Mom Guilt: Productive vs Present

Welcome to Mom Guilt, the podcast that delves deep into the challenging and often overwhelming world of motherhood. Join co-hosts Elizabeth and Stephanie, two friends who navigate the ups and downs of raising seven kids between them. In this raw and honest conversation, they share their personal experiences, struggles, and triumphs in the face of mom guilt.

From folding laundry to doing the dishes, they explore how even the simplest tasks can evoke feelings of guilt and self-doubt. As they candidly discuss their own guilt triggers, they invite listeners to reflect on their own experiences and find solace in the shared journey of motherhood.

Each episode is a window into the genuine conversations Elizabeth and Stephanie have as friends, providing an opportunity for listeners to eavesdrop on the wisdom and support they offer each other. From moving children to the basement to screen time dilemmas, no topic is off-limits. They also encourage listeners to think of another mom who might benefit from their discussions and share the podcast as a source of encouragement and solidarity.

Through their relatable stories and personal anecdotes, Elizabeth and Stephanie shed light on the constant struggle of balancing being present with their children and being productive. They challenge the belief that it's an either/or choice, uncovering the lies that contribute to the mom guilt narrative. With humor, empathy, and practical insights, they help moms navigate the tension between wanting to be fully present with their kids and the demands of managing a household.

Join them on this heartfelt journey as they debunk unrealistic expectations, share personal growth experiences, and provide valuable guidance for finding peace in the chaos of motherhood. If you've ever felt the weight of mom guilt, this podcast is for you. Tune in and discover that you're not alone in your struggles and that together, we can overcome the challenges of being a mom in today's world.

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Transcript

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Folding laundry is kingdom work. Doing the dishes is kingdom work. Hey, before we get started, I'm one of the co-hosts and my name is Elizabeth. As you're listening to this episode, I wanna ask you to think of another mom who might need to hear some encouragement in the midst of mom guilt. So if you find this episode helpful, please share it with her.

All right, let's jump into this week's episode of the Mom Guilt Podcast. This podcast is really just a conversation between friends. Elizabeth and I have been friends for a while now. Together we have seven kids. I have four kids. She has three kids. And we found on our play dates or sometimes in the middle of the day, we'd be calling each other because we're feeling guilty about something or we're stressed about something. And all of the conversations seem to be centered around like this mom guilt that we're feeling in one way or another. And so our goal for this podcast is really just to let you listen in on conversations that we're having all the time as friends. I'm Stephanie and the last time that I felt mom guilt was earlier this week. My two oldest daughters have just been fighting like crazy and I don't know if it's like the start of summer or what it is. But finally one night, my husband and I looked at each other, we're like, they're not sharing a bedroom anymore. But our house is small, and so we're like, okay, where do we move one of the girls? And so we ended up moving one of them down to the basement.

Oh wow, okay.

Which-

How's that going?

It actually is going really well, but I'm struggling with feeling guilty because it's like, we don't have that many bedrooms in our house, it's a three bedroom house. We've got four kids and so we put her in like the main area of the basement and there's like no windows. She thinks this is awesome, but I'm still feeling guilty with it and so I'm trying to be like, okay, we're going to do like the curtains from the ceiling and like make our own little space and and so she is fine with it. So I don't really know why I'm feeling guilty, but I'm really struggling with it because I feel like I can't provide a bedroom or something for my daughter when she really needs it. First of all,

you provide so much for your children. They have a loving home and if it makes you feel better, my husband also got moved to the basement when he was a teenager and he thought it was the best thing.

So there's hope. She's fine with it, but I don't know why I'm struggling with it so much, but I'm feeling really guilty.

And as your friend, you are an incredible mom and she knows that you love her. So I just want to encourage you in that. So my name is Elizabeth and the last time that I felt mom guilt was actually earlier this week and I chose to share this because I think it's really applicable to what we're gonna be talking about. I was snuggling on the couch with my two-year-old daughter and we're watching Toy Story and I decided okay you know I have a few minutes I'm gonna look at my phone. And I go to pick up my phone and she goes, no phone, mama, no phone. And like hit it out of my hand. And it just really kind of like took me by surprise. I felt instantly guilty. Like, like I'm on my phone enough to where my two year old is now saying no. Be snuggle with me, watch the movie with me.

And so that's hard. Yeah. It's not like Toy Story would have been the movie that you picked to watch.

You're doing it because you love her.

