Judy Wilkins-Smith - The Most Surprising Reason People Choose Misery

Are you a sufferer? Do you tend to focus more on the dark side than look at life sunny side up? Well, there's are reasons for this, and they just may astonish you.

    We delve into the intriguing concept of self-suffering and why some individuals seem to embrace misery with Judy Wilkins-Smith, an expert in systemic works and constellations. One of the key points we discussed was the glorification and monetization of victimhood in our society. It's unfortunate that negativity and suffering often receive more attention and validation than positivity and happiness. This can lead people to unconsciously adopt a victim mentality and perpetuate their own suffering. Judy also touched on:

·      How we’re taught to focus on our flaws and weaknesses rather than celebrating our strengths and accomplishments. 

·      The vicious cycle of self-sabotage and self-suffering.

·      The physical and mental costs of suffering

·      Yes, you can break patterns of generational misery

·      How to find resilience in the face of adversity

·      How to shift our focus to the positive

    If you’re yearning for a life of joy and fulfillment, you’re not going to want to miss this eye-opening episode of Dream Power Radio.

    Judy Wilkins-Smith is a highly regarded Family Patterns, Systemic Work & Constellations expert, transformational coach, motivational speaker, and author who is passionate about individual growth, visionary leadership, and positive, accelerated, global change. The Founder of System Dynamics for Individuals and Organizations, she has 18 years of expertise assisting high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives (Chevron, JP Morgan, Kellogg's, ExxonMobil), and legacy families end limiting cycles and create lasting breakthroughs and transitions into peak performance. She is a regular guest on TV news and entertainment shows and is the author of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint: A Powerful Guide to Transformation Through Disentangling Multigenerational Patterns (Sounds True). 

Website: https://judywilkins-smith.com/

Chapters

• 0:04 Breaking Free From Self-Suffering
• 15:25 Breaking Negative Patterns, Embracing Positivity
• 27:25 Overcoming Suffering on DreamPower Radio

Transcript

Announcer (00:00:04) - This is Dream Power Radio, the place where your dreams turn into reality. Here is your host, Debbie Spector Weisman.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:00:13) - Hello. Hello. Hello and welcome to Dream Power Radio. I'm your host, Debbie Spector Weisman, Certified Dream-Life Coach. This is the place where we talk about dreams, both daytime and nighttime dreams and how you can use them to make the internal shift to a life you love and rediscover the truth of who you really are. About a dozen or so years ago, a lawyer friend of mine decided he wanted to give standup comedy a try. He invited a group of us to see a preview of his act. He took on the persona of a goofy New Age type psychologist whose overriding message was suffering is the only option. He went on for a good hour or so telling us all about the benefits of suffering and how it was a cure all for all kinds of mental ailments. It was amusing because it was so absurd. I mean, who wants to spend their life suffering? The answer should be no one.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:01:13) - And yet many of us spend months or even years focusing on what's negative in our lives, making ourselves miserable in the process. Why do we do this to ourselves? Is there some perverse pleasure in wallowing in our misery? Is it a behavior that was passed on to us from our parents and grandparents? Is there a way to put an end to this negative thinking, or are we destined to stay in negative headspace for our entire lives? We're going to take a deep dive into the subject of self-suffering with internationally renowned systemic works and constellation expert Judy Wilkins-Smith. Judy is also a motivational speaker and the author of the book Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint a Powerful Guide to Transformation Through Disentangling Multi-Generational Patterns. Welcome back to Dream Power Radio, Judy. 

Judy Wilkins-Smith  Hi, Debbie. It's lovely to be with you. 

Debbie Spector Weisman  Oh, it is my pleasure. And Judy, I'm sure you've run into these people. I know I have the ones who love to dwell in their misery. Maybe something legitimately bad may have happened to them, but they seem to relish letting everyone else know about it. On and on and on, even to the point of highlighting it over everything else. Is this merely about getting sympathy or is there more involved in this now? 

