Me, Myself, and I: ODD, BPD & the Soul Contracts Beneath the Symptoms

In this raw and revealing episode of A Spiritual World, your host Toriea brings you into the heart of a lifelong soul contract—one forged at the age of twelve, in the wake of betrayal, abandonment, and grief. We journey through the misunderstood terrain of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), exploring how these labels often mask deeper truths: sacred nervous system contracts, karmic blueprints, and survival mechanisms coded with multidimensional purpose.

You’ll hear about:

• How ODD and BPD often intertwine as symptoms of complex trauma (CPTSD)
• The “Me, Myself, and I” defense: isolation as soul protection
• The difference between being alone and being lonely
• Diagnoses as indicators of unsafe environments and unintegrated soul codes
• Why dissecting our symptoms is a radical act of self-remembrance
• How trauma creates distance—and how to begin calling your people back in

This episode is released in the midst of energetic reorganization and creative rebirth. Things may feel a little chaotic, a little ungrounded… and that’s okay. This is real life. Rebuilding in public is sacred work. Thank you for being here, for witnessing, and for walking with me as I re-anchor into clarity and expansion.

If this conversation resonates, please subscribe, share, and leave a review. You are not alone. You are in orbit. 🌍💫

Transcript

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Welcome to a spiritual world podcast, a space where we explore the vastness within and around us, a place to remember that you are a spiritual world within a spiritual world, the mind within the mind of the all. Here we journey beyond programming, pass the pain and into the true essence of our sovereignty. My name is Toriea and my soul mission is for you to find the guru within and remember yourself as the creatrix of your world, embodying the power within you to build a life you love. As always, you are encouraged to go back to episode one for the full disclaimers on the terminology of mystic psychology. I am not a medical professional and nothing shared in this podcast is intended to replace professional medical or mental health care. The term mystic psychology is not used in a clinical or medical context and has no connection to the medical field or industry. It is a spiritual and energetic framework rooted in the ancient wisdom and sciences of hermeticism. It is intended to support self exploration and inner awakening. If you are seeking medical advice, diagnoses or treatment, please consult a licensed medical or mental health professional. Everything shared here is based on my own personal lived experiences and energetic perspectives. Please take what you need and leave the rest. I am honored to walk beside you as a channel, a guide and a fellow traveler as we continue on this path together. Alright guys, welcome in to a spiritual world. I am your host, Toriea. We are rebranding from hermetically speaking to a spiritual world podcast and I am a spiritual world, you are a spiritual world. We are living in a spiritual world and in this space we uncover the mysticism in psychology. We bring about multi-dimensional healing and activate the deep remembrance of your spiritual sovereignty. It is where we speak the unspeakable, decode the unseen and remember who we truly are beneath all of that programming. And just a disclaimer, I am recording in a different space of my house today so there might be a little bit of different noises, my desk is set up and it doesn't have the sound proof mat. So we are going to roll with it and see how it goes. I like to have a little bit of freedom. But in today's episode, we are going to call it the sacred rebellion. We are diving into the spiritual roots of two heavily misunderstood diagnoses. Borderline, personality disorder and oppositional defiant disorder. So BPD and ODD. Now we are not going to look at them as labels, right? We don't want to necessarily put labels on ourselves because then we become attached to them and we make them parts of our identity and we don't want these to be parts of our identity because we want to be able to release them back into the universe. We want to thank them for their time with us. We want to thank them for how they served us and then we want to be able to say, you know, transform and transcend. So and then we're also really going to focus on the symptoms, the symptoms of a deeper fracture. And of course, what it all leads to is a lot of times the soul contracts and written in the nervous system are these symptoms and these diagnoses to awaken healers, rebels and prophets. So we'll explore why these patterns emerge, how trauma distorts connection and what it means to choose sovereignty over survival. This is a transmission for those who've been told that they are too much, too unstable, too rebellious or have just always felt that way. When in reality, you were never meant to fit in to a broken world. You were meant to change it. So let's begin. And we'll start off with right off the bat. You might be wondering why I grouped BPD and ODD together in the same episode. Well they are very personal to me. They are diagnoses that I received from a young age. And while I was misdiagnosed many, many times, I do understand that I have symptoms of different diagnoses and these would be two of them. And I also think they really run in conjunction for me. Like anytime I think of my BPD or it's not really my BPD, we're not attaching. So anytime I think of my BPD diagnosis is really where I want to say it pairs with ODD. Like I can't think of one without the other. And it might be because maybe I was diagnosed with them around the same time and that's maybe something to work through in my own healing journey. However I have found that there's a, like I said, a conjunction between the two. They cross the tracks for me. They cross each other's tracks. And at first glance, a lot of people, you know, maybe not. Maybe other people recognize the similarities as well. They might seem like they're very different experiences. However, BPD is often seen as emotional volatility. Sensitivity turned all the way up. And ODD is seen as defiance. Resistance turned into rebellion. However, when I looked deeper, energetically, spiritually and through the lens of trauma, they are connected for me at the root. Both disorders are reactions to powerlessness. Both are expressions of a fragmented self trying to survive an environment that were unsafe, invalidating or controlling. And both carry this one deep, often invisible pattern, a deep distrust of others, and an even deeper longing to be loved without conditions. And I also want to bring in the faculty. We talked about just briefly stated that unsafe, invalidating or controlling. However, I also think that at least in my reflection of BPD and ODD and the symptoms that I have noticed that I then invoked controlling symptoms of my own. Now this is just for me again, but I'm hoping that it helps others understand and relate. And