Mom Guilt: Welcoming Baby Number Two

Bringing home baby number two is an exciting yet challenging moment in a mother's life. In this heartfelt episode, join hosts Elizabeth and Stephanie as they delve into the world of mom guilt that often accompanies this significant transition.

Elizabeth and Stephanie share their personal experiences and candidly discuss the overwhelming emotions of having two children, especially when outnumbered by little ones. From sleepless nights to juggling the needs of a newborn and a toddler, they offer relatable anecdotes that many mothers can connect with.

The hosts touch on the guilt that can arise from not being able to provide the same undivided attention to the firstborn and the fear of missing out on those precious moments. They share stories of navigating the complexities of emotions during this period, from unexpected feelings of mourning to postpartum rage.

Through their conversation, Elizabeth and Stephanie shed light on the realities of motherhood and the complex mix of emotions that come with it. While it's undoubtedly challenging, they emphasize that it's also a season filled with blessings, growth, and opportunities for siblings to bond.

This episode challenges societal norms and encourages listeners to celebrate life and family, reflecting on the biblical perspective that children are a heritage from the Lord. It's a reminder that mom guilt, while real, can be overcome through support, empathy, and embracing the beautiful journey of welcoming a new life into the family.

Whether you're expecting your second child, in the midst of this transition, or simply seeking relatable insights into motherhood, this episode offers valuable perspectives and a sense of camaraderie. Join hosts Elizabeth and Stephanie as they navigate the joys and challenges of expanding their families, one baby at a time.

Tune in to "Navigating Mom Guilt" and discover that you're not alone in your feelings and experiences as a mother. It's a journey worth taking, filled with love, growth, and cherished moments.

To find more gospel-centered resources head to https://www.resoundmedia.cc

Transcript

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Hi, my name's Elizabeth and I'm one of the co-hosts here on the Mom Guilt podcast. Thank you for taking the time to listen. And if you've been a listener for a while now, please, please, please take the time to rate and review this podcast. This is how we're going to get out to other moms who need to hear the gospel. And also, if you find this content helpful, please take time to share with another mom who may be struggling in the midst of mom guilt. in bringing home baby number two.

Welcome to this week's episode of the Mom Guilt podcast.

This podcast is really just a conversation between friends. Together, Elizabeth and I have seven kids. My husband and I have four kids, and her and her husband have three kids. And we are really good friends. And one of the things we realized is we were on playdates and constantly calling each other just to bounce ideas off or to say, hey, I'm struggling with this. And a majority of those conversations, we realized, followed the theme of like mom guilt. And so we wanted to talk to each other, and we realized we weren't the only ones struggling with it. And one of the things that we also found when talking to each other is that the other one would encourage the other mom with the gospel, with what the Bible says, because so often with mom guilt, some guilt is good, right? Like guilt is conviction sometimes from the Holy Spirit. But sometimes mom guilt comes from believing unrealistic expectations or believing a lie. And so having somebody to bounce what we're feeling off of that can then respond with the truth, which is God's word was so helpful for us and unburdening ourself from this mom guilt of either to say, okay, that's not, I'm believing a lie or that's an unrealistic expectation, but sometimes it's, hey, that was sin and now I need to go and repent of that and that actually was good guilt. And so what does that look like? What does that mean? That's what this conversation is all about. I am Stephanie and the last time that I felt mom guilt was, okay, if you've been a listener for a while, you might notice a theme of my kids getting into sugary snacks when I'm not around. It's because it happened a while ago with marshmallows. I was mowing the lawn. And then earlier this week, I was downstairs trying to clean up our basement because it was so messy. I was like, I'm going to work out today. But there was legit nowhere in my basement for me to be able to like have an area to

work out. Well, your daughter's room is in there now. She is.

Yeah. Yeah, it is. So, so I'm down there trying to clean up, being a good person to get my exercise in and I come up after doing all of that and I look on the couch. I had bought like a Sam's Club bag version of saltwater taffy and the entire couch, like okay, two of my couch cushions on my sectional couch were just covered in the saltwater taffy

wrappers.

And so, okay, the saltwater taffy, because they were like, couldn't figure out how to get the wrappers undone it was like still had sticky on it so I come up my kids had eaten all of the sugar there is now like the sticky saltwater taffy mess that's on my couch cushions that I have to clean up I was so angry so

wait logistically it takes me like five minutes to chew one piece of saltwater tabby.

