Shame Says Hide, Repentance Says Come Home

Repentance shouldn't feel scary. It should feel like coming home. This week Cydni and Sher try to reframe repentance. Repentance isn't about shame, punishment, or keeping a running list of everything you've done wrong. It's about turning away from sin and turning toward God. They dig into what Elder Neal A. Maxwell and Sister Tamara Runia have to say about it, why Rudy the dog getting stuck behind the bed is actually a perfect metaphor, and why Cydni still wishes we could just sacrifice a dove and call it good. This week's episode is "Shame Says Hide, Repentance Says Come Home" and we are so glad you are here!

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Show Notes

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Transcript

Episode 165 - Shame Says Hide, Repentance Says Come Home 

Cydni: [00:00:00] I don't always announce what our topic is in this intro, but I just must say that the reason we're having a topic of repentance is because Sher went to a taco shop, said it was so amazing, and I had to go try it, 'cause it was delicious, and then she doesn't know what the name is, and she needs to repent of that.

I call you to repentance , Sher. You need to know the taco shop. If you're gonna bring up a taco shop- ... you need to know the name and the hours. Repent. 

Sher: I literally told you where it was. 

Cydni: That's not an address. It's just like, it's in this general area. You might as well have been like, ""It's in Utah

Sher: wow. This repentance topic's gonna be really fun. You even have Rudy crying. 

Cydni: Repent, Rudy Welcome to the Cydni and Sher Podcast. Sher knows things. She doesn't know addresses, she doesn't know where the tacos are, but she knows other things. Welcome. 

Sher: Who knew that just bringing up random tacos you were gonna get so upset?

Cydni: I had a completely different intro ready. [00:01:00] And I've been sitting here stewing over this, Well, we had the best tacos last night. They were delicious." It was so good. You could totally have some if I knew where it was." Are you just trying to hurt me? I even listed a taco shop in the area, and you're like, "Nope, not that." I just feel like you're lying to me. 

Sher: I told you right where it was. Rudy's still crying because of you. I don't know how I'm gonna get through this, But today we are still talking about the basics that we need to be able to fight in the shade like the Spartans did. The Spartans were not afraid to drop the added weight if necessary. They would drop a broken spear, a shield, whatever was necessary to win the battle. They weren't attached to things that became unnecessary and burdensome. So what are we holding onto that we should be letting go of? God has provided us with the atonement and the opportunity to repent, to let go of things that are weighing us down. So today we wanna talk about repentance, and that it's not meant to be a punishment. It's an [00:02:00] opportunity to learn and do better.

So for example, there are so many times that I have corrected a student with their assignment, and I would tell them how to correct or fix something, and then they would lose their minds over it. Just because I corrected them, it doesn't mean that they're a bad person. It just means that I'm trying to help them learn from mistakes and get better. But this is what I do when I make a mistake. I beat myself up, and I need to look at it more like my Savior is the teacher in the classroom, and he's saying the same things that I would say to my student, that the correction doesn't make you a bad person.

It's an opportunity to learn. And Elder Kearon said in his talk, Welcome to the Church of Joy, he said, "In the stillness, we can ponder the many ways we have seen the Lord relentlessly pursue us with His wonderful love that week. We can reflect on what it means to discover the joy of daily repentance. We can give thanks for the times [00:03:00] that the Savior entered into our struggles and our triumphs, and the occasions when we felt His grace, forgiveness, and power giving us strength to overcome our hardships and bear our burdens with patience and even good cheer."

So what Elder Kearon is doing is he is helping us and showing us how to reframe repentance. It's a joy to have the opportunity to repent daily, and to learn from mistakes and improve ourselves. We can find joy that our Savior made the sacrifice to provide us this opportunity, and we can find joy that our Lord relentlessly pursues us with His wonderful love. So What we really wanna focus on is reframing repentance and the joy and opportunity it gives us to improve and to learn. 

Cydni: Our intention is to reframe repentance, so often when we think of repentance, we think of feeling guilty or shame for something that we have [00:04:00] done, or not enough, or maybe not hope. At least that's how I felt when I was growing up, and I- 

Sher: Same ... 