No, absolutely, but it was one of those moments where I'm kind of like, huh, you know, reflecting. So I feel like this was just applicable to what we're going to be talking about. And knowing that it was currently a guilt that I was wrestling with this week right now in my current life.

So yeah, so kind of so today, listener, we are doing our episode around this guilt that we feel because we feel like we have to choose between either being present with our kids or being productive. Yeah, which is hard.

Constant.

It is constant.

Yeah.

And you can't win. No, there's never like a win-win. You can never feel like you're being totally present and also productive. But we're going to unpack that because I think that's actually a lie that we're believing, but we're going to save that for later on in the episode and kind of what led us to this conversation is that this is something we both struggle with like all the time. And I don't know if like the mic has been on in my phone like all the time.

Because it hears you.

It does because this has showed up everywhere on Facebook and different like all of the like the social media platforms that I'm on, I have found something within the last like four days and every single like platform about mom's feeling guilty with stuff. Yeah, being present and productive. I'm like, oh my goodness, I'm not alone in this. We should probably talk about this. Yeah. So one of the things that kind of led in, I'm just actually going to read this because I was part of a Facebook group and this is what somebody posted and I'm not going to say their name because I don't know this person. And um, okay, so here's what she posted. I'm feeling guilty. How much time do you spend connecting with your kids versus being domestic? At the end of the day, I feel like I've spent my whole day cooking and cleaning and barely played with my kids. I have a five-year-old and a 10-month-old. Do you just leave the house a disaster so your kids can get enough mom time? I'm constantly saying, just let me finish this or after I'm done or just give me a minute and then things come up and we never get to play. Help. So as I'm reading this and as I read this the first time I'm like, yep, feel that. Yep, resonate with that. That's yep, I get that.

I think she like read my mind and then posted about it.

Honestly, I was like, wait a second.

Yeah, that's like my life. There's a constant wavering of like, oh, am I present? But then what about this that needs to get done? What about this? And oh, I feel bad that my kids' laundry isn't done yet. But then when I'm doing laundry, I'm like, oh, I should go outside and play with my kids. It's so nice out. I don't know if you feel like that constantly.

Yeah, or like I'll choose to like sit down on the couch and talk to them or watch like the Mario Kart game that they're playing. And as I'm sitting there, I'm looking over at my sink overflowing with dishes and there's crumbs all over the floor from breakfast. And as I'm sitting there trying to be present and be there with my kids, I'm thinking about everything that needs to get done at the house. And I can't even enjoy sitting there because it makes me feel lazy that I'm not doing all these other things.

Yeah, I'm so glad you say that because I struggle with that where I'm like trying to be present and have quality time with them, but my mind is somewhere else. So even when I'm trying to be present, I'm not even really present. It's when I feel like I wasn't connecting with them and yet my dishes still didn't get done. It feels like sometimes I can't do either. So I'm glad you pointed that out. And I feel like around this topic too, I don't know, has anyone else made you feel guilty or have you ever felt that like outside of your own home?

I think most of this is going to be like self-talk that's like going on inside my head, I don't recall anybody outside of my house that has said something to make me feel that most of the time it's my inner dialogue that's going on. Like, oh, why are you doing this? You should be doing this. Yeah. Or from my kids, right? So it's either in my head or my kids will say, Mom, how come you're always doing laundry? I'm like, well, because I have 12 loads I have to do a week and you got to have clean clothes. But just this idea of my kids are always wanting more and more. And I have four kids. And so there's always something that they would prefer that I do. And if I'm being honest, I would rather go outside and play basketball with my kids versus vacuuming goldfish crumbs out of the bottom of my couch cushions. But stuff has to get done. I have to cook. I have to clean. I have to do these things. Otherwise, they will be nudists. They'll make it in the laundry and they will die of starvation because there's no food. You know, and so there's this reality that as a mom, I need to do these things, but yet also I understand that my child is more important to me than a clean house. What do I do with that tension?

Yeah, I don't know if you've ever thought this. I'm sure you've heard these things. I feel like I see all over social media or you hear this talked about a lot, like you only have 18 summers with your kids and then like...

Oh, and it's like the knife goes in and like twists.

Yeah, you're like, oh my gosh, and my child's six, so I only have 12. It's almost like this wave of fear and anxiety comes over me. Like, have you ever felt that when people tell you that?