It apparently didn't take them that long. Now, they didn't get through the full bag, but there was probably at least 20 wrappers between my four kids that they had eaten. And I'm like, you guys know that those are for potty training only. Like, if you're going to dry in the morning

or go poop off the toilet,

that is what those are there for.

Why did you do this? And I don't know if you get this response of whenever you ask your kids, like, why are you doing this? And you're angry. You're like, I don't know. Oh, yes. Yeah. What am I actually anticipating with that insert? But oh, I was mad. But then I felt so guilty. Because I'm like, okay, I was trying to do this workout thing for me. Should I have been up with my kids? So then I'm like trying to figure out is this good girl is this bad girl? I don't. So to kind of I don't know if this is the right way to manage those days. But sometimes like I snuggle on the couch with my kids and we watch movies like for half the day. And then I feel guilty like they haven't done anything. We've watched TV all day. I don't necessarily... You snuggled and left your kids. That's what I tell myself.

But like, but you know that mom guilt like they deserve a childhood where they're out playing and going to the zoo and doing all these things and I just wasted a day of that.

Um, yeah.

So it's just like, and I know logically that it's okay. They're going to be okay even if they spend half a day watching TV, but like brain won't

turn to mush.

Gosh, I wonder sometimes my brain might, I don't know, but it's this balance of like, okay, like do I suck it up or do I take like a mental health day, you know, like, and then you feel guilty and I don't know, I haven't figured it out.

I know you and that is a balance for you. There are days where you're out and you guys just got a pool this summer, like you're doing stuff other than that.

Yeah, I wrestle with that and you probably hear me talk about that a lot.

Yeah.

So today we're talking about mom guilt when you bring home baby number two from the hospital.

Dun dun dun. Yeah, big change.

It is. For me, like, you bring home baby number two, you're now like when if your husband works outside of the house, you're outnumbered. That's intense.

And that's scary.

Yes. And then, like, with baby number one, you know, you could sleep in if the baby's kind of slept because they're on weird time frames. But no, you're a toddler. Gets up at 6am, girl. Get up. I don't care if you didn't sleep last night like it is a whole nother Game, and I just it's hard. It's fresh in my mind I mean not only is it just a hard adjustment But then you can't spend the same amount of quality time with your newborn that you did your firstborn And then you also feel guilty now that you're not getting that quality time with your firstborn You have to split it. Yeah when you left for the hospital they were a baby, right? They're two, three, maybe four, but you come back and they're like 10. They're huge in comparison to this newborn and you feel so guilty. You feel guilty all around.

There's a lot of days I remember where I just can't win. There's no way to get ahead. There's no way to make both the newborn and my other child happy. I just, I give up. I'm throwing him in the towel. I'm gonna count the minutes till my husband gets home from work because then everything will be all better and then it wasn't and so then I was angry

and it was just this huge thing that I had to work through. Yeah, yeah I remember specifically when I had my second. I remember like I finished nursing him in the middle of the night and I went into my oldest room and he was two at the time, not quite three. And I remember just looking at him, his sweeping face and crying. Like I almost had to mourn. Like I didn't quite maybe fully understand what it would mean to lose my one-on-one time with him. And I had to kind of mourn that. Like and to mourn that he wasn't my only baby and he was a big boy in a sense. And I just remember feeling that. Like it was a feeling I wasn't expecting. I don't know. I expected it to be physically hard. I don't know if I expected it fully to be emotionally hard.

Yeah, I know. Kind of like just, I don't know, a silly thing. I remember. So my kids are very close together. They're 15 and a half months apart. So my girls are 15 and a half months apart. And there's like a two year, two and a half year gap. And then I have my boys who are 15 and a half months apart. And when I brought home my second born, so my second daughter, I remember so my first one wasn't potty trained yet, so I was doing like double diapers on my older and my younger and I remember the first time I changed my older's diaper after I'd been the newborn, I'm like, your butt is huge!

And your poop smells so much worse!

But I just, you know, so I think there's some silly moments that kind of lighten it up to you, but like overall, I remember just, it's this haze of mom guilt.

And there's the sweetness of seeing them be a big brother, big sister. Yeah, and the cute little pictures of her kissing her newborn sister's head. And you always think, I can't possibly love another baby like I love my first born, but you do. Yeah. Right? Like your heart expands and it is such a, there is so many blessings in it. So if maybe you're expecting your second child, we're not trying to scare you, but we're just trying to share the mom guilt that can come along with it and that it is hard. It is. I remember it. And even going two to three or just any time you add a child, it's hard.