that control, of course, kind of goes hand in hand when you don't trust other people, right? And I'm also hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? And I'm hoping that I can control myself, right? Like I said, for me, they kind of go hand in hand. My emotional swings are kind of my, well, they were my lashouts. They were, you know, me resisting other people's control. And I was a lot of times looked at as ODD because I didn't allow people to get close to me because I had these intense emotional swings because no one, I felt like I was unheard. I felt like I wasn't listened to. I felt like the adults in my life were, you know, I'm the adult and I said so, I'm the adult and you do what I say. I'm the adult and I know better. And nobody knows better for me than I know better for me. Even at that age, you know what I mean? And I think that that's where we lack and a lot of understanding is that, and I'm not saying children are completely developed. I'm not saying I knew everything back then. However, I knew that I was in pain. I knew that I was sad. I didn't trust people. And the people around me that I couldn't, they couldn't face that I couldn't trust them because they couldn't face themselves, right? So it really depends on what environment you're in. So, and like I said, I don't, this podcast feels like it's kind of breaking apart and coming back together. And that's how this episode kind of feels. Not scattered, but I don't know. I guess I'm in this like kind of vortex where it's like, oh my gosh, what's it all going to be? How's it going to be? What's going to, you know? So I'm trying to like, kind of release all of that and just really flow through this. So you guys just kind of stick with me. And I hope that you guys can take something with you. And so, like I said, I paired them together to show this full arc of fragmentation. And to me, ultimately, and I believe I touched on this later on in the episode, but ultimately these are two symptoms of CPTSD, right? Like when you have CPTSD complex post-traumatic stress disorder, it is built over time. It is built over multiple traumatic instances, multiple distrustful situations that the nervous system gets overloaded with, your brain gets overloaded with. And so all of these different symptoms start to appear, right? Like if you have complex post-traumatic stress disorder from abandonment issues, then that's going to make you never want to trust people again or get close to people again and have those unstable emotions and those unstable identities and the lack of the ability to sustain long-term relationships, right? And of course, you're not going to want to listen to anybody because you don't trust anybody. It doesn't matter if it's a societal paradigm, a governmental paradigm, or a familial paradigm. If you have this innate ability or innate ability in you was formed to distrust, I think that sometimes we forget that there's sovereignty in that. And that's where also that full arc of fragmentation and sovereignty come. Because the broken systems don't serve us. So why should we listen to them, right? I'm not saying hurt anybody. I'm not saying go out and like I don't believe in like writing or anything like that. I believe that there are peaceful ways. And I know that that kind of sounds like some people are like, please, yeah, like you got to create the chaos. I've just had enough chaos in my life. And I did have chaos and I tried revenge and I tried vengeance and I tried resentment. And none of them, they fueled me, but they didn't fuel me in the way that my peace and my sovereignty fuel me now. And it took me going through those to find that. So it's a process for everyone. So like I said, these come from the wound of needing love. However, not trusting it, not trusting that they're worthy, not opening themselves up to love because they don't know how to. They don't even know that they're cut off from love because nobody talks about. Nobody teaches children or really anybody what emotional maturity is and. Or even like how to handle emotions or what emotions are right. Like I didn't know the differences between envy and jealousy until I was like 36 years old. Right? And I also thought that they were like, oh my gosh, nobody wants to like, please. Like those are both really, really beautiful words. And so what ends up happening is the rebellion that rises when the soul refuses to be caged. One more time kind of lashes out in these symptoms and these over encompassing diagnoses. And this is how the inner split plays out. And this is how we begin to bring it back into our wholeness. So for me, these two energies, VPD and ODD intertwined long before I ever had names for them. I shouldn't say super long because the diagnosis didn't like they didn't come ridiculously long after. However, the symptoms obviously started before the diagnoses, which duh. I was around 12 years old when I made a very specific soul contract with my higher self. And I remember it still to this day. My higher self has not let me forget it. My ego has not let me forget it because my ego probably thinks this is one of our downfall turning points. And it very well could have been. And like I said, it was ingrained in me. It lived in my bones even before I understood what I was doing on an aetheric or alchemical level when I made this soul contract with myself. And I remember being 12 years old and I declared to myself, no one else, me, myself, and I for the rest of my life. I would never trust anyone again. And I meant it with every part of my being. I had no one left that I could trust and it was just going to be me, myself, and I. And I remember my higher self literally telling me you're not grieving properly. And me saying back to my higher self, yeah, I know, but what am I supposed to do about it? Like I didn't have the language to go to the one parent that I had, the one maternal or biological parent that I had left and say, I'm not grieving properly. Like I didn't have that language. I knew it. Like I understood what my higher self was telling me. However, I didn't have a solution because I also didn't trust anyone to help me through this struggle because they were already tearing me apart. And there was just so much chaos already. Like the distrust and the illusions had been shattered at that point. And there wasn't any going back for me. I had just lost my dad and in the aftermath, the majority of the significant adults in my life, the ones who should have held me, chose my inheritance and my dad's belongings and their own survival mechanisms over my well-being. And it's not to say that some, you know, didn't try intermittently, like even ones that hurt me might have tried to love me, but the hurt was already done. The betrayal was already there. So why did I want their love? You know what I mean? Like I just cut myself off to everything. And I had already kind of planned the moment that I found out that my dad had passed. There was just a switch. Like I just, there was a switch that went off. You'll hear me talk about it. It was like