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:02:38) – I think there's a little more than that. Think what we've done is if you look at victimhood, we've kind of sank it, clarified it, sanitized it, monetized it, and think it's become a way of feeling like I'm some sort of hero and now I belong to the bigger group. So it's a way of belonging. Problem is, it gets old. You get to a stage in your life where you wake up one morning and go, where is the joy in this mean? I'm doing it powerfully and I'm may even be getting heaven knows a radio show or a TV show out of suffering. But we're teaching people to be less than their capability and to have lives that perpetuate, as you said, generations of suffering. Are we doomed to it? I don't think so.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:03:30) - Oh, no. Well, you know, it's very interesting how synchronicity works.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:03:36) - Every morning I get some inspirational emails to come into me. And one of the things that I got today really sort of ties into what we're talking about. The message was: You have the power to create hell and the power to create heaven.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:03:54) - Absolutely. Well, if you think about it, it's as simple as a simple, simple example. Two men are in an accident. Both are paralyzed from the waist down. One says, “My life is over.” The one says, “My life has just begun.” They're both right. It's what we tell ourselves and think. We've touched on that before. We are extremely powerful, and we don't realize it. When our brain tells our body a story that the body believes that becomes the new truth, we then zone in on that. The brain all homes in on everything that supports that feeling, support that our actions support that. So if you're somebody who is always miserable, I'm always sad. In my family, we will always say, you know, suffering is sacred.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:04:40) - Heaven help us, but suffering is sacred. And so I must perpetuate that. It's the day you look at that and go, I'm so tired of this. Wonder what else is possible. And your heart opens and your gut settles, your brain starts to switch on and go, well, okay, so what more is possible here? And that's when we cast another spell and we go, well, I want to do this and this and this, and we begin to realize that we are not prisoners. We've imprisoned ourselves. We're actually seriously master creators.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:05:17) - That is amazing that we can live our whole lives feeling that this is just the way it is and there's nothing we can do about it without realizing that, yes, you are right. We do have that power to change ourselves.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:05:31) - Absolutely. You always have a choice. It may not be the nicest choice, but you always have a choice. And people will say to me, well, how is it a choice if I've got to choose between this horrible one and this horrible one? Well, which horrible one's going to get you a step closer to less horrible and less horrible until you make your choice? It says that somewhat nice, and then that's nice.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:05:51) - And then all of a sudden, we're off to the game. But you've got to help yourself play the game and elevate.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:05:58) - Absolutely. Because it's not the thing that has happened to you. That is exactly right. How you feel about it.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:06:07) - It's the meaning you make of it. You're exactly right. Something terrible happens in your life and that becomes purpose. It suddenly galvanizes you into doing something different. Remember said to somebody the other day, remember very consciously going through that process of thoughts, feelings and actions. When I walked into the hospital room and my mom was diagnosed with cancer and can remember thinking, I'm just going to die to mean this is my mom, I'll just die. And then I stopped and went, Stop, stop, stop. What are you telling yourself? And took a moment and went, I have a daughter. This is not over for Mum. We're on a journey. If I get sick, I can't help my daughter and I can't help my mum. If I.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:06:53) - If I start to see the positives in this, I can come out stronger and I can come out a whole different way. I would say I thought I had patience. I've learnt more, I've thought I had resilience, I've had to grow more, and I have a need. Two nieces who've popped into the picture who are absolutely amazing because I learned that I couldn't do it all on my own. So, so many lessons. If we're willing in that moment, instead of reacting and going to the I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dying, I'm injured to go. Stop. What is it that I want to think, feel and do? Because it's about to become miniature.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:07:36) - Well. All of that makes perfect sense. But when you're in the midst of suffering, isn't there some part of it that actually makes you feel good? Because it makes you feel like, oh, I'm enduring?

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:07:50) - Yes, because that's what we've been taught. We were taught you must suffer. You must endure.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:07:56) - Think about all the major religions and all the major cultures we fight mean wish they would take that word. Fight out of the dictionary for a while. We fight. We endure, we overcome. How about we elevate? We love. We enjoy. They should be given equal opportunity. But we've been taught that the other is glamorous and think that's an old way that's trying very hard to rest and a new way that's trying to elevate is to say what's possible for humanity. What can we do?

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:08:33) - Yeah, but how to get past the whole society? Part of saying, like you said, that suffering is just a part of us. I mean, we all. Many of us just tend to focus on the negative. And one example I think is so pervasive is what we call the news. It's very.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:08:55) - Yes.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:08:55) - Definition is based on focusing on suffering. Mean the.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:08:59) - Bad news? Yes.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:09:01) - We've all heard the expression when it bleeds, it leads because that's what all newscasts always talk about.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:09:07) - And yet there have been times when there have been people who say, no, we need to focus on the positive. And they've started positive newscasts or positive news sites, and every one of them has failed. Yes, it's a society. Do we relish hearing all about the negative?

