S2E2: Challenging Fertility Pressure In Senegalese Culture

What happens when love, faith, and family expectations collide at the doorstep of your womb? We open up about the relentless pressure women face to have children right after marriage, why blame so often lands on the bride, and how that pressure strains mental health and marriages. From the prayer chains that start before the wedding to the side‑eye at the one‑year mark, we examine how cultural norms in Senegalese communities shape timelines, raise the stakes of fertility, and silence private grief.

Grounding the conversation is a beloved hadith on trusting God’s decree—an anchor for anyone navigating uncertainty, infertility, or simply a different plan for family life. We talk plainly about what support should look like: fewer interrogations, more compassion; fewer ultimatums, more practical help. Along the way, we share personal stories and reflect on TV plotlines that mirror real pressures—secret IVF to “save” a marriage, a woman choosing sterilization to avoid passing on a hereditary illness, and the myth that children can fix broken bonds. The throughline is autonomy with accountability: honoring religious principles while protecting privacy, dignity, and the day‑to‑day work of building a healthy home.

You’ll leave with language for setting boundaries, clarity on why invasive questions cause harm, and a reminder that a family’s worth isn’t measured by speed or headcount. If you’ve ever been cornered by “When are the kids coming?” or you’re carrying the quiet weight of trying, this conversation offers validation and tools to breathe easier. Listen, share with a friend who needs backup, and if this resonated, subscribe, leave a review, and tell us the best boundary line you’ve used to protect your peace.