a light switch from light to dark and my entire world changed. And so they and myself, everything that I knew started to disappear into the chaos. And I had a connection, betrayal and destruction, swallowed, whatever was left to me. And my dad died physically and activated a spiritual death within and all around me, taking what I thought love was with it. And sometimes this stuff is hard for me to talk about because it's like, damn, I'm still like, I've worked through a lot of it, but there's still, you could probably hear it in my voice. I can't replace my words because it's like, do I really want to talk about this? But I do. Because I know that people can relate. I know that it can help others. I know that it has helped me working through this and coming to the awareness that I have. And so, so I adapted at that age, right? I was 12. My dad died right before I was 11. So it took a little while for all this to set in. And so I began to adapt. And by adapting, I mean, I started to harden. I remember mentally building walls in my psyche, like building walls of like brick and mortar. And like just visually, like seeing myself do it around my spirit and around my body and in my mind. And then as I got older with more trauma that occurred, I would build new walls around that brick wall until finally whenever I collided with my twin flame. And I built like this iron wall around me. And then this psychosis made me rip every single wall down. So that was fun. Anyways, I didn't trust anyone. I wouldn't take direction from anyone. And from as far as I could remember, I could see and feel unconscious motivation behind adult actions and words. So this made it even more difficult. Because I could see their behaviors and why they were doing what they were doing. And I didn't quite understand it. Because it's like, you're, you're making, you're making this decision out of. And this wound or out of this, you know what I mean? And it's kind of hard to explain because while I didn't have the ability to like be like, oh, I'm not grieving properly or maybe I didn't, maybe I didn't want to deal with it then. I'm not sure. But there's just a lot of language I lack in understanding. Like I understand that I had gifts when I was that age that I didn't know that I had. Like I thought it was normal to be able to understand where people's actions and words were coming from. I thought like, you know, like if my mom did something and I like, oh, like I didn't have the language for inner child at the time. But I knew that it wasn't necessarily maybe like the most adult behavior. Like I, you know, had more expectations than that. But I also, I'm like, I'm the child. I'm supposed to act that way. Why are you know, I mean that kind of concept. And you know, so I was really, really disappointed when their like when my maturity felt like it was higher than theirs. But trust me, it wasn't because I was lashing out in a lot of ways too. It just I could see it. I could see where they were coming from and I didn't have the language like I do now. And I'm so grateful for the language I have now. Because I can understand the inner child and I can understand the inner adolescent and I can understand that these were wounded parts of them that just they didn't really see either. But I could see them which created a lot of chaos because since I could see it, they couldn't see it. I didn't understand how they couldn't see it. So I started the loop of insanity from a very young age of trying to get them to see their own shit and it didn't work out very well. Let's put it that way. It was just a lot of headbutting and all of that. And of course I didn't even want to look at myself because I didn't trust anybody, right? Like I felt like everybody else's criticism was because I caught them in shit and because of, you know, their own selfishness and things like that. So I'm kind of rambling there. And so let me find my place again. And I feel like I'm starting this podcast all over again. I'm like, oh, let me find my like I feel like this is me in the earlier episodes. Oh my goodness. And so yeah, so I could feel unconscious motivation. I definitely had to let the I knew things that only to love with the transmitted to me that my higher self allowed me to know some of it was to break me more. Some of it were truths that were so awful to hear. However, they set me free and understanding like that I needed to break these bonds between myself and these adults. I had to stop idolizing. I had to stop the codependency. And it took me a long time to do it. And I did it in a very destructive manner when I initially did it. But yes, so let's see here. Okay, so we're going to jump to the paradox. The paradox here is that even though I forged a solo path of me myself and I being this fiercely independent rebellious and emotionally volatile being the one thing I really longed for was love. I always wanted to find love. I always wanted to give love except for two the people that hurt me. They were the exception. And it's not to say that other people were not casualties. I definitely hurt people that I love. And have been doing living a man since then and we have great relationships. But you know, it wasn't a it wasn't a straight line or just black and white. So while my intentions were to punish the ones that had hurt me and loved the ones that didn't everything became mixed and and you know, I had to admit that to get where I am today. And so while I craved nutrients and I craved connection, I didn't trusted enough to receive it or that I had been worthy of it. Right. I had this deep abandonment wound. Basically like succumbing me to being an orphan where I just felt completely detached from any parent figure whether it was biological or any other form that I had known. So and because I didn't know really what those words meant anymore, nutrients, connection, even love. No one really stayed long enough to help me feel them and I didn't want them to right and nobody really modeled them at least it wasn't the people I wanted to and I didn't even know who I wanted to right like it's really hard to to have trauma happen as a kid and as an adolescent because it's like you want help but the people that you're stuck with. You don't want them to help and it's really nothing personal against them. It's just they can't help. They're not the ones to help you help pull you out of the mud. And you know, I've had circumstances where like my siblings have not been able to understand why I couldn't get better and I put that in air quotes. And like get better for them or for my mom or you know just for any of my family members and you know it just it didn't work out that way. I had other people outside of the family dynamics activate me into healing and that's how my spirit did it. That's how my higher self led me and guided me. You know, my family and I have different pains and different experiences and I think that's a part of it is that the people that were able to activate my healing. We had the same type of pain. We understood the same levels of