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:09:25) - Well, because then we don't feel so bad about the fact that we're not living our best lives. It's like, well, everybody's a mess. I'm a hot mess, too, and was looking at that the other day and thinking, when last did we have a Disney? When did we have a Disney World that everybody couldn't wait to watch on the TV because Disney was opening? Oh, my goodness. And that's our way out. When we start dreaming the bigger dreams and we make the bigger dream more enticing than the suffering, that's when we shift. So I keep saying to people, to your beautiful podcast dream, but for goodness sake, dream big. Because if you dream now, I know you're going to have to start practicing with smaller dreams.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:10:08) - But the bigger you dream, the more enticing it is to be in that dream than in that suffering. And that is our way out. We're very capable of it.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:10:18) - And do you think the way for our society in general to do this is to do it one person at a time?

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:10:27) - Think it begins always with one person, Don't It doesn't stay one person, but it's definitely one person. In fact, we did a Constellation, which is a 3D interactive version of what's going on or what's happening in your life. And we did one with the quantum field, the knowing Field, which is probably the collective unconscious and then the current field. And it was interesting. We used in representatives for humanity and for the individual human, and nothing moved until the individual human did. So it's one thought, and it may be that I've got a thought and you've got a similar thought. It may be that there are pockets of us, but it begins with one human or a human, maybe a subset of humans with an idea.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:11:16) - And the idea is much more fun and much bigger than this, this going on out there. And so then what happens is people go, oh, I like that. It's exactly why people go and watch Star Wars or any of the other alternative galaxies. They're going, that seems so much more fun than where I am now. So when we can make a game big Starbucks, Apple, Disney people go, oh my goodness, I got to play, I got to play, I got to play. And all of a sudden that creative side pops up and they're standing in the line because now they're part of something bigger, not smaller. They're actually getting something to enjoy, not suffer. We need more of that.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:11:58) - We do. But you are talking about individual events. You know, a movie that people go to see or some kind of event that that's a collective positive experience. How do we keep that going?

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:12:12) - I think it's by investing in ourselves. And that sounds always a little trite to let me explain.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:12:19) - At the end of the day, do I feel good about me? What did I do that built me a little bit for me? For me, it can be as simple as, you know what? I picked up a penny today. I picked up a penny. I had something that came to me unexpectedly and I am feeling the penny. It could be that an unexpected check comes, and it could be that somebody says to me, hey, you know what you're doing makes a difference. I look for those I've started to not look for. When somebody says, well, that didn't work, okay, what did work? So it's looking for those because when you do that, you're teaching your brain and your brain teaches your body, hey, we should be looking at the positive. We should be looking for what's going to grow us as an individual. And I promise you, when that dream is big enough and you're loving it and the passion is there, other people are going to go exactly like they did in Harry Met Sally.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:13:14) - Want what she's having?

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:13:16) - Perfect. There's a perfect way to end this segment. We're going to take a short break now. We're speaking all about how to rid ourselves with suffering with Judy Wilkins-Smith And we'll be right back. 

Debbie Spector Weisman  Hey, this is Debbie Spector. Weisman. I have a question for you. Are you a business owner with big dreams but struggling to turn them into reality? If so, I'm here to help you. I'm offering a free dream. Big business breakthrough session here will identify the biggest challenges holding you back and create a plan to overcome them. Don't wait too long because this offer won't last forever. Take action today and book your free dream. Big Business Breakthrough Session with me by visiting my website. TheDreamCoach.net. Let's make your dreams a reality together.

Announcer (00:13:58) - Welcome back to Dream Power Radio with your host, Debbie Spector Weisman.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:14:03) - Weisman Yes. Welcome back to Dream Power Radio. I'm your host, Debbie Spector Weisman and we're talking about all about suffering or actually how to rid ourselves of suffering with Judy Wilkins-Smith. Well, Judy, you know, we've all heard about nature versus nurture. Are we genetically predisposed to negative thinking or where does it come from?

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:14:27) - I would say by now we're genetically and very almost globally are predisposed to that because we've heard it, we've seen it, we see the glamorization of it, but it's also become an imprint on the system. So you pretty much come into life with everybody going now, suffer nicely, you know, do the thing and you can feel it. And we also then carry some of our ancestral patterns and those ancestral patterns we may not be aware of, but we are carrying them. It's a little bit like your physical DNA. You know, you've got blonde hair and if you look carefully, you'll see that three generations back. So did grandma have blonde hair? But it doesn't occur to you that you've got to do something about it. It's there. Well, emotional DNA is exactly the same, but the difference is you can do something with it.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:15:21) - And what? Well, the widget is okay.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:15:25) - So everybody in our family is always said, always had, always said, always said, what do I do about that? Well, what do you think your purpose is? Oh, you mean I get to be joyful? Yeah, you get to be joyful. You're going to start switching up that. So what you want to look for is what is the struggle pattern? The one that puts you on the struggle bus every now and then. What's that one? Write down your thoughts, your feelings and your actions about it, and then ask yourself, what is the wish pattern? Where do I wish I could be? What would that look like? What am I really passionate about that that could do 48 hours a day with no, no breakfast, lunch or supper? That's the pattern that's trying to start. So the one becomes a source of wisdom. In other words, it's your it's your system of locks and keys. Don't do this. Open this door.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:16:12) - Close the store. And this one's going, come on, come on, come on, come on. So this one is the launch pad for this one. They all work together. So if you've inherited it, you want to see what is it that's trying to stop with me? And what is it that's trying to start with me?

