business um anymore now. I moved into this, but that's how everything started for me because I'm very like curious. I get very curious about um why things are not working for that person. I I get very, very fascinated by, and and I can see like how every person, every nervous system is different because, of course, every story is different. So from there I discovered the nervous system and relationship. And then, of course, I met Mark.

SPEAKER_03 5:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:24

And before meeting Mark, I was like repeating the same relationship. I was attracting the same partner. And I'm sure that maybe some of your listeners can relate with this. I was constantly doing the work, and then wow, I'm attracting the same person. What is going on? Why I keep repeating the same? And then that's when I learned that it was me. I was vibrating at a certain frequency because my nervous sensor was still stuck in survival because of my childhood trauma and everything that I experienced. So I started to learn about changing my frequency, working on my nervous system, and that's how I attracted Mark. And together we became um a conscious couple. Do you want to share the story

Intention Setting And The Italy Connection

SPEAKER_00 6:10

of how we started the conscious relationship, which was in my fly from Italy? Do you want to share that? Yeah, that's a pretty crazy story. Maybe you can keep going from here.

SPEAKER_03 6:17

Let's hear it. Yeah, I love it. Hello, everyone. It's Mark. And yeah, something that happened. I mean, even when Sarah and I first connected, we first connected. Basically, Sarah was in a business and marketing coach. Yes. And I was in this experience, I was in this group with Dr. Benjamin Hardy, he's an organizational psychologist, and it was like a bunch of 500 entrepreneurs in this group, and he's really good at asking these specific questions. And I got this question asked to me of like, you know, what's the next thing? What do you need to get to that next level that you're looking for? And I realized, like, for me at that stage where I was at, I was in my own business. Like, I'd come out of become being an awakening coach. I was an awakening coach for a couple of years, um, and then I was stepping more into transitioning more into like life coaching or just sort of finding my way along the way. And I had this realization of like, I need to put myself out there, I need more like sales and marketing. I was very relaxed around that area. I wasn't really conscious of that. I was just sort of, you know, attracting the right people and things like that, but not actually doing the work of like specifics. And so I realized like, yeah, I want to have a sales marketing coach. And that's when I actually reached out to Sarah because Sarah was just like in my worlds. I'd actually had Sarah on my podcast back in 2021 or whenever it was.

SPEAKER_00 7:24

That's how we met.

SPEAKER_03 7:24

Yeah, so we sort of first met. And yeah, I reached out to her and she actually became my my coach. Yeah. And so there was a while there for six or so months where she was coaching me through business and things, and but a half and randomly.

SPEAKER_00 7:36

I'm telling you, you need to be consistent, you need to sell. Why are you not selling? And even with him, it was very interesting because even with him, I actually saw it that how the relationship was actually stopping him to grow. And that's when I started also to look into men. How does this because I used to work with a lot of women, and Mark was actually one of my second or third men clients, and I noticed the same. I started to not see the same issue, but with the different nervous system response. So I was keep putting things together. So you actually helped me in that.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

You're a case study.

SPEAKER_03 8:14

Yeah. And so, and yeah, and so we had that relationship there as just as like client coach. And then later on, I was going through an experience where I was going through a lot of pain in my personal experience, and I reached a point where like basically I got down on my hands and knees and prayed to God. And I said, basically, like if I want to experience, you know, the other side of what I was going through, I want to actually experience the pleasure side instead of all this pain. And I basically set an intention out there and I and I said, I want to meet someone on the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual level. And that's literally like when Sarah came into my world again. Like she'd already been in my world, but we're on like a different sort of like uh frequency at that stage. Like I could see her, but I couldn't meet her where she was at. And the same for me because we were going through different journeys. Yeah. And so after I set that intention and that came out, then all of a sudden, like we connected. Like Sara was finishing up her business. She was like, Perth is too small for me. I need to get out of here. And she's flying across the world to Italy. And on her second day in Italy, she just gets this feeling like inside of her of like just to reach out to me. And she reached out to me and said, Hey, like, do you feel like something more than you know, just like a normal connection? And I felt into myself and I just felt like, yeah, actually, like I do feel like a connection. And as soon as that happened, it's like the gateway just opened, like the floodgates of just like this insane connection where we like we're messaging each other every day.

