Mom Guilt: Balancing Academics and Summer Fun

In this week's episode of the Mom Guilt podcast, co-hosts Elizabeth and Stephanie share their personal struggles and guilt around summer academics for their kids. As moms with multiple children, they discuss the pressure they feel to ensure their kids' academic progress during the summer break while also wanting them to enjoy their childhood and have fun.

Elizabeth opens up about her eight-year-old daughter's health issues and her difficult decision to remove gluten from her diet, causing emotional challenges for both mom and daughter. Stephanie shares her experience homeschooling and the guilt she faced when her planned summer academic activities didn't go as expected.

Both co-hosts delve into the complexities of mom guilt and the tendency to compare themselves to others. They emphasize the importance of seeking God's perspective and understanding that their identity as moms is not defined by their children's academic achievements.

Throughout the episode, they remind listeners that both work and rest come from the Lord, and it's essential to find a balance between academics and allowing their kids to enjoy their summer break. They encourage moms to focus on their heart posture, motives, and why they make certain decisions regarding summer academics.

The episode concludes with a call for listeners to share their mom guilt struggles, allowing the hosts to address specific topics and questions in future episodes. The Mom Guilt podcast aims to create a supportive community for moms navigating the challenges of motherhood with a gospel-centered approach.

To find more gospel-centered resources head to https://www.resoundmedia.cc

Transcript

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Elizabeth
Hi, my name is Elizabeth and I'm one of the co-hosts here on the Mom Guilt podcast. Thank you for taking the time to listen. And if you've been a listener for a while now, please, please, please take the time to rate and review this podcast. This is how we're going to get out to other moms who need to hear the gospel. And also, if you find this content helpful, please take time to share with another mom who may be struggling in the midst of mom guilt.

Stephanie
Let's jump into this week's episode on guilt around summer academics. Hello, welcome to this week's episode of the Mom Guilt podcast. This podcast is simply a conversation between friends. Elizabeth and I have been friends for a long time now, and together we have seven kids. My husband and I have four kids, and her and her husband have three kids. And with that many kiddos to love and to take care of, we have found that it also gives us a healthy, well, unhealthy dose of mom guilt right alongside there. And so we found like during play dates or phone calls that we'd have, we would just be calling each other just really frustrated and feeling really guilty and weighed down. And the other person that we would talk to would encourage us and point us to the gospel. And that's our hope for this podcast is that we can be those people to you that when you're feeling mom guilt, we can point you to the gospel. Yeah, absolutely. I am Stephanie and the last time that I felt mom guilt was actually it's been going on for a long time. This is one of those slow hit of the guilt that just continues to climb. My daughter has had stomach issues on and off like we've taken her to the doctor for probably the last year and a half. And through different things, like my husband just found out he actually has a gluten and dairy intolerance, which didn't show up on any of an allergy testing type stuff, and so my husband and I are like, maybe there's a higher chance that my daughter has it if my husband does, because it could be a genetic thing. What if all of these stomach problems and stomach aches every night are caused from gluten and dairy? And so we made the really hard decision to like take her off gluten. And it's so hard. I have felt so guilty because I'm doing this because I love her and I want her to feel better. But it's so hard to explain to an eight year old that you can't have the donuts that other kids are having because mom and dad are experimenting to see if this makes you feel better to take gluten out of your diet. And it has been so hard. That's so hard because kids tend to think in the right now, you know, but I

Elizabeth
want this right now. They don't necessarily think of like long-term or

Stephanie
big picture. Yeah, cuz I'll find her like, I'm like, where's she at? And I'll like go to her bed and she's like sitting at her bed crying and she's like, I just want to eat what all the other kids eat, mom. Like, but honey, have you had stomachache since we have done this? And she's like, no. Like, but it's making you feel better. She's like, yeah, but I just really want what they have. It's only trying to have that conversation with an eight year old. It's so hard. And it just rips my heart. And I feel so guilty. Because, you know, what if, why didn't I catch this sooner? You know, but then also, like, what if this isn't actually like helping her? I think it is. But what if it's not? And I'm just causing all of this pain, and frustration that she can't have these foods for nothing. I don't know I don't know the future well first of all you're trying to love her and care for her and This is a short period of time in her life. You know it will not You know it will hopefully it's sure Thing but yeah, but she will adjust she will a strong one

Elizabeth
Yeah, better you're right than her being in pain or hurting her body and she will grow up and she'll understand. And you are a good mom.

