Announcer (00:00:04) - This is Dream Power Radio, the place where your dreams turn into reality. Here is your host, Debbie Spector. Weisman.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:00:13) - Hello, hello, hello and welcome to Dream Power Radio. I'm your host, Certified Dream-Life Coach Debbie Spector. Weisman. This is the place that we talk about dreams, both daytime and nighttime dreams. Now, you can use them to make the internal shift to a life you love and rediscover the truth of who you really are. When's the last time you said to yourself, or maybe shouted out to the world? Why do bad things always happen to me? Or perhaps the opposite? When is something good going to come into my life? Was it this morning, last week? Last year? Maybe your entire life? It's only natural to have felt this way at some point in your existence. Bad things do happen to all of us, whether it's a major trauma like abuse, physical injury, or events like romantic breakup, financial issues, or family conflict. When these things happen, we can feel miserable and often take on the role of victimhood.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:01:13) - Believe me, I've been there too. Way back before I knew better. I can remember a time when I relished playing the victim. There was one specific time I could recall when I went through a two-week period documenting negative thing after negative thing. And mind you, these weren't catastrophic events, just little bumps in the road of running a business that I took personally. They had the result of convincing me that the world was conspiring against me, and I'd never again feel like I was on top of the world. Oh, what a pity party it was. Thankfully, those days are behind me, I hope. And if you've never suffered trauma or felt like a victim, I salute you and hope you're in gratitude every day for the royal flush that life has dealt you. Those of you who do relate to this, however, have probably come here to seek insights into victimhood and ways to end that suffering feeling. After all, if you go through life playing the victim at every turn. It becomes a problem that will ensure you never live your dream lives. And nobody wants that, right?
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:02:14) - And yet, my guest today, author, coach and speaker Debbie Weiss, that herself in that exact position. She could cite valid reasons why she deserves to be in the victimhood Hall of Fame and why she lived most of her life feeling unworthy, overlooked, and dissatisfied. That is, until she had a moment that made her realize that acting like a victim wasn't getting her anywhere. She turned things around and transformed herself into the leader and mentor she is today. How she did it is the subject of her memoir called On Second Thought: Maybe I Can. We're going to speak to her about the book and how you can learn from her experience, lose your victimhood status, and take charge of your own life. And with that, welcome to Dream Power Radio, Debbie.
Debbie Weiss (00:03:09) - Oh, thank you so much. I'm very excited to be here. And that intro was just amazing. Honestly, it reminded me of my journey, and I love that I was in the Victimhood Hall of Fame.
I'm going to steal that from you.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:03:21) - I'll tell you, so much of what you wrote about resonated with me. Like I said in the intro, because it did remind me of the many issues that I've dealt with and how I felt like a victim and how it actually did hold me back for so long. And I know that I'm not alone in this. So why do you feel, though, that many people find themselves lapsing into a victimhood mentality?
Debbie Weiss (00:03:48) - I didn't even know that it had a name. To tell you the truth, it took me half my life to realize that was my mindset, and that was the thing that was holding me back. Because like you said, life does throw curveballs at us all the time, and especially when we play that comparison game-- oh, look at their life. They don't have as many curveballs. Why me? It's very easy, especially nowadays. Obviously with social media wasn't like that when we were growing up, but it's very easy to slip into that mindset.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:04:26) - It is, and I think social media only magnifies the issue. But like you said, you had reasons to feel like a victim without social media being around. I think social media just makes it much worse because you're only seeing the positive side of people. You're not seeing all the all the issues that they're dealing with. That is so true. You're very open in your book that you struggle with your weight while you were growing up. What secondary issues came about because of your feelings about your weight?
Debbie Weiss (00:04:58) - Yeah. So not just growing up, even today, it's a lifelong issue. And when I was growing up, it made me feel like I was less than and not worthy. And something was wrong with me. And why couldn't I control this? And I remember thinking this. My earliest memory is honestly in preschool feeling that way, and when I look back at pictures of myself, I think I was a little chubby girl. I wasn't 300 pounds at five years old, but that's how I felt.
