Low Libido Or Something Deeper?

Low desire can look like a bedroom problem, but it often starts as a nervous system and connection problem. We’re Michael and Amy, couple’s connection coaches, and we keep seeing the same pattern: one partner reaches for sex to feel loved, the other feels pressured and shuts down, and suddenly both people feel ashamed, guilty, and miles apart.

We pull apart the “low libido” label and talk about what sits underneath it, including stress and disconnection from the body, the mental load many women carry, and why responsive desire needs the right conditions. We also get real about emotional safety: unresolved resentments, feeling unseen, and the small daily moments that tell the body it’s safe enough to open. Along the way we share practical ideas like phone-free nights, self-nurture rituals, and learning to talk during sex instead of guessing.

We also explore beliefs and shame around sex, how many adults never learn what genuinely turns them on, and where hormones, perimenopause, menopause, medication, and health concerns fit into the picture without becoming a blanket explanation. Finally, we speak directly to the partnership piece: how men can support by reducing pressure and increasing steadiness, and why rebuilding affection without it automatically leading to sex can be a powerful reset.

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Transcript

Welcome And Why Libido Matters

SPEAKER_00 0:09

We're Michael and Amy, your couple's connection coaches. Our mission is to help couples thrive using a conscious and holistic approach. This podcast is for couples and singles who want to unlock their relationship potential and reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful soul level. We share insights, client breakthroughs, and personal stories to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving. Welcome everyone to another episode of Thrive Again, Your Relationship Podcast. We're here in our office recording another episode. We wanted to bring this episode to you because we've been seeing it coming up in our relationship coaching and with our clients that we're working with, and it's actually probably something that we have also dealt with in our relationship. So it's all about this um common story or problem that couples come to us with, and it's mostly around the women's low libido or the lack of um their sex drive in a relationship.

SPEAKER_02 1:20

So here we are.

SPEAKER_00 1:21

Here we are, sharing some of our thoughts and our experience and um wisdom with you guys. So if you do experience, I guess, the the mismatch libido or whether or not your partner's got a really high sex drive, we're actually gonna try and bust a few miss in this episode because what we see is much more than actually women having a low libido. There's something else going on.

SPEAKER_02 1:53

Yeah, and I think being sensitive to the fact that everyone is unique and everyone has their own unique situations, medications, um, historic background with health. Um yeah, but but what we're gonna talk into are the things that we see and witness in relationships that maybe inhibit the sexual openness uh and desire that can sometimes feel limited for women.

SPEAKER_00 2:21

Yeah, absolutely. It's not like um that lo libido is not real, it absolutely is real, but rather sometimes lo libido can be oversimplified label for a much more complex you know experience that that that person's experiencing. So we kind of want to dive into maybe some of those complexities that you know we have seen. So, what's something that um I guess we notice in relationships that couples struggle with in this department? Like what are some of the reasons I suppose that we have witnessed through um our work that has come up for

The Shame And Guilt Loop

SPEAKER_00 3:00

women in this space?

SPEAKER_02 3:02

So some of the reasons why it's come up?

SPEAKER_00 3:05

Yeah, and some of the problems it causes, I suppose, in the relationship.

SPEAKER_02 3:08

Okay. Yeah, so the problems that it causes, often we get couples that come to us, and there's this mismatched um sex drive that they speak about. Um, sometimes it's the woman, um, more often than not, it's the man. Um, so it's it's not always one way, but what we see is that there's a an emotional um undercurrent here that happens, and it impacts each each partner in this. Um, so one partner might be really have a have a high sex drive, and that's to do with connection, that's to do with how I um feel connected to you, but when that's not really um matched or met consistently or enough, then he or she feels like they they don't they don't kind of that they're feeling unloved basically, they're feeling disconnected, they're feeling like they're not um uh maybe sometimes not a priority, or that their partner doesn't care about them, or maybe they're just unlovable. And so this then can tip that person into um yeah, maybe feeling some shame, or maybe you know, moving to sabotage practices, or um, yeah, maybe turning to anger and an emotion ends up changing um to frustration, and that might lead to more distance. But then the partner who is really not having desire, um, then feels guilt, right? Then feels like I can't really satiate my partner's needs, I I can never be enough, and uh and so the guilt then feeds into the relational ecosystem even more. So one partner's feeling unlovable, the other's feeling guilty, and then we've got this this perpetual cycle that that that feels horrendous when you're in a relationship. So this is a common uh thing that comes to us to into our office, and um, so if you're experiencing this, then you're in the right place, we're gonna explore this topic and pull it apart.