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:16:31) - It is so powerful. And I have to say, you know, I've seen it even in myself. My mother was generally negative. She would say she wasn't. She would say, no, she's very positive. But no, she had this this, you know, sort of I would say, great, if you're calling the colors like she was grayer, more than sunny. Right. You know, kind of thing. And I have had to, you know, work hard to rid myself of these negative patterns. So it's very interesting what you say to look at it, because I always say that self-awareness is the first start knowing that this is it.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:17:13) - Oh. I see negativity that's run in my family and now I have the power to stop that.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:17:22) - And a very odd thing to also thank and acknowledge someone like your mum who has been negative. Thanks, Mom. I looked at you and because of Jared, for me I've started something different. If you hadn't have shown me that, I wouldn't have done this. So in a way, our family is always feeding us what we need.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:17:44) - Absolutely. 

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:17:53) - And will just say just it hurt the fence. There are many positive qualities. I think she always all will so be handed down to me. So but know what you're talking about. It's that person who comes to you and says, gosh, life is beautiful. Did you see what so-and-so was doing? Isn't it great? And it's all the little hidden negativities and you're going to wait a bit. Which one was that, actually?

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:18:07) - And absolutely a lot of times that somebody will you know, you'll have a conversation with somebody, and they will, you know, just pour out all of, you know, the misery that's going on in their lives and.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:18:24) - There's also been a tendency to chime in with your own. You see that as a pattern.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:18:29) - Oh, see, people do that all the time. It's called the Lit Belong Club. Oh, goody. I'll tell you my stuff and you tell me yours. And then we're friends. Really? I think it kind of gives us permission to take everything we've bottled up and kind of vent with each other. But my point or my question would be at the end of that because that's fine. But at the end of that, are you both looking for the gem that says, okay, we've been through all of this? It's nasty. Do you ever ask each other, So what did we learn here that we can use?

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:19:07) - There's a question about 99.9% of the people who have these conversations never get to that point. No.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:19:16) - But think of what we could do with that if we did. You had a rough time, and this is what I will do with my client. To have one in particular who's gone through a horrendous eight months.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:19:26) - And he said to me the other day, It's just terrible. And said him. It's awful. Are you aware of how resilient you've become? And he went, What? And said, you’ve told me this, this, this and this anyway. I've never even thought of that and said, Yeah, be aware to think of that. Don't, don't just look at the train wreck. Look at the gems that are surfacing with that and take those you're supposed to.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:19:53) - That is so important. I mean, I know several people in my life who have been through rough patches and all they want to do is well on the rough patch and keep saying, no, look at it, look at what you've done. You had this horrible thing happen and yet you're still here, you're still productive, you're still active, you're doing good things. And. All of that positive behavior and positive feelings. Tend to get buried because they just want to focus on the negative. Yeah.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:20:28) - And think they also think we really gloss over another part, which is if you're doing that, you are living by the, the hormones of stress, which means you're deconditioning, your body, you're literally deconditioning, your body when you live by the emotions of love or elevation, you're literally reconditioning your body.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:20:51) - So which one do you want to do?