devastation and rock bottoms and self harm or self hatred or shame regret all of those things. And yet, thank everything God karma, whatever you want to say that my siblings didn't have that type of pain. You know what I mean? Because I wouldn't I wouldn't want that. So anyways, I ended up chasing chasing everything down and burning it all at the same time in my life. I rebelled against everything and still felt abandoned. So this is where I'm sure I definitely could have been seen as this ODD and BPD and I wore the armor and I still blood underneath of it. That sole contract, the one that said no one will ever get that close again. It ruled my life for years until my Saturn returns started knocking down my door, which was right around the cusp of my 28th birthday or 28th year. And slowly that's when everything began to crack. So from like the time I was 12 until I was 28, I lived in this type of chaos. And the Saturn return wasn't necessarily punishment. It was an invitation. It was the universe saying it's time to come home to myself. It's time to remember what love actually feels like. It's time to know the truth. It's time to be you love you not as you were shown before, but to reparent yourself and do all of these things that I did in the psychosis and since then. And that's when I started realizing that what I called strength was really survival and what I called independence was really fragmentation. And the rebellion wasn't wrong. It just needed somewhere safe to land. And that's when the psychosis my higher self in the mantis and ascended master frequencies began mirroring me. They began mirroring the me myself and I back to me and basically like propelled me and forced me into a timeline where the whole me myself and I concept was used to transform me. So me myself and I was totally used to tear myself down to the rock bottom pits of hell and purgatory. And then it was me myself and I that climbed back out of it. And no one was going to do it for me as much as I wanted people to do it for me back then. No one was going to dig me out of the diseased thinking and the actions that I had buried myself in for years. And that's what identifying these diagnoses that I have had for all too many years of familiarity with and dissecting their symptoms is so very important to me. It has been a big part of my path. And so you know it might be even just a small portion of yours. So I'm going to zoom back out here for a minute back to the actual topic of the podcast. Not that my personal experience isn't you know eventful and helpful. But these diagnoses the BPD the ODD the CPTSD anxiety all of them. They are obvious indicators that someone has lived in an unsafe environment that parts clear. But what if they're not just that what if these symptoms are also signals of a nervous system that's been wrecked by over stimulation, betrayal, inconsistency and unmet needs. And I would like to put like one of my nervousness in episodes like this when I talk about my past is because I'm not where my past is anymore. But neither is my family like I sometimes feel bad if I even mention the unhealthiness and the volatility that my mom and I had because we're not bad anymore like my mom is one of my best friends. She is on a healing journey. She is on her own journey and she is phenomenal and you know she had me she birthed me into this life for me to experience the things that I chose to experience and for me to be come who I have today who I have today. And we had to go through that to get where both of us are. So I think I get really nervous because she she's she's very well probably will listen to these and or anybody that personally knows me like I want it to be known that that is not where we are anymore. And I just get nervous about that right like oh my gosh like I don't want anybody to get the wrong impression I don't want I don't and it's because I used to live in the world where it's all I talked about. I talked about my pain I trauma bombed I you know told everybody what my mom and I went through and what me and the rest of my family members went through and things like that. And now when I speak on it it's not because I'm trying to shame blame run away or you know resentment or anything like that it's I'm trying to give a very realistic understanding of where I have been. So that it is relatable and just because like I said my goal is to to be a service and help here and have that somebody get something out of it. And so right we're going back to what if they are signals right over stimulation the trial inconsistency and unmet needs and what if these patterns aren't just biological or environmental. What if they create like this snap right like sorry those me snapping my fingers against the desk. What if they create this snap within our psyches that creates more and more multi dimensions. What if your rage your shutdowns your refusal to follow rules your inability to stay in one place or your one identity aren't flaws or disorders. They are codes and their codes pointing you to your unique path of healing evolution and personal power what if the symptoms aren't something to fix but to something to unpack right like that kind of like how can I impact these symptoms what can I understand about them. How can I get to know them these symptoms are parts of me and they're sometimes their own beings within me that feel parasitic feel controlling like I want them gone I hate it and I've definitely had that and that's when you know they no longer serve you. And so this pack that we're unpacking we want to sort through it we want to sit with it we want to understand it layer by layer until we begin to see the intelligence underneath of the dysfunction right because here's what I have found as you start to decode your symptoms as you track them back to their source whether that source is trauma ancestral in printing spiritual contracts or collective programming you start to grow. And you don't grow in spite of the symptoms you grow through them with them until they are no longer reactions but instead they blossom into tools that you can use rage ends up becoming a boundary right because rage is so powerful it is so strong. However, used in the wrong energy it can do a lot of harm to yourself and to others and so instead being able to transform rage into boundaries and having those sustainable boundary lines and kind of patterning within you that serves you instead of completely burning everything around you right like I used to feel like carry from the movie carry like I just that's how I felt like about the world and everything. And instead I am at peace today and I get to feel that I have boundaries that I can clear like no is a full sentence and I don't need to explain myself and you know I don't have to just use the word no I can express how I feel without infringing on somebody else's rights or their own feelings or anything like that. So rage becomes your boundary avoidance becomes your compass for false alignment and defiance becomes your sacred discernment and what once wrecked your nervous