SPEAKER_00 5:18

Yeah, it's it's not a nice place to be in, and um absolutely causes a lot of stress for each partner. But I'd love to um kind of maybe unpack of like what are some of the reasons women might be mistaken to have low libido? What's some of the things going on

When Women Disconnect From Self

SPEAKER_00 5:35

for her that we've seen?

SPEAKER_02 5:37

Yeah, I think the biggest thing is that she's disconnected from herself. Uh, and when I say disconnected from herself, what we mean is in the Western world there are different demands to maybe what our natural state it ought to be in. Um, and as a woman, a lot of women are in masculine roles, a lot of women are pushing shit uphill, a lot of women are um are juggling jobs plus kids, you know, plus um life in general with stresses and tensions and financial pressures like we all have. Uh but their bodies are not really designed for that. So, yeah, we can cope and move through that, but it's unsustainable. So, what happens is if she's caring for everybody else and she's prioritizing everything else and everyone else, then of course she's naturally going to be disconnected from herself through that period. But if that goes on and on like a um a continual process, then eventually she's actually not gonna know herself, she's not gonna know um intuitively what's up or what's down, like what's like, and then eventually that access to sensuality and pleasure is gonna be cut off because yeah, she's she's she's not open to receiving, right?

SPEAKER_00 6:59

Yeah, yeah, I think that's definitely something that I've experienced, you know, like being in that kind of um you know, we call it being in our head, you know, busy, busy, always in our head, disconnected from our body, not not connected to our our our sensuality and our actual body, feeling body. So it's really hard for women to sometimes just magically click their fingers and be out of mum, busy mode into this beautiful open feminine state. So absolutely, I think it's an important one, you know, for women if they're desiring more connection and and intimacy with their partner, that we have a practice that's going to help us get out of our heads and into our bodies more so we can feel more, we can kind of be connected more into our sexuality and our sensuality as well. So, yeah, I think that's a a big big factor into women having low libido.

SPEAKER_02 7:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:00

Yeah. Yeah. Let's go to the next one.

Spontaneous Versus Responsive Desire

SPEAKER_00 8:05

Yeah, what's something else?

SPEAKER_02 8:07

Well, we've got these differences in desire, and the Gottman speak about this as well. Um, and yeah, we've got spontaneous desire, which is just desire that comes spontaneously in the moment. You might remember this at different times in your life where it just naturally seems to happen. Um, but then there's this other desire called responsive desire, which is more about having the right environment for this to occur. It's almost like all the missing pieces come together, or maybe the things that are blocking desire move out the way. And yeah, I think if she's just waiting for spontaneity to come in, then she might be waiting a long time. So there might be a design process that's missing in there in terms of yeah, just having a routine that enhances this um opportunity for responsiveness.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

What would that be?

SPEAKER_02 9:11

What's a routine for so a routine might be something like getting rid of phones completely at night time, it could be running a bath on a Thursday night, it could be um just just giving giving herself like time and space away from all the people and things that need her. Um I know for you, like when you've nurtured yourself or given yourself space and time for nurturing, then you come back softer, and that's really what I want to speak into is the softness that I see in you when you're nurtured or you're self-nurtured. Um, so that then opens up. I've seen in you like this yeah, this this um ability to to access desire where maybe previously it wasn't even on your radar, like you it's like you've got your blinkers on and you just go go go. So yeah, it's it's more about creating fert fertile ground for that to naturally occur.

