Rewriting Your Past to Transform Your Future

In this episode of the Lawyer Life Podcast, I dive into why traditional New Year’s resolutions often fall short and how rethinking the stories we tell ourselves about our past can lead to a more empowered future. I explore the science of memory, the power of self-compassion, and the value of setting intentions over rigid, unrealistic goals. Through personal stories and practical strategies, I encourage you to see your past experiences as opportunities for growth and to set flexible, meaningful intentions that truly align with your desires for the year ahead. 

New episodes the first Wednesday of each month. Special releases and bonus episodes monthly.

Related to this episode:

• Rethinking Your Past: https://thelawyerlifecollective.com/re-thinking-your-past/
• Contrails (Your Past is Stalking You): https://thelawyerlifecollective.com/contrails-your-past-is-stalking-you/
• Forget NYE Resolutions: https://thelawyerlifecollective.com/forget-nye-resolutions/

Let's Meet! Schedule a call: https://autumnnoble.as.me/

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You are listening to the Lawyer Life Podcast, episode number 42, Rewriting Your Past to Transform Your Future.

Welcome back to the Lawyer Life podcast. I'm your host, Autumn Noble, and today we'll be diving into a topic that's deeply personal, profoundly transformative, and pretty relevant as we start this new year, rethinking your past to create a more empowered future. And get ready because in this episode, I'm going to be sharing some moderately embarrassing stories about myself and my time in lawyering.

Today, we will explore how the stories we tell ourselves about the past influences how we're showing up in our present. I will also share why these stories aren't as fixed as we would like to think and provide you with some strategies to move forward. Finally, we will unpack why ditching traditional New Year's resolutions might be the best decision you make this year.

And for the overachievers and perfectionist in the audience, this month our newsletter is focusing on why are we so hard on ourselves? Where does it come from and how do we stop it? That topic coupled with today's podcast will give you everything you need to set a new course forward in 2025.

Now let's go ahead and dig into today's topic. We are talking about rewriting your narrative, finding more freedom in your present space and setting intentions that truly matter. So let's start with rethinking your past. And I want to share a little bit of a story about my own personal experience in private practice.

Many years ago, I was at an early morning meeting and I had the unique, although not entirely uncommon, but unique misfortune of being the only woman in the room, a room full of attorneys and businessmen. And as I was up at the breakfast bar getting a pastry and a cup of coffee, I all of sudden felt this presence behind me right over my left shoulder, kind of coming in towards my ear.

And this older gentleman says to me, I think that your dogs might have left a surprise for you on the back of your dress today. Immediately, I get completely flustered, really overwhelmed, and I'm thinking, my God, what is he talking about? So to paint the picture, I was wearing a long black pencil skirt and a black sweater, and I have Shiba Inus. And Shiba Inus shed like

Everything in our home is covered in white dog hair. So as I look down at my skirt, I see that there is some remnants of dog hair on my skirt. And I'm thinking, my God, this is so embarrassing. I need to go find the lint roller. Like if he's noticed, everybody else has noticed. And as I'm standing there kind of taking all of this in, he says to me, I really wanted to wipe it off.

for you, but you just have to let an old man have his fantasies. And then he walks off. And I'm sitting there thinking, I can't believe he just said this to me. And I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm embarrassed. I just wanna get out of the room and kind of process what's happening on my skirt, but also kind of figuring out like, what the hell just happened? And I can't believe that guy just said that to me.