SPEAKER_00 9:37

And like a little teenager. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:40

And we could feel like um just this. I whatever I was feeling, she was messaging me saying, Hey, are you feeling this? I'm like, Yes. Like so, just this insane, beautiful connection, which I've never experienced in my life in my previous relationships um or anything. And from that, we developed like this beautiful connection for four months, like literally just connecting, you know, via on the phone on WhatsApp. And there was a stage, I think it was when you're flying back home. Yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:05

I was flying from Italy after four months to Perth because I had to come back because Perth was my home and I had to finish a few things. And also I wanted to see him and actually move this connection in person instead of constantly by phone, which was platonic and beautiful. To get to know each other really, really well. Um, and then I met this person on the fly, which was really destiny, and it was asking me a question about relationships. He said, Sarah how your relationship is going? I feel intuitively to ask you those questions. And I say, Yeah, I'm really finding my way through because I had a lot of relationships that were not satisfying for me, and it was not really what I look I was looking for. I know I'm looking for something, but

Defining A Conscious Relationship

SPEAKER_00 10:50

I can't name it. I don't know if it does even exist. So by talking, he said, You're looking for a conscious relationship. And I say, hi, what is this? And that's how my conscious relationship journey started. And I actually shared it with him, and he said, Let's do it. Like, I love this. I I love the idea of the concept of um, do you guys want to already go in into this?

SPEAKER_02 11:11

We're here now, and I think it's perfect. And maybe I can just ask the question is that like there was a decision that you guys obviously made, and and Sara, you just almost proposed that to Mark, like for this union that you guys were creating. So tell me what a conscious relationship is, and so that the listeners can get an understanding, and then of course, yeah, just share how that went for you guys.

SPEAKER_03 11:39

I want to respond to it and also mention that the fact that this conversation happened when Sarah was flying home, she sat next to this guy on two different flights. Yeah. Um odds of that actually happening because the first flight that she did, like to wherever Dubai or Dah or whatever, like there wasn't a really a conversation, but it was on the second flight where they sat next to each other, where he said, Okay, it looks like we're meant to have this conversation or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 12:04

I learned it for the first time what a conscious relationship is, and it was actually exactly where I was I was looking for, but because it's pretty unconventional and it's getting more normalized now, the more the couples are understanding that it doesn't work in the other way, and this is actually give you satisfaction long term and the sparkle, you know, you keep the sparkle alive, but a conscious relationship is really two individuals deciding to commit to themselves. I'm committing to become the best version of myself, no matter what. And that is the conscious partnership. So we both commit to ourselves first, and the goal is not a marriage or having children, the goal is becoming the best version of ourself along this relationship, and then of course, the marriage and the children or business or whatever become the byproduct of this conscious partnership. So you want to add more.

SPEAKER_03 13:04

Absolutely. So, yeah, if you focus on I am choosing to be the best version of myself, I'm gonna work on my stuff, I'm gonna own my stuff, and I'm gonna take and the stuff is like all the stuff that's happened to you throughout your conditioning, your childhood, the traumas, all of like the um the ways that you respond, uh, your nervous system, all of this stuff. Like I take full ownership of my stuff and responsibility of that. And then I have a partner who's in the same mindset, going through that same experience, and then we come together and we say, How can we actually collaborate? How can we, you know, share our goals, interests, our values? And from a perspective of, yep, I'm doing the stuff, I'm working on myself, you're doing your stuff, working on yourself. How can we do that together?

SPEAKER_02 13:48

Yeah. Beautiful. How do you do that when there's clearly going to be needs that aren't going to be met, when you're going to be disappointed by your partner, where they're going to forget about, I don't know, like calling you when you expected them to, or these unmet expectations that obviously happen in relationship. So I because I'm just thinking sometimes, like we'll get the we'll get listeners that drop into this and they're like, This sounds great. Let's do this, because it sounds like a beautiful, amazing, enriching experience. But is it was it for you guys? Is it that easy to just make that decision?

When Disappointment Reveals Old Wounds

SPEAKER_00 14:30

No, no, I think it was. I think like I really want, and I love that you asked that question, Michael, because I think it's important to be transparent uh also when we're sharing stuff, because it's very easy to show the final product, but the messy part is real and is there. So to get to the point, and we're still working on this, it's constantly working, we haven't arrived at all. Um, I will say that the first few years has been really difficult because we both, when we started to be together and we started to do a conscious relationship, all the triggers, all the wounds, all the annealed stuff started to come up. Because exactly like you say, what happened when your partner might disappoint you because maybe something doesn't happen, right? In the way that you want it to happen. That's when you start to see my wound of not being seen, which comes from my childhood. So, in those moments, what Mark and I do, which is what we share with our client, and our client don't like it at the start. They actually don't like it at all. But then they started to do it and they see the benefit of it and they start to embrace it and actually craving it. Mark and I take a pause in those moments, which is not like a breakup, no, absolutely not. It's just a pause, which means that we are in that moment, we're taking a break. Like I'm focusing on myself, is focusing on himself, and then we reconnect. Sometimes it's a few hours, sometimes it's a day, sometimes it's a couple of days, sometimes it has been a week, where we face all of those wounds and we look into ourselves, and then we come back and we say, Okay, this is what I need from our relationship. This is what I need more. But it doesn't come from a place of a wounded space, it comes from me on him actually looking into ourselves first. So when we have this conversation, it's not like it's a fault, you're always doing this, you have done that. No, it comes from a place that particular experience triggered this in me because this is what did happen to me. Now that I face it, that I felt it, that I'm more grounded, I really would love to explore more in depth how can we date differently, or how can we spend more quality time together, whatever it might be, the issue that the couple does have. But it it does it still happen. So we still ask to each other what we need, but it comes from a different place, not from a wounded place, from a grounded place. If that happens, if I did answer your question, if there is anything you want to add to it.

