When Criticism Is Really A Cry For Softness

A throwaway comment can turn into daggers in seconds and then you are both standing there thinking, how did we get here? We’re Michael and Amy, couples connection coaches, and we’re pulling back the curtain on a pattern we see all the time: one partner (often during PMS, perimenopause, or a low-capacity week) snaps or criticises, the other partner braces, defends, or shuts down, and suddenly you’re miles apart.

We talk through a real client-style scenario and our own lived experience of hormonal fog, emotional outbursts, and that deep need to feel supported, safe, and protected. We unpack what’s really happening under the criticism, why men often default to logic and “fixing”, and how the nervous system drives the speed of defensiveness. You’ll hear why softness can be genuinely hard for men, especially when they were raised with “man up” messaging that pushed the lover and nurturer into the shadows.

Then we get practical. We share language that helps you name the moment before it explodes, ways to come alongside instead of going head-on, and a simple question that can change the whole conversation: do you want to be heard, do you want a hug, or do you want help? We also explain how couples slide into coexisting and logistics-only chats, and why a fast reset is possible when you change a few communication patterns, including through our one-day Couples Connection Retreats (Agnes Water, Sunshine Coast, and more).

If this dynamic feels familiar, hit play, try one tool this week, and tell us what shifted. Subscribe so you don’t miss the next conversation, share this with a mate or your partner, and leave a review to help more couples find their way back to connection.

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Transcript

Welcome And What We Do

SPEAKER_00 0:09

We're Michael and Amy, your couples connection coaches. Our mission is to help couples thrive using a conscious and holistic approach. This podcast is for couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs, and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving. Welcome everyone to another episode of Thrive Again, your relationship podcast. I'm here again with my beautiful husband sitting next to me. And today we wanted to share a little bit about a recent um couple that we've been working with and a scenario that they were experiencing, which is very similar to something that we have experienced and still sometimes do. So I'm sure there are other couples out there that probably um experience a version of this as well.

SPEAKER_02 1:07

Yeah, so let's paint the

When Hormones Spark Conflict

SPEAKER_02 1:10

picture, shall we? We shall. Maybe you should start.

SPEAKER_00 1:13

Alright. So I think um this particular couple has been seeing us for a little while, they've built a lot of trust and safety with us, but they came uh into the session with uh a problem that they had recently had, and it was um also um triggered from I believe like um our hormones and a stage in our life that um we are at, and I'm gonna say we because I'm in this perimenopausal stage and um I experience ups and downs with my cycles as well. So um that was similar. And she wasn't feeling heard in her relationship, and it was coming out as maybe her partner was seeing it as being maybe rude, maybe um he was seeing it as being a bit abrupt and harsh and out of nowhere. That's what he was saying. It's like it just came out of nowhere. Um and sometimes, unfortunately, us women do have these emotional outbursts that do come out of nowhere, and I'm not justifying it or saying that it's okay, but um for me in our relationship, those behaviours came out when I felt like I was I'm not connected to you, I don't feel like um I'm able to feel vulnerable or open up to you, and therefore it comes out in a behavior that I don't like in myself, which could be short, reactive, um critici criticizing you, or you know, upset.

SPEAKER_02 2:52

Right, so it comes from a place where you don't feel safe to be vulnerable because maybe in the past you've been vulnerable and been hurt or been dismissed or I've tried to fix it. So instead you have a shield or some sort of protective protective armor with which your words are spoken through, and then I would have received it as being oh like you can be such a bitch, you know, like you're always flinging things at me. It's like this um um yeah, like daggers being thrown, yeah, and and it's like where the hell did that come from? Yeah for me. Yeah, yeah, 100%.