It wasn't much later in the day this gentleman reached out to me and apologized for the comment that he said, think having realized how grossly inappropriate it was. And what's interesting about it is that even though he apologized, I was stewing about it all day long, just telling myself like, why didn't you say something? Why didn't you?

clap back, like why would you let someone talk to you like that and say things like that without saying something? And I'm sure as many of you can relate as women in the legal industry, we have so many experiences like that where someone says something just grossly inappropriate or offensive. And in the moment,

You have this kind of paralyzed feeling of like, my God, did that just happen? And what do I say and how do I respond? And over the years, I've really, you know, found myself kind of stewing over those and thinking to myself, I wish I would have said something. I wish I would have shown up differently. Like, why didn't I say something, you know, to defend myself or tell people how wrong these kinds of statements are? We all have those experiences in our past.

where it's easy to think to ourselves, like, why did I do that? If I could go back and change it and show up differently, I would do X, Y, and Z. And it's something that we all do about different things in our lives.

what I want to consider today is that that sort of hindsight viewing and judging ourselves for the way that we showed up is not only incredibly unhelpful, but that there are other ways of thinking about those experiences that I think can actually be really productive and further us

in our journeys to showing up differently in the future.

And there's actually some science to support this. And it's this idea that our memories aren't as unchangeable as they seem.

And here's the science.

Researchers have found that every time we recall a memory or think back to an experience, our brain is essentially re-recording that same event again. And they call this process memory reconsolidation, which just means that our memories are really malleable. And every time we go back to them, we're potentially changing them and kind of painting them with a different brush every time. And they're being reshaped

based upon how we think about them every time they resurface.

This may not come as a surprise to many of you that memory research and experts say that human memory is highly suggestible and far from perfect. And what we're actually remembering, it's not a perfect snapshot of what happened or the reality of the situation, but it's filtered through emotions and interpretations and biases. So this means that the stories that you tell yourself about your past

They're not really set in stone.

What this suggests is that what we recall of those memories is not likely the full picture. that's just helpful to know as we rethink some of those frustrating me, when I think about those events, I always think to myself, gosh, why didn't I stand up for myself more? And what kind of an advocate am I if I can't

you know, use my words to defend myself when I need to. And I feel really kind of embarrassed and shameful for not showing up differently. But the reality of it is like my vision of myself in those moments is very skewed and very judgmental. And in reality, if I had to guess, there was probably an expression on my face that made very clear what I was thinking in that moment. But my memory of it doesn't recall that my memory just reaches for the judgment.

And I do remember that he and I had a long conversation about what he said, and he really recognized and owned that it wasn't okay, but I cannot for the life of me remember what I said. 

I have to believe in some way that in that moment and during that exchange, I was able to share with him my true feelings about it. But as I think about that experience, I don't remember any of that. My memory doesn't recall what I said. doesn't have any indication that I stood up for myself or used my voice. It just reaches for the judgment. And that's why it's so important for us to recognize that the pieces that we remember may not paint the whole picture. And odds are

pretty good that we are simply allowing our negativity bias to only see the negative pieces of it. Now, this is not to say that I'm sure I showed up perfectly in that moment. I'm pretty confident that I didn't. But the point is that what I do remember about that experience really downplays anything positive that I might have done and simply didn't file those facts away.

And so when I recognize that what I'm recalling in my head is sort of a skewed, kind of molded version that has changed over time, I can really allow myself to step into that space of, I did the best I could in the moment. And when people say horribly offensive things, it makes perfect sense as a human to be shocked and to take a moment to collect yourself.

and try and figure out how to show up and that no matter how much inner work I do, I can't always find space in the moment to find the right words. And it's okay in those times to be shocked and hurt and not have that perfect response. And so when I think about those moments now, rather than getting frustrated with myself and judging myself for just not even being a good advocate for myself, like how could I possibly advocate for my clients?

just really having compassion for the fact that I did the best I could in the moment. And those things are not events that any of us want to become skilled at responding well to. They hit you like a drive-by truck and you have to compose yourself and figure out how to move forward. You're not gonna show up perfectly in that space and that's okay. And so I've been able to rethink.

those experiences in my life and have more compassion for myself about them and stop judging myself for my inability to show up in an articulate and defensive way when necessary.

this awareness that the recaps of events that we're playing in our heads, they aren't perfect to begin with. And we can start to adjust them and think differently about them until they become something that's more helpful and empowering for who we want to be. It wasn't helpful for me.

