Building Relationships

Friendship fails, deathbed confessions, and a dash of history nerdiness—this episode has it all! From Harvard happiness studies to near-death experiences, from the Fourth Turning theory to gospel truths, Cydni and Sher dive into why relationships matter more than we think. With humor, heartfelt stories, and a challenge to reconnect, this one will make you laugh, think, and maybe even text an old friend. This episode is, "Building Relationships" and we are so glad you are here!

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This week, reach out to someone you haven’t connected with in a while and take time to be present with the people you love.

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Show Notes

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Transcript

Episode 123 - Building Relationships

Cydni: [00:00:00] you know, when you make plans with a friend and you make it far enough in advance so that you can cancel by then hopefully. You know what I'm talking about? 

Sher: No, I've never done that. Okay. Some people have, 

Cydni: so a friend and I, we said we haven't seen each other forever. So we planned that a good while ago. And then she text me. ' cause it was supposed to be last night and she said, Hey, are we still getting together?

And I was like, oh crap, I forgot that we talked about this. She's so reliable to cancel these kind of things. And here she is not canceling. This is a problem. But then it was funny because I thought Sher the reason I didn't want to meet with her is because I needed to plan and prepare for this podcast episode. So I didn't wanna meet because I was like, I can't meet and hang out and chit chat and like work on our relationship and our friendship because I need to go study about relationships and friendship. Right now, I don't have time for this. And that is. Incredibly ironic. 

Sher: It is ironic. So are you saying that you hung out with your friend or did you get ready for this [00:01:00] episode? 

Cydni: neither. It gets more ironic. So I did not cancel. I said, let's do this, and we've made all of the details and all of the plans and then. On the way there, my children, I won't go into details, but they ruined my day mostly, and I couldn't really do either, now, I haven't prepared then I didn't even get to see my friend that I actually was now excited to see, and I thought, okay, it's because God's giving me answers. What is the best thing you can do to have a good relationship? The answer don't include children in your life. 

Welcome to the Cydn and Sher podcast. 

Sher: That was quite the start there, Cydni You always talk big about your kids, but yet you're not like that at all. 

Cydni: Oh , I said It to that one. I won't say who it was. But he is not the first or the last born. He's one of the different ones. I was like, are you like this? Because you knew I was gonna hang out with a friend and you're like, don't have friends. I want more attention 'cause I'm the middle [00:02:00] child, but. It was an appropriate time to say that. No, The timing was good. Oh, I'm sure because it's really important. Have good timing on those kind of things, 

Sher: Well, as Cydni has sort of got around to today, we are going to continue discussing our back to the basics for happiness, and we are going to focus on building connections and relationships which Cydni apparently didn't do either. Yesterday you built relationships with your kids. That's good.

Cydni: If you wanna have a good relationship with people, don't cancel plans and don't criticize them. Good advice. Thank you. I learned it by doing the other things. But I was thinking about the back to the basics and how much I do love the idea across the board in our life or back to the basics, because that really does mean to simplify.

And I believe if you simplify everything, . I didn't find it, but it's out there. Something about like you could scatter sunshine. And that's nice ' cause you know it's scattered sunshine or you could lock in and laser focus and set the world on fire with your [00:03:00] passion and friendship.

And I was thinking that's what we're kind of doing here when you simplify your life. You then can focus on things that matter. You have more attention and more energy to the things that matter, possibly like your children, but also there should be room for friends. But sometimes there's not.

There's different seasons for different things. I was wondering where that was going. way to bring it back. There's so many things you are gonna have to bring back. I was a, a complete disaster. Preparing for a topic like this, it doesn't even make sense where I've gone.

Sher: Well, let's start with this. there have been quite a few studies done about how important it is to build relationships and connections to help you be happy. The first one we've talked about before is the Harvard Study of Adult Development.

It's the longest running happiness study Basically what it found is that good relationships keep us happier and healthier. And then a fun fact is that people who are more socially connected to family, friends, and community are happier. Physically healthier and live longer than those who are less well connected. And then the [00:04:00] key point from the study is that it is the quality of close relationships that matters, not the quantity. And if you are critical and mean, then that does more harm, just so you know.

