The Power of Self Love: How De-Centering Romance Changed My Life

Before diving into guest interviews, I want to take you on a personal journey for the very first episode of this podcast. I believe wholeheartedly in starting with "why", and this podcast is no different. In this episode I share the "why" behind the creation of this podcast and my dedication to building a supportive community for women - but to get to my "why" you have to know my story. 

So me join me as I share my  journey of self-discovery, and how I came to embrace the power of self-love and independence. 

Transcript

Welcome to “I Might Die Alone”, the podcast that celebrates women who are defining their lives beyond their relationship status and dives deep into the dichotomy of wanting romantic love but also not letting that absence consume us. So whether you're happily single, actively looking for a partner, or somewhere in between, I’m here to remind you that you are amazing, valuable, and worthy of love and happiness - no matter what your relationship status may be. So join me as we celebrate the power of self-love and independence, I’m your host, Khaylah Epps

Welcome to the very first episode of this podcast, where we’re all about starting with the "why." And while I’m so excited to start sharing the stories of inspiring women with you, in this episode, we're shaking things up a bit - there won't be a guest, because I want to dedicate this episode to my "why." Why did I create this podcast? Why am I putting myself out there? And most importantly, why will I continue to show up for this community we're building? And I truly believe that in order to understand the "why" behind what we do, we have to start with our story. So I present to you, my personal journey and how I got to this place of de-centering romance.

So like all good stories, this story starts in college. College was truly a transformative experience for me, I went to UNC in the picturesque town of Chapel Hill. And if you’ve never been, I highly recommend it. From the pit, to the union, to Rams 5 (if you know you know), UNC’s campus is the backdrop to so many of my fondest memories. It was where I made some of the most incredible friends and learned so much about myself. But it’s also where I started to question the world around me. 

And this will likely not come as a shock, considering the subject matter of this podcast, but I majored in Women and Gender Studies. And it was through my gender studies classes that my world really started to open up. I truly don’t think I would be the person I am today without these classes, and it's not necessarily because of the subject matter, it's because of the way in which these classes challenged me to have nuanced conversations and take an analytic approach to everything around me. I became a better listener, and learned how to ask better questions.

But it was through these classes that I learned about tropes and how women are typically portrayed in the media. I’d have a professor say something so simple like “have you ever noticed that almost every fairytale is centered around a princess or damsel in distress needing a man to rescue her? And then you start to rack your brain and think about all the disney movies you loved growing up, and say huh, wow, you’re right. My mind would be blown for the entirety of class, But then I would go about my day, write my little 10 pg paper about it, and call it a day. 

Because let’s be real, I was 19/20, surrounded by what I thought at the time were the hottest men ever, so like yea, I could recognize these tropes are bad, blah blah, but I was like look I’m in the real world and looking for my happily ever after, I’m looking for “the one”, but college was such a unique time in the fact that not only was it the first time I was noticing I was getting fed these tropes in media, but I was quite literally watching the quest for romantic love unfold and take center stage in front of my very eyes, one by one my peers started to pair up, and by the end of the college some were even engaged. Not me though, not me. And I joke about it now, because I could not IMAGINE myself engaged at 21, but at that time it was really crushing to me that I didn’t even leave college with a boyfriend because at this point in my life it could only mean one thing, that I wasn’t pretty enough. And you simply couldn’t convince 21yr old Khaylah that it was any other reason - so I took it pretty hard and it was more crushing to me than I would like to admit, and I held that belief for many years. At that time my entire self worth was completely wrapped up in whether a man found me desirable or not. Don’t worry, I have since unpacked that in therapy and we can chat about that in future episodes. 

So then I graduate college, move to New York, and I’m convinced this is it. I got my degree, I’m in the big apple, making my way downtown, walking fast, and you know the rest. But spoiler alert, it wasn’t it. And because I lived in New York at this time, I like to use the following analogy to describe this time in my life as it relates to seeking romantic relationships 

So picture this, you're waiting at grand central station, during rush hour (pre-pandemic, mind you) waiting for a train, any train, hoping and praying that with each train that goes by you can somehow fit into at least oneeee subway car. And if you’ve ever lived in New York and had to commute from midtown to any other borough, you knowwww that after a long hard day at work, when all your energy is zapped, coworkers getting on your last nerve, you are willing to do virtually anything to make sure you can squeeze into the upcoming subway by any means possible. You’re crushing your purse against your chest, sucking in, contorting your body, all of these things that are so uncomfortable just so you can finally make it home

And home in this analogy was a romantic relationship, and each subway car was a man. So at that point in my life I would do anything just so I could fit, because this had to be the one, I couldn’t miss it. So I would constantly make myself small, turn a blind eye, and do everything I could in hopes of finally reaching home, my happily ever after. 