SPEAKER_00 3:33

And I think this is exactly what the scenario that that was um this couple was experiencing, and there's many reasons why this got to this point, by the way, and we might kind of help you unpack, I guess, how to avoid this part. Um, but there's a lot of couples that come to us in this stage of um their relationship where there is um behaviors that are coming across that you wish you weren't doing. For me, like some things I say and some things I do I regret and wish I didn't do it, but it's so instinctual and so um fast, but when we peel it all back, it's actually coming from the my inability to feel safe enough and soften enough to actually c really communicate what's happening underneath

Why Men Get Defensive Fast

SPEAKER_00 4:25

that behavior of frustration, anger. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:30

Hmm. And on top of that, I know for most men, we want two things. Like we want a few things, but the main things that we ultimately want are happiness and peace. And definitely for most, all men just about just want peace. We just want peace. And so when there's turmoil or something that she's not happy with, then it triggers something in our nervous systems where we feel like that's that feels uncomfortable. So this is the first part. It's like, okay, she's now criticized me, that feels uncomfortable. What is the content in with in what she's delivering to me right now? So because we're logical beings, us men. So this is how I experience it anyway. You you you say something like I'm like all you ever do is look at your phone, that's you know, and and I'm I'm just like I'm just sick of it, right? You're never present with us, so there'll be this criticism that comes across, and for me, like straight away, I'll be on the back foot there, and I will look to defend or justify or start to kind of put blame in when you're doing the same thing. But what the key point here is that I'm focusing on the content that you have just delivered to me, so and there may be some truth in that, and maybe I can take some ownership in that, and maybe that's what you're needing at that time. But I think there's something else that you're really searching for under that.

SPEAKER_00 6:04

Yeah, absolutely there is, and I notice for me at this this pattern normally happens when I am premenstrual, like in that week leading up to my period, and I'm a bit more short and and don't have as much capacity, and actually I feels like I'm annoyed at the world, like everything's annoying me, not just you, but I seem to take it out on you, and that was the case in this other couple as well. But um, having this fear that I'm actually scared to tell you the truth of what I'm feeling and experiencing, and I have to just put on this brave, strong facade that I've got to continue through this week, power through, um, and I should be fine and I should be able to manage it because everyone else out there does, and there must be something wrong with me if I'm if I'm weak or I can't um you know deal with life in this this particular week of my cycle because it's all getting too much for me. So I harden uh my exterior and I actually deeply, deeply, deeply need to feel supported and safe and protected. But when it's met with defensiveness or criticism back or attacking me back, or then it just creates a whole heap of turmoil, and I shut down and don't do not want to be anywhere near you.

SPEAKER_02 7:33

Yeah, which makes me not want to be anywhere near you. And then we have our spikes out, and then our communications like patterns just f completely fall down, and then we're we're back being triggered by nervous systems and yeah, just looking to try to find some level of independence rather than connection because that seems safer.

SPEAKER_00 7:58

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a it's a pretty horrible time for me in during that period, like that week before my period, where I this behaviour often comes out the worst, because like I said before, I feel like I've got no control over that. And when you interpret it as if it's like an attacking you, and you get your back up, it it it it's like rubbing salt in into my wound, and it's like creating this horrible um feeling inside of me that I cannot trust you, like I cannot of course this is is this is in this position, and of course, you know, we're here because yeah, there's no way that I can

Naming The Real Need Underneath

SPEAKER_00 8:45

uh actually get my needs met from you, which is the actual opposite of what you're doing.

SPEAKER_02 8:50

Right. So when you say the needs, I can't get my needs met from you. Can you just reiterate what you need in those moments?

SPEAKER_00 8:58

Yeah, I think it's um the exact opposite. I think it's softness and curiosity, and helping me to get out of the fog a little bit of what I'm experiencing and how I'm behaving, um, and being beside me and not not like head on against me.

SPEAKER_02 9:20

Alright. So there's gonna be a lot of men that might be listening to this and going, okay, so it's up to me to stay grounded, um, to take on your attacks, you know, and the way that you criticize me, I should just be able to absorb that and then be soft with you. Like, is that true, or is there a like, you know, it does it does is this up to the man to kind of do all this?

SPEAKER_00 9:51

A little bit, yes. In that time.

SPEAKER_02 9:53

In that time it is.