Cydni: yeah? And repentance felt scary to me growing up. And I did have a conversation with my oldest today about repentance, and I just asked him how does he feel with the word repentance? He was a lot more positive. He said, "I'm grateful for repentance, because I'm gonna make mistakes, and I feel grateful that there's a way for me to improve and be forgiven." I'm so grateful that he has that come to mind, because when I was his age, I felt shame, and I felt inadequate.

 I was listening to Tamara Runia's talk and she says, "It saddens me to admit this, but I used to measure my relationship with the Savior by how perfectly I was living. I thought an obedient life meant I never needed to repent, and when I made mistakes, which I made every single day, I distanced myself from God thinking He must be so disappointed in me, and this is just not true."

And when she says this, [00:05:00] I relate to that. I remember most of my life I have thought if I just stay as perfect as possible, then I don't have to apply the atonement, I don't have to repent, and I won't get in trouble, and I won't feel guilty. And then I listened to a talk by Sheri Dew, and the idea that she shared was that one thing we don't understand about the gospel of Jesus Christ is the gospel of Jesus Christ, that so many of us don't understand the atonement and don't understand how to apply repentance and what it's doing, and that is a great fear of hers, and that we need to understand repentance for what it actually is, which is not feel shame, feel guilt, try to live perfectly because if you don't, you will be punished.

Sher, I don't know if you remember last year we talked about repentance a little bit and we had learned that repentance was turning away from something. It was doing a pivot, I really loved that. But this time studying, I had a different thought with it because I've thought so much about [00:06:00] repentance as turning away from sin, but what I didn't consider was I'm turning away from sin, but I'm turning to God.

So the shift that happened for me was less about repent, repent, repent, it's turn to God, turn to God, turn to God, and I find that to be really beautiful and encouraging.

Sher: Yeah, it's a lot more joyful rather than thinking that you're just gonna get kicked in the butt. 

Cydni: Someone's gonna find out that you're not perfect. As soon as we open our mouth, they know. 

Sher: Yes, unfortunately that's true. We also wanted to talk a little bit today about what is repentance and who needs to repent, and first we're gonna start with what is repentance. 

Cydni: And then we'll move to a long list of people I feel personally that I know who need to repent. 

Sher: Oh, I can't wait for that, Cydni. I'm sure I'm at the top. But to find the answer to what is repentance, I went to your guy, Elder Neal A. Maxwell, and he said that repentance is one of the most vital and merciful doctrines of the [00:07:00] kingdom. So- Vital and merciful means that it's not punitive and it's compassionate. Further, he explained that repentance gives us the opportunity to have individuality.

He said, "Sin, on the other hand, brings sameness. It shrinks us to addictive appetites and insubordinate impulses." From reading his talk, Cydni, I learned that repentance brings individuality and freedom, which we learned last year, that individuality and freedom brings us joy and happiness.

So repentance, that's what it can do, It's giving us the opportunity to make more choices, not less. Elder Maxwell further said, "Repentance is a rescuing, not a gloomy doctrine. It is available to the gross sinner as well as to the already good individual striving for incremental improvement." And , you, like, quoted Elder Maxwell in what you said earlier, Cydni. He said, "Repentance requires both turning away from [00:08:00] evil and turning to God." Elder Maxwell explains that this is available to all of us. No matter how fallen or where we are in the process of building our faith, we all have access to receive the compassion and the joy of repentance.

So the next question is then, who needs to repent? And the obvious answer is everyone does because we all fall short. This is something that the Savior made possible for all of us, which is a blessing and something that we really should be grateful for 

Cydni: I actually didn't really create a list of people who need to repent. When I was trying to think of if I could and if it could be funny, i'll be honest, all that came to my mind was when I was a young girl and my brother and I were fighting in the Suburban, like full-on fighting- ... 'cause we fought like ferocious beast. And my foot hit the window, and it cracked the window, and my brother got in trouble for it. I knew- Well played, Cydni Thank you And nobody was to know who did [00:09:00] it 'cause we were both fighting, but he was more rebellious, and he got into more trouble, so it was just assumed it was him.

He didn't even know he didn't do it. And I was the only one, just me and God, who knew, and I let him get in trouble. That's what came to mind. So I was like, "I can't make a list. I can't even make a joke about it. I'm still having to repent for that." I've confessed since. 

