Jamie Lerner - How Can We Trust Our Inner Voice and Overcome Negativity?

We all have that little voice in our head that’s constantly talking to us. Most of the time it’s running silently, hitting you with mostly negative thoughts. Because you’re not aware of it, those nasty messages may make you feel uneasy, unhappy, unconfident and unsure how to make the best of your life.

     But there’s another voice inside you, that loving voice that knows you’re worthy of giving and receiving love. How to access that is the expertise of Integrative Well-Being Therapist Jamie Lerner. On this episode, she tells us how to trust that voice and find humor in our journey of self-improvement. Jamie talks about:

·      Why it’s good to laugh at ourselves

·      The purpose of “repaving”

·      The difference between self-love and selflessness

·      The simple act that helps you believe in your self-worth

·      Why procrastination is good for you!

·      Which memories you should embrace and which to avoid

We all could use more ways to nurture our loving selves and you’ll hear that and more in this thought-provoking episode of Dream Power Radio.

     Jamie Lerner, co-author of the book The Ever-Loving Essence of You, can put a fresh spin on just about anything that anyone throws her way. Her unique and masterful ability to re-frame even the most difficult situations is astounding. All of a sudden, your biggest nightmare becomes your greatest pleasure as she lovingly helps you sift through the contrast and find that small opening of light that quickly becomes your greatest jumping off point for clarity. Unassuming, reassuring and seemingly without any sense of ego, Jamie Lerner is able to put everyone and everything at ease. Jamie Lerner is an asset to any corporate setting. She is easily able to untangle the issues at hand and move right along into helping facilitate a solution-based platform for creative, productive, good-feeling collaboration and change. Jamie Lerner can most often be seen working with adults, teens, children, and couples as well as with small groups. She never positions herself as the expert of anything and is always reminding you that it is you who knows best for yourself ALWAYS. Jamie is an Integrative Well-Being Therapist who resides in the Chicago area. Website: https://www.jamie-lerner.com/

Chapters

• 1:57 Laughing at ourselves and finding levity
• 3:40 The difference between selfishness and self-love
• 12:44 The gift of self-love
• 13:10 Dealing with our feelings
• 18:42 Procrastination as a friend
• 25:47 Making Positive Changes

Transcript

Announcer (00:00:04) - This is Dream Power Radio, the place where your dreams turn into reality. Here is your host, Debbie Spector. Weisman.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:00:13) - Hello. Hello. Hello and welcome to Dream Power Radio. I'm your host, certified Dream Life Coach, Debbie Spector Weisman. This is a place where we talk about dreams, both daytime and nighttime dreams, and how you can use them to make the internal shift to a life you love and rediscover the truth of who you really are. Let's talk about that last thought for a second. Rediscovering the truth of who you really are. I mean, women often go through our lives putting the needs of those we love ahead of ourselves, out. There's nothing wrong with that, of course. After all, we're here on earth to love. But sometimes the balance is off. And we're so deep into being nurturers that we forget to pay attention to the most important person of all our selves. So how do we begin to start paying attention to our needs after all that time focused on others? Have we learned to listen to that loving inner voice inside us? Well, to help us figure it out.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:01:16) - I'm pleased to welcome my guest, integrative wellbeing therapist Jamie Lerner. Jamie believes that you are the one who knows what's best for you, and she writes about it in her book, The Ever Loving Essence of You. Welcome to Dream Power Radio, Jamie.

Jamie Lerner (00:01:33) - Thank you very much for inviting me.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:01:36) - Oh, it is my pleasure. Oh, Jamie, one of the things that you say is that you believe it's important for us to pay attention to that inner voice. But I have to be honest with you, a lot of times that inner voice inside of me is just full of negative things. Keep talking back at me. So how do I learn to trust that voice if it's dominated by negativity?

Jamie Lerner (00:01:57) - I think that first we need to learn to laugh at ourselves, because if we really tuned in and her ourselves say the things that we do to ourselves, we would realize we would never speak that way to another. And most of it is ridiculous. And it's actually very funny. So I think that when we have a little levity around this subject, which sometimes can feel really heavy and almost daunting, that that is helpful to.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:02:29) - Have some laughter about it, because you're right, whenever we're talking about self-improvement or getting into deep into ourselves, it does sound so serious and, oh, you don't even want to start because it's going to be very serious. Yeah, I'd like to have that levity. You can learn to laugh at yourself. You can see those things that on paper or sometimes they were thinking about it, thinks, think, seem so dark and daunting. But they're just stories we tell ourselves. And they could change that, right?