SPEAKER_00 10:12

Yeah, I think it's something that we like you said, we have been um really conditioned and programmed into thinking that we need to be like a man, like women need to live like a man does and be able to keep up with them and and um you know their their plates are so full and we're on task all the time, we're probably considering all of the decisions that need to be made in the house, we're overloaded to our capacity, but then we also think that we should have this ability to be this spontaneous desire instantly ignited, you know. But our our body and our nervous system and our and our um wiring of of being a female doesn't work like that. So, yeah, it's important for us to remember as women. I think I've only just really really embodied this probably in the last three or four years that it's essential for us to be able to slow down, connect to our body, connect to our our feeling, sense, our our experience that's you know in the body, so then we can at least explore more desire. And uh getting out of yeah,

Emotional Safety And Bedroom Honesty

SPEAKER_00 11:20

out of our head is absolutely essential for any anyone in this position. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:28

Probably the most obvious one that comes into our office is that she's not feeling emotionally safe or connected to her partner. So if safety's not consistently present, then uh she's less likely to ever want to open up physically to him. And this is the predicament that couples find themselves in because a man feels connected through physicality and a woman through emotional safety, and it's if that's not available to her consistently, then yeah, she's gonna check out and her body's gonna say no. So her mind probably says, Oh, I should, but her body's signalling no. And so if body's signalling no, then that's linked to the unconscious mind, it's linked to what like survival, and yeah, it's it's almost like that that ancient program that's there just to keep her alive starts to kick into gear consistently.

SPEAKER_00 12:22

Yeah, that's like things like unresolved resentments, um, disagreements that in the relationship that didn't get um repaired, um, feeling unseen, feeling unappreciated, um, carrying too much of this weight that you know often we we feel like we need to carry for some strange reason, but it can have such a huge impact on our desire. Our nervous system can only feel safe when we're able to be held in amongst all of that. So, yeah, emotional safety is such a critical part of um a woman's desire, and I think for me, once this started to change in our relationship, because this has been our kind of dance with you know our masculine, feminine, you know, imbalances in our relationship. But when I started to witness more leadership, more um attentiveness to the things that were causing me stress, like I'm thinking like the things around the house that that you know you probably didn't see, like just wiping down the table or helping out with the kids or disciplining the children, you know, sometimes if they needed to, or those small things being present when I'm speaking to you, you know, are all um registering in my nervous system as something that makes me feel safe and it makes me feel seen. So therefore I'm able to relax a little more. I'm able to open up and and feel um yeah, that that this potential for that desire because when I'm in my they I call it go or flow, you know, when you're in your go mode, you're just in go mode, but yeah, we need to drop into our flow mode more, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:11

And and I think it's an extension in the bedroom of the emotional safety and security, and yeah, that that maybe we experience through the week, that is an extension into the physicality within the bedroom because if me as a bloke I'm looking to have sex with you, and my desire is for release um or for what I need, then you're not you're gonna feel that you like women are intuitive, right? Like you're gonna feel that I'm here for my pleasure rather than I'm here to help you to access your pleasure, and I'm curious as to how you would like that to happen, like what's coming up for you, what would you like me to explore with you? And I think that's been an evolution in our sex life is our ability to talk during sex and ask those questions. And does this feel great for you? Like, what's you know, what do you prefer right now? And I think using our voice in the bedroom rather than just not even speaking and just guessing can also lead to eventually, like I don't know, like maybe you shutting down, maybe a woman sort of shutting down because she's maybe feels like she it's not about her or it doesn't matter. She