Sher: So your brother knows now- 

Cydni: Yeah, my parents and my brothers, all of them, and my children, they all know the story. I've confessed. I told them, like, last Tuesday. So- 

, Right before this episode 'cause if, heaven forbid, they listen, they'd be like, "Huh, interesting coming from you, you liar."

Sher: You are a great sister. 

Cydni: I know. That's why I didn't do a list, that reason right there.

Sher: , Cydni, you're making me really grateful that I don't have a sister.

Cydni: My brothers would never say that. 

Sher: Mine probably would. 

Cydni: Mine definitely would. That was one story of 100. man, looking back, I was the worst. Good thing there's repentance 

Sher: Good thing for all of us.

So besides [00:10:00] breaking the suburban window- ... what do we need to repent for? And I found this question really interesting because it's just this huge long list. How can you ever keep track of what you need to repent for? 

Cydni: I know. I have a list too. 

Sher: It just goes on forever.

Cydni: I was thinking, first things that come to mind, parole violation- ... pocket picketing, motor vehicle theft, arson, aggravated assault, identity theft. What was the first things that came to your mind? 

Sher: Well, I actually didn't make that kind of a list. I was thinking of, , real things that I needed to repent of- Same

Cydni: Cydni. Absolutely. 

Sher: But Cydni, I decided not to go with your list, and not to even go with my list and I found this. What we need to repent for is pretty simple. Anything that separates us from our Father in heaven and Jesus Christ. If what we are doing gets us further away from them, we need to repent.

And going back to Elder Neal A. Maxwell, remember he said, [00:11:00] "Repentance requires both turning away from evil and turning to God." And so that's what we need to focus on. We're all imperfect but what we're trying to do is overcome those imperfections and move ourselves closer to our Heavenly Father and our Savior. That's the whole point of repentance.

Okay, next we wanted to focus on how we repent. 

Cydni: I know I've said it before, but I do wish we'd bring back the animal sacrifice when you're in trouble. I feel like that would be so nice. 

Sher: Good grief, Cydni. 

Cydni: And just easy. 

Sher: I... Oh, my word. 

Cydni: What if you could just pay some money and you don't have to say what you did. You're just like, "Well, that's a big lamb, it must've been a big arson attack." I don't know. I just feel like that'd be so much easier than what we have to do Come on, tell me you've never thought about that.

Sher: I've never thought of that. I've no desire. Even on Sunday during sacrament meeting, I was literally thinking, "I am so grateful that we don't do that anymore." 

Cydni: Really? 

Sher: Yeah. 

Cydni: Dang. I'm sitting there in the same room and I'm like, "Gosh, I wish we did that still." 

Sher: I don't even know [00:12:00] how I am in the basement with you at this moment, and heaven only knows I need to lock Rudy somewhere in a room.

Cydni: I would never do that to Rudy. I'm not just trying to come up with a way to get away with killing an animal. I'm just thinking that's easier than what we have to do now, which is, like, have a better attitude, change your behavior, let go of things that hurt your soul. Like that. what if you're just like, "Sorry, dove.

Bad day for me. Bad day for you." 

Sher: I don't even have a comment for you. I have no words for you right now. 

Cydni: I keep talking 'cause you're just not saying anything. 

Sher: Well, I'm gonna give you a different list other than killing a dove, okay? 

Cydni: Fair.

Sher: All right. So let's go back to our question of how do we repent? Here is the process of repentance the first thing we should do is recognition or acknowledge that we've made a mistake or we have sinned. 

Cydni: That would look like this. Sher, I acknowledge you've made a mistake. 

Sher: By doing this podcast with you? Correct. By having this be our topic today? Also [00:13:00] correct. I am sorry to myself and everyone listening.

 Okay. Second is remorse. It's a godly sorrow, not just regret at getting caught. You're not gonna say anything snarky there? 

Cydni: I haven't. I was just biting my tongue. But I do remember a time when Eona snuck in and ate chips, and I took them from her and she was crying. And I did say to her, "You know, you weren't supposed to take those, and that's probably why you're feeling sad."