Jamie Lerner (00:03:04) - Absolutely. And I think not laughing necessarily at our host, but with ourselves. And I think that's a really nice way to begin to love yourself and to embrace yourself and to accept yourself.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:03:23) - I talk to my clients about loving themselves. The first reaction I actually often get is it's selfish to do this. So talk to me about the difference between selfishness and self-love and why it's so important for us to nourish our self-love.

Jamie Lerner (00:03:40) - The first thing they tell you to do when you get on an airplane is to put your own oxygen mask on first before you assist others, which is so counterintuitive to us, especially to women.

Jamie Lerner (00:03:52) - However, we do not nurse and nurture ourselves into connection first and foremost then anything that we do for another, we tend to resent and to feel really unhealthy. And if you're not going to think about herself, think about how it feels when somebody is doing something for you and they're resenting. It doesn't feel good to receive them and it doesn't feel good as the giver taker. So I tell people, you're not going to do it for yourself. Do it for others. Because once you're able to do for yourself. Even a little bit to be on the receiving end of you as the giver feels so much better. It feels better to you. It feels better to the person you are seeing. It's a win win.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:04:43) - Oh, absolutely. And when we do make that commitment to love ourselves, we open up so much space that is the right now covered with doubt, fears and all those negative things. And when we remove that, all this space opens up. So we have the capability in the capacity to love others and to love them unconditionally.

Jamie Lerner (00:05:09) - This is so true, and it feels so good when we can do that. However, I'd like to suggest not making a commitment. That just sounds like that sounds really heavy, but maybe just placing such.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:05:21) - A shift, just a—

Jamie Lerner (00:05:23) - Small little shift that you will make a decision to address yourself first and foremost in the morning, even if it's for ten minutes, which is a really nice reminder that you are so worthy of your own love. And I really ask people to just sit and ask themselves, what do they appreciate about themselves, not what others appreciate about you, but what do you appreciate about yourself? And to come up with just a few things is a very nurturing and nourishing activity.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:05:57) - You know, it is. I mean, I have done this for myself many times. I've also found that some people find this very hard. You know, you ask them to do it and they're like, don't know, what do I tell myself?

Jamie Lerner (00:06:14) - Well, you don't have to know.

Jamie Lerner (00:06:15) - But I think to explore with loving curiosity, not even what you love about yourself. But what do you appreciate the most about yourself? And surely to come up with one thing. Think that's a great start.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:06:28) - Or it is. And sometimes people realize they even need a prompt to realize, oh yeah, I can go in that direction. Like, even if, let's say, let's say they're unhappy with their body, for example, to say to you one body part they like, like, oh, I love my eyelashes. There's certain or maybe there's some quality. Like maybe you're a person who is a great cook, but they don't think it as be a loving thing. But it can be.

Jamie Lerner (00:06:56) - Absolutely. And it's a very powerful acknowledgment to yourself, from yourself about yourself that does not include another.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:07:07) - Absolutely. And you're right about taking the time to do it. It's also saying that you're important and you deserve those five minutes a day, that it doesn't involve anybody else.

Jamie Lerner (00:07:20) - Exactly.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:07:22) - Indeed.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:07:23) - You talk about a concept called repaving. So tell me about that. What is what is that?

Jamie Lerner (00:07:33) - Well, it's interesting. We do it just naturally, but we tend to do it negatively. We dread getting in our car, anticipating that, anticipating we're going to have a terrible day with long meetings and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So we're naturally doing that. But craving is something that we can do positive. We can think about how we want our day to go, that we'd like to get in our car, and we'd like to appreciate our car and anticipate that we are not going to have traffic and anticipate if we do have traffic, that we're going to be able to get so many things accomplished during our drive, whether it's listening to a podcast or music or returning phone calls. And then when we get to where that, we're going to have just a wonderful day. That's going to be easy and feel effortless.