Yeah. And I think too, one of the things with mom guilt with baby number two is your mom guilt for the second born starts before the baby's even born. Yes. Do you remember any aspect of like even during your pregnancy that you're already

feeling that mom guilt of having a second baby? Oh my goodness well I can't play with you the same that I played with you. Yeah I'm tired I'm in pain and also like counting down the days because then you feel like I'm so tired I'm like major pregnant but yeah I know my days are limited like it's just kind of like this like it's just this scary feeling that you have to soak up every single minute before this next baby's born because you know it's like your last. Mm-hmm. You know? And it is. It's almost like too much weight to carry for one person.

Yeah, I remember being pregnant. I struggled with anger. I would get so frustrated at my 15-month-old because I had horrible nausea, like the morning sickness. And for me, it lasted, I think, every one of my pregnancies, the morning sickness lasted longer, which was not a good trend.

That's not normally how it goes, right?

No.

They say it's less.

Yeah, when I was pregnant with my first, I think it was pretty much like starting at week six through like, it was pretty much done by the first trimester when that ended. But then each one, I would get longer and longer. And so I would get so frustrated because I can't keep my breakfast down. Like I'm throwing up in the morning and yet my 15 month old is like, Mom, I'm hungry. I mean, as much as like a 15 month old can talk.

Yeah, hungry, hungry.

And so I would just get so angry. I'm like, do you not care that I am in the bathroom barfing my brains out and all you're asking me for food, which is going to make me throw up more because I'm so sensitive to the smells. And that I would get so angry that I would yell at her and lose my temper. And at 15 month old, her little lip would start like trembling and she'd start crying. And so that made me feel so guilty of like, well, that's not how I want her to remember the last days of her and me before the next baby comes. Like that was a real struggle for me.

Yeah. And you're hormonal.

And that's even true. And not to excuse sin. I mean, in those moments I was sinning. Like I don't want to diminish that. That was mom guilt. That was conviction. Like I needed to feel my sin and to repent of that.

But it can be harder. Like I know my sin, which can be anger, is amplified during the postpartum stage because you just are hormonal and like postpartum rage is a real thing where like, you know, you're sleep deprived and sometimes your toddlers, they get the brunt of your sin, you know? And like, I remember that breaking my heart, like, you know, I'm sorry, I don't have time for you or I are losing my temper or whatnot, because you're just trying to survive.

Yeah.

And just the guilt that comes with that. And with a 15 month old, you say, I'm sorry, you know, but it's harder to explain, like, you know, mommy sinned against you. You don't know what sin necessarily is. And then you just hold them and you're like, wish you could take it all back and redo it all. I have moments like that where I'm like if I could redo it I would but you can't. And I also remember, so because my kids were so close together, there were people that would say not helpful things that would make me feel really guilty. Like I remember going to church one Sunday and we just announced that we're pregnant with baby number two and one of the older ladies comes up and she's like, that's going to be really hard. Are you sure that you want to do this? Uh, I look at her and I'm like, OK, what do you want me to do? I'm already pregnant. Like, yeah, that was so hard because it actually was affirming a lot of my fears of can I do this? I don't know. They're so close together. Like, what's going to be super hard? I'm going against, like, the common American spacing of what your kids are like. There was already a lot of insecurities. And so to have that woman come up to me and say that was like confirmation that I can't do this. And it just got me into this panic.

Oh yeah, I've had similar experiences where people are like, what are you thinking? Having your kids so close together. And it's really like, I think kind of anti-Christian in a sense. Like, I don't know, it makes me think of Psalms 127 verse 3 that says, Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb, a reward. Why aren't we celebrating it more? It is hard. I'm not going to diminish how hard it will be. But you've said this, hard doesn't equal bad. Right. You know, and those two things don't always mean the same thing. So I struggle with comments like that, because I think what you probably needed to hear in that moment was, what a joy it's going to be. What a blessing this baby is. You know, what a gift from the Lord. What a reward, right? Like Psalm says. And that's not always what we hear. And that's not always what maybe other Christian women are saying to us. And it's just, I don't know, I get frustrated with it. But I also understand because I think sometimes those women, or me even, I look at a mom that's about to have her second baby And it brings up the pains or the hard things that I went through So I want to look at them and I can understand the compassion that it's raw. It's still there