SPEAKER_00 9:54

Yeah, actually it is, because yes and no, not a hundred percent, but I feel like it's important to understand that this is not coming from our normal place of behavior or mind or you know, like it's some it's it's it's clouded um by our hormones and our and our shortness and um and sometimes actually the very thing that we're craving is that is is if you're not able to give it to us, it's proving to ourselves, oh there you go. It's like this test that we're trying to do. It's like, do you love me? Do you do you really love me? And if if you did, then you would be there for me. You're not gonna turn it back around and you know, we start this conflict. You'd actually gonna be there and go, Yeah, babe, I'm here for you. How can I how what is this? What's happening for you? And and meet me with curiosity, um, particularly if you if this is out of sorts, you know what I mean? Like if this is like three weeks of the month I'm not like this, and one week of the month that I am, can you find enough curiosity to to sit with me and hear what is happening so then I can help that you can help me to get out of that fog and that haziness?

SPEAKER_02 11:11

If I'm at my best, then I might be able to, but I don't think it's all up to us. Yeah, I don't. I actually think there's a responsibility from you as well.

SPEAKER_00 11:22

You're not a woman, you don't experience hormones. How do you No, I'm not saying that.

SPEAKER_02 11:26

I'm actually saying I don't understand that, but I still feel like there's a responsibility for you to not just be unconsciously expecting that we just know that this is the exact time of the month, and everything that you say I should be treating with softness, and you know, like I think that that considering the pressures that we're under in life in general, I think that there's some things that you do and have learnt to do that helps me to um understand that we're there at the moment.

SPEAKER_00 11:58

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:00

Yeah, what would they be for you to actually convey information about that in the first place? So you you actually voicing I'm feeling angry at the world right now, or um, I'm really hormonal and I need some sensitivity like over these next coming days. Um I'm yeah, I'm not myself. I'd you know, like communication around just generally understand giving me an understanding that things that I might say or do are not necessarily going to be, you know, um in line with who I am normally. It just gives gives me a reference point, and if that's been conveyed to me, then I can have more of a chance to to sit back and actually not just buy into the content that you're flinging at me if it's criticism, I can actually kind of step back a little more and go, I wonder if this is what she was talking about. Is this not just a me thing? And actually, I asked you the other day, I think, um, yeah, I've noticed that you're a bit a bit off. Like, is that about anything in particular that I've done, or is it something else? And you said, It's just everything, which helped me. It's like, okay, cool. So you're just in a bad mood. Like, is there anything you need? So that straight away, like, if I'm asking you, is there anything that you need, or can I support you in some way? Is that the kind of energy that you're talking about?

SPEAKER_00 13:40

Yeah, yeah, that kind of energy, and then also just sometimes needing to help me to see that I'm in that as well.

SPEAKER_02 13:49

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:49

Because I I honestly, like sometimes I'm so deep in that that I can't even see out.

SPEAKER_02 13:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:57

So you you're asking me for some clarity and like sharing like what's happening, but sometimes I can't explain it. Sometimes it's so foggy in there that I'm just like, I don't know, I'm just everything's upsetting me, everything's annoying. I don't know, like but but I think you've done it to me in the past where you've actually helped me to to see that I'm in that. Coming up to me and maybe just placing your hands on my shoulders and and just gently, and you know, obviously the the tone and the the words are going to have so much impact when I'm so sensitive in those sorts of moments. So it has to be coming from the heart, you know, that gen um genuine desire to know what's happening. And and when you do that, it's like, hey, I see that you're not yourself at the moment. Is there anything that you need? You know, that actually helps me to soften that shield and drop the shield and go, you know what? Yeah, I'm not dealing with stuff. I'm not myself, I'm not in my best way. And I would love it if you could help out with dinner tonight and take the load off with decisions. Whatever that is that I'm feeling burdened with or overwhelmed with is going to be really helpful for me to then surrender into that a little bit more as opposed to fighting myself, because sometimes in my own head it's like a battle within myself as well.

SPEAKER_02 15:29

Yeah, right. So there's I want for you for me to help you to just ground yourself, so to find grounding. But then also there's a call out for me to be soft with you and to be caring with you and to be empathetic with you. Um, it's almost like this compassionate lover side of me that you're asking to see when sometimes you're maybe met with I don't know, maybe a firmness or a harshness or a hardness. You're you're you're wanting to see that loving aspect of me in that time, the comforter, the the carer, the nurturer. Yeah, is that right?

