Announcer (00:00:04) - This is Dream Power Radio. The place where your dreams turn into reality. Here is your host, Debbie Spector Weisman.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:00:13) - Hello, hello, hello and welcome to Dream Power Radio. I'm your host, Certified Dream-Life Coach Debbie Spector Weisman. This is the place where we talk about dreams, both daytime and nighttime dreams, and how you can use them to make the internal shift to a life you love and rediscover the truth of who you really are. When was the last time you checked out your social media. Come on, don't cheat. I bet it was earlier today... maybe even right before you started listening to this podcast. And maybe a few of you even have it open right now, am I right? If we don't watch ourselves, we can become slaves to the online platforms we read. Sure, it's fun to catch up on the doings of our high school and college friends, and to check out the latest adorable videos. But there's a dark side to this as well as all of you probably know.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:01:09) - Those photos of vacations will never be able to afford. Beautiful bodies we'll never diet hard enough to achieve. Job successes that appear way out of reach. Seeing too much of these can make a slight case of envy turn into esteem issues or even depression. Nobody really wants to go there, but the lure of cyberspace can be addictive if we don't watch ourselves. All of this came to mind as I was thinking about my guest today, author Allie Dalsimer. She's had a successful professional career with lots of accomplishments that might make you jealous if you saw them on social media. And yet, like most of those who post shiny images behind the facade, she's also had her share of loss, sadness and disappointment. She's written about all this in her new book, It's Okay Not to Be Fabulous Every Day, which includes her thoughts on how to be the best person you could be no matter what life throws at you. Welcome to Dream Power Radio, Ali.
Ally Dalsimer (00:02:08) - Thank you so much, Debbie. I'm very pleased to be here.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:02:11) - Allie, you say upfront in your book that it's not a typical self-improvement book. So how is it different?
Ally Dalsimer (00:02:19) - When I first wrote the book, it was about twice as long as it is now, and I just kept cutting and cutting and cutting because the reality is that I hate self-improvement books. I hate self-help books. You have two 3400 pages of how to do X, Y, Z, or you know who to follow or what to do or habits to have. I couldn't always get through the books, and two, I always felt worse after reading them. I think I'm like, oh my God, I can't even do what's in this step-by-step guide. So clearly, I'm a failure. And I just don't think all of that is necessary because each of us is so individual. But there are some core things. And so I just really tried to get to those core things and try to put it into an easily digestible, nugget-based format. So the book is 1 or 2 pages, and then it's a new chapter and 1 or 2 pages and people pick it up, they put it down.
Ally Dalsimer (00:03:22) - I have one friend who uses it as a devotional. She just reads a different section every day when she gets up. And I think what's different about it is one, it's not preachy. Two, it doesn't lay out your roadmap for success. What it does do is get at the heart of so many things that we all experience, which include self-doubt and insecurities, and it takes you on a journey through self-acceptance and understanding, and hopefully brings you out to self-love and fulfillment of your dreams.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:03:59) - I have to tell you, it is so true. So many books are hundreds and hundreds of pages, and mostly it's fluff, and you have to dig down to get to the core of it. And when you do, you find out it's all these things that you have to be. You're either a magician or some kind of miracle worker to be able to get through it and do it all. So you're right, you do get down to the nitty gritty. So I want to talk about some of these things that you talk about.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:04:25) - One of them is that we've all had those times that we feel overwhelmed with tasks and to do lists. And it's almost like the paralysis of analysis. There's so many things, we just end up doing nothing. So what's the best way to tackle items that we have to do without making a mess of everything?
Ally Dalsimer (00:04:43) - Yeah, that's a great question. And I think it's something that all of us can relate to. And each of us probably has our own way that works. I have found for myself and for people I've talked with, sometimes the easiest thing to do is to tackle the low hanging fruit. Do those simple tasks that you can get out of the way so that you can focus on the significant things that you need to work on, that you just have too much mind clutter or emotional clutter to deal with. Having said that, there are people, and I consider them the high achievers, the truly Type-A.