Debbie Weiss (00:05:31) - And the secondary issues were low self-esteem, no self-confidence, didn't ever want to be seen because I just knew that I would be judged at how I look, what I look, how I looked. Because everybody used to say, oh, she has such a pretty face. Well, what does that mean? Like. It's such a shame. Such a shame she doesn't have the body to match that face.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:05:57) - I see you were getting it all over. You're getting it from other people. And you internalize that in yourself, then?
Debbie Weiss (00:06:03) - Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. It ruled my life. It led my decision making. Anything to put myself out. There was definite no, no. And that held me back through adulthood.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:06:16) - And you're feeling that you had to say no to things because you were so self-conscious about your weight? Really did have that negative effect on you?
Debbie Weiss (00:06:25) - Yeah. I was a person who I was afraid to go into a store or a deli or whatever back then and order something.
Debbie Weiss (00:06:36) - I didn't want to speak up. My brother is four years younger, and there I was at 15 and he was 11. And he had no problem walking in and addressing anyone. And I would beg him to do things like that for me because I was too afraid.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:06:53) - And you also did something that I think many people who feel like a victim do, which is blame others. In your case, it was your parents and primarily your mother. This is what most people who have a victim mentality do -- criticize others for their situation.
Debbie Weiss (00:07:10) - Absolutely. Because it's so much easier, right, to look outside of yourself than inside. And not that these things happen, but it's how we respond to them. That's really the key to our life. And I was letting those comments, whatever they were saying, reflect back on me, internalizing it and listening to their messages instead of saying to myself, you know, it doesn't matter what somebody else thinks of me, I know myself. And if I listen to what they say, which is what I did, I will live this very small life.
Debbie Weiss (00:07:57) - And over time, as I did gain confidence. I don't think that I lived a terribly small life. But certainly, as you said in the intro, was it my dream life? Yeah, I guess parts of it, but not really. It wasn't really who I wanted to be, and I'm still figuring that out, but at least I'm trying to figure it out now, right? It's and that's part of the excitement and the journey.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:08:22) - Right. And you just touched on something I think that I'd like to emphasize a little bit when things happen, even when we feel like a victim, it doesn't totally destroy our lives. It doesn't really make us into nothing. We can have what we would call, quote, perfectly normal lives -- go to school, have friends, have jobs, get married, have kids, do everything. But then there's that feeling that something's missing is how you felt.
Debbie Weiss (00:08:50) - Yeah, that is how I felt when I think about my dreams of when I was a little girl.
I mean, I wanted to get married. I always wanted to be a mom. That was a big thing for me as a little girl. I wanted to be a teacher, and that's how I envisioned my quote unquote perfect life. I was going to get married at 27, and I was going to have my first child at 29. You know, I had the whole little scenario mapped out, and it didn't quite go that way. But I did get married. And I, after a lot of infertility struggles, did have two sons a decade older than my plan. But that's okay. But yet there was some kind of yearning and like you said, my moment was really at 50. There was something about that number for me. Everybody's different. That made me stand back and say, boy, if I am a person who gets to the end of my life, and I think maybe it was because my dad had just passed away. And I knew that he died with so many regrets, and he had rough things thrown at him.
Debbie Weiss (00:09:57) - And I don't want to be that person. And if, God forbid, I die now, would I even live with regrets? And the answer was yes because I realized I had given my life to everyone else. Which I'm not saying that I wouldn't be there again for my loved ones, but I did it at my own expense. I lost myself while doing everything for everyone else, and I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. And what was this nagging inside of me? You know, so many people had a dream, right? Oh, I always wanted to be an author. Since I wrote the book, I've been in touch with so many authors and all of them are like, my whole life, I knew I had a book in me. No, not me. I never had any desire to write a book, so I didn't know what that underlying calling once. But I just felt like I didn't want to get to the end and at least not explore.
Debbie Weiss (00:10:59) - And that's when my journey of exploration really started.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:11:03) - I want to go back to that 50th birthday. You had a party with your friends, and there was something that happened at that time that made you realize that you had that regret and that there was more to life.