SPEAKER_03 17:05

Absolutely. I think what happened, like when we're first together, a lot of it was like we're almost trying to co-regulate in those moments and just getting stuck into that cycle where my wounds, like my little inner child, I got this um masculine wound, and then Sarah's got the feminine wound. And so as soon as we come together and like we trigger each other, we just trigger each other more. And then the other I I sort of shut down and suppress and avoid and numb, and then Sarah goes into overfunctioning and you know, trying to sort out the answers and plan and things. But the more we do that, the more we're just triggering each other. Correct. So at the start of it, it was very messy. Um, but what we learned from our experience and now we'll coach our clients is is really just like taking space for yourself, like and just being honest, like, hey, this is happening right now. And a real good acronym that helped us as well is like so SEW, the way that you can actually have these conversations with your partner, and the S is like the sensation. So, like if you're in a if you're in a com a conversation and you don't want it to be a heated argument, you can focus on the so technique, which is S is sensation. So, like, hey, right now I'm feeling the sensation, like I'm feeling like a punch in my stomach or um my throat is really closing up or something. And then the E is the emotional side of it, like I can feel anxious right now as well. Feeling a punch in my stomach, feeling my throat's throat's closing up, I'm feeling anxious. And then W, like, what do what do I want? Or or what do you need? What do you want right now? So, like right now, I'm feeling this. This is happening inside of me, which means like it's something that you can't really argue with because you can't argue with your partner feeling a certain way. You can't argue. I gave it a go. Yeah, in trust it didn't work out so well.

SPEAKER_00 18:42

You sometimes make me angry still, so yeah, yeah,

The SEW Method For Conflict

SPEAKER_00 18:45

exactly.

SPEAKER_03 18:46

But it's sort of taking away the confrontation because it's personal, it's a personal experience. You can't really take away someone's personal experience, and then the W, like, what do I want? What do I need? Like, right now I need a space. I just need to deal with myself so I can actually see what's coming up. Um, and that's a great way that helped us as well to create.