And she said, "No, I's sad because I got caught." And I was like, "You're an honest woman, and you keep that up, young lady." 

Sher: That is good. 

Cydni: Yeah. 

not the right part, though. She did not have godly sorrow. She did 

Sher: not. 

Cydni: But she did have regret at getting caught, 

Sher: that's the whole point in the process is She was sad she got caught. She didn't have that true godly sorrow. 

Cydni: Right. 

Sher: Right? - 

Cydni: Which I Have all the time. 

Sher: I have also because of this podcast episode right now. 

Cydni: I'm so sorry for anyone who actually wants to know about repentance.

Sher: All right. The third step is forsaking, which means [00:14:00] stopping the behavior. 

And fourth is confession, this is confess to God that you've made a mistake, or if it's more serious, going and talking to your bishop.

Next is restitution. Restitution is making things right where possible. So ask for forgiveness to the person that you've wronged. Last is righteous living, and that is where you turn to God and you have a change in yourself going forward. this is a daily lifelong process.

It takes practice, patience, humility, and the ability to not beat yourself up, but to be grateful for the opportunity to learn and move on. And this is something, Cydni, I'm gonna be really honest, that I'm still trying to learn how to repent daily. It's something that I want to get better at because I know I make mistakes every day, but I know that I'm not gonna get better if I don't acknowledge it and repent and change my behavior.

Cydni: I think that's why repentance is actually so difficult, because I think the things we need to [00:15:00] repent for are mistakes we make over and over, I feel exhausted by myself, so therefore I assume God's probably exhausted. Like, maybe I should just assume He knows I'm gonna have to say sorry again instead of this feeling of like, "Oh, my gosh, I have to say sorry for doing the same things I keep doing." The same shortcomings are always my shortcomings, and it feels like maybe there's not improvement. It feels exhausting. And I think that's just one of the reasons why it's so hard to do the daily repentance, because we're really repenting for the same things every day, like arson, shoplifting- violation of parole. You know, like that. 

Sher: No, I don't, actually. amazing you're not in my current classroom, Cydni. You're gonna end up in my classroom any day now. That's what's gonna happen. 

Cydni: I kind of thought that's what this was. 

Sher: right. I didn't realize it- ... until just now. Holy crap. Why didn't I put this together? So as I was thinking about things that I needed to repent of and what would be on my daily [00:16:00] list, Honestly, I don't wanna go over all that with everyone.

Cydni: But don't worry, I have a list for that too, Sher. Just kidding. 

Sher: But Cydni, I do want all of us to take the opportunity to reflect on something, okay? So I went out to dinner with some teacher friends, as I mentioned, and had tacos yesterday.

Cydni: I think Rudy is stuck. Will he unstuck himself? He's stuck. Oh, thanks, Cydni. Do you want me to help you? Oh my goodness.

Sher: So Cydni, I started telling you about my dinner yesterday with some friends. But then, Rudy fell behind the bed and got stuck between the bed and the headboard.

Cydni: Yes. 

Sher: I feel that there's an example that we could use there that might be better than the going out to dinner with my friends. Like, when you get stuck in a hole don't become dead weight because it's harder for God to pull you out of the hole. But if you acknowledge, "I'm stuck in the hole. I need help," and when the Lord reaches His hand out to help you, you could, like, help pull yourself up. It will make the whole process easier for you and [00:17:00] the Lord. I mean, nothing's too hard for the Lord. But I'm just saying that if you're just dead weight and you're just hanging there, the Lord needs you to have some action, and He wants you to also help yourself.

Cydni: Yeah, 'cause your dog did kind of just give up. He kind of just thought, "You know what? This is where I live now. I'm not moving. I'm not budging." But you stayed by him that whole time. were there. 

Sher: Uh-huh. 

Cydni: And God will be there for you, too. 

Sher: That's what we've learned from this episode. Don't be dead weight. Help yourself. Turn to God. Use the atonement. Don't just dangle. 

Cydni: Right. 

Sher: help The Lord pull you out of that hole. '

Cydni: Cause he wants to help you. He doesn't want you in the hole. As much as Sher didn't want the dog in the hole, God doesn't want you to stay in the hole either. That's beautiful.