Ally Dalsimer (00:05:21) - And it's the Mark Twain quote if you have a frog to eat in the morning, eat it first thing. Or if you have a frog to eat in the day, eat it first thing. And if you have to eat the bigger one first. And I think there are some people who feel they've got to tackle the big things and forget about everything else. I don't think any other approach really works. You either get rid of the scatter in the noise and focus on the task, or you ignore the scattering noise and focus on the task. Personally, I can't ignore the scatter and noise. I just get overwhelmed by everything and so I tend to just try to eliminate. I remember when I was writing my thesis for my master's, I just couldn't write it. I had data, I had my analysis, I had my sources, I couldn't write it. So I decided to start with the thank yous. And then I decided to put together my bibliography, and then I put together my appendices and so on and so on. And when there was nothing else to do, I wrote the paper.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:06:13) - And it's definitely one way to do it. But you bring up an important point, which is that we are all different. We all do have our best ways of getting to where we want to go. I mean, I had one guest on not too recently who told me that procrastination is a good thing and I'm thinking, you mean procrastination? I mean, it was a horrible thing, but she had her reasons for why that was an effective way to deal with things. And it gets me now to talking about those things that we might call standards. You know, this is the way you should do it. This is the way you should be and talk about how those kinds of things can end up being more self-defeating than self-empowering.
Ally Dalsimer (00:06:52) - Absolutely. I mean, you've read my book. You know, that is something that I have dealt with and continue to deal with the expectations of others. You had a guest on not long ago who talked about how you can have all the trappings of success. You can go do this great job, and you're making money, and everyone thinks you're fabulous on the outside.
Ally Dalsimer (00:07:11) - And yet on the inside you're unhappy, you're a mess. And that's kind of part of what my book speaks to a little bit. Because you can't be fabulous every day. It's just not possible. And you can't let other people dictate your happiness or your goals. And I talk a little bit about how, as hard as it is, sometimes you have to eliminate negative people from your lives, people who bring you down and don't bring you up. And that can be especially hard if you've had a longtime friend or colleague or even a family member. And that doesn't mean you have to say, I never want to see you again, but it does mean you don't spend so much time with them and you don't seek out their advice, and you don't rely on them in the same way because it's good to get input from people. But in the end, you have to listen to your inner voice, your gut, and you've had people talk about that inner voice. There's something there. Because in the end, only you know what is right for you.
Ally Dalsimer (00:08:10) - And allowing other people to dictate your standard of success is just wrong. It's not okay. I had some professional colleagues who'd be like, oh, stay at home mom, what are they doing with their lives? Well, they're raising children, which is the most important job in the entire world. And just because they don't want to go to work and slave at a desk every day doesn't mean that what they're doing is less important. And if it's self-fulfilling, it's got to be the most valuable thing in the world. But at the same time, those same people might be like, how can these people leave their children, to go off into an office? Well, maybe that's where they can do the most good, and maybe they're just not the kind of person who can be with their children 24/7, especially when they're small. That takes a lot of patience. And we're all built for different things, and we're all wired for different activities and standards and success.
Ally Dalsimer (00:09:05) - Personally, I think is achieved when you are happy, when you are truly happy and fulfilled, you are successful. And that's my definition of success. And I think it's a good one.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:09:17) - It is a good one. I mean, when most people these days in this society to find successes how big your paycheck is. And that's not always the case, especially if you're in a job like that where you're making good money, but you're so stressful and fearful that you're going to lose your job or whatever. You're not as happy as the person who is home raising children, which, by the way, is a job that if it were a paid job would pay a lot of money. So it's all very important. But a little bit earlier, you're talking about listening to your inner voice and how important it is. But what if you have conflicting voices? Which one do you listen to? How do you figure out which is right?
Ally Dalsimer (00:09:58) - Yeah, I think of it as a heart mind conflict or maybe a gut heart conflict.
Right? Your heart is saying one thing. You've got to sing another. You want to follow both. And I think that's where it helps to talk with people who you really trust. Maybe it's your spouse, or maybe it's your friend since kindergarten. Or maybe it's your child or your parent. Whoever that trusted advisor is for you, the one person who you know will be honest with you and not say, hey, what do I need to do here? But to say I'm conflicted whether I should turn left, right. What do you think? Can we talk about it like, let's discuss the pros and cons together. I remember when, years ago, I was in a job, and I made decent money. I was miserable, it was a horrible commute. It was very stressful because I didn't get enough time to spend with my family. I had no social life because I was just working all the time. And I got a job offer out of the blue and I was like, oh, that's so funny.
Ally Dalsimer (00:11:01) - Whatever. Ignored it. And then I over the span of two weeks, I had three more job offers, and I was telling this to this woman, and she was like, the universe is speaking to you. And I was like, oh. Oh my gosh. You got a person speaking to me. So that was an eye opener for me. I was so focused in my little niche and my day-to-day grind and what I was doing, I wasn't able to take a step back, seeing the forest for the trees. And so to get to your point, I went to my husband, and I was like, I've created this spreadsheet . Look. So it's total Type-A, right? I created this spreadsheet with the pros and the cons, and I've listed on my jobs and my current job and this job and this job and this job. And I went along, and he looked at me. He's like, well, don't you hate your current commute? I was like, yes.