SPEAKER_00 19:03

That's we try a lot of things, and honestly, we try so many things, and we had got to the point of we know that we are committed to become the best version of our ourselves, and that was always our ankle. Like sometimes Mark was asking me, is this the version of you that you want to become? And when he asked me that question, it makes me already got triggered me. Like, and I feel like, no, that's not who I want to become. Or I do the same to him. Is this actually the man that you want to become? No. So we know who we are becoming, where we are going, and we can't we keep that as an end code. So it's not even us like Mark or Sarah, it's who we're becoming. That is the goal, and it always has been the goal. And when we get triggered, which is as you guys probably already know, and your audience already know, those are wounds that come in, and it's nothing to do with the other person, and that is the challenge, and that it's the challenge because we try the other person to make us feel better. And actually, the other person cannot make us feel better. We are the ones that need to make us feel better. So we learned that through talking in the moment when the trigger is activated, it just created damage in the relationship. We lost the sparkle, we got distance with each other. I started to feel that it was the reason why I was feeling in the way. It started to think that I was the reason why I was feeling in the way. So we actually created more damage in the relationship by taking space. I think like we are not fighting uh right like that anymore now. Like the fight, it rarely happens. And when it happens is because of course, sometimes we we fight as a couple for um things that it, you know, it's healthy to fight because no, like being angry, it's not normal and it's not, you know, uh it shouldn't be like that. But we don't do it from a wounded place. So we regulate first and then we come back, and then might be a conversation and a conflict is still happening, but it's different because it's not my inner child and it's not his inner child. It's just really Mark and Sarah fighting because we really are not matching who we want to be. And then sometimes I tell him, I can't be with this version of you because this version of you cannot come with me where I am going, or reverse. And that's when the transformation happened because the other person got inspired to um work, work on themselves and say, okay, she's going in there, she's choosing her path. I better chop top and I better do something about it. And that's when we get the fire back and the sparkle back and the passion back because we choosing ourselves. So how many times we um which because the pause is really to the pause, it's really to regulate and face yourself. And then when you come back, you basically, when I come back to Mark, when you come back to me, I already made my decision. I already decided that I want to go into that direction. I already decided that this is where I wanna be, and I don't want let I don't wanna let my wound affect me anymore to where I'm going. So when I reconnect with Mark, I already decided. So if he does decide to go with me or not, I actually that I never I don't know. I never know until I actually have a conversation with him and until I actually see him growing or reverse obviously. He seems see me growing. So it's it's a very different relationship. And we understand that. And it was very hard for us as well at the start. It's a lot of ego dying doing dynamic because sometimes we want the other partner to give us what we need, right? I want to give me that because I don't have it. And that sometimes it's challenging even for us obviously it's getting better now because we practice this for a very long time but that still I still get it sometimes. I sit like ah I'm not getting what I want. And then you know and why I feel in this way why I feel like that I'm not getting what I want and of course we have standard and I think every couple needs to create their own um what this is look like. Like a conscious relationship is very personal. There is not a framework for it. Every couple decides the rules decide how it looks like for us that's how um we decided to create it for ourselves and we notice that for so many of our client works as well having this break and this pose to regulate first and then reconnect. And usually the that's when the magic actually really happens because you you know that you know the trigger you know your wound and you know who you're choosing to be so you can come back to your partner say okay this is the full package this is where I go now and then the other person can get inspired and say wow I want to go there I also want to grow I also want to change this about myself and that's how Mark get activated all the time when I actually choose myself as a woman. Yeah and it's that that's what I want to be yeah and you come in with me fine you don't I'm still choosing myself I'm still choosing that and that's how you get very activated.

SPEAKER_03 24:06

Which is the same for you like you're activated when I'm actually choosing myself it turns Sarah on. When I'm being my old self it actually repels her. So it's a beautiful relationship to be in.

SPEAKER_00 24:16

Yeah totally like when he's the he's old pattern and he chooses the old yeah I I'm not attracted to him my intimacy like you know the desire to be together yeah it's completely down for me.

SPEAKER_03 24:30

Which works well for us for the conscious relationship.

SPEAKER_01 24:33

Completely down don't feel attracted absolutely not attracted so yeah I love this I love I love the um the awareness I think is is like I'm just thinking about our audience and stuff it is it's hard right it's hard to understand your own triggers it's hard to have the awareness of of you know what you need as well like I'm thinking I'm like oh if I if we shared that some with some of our clients we have a different kind of strategy that we use but if we shared some of that some of those clients just like I don't know what I need you know so that in itself in um having a conscious relationship is a really beautiful key to keep looking within keep understanding keep going back to like what is happening here and and um I guess that pause I haven't heard that before but I actually quite like the the opportunity to pause but then I can see that that could also um be quite challenging and I'm sure it was for you guys as well like at the beginning like okay so what do I do now? Like what do what what what's what can what is this and and that in itself that process that you must take yourself through in that pause must be

How To Use The Pause Safely

SPEAKER_01 25:40

quite yeah a challenging but also in depth so is there is there times where I guess in the pauses that you guys have had you know issues or challenges in that space and not really sure how to move forward or what to do or do you have anything there for the listeners that they might be able to help them in that in that time?

