She Doesn't Trust Your Intentions. She Trusts Your Patterns

If you’ve ever heard “I don’t feel safe with you” and felt completely lost because you’re genuinely trying, this conversation will land. We’re Michael and Amy, couples connection coaches, and we’re getting real about a relationship skill that isn’t glamorous but changes everything: consistency. Not perfection. Not big romantic gestures. The steady, visible follow-through that helps a woman’s nervous system relax and lets trust rebuild at a deep level.

We talk about why the feminine often trusts patterns more than intentions, and how unpredictability (even when it’s not malicious) can trigger anxious attachment, control, micromanaging, and that “I’ll just do it myself” shutdown. We also name the other side of the loop: when a man feels repulsed by the intensity, withdraws or gets passive-aggressive, and accidentally creates more insecurity and resentment. If you’ve been stuck in this cycle, you’re not broken, you’re caught in a pattern that can be interrupted.

We then get practical: what integrity looks like when words match actions, why a good week doesn’t equal real change, and how accountability softens conflict fast. We also share what the feminine can do that actually helps, including specific encouragement and clear examples of the behaviours that create safety, so it’s not a guessing game. We finish with how our 12-week programme, The Reconnected Union, supports couples to slow things down, uncover needs and values, and build consistency that lasts.

If this resonates, subscribe, share it with your partner, and leave a review so more couples can find this work. What’s one small promise you can follow through on this week?

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Transcript

Welcome And The Trust Gap

SPEAKER_00 0:10

We're Michael and Amy, your couples connection coaches. And our mission is to help couples thrive using a conscious and holistic approach. This podcast is for couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs, and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

Welcome to another episode of Thrive Again Your Relationship Podcast. You're joined with Michael and Amy today for another wonderful episode on all the things relationship. And today's episode is one that's personal for us, hey?

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 0:53

It is personal and continues to be.

SPEAKER_00 0:55

Yeah.

Consistency Creates Feminine Safety

SPEAKER_00 0:56

And many other couples that we work with too, right? Not just us.

SPEAKER_01 1:00

Yeah, so we're we're talking effectively around trust and how the feminine experiences trust. But it's through this one thing that is probably more important than I realized in a relationship and I'm still realizing, and that's consistency. And how consistency is one of the key uh needs of the feminine so that they can ultimately feel safe. So that's what we're diving into today, because I think that it's a a topic that's not really sexy and not often spoken about but we're here to bring it to light.

SPEAKER_00 1:42

Yeah, I think it's something that we actually um get asked a little bit in our sessions, and um it it can be quite confusing for men, right? Because, you know, though that question, or have you ever like thought why your partner says she doesn't feel safe with you, even though you're trying harder than ever? And I think I saw that last night in one of our sessions. You're like, you know, I'm trying my best and she still doesn't feel safe, but I don't know what, why, or how. And sometimes the the partner doesn't know that either, like because it's not um, you know, very clear to what creates and helps support that safety. So it's a really good topic to open up and get a little bit deeper into, so then it creates a little bit more awareness and understanding. And for me, anyway, it was a bit of a a bit of a light bulb moment when we um dove into this in our in our relationship and how important it was without me consciously realizing the importance of it. That makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

Yeah, it makes sense in in such a confusing topic because here's the thing like consistency is actually a healthy masculine attribute, and for a woman, actually she can be inconsistent. So it's gonna feel like it's one-sided at times in relationship, and I think that's where half the confusion comes in, is because like I don't see consistency in you because you might say and decide something one day, and then the next day you change your mind. So that becomes really confusing for us, and that we don't really know, like we feel like sometimes it's unfair. But I want to remind you that men and women are different, and it's not so much a tit for tat, and if you're doing it, then I should be doing it, and vice versa. It's more just understanding what the feminine in its entirety actually needs, because the feminine, in her essence, is free-flowing and moving and ever-changing, and the masculine is sort of like the the structure, you know, or the containment for the feminine, and containment requires consistent consistency, otherwise, she will feel safe, uh unsafe or constricted, um, or just feel like you're really leaky and she can't trust that your words align with your actions, and that just ties back to some other historical things which we'll go into. But yeah, that that is a confusing space, but I want to just get really clear that um if you if you're not consistent as a man, um i.e. if you if you're not in integrity um often, then there's perhaps some work to do there. Um and of course the feminine needs to you know be in integrity as well. But integrity is aligned with consistency, and if that's not present, then she's gonna sniff it out real fast. And over time, if that's not really change, if she doesn't see patterns changing, then she's going to disconnect.