I have. There was something that I saw the other day that like, was jars, like days of like M&Ms and everything. And they're like, by the time, so this is your newborn of how many M&M days you have with them, and then this is when they're two, and then this is when they're five, and this is when they're 12, and you're watching the jar go to nothing, and the mom in me is just like, no, no, that's so bad. Like, you don't wanna see that representation.

And you're just trying to, like, I think I'm trying to just survive today.

I know.

Like, I'm just trying to survive, and then I feel like on the flip side of that I see on social media You know, it's like I'm like, okay, I hear that advice, right? And I'm like, I'm gonna be more present like, you know, I'm all determined But then on the flip side I see social media or like I have been kind of shamed by other moms that like my house Isn't pristine, you know, like oh like I then compare like, okay, so but what about this? I'm not doing this other moms are saying that having a pristine house and having all your toys that is also important. So sometimes I feel that guilt like and I can't do anything right and

I think this is something that I'm sure all moms struggle with for me you and I are both stay-at-home moms and so the expectation that sometimes out there is a stay-at-home mom because they're not going out of the house the house has to be perfect. Because that's like our job. And that's an extra pressure that I think all moms feel, right? But that I struggle with because there's this expectation because I'm labeled as a stay at home mom, my house is supposed to be, you know, a step up or something because I don't have an excuse.

Exactly.

Like, it's like a, like, oh, like, you know, a review, a job review. Like this measures whether you're good at your job or not, you know, and I think I do that to myself. And then at other times I feel like guilt like the other day, which I think can be conviction, like with my daughter, you know, am I on my phone too much? Am I choosing myself over, you know, things or am I choosing less important things like social media over hanging out with my kids? So I think sometimes it can be like a genuine conviction, at least for me.

Yeah, it can for me too.

But a lot of times it's like unrealistic expectations too that I just can't meet.

Yeah, so kind of as we talk through this, do you mind sharing like what are some of like your guilt triggers, I guess is maybe a good way to say it, like what happens internally in your mind when you see something that triggers that guilt around being present versus productive?

I think I kind of spiral into like, oh, I've already messed up. I can't redeem this. Like wallowing in self-pity, I do that. And just feeling like a failure to my children, like my children deserve better. Yeah, and just kind of those thoughts consume me. And I become like a little obsessed over those thoughts in that moment. And they take me away from my kids even further.

Yeah, I know for me, I married my high school sweetheart. And so we dated a long time and we knew that we were going to get married. And before I had kids or before we were married, I would talk to him and have all these expectations that like, hey, I'm so excited to get married because I'll have dinner ready for you when you get home on the table and I'm going to make you all of these great meals and I was so excited to do that. I'm like, and then when we have kids, it's going to look like this and I had all of these expectations and then it turns out it's actually different. I anticipated and so when he comes home and I haven't started cooking, but you know the dinner meal yet and then ends up being bowls of cereal or you know different things. I feel like I'm failing my husband because I set all of these expectations for him of what it would be like. And then I'm like, oh, I'm a failure because I didn't do this. For me, my personality is I love to have the list and I love to have the check marks and I love to see all those boxes checked off. And I really struggle when those aren't checked off. And so having this false expectation of what I thought it would be like, and then it turns out when reality doesn't match that, I feel really guilty and think I must be doing something wrong.

Yeah, I've said this before. I was the best parent, like amazing parent, before I actually had children. I thought I was gonna be the most perfect mom, and then once I actually had children and that wasn't true, it left me in kind of like a state of where do I go from here? So I feel like kind of the next question we ask in this is like, how do we do this well? How do we do both well? I don't know. When you figure it out, can you tell me? I was gonna say my first thought is you can't. Yeah. You can't. We will probably struggle with this tension the rest of our lives. And I think like it's not just unique to when your kids are in the house. Talking to my mom, who like my brother and I are both grown up and have our own kids, she still really struggles because then she has her days set out for what she's going to do. And then if my brother and I call her and say, hey, do you want to do this with me? She's like, oh, but I already scheduled this thing. I'm so sorry.

And she feels guilty. I'm like, yeah, don't feel guilty. Like you don't need to feel that. And so I don't think this is even something that's going to go away when your kids are out of the house.

Yeah, like I wonder if that transfers to your grandchildren, you know?

Talking to my mom, yeah, it does because there's still stuff that like when they come over to spend the night, my mom's awesome, she like takes the whole

kid. She is awesome.

Overnight, she'll be like, oh, you guys, I can't do this right now because I got to make you food. And the kids will be like, but grandma, and I'm like, she's making you food, leave her alone.