Jamie Lerner (00:08:23) - And we've brought our lunch with us and we're looking forward to having a half hour to eat lunch slowly. And, you know, and so once again, it's like brainwashing ourselves in the morning to have this amazing day. And it tends to work because what you think about is what you get. And most people think about what they don't want and what do they have all day long, but they don't want. So it is all within our power to create our day, preparing from the very beginning to be and go exactly the way we want to go.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:09:02) - And it's just a wonderful idea. And again, it's something that anybody could do. It doesn't take the training or money or commitment. It's just a matter of saying, okay, well, what do I have to do today and frame it as a positive action instead of thinking about, oh, well, I have to work even if and even if it's a chore or something you would call a chore. You can frame it in a way.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:09:29) - So let's say like, oh, I have to clean the house today. They hate to clean the house, but you could say, well, no, I'm going to spend this time to make my house beautiful and I'm going to love the way it looks when it's done. You're still doing the same action. But because you've talked about it in that positive way, not do you feel better about it, but you feel better doing it.

Jamie Lerner (00:09:52) - And I'm clear. Yes. And it's all within your control. Like nobody can do this for you. That's like 99% of the possibilities of all of this. I don't want to say work, but nobody can do this for you. But you can do it for yourself if you choose.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:10:10) - And it's so important in a world where so much of what's going on outside is out of our control. We don't have control over inflation or the economy or wars or climate change or any of those big, heavy things are going on. But we do have that power to control how we feel about ourselves.

Jamie Lerner (00:10:30) - What we choose to think about, and how we're choosing to feel about we're choosing to think about. And that's a lot of power. It truly is. And it feels really good when we step into that personal code.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:10:42) - It does. And the more you do it, the more you realize you can do it. And so, like, if you're starting from a low point, people listening to the podcast can see my arm. But your story from a low point and the more you do it, the more you raise your energy level and the more confidence and self-assurance you feel, and all those positive things just start to grow.

Jamie Lerner (00:11:08) - Then it gets easier and easier and then it's a lifestyle.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:11:13) - Well, it becomes a habit also. Then you've just embodied it into your being. It's a total life changing experience. Truly. And you could do it all by yourself? Yes, I'm doing it for you. It's very good. But something that often happens with a lot of people is. Getting able to really figure out what their needs are and to align with them in a way that really gets them to feel it and take action on it. So can you talk a little bit about that?

Jamie Lerner (00:11:53) - If we could imagine. And we do all run all the things that we wish others would do for us. So identify that that would be agreed. So what would we like others to do for us? Can we do those things for ourselves? And when we can. It feels a whole lot better to do it for yourself than to wait and wish that another would take care of these things for you. Every year at my birthday and Christmas and every holiday, Mother's Day, I go out and I buy myself. The gift that I want, and I wrap it up in beautiful paper and ribbon and pick a beautiful heart out. And this is my gift to myself, and it makes me so happy and I'm never disappointed.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:12:44) - That's how you do it. You never disappointed. And what a wonderful enterprise. So who doesn't like opening gifts? And then you give it to yourself. It's. It's on your full wonderful present. And it's another one. It's another way of amplifying that self-love. I deserve to get a gift. And best gift is a gift I give myself.

Jamie Lerner (00:13:09) - Exactly.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:13:10) - Yeah, what a wonderful thought and what a wonderful thought to end this segment. We are going to be taking a short break now. We are talking all about loving ourselves and getting our needs met with Jamie Lerner. And we'll be right back. 

Announcer (00:13:54) - Welcome back to Dream Power Radio with your host, Debbie Spector Weisman.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:13:59) - Yes. Welcome back to Dream Power Radio. I'm your host, Debbie Spector Weisman. And we're talking with Jamie Lerner all about the letter loving essence of you. Well, Jamie, a lot of times when we're paying attention to our feelings, we often tend to hide or discount them in front of others because we don't want people to think less of us. So we hide those things that they really don't like or bothering us. But is that a really healthy way to act? And if not, how should we be dealing with our feelings in the healthiest way possible?

Jamie Lerner (00:14:37) - You know, that is a really good question. The first thing is I think that if we would not judge how we're feeling in the moment, that would be very helpful and not worry about others judging us, but think it is our responsibility, how we feel every single moment. No one can make us feel any way. And we get stuck in this pattern of believing that people can make us feel a certain way. We can choose to feel a certain way is the result of what someone else is saying or what someone else is doing.