SPEAKER_00 25:58

The the pause is very challenging um especially if you have self-abandonment issue um wound for me was like I was completely like feeling a lot of pain in those poses and mark as well and for me it was feeling like I'm abandoned which it was my inner child that felt that obviously so it was very challenging to do not come back together straight away and processing everything together. That was the biggest challenge. So stay in the pose alone and actually face it what was was coming up because as as a human being we are very powerful. When you giving yourself a space you don't need who knows what if you sit down within yourself and you journal about it or you voice it out or you sit in meditation clarity comes. We are very powerful as a human to really find our own answer. And for me my nervous that's when the nervous system comes in and thank you Amy to ask this question because I think is for me at the start it was very challenging to sit with myself like alone with nobody and not co-regulating with Mark and actually go to him and say oh this is how I feel this is what's going on and try to find answer in him and that's when the nervous system comes in that is a nervous system as well dysregulation like not be able to sit down with ourselves alone for a certain period of time without interacting with someone else especially with our partner and and that's when I learn it about nervous system regulations. So I need to actually learn this that's what the missing piece is about because it's not just becoming aware of it of the pattern it's how do I change them? How do I actually now change my need of constant reassurance by my partner because that's what I was looking in Mark. I was looking to constantly be reassurance knowing that he was there knowing that he loved me and all of those things that I think a lot of people can experience because of childhood trauma or any sort of conditioning. And that's when the nervous system comes handy. That's when I started to do a lot of somatic work breath work and simply like some somatic exercise with my body learning about my overfunctioning so I learned that for me stillness was a threat. So being by myself in a room it was like the worst things I have happened to me at the start because I I was losing control. I couldn't do anything I just needed to feel and I remember the first time for me was what does even mean what does even mean like what does it mean I need to feel I feel what and it was very hard and the nervous system comes on board because your nervous system is going to feel under danger like being by yourself in a pose without someone else if you are in overfunctioning feels like I'm losing control. Losing control feel like something is about to happen to me. And your body truly feels that even if your mind you know you are safe you know nothing is happening your body doesn't know that you are safe. So that's when the nervous system regulation needs to come in that is that's what we do with our client like we just don't put them in a pause and that's it. We just help them regulating and do the nervous system work it's absolutely essential without that part it's going to be very hard quite I would say impossible because one might be in overfunctioning the other one might be in shutdown meaning is the other person's going to avoid basically to take action to do anything and it's going to be in the loop of avoiding avoidance shutdown. So the pause at that point becomes just a nightmare and not actually productive because the person cannot actually face themselves if they make that there is anything you want to add on this.

SPEAKER_03 29:52

I think um yeah I think just like from trial and error in our experience like at the start obviously it was very difficult and we realized all of these things along the way understanding our own patterns like for me definitely it was it was a shutdown survival and a disassociation and then for Sarah obviously the oh functioning yeah we're trying to do things but I think what we've learned is really to to ground ourselves first and foremost when you take that space like find out whatever grounding means for you could be putting your feet on the bare feet on the grass um there's little techniques like 54321 like so name five things that you can see uh four things you can smell here things like that and what that does is it really just brings you out of here because a lot of the times when we're uh when our nervous system's rep triggered we're out of the body we're like out here we could be in our minds uh you know over functioning overthinking overanalyzing trying to solve everything we're in our minds but we're not in our bodies or you know me disassociation I'm out of here completely I'm out in the atmosphere you know just go I've left my body I say goodbye um so me coming back into the body grounding regulating whether that is breath work whatever it is from there you can make a play uh make a decision or really just observe yourself from a place of clarity as opposed from you know survival so I think that was the biggest thing that shifted for us in those in those moments and and really like uh I would say also creating this sort of void because the pause become a pose from the relationship because when you are dysregulated nothing can happen in there and you probably guys already know that communication is not happening in there.

SPEAKER_00 31:26

It's the impossible because the we are triggered so we do not we are reactive when we are reactive and nothing good can come from being reactive even in business or anything that we do when we are activated I love to say activated instead of triggered when we are activated we have to pause because from that place we just create even more activation. So we learn that first first like through our experience that when we are very activated we have to take a break and take a pause but also in that pose we create a window which is we call it the void window where basically you give to your nervous system the possibility to rewrite instead

The Void Window And New Evidence

SPEAKER_00 32:10

of keep going in survival you give the possibility to your nervous system to recreate new evidence that you are not in danger anymore that you don't have to live like that anymore. And that void is essential to give to your brain some new evidence because our brain goes with evidence. So if you have the always the same evidence that every single time that you speak up you get abused for example that's where your brain register. So your body says we already have been here let's not go there. So we have to also bring the mind into it to make sure that the the brain starts to think like okay we have a lot of evidence that when I'm resting or I'm taking a pause with my relationship actually I'm not losing my partner it's okay. Like I'm it it doesn't happen again because maybe it happened in the past so that void gives the nervous system this incredible possibility to rewrite it. And of course it's challenging of course it requires a little bit of support honestly like you can't do this alone and I'm very honest you need support you need someone guiding you through this phase to be able to ground to do the exercise to have the tools the support to to rewrite your nervous system it's it's it's a it's a process. It doesn't happen overnight and I think what really helped us as well it was a decision. We decided first then we wanted to change this we really made that decision and we commit to it like when you commit with the relationship you decide I'm gonna be with this person and I'm deciding to make it work. I'm deciding to to face the challenges I'm not gonna run away the first time something doesn't work even with the business how many times we recommit with the business and even when we have days like I want to quit this this is too hard but we keep recommitting to it and finding solution and move forward. So we made a decision and we say we want this to change we want to break our wounds and our survival pattern and we want this relationship to be in this way. So that helped us to go through those challenges as well because we decided that that's what we want. I think it's very important as well because I found with clients sometimes have you decided what have you decided what you want like have you decided to commit to this because if you're not committing to this we are not going anywhere.