Transcript

Framing The Central Question

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Hello everyone and welcome back to the Gemma Ma podcast. I'm your host Isitu and today we're talking about a topic that is near and dear to me and I'm sure to a lot of my listeners as well. The question I want to begin with is why does society pressure women into having kids as soon as they get married? People in general do it, but specifically in our Senegalese culture, the sequence of prayers usually goes a little something like this. Translation, I pray you get a good husband, someone who can take care of you and me. And it's usually a prayer from a mother or a close family member. Now we'll dissect that statement another day because it is loaded. Now you get married and then they say, Translation, may Allah give you blessed children, boys and girls. Final Ma, you're left wondering, wait, do these prayers take into account my desires and life plans? What about what God has destined for my life? And without discounting them, because there's nothing wrong with prayer, I will say the best response is always say I mean and keep it pushing. But the problem comes in a year or two into marriage, and parents in the community at large start asking questions about why you haven't had kids yet. What are you waiting for? Are you infertile? Your husband needs to get another wife. You're cursed. Just a bunch of statements that nobody asked for, and frankly, statements that add pressure to the person you're addressing them to because nine times out of ten, they wanted more than you can even imagine. And not to mention that somehow, someway, the blame is always put on the woman. Now, my favorite hadith, hadith 19, goes a little something like this. Abu Abbas Abdullah bin Abbas said, Our beloved Prophet, peace be upon him, told him, O young man, I shall teach you some words of advice. Be mindful of Allah and Allah will protect you. Be mindful of Allah and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, then ask Allah alone, and if you seek help, then seek help from Allah alone. And know that if the nation were to gather together to benefit you with anything, they would not benefit you except with what Allah has already prescribed for you. And if they were to gather together to harm you with anything, they would not harm you except with what Allah has already prescribed against you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried. What I love about this hadith is that it highlights how our destiny has already been written, and the only way to change it is through prayer and only from Allah. Nobody else has the power to influence your life if you seek refuge in Allah and pray for what you want, while also remembering that what you pray for may not be what you receive, and that's because Allah has the wisdom to know what's best for you. In the context of this conversation, you may pray for a child and it's not what's best for you. So Allah gives you something else that will please you and gives you peace with the fact that you don't have children, as long as you trust Him. Conversely, you may pray not to have kids, and Allah gives you children anyways because that's what you need, even though you may not know it at the time. I personally am a firm believer that Allah doesn't make mistakes. He is the best planner, and the sooner you understand and accept that, the easier your life will be, in my humble opinion. But the topic of today is more about why these are the prayers people pray for you pre- and post-marriage. Why not pray for eternal happiness here and in the hereafter? Why not pray for eternal love? Why not pray for money? Hello? Well, partly because those things are not what's most important in Senegalese society, at least not to our aunties. If you have all of those things and you don't have children, it's like you have nothing. Taking it one step further, if you don't get married, especially as a woman, you are the ultimate failure. And none of this takes into account that some people don't have marriage written as part of their destiny. If you do get married, we're hearing that marriage is not fun and it's not meant to be fun. You need to toughen up, shut up, and birth some children so they can make you happy in 20 years when they grow up, become doctors and engineers, and repay you for all of your troubles. Like, damn, okay. Now I know our moms have such a hard time when we mess up or make mistakes. A lot of our parents see having kids as an investment that needs to have a high return on investment for all their troubles. So a lot of times they helicopter parent and overcorrect to the point where they involve themselves so much in your personal affairs. They have a vision for what your life should look like and they make sure to stay as involved as possible to see it through. And while I can sympathize with wanting grandkids or for your bloodline to continue, it begs the question: what if the couple is battling infertility? What if they're praying for this daily and it just hasn't come? What if they do want children but they're family blaming? And actually, praying for the couple is actually the more mild approach. Some people will just straight up ask you, I'm dumb? Hmm, dumb the defeat translation. What are you waiting for? You know kids can strengthen the marriage, right? I'm telling you, these aunties be out of pocket sometimes. But on a more serious note, this line of questioning is problematic. We really need to learn boundaries in Senegalese society because there's no reason why you should be in someone's womb, marriage, home, or brain. Leave people alone. Don't bring this topic up every chance you get because as much as you're hurting the fellow woman you're asking this to, you're also destabilizing your own son's marriage and happiness. You're adding unnecessary stress to their marriage for your own selfish desires. And yes, I'm talking to the mother-in-laws out there. I truly want everybody to start embodying the spirit of a little bit. Unfortunately, that's the only way you will know peace. They will leave you alone. So when people ask you, I'm gonna go don't belegi, you just respond, I'm gonna go jumpaligi. Ah, can you dedile parak? Why you mum ni degbiligi? So you respond, why you mum yog badan please nig bilagi? Be rude right back, and people will shut up and learn to mind their own business. This is honestly such a sensitive topic, and yes, I'm kidding a little bit about those statements that I just made, but there's no reason for anybody to ask unsolicited questions or make unwelcome comments. I truly have no sympathy for people who receive the same energy back when they're displaying debauchery. And I speak from experience with people asking me when I'm having another child. My daughter is three and I get questions about what I'm waiting for to have another child, and a bunch of unsolicited advice about how it's better to have kids closer in age so I can get it out of the way. I don't think people stop to think about how much goes into raising a child well. If you're only concerned about having the kids and not actually the quality of life you will offer them, then I guess this approach works. But in a country or society where I see so many people having kids and not be able to adequately care for them, up to and including shipping them off to some boarding school at a young age, I can't take their advice seriously. Recently I've been watching this show on Motordi TV called Mad and Monsonge, and it has all the flavors of topics this episode covers. One of the main characters is named Amelie, who isn't able to conceive with her husband within two years of marriage, and she's so desperate that she undergoes IVF secretly. Her mother-in-law already doesn't like her, so her not being able to bring grandkids puts an even bigger target on her back. And I'm left wondering, if you don't like this woman, why do you even want her to have your grandkids? But I digress. The point being, the pressure society put on her and the complicating factors that her husband is in love with another woman, you have to watch the show to understand what I'm talking about. She thinks having a child with him by any means necessary will solidify her place in his life and in his heart. In that situation, I can't blame her for really being desperate, but I can give her a pass for bringing a child into this world that will inevitably have to suffer the consequences of her actions. There's another young lady, the protagonist, who cuts her tubes so that she doesn't have kids in the future because her family suffers from a rare hereditary illness and she doesn't want to pass it on. In our society, that's deemed as catastrophic because who are you to say you don't want kids? Who are you to say that any child you have is guaranteed to have the same illness? And I'm actually gonna do another episode on genetic testing, but for the sake of brevity, I'll just say that our society doesn't leave any room for the possibility that someone may not want to be a parent, no matter the reason. And I know there are religious reasons for that, and I have my own personal thoughts around it, but I will always come back to that hadith. If it's written for you, it'll happen no matter how hard you try not to. Just ask the woman who got pregnant naturally at 59. That's a true story, or the countless woman who got pregnant while on birth control. The moral of the stories, ladies and gentlemen, is to protect your peace and set boundaries. If you're battling infertility, you already have enough on your plate. Don't listen to the negativity people throw your way. And certainly don't let anyone who won't be pregnant delivering and caring for the child tell you when it's time to have them. There's no reason why you should deal with foolishness from others who think they have a role to play in your life. Do you and stay happy.