Cydni: Yeah, I know. I read that too. So I'm gonna apply some of the stuff we're talking about. Again, it wasn't criticizing, I I think you were teasing. It was all in good fun. In our home, when things are disastrous, we just add humor to the fire. 

Sher: That's a good way to go. 

Cydni: Thanks. Most people around us probably think we have issues, but we are having a good old time. It's our own little dumpster fire but When I say to you, Sher that I may have gone off the rails. I wanted you to know I wasn't lying. You had this older study pulled up, which we've done before and it's actually quite fascinating and I like to relearn about it. But then I was thinking of another one we've talked about before, and it's been mentioned that people who work in hospices, when they talk to someone who's about to pass, they have. Similar regrets. And so I went down this path of, I remembered they said that one of the top five regrets is they [00:05:00] wish they had spent more time with people. They loved you spend your whole life being so busy, picking the wrong thing, doing the wrong stuff, and they don't matter as much as being with people you love and being present. Do you see where the intention's good? Right. 

Sher: Sure. If you want me to. Yes. Okay, good. Because I'm building a relationship here with you, 

Cydni: that's why we have this podcast. Our core and our roots are such deep friendship, very deep. I'm very rooted. Okay, so now that you know where I was going, that the intentions were good, then I thought to myself, I wonder what some deathbed confessions are that are cool. 

Sher: So obviously, you're right on point. As usual, 

Cydni: I could talk for 50 minutes alone, just on some of these death bed confessions. I'm gonna tell you a few that are serious first. There's a lot of murder confessions. Which that's one when I thought of you, I was like, I bet Sher will have a murder confession. Thanks a lot. There was a lot of secret families like, Hey, by the way, you have six siblings and they live in Montana. There was some of those [00:06:00] wild, right? Yeah. The craziest one that is not uplifting. I cannot get over this. And so now I'm going to share with you, there was a midwife, a nurse who confessed on her deathbed that she often switched babies. Like, that's horrible, like a hobby. 

Sher: Oh my word. That's 

Cydni: terrible. I know. , And she didn't know how many, it wasn't a one time thing. She had done it. 

Sher: Oh my gosh. 

Cydni: But then I thought, what if she didn't? She's like, I'm gonna mess with them before I leave. 'cause there's no way to prove that. So I'm gonna go with that in my head. 'cause it took me 12 hours to cope with what I read. And then I thought, no, she was playing a prank. Mm-hmm. She was going to say, just kidding. And then she didn't have time. 

Sher: Because you would do that. 

Cydni: Yeah, it's funny. But it's not, and then another one I really enjoyed was that a man had a heart attack and he was dying. So he confessed to a murder. He was the killer. He confessed to killing a woman. How he did it? Details where she was buried. Guess who recovered? Guess who was in prison?

Good for him. Yeah. I think though that was probably better for him. Yeah. Go to jail. Well, I meant like for [00:07:00] repentance and changing. Oh, for rep. Clearly repentance. Clearly he was like holding onto some major guilt. 

Sher: I just wanted him to get what he deserved. I know. I guess God will take care of that night.

Cydni: Yeah. Yeah. I think so. Okay. I promise I won't keep going forever, and then will you just try to tie it back to our topic? Mm-hmm. Okay, thanks. I loved this older woman in her nineties. As she was dying, she confessed that she never liked owls, despite her home being filled with owl themed decor. What happened was somebody gave her an owl as a gift, so then one person saw that and another person thought.

I bet she likes owls and every mother's day and every Christmas and every birthday, she got owl themed decor. And so as she was dying, she was like, I just couldn't bring myself to be rude. So I just really hate owls. 

Sher: That's a good woman building relationships 

Cydni: with people right there. Oh, I like how you're tying that in. I should just warn you that because I did that, my algorithm gave me a near death experience podcast, and I had two hours to prepare, [00:08:00] and the podcast happened to be two hours, so I'm going to need to somehow tie in that information to this.

Sher: You are killing me. it was really good. So I'm gonna bring us back. So somewhere in there we were talking about building relationships and as Sydney has pointed out on people's deathbed, they often. Regret not building better relationships with their family and friends.

Cydni: I like how you're tying that in, that's not I believed in you, and I feel like also it just shows how my confidence in our friendship that I knew I could bring this to the table and that you would make a meal out of it 

Sher: it wouldn't be a very good meal, but it would be something. All right, that. Study that we were just talking about was the Harvard Study of Adult Development, and then there's a couple more. I just wanted to point out that this is well scientifically proven that building connections and relationships really does lead to happiness.