SPEAKER_02 34:32

That has to happen the decision with both partners has to happen at the start really like a sort of ceremony like I'm committing to myself I'm committing to really change this and then the relationship will flourish um from from there with of course challenges and a messy part in them yeah yeah it's beautiful guys it's so nice the way that you can describe how this works for you two and I particularly love the structure in there as in there must have been an agreement that both of you made early on when you chose conscious relating as the path ahead and you've gone okay if we're going to do this then we're each going to choose ourselves this is like radical responsibility this is a big big shift in terms of a frame of thinking from how society paints the picture of what a relationship should look like because society like you said oh yeah we get married then we have kids then we do a house together and then we do it in the reverse order and then it's like oh I didn't think it was supposed to feel like this because now we've got disconnection we don't have any agreement we don't have any structure we don't the the lines are blurred and all of our old wounds are now getting mixed into it and we both are now you know sort of against each other but from the outset by choosing self first then how I understand it is you get to map where you want to go and who you're becoming as you say and what a what a liberating experience that could be for everyone on the planet if we're doing that and our partner's not fulfilling our needs so to speak so that we can feel okay momentarily but still have a void inside still have an aspect of ourself that's not free yet yet we're we're kind of just co-regulating each other to stay and maintain survival and maintain a functional relationship if you like so in a way you're both committed to healing yourself at the deepest level and this is where I what I love is this radical responsibility and just going I'm taking care of me and I want you to be alongside me on that process and I want us to enhance our experience through that together. That's really the powerful thing that I'm getting from what you're sharing and it's it's also the path that Amy and I are on and I love some of the things that you've spoken about like practical things that you can do like SEW you

Commitment Frameworks That Keep Love Alive

SPEAKER_02 37:20

know I love that you know the sensations and the emotions then what do I need and what do you need like it's a framework.

SPEAKER_01 37:27

Like it's it's it's you love frameworks.

SPEAKER_02 37:30

Maybe I do maybe I've learned to love frameworks because I know I know myself that actually freedom is a high value for me. So I don't really enjoy confinement and that's how I might have perceived that in the past but now I know that this is directly challenging the part of me that has also caused conflict in our relationship that also wants to escape that also wants to run away and have my own sovereignty so yeah it is interesting.

SPEAKER_00 37:57

I love this I love how you frame it um Michael I like how you describe it very powerful co co uh co-regulating with our survival pattern I love that because that will happen in most relationships and so many people are not even aware of it. I certainly wasn't aware of it before starting this cautious relationship with Mark but that's what we do the majority of the time we try to co-regulate in survival and we're not going anywhere like with that you you it's just created this a vicious cycle that never ends never ends and it's actually not healthy it's pretty toxic and I had that experience in my past absolutely mark and I had that experience when we met the first time and we say how can we how can we do this? Like how can we actually live a relationship like that? This is not a relationship is really keep feeding into the same pattern and try to survive what we should we actually shouldn't survive. We should try we should live our life without those patterns so I love how you put it together um describe it really really well will actually happen in many relationships without even knowing that. Yeah and sorry it's all about the frameworks and planning and the structure but I I also know that there are some people with especially overfunctioning with an overfunctioning issue this is can help them to feel safe a little bit to go through this process of pause and void. So the framework helped to create a sort of safety and also for the one that shut down and things like that they feel very overwhelmed they need a little bit of a framework our client always says can I have a visual can I can I see something visual with the steps with what I need to do.

SPEAKER_02 39:47

So when I get triggered I just open it I just open it what do I need to do because in those moments you don't remember you do not remember so we learned it that we didn't have anything and it wasn't working because we needed some steps to guide us doing so yeah yeah framework sometimes are uh essential yeah not yeah there's there's a lot of lot of guesswork that sort of just happens for most couples where they just think oh they're just kept just doing it on the fly so yeah you're right like when we're triggered and heightened like to have a visual to have a reference point actually we're just activated in the in the primitive reptilian brain so we're not going to think logically so let's just try and bring as much logic in and simplicity as possible in those crazy moments right yeah it's a choice as well it's always a choice like choosing to to this is the trigger I'm not gonna feed it today I'm going to through the process of doing this it's a choice again it it's a choice the in the individual have to make and sometimes I choose I don't choose it sometimes Mark don't choose it sometimes we get triggered and we and all the things happen we are human and it still happened but I found myself that when I choose it which is committing to myself I basically choose myself in those moments when I say I'm not gonna feed the trigger today.