system becomes the very reason you learn how to heal it because it's never just about what happened to you. It's about what it awakened in you this is where healing meets evolution and this is where the multi-dimensional self begins to remember who it is beneath all of the noise and all of the chaos. I have received more diagnosis than I can count honestly it really just depends on which doctor I saw what time of the year was which textbook they were pulling from at the time maybe which medicines they had contracts with who knows. And some of the worst ones came before PTSD even had a proper seat at the table and there was a time when CPTSD wasn't recognized in most mental health spaces. So instead I got the above labels the two of the ones that we were talking about today. BPD depression anxiety mood disorder dissociation ODD and a long list of acronyms that never really saw me and what I was going through. And over time I started to realize something all these diagnoses were just fragments they were highlighted symptoms of one core wound complex PTSD. And of course that was later confirmed once I started walking my path and I was able to align myself with the right professionals and that has been the lens that I understand moving forward. I think the majority of society probably has PTSD in some shape or form. I think that it's riddled in our bones I think it's riddled in our DNA because of how our society is set up and that it is it's set up for growth but only in very limited ways like we have to grow in a specific framework. And I think that creates a lot of chaos and I think it creates a lot of disillusionment and it doesn't create from creativity and necessarily expansion. Right. And I've talked a little bit about it on different episodes on different subjects and the first one that comes to mind is like the medical industry right. Like what if we're dealing with a situation where the medical industry doesn't want to admit that they can cure cancer because they're so afraid that they're going to run out of money if they cure people with cancer. Like the reality of it is dude why don't you just cure cancer and then see what you expand to after that instead of like they don't trust the process they don't trust the spiritual evolution they don't trust. And I think that that comes from a society that we have built that you know the way that we are deserving or determined worth right. So complex PTSD it's everywhere. And that's the energy that I work with for myself and in the healing spaces that I hold for others. So if you've been drowning in diagnosed diagnostic language just know that you are not alone and you have full permission to reclaim your experience on your own terms. And so I want to like I said kind of dive a little bit more into the DSM five clinical definitions or bullet points of what BPD and ODDR. So BPD is the frantic efforts to avoid a ban to me real or imagined which is the inability to handle long term relationships and long term emotions unstable relationships the idealization into the devaluation identity disturbance shifting the self image the goals the values right like I could see this so much in myself with every time that I died my hair. And every time that I wanted a new piercing and every time that I you know change something about my life. Because I had to shift to I was because I didn't know who I was and who I was I didn't like and with every person or part of me that came alive as my dominant character at the time you know when we would fuck up we would just let's switch let's be something different right let's let's be someone new. Impulsivity right substance abuse reckless sex binge spending binge eating the list goes on and on when it comes to that in recurrence suicidality and self harm and chronic emptiness and that comes from the credit goes to APA 2013 on that one and then same for the ODD which the bullet points I have under that are angry and irritable mood frequent temper outbursts argumentative and defiant behavior it's refuses rules annoys deliberately and vindictiveness spife will at least twice in six months is the is the timeline that they have there. ODD they say is typically diagnosed in kids however it can linger into adulthood and I don't I don't you know it's an infinite reality I don't necessarily think that anyone diagnosis should be you know group to to just children in some regards I know plenty of adults that flip the middle finger up in the air to to a lot of a lot of authority in any shape or form. So yeah my like heart says a little ODD is bad so it's a good thing right because we're we're in some really chaotic and trying times but again even with these symptoms we can have these symptoms and they can come out in ways of peace when we're aware of them right like at least not hurting others and definitely not hurting yourself. We can find outlets especially once you're aware of these things it might even be some people might feel it is your responsibility to to do so. So here's where it gets a little spicy got some research to suggest that these disorders actually might be evolutionary adaptations look at that maybe they're spiritual and a theoretical and their multi-dimensional. So BPD as hyper vigilance there was a study where women with BPD ancestors were more likely to survive childhood trauma by developing acute social threat detection and that was a study by someone named line hun in 1993 in the translation for that study in short terms is your abandonment radar isn't broken it's honed by generational survival. ODD as anti oppression coding so the study was out of the journal of psychology in 2018 kids with ODD show higher creativity and resistance to peer pressure. Translation your defiance might be hard wire dissent against corrupt systems right like we know this education system is no longer serving our children it hasn't been they've been dumbing them down for years right like so the ones that are like kind of bucking it are like this is dumb this doesn't work for me and nobody's really listening to them they're getting labeled as ADHD or or rebellious or they get sent to night school or suspended you know all of those things. And then there is the neurodivergence overlap and NCBI from 2020 stated that 40% of BPD patients also meet ADHD criteria chaos is not pathology it is a different operating system right a lot of people. Have heard chaos magic right like chaos is the breakdown of what is no longer serving chaos is how to destruct and pay new pathways things like that and you know this 40% of BPD patients also meet ADHD this really just comes into play that all of these symptoms from every diagnosis across the board is going to be interchangeable right you'll have 10 different diagnoses with 10 different symptoms and then two of the two symptoms from each one of those will cross over or three or four and you just have this giant spider web of I mean I guess the term is neurodivergence now I don't know if that's right because I know that like neurodivergence is like a specific category of people that