 So another one is Gallup's Global Wellbeing Studies, and its finding was that people. With at least three close friends they can count on in times of trouble are significantly happier and less [00:09:00] stressed. And then a little fun fact they pointed out is that employees with a best friend at work are seven times more likely to be engaged in their jobs, which contributes to overall life satisfaction. and I can say that's true. That's why I stuck it out where I did for such a long time is because, My best friends were at my school, and I loved being around them.

And then one more is called the Positive psychology research. And it found that the happiest people consistently report strong ties to friends and family and commitment to spending time with them. So scientifically it has been proven that building relationships with people and having close family ties and or close friends that you can count on is critical in building a happy life. 

Cydni: And speaking of near death experiences, oh, my word. When I listened to the comedian, Theo Vaughn talk about this, and his guest, who was a doctor who studied near death experiences for over two decades, he found [00:10:00] the most common thing was that when people would come close to dying, they. Always saw their family. Really? Yes. what I find so interesting is the people being studied. There's some in other countries, completely different beliefs, and some of them are blind that have near death experiences and they see the same things in their experience. They could come back and talk about it, though their whole life has been dark. But they talk about seeing. Family members, even some who they had a contentious relationship with. And I think where this ties together, which is obvious, is that our relationships continue. we talked about last week, a purpose and a meaning there is a very deep purpose and meaning to our relationships with family members and with friends. That it doesn't just stop here. This is a temporary time. But research has shown that when people. Come close to passing that it is a family member who is there to comfort and they express such peace and a love, like they [00:11:00] cannot explain when they see those people again. So it comes to no surprise that the studies are showing that it's the relationships that help people be happy because it's as if you are finding a little bit of eternity in the relationships.

And something Theo v said that I love so much was it's crazy that we have to almost die to get the message of how to live. And I thought, it's crazy for these people to almost die to understand. Who is we're going to be with for eternity, and that these people have to go through such a radical experience to appreciate the time that they have and how they should spend it.

Sher: I'm really glad you brought that up because Oh, you are, are you? I'm, I am. Because it is important to realize that, we can't take anything with us into the next life, but we can take the knowledge and things we've learned, and we get to take those relationships.

In the doctrine and covenants we learn, and that same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there only it would be coupled with eternal glory, which glory we do not [00:12:00] now enjoy.

Isn't that a great promise? Taking that time and building those relationships, they can last forever. That is such a great blessing and I remember when I was getting ready to leave college, I was so sad because I knew deep in my heart I probably wouldn't see most of those people again.

I remember reading that scripture and knowing those relationships that I had built, even though we were all going different directions knowing really the reality of what would probably happen that in the next life we'd be able to pick up where we left off. Sometimes time and chance just happens and you drift away from people for different reasons. But we're promised that we'll be able to pick it up again in the next life. I think that's an awesome promise.

Cydni: I agree that it's an awesome promise and I think it just ties in so well to the basic idea of purpose and meaning we need to put in time and effort into all of these relationships. And speaking with what you are saying, what he said from his years of studying. The near death experiences was that people felt when they were out of their own bodies, [00:13:00] they felt more at home than ever before. They felt like they were supposed to be there, and they were strangers to this time that was said over and over, is that when they were in this different place with people that they have missed and loved, that they felt like, I'm home again. This is where I'm supposed to be.

And he said from his scientific study. They are saying that people come back because they understand we are supposed to learn here. We're supposed to go through struggles and it is part of a process that they don't understand what. The process is, but they understand that the struggle we're experiencing here is lower than something we're used to. And I found that to be amazing information that this information is something we've believed. Our entire life, and I thought my little daughter already knows some of these things, and they've taken almost three decades to come to some conclusions that one, we're strangers here. And two, we are meant for something far more glorious that we're here to struggle [00:14:00] and grow and build connections. That there's things we could only learn through this experience and somehow we've accepted and made the decision to do that.