SPEAKER_00 4:51

Yeah, I think it's it's um the small things that matter the most to us women, you know, it's not those big grand gestures um that you know you hear about or you see about on the movies and um, you know, which just sounds all romantic, you know, like the the big weekends away or a bunch of flowers, or that they're all like the cherry on the top or something or so. It's it's not going to help create that foundation where you have that um safety and that security. It's the sick it's the consistency, the small things that really help um build that solid foundation in a relationship, hey.

SPEAKER_01 5:31

Yeah. So here's the thing that I struggled with is I I thought that I just needed to get it right. I needed to be perfect, and that's probably not true, right? It's not about perfection. Consistency doesn't necessarily mean that I need to get it right every time.

SPEAKER_00 5:47

No, 100%.

SPEAKER_01 5:48

Yeah. Okay. So it's more just about what you say leads to the behaviour, and you can see that, which then helps you to feel trust, right?

SPEAKER_00 6:00

Yeah, 100%. It's those things that I can see evidence um that you're doing over time repetitively, um, that helps my nervous system to feel um more stable and more safe.

SPEAKER_01 6:15

Yeah, okay. And I guess I just wanted to to maybe like we're talking about patterns here and and that you know what you observe in me then helps you to open up to safety.

The Toxic Loop Of Inconsistency

SPEAKER_01 6:29

So let's just talk a little bit about my or our story, I guess, and and what was happening for us, like just really briefly.

SPEAKER_00 6:37

Yeah, I guess um that's what I was saying at the beginning, like this was hard to put my finger on because I couldn't really understand why or where my some of my patterns came from because it wasn't very conscious or something that's spoken about much in relationship or in in you know the community. But it was this um inconsistency and unpredictability of your behaviours that uh helped or well didn't help, it um led me to feel unsafe, which then kind of came out in behaviors that I didn't like in myself and you didn't like as well in in our relationship.

SPEAKER_01 7:15

Yeah, so it flowed on to yeah, turn the relationship into this toxic bubble where we weren't both being hurt and not really getting any level of love anymore. It was more just like you're not yeah, you're not hearing me and you're not meeting my needs, and and then all of a sudden it sort of went really downhill from there, right?

SPEAKER_00 7:34

Yeah, because I guess that in your nature generally, like I I guess I can imagining this like younger version of you before you you grow into this man is more free and flowing and spontaneous and unpredictable, and you know, like it was it that is in your essence of who you are, in you know, the the person and the soul that you are, but in relationship when that isn't um shown or isn't i you know it's also a positive aspect of you, but it's also a very um tricky aspect to have in a relationship when there isn't predictability, when there isn't consistency, when one minute you're here, next minute you're there, one minute you're saying you do this, but next minute you're showing me a different way, it creates this confusion and uncertainty, particularly I guess for me, because I was a little bit more um of an anxious attachment or insecure attachment in our relationship at the beginning, which yeah, but created behaviors that weren't healthy at all in our relationship and and actually created distance.

SPEAKER_01 8:43

Yeah. And when when you felt unsafe and and then you struggled with that unpredictability, and and maybe an example is just um yeah, just not really knowing um when I'm getting home, um, what I'm actually up to. Um, you know, I might have plans that I haven't spoken to you about, and then I've dropped them on you. What is that what what kind of behaviors that come out in you? Like what happens for you?

SPEAKER_00 9:09

Yeah, well, I guess um my set my security and my base isn't there, so I feel like I have to overcompensate by controlling to micromanaging to helping myself to feel safe, and that um I guess drops me into this independent woman, this, you know, I can do it myself. I I don't know what you're up to, so how can I rely on you? It shuts my feminine down and it sh and it drops me into the doing, the masculine, because I need to have that that safety.

SPEAKER_01 9:40

Yeah. And I I don't know, did did you were you consciously aware of that at the time, do you think? Yeah, not at all.