Yeah, and I know so I know today we're talking specifically about bringing home like your second born But I mean that idea that as Christians We need to embrace life and treat children like the way scripture says. I remember it like when we got pregnant with our third, I was kind of like gun shy a little bit of like announcing our pregnancy because I didn't want people to say hurtful things. Yeah. And then when we got pregnant with our fourth, okay, now we're like well over the normal two child, like what a household has. We didn't announce our pregnancy for a long time because I was so scared of all of the comments that people would tell me that would just confirm my fears of not being able to do this, like I know this is no longer like a normal thing to do because now we're gonna have four kids, but that was really scary for me to even announce the pregnancy and that makes me sad. I want to be an encourager to other Christian moms and so often I think we look to people to be a Christian encourager and they're not and in those moments nobody is perfect. I need to be more gracious and not hold comments against people that they have said that has hurt me. But then I can take that and say, you know what, I wanna be the champion of life. I want to, when a woman is pregnant, you know, I am so happy for you. What a blessing that is. Instead of the, how are you gonna do this? Are you sure you want that?

Like, that's just not helpful. And I even, I remember people turning to like my almost three year old and saying, your life is about to be rocked, like kind of mocking or like, and I, this is a bad thing. Yeah. Instead of saying to them at three years old, look how fortunate and blessed you are. You're going to get a baby brother or a baby sister. And I'm so happy for you. And I mean, yes, their life is going to change. It is, but not always for the worse. You know, there's so many joys and gifts and blessings that come with having a sibling. I mean, you have a sibling. I'm one of four children and siblings are like your best friends for life.

Uh-huh. Built in. I tell my kids they're built in for enemies. They're best friends for enemies because they fight all the time.

But they are people like we know that post-fall the world is hard. And they are people who know your life the best almost, your childhood, your experiences, and you don't have to go through this hard fallen world alone.

Siblings are a gift. They really are. I think, okay, I might be getting a little spicy. So how many times have we heard that the church isn't pro-life, it's pro-birth? I've heard that. I think especially countless times. Yeah. So I think, I mean, one of the markers of that is how are you talking to other women who's pregnant? Are you doing the conversations of your world is about to change? Like it's a bad thing, or you're judging a woman for having a child, or do we celebrate life? Or do we talk about life like how the Bible talks about life, that children are a blessing. They're not a commodity. They're not something that's going to get you to what you want. They are in themselves a blessing. And so how do we let that truth apply to all aspects of our life and how we're talking to other moms who are pregnant? I think that, you know, the evidence of that sometimes, unfortunately, is coming across and talking to moms in a hurtful way or talking to the child who's about to get a sibling in a wrong way, where how much more pro-life and pro-Bible, like pro-what the Bible actually says about kids, if you're coming alongside and encouraging and treating and talking about this life the way the Bible and God talks about that life.

Yeah, and I think as moms, it's totally okay to acknowledge how hard children are. But I think you're missing it if you don't acknowledge what a blessing they are. And as moms who know how hard it is, right, who've lived it, who have had their second or third child, and they know that transition from one to two, why aren't we eager to help? Why aren't we eager to be like, okay, let me take your three-year-old to the park. So then you know that they're getting quality time and you get quality time with your baby. Or let me take one thing off your plate. Maybe that's dinner. Maybe that's cleaning your toilet. So you can have quality time with your toddler when the baby's sleeping, you know, to alleviate some of that mom guilt. Because you feel like as a mom, you can't do it all. I can't love my newborn well, I can't love my toddler well. I wish I could do it all and you can't. And I wish, I hope, I'm not in the season with my, I have too many small children, but I'm working on it. I'm challenging myself. How can I be that for other women? And it's not easy and I'm going to fail at it too, but I think to think of it, to be conscious of it, to work on it and ask how, you know, how can I help you in this season?

I don't want to say that the only people I talked to were negative about it. I had some awesome Christian friends that were coming alongside me like, hey, this is going to be awesome. It's going to be hard. You know, I have realistic expectations going into this. But I had some other mom friends who had already brought home baby number two and so they gave me some really awesome like practical advice of like, hey, these are times that it's going to be hard and this is what I have found in my life that would help that transition be easier for you. So like, just to give, I don't know, if you're a listener and you're pregnant and you're talking about bringing home baby number two, I just kind of want to share some of the things that I have found that when people come to me and they're like, hey, give me some tips here. I'm just going to give you guys some of the things that I have found to be really helpful. I'm talking so, so when you, if you're planning on nursing your newborn, for me, I always found that my first born wanted all of my attention when I was feeding the baby. And so I actually had a special snack station where there were like fruit snacks and the really fun snacks that they would only get when I was nursing baby. So they would actually look forward to that time. And so they could kind of let me feed the newborn and because they had something that was super fun for them to be fed too.