Get off her back!

She loves you!

So funny.

And I think what's so important is I can see that in another person and call it out and be like, that's ridiculous. Don't feel guilty about that. But then I do it to myself all the time. And so I would never talk to another mom the way that I talk to myself about it.

Yeah, exactly. And I think it's good to be intentional. I think we should want to be present. That should be a great desire that we want to be that close and have, you know, a bond with our kids and do things with them. But we need to have grace for ourselves, knowing that we cannot do it all. We physically can't do it all. We can't be everything to everyone.

Yeah.

And I think sometimes in that, so I'm going to take it kind of big, big picture here a

second.

In those moments when I feel that way, if I can examine my heart, I'm trying to be like God because who's the only person that can be everywhere doing all of the things at once? It's God. Yeah. And so in those moments when I'm like, oh, I'm so frustrated that I can't do this at the same time as this. Well, God designed me with limits. I'm not actually supposed to be able to do all of those things. And so I'm trying to like push up against the God-given limits that He's given me, and I'm frustrated that I can't be more like God, and God never designed me to not have limits, right? I mean, we have a physical body. We need like eight hours of sleep. We have different things that He's given us, and I think possibly part of the reason He gave them to us is a constant reminder, because my heart, I need to be told, Hey, Stephanie, you're not me. You're not God. Yeah, it pushes us to rely and lean on Him, and I don't like that. I like to be self-sufficient and productive and do things myself and that's really hard when I can't. Yeah, because I want to be. I want to be the superhero. Yeah, who doesn't? We can't be God. We're not the superhero. As much as I want to be. Yeah, God is the superhero. So I feel like it kind of goes back to, you know, whether you're present or productive at whatever times, do it for the glory of God. You know, folding laundry is kingdom work.

Doing the dishes is kingdom work.

It doesn't feel great, but it is. It's important.

Yeah, and snuggling your child, discipling them, loving them is kingdom work. Like I think we need to remember that and we can glorify God in all of those things.

And I think sometimes there's this lie that I believe that those are mutually exclusive, right? So at the beginning, like I think back to the days when I had an infant, they could sit in a swing while they nap, while I fold laundry and stuff, so I could feel like I could be present with them and they're sleeping, so I didn't feel guilty because they were not conscious that I was not holding them, and I could get stuff done. But then as I added my second, third, and fourth child to the mix, things looked a lot different and I no longer had a... Not even sustained because babies like don't sleep for a long time, but I didn't have times when they would take naps. And so there was no like times when they were occupied doing stuff that I didn't feel guilty to go like fold laundry. Yeah. And so there's different seasons in my life where I feel this differently, you know, how I felt it as having an infant is different now with I have like an eight year old and an almost seven year old that kind of can take her brothers outside and play with them. I can do some laundry. They're playing with their siblings. They're having fun. I don't really feel guilty for being like inside sneaking in some housework because they're entertained. You know, so that to me, it looks different now than it did even like babies.

Yeah. And I don't know if this is comforting to you, but I want to share like this piece of wisdom that my mother in law gave me, she told me, you know, when you're doing dishes, folding laundry, caring for the home, you are still training and discipling your children to do that, to love their families. You're teaching them something even when we don't think we are. And so that has stuck with me.

Oh, that is so helpful.

Yeah, like they are going to grow up to be adults who need to know how to do laundry and the dishes. And it's important for them to see a parent who does those things too.

Yeah, so kind of what you're saying, I'm having kind of a minor epiphany in my brain right now. So like even the way that we frame this episode of you can be present or productive is kind of this lie that we have to choose. That while you're present with your kids, first off, you are being productive with them because you're nurturing their souls. You're building a relationship. It makes me think of this Babylon Bee thing that I saw the other day. My dad sent it to me because he knows I struggle with it. But the article was something like, I've done nothing today, says mom who has spent her day, what is it?

Taking care of kids probably.

Yeah, like nurturing infinitely important human souls.

Yes, exactly.

I'm like, oh, they're making fun of the guilt that I feel. That's that's that's well done, Babylon Bee.

Humor is good. It's medicine for the soul sometimes.

It is.

But this idea of it being present with our kids and gaining a relationship doesn't mean that we're not being productive. Yeah, we are being productive.

And then even when you're being productive doesn't mean you're not present.

That is also true.

It looks like kind of like it doesn't like you said it doesn't exist. It's just overall a lie, although it feels like it's one or the other, you know, good or bad.