Ally Dalsimer (00:11:44) - When I went and I said, I've been offered another job, they of course offered me a raise and a promotion. Which, you know if they had valued me, they would have offered it before. And I said, yes, I hate it. And then he said, well, and this other company, didn't you have a negative experience with, you know, with them on a particular incident? I was like, yeah, I did. And then you said and as far as this one, I mean, you'd be required to work from home. We've got a small home. Where exactly are you going to set up your office, and how are you going to keep the kids out? I was I think that's a good point. He's like, well, I don't understand the question because there's only one left. I was like, right, right. So there was one, only one choice. I was just so close. And so I think if you're in a situation where you're conflicted, seek outside advice, but in a discussion form, not gonna tell me what to do more.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:12:28) - Yeah, it's a very important distinction because in the end, it has to be the decision that you feel in both your heart and your mind, and not that somebody is dictating to you. Let's say when we are in a position where in your case it was a job offer, but somebody else is having a life choice they have to make. What are the types of questions that we should be asking ourselves in order to really figure out what we want?
Ally Dalsimer (00:12:54) - I think the first and most important question, and sometimes it takes closing your eyes and centering, or going for a walk or doing whatever it is where you can find your mind peace, your quiet place, and where you can listen to your inner voice. When you can really feel that and ask yourself what makes you happy? Because I really believe that if you are happy, you will be successful because it just works out that way.
Ally Dalsimer (00:13:32) - You know, George Burns was famous for saying when he was on his 90th birthday, why are you still working? Why are you still doing comedy? And he was like because I love it. And if they're going to keep paying me, why wouldn't I keep doing it? Because I would keep doing it if they paid me or not. You know, that's a man who is truly successful and happy. And I think that if you're facing a really tough life choice and certainly, I don't mean to minimize because there are some very tough life choices that people have to make, and you have to give them considered thought. The first question really is what is going to make me happy, genuinely happy regardless of what anybody else thinks? And if you're still conflicted, then talk. Just have a conversation. See where it goes because you don't know how that conversation is going to go. I certainly want to ask. My husband didn't know he was going to be like, well, I don't understand the question. I always thought he was going to give me advice on like, well, this pays better, and this is this. And no, he didn't do that at all. He just stripped everything down for me.
Ally Dalsimer (00:14:23) - And so I think that you might be surprised, or people might be surprised how conversations go. If you're open to hearing other people's perspectives because it's very hard when it's you to get that distance.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:14:36) - That's great advice and a great note on which to end this section. We are speaking with Ally Dalsimer about why it's okay not to be fabulous every day. And we'll be right back.
Announcer (00:15:25) - Welcome back to Dream Power Radio with your host, Debbie Specter Weisman.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:15:31) - Yes. Welcome back to Dream Power Radio. I'm your host, Debbie Spector Weisman, and we're talking about life issues with Ally Dalsimer. Well, Ally, in my introduction, I was talking about all these fabulous people on social media who post all of these wonderful things about their lives. And very often it is a facade. So is it wise to put up a facade of being strong when we're falling apart inside?
Ally Dalsimer (00:16:00) - That's a really good question. I did that for years and I think there is some benefit to it, but only in terms of a self-defense with people you don't know. You don't want strangers thinking that you are some sort of weak target. Sadly, there are a lot of not nice people out there, and frankly, it's nobody's business who doesn't know you what the specifics of your struggles may be. Although you know, especially young people, they put such personal detail out there. It's crazy. So I think there is some benefit to that, but I don't think it's mentally or emotionally healthy to do that, to put forward a facade of everything's fabulous and not have somebody know that you need help, you need a friend, you need to talk to somebody.
Ally Dalsimer (00:16:55) - You have to let your inner circle in on your true state of being. And sometimes that is putting something on Facebook with your friends only. Not a public comment. That's like, I'm not having a great day. Would love some positive energy and put that out there. That's okay. It's interesting you brought that up because I have a friend and I had I had breakfast with her last week, and I commented on these amazing photos she had put up of her travel to Europe. She'd gone to Europe with her kids and her husband, and it was like, wow, this is so amazing. You look like you had such a great time and she said, yeah, well, those photos and it turns out she's actually considering divorce. She's emotionally drained and it was important that she shared that with me. She put those photos up for some of her friends and more distant family so they can see what she's going on, you know, she's what she's up to and whatever. That's great.