call themselves neurodivergence so I don't really know how I would over encompass that in better language at this time. Anyways when the DSM or anybody calls you disordered remember the entomology of this order dis ease all of those things too that is in a previous episode but anyways science itself says you might just be overclocked for revolution also yeah I put this twice where I said I'm saying it twice I guess it is very important and symbolic that you understand the etymology of the words disorder and dis ease because the baseline for those types of things is very important to understand and be able to grow out of there's a lot of ums in this episode I'm not very happy about myself with this it'll be okay though funny guys will forgive me right so what if these studies are just secular confirmations of what mystics have always known that the wounded are often sears and let's dissolve the lab coats and step into the temple right like we're going to take off our mystics psychology lab codes and we're going to step into the temple of the hyrophin in the priestess and we're going to go down into the wells what if BPD and ODD are sacred contracts agreements written in the language of the nervous system that awaken the healer the rebel or the prophet within what if your rebellion is not random what if it's written in the karmic blueprint of your soul role in this lifetime you know I've had symptoms of ADHD or 80 I don't even know if they're the same anymore I have lost track pretty much all of my life like since my dad passed away I've had those symptoms however no matter what doctor I went to that is the one diagnosis that I never received and my understanding of it now when you know I was really trying to understand that with my higher self was because it's not a good idea because if I had received that diagnosis I would have made it my identity and I would have been on medicine that I necessarily would have never felt like I needed to lose it was the one diagnosis that I would have looked at as okay it's part of me everybody is it but the rest of these I fight so that is a soul contract to me you're I chose the diagnoses that I have received in some way shape or form because of their symptoms and their symptoms are they have definitely weighed me down but everything is a blessing in a curse so they are also able to lift me up and that they have as I have sorted through them every trigger is a key to a new doorway so BPD's fear of abandonment hurts yes ODD's rage and authority burns absolutely the way you go jobs lovers even your own goals it feels like self sabotage however what if in those moments these are symptoms of your soul's brutal honesty trying to speak through to you and before we really understood that we were on these spiritual journeys we didn't know how to listen or understand we would just ignore our soul we would ignore our intuition we will ignore our gut for what we were supposed to do and these kind of outbursts and things like that they became a refusal to fake commitment just even for a brief moment and to perform stability you know when your crave when your spirit craves met of morphysis so nature doesn't apologize for hurricanes or molting snakes so why do we pathologize the storm inside of us a guru says find your purpose and cling to it but what if your purpose is reincarnating reincarnating yourself every six months think about it the Buddha left his kingdom the Phoenix burns itself alive and quantum particles exist in multiple states until they are observed so you're not flaky your quantum and your failure to commit it might be your soul refusing to be pinned down by 3D illusions of life by 3D illusions of success and waiting for the right times the right moments in the right soul contracts or maybe we're all just traumatized because both can absolutely be true your ODD isn't just I hate rules it's holy rage against systems that tried to cage you it's boundary radar for inauthenticity and it is sacred ADHD that your spirit demands novelty because you're here to experience everything but the trap is glorifying chaos as enlightenment the real work is honoring your chaos while asking is this fear or freedom am I transcending or just running you don't have to fix yourself to be spiritual your BPD isn't bad or good it's data your ODD isn't wrong it's intel the goal isn't to heal into some Zen zombie at least not everybody's that is some people's past and I don't mean Zen zombie in a bad way in that case and I don't mean it in a bad way anyway it's just good terminology here but to dance with your shadows until they become lanterns right like we live in a world of duality for a reason to be able to walk through both realms simultaneously and one no longer feel heavier than the other in a sense right but we're also here to transmute the shadow into the light both exist we have to work with what we're given in this time frame of the you guys and so try this mantra I am not afraid of commitment I am selective with my surrender because in reality is maybe you're not broken maybe you're a warp drive in a world of horse carriages and now we're going to take it to another level where we're going to get brutally honest that these labels BPD, ODD, PTSD, ADHD, all the different ones right like these are the most familiar ones to me but there's a million of them they can become cages I talked about this at the beginning of the episodes we and I probably talked about it in more or one episode we stitched them into our skin like tattoos we say I'm unstable I have ADHD I am defiant I am broken and suddenly every emotion every reaction it gets filtered through a diagnosis instead of your own divinity I have spent years specifically there were specifically two years where I just lived that I was PTSD and since then I've also and I've spent even more years saying that I can't connect deeply because it's the BPD and years before that that thankfully I've been healed at this point or I rage out authority it's the ODD but these symptoms were meant to break the very systems that made them disorders in the first place BPD taught me to reject really really unhealthy levels of codependency it broke bonds that needed to be broken and it also had me hold out for ones that were meant to be and to help me smell manipulation like smoke and to walk away when something doesn't align that's the paradox your defense is save you until they starve you and your symptoms might be ancient wisdom and a prison you outgrow so if you can invite the mysticism in if you can release each diagnosis and symptom from its cage and then you yourself from the cage that each one puts you in your freedom is infinite your freedom is ones that we really have yet to know as a human species because we are so convoluted with diagnoses and all of these things that are wrong with us and all of these things that are wrong with our society but there is so much mystic and gratitude and amazing things that are also right with us and right with our society and right with humanity and right with who we are as the