Announcer (00:00:04) - This is Dream Power Radio, the place where your dreams turn into reality. Here is your host, Debbie Spector Weisman.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:00:13) - Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to Dream Power Radio. I'm your host, Certified Dream-Life Coach Debbie Spector Weisman. This is the place that we talk about dreams, both daytime and nighttime dreams. And how you can use them to make the internal shift to a life you love and rediscover the truth of who you really are. Many years ago, I first heard the expression win/win. It was meant as a way to have successful negotiations in business. But as we've seen, the concept can be used in so many ways, especially when it comes to personal relationships. After all, it seems so obvious, but when another person acts in ways that are good for both of you, you'll both feel better about yourself and about each other. The same could be said about the expression of love, but too often we just don't know how to convey the win/win attitude effectively when it involves affairs of our hearts.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:01:07) - Our words or actions might come across as heavy handed or misguided and end up creating win/lose or lose/lose situations without realizing why. Well, that's where my guest today, author Paul Solman comes in. Paul wrote a book called The Role of Love. It helps explain how the way you love and transform your lives. And he created a companion tool that can help reinforce the way you express your love every single day. Welcome to Dream Power Radio, Paul.
Paul Zolman (00:01:41) - Thank you. Debbie. Such a pleasure to be with you today.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:01:43) - Well, Paul, you write so beautifully about love in your book, but this was something that was missing in your life when you were growing up. Why don't you tell us about that?
Paul Zolman (00:01:53) - I grew up in a more of abusive type family. Debbie, my grandfather had some issues with, I don't know, just decision making. But in the late 18, early 1900s, he married and had nine children in Indiana. And while he's in Indiana, after that ninth child, the wife passes away.
Paul Zolman (00:02:14) - He'd be distraught, like anybody would be distraught of losing their spouse, but so distraught that he decided he was making major decisions. He decided to sell the farm, sell all the equipment. When people came to the auction, he said something like, and would you like this child? And would you like this child? And would you like this child? And he systematically gave all the children away except for one. Well, what did that he did? He took Benjamin with him to Montana, found a schoolteacher that had never been married, married her, had ten more children, of which my father's number six. So 19 children. My father was born in 1922. And when he's ten years old, this grandfather of mine, his father passes away. So 1932, you're in the middle of the depression. The great Depression. Now you've got 19 children abandoned and you've got economic issues. My grandmother, I remember her as the sweetest person ever. I just remember feeling her love whenever I went there to visit her.
Paul Zolman (00:03:20) - But my father somehow because of these hardships of his life. never went past eighth grade. So he started learning about mechanics and eventually became a decent mechanic as well as a truck driver. He didn't have 19 children, he only had 11, only 11. And I only had eight. But anyway, my father being gone during the week as a truck driver came home on the weekends. One thing I really liked about my father is that he dated my mother every single Friday. Every Friday. I don't ever remember him ever missing that. He wasn't very creative about the date. It was always the maverick bar, and it was always over alcohol. So I can imagine I was never there. But I can imagine my mother disclosing how her week went, with my father disclosing how his week went, as couples do the catch up after they've been away from each other for a while. And I can imagine my mother starting at the oldest. Most of them were boys and I'm the lone thorn between two roses. I have an older sister and a younger sister, but all the rest are boys.
Paul Zolman (00:04:27) - So boys will be boys and they're like puppies. When puppies are wrestling with each other, they're pawn each other and they're hitting each other. And sometimes my brothers would break bones, not mine, but they break bones. And so I can see my father in his imbibed state, becoming annoyed and annoyed and annoyed and annoyed and as my mother's going down, down by the time he's she's to number ten, he's really annoyed. He's ready to blow. And I got that from him. And I feel like that. I'm not saying I was the only victim, but I got a lot of that wrath because of the annoyances of all the older brothers. And so there was a belt or as a severe spanking. It's what happened. I remember one time, Debbie, that I was spanked so severely, that I was black and blue for about three weeks. It was a time that there weren't a lot of safety nets there. There weren't a lot of agencies out there. So I just tried to be the best person I could be.