Sher: And I like that you pointed out that this is something that we have known our whole lives, thanks to the knowledge that we have of the gospel. And the Gospel teaches us how to build these positive relationships in Matthew chapter 22, verses 37 through 40. It says. Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him and saying, master, which is the great commandment in the law. Jesus said unto him, thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul. And with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself on these two commandments. Hang all the law. The prophets our Savior taught us very clearly what the two greatest commandments are. They're loving God and loving our neighbor, and this means building a relationship with God and our [00:15:00] neighbor. It's a core principle of the gospel and a core principle to have joy in our lives. This is it right here. That's the basic foundation of it. 

Cydni: And we did want to address ways to maintain relationships, but here's what was interesting is I asked several people what they thought and everyone said the same thing. So my gut feeling is we know what we need to do but it's doing them. That is hard. So we know we're supposed to love God and we're supposed to love our neighbor, We know how to build relationships, maintain relationships, but in doing that, sometimes it's really hard.

In any article or ai, it says the same thing. I asked several of my friends and the ones that didn't block me replied with, they're like, whatever you're doing, don't, and please lose my number forever. I'm like, okay. So it didn't work out with that person, but let me see who else will reply to my text. And so I asked my lifelong friend what she thought and I said, Hey, you and I, we've been friends [00:16:00] for a long time. How do we maintain our relationship? And the truth is probably Marco Polo because she lives in a completely different state and we talk every day.

 I had written down my first thing that came to mind which was honesty I think what happens is we are really good at staying surface level with people. Hi, how are you? Good. Over with. Done. Stuck to the script as they say, but where my friendship changed with ine, I still remember to this day it was over a phone call. And I just had this moment where I was just so deeply honest with some things I was struggling with, and she in return, was so deeply honest with something she was struggling with. Our relationship never was the same after that. She was a person that I've gone through the.

Hardest times in my life with full honesty, full like rage and disappointments and heartbreaks. I have been that for her. And she said, first honesty as well, which I thought was great because I've been lying to her for years. She said being honest, almost being willing to put it all out there, open, vulnerable, [00:17:00] both people being willing to show who they really are, and being willing to see if the other person's perspectives and their views don't align to still work through that. We've done that so many times. She actually thinks a lot like Ben, which has been very annoying and very helpful. So if I want to vent about my husband for just a second, which it happens like once every five years, she tends to have more of his perspective And she helps me to work through things. And so I feel, without looking at articles and ai, I just thought this deep level of honesty is a key and communication is a key. What would you say, just off the top of your heart, what do you think is the key to actual maintaining friendships? 

Sher: I think this has a lot to do with my personality. It's being loyal, being there for them when they need you. 

Cydni: That is one of the top ones and also to be present for key moments. I thought that was such a good one. . But I love the idea of this just being part of my character to show up for people in their key moments. Also to make time for shared experiences be reliable and trustworthy. [00:18:00] Embrace change is a good one too because you're going to go through life changing and, I felt like these were all pretty basic, and we are going back to the basics. So that's important, but it's just a matter of doing it. So then I thought to myself, okay, I think deep in our hearts, we know what we have to do. You have to make time, you have to prioritize, you have to communicate. And it's so difficult to do all of those things. Life gets really busy. 

Sher: Yeah. And it's so easy to forget. You think, how could I forget that? But you do because you get so busy. 

Cydni: And so because of that, I also wanted to know how to reconnect. And so I looked up some reconnection ideas because I think you might be very close to somebody and life gets busy. There's disruptions, there's times where you don't wanna talk to anybody and you actually think, you know, maybe isolation will bring me more joy, which sometimes it might. but in studying, I looked up how to reconnect, and it is very simple. You reach out, you communicate, and everything was just a consistent and simple [00:19:00] act.

So I reached out to four different people I haven't talked to in a very, very long time. I did it only through text. 'cause I would never force a phone call on someone. But I reached out and it was such a interesting experience.

It was really positive. One friend, I just said, Hey, I've been thinking of you, I miss you. I love you. I hope you're doing well. And she immediately replied and we talked for just a few minutes and it was wonderful. Then I reached out to my parents and they were like, who is this? And I was like, Hey, it's me. And then, anyway, that's all there. At least you tried Cydni. At least you tried another one of those. Lose my numbers situations. And then I'll be honest, I text one more friend and she replied, and I never replied again. 

Sher: Oh, come on, Cindy. I

Cydni: know I will today. It's just that she replied when I was about to drive again and then you forgot. Yes. That's what happens.