spiritual beings having these human experiences so you know what I've learned dissecting these symptoms matters because when we don't they start running the show we are giving them full control and it's almost programming on a whole nother level right like we're receiving these diagnoses and we're saying okay yeah I've got that diagnoses and then we're kind of becoming lemons of a mental health epidemic instead of being like okay what diagnoses do you think I have okay what are the symptoms let's break them down let's see which ones I actually have let's see which ones I feel called the work on first and work our way through those and one of the coolest patterns that I've seen especially in my own life is how these diagnoses can breed isolation disguised as survival we start building identities around the wound and suddenly we're at war with the world we hate the cop because he pulled us over for going 90 we hate the judge mandating drug screens because we've lost ourselves in the wrong way of how to get high we let people in just enough and then find a million reasons to burn the bridge and burn it so fiery and so finally because we fear the shaming guilt of ever wanting to return it's not just a fear of abandonment anymore it's a fear of our own vulnerability a fear of the part of us that still wants to be held that still wants love and that still believes people might be worth trusting again and if we don't slow down and start sorting through these symptoms piece by piece not to fix ourselves but to understand ourselves we stay locked in the slupe of burning everything down and wondering why we're always cold that's why this conversation matters and you guys are just going to take a brief break in recording my partner is home for the evening so I will pick this episode so if there's a different tone on the other half of the episode or anything like that then that explains it alright alright alright brief interlude there time hopped a little bit entered into a new day appreciate your patience just so I skipped a beat but obviously you didn't because you guys are in the middle of the podcast so we're just going to pick right up where we left off which is really all about the diagnosis as a cultural symptom a broken system that we want to expose and I want it so this pertains to speaking into something that I've been feeling deeply in my bones for a very long time and I'm sure that you probably have to and if not then maybe you will soon or again if it doesn't resonate doesn't resonate no big deal the rampant uptick and diagnoses especially over the past decades isn't just about better mental health awareness I believe that we could argue that it's the perspective that there is proof that we've been living in a way that no longer serves our soul while governments economies and societal systems were busy engineering progress in industrial growth capitalism consumerism digital advancement they did so at the expense of our nervous system and our mental health right kind of actually creating all of these diseases and these disorders as well as not being really educational in emotional literacy and what emotions mean how powerful they are what certain ones can lead to how not to harbor them how to release them things like that and you know at the expense of our spiritual sovereignty now no one can ever take your spiritual sovereignty away from you however I do think it gets buried and forgotten about because it's not really spoken of and that's why the age of Aquarius has stepped into our limelight right is to bring about the invocation of the spiritual sovereignty from the depths of its life cataclysmic sleep right we're just kind of tearing the earth wide open and coming out of it to bring new awareness and new understanding and knowledge and wisdom and love and this purity of knowing that is irrevocable and so this broken system we were conditioned to adapt to was never really made for wholeness it creates separation on so many different levels separation from each other separation internally right shame rejection accolades like everybody has their place right no one is better than another I sorry in my head it's like the janitor is not better than the millionaire and the millionaire is not better than the janitor and we can save us all day long but to really embody it and to really understand it is how we find ourselves in our awareness of where we are in the spiritual hierarchy and the reality of it is is like we need to turn hierarchy into a paradox right we need to kind of and you can change any but you can change the vibration of a word if it's a conscious consensus you know what I mean if more people kind of get involved you can change what hierarchy like really stigmatizes and turn it into a spiritual understanding that everybody just has their place and that the hierarchy is just an outline of under ok so like this way like your heart your heart keeps your entire body pumping right but yet there are other organs that you can live without and so is that saying that the heart is better than the other organs it's not the other organs still have a pivotal job even if they get removed I've had an organ removed from my body it's not it's energetically still there but the physical organ is gone multiple organs actually now that I think about it and they're gone right and I can still live but it doesn't mean that those organs were necessarily inadequate compared to my heart they did their job they served me and got me to where I needed to be and the physical component of them I needed to release and so it's kind of like that right like we need we don't actually need every part of our body obviously after saying that but we have all of these parts of our body however we don't necessarily put them in some hierarchy order right we don't put our lymph nodes above our skin or our skin above our brain maybe scientists do on some level right I'm not really into that like in that depth so I'm sure that they have some type of organized order of maybe what's the most important and what isn't and but in a normal everyday thinking that would be in my perspective a really good comparison to draw in because my heart is important yes but I mean if you ask me my gut brain is my most important like my stomach my gut brain down there is my most important compared to my heart and my head but everybody has a different perspective and so therefore like what is one person's version of what like a steamed hierarchy would be is a different person's version right like so we have people awakening right now and they are anchoring this consciousness in and then we will also have people that awaken last and they are still anchoring it in and just a pivotal way right like they're bringing up the anchor and then what about all the people in the middle right like they're connecting us to the beginning and to the end to where we want to be and to getting to where we want to go and there is no one that is more important than the other so we were conditioned to adapt to systems that were never made for our wholeness