Paul Zolman (00:05:30) - But it came to the point that when I'm 17 years old, I decide I'm going to leave this place. I think there's something better out there. And I left home at age 17 to go live with my brother for a little bit. I was just after my junior year of high school. I did not graduate from high school at that time. I did my senior year on the road. So while I'm on the road, I'm just my visiting with my brother and living with him for a while. He's got the same issues, but he's being a very good father. But he'll get annoyed. You'll get annoyed, he'll get annoyed, he'll stack all these annoyances and then he'll flash. And then when I started having children, I realized I had the same problem. I said to myself, Debbie, I want to not be angry. And when you say double negatives like that, double negatives multiplied together in math equal a positive doesn't work like that in relationships. Just doesn't won't happen. So I thought, I've got to figure out how to get rid of this anger, this residual anger.
Paul Zolman (00:06:36) - At age 35, I was still blaming my father for social awkwardness. You can imagine someone blowing up in the public being angry in public. Well, a couple of times that was me. Until I realized, oh, the people I came with don't want to be around me. They don't want to know. They don't want to be known with me while I'm in that state. Neither did my family. So you kind of isolate yourself in that way? I didn't want to do that either. Some searching, trying to figure out how to do this. I believe, Debbie, that this quality that I kind of was generationally passed down was part of the demise of my first marriage.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:07:15) - Paul, was there a defining moment when you realized that love was the transformation?
Paul Zolman (00:07:20) - My older sister calls and she says, I've got a neighbor I want to introduce to you. I said, you're seven hours away. I'm done destination dating. I don't want to do that again. She said, oh, come on.
And you got to remember, I'm number ten of 11 children. Whatever the older siblings decide, that's what you kind of got to do. And so I said, okay, I'll start emailing her. Okay. What kind of relationship can it get with email? I thought it was safe enough, but actually it was very fun. She was a very good writer and so we kind of got close. And then I started visiting her and decided to move up where my sister was. The relationship came to the point that we're very serious about each other. And so it's time for now, Big Brother approval. I take her up to my big brother and 300 miles north, and first thing that happens, we go in the house, set my sister-in-law pulls it aside and says, the only emotion that the Zolman family learned growing up was anger. At first, I said, oh, denied it. Then I had, I thought, busted. And I realized at that point in time that this was really kind of a paradigm shift, that if there was any possibility to change that perception of this old family, now was the time to make that change.
Paul Zolman (00:08:36) - And it was. So I started reading the color code and then settled on the five love languages. As I'm reading the five languages, I'm loving the principles of it, but I don't get the application. You may not. Debbie, I'm supposed to guess what love language you are and cater to that. I didn't grow up with love and that didn't sound like love either, though. And then the second thing that Dr. Chapman has says, well, if you take this survey, then you'll be able to find out what your love language is. What do you do with that, Debbie? I advertise hello, Debbie. I'm gifts. What do you have for me today? But it's just. That was ridiculous, too. That didn't sound like love to me. I liked the principles because Dr. Chapman, in his five love language book, said that those principles are those love languages reconciled to the life of Jesus Christ. I was a believer and still am. I thought that that would be something very helpful if I could learn to be more like him.
Paul Zolman (00:09:31) - So I thought, you know what? One of the things when I was in this, even in this dysfunctional family, one of the things that brought us together as a family was games. Even as we played games were together as family. And it was fun, even though there was still a smack talk and the putdowns, everything, that was still a good time. So I thought, what if I could make this a game? So I contacted Dr. Chapman and asked him, are you licensing those little pictures, those little icons for the love languages? And his attorney wrote me back and said, no, I'm not doing that. And I said, okay. I thought, well, I got to talk to my attorney here and find out what I could do because I thought had this idea. My attorney said that theory, like the love language theory, is not copyrightable. Application is. So the application of doing it as a game, they weren't doing that. So I was able to create my own little icons and then put it on a die.
Paul Zolman (00:10:29) - This is what it looks like. It's just about one inch by one inch where your listeners right now I'm holding a die. The die in front of me, this is a hand holding a gift. I'm turning it now. There's two hands touching. So gifts. This one is touch. There are the words. There's service services. Someone holding a platter. And then the last one is time I got a hand with an hourglass on the hand. So those are the five love languages. Six sides on the die. This will surprise me. So there's just two instructions. Debbie, you roll the die every day. That's the love language you practice giving away all day that day. So over a 30-day period, you have given away all five love language. But just so that you can see it when it comes your way and respond appropriately. What I found is that I was thinking, while I was getting annoyed and annoyed and annoyed and annoyed and flashing, is that I was thinking, what's wrong with that person? And outside of my lane, I was trying to pass judgment on someone else of something I have absolutely no control over.