SPEAKER_00 9:46

No, that's what I was saying. It's a tricky one because I see many women who aren't conscious of it.

SPEAKER_01 9:51

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and so when when I I guess like flowing on from that, when I saw that you were acting in these ways, they would be repulsive to me. And I would feel like, oh god, here she goes again. She's the crazy woman.

SPEAKER_00 10:04

You're repulsive to me too. I didn't like myself doing that either.

SPEAKER_01 10:08

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 10:08

But and I couldn't understand why I needed to do that.

SPEAKER_01 10:11

Yep. Yeah, and then the avoidance in me just wanted to stay away from that fire and the spikes that you put out. So I would then retreat and yeah, just kind of like maybe have passive aggressive remarks and and uh, you know, as I huff on the way out or um or something like that, which would then obviously lead to more resentment between the two of us. So um I think it was important just to to really briefly map out how this can lead, like inconsistency in me, can lead to um behaviors in you that I am repulsed by, which then causes me to move away from you, which is the very thing that upsets you. Yeah. So you can see the cascade and how this unfolds.

SPEAKER_00 10:55

And then I've I've what I also see in um maybe I can't quite remember it's so much in our relationship, but I what I see in other relationships in this predicament, yeah, is that the the the man then tries his best to like the people pleaser comes out. Yeah. What do I need to do then? What will like show me I'll I'll do this better, I'll I'll I'll I'll be here to do the jobs more or I just over-apologize.

SPEAKER_01 11:18

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:19

Yeah, because they're not conscious of the the impact that the inconsistency and the unpredictability has on the foundation of the relationship. Whereas something simple could change and shift, and it could just be like like you know, like you said, showing up when you said you would, being there day in, day out,

Integrity, Accountability, And Real Change

SPEAKER_00 11:38

having that predictability and that stability to show that you are the container in the relationship, and that can really help the whole dynamic.

SPEAKER_01 11:47

Yeah, there's heaps of things coming to mind that I want to talk about. Uh one of those is that sometimes I I think it's it's really if it's not inherently part of of you as a man to communicate open, like really openly and consistent consistently, and what you say doesn't necessarily lead to um actions, then the relationship becomes a mirror to the areas where you perhaps need to level up in in terms of masculine leadership. And it might be just something like consistency now, and where we're talking about it might just be something that perhaps you've never really thought of or never really had to take ownership of. But I just invite you to check in with yourself now. If you're a man listening to this, and if you're a woman and you've got a partner, like is this something that you don't that you you you witness in your partner, or is it is it more just the intentions through the words that you're noticing within yourself or in your partner, but they're not really lined up with the actions because that that's that was true for me, and I didn't really know how to change that. Uh and so all I would know is to just say more words, so I would just give you more words and more promises that okay, I'll change, you know, I'll do it better next time. So some some of us think that it's just a conscious decision in the moment to uh like I'll communicate clearer and I'll be more consistent with you, and next time you'll see. So this is promise, but then if you continually do that and you're not meeting that promise, then you're actually letting it down even more. And so it actually takes some work on yourself. And here's the thing that most people don't realize is that men are normally only they only take responsibility or they're normally only confronted with their lack of integrity from their woman. No one else, no one else is holding you accountable like your mates aren't gonna. So, like if you've got real, real friends, they might they have to firstly see the pattern, see the impact, and then communicate it to you. That takes a lot of courage as well. So that's probably unlikely. You might watch it or listen to it in a podcast, but ultimately it's gonna be your woman who's gonna present this case that this is what I'm witnessing in you, and this is what I need to change, uh, or what what I'd love to see change in you. And then the work comes. This is why, like, I believe that men's work is really, really important because this is like where I got better in is just learning the impact of my actions or inactions. And so if no one's holding you accountable, then your words are just gonna be fickle and no positive changes are gonna take place. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:42