Beliefs Shame And Knowing Turn-Ons

SPEAKER_02 15:35

doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_00 15:36

Yeah, I think that's kind of relevant for the this, like we can get stuck into our own beliefs around sex and and pleasure, and actually we we never question it. It's just like maybe something we've had from childhood, maybe something our parents told us, or something, you know, that certain um sex is something that I do for my partner, like it's it's it's pleasure I do for you, and maybe that's a belief that you've had, I don't know, that someone said to you, or maybe there's there's like good girls don't don't initiate sex, or there's a belief there that um oh sex is not spoken about, we should be quiet about it. All of those beliefs can help uh to can create this this shutdown and this disconnection, and and hence why you're like, I don't have I don't have desire, I don't want to have sex, like, but it's something that's unconsciously blocking the way for us, you know, whoever it could be. It can also be for men too. It's not just a woman's problem that they've there's beliefs around sex that they've maybe heard or um had from their childhood, but it's something that definitely should be questioned and should be explored because intimacy and pleasure and sex is is something that we are all gifted and able to do, and um we are all um can all access it, you know. It's not something that it's just for some people and not for others, or just for you and not for me, and and my pleasure isn't important, you need to look after yourself, all that kind of stuff that maybe has that's come up in the past.

SPEAKER_02 17:05

Yeah, and just remember like the last generation and the one before that, like I think we're progressing as a humanity to open up this space, but like I know for for my parents it wasn't really spoken about, it was sort of something that was a bit taboo, and yeah, maybe you just got thrown some condoms when you were like 15, or maybe when you had your even your first period, like you know, I know I know for mum, my mum just received a a book and that was it. No words, nothing. There you go, there's a book. Read it, and so anything to do with you know, sexual areas or organs or places were just like completely not talked about, and then we layer like this conditioning of religion on top of that, which you know, I'm open to people's beliefs. It's just that the it's it's truth that a lot of the messages that were coming through historically were all around um you know, it it sort of um created this this shameful sort of experience for the for the individual that was around those those places, especially around sexuality. Again, it's something that's hidden, it's something you shouldn't be accessing sex, no sex before marriage. And and I I you know I'm I'm not saying that that that's wrong, I'm just saying that the messaging can cause the unconscious program in the body that prevents you from being able to access pleasure.

SPEAKER_00 18:27

Yeah, yeah, 100%. And and the other the other thing to keep an eye on, um, which is what we've probably come across too, is sometimes those people who have been, you know, kind of put into the box of I've got low libido or I don't have any sex drive actually may not know what turns her on. She may not be um connected with her pleasure or understand um actually what feels good and what doesn't. So there's a huge difference between knowing how to please a partner and understanding your own body, your own pleasure, your own turn-ons and erotic preferences because we haven't explored this. It's like this unwritten rule that it's just not talked about. So, yeah, these these some of these things are worth exploring and maybe diving into if you feel like maybe there is something in your relationship that you're finding tricky

Hormones Perimenopause And The Real Drivers

SPEAKER_00 19:20

in the um intimacy space.

SPEAKER_02 19:23

And what about hormones?

SPEAKER_00 19:25

Oh, yeah, of course, they play such a big part in our in our um lives, and especially women, of course, because there's different times of our cycle where we will feel more desire than others, and that's a natural, obviously, when we're ovulating, a natural response in our body. But I think there's also I think some women forget that outside of those times of ovulation, there is also desire there. It's just that these other things get in the way. So coming back into the body more often, slowing things down can help um to keep that a little bit more consistent as opposed to once a month where you feel this spontaneous desire.

SPEAKER_02 20:12

Is it true that when your estrogen drops though, that there's less um lubricant, if you like?

SPEAKER_00 20:19

Yeah, of course, there's so much to at play, and with there's um, yeah, I'm not an expert in that field, but yeah, obviously there is going to be impact on that.

SPEAKER_02 20:30

So, yeah, just speaking into perimenopause and menopause, because like this is probably the the biggest thing that that women struggle with um that I've well recently been really seeing. Um do you think that plays a factor in in this?

SPEAKER_00 20:45

So I think menopause and perimenopause, maybe personally, my belief is that it has been overdone and it's been used as a blanket excuse for women's low desire or sex drive. Um because from what I have experienced and what you know I guess I am experiencing, is that all of these other factors that we've spoken about will lead to a much healthier sex life than just you know getting on top of your menopause or perimenopause, which is probably not even a thing to be able to get on top of. It's just it is what it is, you know what I mean? Like if a woman is stressed out, busy, you know, not disconnected to her body, not in tune with herself, not feeling emotionally safe in the relationship, not connecting with emotionally with their partners, then that is going to cause much more long term problems in the relationship than just the the menopause or perimenopause that they're in.