right and those adaptations became the disorders however here is a deeper truth this didn't happen because of some outside enemy every lineage every family system every soul group has played apart we have all contributed willingly or unknowingly to how we got here whether it's one side the other side or both sides of the coin and there is deep deep deep deep reverence to be found in this because now now we are in one of the most pivotable turning points in human evolution where we stop playing the blame game and we start holding ourselves accountable for our own spiritual prophecy our own spiritual sovereignty and what we can do to transform the world around us we are starting to awaken not just to our traumas also to our accomplishments to the gifts of survival to the wisdom we gained through dysfunction we are learning to be grateful for where we've been acknowledging that it served us and our ancestors in many ways while also standing with full authority and saying absolutely no more that doesn't work for me anymore and I'm not going to have it and I'm going to pay the new way and I'm going to be different and actually pursuing that no more being ruled by systems that profit from our pain no more normalizing polarization disconnection and fear and no more betraying the body the spirit the feminine the wilds or even the masculine because freedom is remembering who we are beneath all the programming and this remembering it is happening now in you in me in all of us so what I want to invite us into now is just a listener activation about choosing one survival strategy that really screams louder than the rest right like this is a sacred negotiation with the self so what I want you to do is if you have a minute choose one survival strategy one part of you that felt like a symptom or a saboteur it doesn't have to be from BPD or ODD it can be from anything or whatever your higher self brings into your awareness maybe it's rage emotional detachment fear of love maybe it's the voice that whispers push them away before they leave and I want you to close your eyes and place a hand over your heart or wherever this part lives in your body and when you find it I want you to speak this truth aloud I see you I know you were trying to protect me you kept me safe when no one else could thank you and let that land you're not dismissing this part you are dignifying it allowing it to feel seen and now ask the part gently but honestly do I still need you to survive or are you still here because I forgot to give you a new role and if you need to pause here because we don't want you to rush the answer we want you to allow it to speak to you not from your head but from the body from a knowing from your gut your bones your breath and maybe it says yes I'm still guarding the door or maybe it's often says I've just been waiting to be reassigned or maybe it doesn't say anything at all because you're just prodding it slowly out and it'll follow suit here after the episode sometime either way there is no shame here only information knowledge and awareness and so if your protector this part is ready to evolve ask it what it wants to be give it a new job allow it to transform within you this is the beginning of sovereignty this is where rage becomes your sword of boundary and abandonment and fear becomes discernment the ability to stay rooted even when it's uncomfortable defiance transforms into sovereignty not a reaction but a conscious clear choice it is recommended to choose one way to practice this in your real life this week say the hard truth hold the line and show up anyway and if you wobble good that means you are rebuilding from truth not performance and if you'd like to feel free when you have a space or a time light a candle and speak this new role allowed the transformation of this part announce it write it bless it embody it make it sacred because that's exactly what it is this is what transmutation looks like not erasing your symptoms evolving them into power and you are not betraying your past self you are giving them a place in your future so as we close out I'd like to show you or I'd like for you to take a minute to place a hand on your heart and say my chaos is not my enemy my defiance is not my flaw and my loneliness is not my failure and then ask what if my disorder or dis-ease is my spirit's loudest prayer for freedom allow that to land with no answers needed and just witness and if no one's told you today you are not lost you are in orbit and even through the fragmentation rebellion or grief you are still encoded with your original divine template the you that existed before the trauma the split the storm and they are still waiting to be remembered you are waiting to be remembered I really appreciate anybody that made it to the end of this episode I feel it was very fractalized without being able to see the whole I'm in this transitional phase right now of switching from hermetically speaking to a spiritual podcast which is kind of if you take a sphere and you kind of shatter in it and it kind of goes outwards and you can see all the pieces of it that's kind of how I feel where I am right now and I'm trying to reorganize and recalibrate and I know good things are to come however I just feel very disheveled in these moments and I'm excited for what's to come and I hope you guys are too because it's going to be amazing so again thank you for being here guys are amazing keep walking your path I feel a shift also I should say I don't know what's going to pan out but a shift in the meditations and the energy therapy sessions I think that having them for every single episode is putting a little bit of rigid rigidity on the podcast and so it's really going to be which ones are called to so throughout the week I will still be releasing different content on the YouTube channel however it might not always be a perfect or at least the match as in like forcing each session to have a guided meditation and energy therapy session I have found myself in this breakaway chaos moment that like I think I have two energy therapy sessions for episode 23 and you know my mind is just it's trying to organize all of it while also being kind of getting rid of the chaos and they're kind of intertwining and so I'm just trying to to follow my intuition and see where it takes us there still will be plenty of content there will still be energy therapy sessions there will still be guided meditations eventually I will start posting readings there will deep clearing protocols, drive time affirmations, right we're just going to keep expanding just as our spiritual worlds do and so I will be here to help your pathway along that with the content that I put out however if I do meditations or things that are called to the session of course I will announce those in the session pair them with them or put them directly I'm sorry in the podcast or put them directly at the end of the podcast as well I think that works well it kind of keeps everything together and so yeah all right guys, namaste and many many blessings on your way