SPEAKER_00 41:14

I'm choosing myself when I don't I'm choosing my older self so it's actually not what I'm here to do. So it's it's that's how we love to see it.

SPEAKER_01 41:24

I mean you want to see something yeah I can clearly see how you can just keep like that can just keep you really anchored into just showing up the best you can all the time like yeah you've got this commitment and I guess I had a question um at that that's that we were going to bring up but it's kind of answered it in already what you've shared. It's like what do you think helps couples evolve together rather than grow apart but I think this conscious relationship and partnership is this continual growth together you know like it's just never ending essentially like Michael and I have been together for 20 years and you know it hasn't always been conscious let me tell you that but I guess for the last probably eight to ten years we've been on this journey but yeah I feel like there's just this we we don't grow apart because it's this evolving uh relationship that continues to to do this because we we work with lots of couples in that roommate phase you know and I can see that that's also part of the I mean there's so many reasons why it's part of the problem but I can see the core or the root of it underneath is the fact that they haven't I guess evolved they're not chosen to evolve and to to be conscious and to look at themselves because if they do do that then that it's never ending. That's like a the there's no need to answer that question because of the the the way that you show up in relationship I suppose.

SPEAKER_00 42:44

Yeah I I love I love that I love I love that I mean the the roommate uh phase that's that's basically stunnancy and just have to grow he means the growth needs to happen to remove a little bit and shuffle things around and that's why Mark and I constantly feel like wow this is a honeymoon again we get to each other again and we in love again and we recommit. Every single time we get out of those poles it's basically we just recommitted to each other again.

SPEAKER_03 43:13

Okay let's take him from here now and then of course the next challenge happens the next breakdown happens and we do the same process again and hence yeah and definitely like with this like conscious relationship what I what I've noticed with affliance and with us it's like it does take two yes you know to consciously choose this and it's very difficult uh for one to want to grow and have this experience and the other one to stay the s where they are it's very difficult you know and that could mean sometimes that maybe the relationship's not right or it could mean sometimes it's going to take a moment for that person just to wake up and then choose that as well. It's really it's really does take two to come together to actually consciously have this experience.

SPEAKER_00 43:53

Well well you said like it's I think at the artist sometimes the conscious relationship it's when one person grows Faster and the other one needs a little bit more time because you know maybe that person needs more work or because they haven't choose fully themselves because

Trust Surrender And Healthy Leadership

SPEAKER_00 44:10

of trauma, conditioning, whatever happens, right? I think that is the hardest moment for us. It's when one of us grows faster and the other one doesn't is the toughest uh time to be in because the other one is growing. So of course, you want the other one to come with you and speed up the process. And that's when I personally, mostly me, I learn to accept and meet Mark where he's at and trusting, trusting that he's gonna make it and that goes beyond my power. It's more like a trusting God, trusting that God will be in this trend to do it, and me surrendering, which is for my nervous system, has been like a battlefield surrender today as an overfunctioning woman. But that's what I'm learning more, and I think this is more recent. Surrendering and say, I trust you. I trust you that you're gonna make it. I know that you're gonna go make it on the other side and give him fully trust and believing in him. And I think this is another layer that can be unfolded in a relationship, trusting your partner that is going to do it.

SPEAKER_02 45:19

It's massive, it's so big what you're talking about here, uh, and that patience, you know, that's also probably needed, you know, in those times, but also the language, and I I feel like um um language and also energy behind the words, actually, more so the energy behind the words um is is in my in my experience what was needed. Um, because if Amy was criticizing me because I just was towing the line, or you know, I'm going like you already know that pattern in you, yet you still did it again, right? So it doesn't mean that I'm healed because I did it well last time, but for her to kind of like see the moments where I'm attempting to do it right, or where I am um, you know, just just doing it in my way, but it's not necessarily her way, but it's still moving forward uh for her to to experience her acceptance through that allows me to step into leadership, and that that's definitely been the story for us. And I think it seems to me like for you guys, that was a similar journey.