SPEAKER_02 21:49

Okay, so so you're saying it still is a factor, but it's just been overplayed a lot to the degree where it becomes like this thing that that women sometimes just like point towards. As being the barrier, like that's the thing, I can't do it. Yeah, I believe I yeah, that's what I think.

SPEAKER_00 22:05

Yeah, I think it's like an excuse, and and yeah, and I and I think it's a good excuse because it's valid, but there's so much more going on underneath for that woman, on and I think the menopause is at the top, you know what I mean? Like it's just the surface problem where it underneath there's so much more that is contributing to the lack of intimacy and sex drive.

SPEAKER_02 22:26

Yeah, so like it's like I mean, I guess as soon as like let's just say that was an issue for you. As soon as you found out that, oh, guess what? Yes, that makes sense. Like I'm I'm in menopause, yeah, that's the thing. Then there's I guess that that that takes away the pressure for you to have to do anything, like to have to change anything, to have to take ownership on your lifestyle. Is that what you you mean?

SPEAKER_00 22:56

Yeah, absolutely, and and explore some of some of those other things that we mentioned, you know. So yeah, it yeah, it's kind of like an easy excuse. Because essentially, you're right, women don't have uh if if women are in their natural flow state, then they will have a sex high sex drive. Sometimes women have higher sex drives than men when they're in their regulated calm flow state. It's a it's a fact. So when women aren't in that state and they're they're wired and they're busy and they're in go fl go mode, they're going to use menopause as an excuse, well, I think, or as like a you know, a blanket statement to avoid that.

SPEAKER_02 23:41

Alright, so we've got a few men that are probably listening to this, and what if they took that information then it's like now I just said to their wives, like, that's just an excuse, because Michael and Amy said that.

SPEAKER_00 23:54

Yeah, well, I I

What Men Can Do Differently

SPEAKER_00 23:55

I think if they uh if the woman's explored all of those other things, if they're able to, you know, um relax and take time out for themselves, connect with their body, know their sensuality, know their sexuality, know how they feel pleasure, know what you know turns them on, all of those other things. Um if they've done all of those things and and then the menopause is causing the problem, then I yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 24:22

But but what I'm saying is is that the man's gonna challenge her now by saying that's just an excuse. Is there any responsibility from the man? Because at the moment it sounds like you're just saying a woman needs to relax more. So like, is there because we haven't really explored like how a man can actually support her, like can actually support her a lot more because this is a partnership, it's a it's a relationship. So I'm just just checking in because I'm worried that maybe men will take that message and then they'll you know just say, Well, you need to sort yourself out.

SPEAKER_00 24:56

Yeah, no, absolutely, it's a it's your partner's responsibility just as much as yours to be able to to hold that safe container to create the emotional safety, to um also meet your partner in that space of being able to open up together. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:14

And maybe alleviate pressures from her and run her a bath and you know, do things that perhaps can help her because I mean this kind of woman is probably fairly independent, has been needed by everyone. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:28

Yeah, and can that masculine containment, like being able to to for the woman to experience, you know, all the emotions, but her man to just be holding her steady in in that and creating that grounded presence and and that willingness to be curious and and not kind of dismissing her or or you know shutting her down or or making her feel like there's something wrong. Like absolutely that's a massive part of of a relationship and and intimacy.

SPEAKER_02 25:57

Yeah, because I just see so many men that that make it a her problem. Yeah. You know, that this is your thing, and you just need to like you never used to be like that, but now you're like that, so you should go to the doctor and sort yourself out, or you you know, you need to um take some medicine or do something from you know from the doctor, get something from the doctor. So and and maybe that there's things that are true there because um I know people take medication and that can affect um libido, yeah. But yeah, yeah, I think yeah, sometimes taking ownership on how how am I nurturing and supporting this relationship, how am I m alleviating pressure and and creating harmony, and space and safety, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:43

So, what uh what about for the men who um don't feel loved if they're not getting sex? What's happening there?