Debbie Weiss (00:11:18) - So yes, my friends insisted that we go away for the weekend for my birthday, and at the time, I didn't know how I was going to leave my family. They needed me, but they insisted, thank goodness. We went away to Bermuda for the weekend. And from the minute that we met at the airport, the laughter just began. And one night we were sitting down at dinner having a conversation, and I said to them, was there a time that I was known for my laugh? Because I kind of have like this loud, cackling laugh, and they looked at me funny and said, are you really asking us this question? And I said, yeah, I can't remember, like, am I making this up? You know, what? Was this true? And they said, oh my goodness, yes, yes that's true. How are you even asking us this question? And I realized that I had lost my laugh. And that was the essence of who I was and who I am. And it was probably 30 years since that laugh defined me.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:12:25) - And so many things had happened in your life that you didn't even realize that this had happened to you.
Debbie Weiss (00:12:30) - Exactly, exactly. I had no idea and no recollection, and I really had forgotten who I was at the core. I had let that person die inside of me.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:12:41) - And what a shame that would have happened if you didn't have that moment. And thankfully you did because you wrote this book and you're here now. And with that, we are going to take a short break. We are speaking all about victimhood with Debbie Weiss, and we'll be right back.
Announcer (00:13:35) - Welcome back to Dream Power Radio with your host, Debbie Spector. Weisman.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:13:41) - Yes, welcome back to Dream Power Radio. I'm your host, Debbie Spector Weisman. And we're talking all about victimhood with author Debbie Weiss. There's one thing that I'd like to spend a little bit of time emphasizing right here is that you had this moment, you had this realization that you had regrets in your 50s. And part of that dovetails with, I think, a belief that you have and a belief that I share is that it's never too late to change. So can you speak a bit more about that?
Debbie Weiss (00:14:14) - Yeah. I mean, if we're living, if we're breathing and walking this earth, we have the option to live it and walk it any way we like, regardless of how old we are. And I didn't see age as a roadblock. I saw, okay, I'm only 50, right? Because it's all in how you look at it.
Debbie Weiss (00:14:40) - I hopefully had, let's say, 40 good years left in me. That's almost half my life. I'm gonna now take advantage of it. And I don't think that there's any age whether you're 50, 60, 70, 80. I did it in groups. I left their groups where everybody there was five people that were writing books in 80 and 85 years old. I mean, how inspirational. Why stop? Why do you have to just sit there and wither away?
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:15:06) - And that's so true. I mean, speaking about writing, a friend of mine who deals with a lot of authors was just telling me about a woman who just sold her first book, and she's 90.
You know that happens, and I'm in a writing group. When I first joined the group, there was a guy there in his 80s writing his memoir about the Korean War. Yeah. You don't have to stop living just because you've turned 50. And I even saw a result of a study recently that talked about how many people's most productive years are in their 60s and 70s.
Debbie Weiss (00:15:46) - Yeah, which makes sense. You're only there then most of the time to concentrate on you, and you finally get that opportunity to tune in to what you know, things you like to do and want to learn more about and try.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:16:05) - But it also gives you a chance to learn from your mistakes. Because at that time, I made all these mistakes and now I'm going to go ahead and change it. And that's what you did. You decided that you could take control of your life. At that point.
Debbie Weiss (00:16:20) - I did and I didn't. It wasn't even though I did have that moment, I didn't return from that trip and say, okay, now here's what I'm going to do. But I came back, and I said, I'm going to live a long life. Now, my weight is not only an issue about how I look right now. It turns into a health issue. It changes. And my kids at that point were like early teens or pre-teens, and I was an older mama.