Sher: Thank you, Rudy, for giving us that opportunity and that beautiful lesson. He's, like, scared to death now just sitting here- He really is ... not moving. But I really do just wanna say one thing about dinner with my friend yesterday, we were laughing about how easily we admit our mistakes or laugh at ourselves on a daily [00:18:00] basis as teachers.

Teaching middle school kids brings out the humility in you, Cydni, let me tell you. And I thought, "Why can't I do this with repentance? Why can't I just admit it, be humble, learn, and move on?"

Because this is how I survived teaching middle school for over 30 years. So I can learn to apply the same practice that I did in my classroom. I can use this in my life with daily repentance. If I come at it with the same attitude rather than being afraid, or rather thinking

It's too hard, or whatever the situation is, if I look at it with humility, and not beat myself up over it, but learn and move on, then there really is a process there to help me learn and to grow to get closer to my Savior and to my Heavenly Father.

Cydni: I wanted to just throw in one more idea from Tamara Runia, because I was thinking a lot about why don't we want to repent, and what prevents us from doing so. I have learned this in my own life, that shame is such a big part [00:19:00] of holding us back, and Satan uses shame, especially in the garden. He told Adam and Eve to hide. I really like what you're saying from Neal A. Maxwell that there's freedom in repentance. Because shame is like a chain that binds us and holds us down and tells us to hide, and I think we could see that shame's used to prevent us from repenting. And she said, "satan, the great accuser and deceiver, uses shame to keep us from God. Shame is a darkness so heavy it feels that if you took it out of your body, it would have actual weight or heft to it. Shame is the voice that beats you up saying, 'What were you thinking? Do you ever get anything right?'

Shame doesn't tell us we made a mistake. It tells us we are the mistake. We may even hear, 'Hide.' the adversary does everything in his power to keep the heaviness inside, tells us the cost is too high, that it will be easier if it stays in darkness, removing all hope. [00:20:00] Satan is the thief of hope."

And she adds at the end, 'Your worth isn't tied to obedience. Your worth is constant. It never changes. It was given to you by God, and there's nothing you or anyone else can do to change it. Obedience brings blessings, that is true, "But worth isn't one of them. Your worth is always great in the sight of God."

 As I reflected on her thoughts with what we have talked about, and understanding that repentance is turning away from sin and turning towards God, of course Satan would want us to feel so much shame that we stay in the darkness instead of turning to God.

We challenge you to have courage to turn to God no matter where you are in your life and no matter what you're dealing with, and we challenge you to give up something that is dulling your spirit, to repent from it, to make a change, and turn towards your Savior.

Sher: This brings us to our final thoughts. Repentance is not the scary thing that some of us have made it out to be. It's the Savior relentlessly pursuing each one of [00:21:00] us with His love. It's your teacher circling something on your paper, not to shame you, but because they believe that you can do better. It's dropping the broken spear so you can keep fighting. It's the daily practice of admitting mistakes, being humble, learning, and moving on. We are all works in progress, and gratefully, the Atonement was made for people exactly like us. This is our prayer. 

Cydni: From Cydni and Sher. Stay tuned to the very end, where Sher will share the taco shop's name. Just kidding, she won't. She doesn't know it, doesn't wanna share it. She's gatekeeping [00:22:00] it. Selfish.

Repent. 

Sher: You really need to move on, Cydni. I'd 

Cydni: like to order some repentance with those tacos. 

Sher: Let go. 

Cydni: And I feel like we should first just be honest and... That dog is struggling today. I know. 

Sher: Come here. 

Cydni: Rudy. He doesn't like- Yeah ... repentance. Am I misunderstanding? 

Sher: Yes.

Sorry if I gave you a teacher look. I felt like I just did.

Cydni: Sorry. You totally did. 

Sher: Sorry. 

Cydni: It's fine. 

Sher: I am repenting of my ways. 

Cydni: It's fine. I'm not crushed in my heart at all. Sorry have to go again. I was loud. Oh. Not as loud as your dog. In a different kind of hole- ... than he is in. It's, like, mental. I'll be quiet. 

Sher: Thanks for joining us. 

Cydni: We're so glad you're here.