SPEAKER_00 46:32

Exactly this. I was Emmy criticizing him, but it's something like I I love that you bring in this because this is where the nervous system comes in, because Emmy criticizing you, me, criticizing Mark, and so many other women that can relate with me and Emmy is a nervous system response. Because as overfunctioning women, we don't feel safe into surrendering when we are not in charge of things. When things happen differently than we think is the way, is just create a big unsafety in the body. Like I'm about to something's about to happen to me, I'm in danger, I can't allow that. So that is the nervous system, and that's the work that I had to do with myself again, facing this and realizing Sarah, you're not in danger. Sarah, create a safety for yourself, not because Mark or whatever. And even in sales and marketing is the same principle, literally leading, right? And trusting that your client is gonna click on the link and buy without you babysitting them around. It's the same, right? We do it with kids. You guys have kids, Mark has three kids. Sometimes you have to just let it go, right? You know, don't try to micromanage everything. But for a nervous system that it's completely in overfunctioning, it's very hard to do that. Not because the woman doesn't maybe, or the man, because that can be the man overfunctioning, doesn't trust the other person, is the nervous system doesn't trust it. So it's hard for the body to think with the mind. Maybe Emmy wants to do that, or I wanted to do that, but the body couldn't allow that because it was completely feeling unsafety. My unsafety was like in every part of my body. Like I can't, I can't allow this. Something is gonna happen to me. And for the other person, you shut down, it does shut down. The moment I do that, the other person shut down, and I don't I didn't give him the space to actually lead and step up in his masculine. I was actually taking away this experience from him with not intentionally, but there was a nervous system response. So that's when the nervous system needs to come in exactly for this dynamic. Otherwise, the overfunctioning woman can't do that. It's just like I can't, and the man cannot step up neither because he feels attacked uh and criticize it, which is send him into shutdown straight away.

SPEAKER_02 48:53

Like a failure, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 48:54

Like a failure, especially here in the language, like if you hear it, like you know, you always do this or you never do that, things like that, straight away. That just turns off like as a man, just shuts you down, and you you can't actually respond. Like for me, I go to the survival or disassociate, I just like zone out. But that's another thing just to be aware of, which is why I brought up that um example of when you're expressing your experience of like the so technique of like, because that is it takes away the confrontation, it takes personal, and so it's actually like this is what I'm going through, this is what I'm experiencing, this is what I need, and that that can avoid then you know us having those experiences where confrontation, the little little arguments like that, which can lead to a lot bigger things.

SPEAKER_00 49:33

Yeah, that's that's a powerful point that you guys touched. Because I think I saw a content of you, Amy, talking about this. About like it's not that she it was about the woman say she doesn't trust you, that's why she doesn't surrender. And and that's such a powerful topic because it's a work that needs to happen together, because it's two different nervous systems, and for the woman to surrender and the men to lead is true nervous system that need work at the same time. Because the men need to step up, the men crave that, and women we crave to surrender, we crave to be in the feminine and creative flow, be northering, and we we want that, we crave that it does exhaust us their path, like managing everything, planning everything, deciding everything makes women absolutely dry and exhausted and non-full of receiving and actually giving as well to the men, the nourishing part. So it's nice big uh part of our our work as well. Definitely we had the same uh uh for sure.

SPEAKER_01 50:36

Many couples, I'm sure, experienced that.

SPEAKER_02 50:39

Yeah, yeah, 100%. And um, yeah, we could go on for so long, and I really just I wanted to yeah, I wanted to thank both of you for for just sharing an insight into your journey and how far you guys have come and the decision and the commitment

How To Connect With Sarah And Mark

SPEAKER_02 50:55

that you made, because I think now that's set you guys up to serve humanity in a way that's it's something bigger than just the two of you, right? Like now there's this light that is emanating beautiful wisdom, you know, out to your clients, out to the world, and it's through lived experience and it's not through perfection. And that's the part that I think is really uh we wanna we want to get clear is that out of all four of us, I know I'm speaking for you guys, but it's not about perfecting, it's not about making sure you're turning up absolutely squeaky clean every time. In fact, it's probably more about being messy and owning that messiness and and revealing that in a healthy way and then coming back to self again. And that's what I love. I just love how, yeah, we've we've met you guys and you're on the same sort of path. And uh, and I want to ask you if our listeners wanted to connect with you specifically, how could they get in touch or maybe find you on socials?

unknown 51:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:58

They can find us so with our name, like Sarah Fiodia Mike Mac, on social media. We are in the flat form, TikTok, and Instagram, and we have our website, teamunfiltered.com, where they can have a sense of basically all the work that we do and who we are, and a little bit more in depth about that.

SPEAKER_01 52:18

Awesome. We can always put those in the show notes as well. So we'll um yeah, but it's been such an honor to to chat with you. Thank you for yeah coming on, and um yeah, I love what you're doing.

SPEAKER_00 52:29

Same as you guys. Lily, thank you for this conversation. You're a very powerful couple, and we're very in alignment with the journey. So I love to see a conscious couple, then very refreshing. Yeah. To have this kind of conversation with another couple that does this work. It's beautiful to see. Yeah, thank you.