Debbie Weiss (00:16:48) - I want to be there to watch my kids grow up and hopefully have grandchildren one day. And so that's where I decided to start. And I've been on countless diets from the time I was ten or younger. And I went back to Weight Watchers, which has just been my even though I've tried everything, that's the one thing I been successful with. And I went back, and I said, this time I'm going to go with a different attitude and a different goal. Every other time I would join and say, okay, I want to lose 25 pounds in three months or 50 pounds by my birthday or whatever it was, and if I didn't do that, then I was a failure, and it was over. And what's the point this time I said, no, I'm not going to worry about the weight and all of those things. I'm going to just commit to going to a meeting every single week and not worry about the number on the scale or tracking my food or any of those things. And that's what I did.
Debbie Weiss (00:17:53) - For several months I stayed the same, or I gained a couple pounds. Nothing. Nothing at all. I didn't lose any weight, but I was going. And then I added something else, and I slowly started to do that. And there was no race. I was the turtle, and I was just slow and steady. And I realized for the first time in my life, I'm never gonna be off this, you know? Back then, lifestyle wasn't as big a term as it is now. And that was really my moment. Deb, you're not getting off this. This is a lifestyle. And I spent my life watching other people who were thin eating goodies and saying, they're so lucky. Why can't I be like that? And yet I never stopped to think. Are they eating like that seven days a week for every meal? Probably not. Once again, I was the victim. And comparing and blaming, you know? My geez, my this my that. Yeah, sure. Some of those things come into play, I'm certain.
Debbie Weiss (00:19:00) - But I was not taking responsibility. And once I made that mindset shift, that was it. And I didn't hit my goal weight. I still haven't hit my goal weight, I don't care. There is no end game and that power, the power that I saw from changing the way I was approaching it, the way I was thinking about it, was extremely significant because that was another moment. Weight Watchers didn't change. Yeah, they make little tweaks to their program, but it had nothing to do with them. It was the same thing, but I was approaching it differently and that's what made all the difference.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:19:43) - Right. You had changed that mindset. And do you think though, that we should eliminate the word diet from our vocabularies because it puts pressure on you and can cause you to feel like a victim?
Debbie Weiss (00:19:56) - Oh my gosh. Yes. And also, it's that that's a bad food. The labeling. And I still do it in my mind it's like, no, I'm eating a cookie because I want a cookie.
Debbie Weiss (00:20:09) - I'm not eating the whole bed of cookies or package of cookies, because I might never have an opportunity to get it again. And that was how I lived my life because food was it was bad, and it was restricted. And if I ever had the chance to get it, I better eat it while I can. And so if I want a cookie, I'm having a cookie. And that's how it works.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:20:32) - So getting back to your change in mindset, even after you realize that you could take control of your life and do things that you wanted to do, you still did have to get past the roadblock that was standing in your way in some areas of your life, and that was fear. So how did you deal with your fears?
Debbie Weiss (00:20:56) - I knew that fear had stopped me so many times, and certainly that fear of being seen and being judged was. It's been a lifelong fear, and it still was showing itself. I had been very involved in my synagogue, a very small synagogue, for, oh, about ten years, and I was set to be president. But the president had to make speeches. Well, that meant I would have to stand up in front of 150 or 200 people and be judged for what I looked like, for what I said. What if I wasn't good enough? I had so, so many fears around it. And when I agreed to be vice president, which there's kind of like, you know, succession, right? Which would mean if you agree to be the vice president, then next you're going to be president. I said, I'm only taking the job. If you understand I am not committing to being president. That whole year leading up to the time where I knew they were going to ask me to be president, I had internal arguments with myself. And that year I don't remember like 55 years old. And you are still allowing fear to stop you, fear of standing up there and speaking. But I also had fear of what if I didn't run a board meeting appropriately? What if I did a bad job? All of those things? And in the end, I said to myself, you will never know. You will regret this because this is a challenge for you, and you're getting up to the challenge, and you're turning your back and you're walking away because you're scared. And I knew that was something I would look back on with regret. And so I said, yes.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:22:46) - Then you did it.