I, it's, I've done that before. You read a text and then you're like, I'm gonna reply in a second. Mm-hmm. And then it's like eight years later. 

Sher: Correct. So you better open that up right now. So it's there. So when we're done. Okay. You can text her back. I

Cydni: feel [00:20:00] scared. Why do we feel such hesitation on these things?

Sher: I don't know. 'cause we're nerds, 

Cydni: but we have to push through. Because one out of four is gonna be okay. That's 25%. You'd have 25% better relationships. At least those are my stats. 25% went well. 

Sher: I love it when you make up stats. Cydni, 

Cydni: that one was real. It happened my real life yesterday. 

Sher: Oh. So Cydni, I'm gonna go full history nerd face today, and I'm going to listen. Yay. that's a first. All right. So I wanna talk about not only is this good for our heart and our soul. But building relationships is important as a society as well. I'm going to throw out a theory that's out there. It's called the Generational Cycle Theory, and this is found in a book called The Fourth, turning in American Prophecy.

 I got into this book a few years ago, I read part of it and I listened to a ton of podcasts about it and it was super good. But I just wanna break it down just really quickly and explain what the generational theory is. Okay. So society moves in repeating four [00:21:00] cycles and this cycle lasts about 80 to a hundred years, and each cycle is called a turning. You with me so far? Yes. I love this. Okay, so the first one is called high, which is strong institutions, weak individualism, and it's like a post-crisis rebuilding.

The second turning is called the Awakening, and this is a focus on personal and or spiritual growth challenging institutions. Things like that. The third turning is called the unraveling, and this is when there's super strong individualism, weakening institutions, and then rising divisions. The fourth turning is called the crisis, and this is when there is a major upheaval. So there's like a war, a revolution, a depression, something that's gonna reset the society and create a new order. so I'm gonna give you an example using the American Revolution. So we start at the first turning, which is high. This is in like 1701 to 1727. There was a strong colonial order and growth, so society [00:22:00] was organized around strong puritan and colonial institutions.

And then there was the awakening. The awakening started in like 1727 to 1746, and this literally was the first great awakening. Where there was a religious revival, and it was led by people like George Whitfield, which we've talked about before, and what they were doing is they were challenging the formal church structures and emphasizing personal salvation and experience.

Okay. This led to the unraveling, which started in 1746. To 1773, and this is where there's a growing division from Britain. There's rising individualism and resentment toward British authority and colonies increasingly saw themselves as separate leading to tension. All of this led to the fourth turning, which is the crisis. The crisis started in 1773 to 1794, . So it started with the American Revolution, but it ended with our Constitution and the Bill of Rights in a new country. So the outcome was positive. [00:23:00] But, Where are we in the current cycle of the generational theory? Our cycle started right after World War ii. There was strong family structure, economic growth, trust in government and institutions. The schools were strong, churches, corporations, all doing well. Then there was the awakening, which started in the sixties, and this is where the civil rights movement started, the feminist movement, anti-war protests, and there was a rising focus on personal fulfillment. And then starting in about 1984 is the unraveling, and there was rising individualism. Our institution started to weaken, cynicism became a thing towards government and religion, and there was growing economic inequality. We are currently in the fourth turning the crisis stage. Cydni. this started in the year 2008. The Great Recession. Kicked it off. There was a financial collapse, rising global tensions. Then we had the pandemic. There's political polarization, institutional [00:24:00] distrust. We have all the things going on for the fourth, turning in the crisis stage. Here's the thing, the resolution is to be determined. So the choices we are making right now are gonna shape the new order for generations to come. Just as in the past fourth turnings have reshaped countries, including America.

So this makes it imperative that instead of remaining isolated. Having a lot of cynicism and not trusting each other, it is imperative that we return to the basics and build relationships with each other. This is the best way to get through. The fourth turning is by making connections and building relationships with others and God. 

It's not only for our own benefit, but it's for the benefit of the country that we love and serve each other it will bring joy to our lives Literally save us. Now a bad example of this is in Germany. when they came out of their unraveling stage in their crisis, it led to World War II [00:25:00] and Adolf Hitler.