Stephanie
Thank you.

Elizabeth
Who loves her baby. She's your oldest, but she's still your baby. And it's not your fault that you didn't know earlier. How could you have known?

Stephanie
I know, but I think as a mom, you always look back and you're like, why didn't I see this earlier? And so I'm beating myself up with that.

Elizabeth 
Yeah.

Stephanie
Thank you.

Elizabeth
I need that. Yeah, of course. Well, my name is Elizabeth and the last time that I felt mom guilt was actually I think it was like two nights ago my youngest She takes her diaper off at night. So it's like terrible and we've tried onesies We've tried so many things and she takes it off and then she just like pees the bed Oh, I know and so we put a sleep sack on her like we have to put it on backwards because she can unzip it That's a mom trick right there. I know. Put it on backwards so they can't get it off. Seriously. Take note listener. Yeah exactly and so we've been doing that and one of the nights it was just really hot and we have air conditioning up there and everything but it was just so hot and I was like I'm gonna go check on her and she was so sweaty. Oh. And she was, I felt so bad. I felt so bad and she was like milk, milk.

Stephanie
And so she's thirsty.

Elizabeth
Yeah.

Stephanie
And I just felt like the worst mom, like, oh my goodness.

Elizabeth
Oh, you're not.

Stephanie
Oh my goodness. You checked on her. I know after a little bit I checked on her. So how long have babies lived without air conditioning? It's true, but she was okay. She was all but you know, just it was that feeling of like I put the sleep sac on her and then she could have overheated. And yeah, and so you know what?

Elizabeth
She's fine.

Stephanie
She is.

Stephanie
She's healthy. You were a good mom. You were doing something to try to help her. Yeah, something that feels like you can't win. Just sleep.

Elizabeth
Don't take your diaper off. But then you're going to overheat. But no, it will be okay. She won't take her diaper off forever.

Stephanie
She won't. She won't be in diapers forever. We did an episode on this.

Elizabeth 
That could be our hope.

Elizabeth
Boom. That's what I'm going to think of every time. She won't need diapers someday. It's true, I need that.

Stephanie
Well today we are talking about mom guilt from summer academics, or the lack thereof, right? Like, I don't know, so we homeschool, but I still, like, I had this great plan that I printed off these worksheets and my daughter, so we're gonna do a math worksheet and then read 15 minutes every day. We enrolled them in the summer reading program and all this stuff and it went really, really good for three days and then they started fighting me on it and I persevered for a week and a half and then I just stopped caring because I'm like, this is too hard, I quit. But now I feel really guilty because it's like, okay, well, but what if they slide back? Because there's this thing called the summer slide that if you don't have your kids work on stuff, they're going to forget during the summer vacation and then you're going to start up school and they'll be really far behind and then it feels like they'll be behind for life and then they'll never graduate high school and then they'll never get a job and move out. All because they didn't do kindergarten math, people.

Elizabeth
No, I feel this so strong. I shared, I think, briefly in another episode that my oldest, who just graduated kindergarten. His teacher had mentioned that she was concerned about his reading in the summer sliding. And I remember feeling so guilty, like I should have read with him more, I should have prevented this more. And so now his teacher's coming once a week and reading with him, and I just feel terrible. I feel like, oh no, he's gonna go on to school and always be behind. And like you said, like if somehow I have set him up to fail and my own doing has impacted his future. And I don't know if that makes sense.

Stephanie
No, it does.

Stephanie
And I think it's really interesting that you and I are both struggling with the same thing, even though we do different school choices.

Elizabeth
Exactly, like those same guilt intentions are still there, whether you homeschool, Christian school, public school, it's all hard. It is. Yeah, and I feel like, I don't know how to explain it. I feel this tension, like I want to have him ready for the next year, but then I also want him to enjoy summer. Do you feel that?