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:20:55) - Yes. And again, it comes down to the choice.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:20:58) - It comes down to the choice.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:21:00) - And realizing that you have the choice because most people don't.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:21:04) - Yeah. Think it comes down to making conscious choice. With this journey that we had with my mom, I can remember getting to stages where would sit down because I just couldn't and would sit down and say, okay. 17 seconds of positivity. What's beautiful around you right now? Pick up the cat. Cuddle the cat. Um. What are we doing for supper? That's fun. Look at those flowers over there. I don't care. It's called Name It. Because when you name it, it starts to tell the brain I am okay. I am okay. Also, teach people who go through a situation like that, or their caretakers do many treats. Literally, if you feel like a cookie in the cupboard, go get the cookie in the cupboard. Give yourself the ability to just go. Did something for me and that was good.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:21:53) - I don't care if it lasted. You all of 30s learn to treat yourself and so learn to respect yourself and then learn to grow yourself and learn to really enjoy yourself.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:22:04) - And love yourself.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:22:05) - And totally love yourself. Yeah, that's my other one. Is at the end of the day, do you ever take the time to say, you know what, I'm proud of you today? We did this or did this? That was good.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:22:19) - What about somebody who's in the midst of a trauma, let's say, having pain from a physical condition? How do they. Get away from that focus on the pain to focusing on.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:22:35) - Yeah, that's a tough one. I've been there so can speak to it. It's a tough one. What I learned for me was to start thinking about myself tomorrow or the day after or the day after when the pain was not there. In other words, really visualizing myself, running around and doing the normal things and getting annoyed. And what did I say to somebody? You don't realize until you've been in a physical or an emotional trauma.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:23:07) - How beautiful the word normal is. You really don't. It is one of the most beautiful words in the dictionary, but it's in that moment where there's a ton of pain and it's ugly is to take a breath, which seems very contrarian because you want to hold on and to think, okay, in a couple of days’ time. And I have a mom who's now been in that situation. She's, thank goodness, is through the cancer piece. But she broke a hip and it's really been a mind game. Okay. Today was painful but what did you do? I walked to the restroom and back. That's a positive. I remembered this. And this. That's a positive. So it's counting and building your library of good, even if it's the teeniest. But I just had 10s without pain. Wow. That was good. My body's remembering what it feels like to be without pain. Hey, I had 15 seconds of no pain. This is good. Know how to do this.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:24:11) - And then that builds on it and build.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:24:13) - Builds it. It builds it. It builds it. Because being in physical pain is tough.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:24:21) - It is. And it's. Because it's different from the head game that you do because it is an actual real thing.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:24:30) - Yeah, but of course, realizing as well though, that the head game can trigger the physical game. And then you've got a whole hot mess going on. But with the with the physical one, it's teaching yourself how to the minute you feel less pain going, hey, I got that. That was a little bit less. We got this and will tell you I know for me when I went through a rough one when I came out, the other side was so grateful the first time had a night's sleep. I was so grateful. Don't think. Think. After you've been through that, it builds something different. You don't take it for granted, but you sure celebrate it.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:25:10) - Oh, and that's it. Keep celebrating all of those things you said.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:25:13) - Like the 10s celebrate. Everything builds on it.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:25:17) - It does.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:25:18) - It does. So if suffering or negativity is a generational pattern that you see, what steps should we take so we don't pass on this negative behavior to our children?

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:25:31) - Yeah, it's a multi, multi, multi, multi, multi-generational pattern. We've basically grown up with that since the beginning of time. But it's time for us to very much wake up and say, okay, what do I want to pass on to the next generation? Instead of people being inspired for some reason by my suffering, can they be inspired to aspire to something bigger? What one thing can I teach? Don't care if it's kindness. I don't care if it's happiness. I don't care if it's wealth or relationships. I have something that that is I have a very good strength with. Take that and maximize it and give it freely as a gift.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:26:21) - Well, wonderful, wonderful message to deserve. Final thought you'd like to leave for our audience.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:26:27) - Yes.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:26:28) - I look at where we are in the world right now and think people think this is the biggest hot mess we've been in a long time. After a hot mess, if we're willing, comes the potential for the next great generation. Are we willing to be there?

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:26:44) - That's the challenge we have. Well, Judy, how can people find out more about you and your work?

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:26:50) - They can go to Judy Wilkins hyphen smith.com. They can find me on Spotify, Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and they can find me at live events. I will be doing one in November, November the 5th through the eighth. And it's on my DNA and it's down at Disney World.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:27:10) - And the information is on your website.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:27:12) - Information for that is on the website. We're going to take people deep into their money, teach them how to grow their money, and in the evening, they get to go play in the heart of magic.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:27:23) - Wonderful. So, Judy, thank you so much for being on Dream Power Radio today.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:27:28) - Thank you so much for having me.

Judy Wilkins-Smith (00:27:30) - It's always such fun to have time with you.

Debbie Spector Weisman (00:27:33) - Oh, well, thank you. We've been speaking all about overcoming suffering with Judy Wilkins-Smith. I hope you've enjoyed today's program. If so, please hit that subscribe button so you don't miss out on any future episodes. Until next time, this is Debbie Spector Weisman saying sweet dreams, everybody.

Announcer (00:27:51) - You've been listening to Dream Power Radio with your host, Debbie Spector Weisman. For more information on Debbie or to sign up for her newsletter, go to Dream PowerRadio.com. This has been Dream Power Radio.