to be judging myself about my inability to show up with a response in the moment and have something sassy to say, that just made me feel this tremendous pressure to always bite back. And I always found myself saying things that I regretted or I wish I hadn't said that instead, but I had this internal pressure to be able to show up and say something right away. And now that I can recognize it, just having some compassion for sometimes you just need a moment to take a beat.

and decide what you wanna say and how you wanna show up in the moment, and that's okay. And so that pressure is gone, allowing me the space to decide how I wanna show up in every moment. Maybe it's something I wanna follow up with later, but not having that response at the time is okay. But I've had to really rethink those past experiences, let go of that judgment, and access some compassion in order to get there.

So here is a challenge for you listeners. What is one story from your past that you've been holding onto in a way that's limiting you, that's maybe fueling some self judgment or self criticism? And then ask yourself, is there a way that you can retell that story to yourself in a way that inspires growth instead of guilt or shame?

Another way to explore this is to ask is there a memory or a narrative that you've been holding onto that feels heavy? Is there a way that you could reshape it to serve your growth instead of holding you back?

So we've talked about the way that we think about our past and how we recreate and retell the stories of past events. But now I want to talk about contrails, like kind of the vapor streaks that follow planes through the sky. I think about our past being very similar to that with every action, decision or event kind of leaving a trail that sometimes can follow us through our life. And the question becomes,

is the trail that's following me, helping me or hindering me. So another moderately embarrassing story about my life. When I went through my divorce, I was 1000 % convinced that I would never get married again. And I believed that this person that I had been with, know, secretly truly actually hated me as a human being and had really

convinced myself that there was something about me that over time someone would see and discover and realize was so terrible that the only solution was to just absolutely hate me and despise me. And it sounds crazy to say this out loud, but that was a lot of the reason that I never wanted to get married again. I didn't want to find myself in a space where someone is really seeing me.

and seeing those parts of me and coming to the same conclusion that I had felt that my first spouse came to. So as the years go on and I find myself in another serious relationship, I realized that the story that I was telling myself about what happened in that past relationship and my shortcomings in that were really keeping me kind of scared and keeping me playing small.

And I had told everybody that would listen to me that I was never getting married again. I was never going to have kids. And that was just not who I wanted to be in my life. And as I started to kind of think about these stories that I was carrying with myself and this trauma that I was carrying from that relationship, I started to realize that I was really self-sabotaging and that those stories were limiting further growth. And I think, you know, the opportunity for bravery to try again.

And so I had to go through the very humbling experience of kind of eating my words and recognizing that, you know what? No, I do think I want to do this again. And it took me a long time to really kind of reframe that experience as, you know, something unique and not something indicative of who I was as a person and my value as a spouse. But I think we all have those stories about ourselves where

We have this idea about how we failed or how there was some shortcoming and it forms these beliefs about who we are as people and we bring that with us into our lives today. certainly sometimes those contrails that follow us, sometimes they're positive and sometimes they're beautiful and evidence of your progress and your strength, which is one way that I've started to think about my first marriage was that it is evidence of my progress and strength.

But before I could even get there, it did feel kind of like a ghost that was haunting my present every time I turned around and I could feel the weight of it on decisions that I was making. And it's like that life was sort of chasing me and telling me, you're never going to figure this out. Like there's really something wrong with you. And I think we've all got stories like that saying, you know, you'll never change or you really messed up too much or you're going to be stuck with these consequences forever. I think there's a

There's always an event in our past or experiences in our past that that lend some credence to those horrible kind of messages and we just carry them with us into our present state. But here's the important perspective that I think is really key to starting fresh this year. And that's the notion that those contrails, those stories that we tell ourselves about those past experiences, they're not permanent.

and we can wipe them clean just as a normal contrail from a plane eventually dissipates, you have to leverage your own mental power and emotional strength to change that thinking and to change those stories.