Yeah, and it made them feel special.

It did. And then also like my firstborn was a daughter. So we had somebody tell us like, hey, go get a baby doll. That's about the size of a newborn. Go and buy the preemie size for the baby doll. And then you can get the newborn size for your baby. So that way they're wearing the same things and as you're taking care of your baby, they're taking care of their baby. Yeah. And that was gold. That was fantastic. That was so helpful for me because then they got to mimic being a mom and they weren't feeling. I mean she still would feel jealous, but like that would help that a little bit.

Yeah. Yeah. I agree. And I'm trying to keep enjoying the thing back of like practical tips that I was given. But I was kind of the mom that like wanted to be shut in. Like I am like, do let me figure it out, please. I got to find my own normal. And I just want to say, like, that's OK, too. Absolutely. So sometimes by helping other moms, you like don't help. But I love that because even I don't even know that I thought to ask to like you. We were friends at that time. Literally, we're friends. I don't even know if I asked you, you know, maybe that was pride or just survival. I don't know. But it's yeah, it's hard, but it's so good.

It is good. And I think one of the things that we can forget, too, is is having a sibling is also good for the child for your firstborn, too. I mean, if you're a mom and you're only have one child, that's amazing. We are not trying to make anybody who has one child feel like they should have more. You talk with your husband, you figure out what God has called you to do for your family.

This isn't an episode on family planning, it's an episode on what to do when you already have to.

Yeah, so yeah.

Yeah, but I think having a sibling is so sanctifying for the firstborn. You know, we kind of talk about, I mean, your family is this safe environment of where you get to learn with each other, what does it mean to be a Christian? How do we love the Lord? How do we practice like the one and others of Scripture of like love one another or share with one another or come alongside one another or you know all of those different things that Scripture calls you to do in regards to like relationship with another person? Yeah. Your family is like supposed to be one of the safest places to do that. And so by giving your firstborn a sibling, it's incredibly sanctifying. Yeah. For them, which sanctification is good. That's not bad. It's hard for sure, and it sometimes feels yucky because pointing out our sin isn't fun, but it's good. And I think sometimes we miss that aspect of having a sibling.

Yeah, I love that because where else is your child going to learn firsthand what it means to share, to love another person, to not have everything all about you. Yeah, to be selfless to practice all of those things that scripture talks about, right? Like fruits of the spirit to practice those things. If they didn't have to do them, you know, unless they're forced into it, children don't naturally do that. Right, right.

So I were told to do it. Otherwise, naturally, you know, you don't have to tell your kid to hit you have to teach

them.

Like we have to teach them to do those. So I never thought of it that way, that by bringing a second baby into your home, you're helping your children grow in their faith, in a sense, or at least in sanctification or in their character. And it's good. It's good for them. It's good for the kingdom. You know, I never looked at it in that light. Yeah,

so I think there's a lot more that we could say, but I think, you know, that's a chance that you guys as moms get to share with other moms and have those real time stories of what you're going through or what's laid on your heart of what that means for you and your family. So we just really want to encourage you guys to maybe find a Christian mom who, if you're pregnant with baby number two, has already had two children that you can look to and you can ask these super practical things because we can't answer all of those or know your situation. But we just kind of want to give you like a bird's eye view of, you know, just to encourage you that children are a blessing. Giving a sibling to your firstborn is a blessing. You know, these things are from the Lord. And so just to kind of challenge you to to think about life in the way that the Bible talks about life. So I think as we end our time here together, I just really want to encourage you, listener, that every life is precious to God and that children are a blessing from the Lord. So you don't need to feel guilty over bringing home another blessing, right? You can be unburdened from this mom guilt knowing that by bringing home another baby, even though it's hard at times, it can be for your good as well as your firstborn's good and ultimately for God's glory. Until next time, see you later.

Bye.

We really want to hear from you, listener. If you would be able to email us ways that you are struggling with mom guilt so that we can speak specifically to those topics. We would love to hear from you. If you could email us at momguiltpodcast at gmail.com, we will respond to that and we will, if it's okay with you, read that email on a podcast and specifically address those questions or those topics that you really would like us to speak to. or those topics that you really would like us to speak to.

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