Paul Zolman (00:11:34) - I realized that and realized that, well, what do I have control over? I have control over sending love out, and I have control over how I react when it comes my way. Those are the only two things I have control over. I don't have any control over how someone does something, and so it really shouldn't be getting annoyed at that or complain about that. So I stopped getting annoyed because I'm now rolling the die. I'm watching for what's right about that person. What can I love about that person? And I'm helping that person have a good day when they light up. That's what I'm watching for when they light up. That's probably what their primary love language is. And you don't have to put the survey in front of a little more and say, did you take this survey? So I know how to love you. You don't have to do that anymore. Just watch. Just use your observation skills. Long story. Sorry it was so long. That's kind of where I'm at.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:12:30) - Okay, well, that is great. Well, at that point now we are going to take a short break. We are speaking all about love with Paul Zolman, and we'll be right back.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:13:23) - Yes. Welcome back to Dream Power Radio. I'm your host, Debbie Spector Weisman. And we're talking all about love with Paul Zolman. So, Paul, you created this little love die. It was a companion to your book so that people could go out and use it for themselves.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:13:39) - I play around with it myself. It's it is kind of fun because you kind of set the intention for the day, whether it was actually, giving love to my spouse or just being in that mood of feeling love in my heart. So do you find it that that holds true as well?
Paul Zolman (00:14:00) - Absolutely. And Dr. Chapman would suggest that you only do it to your significant other. Debbie, I created this when I was single, so I didn't really didn't have a significant other. So thought, what am I going to do? And I just thought, well, why not just send love out to everyone? And I think it's been really beneficial that that had that necessity necessities, kind of the mother of invention. It really helped me have a consistency of sending love out every single day. And that is just that. I think that helps me grow character wise. It's actually helped me replace that. That stacking event that I had that would make me flare or be angry.
Paul Zolman (00:14:43) - And instead the new mindset is what's right about that person. What can I love about that person? And with that, I am so busy I have no time to talk about what's wrong with that person. I have no time to say what that person just cut me off and thinking of other things that are more positive in that way.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:15:04) - When you replace anger with love, the anger will diminish over time. Absolutely.
Paul Zolman (00:15:11) - But what I've found, Debbie, is which has been really kind of interesting, I've just found this over the last couple of months, is that now I'm taking these love languages that I'm stacking, I'm stacking, I'm stacking, I'm stacking to the point that it's gives to the higher laws of love. These are just the basics. The love languages are really very basic. You've got that basic foundation. Then you can get to the compassion. You can get to the empathy. You can get to the charity; you can get to the forgiveness. But you have to have those basics down first and then you stack those basics.
Paul Zolman (00:15:46) - Just like I was stacking anger. I'm stacking now love and get into the higher laws by that stacking effect that way.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:15:54) - Speaking of that, how does judgment affect our ability to love?
Paul Zolman (00:15:59) - I think that if you're thinking that someone should do something a different way, you're actually elevating yourself above them. Love's not like that at all. I really think that love is more of an equal thing. We're all children of God. We're all children. We all have a creator. We're all equal in that way. And I think even the Constitution, United States that all men are created equal. I really think that that's what it means. It's not that we're equal in talents. It means that we're created in an equal way. And I think that if we focus on that and think of that, that this person has value, what is that value? And watch for the good things. You know, I'd like to compare it to a magnifying glass that whatever you magnify is going to grow bigger. And if you magnify the faults of another.
Paul Zolman (00:16:50) - And I made this made this mistake as a parent, sometimes I'd really upset some things the kids were doing, and I was focusing on the mistake, and I said, oh, it took me a while, step back and said, instead of focusing on mistakes, let's focus on what they did right and make that grow bigger. And once I started doing that, they're kids. They're going to make mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes. We quit focusing on that. Focus on the good that we can do that good is going to grow and it's just going to be a better, better circumstance. Better world we live in. Our homes are going to be better. Our communities are going to be better. Our state's nation is going to be a whole lot better by focusing on the good that people are doing.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:17:34) - And it starts with one person. One person spreading that. And then somebody, somebody looks at them and says, hey, you look so happy, and you look great -- what's your secret? And it gets to the next person, the next person, the next person.