In doing some research in positive psychology, there is some work that actually supports this idea. And one researcher explains that this explanatory style, right, of how we interpret past events and kind of explain them away can play a really significant role in shaping our future. When you view setbacks as permanent or defining or indicative of a really core attribute of yourself,

you are more likely to feel stuck. And I can 100 % relate to that. During that time in my life, saying I'm never gonna get married again, I thought I felt strong and I thought I felt independent. But in reality, I do really think it was keeping me stuck and keeping me from evolving in the relationship that I was in.

So we have to do our work and start looking at those historical setbacks as temporary or opportunities for learning and growth. It can allow you to create so much more space for evolution and change and progress moving forward once you make that mental shift.

So take a moment to think about your past, your past setbacks, things that you would characterize as a failure or even a success and just consider, are you letting those contrails from your past define your present and who you are and what you have to offer? And is it possible that you could instead use those experiences as evidence of your resilience instead of letting it hold you back and limit your forward progress?

One way to do this is to simply ask yourself, am I giving this past event too much power? Am I letting it write my present story? If your answer is yes, or even a freckle yes, it's time to reevaluate that narrative and ask yourself if there are other ways of thinking about it. If there's perspectives or parts of the experience that maybe you're overlooking and just not seeing.

and if there is room to shift that perspective and kind of rewrite that story.

So we've talked about how we can change memories essentially by rethinking them and being open to this idea that they are malleable and not fixed. And we've also talked about this idea that our past experiences and the story we tell ourselves about them can really kind of follow us along and wreck havoc on our present state and limit our ability to create the life that we actually want.

So let's bring this all together and talk about New Year's resolutions because it's January and that's what a lot of people are thinking about as they make plans for the year ahead. But let's be really brutally honest here. How many of us have set resolutions that we just simply abandoned a couple weeks later?

Studies show that 80 % of resolutions fail by February. And I can really attest to just witnessing this firsthand every single January and February. I have been a member of my gym for almost 15 years. So I think honestly, probably one of the longest relationships in my life. And I know that in January, my gym is gonna be full of all sorts of people that I have never seen before.

And as frustrating as it is to suddenly have to fight for space and fight for spots in rooms and classes, I know that I just have to wait about four or five weeks and all of these people will go away. The vast majority of them do. And I don't mean to be judgmental or cynical, but it's really just a visual observation of how difficult it is to just decide, OK, this year I'm going to go to the gym five days a week. It doesn't work like that. And I want to talk about why.

that is. Most of the problem with resolutions come down to this focus on external expectations and metrics. Instead, I want to talk about resolutions from a space of trying to find internal alignment with a larger overarching intention.

instead most of our resolutions focus on fixing some kind of a perceived flaw rather than fostering genuine growth founded on internal alignment. So to do this, we have to ask,

What do I truly want to feel, experience, or accomplish this year? That's the question that we should be asking. Instead, many of us are implicitly asking, what should I change to fit with society's expectations for me as a human being? And even just saying those out loud, one feels kind of terrible and heavy, and one feels really exciting. What do I truly want to feel, experience, or accomplish versus,

what should I be doing differently to fit in with these external expectations?

Psychologists that study goal-setting theory emphasize that in order for a goal to be successful, it should be specific, achievable, and connected to our values. Resolutions like lose weight, go to the gym more, or make more money are vague.

and they're disconnected from a larger motivation or intention. So unlike resolution, setting a clear intention is going to focus on how you want to feel and grow. They're flexible and they're adaptive. So for example, instead of resolving to work out five days a week, you might set an intention that says, this year it's my intention to move my body in ways that feel joyful and energizing and make me happy.