Yeah, 100%. I think the other thing that men get wrong is like what I've seen uh in uh couples that we work with is they're like, oh, they'll be really great for maybe a week or two, you know, they'll they'll show up more or they'll they'll they'll be there to you know do some grand gesture of dinner taking out for dinner or cooking dinner or and and it creates this false sense of safety, you know, and and that in itself it feels great in the moment, you're like, oh wow, it's really changing, but then the consistency's gone. And then the week after, oh, he's back to his old ways. Oh, the disappointment comes back in. Oh, maybe he hasn't changed. So it's tricky because I can see the man trying. You you know, you can witness it in the in the relationships that we work with. The the man tries and maybe just tries his best at not doing what he knows, and maybe it's like giving a bunch of flowers, maybe it's cooking dinner, maybe it's taking them away for a weekend, but it doesn't stick. And that even creates more heartbreak or you know, yeah, let down. Let down. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

Yeah, and that's just uh a lack of integration. This is what I was talking about. It's a conscious decision that you made in the moment, but it hasn't really absorbed into the unconscious um a new patterning because you haven't really felt the impact of what this means for her.

SPEAKER_00 16:00

Yeah, 100%.

The Nervous System And Ancient Wiring

SPEAKER_00 16:01

That's a nervous system thing, right? Because it's it's the predictability that creates the safety in the nervous system. It's and it that's come from like you know, come from our primal days, you know. It's like um it's through human history that men and women um have our different, you know, survival instincts. And for a woman, you know, particularly during pregnancy or caring for young children, survival often depended on more stability. Like we, it's in our it's in our DNA, you know, we we need, is there shelter? Is there food? Can I depend on this person? Is he coming back? And you know, like maybe for the men, um the the survival often depended on venturing into uncertainty. Like he he needs to go and hunt, he needs to protect, he needs to take risks to be able to provide. So facing the unknown was normal for him. But for us women, whether we realise it or not, those ancient like um questions actually haven't disappeared. It's more that they sound a little different, you know, more it's kind of evolved, and the evolution now is like, can I trust your words? Like, can I can will you still be there tomorrow? Um, when life gets hard, will you disappear emotionally and will I be on my own? Um, this is why consistency is so attractive to us women. It really helps us to drop into our truth, which is the you know, the the softness and the flow and like you said, the the fluidity of of the woman. And it's not because women are asking for perfection. We don't need like we talked about the beginning, we don't need you to get this right all the time. It's because consistency answers an ancient nervous system question, and that is am I safe with you? And that's so ingrained in us, and whether we know it or not, you know, it's something that we always are seeking and looking and and searching for and checking for evidence moment after moment.

SPEAKER_01 18:01

Yeah, um it's also something

Clear Requests, Appreciation, And Follow Through

SPEAKER_01 18:05

I want to talk about from from our perspective that I I see is missing from the the feminine uh in this space as well. And the first thing is uh encouragement, appreciation, and getting specific around what the actions are that we're doing that has actually really helped you to feel safe and steady. Because I think if we get more reference points of what it is that we're doing right, then we'll get feedback into our minds as to what we need to do repeatedly. If every now and then in an argument you just splurt out something like you just need to be more masculine, like that just means stuff all to me. Like, I don't know what that means. I don't get specific with me what you're talking about. Even if you just said, well, just be more consistent, even that's a little obscure to the male mind. It's like, yeah, but like I don't know, I go to work every day, I come home, I you know, I I I chill out on the couch, I cook your dinner. Like, what are you talking about? So getting specific about the the chain of events that you witnessed that helped you to feel like, oh, I feel held, I feel safe, I feel secure, is also the responsibility of the feminine to communicate that to us so that we can kind of register, oh, I'm on track. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:32

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. But I think it's also challenging for some women that maybe have not felt like that for a long time either, to understand what some of those things are to express them. Because we've been in such this hyper-independent state in the relationship that maybe we also don't allow it or open to that feeling anymore. Because I know for me, like, yeah, I think I was blind to see some of the behaviours that you may have been displaying with consistency and um predictability, but because I was so shut down from in my own protection because of the years of not having that, you know, it's hard to see and it's hard to understand for the women too. So this is something that might take a little bit more um awareness of and just really slowing things down to help in the moments more to go, oh, what did that feel like? Is what that behavior or that action that he did, did that help me? And maybe then speaking into that um to share. Like, yeah, actually, when you said you were gonna cook dinner and you just went on and did it, and I didn't even have to remind you, or you know, you thought about what you needed to take out for dinner. I know this these things seem so silly, but this is all the little things that help to create that safety for us women, you know, not needing to to mother you, you know, to remind you or to follow it up or check on you, or you know, just allowing you to say something, you take action, you follow through and and remember, you know, remembering too. I think I think that's the other thing sometimes that we find with relationships is um the the ability to communicate, you know, I asked you to do this, or you know, you said you would do that, but then you've forgotten. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that. Well, for us, you know, that's like like another stab in the heart, you know, you said you'd do it, but you forgot about it. That's just kind of not helping us at all to to um relinquish that that control, all that, you know, micromanaging and and allowing us to stop in step into more of that feminine that you guys crave and then we want as well.