Stephanie
Oh, for sure. I feel that like with homeschooling, because part of the reason my husband and I chose, I mean, there's a lot of reasons that we homeschool. We're actually going to do, all right, here's a sneak peek for you guys that are listening to this one. There is a three-part miniseries that is in the works that we're gonna have a really awesome guest on, and we're gonna have three episodes in each episode dedicated to talking about guilt around a specific school choice. So I'm gonna be talking about homeschooling guilt, you're gonna be talking about public school guilt, and then we're gonna have a guest on who's gonna talk about Christian or private schooling guilt that comes with that. So just kind of a caveat here, like, hey, this is coming. But it's just so interesting, and one of the things that I have had so many people encourage me on that are homeschooling moms that are like down the road is like, you know what, they might take longer to read at the beginning, but by like third or fourth grade, there's pretty much you even out and you can't like if you if you're looking at kids, and if you're even a teacher in a public classroom, you wouldn't be able to pick out this kid struggles in kindergarten, and this one didn't, because they're all going to kind of come. Kids just learn at different paces. Yeah. And so that's just something that like I continue to need that reminder. So I just want to encourage you with that. Just because your son is maybe struggling right now doesn't mean he always will. And I feel like as an adult, I'm not continuing to read like at advanced grade levels. Like there's some point in adulthood where you're like, I'm just going to read and not care about the reading level. And that kind of goes away. I don't know, so looking at a big picture, like I think it will be fine, but we can get so caught up and so anxious looking at right here and right now and forgetting the big picture, and sometimes I need that reminder. Yeah, definitely, I feel like I'm in that, and when I don't know any different,

Elizabeth
I mean, I only know what I'm going through now.

Stephanie
Well, and you only have one kid that's reading, too. Yeah. So like, this is your first. Exactly. So you don't even have another kid to compare it to be like, oh, this is normal.

Elizabeth
Yeah. Kind of like when your children are little and you're like, they all walk at different paces. They all talk at, you know, different times. It's similar to that. I'm almost going through that again. And it's kind of uncomfortable. It really is. And I feel like, you know, I want sometimes I'm on one section where I'm like, sit down, we're going to do this, this, this, this, you know,

Stephanie
you're not falling behind. And then the other end of it where I'm like he needs rest too. You're a kid go be a kid. Yeah. Because you can't be a kid when you're 18. Yeah. Not the way you can when you're five. Exactly and I'm almost like how much it has changed since I was in kindergarten. When I was in kindergarten it was like half days. Now kindergarten is all day. When you and I went to kindergarten like what was in first grade is now second grade. Like everything seems like it's more advanced and I asked one of my friends who was a teacher, I'm like, this seems to me like this is more advanced. And she goes, oh, no, it is. Like, what you learned in preschool is now like expected in kindergarten. And what you learned in kindergarten is now, like, everything is a year advanced.

Stephanie
If that makes sense.

Elizabeth
That's how it feels.

Stephanie
And so to have her tell me that, I'm like, oh, it's not just in my head.

Elizabeth
No, that was like, oh, all right. And I just like, there's so much pressure on kids. And I almost don't want to put too much pressure on my child. I want them to, like you said, be a kid, have the summer off to swim and do all these things. And I just struggle with that tension. And it's just hard. It feels like sometimes I'm not doing either of those well. I'm failing at both.