That kind of an intention provides a wide space of flexibility and creativity to find things that align with it. Working out five times a week feels very rigid, it's very black and white, and it seems like it sets a high bar for failure and judgment. But inviting yourself instead to move your body in ways that feel joyful or energizing

or increase your happiness or connection with community may allow you for a lot more expressions of that intention and won't feel quite as rigid. In fact, it might inspire you to get excited about coming up with ways to show up in alignment with that intention. So here's an exercise. Take a minute to think about what you truly want this year. What's the feeling or value behind that desire? Now, just set an intention.

that aligns with it. So if your intention is, want to spend less money this year, the feeling behind that may be control or contentment or even just being connected with the moment that you're trying to spend the money. So the intention may be trying to be more present with those emotions that drive overspending, trying to be more mindful.

of why we do things and mindful about purchases. And that may simply mean, okay, I'm just gonna sit on every purchase for 24 hours or 48 hours and be more thoughtful and mindful about it, right? That feels very different than I'm gonna spend less money this year. You can kind of feel that judgment and black and white kind of point of view baked into that.

So I will share my intention for this year and it's simply to be more mindful and consistent. And that may mean going to the gym more regularly. It may mean meditating for longer periods of time or journaling more. The expression is really not the point. It's the intention that matters. And then we can get excited about finding ways to live in alignment with that. So let's put this all together.

First, your past does not define you. It's a story that you're constantly rewriting. And thanks to the science of memory reconsolidation, you have the power to reshape those narratives into something that's more empowering. Second, the contrails of your past can guide you without haunting you and holding you back. When you feel weighted down by old decisions or mistakes, simply ask yourself, how can I use this as evidence of my strength?

Finally, forget rigid resolutions. As you think about those past experiences and those contrails, I think they can be really insightful in telling us who do we actually want to be? What are my values that I want to build my life around? And then as we start this new year, ask yourself, can I set intentions?

that align with those values and the life that I want to create. And in doing so, maybe I do some work on my past experiences. Maybe I do some work rethinking those past events, but giving yourself space to consider that 2025, it's not about fixing yourself.

It's about embracing who you are, having compassion for your past experiences, and using all of those experiences as room to grow forward from there and create a life in alignment with your deepest intentions.

Imagine what it could be like to start this year without the pressure to fix yourself and adhere to some rigid resolutions, but to give yourself the gift of freedom to grow. Your past, it can guide you, but it doesn't have to be a rigid statement about who you are and what you're capable of.

Instead, we can start 2025 with a clear vision of who we want to be and what that person values and act from there.

Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode. If this topic resonated with you, here's what I would love for you to do. Identify one story from your past that you're ready to rewrite. Set an intention for how you want to show up this year and let me know how it goes.

can connect with me through the links in the show notes or send an email to autumn at the lawyer life collective.com. And if you're ready to dive deeper into these ideas, check out my coaching programs or download the free resources available at the lawyer life collective.com or linked in the show notes. And don't forget that this month's newsletter is going to dovetail perfectly with this topic. In this month's newsletter, we're going to be exploring the science behind why we are so hard on ourselves.

and how can we stop doing that?

If you're not already a subscriber to the newsletter, head over to the LawyerLifeCollective.com to sign up today. And if you happen to miss this month's newsletter or prior month's newsletters, be sure to check out the archives and get all of the past goodness.

You may be wondering what else is happening in the collective this year. We are busy booking speaking engagements for the remainder of 2025. If your firm, your women's initiative, or your small group wants to schedule me for a speaking engagement on a variety of topics, be sure to head over to the LawyerLifeCollective.com to see potential topics or to schedule some time to chat with me about your event and your group. And if we haven't had a chance to meet yet, I would love to see your face virtually for coffee,

or a free coaching consultation all linked in the show notes. For 2025, we are rolling out our six month fast track coaching program. If you're looking to make a big change or upscale your career and you wanna do it as fast as possible and dig in deep, that is a program for you. Head over to the LawyerLifeCollective.com to get those details.

And last, as you are making a fresh start for 2025, consider whether or not you need some support to realign your energy. If you feel like something is just off and you just can't get your head in the game, a Reiki healing session may be just what you need. I am a Reiki master and offer virtual healing sessions as well. If that interests you, be sure to shoot me a note or follow the links in the shout outs for additional information.

As always, thanks so much for listening and thanks for sharing with your friends.