Paul Zolman (00:17:50) - Absolutely. And if you're sending love out that way too, and you're making people's day, they're going to be so happy. They're going to make the days for people in their circles of influence. And it's interesting to me that that anger sent out and making people miserable is actually the fodder for nightmares, not dreams. I think that love is great fodder for really good dreams, that people really have nice dreams when they feel loved. And I think that it's kind of a good material. Things that happened during the day that are happy could help you to have a happy dream. Things that are angry are going to have help. You have a nightmare. And when you're talking about dreams, you want better dreams.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:18:38) - Exactly. So do you have dreams about love?
Paul Zolman (00:18:41) - Occasionally do. Occasionally just don't. Yeah, I just have dreams of people being kind and peaceful to each other, rather than any road rage rather than any violence in the school. Just being more kind to each other. And in many ways, I think that dreams also can be interpreted as inspiration.
Paul Zolman (00:19:04) - Maybe it's just a little whispering of sorts. And the whispering that I've had is just a little bit, little by little over the time of the whole development of this die in the book and then a journal. And one of the whisperings is that one of the dreams is that I will take this to the school level, that in the classroom, at the beginning of the day, I'm talking probably K through six for now, but put it in the classroom at the beginning of day. It takes two seconds to roll the die. Maybe another 30s for the teacher to say class. We're watching for this type of behavior, these types of opportunities today, at the end of the day. Then I've prepared actually a journal page. This is in a journal book. They can record what they rolled, what opportunities they saw to love in that way, and what they did about those opportunities. In essence, what we're doing is we're training these children to be accountable for their own actions, and they have to report, at the end of the day, in the test school that I have it in.
Paul Zolman (00:20:11) - I'm collaborating with a local franchisee of Yogurt Land. And if they'll do that journal for 15 days of the month, they're going to give them five ounces of yogurt for free. If they do it for 25 days, which is kind of right in the middle between 21 to 28 days is what they say that it takes for a habit to form. If we can get these kids in the habit of loving and watch it for opportunities, love, and then reporting about that, they're going to have that habit of just being responsible to send out love all day long, every day. And if we can get to that point, at this yogurt led franchise, you get ten ounces of yoga for free. So we've got a little incentive program here. I think if they can carry that through their primary school years into the middle school years, and then it is the senior school year or the secondary school year, they can do that. I think they've got a great basis for their life. They're just going to be more loving individuals.
Paul Zolman (00:21:20) - It's going to tamp down a lot of that misbehaving, tamp down a lot of that, that that violence that we're seeing in school system right now. And I think that the principals might be out of business. We won't need to also.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:21:34) - Yes, that is a fantastic idea. So you said you were testing, and this is actually being tested right now. It is. And have you gotten any results yet?
Paul Zolman (00:21:44) - We do. There are actually out of four classrooms there were two, two individuals that was only half a month in August anyway, but for there were two individuals that did it for at least 15 days in the month of August. So two individuals, they got their yogurt coupons. And so, when the class, other class sees that sort of thing, obviously they're going to be motivated. I think that there's yet another thing that could motivate them, that the teachers themselves and the parents can help, but the teachers themselves should quickly read those journal pages that the kids are writing, and when they when the kids hand it in, they'll do get a check.
Paul Zolman (00:22:26) - The teacher will do a check mark whether they did it or not. Not a grade because it's really subjective, but a checkmark, whether they did it or not, if they did it, then what? They and they have a good story on there. I think the teacher should read that story maybe the next day or within a couple of days of what Johnny did. This is what Johnny, what Johnny saw and experienced, that Johnny saw that highlight that child so that that child can feel good. And then the other children will see what an example good examples of love looks like. I think the more that we focus on what good examples of love looks like, the more ingrained it'll be in these children's mind. That's really the kind of person we want to be. And that's all we have control over what?
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:23:14) - You're right. What a world it would be if we taught love in schools the way we teach math or English or science or any those other subjects.