Ally Dalsimer (00:17:55) - It actually made me feel good because she did say that she had been rereading my book, and it was helping her just to accept her current situation and not feel like she's a failure, because she really has done everything she could. And I put a post up the other day, and it was, if you do your best, there is nothing else you can do. You've done your best. You should be proud of that. And if it doesn't hit the mark in terms of somebody else's estimation, well, that's on that, because if you've done your best, you should feel good about that and that really, genuinely nothing more you can do than your trust. So in terms of posting in social media and seeing what other people are up there, it's important to understand that people have many reasons for posting what they do, and also that while it's okay to post those hey, things are great kind of shots and whatever for public consumption, and it really has to be genuine with those who are close to you because none of us can survive alone.
Ally Dalsimer (00:18:52) - There's been countless studies. People are social creatures, and we need each other, and we need those social support networks.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:19:00) - Absolutely. And that brings up the subject of communication, because a lot of people find it hard to have those kinds of conversations, even with close friends. It's something that I struggled with for years, which was asking for help. The hardest thing I had to learn was to ask for help.
Ally Dalsimer (00:19:20) - Yeah, we were definitely raised that that's a sign of weakness. Weren't we asking for help as a sign of weakness? Crying is a sign of weakness. Fortunately, young people don't have those same barriers, which is nice for them. For those of us in the not under 20 bracket, we do struggle. We do struggle with that. And I have found that communication is easier when I close my eyes and don't actually have to look at someone, I'm having a conversation with them. I'll say, I can't. I just can't look at you right now, and I have to close my eyes and say the words.
Ally Dalsimer (00:19:49) - I don't know why that is, but it works for me. And I think there are strategies that can work. It is very hard to communicate honestly and openly because it makes you vulnerable and you can be hurt. But nothing ventured, nothing gained. You have put yourself out there, have to risk it. You have to take those emotional risks if you are going to move forward for emotional and psychological healing.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:20:16) - That is so true. And yet something that I think stops a lot of people from doing that or doing other things that in their heart they know they should do, but their monkey mind is stopping them, is fear. We can never eliminate fear. We have fear for a reason. But how do we handle it?
Ally Dalsimer (00:20:39) - That's a tough question, and I think that if there was a one size fits all answer to that, it wouldn't still be an issue. Everybody has to deal with their fears in their own way because everybody's fears developed uniquely. And finding the courage to move forward.
Ally Dalsimer (00:20:57) - I think it's based on something. Several of the folks that you have interviewed talked about was you have to really want it, and they've talked about that in different contexts. They've talked about it in terms of success or achieving goals or whatever it is. But the fact of the matter is, regardless of what you're doing, have to really want it. And if you really want to face and conquer your fears, if you really want that, you will find a way that works for you. Because what works for me or what works for Debbie doesn't work for Jane or Bob because your fears are so personal. They come from personal experiences, they come from tragedies and trauma and everybody's fingerprints individual on that. So the bottom line, the core on that, I think you have to really want it. If you want to face your fears, you will find a way to do it.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:21:48) - Very important point. Another thing that often keeps a lot of people stuck is regret. What are your thoughts about regret?
Ally Dalsimer (00:21:58) - Yeah, so one of my favorite commercials from like years and years ago was the Snickers commercial, and I typed the football thing at the end and like, no regrets or it's a tattoo. That's what it was. It says no regerts. Which is just I thought, so clever because obviously that person will regret that tattoo. And that's so hard, right? Because regret is based on should a coulda was right. Should I done this, could have done that, would have done this and should have cut orders. Will eat you up, regrets eat you up. And again, they're very personal. And sometimes the first step to overcoming regrets is to admit personal wrong. Because we don't regret things that we did right. We regret things that we either didn't do or that we did wrong. And self-accountability is hard. It's really hard. No one wants to admit that they really screwed up. But I think that's the first step to dealing with regret. And it's so important to do. There's the saying, sadness and regret are our twin thieves that rob us of today's happiness. And I believe that. I believe that wholeheartedly. I still I have regrets. I'm not going to discuss them, of course, but every day I work on them and understand that they were my actions that led to those results.
Ally Dalsimer (00:23:27) - And I need to embrace that and accept it. And once we get to full acceptance, then those regrets go away. It's a journey. It's a journey.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:23:36) - It certainly is. And I guess regret would fall under the broad category of negative emotions, just like fear talked about earlier. And you call negative emotions a call for action. In what way?