Stephanie
What I think you said was really key. You were talking about tensions and balance. And I think so often, when you put more emphasis on one than the other, we feel really guilty. But I just want to encourage you that it's okay and it's good for you to want your kid to be a kid when they're a kid in the summer. And that's okay. You know, there's this drive and culture, it seems like lately that your kid has to be advanced. I know I feel that in the homeschooling world, because, you know, there are moms that will homeschool and they'll bring on these Facebook groups. And if you're this mom that has an advanced kid, that's awesome. I'm really happy for you. But what I found for me is I'd compare. So when I've got this mom on a Facebook group that's like, my 5-year-old just completed level 3 reading, which is 3rd grade public school, I'm immediately like, well, I want my kid to do that. So what am I doing wrong that my kids not that advanced and they hate reading right now. Like why is your kid reading in a third level grade? Yeah. And mine is in kindergarten and I would get really worked up and that's okay for that mom to have her kid advance. That's awesome. But just because that's her experience doesn't mean it needs to be mine. I feel like we talked about this in a previous episode basically and I kind of feel like I just realized this. I'm almost kind of leaning into that lie that my child's behavior, or even their academic success, or maybe lack of success, let's say, is a reflection of me. I super struggle with that as a homeschooling mom. That is such a huge insecurity for me. Yeah. And like, I feel the full weight of teaching them, and if they're not learning well, I'm the only one that people can point fingers at, say, you must have done something wrong. Yeah. And that's really hard.

Elizabeth
Yeah. So when they are falling behind, which happens, that happens, and that probably won't be the first time that they will struggle with something. It's almost like, I'm a bad mom. I failed. It's my fault. But then you have the flip side, that if your child is really gifted and advanced, there's that pride. I've been there. Some of my children were early talkers and I'm like, look at me. And I can fall into the pride side of it, like it is because of what I've done. And not to say that what we do doesn't help, and we're called to that attention, we're called to teach them and like you are their teacher.

Stephanie
For good, bad, and ugly.

Elizabeth
Yeah, so taking that seriously is important, but at the same time, it shouldn't define us as moms.

Stephanie
Yeah. So, I mean, like, whether you're letting your kid, if you are, like, on track with the summer reading program and are all about that and are doing the summer worksheets, that is awesome. Like, that's cool. But I think for me, when I'm not doing that, I so often fall into this comparison of me comparing myself to other moms. And when I compare, I'll either, if I'm feeling a little saucy and spicy this day, I'll like look at a mom where I feel like isn't doing as well as I'm doing and I'll look at it and be like, oh, I actually shouldn't feel guilty because I'm better than her. How horrible is that? That's something that goes on in my head that I don't like saying out loud, but if I'm going to be honest in this conversation, I need to. Yeah, that like, I'll do that comparison, which is which is just horrible. But then also, if I'm feeling really bad that day, I'll look at a mom that has like heard five year old and calculus or something that I've read about. And I'm like, I am such a failure. I just need to do this summer work and to just push through and if I put in this work, then my kids going to be ready for calculus when they're, you know, in second grade or whatever. And so comparison will always lead me down a bad path. Yeah. And I heard you saying this earlier, too. It's, it's either going to say, wow, I'm so much better than that mom, or it's going to say, well, I'm horrible. Yeah. And in those moments, my heart is skewed. And it's it's not where it should be aligned, either. Yeah. And we kind of talked about this, what sets the bar of failing or passing, right? And that's really where we need to look to Scripture. What defines us?

Elizabeth
What does God say about this?

Stephanie
Well, I think it's really interesting because so often when I'm looking at something, I somehow think that I must have done something or I'm being rewarded for something. And it's so interesting because Scripture, if you read it, like sometimes it will paint a very different picture. Yeah. You know, so thinking of verses like 1 Corinthians 4, 7, it says, for who sees anything different in you, what do you have that you did not receive? If then you received it, why are you boasting? You received it, meaning that it's not something that you have done or earned. And there's, you know, in in that verse, it's talking about all the things that we have can't really be attributed to us. It's because God gave them to us. And so if you're using summer work and your kid's doing really well, that's awesome. You can praise God for the ability that you have the resources that he gave you, that he, you know, gave you a brain to know where to find these things and the people that created these resources. That's a gift from the Lord. And in those moments when you're feeling like, oh, I'm failing. Okay, first off, you're not failing as a mom for not having your kids do summer worksheets and stuff. But in those moments, go, you know what? God has given me other things that I'm giving my child right now. I'm giving my child great summer memories. That they're not maybe doing math and English, but they're maybe learning how to be a kid. Maybe they're learning about fireflies and you can teach them about bioluminescence and that's how the fireflies light. Even just talking to your kids, if you're making cookies, hey kids, we're going to make cookies today. You're still teaching your kids things. It might not be reading and writing, but you're teaching them that I love you. And this is a secure relationship that you can always come to me.