Jamie Lerner (00:15:11) - Or we can make the choice to really think about it in terms of what is our responsibility for how we're feeling in this moment. And it's a really great question to ask yourself because most of us want to be a victim and it doesn't really help us in any way for growth or for how we feel, how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about others. I don't think there are any with it. So every interaction with another is actually a golden opportunity for us to look at ourselves in a loving way, in a curious way, and as ourselves, like what's going on. How are we getting triggered by whatever it is that's happening and what do we want to do with that?

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:15:57) - Yeah. And it's so important to take that time to really explore what is behind of what's causing those feelings. You're right. The people do like to play the victim, and it's because there's something negative going on that is causing them to feel like I don't deserve something or, you know, bad things always happen to me kind of thing.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:16:21) - Which is focusing more on that negativity, the focusing on reframing it in a more positive way so that maybe you want to play the victim because you're looking for sympathy because you don't feel that love. But if you work on the work is also a strong word. But if you take those steps to learn how to love yourself. You don't need that validation for anybody else.

Jamie Lerner (00:16:47) - No, you don't. And we can never get enough validation from others to ever feel good. So at the point that we understand that the validation of ourselves is really the only validation that we. It's very free. But the phrasing I tell people to consider when somebody's speaking to them and someone is. Sharing their feelings with them. Like you made me feel this. Whatever is to say, I'm so sorry you feel that because that allows you to acknowledge that you did not make them feel that way. This is their choice. You're acknowledging that you're sorry that they feel that way, but you are not saying that you created or caused them to feel the way they're human.

Jamie Lerner (00:17:32) - Right? But it goes the other way too. Nobody can cause you to feel that way either. They can acknowledge you feel that way, but. It is never about the other.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:17:45) - It even reminds me of the people who also can't take a compliment because you'll say, oh, Jamie, I love your shirt. And you'll say, Oh, this old thing. And a lot of people do that because they don't feel that loving sense to accept it. But when you don't appreciate a compliment, you're also not honoring the person who's giving you the compliment. This is true. Yes. Well, let's move on to a little something else that you talk about in your book, because this was something that stood out for me when I was reading it, because you talk about procrastination, and I've always believed procrastination is something to be avoided, like the plague. But you make a case that sometimes it's good to procrastinate. 

Jamie Lerner (00:18:42) - I think procrastination is our friend.

Jamie Lerner (00:18:46) - I think it's gotten a bad rap. And I think that when we are procrastinating, it gives us an opportunity to pause and to get into alignment with the task at hand. Nothing good comes from doing something that you feel pressured to do and feel so bad about doing. It just doesn't. But when you give yourself alone and say, okay, I'm just not feeling good about this, so I'm going to come back to it, but I can and do feel the minute you give yourself that pause and ability to kind of take a breath, it's interesting how quickly you do come back around you. And do it with no resistance. To do anything with resistance is usually a big failure. And quite frankly, everyone has their own system. Some people wait until the last minute. That sort of procrastination, that is your personal system of how you get things done. Does it always get done? Yes, it does. Is it a pressure cooker? Maybe that's the way you operate, but. Honor that.

Jamie Lerner (00:19:58) - Accept that. 

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:20:07) - Do you always do it? Because sometimes there are things out there like a new project start or maybe looking for a new job and you find ways to keep from doing it all. Sometimes it never gets done. So then. And then.

Jamie Lerner (00:20:23) - And then it just doesn't get done. Nothing happens and at a certain point it becomes important to you. But you do it because the timing is right or you've given yourself enough room so that you come around to it in a different way, but nothing else. I've been procrastination, believe me, is here for, when my kids were little, I would say they would say, you don't I don't have to do this. And you're like, you're right. You don't have to do it. Would you like to? And they're like, Sure. So, you know, the minute you take the resistance away, I think the quicker you're able to look in it from a different angle at a different moment, in a different time, trust yourself.

Jamie Lerner (00:21:09) - This is where we go to this concept of trust yourself. Know yourself, love yourself. Trust yourself.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:21:17) - So are you saying then that if you don't put the pressure on yourself because the people around you or say, do it or you or say do it, if you don't put the pressure on yourself, then. You will. Just naturally get to that point where you say, okay, well, now ready?