Debbie Weiss (00:22:47) - And I did it. And I stood up there and I was shaking like a leaf that first speech. And I had no saliva in my mouth. And I started giving this speech and it was, you know, it started with a it was personal. It was started with personal story. And one of the stories that it was in the speech was something about my father. My father had already passed away at that point, and I had practiced the speech many, many, many times. But standing there, looking out into the audience, the congregation, and seeing everyone looking back at me when I told the little part about my dad, I got choked up and I had to stop. And of course, now in my mind, I'm panicking.
Debbie Weiss (00:23:35) - But yet I looked out and I saw that everybody had their eyes on me, that they were there with me, that they were feeling my emotion because I saw their emotion, my emotion reflected back in their eyes. And it was so powerful. They laughed when I wanted them to. And afterwards I got such amazing feedback that I felt so empowered. Really. And that was the jumping board for saying, I can do this, and I do have something to say, and people will listen, and I can affect them and affect their thinking, maybe with my words. And that's where I realized that that's what I want to do. And I never in my wildest dreams would have ever thought that that's where my future would take me.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:24:38) - Isn't that the funny thing about fear? I mean, my favorite acronym about it is, fearful events appearing real -- that you just automatically assumed the worst, that you would get up there and just have a complete fall and didn't stop to think that, no, you could get up there and be very effective and that you were able to conquer. That was a life changing moment for you.
Debbie Weiss (00:25:05) - Oh my goodness, really it was. And that whole two years of my presidency was as well, because there was a lot of challenges at the time in the congregation. And I can look back and say, I'm really proud of how I handled it. And that gave me the confidence to move forward, to make me realize, you know what? You can handle a lot more than you think, and you are more than capable. And it's just like anything, each success that we have, each time that we push past a fear that does it, it fuels us, it builds our confidence. And that's when I started to realize that playing small is getting up to that theory, getting to that decision point and letting fear rule us and turning around and saying, no, no, no, I can't do it. But when you push past and push through this year, that's where your life lies on the other side of that.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:26:02) - Absolutely. You also talk in your book about your reluctance to even write the book, because you felt like you were just a quote "ordinary person" that that's a bad thing to be with you. What made you realize that being ordinary made you the perfect person to write a book like this?
Debbie Weiss (00:26:24) - Well, I had a lot of conversations with a lot of different people over it. And what made me in the end, think to myself and I'm gonna add something to that. The other thing that kind of goes along with that is, as I said, I've never dreamed of being a writer. I'm a numbers girl, you know, I'm a CPA, I'm an insurance agent. I don't write. And I was afraid that who would want to read this immature writing that I don't know the rules of writing and I don't know all these things. And in both cases, I realized, well, what would I want to hear? What could I relate to? Thankfully, I can't relate to being the victim of abuse or terrible crime or, , some awful thing. Luckily. But yet the majority of us just had these ordinary ups and downs.
Debbie Weiss (00:27:22) - And so that's the person I can relate to. And quite frankly, reading the literary greats, it's not really what I would choose to read. So why aren't there other people out there who have those same kinds of feelings? There must be, right? I'm not alone. And that is what made me realize you do have something to say, whether you don't write it as according to the rules of the literary greats. And my ordinary, quote unquote, ordinary life are things that people can relate to. And that's when I think you get the most value. Is reading or hearing something that you can see yourself in those stories.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:28:09) - Very much so. Debbie, how can people find out more about you and your work?
Debbie Weiss (00:28:14) - My website, which is DebbieRWeiss.Com. The R is very important. Otherwise you get a realtor in California.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:28:23) - Wonderful. Well, thank you for being on Dream Power Radio today.
Debbie Weiss (00:28:29) - Well, thank you so much for having me. I really enjoyed it.
Debbie Spector Weisman (00:28:32) - We have been speaking about victimhood with author Debbie Weiss. I hope you've enjoyed today's program. If so, please hit that subscribe button so you don't miss out on any future episodes. Until next time, this is Debbie Spector Weisman say sweet dreams everybody.
Announcer (00:28:47) - You've been listening to Dream Power Radio with your host, Debbie Spector Weisman. For more information on Debbie or to sign up for her newsletter, go to DreamPowerRadio.com. This has been Dream Power Radio.