Paul Zolman (00:23:24) - And it's really innocuous because you're talking about 30s at the beginning of the day. And the last 15, 10 to 15 minutes of the day is not productive. I've talked with teachers around the world, Debbie, , every single one says that the kids are anxious. It's the end of the day. They know the bell is going to ring. They know that they can't really get in trouble because no one wants to stay after school. The teacher, even if they get in trouble, who's a teacher going to stay after? It's not going to happen. So they're really kind of rambunctious that take that non-productive time and create a more productive time where they're keeping a journal. What would happen if that first grader at the end of the year that parents kept all those pages bounded? Now the first grader has a journal for first grade, a love journal. Who did they love? I know that I loved my first-grade teacher because I remember her name, Mrs. Rogers. I wanted to. Now that I think about that, I want to know what did I love about her? And if I had a little love journal that I'd written during that time, I'd know what it was that I cared about her so much.
Paul Zolman (00:24:31) - My sixth-grade teacher. Same thing, Mrs. Robbins, I knew. I know her name. I just remember her name. I remember being just caring for her. And she must have cared a lot about me as well. I wanted to know those feelings. And I think that with this, we're going to create a journal for those kids that they'll have a love journal of what it was like during your first through sixth grade.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:24:55) - And what a gift that is. And especially it's exercising, it's building up their love muscle, for a lack of a better way to express it. And then also something to look back on because they're always going to be times where, you have a bad relationship or things are down. You could always look at that and be reminded, yes, I am lovable. I am loving. I deserve love. And what a gift that is to have that in your in the core of your being.
Paul Zolman (00:25:27) - Absolutely. And just think of your own children that you grow up and they'll have children and then they'll have children. Just something passed down like that would be a love legacy journal. I wish I had something like that from my mother. Instead, I've got a journal about the weather. The weather 60 years ago. Who cares about the weather 60 years ago? If I wanted to know about that, I could read the almanac. And you? Would love a love journal.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:25:56) - Oh, that would be fantastic. Oh, you also believe in looking for opportunities to love. So what do you mean by this? And can you give me a brief example of what happened to you when you were looking for opportunities for love?
Paul Zolman (00:26:10) - So when I say that I just mean in the course of your day, you're going to meet with people or you're going to be in circumstances that that those could be opportunities for love. So you're just on the on the lookout. You're just watching for opportunities to express love in whatever way that you rolled on the day, that day. So you're just trying to focus on you're trying to really get to know, what is this love language? How could I express it that day? That's how you get to the point using this over a 30-day period.
Paul Zolman (00:26:43) - That's how you get to the point that you love languages backwards and forwards. Become what I like to call that love language. The linguist sexy title I know you want it; everybody wants that title. And when you put that on your resume, that employer is going to say, what the heck is a love language linguist? And you're going to say, I just love people. They want their customers loved and they want a loving environment within the workplace. Your resume most likely would rise to the top as well.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:27:10) - Paul, how can people find out more about you and your work?
Paul Zolman (00:27:14) - They can find it on my websites. I do actually have a special one on. They can get the book. The journal and the dye in a in a bundle package for 29.99 on special. Right now that's a whole lot less than even one therapy session. So this is what will kind of sustain you if you are in therapy. They'll sustain you through therapy sessions that you have something to do every single day to be a better person.
Paul Zolman (00:27:44) - That's that role of love, of love. You actually did a play on words there, Debbie. He rolls the die, you roll the die, but roll and that's outside of you. Roll, roll is inside of you. This is going to change you within. It's going to make you a better person and hopefully and make it more loving for those that are around you as well.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:28:10) - Well, Paul, thank you so much for being on Dream Power Radio today.
Paul Zolman (00:28:14) - Thank you so much, Debbie. It's been my pleasure.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:28:17) - Hey, we've been speaking about expressing love with author Paul Zolman. I hope you enjoyed today's program. If so, please hit that subscribe button so you don't miss out on any future episodes. Until next time, this is Debbie Spector Weisman saying sweet dreams, everybody.
Announcer (00:28:33) - You've been listening to Dream Power Radio with your host, Debbie Spector Weisman. For more information on Debbie or to sign up for her newsletter. Go to Dream Power Radio.com. This has been Dream Power Radio.