"Terrible Lie" NIN

How did I walk into a Nine Inch Nails show a committed but discontent married woman, and walk out knowing that my marriage was over? The lies others tell hurt like the devil, but the "Terrible Lie" that I was living was killing me. I'm telling the story here. 

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So, how did I get struck by a cosmic bolt of lightning at a nine-inch nail show? And can one concert really be the catalyst to an awakening of a life-altering truth? Well, here was the situation a few months before the show. My daughter was two and my son was six. I was lying in bed one night alone, bored and restless, thinking, as many new moms probably do, what happened to my life? Didn't I used to go out and have fun? It was so quiet I could hear the whisper. Then go out. Get out and have some fun. So I reached over to my phone, I Googled concerts in LA, ACDC came up, I got tickets for that, and then I scrolled up on nine inch nails. I wasn't a fan, I hadn't listened to them since high school. I didn't even know they'd released a new album, but I heard they put on a good show. So I hesitated for a sec and then tapped for the tickets. Kinda questioning why, but knowing I was supposed to go. So cut to November 8, 2013, I wake up with a really bad sore throat. I felt like I was getting sick, and my knee-jerk reaction was to cancel and stay home because I was in such a habit of isolating. But on second thought, I decided that I'd wait till the afternoon and if my throat was still sore, I'd stay home. And surprisingly, after lunch, I felt completely well and even energized. So I pick up my friend, we're on our way to the show, and she asked me how it was going with my husband because she knew about a few of the problems that we'd had. I responded the way I usually did when people asked, which was something to the effect of, oh yeah, those issues still aren't resolved, but it's okay. Which, for the first time, left a bad taste in my mouth. I quickly chased it with what I did appreciate about our marriage, but this time my heart sank. My positive attitude failed. I wasn't convinced, and I don't think my friend was either. So I changed the subject quickly and excited about the concert, but with low expectations, I walked into the staple center, a committed but discontent married woman. They opened the show with copy of a, which put me in what felt like a bit of a trance. It was like I was tapped into some new frequency or something. But when they blasted the beginning of Terrible Lie and Trent started singing, why are you doing this to me? Am I not living up to what I'm supposed to be? Why am I seething with this animosity? I think you owe me a great big apology. And the whole staples center shouted with the band Terrible Lie. I flashed back to the day I found out about the big lie, the one that slammed me in my face and tore my guts out. All the anger I'd been denying for years began to rise. How could he have done that to me? And how could I have been such a sucker? What did I do to him to deserve all that? And it's never even been resolved. I could see his face, and it was it was as if I finally had the courage to yell at him. So I was getting all worked up over all his lies until Trent suddenly yelled Hey God and blasts of light from the stage split my head open to illuminate the truth. I was the liar. It was me. I was the liar. His lies were blatant, glaring, and undeniable, but mine mine were insidious, hidden under layers of acceptance and gratitude for what was good. Practicing toxic positivity about my marriage was making me sick because it was dishonest. I was lying every time I said I was okay when I wasn't, every time I told myself connection and intimacy just wasn't possible for me, that I could meet my own needs, I didn't need anyone else, and that maybe there was no such thing as true love anyway, and if there was, I wasn't eligible for it. I broke my own heart every time I lied to myself. And if you've never seen the live version of Terrible Lie, whenever Trent and the man shouts, hey God, and Terrible Lie, blinding lights burst from the stage along with the beat to blast the audience with the truth. I don't know what Trent was talking about when he wrote that song, but I was getting my own message loud and clear. When he sang, Hey God, can this world really be as sad as it seems? Terrible lie. I was sad, and I'd been turning away from that reality for years. When he says, Don't take it away from me, I need you to hold on to, and don't take it away from me, I need someone to hold on to. Don't tear it, please don't tear it, please don't tear it, don't tear it. Blast, blast. When that light blasted and he shouted terrible lie, my illusion of denial shattered with every blast of light as they shouted terrible lie. I was the liar. As I took my focus off of him and looked at where I was being dishonest, I appeared, standing in front of myself, staring myself in the face as Trent's saying, There's nothing left for me to hide. I lost my ignorance, security, and pride. I believed your promises, your promises and lies. Terrible