Elizabeth
Yeah, I also feel like we can teach and model to our children that their identity is not in their grade or where they are academically, because it fluctuates. If we're telling them that their worth is only in where they are with academics, they will be lost. And so this is a time to say, yeah, we can work on this. You know, it is good. Schooling is good, but it does not define you. That's not where your worth comes from. And just like tell your children that and teach that and model that to them, I think is super important.

Stephanie
Yeah, I think one of the other things that I just kind of want to share with my personal experience because with comparison, I struggle with this so much that you know, looking at other moms of what they're doing this, how come I'm not doing this. And there's actually a picture on Facebook that just popped up, you know, how like the Facebook memories from so many years ago. Well, this is one from about three years ago. And my husband has gone through some very significant health problems. And it started in probably May or March, somewhere around there. And so it was similar to Fourth of July, which is why it just popped up in my newsfeed. But he was at his lowest weight he'd ever been. He couldn't stand up without seeing stars. He was so malnourished. Doctors didn't know what was going wrong. And there was this picture that I have of him and me, and I'm leaning like into him, like you see all the cute couples and stuff and I'm smiling and I'm looking at this picture and my husband looks like you can see all of his cheekbones. It's like a skeletal, that's how unhealthy he was. And I posted that picture on Facebook because that's what you're supposed to do when there's family gatherings or big like parties and stuff like that's just part of the social media thing. And thinking about how people would look at that picture, they would probably say, oh, look at what a great Fourth of July they're having.

Elizabeth
This is so sweet.

Stephanie
She has everything all together. That was one of the hardest seasons in my life. And I look at that picture and it makes me want to cry. Because I was trying to put on this face that everything was okay. I had everything all together. It was fine. And my life was falling apart. And so to look at what that summer, my capacity for what I could do that summer was like I needed to keep my kids alive. And if I thought anything beyond that, I would start struggling and spiraling and I couldn't deal with it. And so to think through like your season of what your summer looks like, maybe there are summers when you're going to like do summer worksheets every day. And that's great. There's also going to be summers. I know there has been in my life where you're going to let your kids play in the pool and in the sprinkler and do all of the things because you just can't do anymore.

Elizabeth
Yeah, I think that's such a good point because it's a reminder that it's okay to have seasons where you're just surviving motherhood.

Stephanie
And it's all going to look different for you. Like, you know, you have had seasons of survival that are different than mine, but we're all going to have suffering and trials in our life as Christians. That's just part of the Christian life. And so to recognize that and to be prepared and to give yourself grace in those seasons where things aren't going as expected is super important. And I wish I would have given myself more grace in that season.

Elizabeth
Yeah. And you know, we say just surviving, but the reality is when we're just surviving, we're still providing our children with food and love in a safe place, snuggles. We say just surviving, but we're doing a lot, even in just the bare minimum, just surviving, right?

Stephanie
Yeah. And that, just surviving, that's an awesome thing. God has called you to take care of and steward your kids. That's great. We are not trying to minimize that. We're just saying that at some seasons in my life, that was my to-do list today. To feed my kids, to keep them clothed if I can,

Elizabeth
to change diapers and just make it until bedtime. Yeah, and that's okay, you're still a good mom. You are. And so it kind of goes back to whether you feel like you're just surviving, you can't handle one more thing like schoolwork for your child, or maybe you're in a season where you're feeling like, oh, I can handle a lot right now. This is great. Do not boast. Do not feel hopeless, but do it all for the glory of God, knowing that your identity is

Stephanie
not in what you do. Right. Well, and I think in knowing that God sees that, too, right? So I think of like Proverbs 5, verse 3, it says, the eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good. And so God is all knowing, he's all seeing, he's there. He knows our heart intentions better than we do ourselves. And so in those moments where you're like, God, I'm just surviving, please help me. That's like, you know what, that's okay. I see that and I see your heart posture in that and that's okay. And I think that that to me is just like, okay, you know, whose opinion ultimately matters? It's God's. Yeah. And God sees our hearts. And even in those hardest moments, we can still glorify him if our heart posture is correct in doing that.