SPEAKER_01 21:44

So is forgetting unforgivable then?

SPEAKER_00 21:47

No, it's not unforgivable, but taking ownership for the forgetting.

SPEAKER_01 21:52

Ah, okay. So there's a difference. So that that comes into the fear of getting it wrong. And yeah, I just just did it. A an amazing kind of uh session with about 10 men on this is being okay with being wrong and not getting it right. So this obviously leads into accountability, which is also a really, really important part of what a man what a woman actually needs to feel is accountability for when he doesn't get it right. So it's again that proves that it's not about perfection, and yeah, you can forget things, but yeah, just admitting that yeah, I didn't get that right and that I am wrong, does that help you as well?

SPEAKER_00 22:35

Yeah, uh it's it's like the most humbling and real thing that a woman can hear. And I think it's something that she needs to also do, because we we don't get it always right either. I'm not here on my high horse thinking that women always are perfect either. But any in a relationship, it's it's 100% taking, you know, um ownership and and speaking into when you do get it wrong, you know, when you do maybe mess it up or speak unkindly or you know, lose your shit, then say it, you

Programme Invite And Closing

SPEAKER_00 23:05

know, apologize for it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

Yeah, it's a it's a I guess an area that is largely unspoken about, but this is what we dive into in our our 12-week group program, The Reconnected Union, where we really help um couples to get an understanding of what each other needs. And we actually go through this process of exploring our own individual living values where yeah, each partner finds what those values are, and then we literally pull them apart with a microscope and and help each other to understand why that really matters to each other. And yeah, I think in one hand, like, you know, you're saying consistency is really a big thing for you, but then maybe there's also spontaneity. So that leads us into a deeper conversation around what's the difference, because like you want me to be spontaneous, but then you want me to be consistent. Like, what does that mean to you? And I think that's why this program has been so successful, is because we guide the container and the couples within that to explore with each other in their own lounge rooms in the privacy of their own home to find these parts out so that these conflicts finally melt away and your needs are actually being met, and you're able to kind of you know find accountability and consistency in your relationship.

SPEAKER_00 24:23

But yeah, a lot of the the trouble is a lot of people just think that they can do it on their own, but it just takes that little bit extra guidance for a lot of couples just to kind of get there, yeah, and understanding what's really going on sometimes behind or underneath those behaviors that we're automatically entrenched in sometimes in relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Slowing things down, pulling it apart, helping each other to see.

SPEAKER_01 24:47

Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Anything else you want to share?

SPEAKER_00 24:50

No, I just think it's important to remember that uh us women don't always trust your intentions. Like if your intentions might be good, I've got the intention to do this, and that and sometimes that trust isn't always there. But what I do trust is and and what I um can build my safety on is the patterns and your consistency on doing the intention or showing up as you said you would, or um the promises that you'd be making. So I think that's really important for guys and girls that are listening out there that um yeah, how can you help your partner to understand what patterns are helpful in the relationship and um explain that to them as well. So, what does it feel like for you when you know your partner is doing those things to show up like that?

SPEAKER_01 25:44

Thanks for listening, folks. I hope you got something out of that and uh maybe it brought some things up and some conversations that you might might have after this uh podcast, but um but we're gonna leave it from here, folks, and we'll yeah, we'll definitely be catching you on the next podcast.

SPEAKER_00 26:00

Yeah, and our next reconnected union is starting in just under two weeks. So we've got one spot left for a couple. So if you're interested in, you know, getting that extra support in helping your relationship in that 12 week journey, reach out, get connected, and um we would love to have a chat to you.