Yeah. And so as I do these things, if I actually had that tension in check, I wouldn't have to feel guilty that I'm choosing one over the other realizing that I'm actually doing both and it's okay, man. So okay, as we're talking about this, I think one of the things that has been really helpful for me and I stumbled across this verse as we knew we were going to do this episode earlier this week. And so as I'm reading different things, this actually just struck out, stuck out to me. And it's Psalm 127, verse three, and it says, children are a gift from the Lord. They are a reward from Him. And that verse like cut through my heart because I so often view my children as an obstacle to my productivity versus them being a gift. Like, oh, like that was really hard when I realized that because it's not fun, I'd say, like pointed out, but it's like, man, I would never say that to them. Like, I would never look into my child's face and be like, you are an obstacle to my productivity, child.

Yeah, I've been there.

But my heart was saying that, and I'm like, man, if I actually view them as a gift, that is crazy. Like that would totally change the inner dialogue that's going on in my head as I'm frustrated that I can't finish my ditches right now because my child is asking me to turn something on for them. Yeah, it changes our view of it, of how we do it, and just what a, like I said, a blessing and a gift that it is to have children and to love them and spend time with them. And even like thinking through like to love them to spend time with them like God designed them that way like he didn't design in his plan that children from the day that they were born would be super self-sufficient and be able to do everything for themselves. Children are actually designed and God like created them to need us. And so this idea of like I can only be productive. I can't be present with them. Well, that's not the way God designed it. You know, even thinking back to like to Bible times, like they didn't have a washing machine, you know, they didn't have a dishwasher and all of these different appliances that you and I do. Yeah, they, I think the Israelites we see in the Bible have actually a really high view of children when all the surrounding like communities and stuff like they didn't. They viewed children as like this obstacle or this thing that will give me like money or they were almost like monetized. Yeah. So we're like the Bible we actually see paints a totally different picture for us that children are gifts from the Lord. And so having God designed them as a gift and stuff like it doesn't surprise him that we struggle with this because we're constantly taking gifts and turning them into idols. Yeah. If that makes any sense.

Yeah. And we see in scripture that work is good, you know, working and doing things like that is good. But yet again, are we making an idol? Are we making productivity our God? And kind of fighting that tension. I feel like the only scripture that I found that really stood out to me was in Colossians 3, verse 2, set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. And it just kind of helped to frame my perspective and my heart posture, even when I am being present or productive, is am I set on things above and not earthly things?

Yeah, that's such a good reminder because, you know, the laundry, like this, what I think is hard is the stuff that we're trying to do for our household and to serve our family is important. Yeah, but then keeping that in check with attention that like our children have eternal souls. And so the time that we spend with them and nurturing them and teaching them about the Lord or just like loving on them, like that has eternal significance that maybe like a swept floor in that moment would not. But both are important. It's not like you can just choose one and never the other, but this balance of you're actually you can do both at the same time. That's okay.

Yeah. And even caring for your home and your children by having clean dishes to eat off is still setting them up for success and for them to have a relationship with the Lord so they don't have to worry about those things. Like it can be a position of servanthood and loving your family well, if that makes sense.

Yeah, it absolutely does. So I think, listener, as we close down our time here together, we kind of want to leave you with this, that the next time that you feel guilty and pulled in two different directions of being productive versus being present with your kids, you guys can remember that that's a false tension that you're trying to create, that you can be both present and productive and doing one and not the other doesn't make you a bad mom.

Yeah.

That we can remember that God made our children the way they are to need us and to want that love and that we can praise God that he has blessed us with the children that we have and we don't have to feel guilty over not being able to do everything Because God didn't design us as mom to do everything Amen, we can rely on him for that knowing that God is God and we are not the daily reminder that we need So I think you can go and you can live on burden from the skill knowing that whether you are choosing in the moment to Be present with your kids or sneaking in some housework that you are a beloved daughter of God. See you next time.

Bye.

So, listener, we really want to hear from you. If you are struggling in areas of mom guilt, we want to talk to you in the specific topics that you're maybe struggling with, and we would love to get an email from you letting us know what those are. So if you could please email us at momguiltpodcast at gmail.com or message us on any of our social media platforms that we're on. We would love to hear you and because our desire is to create content that's genuine conversations for us but also that's really helpful to you as a listener. conversations for us but also that's really helpful to you as a listener. So if you could email us that would be great.