Jamie Lerner (00:21:37) - I think so. It's called alignment thoughts and feelings as one. And when you're in alignment with anything, everything goes. It's just effortless. It's just everything just feels easy. You haven't put any resistance in the equation. And that's kind of like how we had great success. You know, someone is trying to write a book and they're talking about how they're sitting down at the same time every day and they're tired and they can't even get a word done. It's like clearly, you're not in alignment. Like let it go for life. Let it come back to you. You. And they don't.

Jamie Lerner (00:22:17) - It comes back to you when you're allowed to without resistance.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:22:22) - Well, what if you have things that are on deadline?

Jamie Lerner (00:22:25) - Then you reframe the deadline. Because really, what is a deadline? Think the minute we hear deadline, then there's immediate resistance. We feel pressure. So how can you reframe this idea of a deadline and turn it into something where those.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:22:43) - Yeah, that's one I'm going to have to wrap my head around. Having been somebody who thought procrastination is a bad, bad thing. So II will have to defer to that. But one thing I will talk to you about, which I thought was very interesting, is talking about our memories, because there are times when it's good to look back on memories and times when our memories really hold us back. So can you talk a little bit about the difference in that?

Jamie Lerner (00:23:15) - I think that when we look back to reflect on something that was really positive and fun and joyful and happy, think that that's very productive for us and we should do that as often as possible because it creates a very good feeling within it.

Jamie Lerner (00:23:30) - Well, we are looking back on something that is painful and difficult. I ask people to look back. At those things from your here and now adult person. Because if you can do that, it really changes everything about what those moments look like with those moments feel like and you're creating a whole different scenario that is much more reflective of your now.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:24:03) - So a lot of times you talk about events that have happened in our past as events and then the stories that we've. Told ourselves about them, which has created the feeling, but which most of the time into being negative. When we look back at it, completely.

Jamie Lerner (00:24:20) - Blown out of proportion and very determined. So to recreate the entire story or storyline or sentence or tone, it's much easier to do it from our here and now adult perspective.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:24:37) - And with that, would that be the same as rewriting our memories?

Jamie Lerner (00:24:40) - It would be the same as rewriting our stories, that's for sure. And a lot of it, too, is. Especially because over the years these memories have, or thoughts have just gotten bigger and bigger and more exaggerated.

Jamie Lerner (00:24:55) - We live in a society that loves trauma and drama and really encourages people to tell the worst possible things that have happened to themselves. They get a lot of sympathy. And when we diffuse all of that and really bring it back to either what it was or what we can understand it to be in our now, it looks different, feels different, it feels better, but we are not going to get that kind of attention. So it's kind of a choice. Do we want to feel good and begin to really embrace those things that happen to us and turn them into our strengths here or now, which is usually the case, and accentuate that? Or do we just want a huge audience and be a victim of it? And you know, the service.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:25:47) - Listening to you, Jamie, one of the things that really stands out is that making these positive changes is really pretty easy Once we decide to do it, maybe the hard part is deciding to do it.

Jamie Lerner (00:26:04) - And it could just be a tiny little moment each day.

Jamie Lerner (00:26:08) - It doesn't have to be a huge commitment. But when we embrace this with curiosity, love and curiosity and some fun and some good feeling, though it is easy. It's easier.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:26:23) - It didn't set, that's for sure. Well, Jamie, do have any final thoughts for our audience?

Jamie Lerner (00:26:28) - Once again, love yourself, know yourself, trust yourself. No one knows better for you than you.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:26:35) - Well? Quite well. Jamie, how can people find out more about you and your work?

Jamie Lerner (00:26:40) - I have a website www.jamie-lerner.com

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:26:49) - Wonderful. Jamie, thank you so much for being on Dream Power Radio today.

Jamie Lerner (00:26:53) - Thank you for having me.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:26:55) – We’ve been speaking about reconnecting with ourselves with Jamie Lerner. I hope you enjoyed today's program. If so, please hit that subscribe button so you don't miss out on any future episodes. Until next time, this is Debbie Spector Weisman singing Sweet Dreams everybody.

Announcer (00:27:11) - You've been listening to Dream Power Radio with your host, Debbie Spector Weisman. For more information on Debbie or to sign up for her newsletter, go to Dream Power Radio.com. This has been Dream Power Radio.