Okay, that is a bad example. We do not want this to happen, but what were they doing? They stayed in their little. Groups and then they targeted people and they went after the Jewish community , and other communities that they didn't like. Anyone that didn't fit in the socialist Adolf Hitler agenda group, they were kicked out. it's super important that we don't get like that, that we don't isolate ourselves, that we reach out to people that are different than us and serve them. That's the best way to get through this because remember the two great commandments, they work, love God and love your neighbor, we will have a glorious outcome if we can do those two things.

Cydni: At first when I was reading through this, I felt more negative and scared and fearful feelings. But then it's actually kinda exciting because there are bad examples, but there really are beautiful examples I like the idea that we have so much history behind us that we could learn and take the best of the best and make it such [00:26:00] a marvelous world. It just sometimes doesn't feel like there's unity in that. And speaking of near death experiences, that is something a lot of people would use the word unity when they were to describe what it felt like to not be in their bodies. They felt. Unity. They felt peace. They felt love. So it feels like that could be The end goal.

Sher: Absolutely. My parents, they often taught me that they relied on each other as a community so much more to get through the Depression and World War ii That unity was there. That's how the colonists got through the crisis. They did. And that is important that we do the same thing, that we stay united as followers of Christ and really people of faith and just good people in general, that we stay together and not let the cynicism and the negativity and honestly the downright evil get the best of us. Because light always wins. 

Cydni: I keep thinking of this verse from, oh, my father, for a wise and [00:27:00] glorious purpose, thou has placed me here on earth and withheld the recollection of my former friends at birth, yet of times a secret, something whispers.

You are a stranger here. And I felt that I have wandered from a more exalted sphere. So maybe the studies and the doctrine prove that we are strangers here. We are not with strangers. We are with our brothers. We are with our sisters, and we are asked to love and to serve and unite. And we challenge you this week to reach out to somebody that you have not talked to in a long time and reconnect. And Take time to be with the people you love and tell them that you love them. 

Sher: This brings us to our final thoughts. Happiness really does come back to the basic. Loving God and loving our neighbor is how we build strong relationships. Science proves that good relationships keep us healthier and happier. And more importantly, the gospel teaches us the same truth. Jesus told us that the [00:28:00] two greatest commandments are to love God and to love our neighbor. that's how we build relationships that matter. We serve each other, we show up. History shows us that when times get hard, whether during the American Revolution, the Great Depression or World War II, people leaned on each other.

On God to get through. We are in a fourth turning right now, and it is critical that we return to these basics. Elder Udo taught us as we lose ourselves in the service of others, we discover our own lives and our own happiness. That's how we bring joy into our lives and how together we will create a glorious outcome for ourselves, our families, and our country. This is our prayer 

Cydni: from Cydni and Sher. . [00:29:00] Oh, Cher, I did wanna tell you, the doctor did suggest not seeking out a near death experience. I think that was really important to know. That's good advice. And one more thing that I just have to get out of my mind is that at one point, Theo Vaughn said, okay, so if you almost die, but you don't die, that's a near death experience.

What happens if. Like your near death experience goes too far. That's not near death anymore. Right. And I thought it was so funny 'cause I'm like, no, that's a death experience. I just thought it was funny that he was asking like what that would be. Is that funny? 

Sher: It is funny. I was 

Cydni: cracking up. It's funny 

Sher: that you think it's funny. I will let you blab. 

Cydni: You're gonna let me blab 

Sher: the floor is yours too. Isn't my favorite part. Isn't my favorite part. 

Cydni: I just couldn't decide where to put this, but I did wanna say something. I did wanna talk. I had something to say today. I had something to share. Sure. is that the right word? I do this every time I plan an episode, but I also usually study what we're supposed to.

I just do both. But due to the lack of time, I could only. Do this. Right? And then I said to God in a [00:30:00] prayer, Hey, will you help me tie this stuff in? And he's like, no. And I said, okay, I'll just figure it out on my own. Will you help share, edit this at least please. don't make this hard for a share to edit. That's just a personal note for myself. Okay. Are you seriously apologizing? You should not. I have you heard me? 

Sher: else? Do you still feel angry? I was never angry at you. Okay, but am I making you more angry? No. Okay. I'm gonna try harder. Gosh. 

Cydni: And this, this room. Okay. Amen. 

Sher: Have a good week. Bye.