Ally Dalsimer (00:23:52) - I believe that if you feel bad in some way, you feel sadness. You feel regret, you feel fear, some negative emotion. Then something is not right in your life. And I also say positive emotions are reward for going the right way. So you know. I talked about the fact that I deal with my regrets every day. The more that I feel like you know what I did that it's done. I'm moving on. And here's what I can do going forward to ensure that doesn't happen again. And in some cases, to try and make up for mistakes I've made. And I feel good doing that and therefore I believe that I'm going the right way.
Ally Dalsimer (00:24:38) - So if you're feeling a negative emotion of some kind, you're feeling fear, you're feeling sad, you're feeling regret, whatever that negative emotion is. It's your brain's way of saying, get your butt in gear. Fix the problem. If you're doing that 9 to 5 and you're making 100, 150, whatever the you know, salaries are to that, I don't know. People make millions of dollars, you're making millions of dollars doing whatever you're doing, and you hate it every day and every morning you wake up thinking, oh God, just get me through this day. Stop. Change gears. Find something where you can wake up every morning and go. I am so excited to do this today. And I woke up Saturday morning and it was rainy and cloudy and gross. And I had a message from a friend who's like, I don't feel like doing anything today. And I was like, it is rainy and cloudy and cloudy and gross, and I'm going to sit on my armchair and I'm going to write today, and I wrote for the entire day.
Ally Dalsimer (00:25:32) - It was awesome, and I was excited to do that. That's how I know that I have finally found what I like doing. And if you keep pushing forward, forward, forward, sideways, sometimes a little back up. But if you keep moving towards that direction where you are finding yourself increasingly less sad, scared, unhappy, more happy, joyful, satisfied, then you're going in the right direction.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:26:00) - That's for sure. Can anyone really be a success without having self-love?
Ally Dalsimer (00:26:08) - No, that's a really good point. That's a really good point. And then I talked a little bit about that in the journey of the book. I think that's the root of it. Right? That's, you have self-doubt, you have unhappiness, you have fear, you have regrets. They all come from feeling inadequate in some way and not loving yourself. And the first step towards truly loving yourself, of course, is just accepting who you are and then hopefully moving forward and forward.
Ally Dalsimer (00:26:34) - But like all life, it's synergistic. It's a feedback loop. It's not like, okay, today I'm going to work on this. Today I'm going to work on being happier. Tomorrow I'm going to work on getting rid of my fear. That's not how life works. That's not how nature works. Human bodies, human brains, human hearts were natural beings. And everything in nature has a yin and yang. It has a feedback loop. So it's all a very dynamic process. I talk about sometimes you got to take a step sideways, or sometimes you just don't get out of your PJs. You know, it's okay and you have to accept that you are a valuable, worthwhile human being who has everything that you need to succeed in whatever that means for you already inside you. And it's just a matter of finding it and tapping into it and learning to love and appreciate who you are as a person, because everyone truly is capable of that.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:27:34) - What a wonderful way to end this. I just have one final question for you, Ally. How can people find out more about you and your book?
Ally Dalsimer (00:27:41) - Thank you. Yes, you can go to my website, Alidulcimer.com or you can follow me on my socials. I'm on Twitter Ali Dalsimer on Insta. I think it's Ally underscore Dalsimer, maybe Ali Dulcimer one I'm not sure. I still have some congressional social media up that I don't really use too much. And I have a Facebook site as well, so just type in my name and everything should come up and I would. I would love for people to reach out. There's a contact me site and I'm more than happy to talk with folks. And I love personal engagement.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:28:15) - Well, Ally, thank you so much for being on Dream Power Radio today.
Ally Dalsimer (00:28:19) - Thank you so much. Oh, and please sign up for my newsletter too. I do a newsletter and I get a free gift when you sign up, so yes, please sign up for that. Wonderful. Thank you so much, Debbie. I really appreciate the opportunity.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:28:29) - We've been speaking about how to deal with our daily struggles with Ally Dalsimer. I hope you enjoyed today's program. If so, please hit that subscribe button so not miss out on any future episodes. Until next time, this is Debbie Spector Weisman saying sweet dreams everybody.
Announcer (00:28:45) - You've been listening to Dream Power Radio with your host Debbie Spector Weisman. For more information on Debbie or to sign up for her newsletter, go to DreamPowerRadio.com. This has been Dream Power Radio.