SPEAKER_00 16:14

100%. And it's like it's like I I'm testing you to see if that's possible for that side of you to come out. Like it and I know it's a silly game, and it no and I I know at the time, but it it's it's kind of testing like, do you care for me enough? Do you love me enough to be there for me? Um, and maybe there's some sort of childhood wounding there, or maybe there's something deeper, I don't know. But when you can meet me there and and I can feel heard that I'm not in this alone and I don't have to continue just putting my spikes out and just wading through the muck that I can just um completely let go.

SPEAKER_02 16:57

Okay. Yeah, hopefully this is

The Nervous System And Male Conditioning

SPEAKER_02 17:00

helping. Um, there's something I want to talk into with men and why men find this hard. Like why men find this hard because there's a nervous system at play, as I spoke about, when if you're receiving criticism, it's most likely that you're gonna move into defensiveness. That's just the facts. So sometimes it's hard to override that or to catch our own nervous system out in the moment. We're talking about within a second or two of the delivery of that. Can I notice that um actually what's needed here is for me to come in with some softness and some groundedness to really help her to come out of the fog rather than defending myself. But what's at play here is for a lot of men, they're brought up with uh through an environment, especially from their fathers, um, that is criticizing, that um doesn't uh validate them um emotionally, um, and therefore their own emotional state of being gets shoved away because they're told to wipe away their tears, they're told to kind of like man up, and so the lover archetype within the man, within the masculine, is pushed into the shadows. So because he sees this as being weak, because he's been criticized for crying or for being soft, then he would have pushed that away into the doldrums of his subconscious and not able to access the lover. I've I've witnessed this time in time out in men's work that I've don't do, and um, and so what she's asking for is for your softness, is for your love, is for your the the care that you maybe didn't receive as a boy, and maybe that also makes this an incredibly almost impossible task for a lot of men when they're conditioned to stay hardened, when they're conditioned to be the warrior, and that's it. So I think there's more complexities to this, and I'm saying this because I I have compassion for men, I have compassion for the weight that they carry, for the responsibility that they hold within life as the protector, as the provider, and to be under-acknowledged in that space gives less of a window of tolerance for criticism, gives less of a window of um opportunity for groundedness and presence and care in those moments. So that's just something I wanted to speak into because there's a lot of men that kind of feel like they never really are being acknowledged anyway, in the first place, and then when she's coming in with criticism, we're expected to kind of like be this person. Well, there might be some deeper things at play, yeah, which is why we look at this from a holistic point of view, it's why I often work with men to really help with this dynamic. Um, and for you to work with women, because women can be incredibly like criticizing

Advice Isn’t Always Care

SPEAKER_02 20:10

and harsh and short and firm and all those things too.

SPEAKER_00 20:14

Yeah, I think it's also important um to speak into. I think we've said this maybe before, I don't know if it's on a podcast, but men and women are so different, obviously, as we know, but men sometimes treat women like men, and you just expect that we should just be able to um you know move through things, get over things, or uh that our hormones are going to be exactly the same every day, all day, and why yesterday I can say this, but today I can't say this, and like there must be so much confusion for the men out there, and I absolutely feel empathy for them, but um understanding that the cycles and hormones that we go through create also different um experiences every day for a woman, you know. So if you're trying to treat your partner like a man, you know, your your woman like a man, then it's not gonna work, you know. Just get over it, like stop being such a bitch. Like, why are you doing that? You know, you shouldn't do that. Like that is definitely um going to create more conflict and more separation.

SPEAKER_02 21:22

Yeah, it doesn't even need to be that. It could be out of care that you offer advice, like it could be care out of care that that we we offer. Like, why don't you go and um you know talk to your friend like um Tracy because she's gone through a similar thing with her hormones? Like it's maybe coming from a helpful place, but actually what you're seeking is care and love and attentiveness and validation, but we're offering advice. So that's that comes in where it it could be helpful for you to be very clear about what you need when you're communicating to us. I I'd really love if you could just

The Heard Hug Help Question

SPEAKER_02 22:00

you know, just just hear me out here. There's nothing for you to do. I just really need to vent something. Or yeah, I really need your care and attentiveness right now. Here's what's going on for me.