lie. I'd been lying to myself. I was the problem. I'd been living in a state of false hope that I had what it took to form a true partnership with another person. I was dishonest because I couldn't handle the truth until now. So I was faced with myself and my truth that it wasn't about him changing, it was about me having the courage to accept the truth. I was moving in a different direction, and my attempts to resolve our issues had failed. This wasn't news to me. I knew our marriage was unsustainable, I just didn't know it would be over this soon. I allowed the sadness to wash over me as the band started to play their new song off hesitation marks called All Time Low. My mind was kind of blown already from the attack of truth during Terrible Eye. I was trying to wrap my head around the shock of the whole experience and enjoy what was becoming one of the best shows I'd ever seen. So I'm catching my breath as they follow with the slow hypnotic groove. I'm finally relaxing into the seductive melody while Lisa Jackson wails in the background. And then Trent Trent suddenly yells, Hey, everything is not okay. What? My eyes almost popped out of my head. That's what I was always saying is that whatever was happening, that it's okay. When really it wasn't. Everything was not okay. And when Trent yelled it in my face, I heard it. Okay, that's it. Everything is not okay. I get it. I'm the liar. And in case I still had any denial running through my thoughts, when they played their next song, Disappointed, and Trent starts with If I were you, I wouldn't trust a single word I say. You think by now you'd realize that nothing's gonna change? He's grasping the mic with both hands, and then suddenly I saw myself as the mic stand, with his hands grasped around my neck, singing into my face, saying, Can I ask you something? What did you expect? So disappointed with what you get, nothing's gonna change, and I'm part of the reason. What? I always was telling myself that something might change. How is he saying all this? Feeling disappointment has been harder for me to admit than feeling complete devastation. I've justified, rationalized, and plain lied to myself to avoid feeling disappointment. Why is disappointment so heavy? I don't really know, but I was facing the truth that yeah, okay, I was disappointed mostly in my inability to speak the truth and live it. And disappointed in my ability to trust myself. It was easy for me to pretend that I was happy when really my heart was barely beating. To admit disappointment felt like death and it was. It was the death of hope that my marriage would somehow survive so that my kids could have both parents at home. That was heavy. They closed out the show with hurt. Tears fell down my face before I even knew I was crying. I was trying to hold it in, but I was completely wrecked. Walking out of the staple center, I knew my marriage was over. And that's the good news. Divorce is always painful, especially for the kids, but I prefer the pain of the truth over the pain of a lie. I believe it's healthier to come from a broken home than to be raised in one. Today, my ex and I are better friends than we were when we were married. I have a genuine respect and deep gratitude for the man he is today. I sincerely appreciate every way he's been able to show up for my kids and me. We are still family. So thank you, 9 inch nails, for being a channel for the truth to hit me almost 10 years ago. And that was just the beginning. Hesitation Marks and all the other 9 Inch Nails albums also inspired and empowered me to keep moving forward in the midst of cataclysmic growing pains. And what emerged is a pilot I wrote that opens at a 9-inch nails concert. I didn't even know I was writing a pilot at the time. In fact, I didn't even know what a pilot was. But the show I'm writing has become the love of my life. And what's crazy is that I actually met Robin Fink at an art show a few years ago. He was so kind. I usually don't approach public figures in public, but I made myself this time. I forced myself to walk over to him and I got to thank him for the way he plays that guitar and that it was a source of creative inspiration for me. He had just sat down to eat his burrito, and he stood up, he walked around the table to me, and gave me a great big hug. He was such a sweet guy. And then what's crazier is that a couple years ago I was standing on the corner about to cross the street, and on the opposite corner the sun was beaming off this dark guy's sunglasses. His bronze face was glowing in the morning sunlight, black hair, leather jacket, standing next to a beautiful woman and kids. I did a double tape, and it was Trent Reznor and his family. The light turned and we approached and passed each other in the crosswalk. I was reminded of how grateful I am to him and his band for being a channel of inspiration and empowerment. I didn't say anything. It was eight thirty on a Friday morning, and he was with his family. It wouldn't have been a respectful time to say thank you. But maybe one day I'll get a chance. Thanks so much for listening until next time.