Elizabeth
Yeah, absolutely. That is a good reminder because sometimes you feel alone in it and to know you're not

Stephanie
alone that God sees you, he is there for you, is brings me a lot of peace. And even so, I mean, taking that and directly applying it to like the summer work of the summer, like the schoolwork for our kids too. So if God sees all and he knows all, like, kind of like, as a mom, I need to make sure I'm doing a heart check, like what's why, what's my why? Because I think we you can either do the summer worksheet, or you can let your kids be kids and not do summer worksheets. And God can be glorified in each of those outcomes. And it's completely dependent on what is your heart motivation behind it. So when I say like heart check, that's what I mean. Yeah. I'm like, what's your why behind it? Are you doing it to try to make your kid excel in academics because that's their identity? Well, that's bad. Are you doing schoolwork so that you can have structure and to teach your kids that we persevere?

Elizabeth
That's great.

Stephanie
Yeah. So you can do that outcome with a good or bad heart intention. And then on the flip side, you know, not doing it with your kids. Are you doing it sometimes because you're lazy and you know that it's best and you just don't want to? Well, maybe that needs to be explored as to why that is. Or are you not doing your summer worksheets to let your kids be kids and to focus on other things in math and reading that year during the summer?

Elizabeth
You're just surviving that summer.

Stephanie
That's fine too.

Stephanie
Yeah. You know, and so it's kind of a long drawn out example of each of those, but I think it's just important to realize that as a Christian, God cares just as much, if not more, about our why we do things as moms rather than the actual outcome. Because the outcome of doing summer work or not doing summer work, ultimately in the grand scheme of things, there's not like Bible verses where it says thou shalt have thy child do like math sheets every year, every day during the summer. You know, that's not in there, but in those moments, we can either be sinning or we can glorify God by doing those worksheets or not.

Elizabeth
Yeah, we talk a lot about heart posture on this podcast. I think you're right. It goes right back to what is your heart posture? What is your why in it? And to constantly be thinking of that and checking that and talking with your spouse, your husband, and making sure that the heart posture behind whatever you do is good, is seeking the Lord.

Stephanie
Yeah, because that's where our mom guilt comes from, right? It's, am I doing this? I'm feeling this conviction of this condemnation. Pick that apart with a girlfriend, pick that apart with you and I on the podcast, pick it apart with your husband, like, why are you feeling that guilt? And if it's something that maybe you need to repent of, then you can do that and be like, great, God has forgiven me for that. And if it's something that's like, well, maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on academics. Well, maybe, you know, you, you cracked a little bit in that. But either way, having that conversation, and pointing yourself towards scripture and your heart postures to the white, that's really how you're going to be have any relief from this mom guilt that we feel.

Elizabeth
Yeah, absolutely. And it takes practice and time. And that's why you need good, godly women who are going to encourage that.

Stephanie
Yeah, and have the same conversations over and over and over again. Because we don't get it right away.

Elizabeth
So true.

Stephanie
Yeah, so kind of let's start, as we close down our time here together, we just kind of want to leave you with this. But if you're feeling guilty over not having your kids complete their summer work packet, that's okay. You can draw back and you can look at the big picture. You can have conversations about things and learn things in other ways than a worksheet. And as Christian moms, we actually can use this opportunity to talk to our kids about balance, about the balance of being a kid and yet working and all of these different balances that as an adult, they're going to have to navigate. We can give our kids a jumpstart on that as kids over something silly, like summer math worksheets or silent reading during the summer. So you guys can go and you can live your life unburdened from this guilt around summer academics, knowing that both work and rest come from the Lord. Until next time, see you later. Bye. We really want to hear from you, listener. If you would be able to email us ways that you are struggling with mom guilt so that we can speak specifically to those topics, we would love to hear from you. If you could email us at momguiltpodcast at gmail.com, we will respond to that and we will, if it's okay with you, read that email on a podcast and specifically address those questions and specifically address those questions or those topics that you really would like us to speak to.