SPEAKER_02 26:51

Yeah, well the the the issue often with men is that we feel love through connection, um, and that's physical connection, uh most of us. And if that isn't readily available, then if the man doesn't have enough steadiness and containment within himself, then he's gonna be run by his dick basically, by his sexual desire that comes through, and so it ends up dictating what his behavior does next. So if he doesn't have any conscious ability to see that cascade happen, like I'm feeling horny, I see my partner, um, I hit her up for sex, she says no, I chuck a tantrum. If that cascade happens, then there's also a responsibility on his part because now what happens is that he's now making her feel maybe guilty or maybe you know, feeling like she should be something other than what she is, and you know that's that's a genuine frustration for a man, like you know, the it can actually really inhabit his mind and his body through the day, but getting better at containing that energy and channeling that energy into purposeful, focused action, not saying that we need to just give sex up, it's just that I have this energy now. Where am I directing my my life force towards? Um, and am I continuing to create a safe space? Or am I making my partner feel guilty about not pleasuring me? Am I making her feel like she's um not doing enough for me, which then further creates emotional um instability from her side? She's not feeling safe anymore. So, yeah, it's really tricky, and I would actually advise to get some guidance or professional advice if you are falling into this trap trap and it's been happening for a while. We have we help couples with this, like it's not easy because we've got impulses that are taking place, and then behaviors follow the impulses. We need to slow things down so you can each see the patterns that are playing out, these cascades that take place.

SPEAKER_00 29:05

Yeah, I think it's so key because the couples that come to us, and then the pressure, any additional pressure on that woman, if they're already in that space of low libido or whatever the you know the scenario might be, then it's just going to cause additional pressure, and that is not helpful for anybody. So it's really important for that man to take responsibility and finding other ways that he can feel loved or um he can, you know, experience what he needs that he's need like relying on her for as well, other outlets, I believe, until um, you know, and and support her, support her to be able to slow down, to come back into her body, to find her her pleasure, to find her um, you know, rediscovering all of herself and reconnecting with her body, then um than tucking chucking a tantrum.

SPEAKER_02 29:56

Yeah, and that's sometimes how it looks, yeah. Like, you know, chucking a tantrum, having like totally untethered from any groundedness, um, which yeah, then just really highlights you know something that's stuck in the relationship that might be already under the surface.

SPEAKER_00 30:13

Yeah, so much more. It's so many, it's so in-depth. It's not, you know, I'm not just blanketing that you've got a low libido, and and and absolutely there is medical problems and there's there's important nuances that you know, pain, depression, um, you know, not feeling safe, medical conditions, all that sort of stuff. Absolutely want to close out this podcast saying that it affects sexual desire too. So I wouldn't, I'm not saying that just because that that lo libido isn't real, you know, an actual thing, but it is sometimes

Rebuilding Affection Without Expectation

SPEAKER_00 30:45

we can forget that there is a lot of other factors that maybe couples haven't explored to see what is the underlying cause of this.

SPEAKER_02 30:54

Yeah, and I think one of the other issues that comes up that's um really prevalent is that often affection falls by the wayside because sometimes a woman is scared to give or offer affection because they might lead him on to feeling like it's gonna head on head into sex, so then she withdraws affection, and so he then feels starved of any love and it feels like he flatmates. Um, so yeah, it's also something that's worth mentioning. If that's the case, then often what we do is we guide the couples to have actually a sexless relationship for a while, but practice having non-sexual touch, like practice having um, you know, like continuing that affection, but without the expectation of something to come.

SPEAKER_00 31:46

I was just thinking about the men listening to that and say, what? Sexless relationship. Um, but yeah, like you know, it's only for a short time. But anyway, I

Closing Thoughts And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 31:55

hope that episode has helped. I hope that's given some insight into, you know, I guess maybe other causes or pro or issues that are causing the low libido in a relationship. As we said, this is not, you know, not the be-all and end all. There is my many more factors to it, but we just wanted to offer some insights into what can help this.

SPEAKER_02 32:16

Thanks for listening, folks.