SPEAKER_00 22:11

Isn't it what what what's your thing? Three H's?

SPEAKER_02 22:14

Hear you, help you, or um yeah, so so um do do you want to be heard? Um do you want a hug or do you want help? Do you want help? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:28

So heard, hug and help. Yeah. Yeah, they're really helpful questions, I think, for any guys listening. If you're asking your partner that when they're speaking to you, just if you're not sure, then that will clear anything up. And it actually helps us to go, actually, what do I want? Oh, I just want a hug. You know, whatever that might be. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:45

Yeah. Because men, we like we're so simple like like in terms of like if you just give us instructions, tell tell me what I'm supposed to be focusing on. Because we we, you know, we're sort of logical thinkers. So if you can give us instruction then it's going to really help us to focus on the thing that we need to focus on. Because that's what we're good at. We're good at focusing on one thing. We know that we're not good at multiple things because like we're hunters, we're warriors, we're you know we're we're honed in on the kill, on on the thing that we need to provide. And uh and so if you can give us direction that helps.

SPEAKER_00 23:25

And then on the opposite if you can hear us and you know feel like what we're experiencing then that can really help us as well as opposed to dismissing it or or feel or making us shameful about experiencing you know some of these behaviors

Breaking The Combat Loop

SPEAKER_00 23:40

sometimes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:41

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 23:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:42

Yeah and so if you guys get caught in a communication breakdown loop where it it's it's almost like there's combativeness as an undertone in how you communicate with each other. It's almost like you're you're both energetically got your arms crossed and communicating with each other. That's what it's like it's like I'm not even willing to kind of really deeply validate your experience because I'm also not getting my needs met. I'm also underacknowledged over here. So if that's you guys like that's in this day and age that is actually fairly normal. It's why we run a business it's actually what you know is for us like that's that's our job that's what we do full time because this is so prominent but I do want to say that there are pretty simple reasons as to why you got there in the first place and it may not be as complex as your mind thinks that it is and we've had couples that have worked with us for three months intensive work and they've come out the other side and their life has changed but there's some couples that have felt like it's not on a cliff edge but it's like they've lost each other and they can't connect through communication so they just play it safe now they just talk logistics they just talk you know the things that need to get done and we just kind of coexist under the one roof they're the people that can 100% have transformation through a one day experience and that's what I think I really wanted to talk about is the power of like the transformation that we've seen in some couples that just change a few communication patterns and some of those we've spoken about in this podcast.

SPEAKER_00 25:33

Yeah. And so yeah coming to join us at our one of our retreats that are coming up so our couples connection retreats are just one day dedicated to you and your partner where we take you through you know a series of different activities to help you really understand connect again. And uh yeah we've got one coming up in Agneswater and then another in the sunny coast and then again another one later in the year in Agnes Water again. So if you're interested we can pop all the details in there but yeah it's a quick and effective way of really shifting out of this um conflict style.

SPEAKER_02 26:08

Yeah yeah it's a beautiful day it's amazing we got heaps of surprises through it as well amazing food we cater to you know your dietary you know sort of requirements and everything but at the end most couples walk away feeling like man we're gonna do that every year like that is a total reset of our relationship and now I just feel like we're so connected again.

SPEAKER_00 26:28

So yeah we'd love to have you on it if you're interested um yeah it's applications only so you have to be the right match to come and join us and we um really uh look after those couples in that one day because we want the

Retreat Invite And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 26:40

transformation for them.

SPEAKER_02 26:42

Hopefully you got something out of that folks um yeah maybe send us a message if that was you like if that is what is happening for you guys at the moment we have heaps of tools and strategies that we can help you with too we've just I've just had a look at the bank of of strategies and stuff that we resources that we've got it is built up over the years. So um yes sing out and uh and yeah I'm sure that we can help you with something.

SPEAKER_00 27:06

Yeah thanks for listening.