And you know, let's call a spade a spade. It was desperation at its finest, but all I wanted to do was be happy. And when you’ve been fed this narrative for so long that this is the golden ticket to happiness, it's extremely hard not to put all your stock in it.

So once I’m done with my desperation era, (thank god!) I take a sharp sharp sharp turn into lonely girl era. And ya know, hindsight is 20/20 so I now know that this was a coping mechanism for me. But during this era of my life I literally said you know what, bump this, forget it, I don’t need anyone. And this mindset was my mental armor, because duhhh nobody could hurt me, because I’m choosing to be alone, I don’t need anyone. 

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that this era didn’t last long because we are human, we need connection, we need love, but it doesn’t need to come from one person - nor should it

So then me and all the little voices in my head come together and are like look sis, you’ve grown out of our desperation era, the hyper independence life is not for you, like what is a girl to dooooo. And I just remember asking God why he was punishing me? Like was it me, am I the drama? Why couldn’t I find anyone, why couldn’t anyone love me the way that I loved them, where was my person? If you’d like a mental picture, picture lots of mental breakdowns, tears, screams, prozac, all of it - you know the vibes. 

But then comes therapy, AMEN. And I put in the work, work through past traumas and really start pouring into myself. Therapy is truly transformative and it's through my therapist where I learned what de-centering romance even was. And for those that don’t know, decentering romance means to not make romantic relationships the be all, end all of life. And my worddddd was this concept revolutionary to me. But make no mistakes about it, this mindset shift isn’t an easy one nor is it linear. 

And to demonstrate the fact that the road to de-centering romance isn’t linear, rightttttt at the time I was starting to drink the “de-centering” kool-aid, girlllll we go on the bachelorrrr, yes, the bachelor, a whole show that has been feeding off of women’s deepest desire to have their happily ever after with a man. *deep sigh* *deep deep sigh* But this is an integral part of my story - because it marks my breaking point

So I was on Bachelor Season 25 with Matt James in 2020, the height of the pandemic. Keep in mind I had neverrrr watched the show before, but during the pandemic I was on a socially distanced hot girl walk with one of my best friends and she goes did you hear, theyre having the first black bachelor and he’s from North Carolina, he went to Wake Forest. And she was like you should apply, so I apply as a test, just to see what would happen - and then to my surprise, I got cast. So when I got the call that I was cast, for all intents and purposes I was no longer was Khaylah Epps, I was Simone Biles because the mental gymnasticssss I was doing in my brain to convince myself all the pain and suffering God had put me through by keeping me single was all leading up to this. I was like OMG, historic season, the first black bachelor, from North Carolina, we have mutuals, he was working in the food space, and I was working in the food space - match made in heaven. God wanted something big for me, I knew it. Like straight up delulu. I blame the pandemic, and by the way I hope you're cringing at this point in the story, because I’m cringing just telling the story. 

But the breaking point for me was when I was in a confessional, sobbing, I mean SOBBING, uncontrollably, snot dripping from my nose over a man that 1. Did not even like black women, like at all 2. That I didn’t even know and 3. Did not even like black women. But the thought of being soooo close to the one thing I’ve desired for so long really did a number on me - despite all the work I had done in therapy. 

So after I got eliminated I said bitch back to therapy we go because we need to get a grip. So that's exactly what I did and like I said before my therapist had mentioned de-centering romance to me before and it had resonated with me but now I knew it was the time to really double down because my mental health depended on it.  

So now here we are, present day, in the “gray era”, the happiest, most fulfilling era of my life. And in this era, you guessed it, we exist in the gray. We leave room for the possibility/desire of romance to enter our life, but we no longer make it the center of our universe. We leave room for the grief and fear of missing out on the family/life you always envisioned for yourself but remain steadfast in our belief that we can create family and community with those around us. We don’t hate men, nor do we oppose marriage - however, we no longer subscribe to the idea that we should be actively seeking romantic relationships with them to validate our worth as women. 

And hear me out, I’m no financial guru, but when I hear my financially savvy friends talk about an investment portfolio, they always stress the importance of having a mix of different assets - diversified so to speak. And this is important because having a mix of investments means there will be less impact if one investment doesn't perform as well as expected and above all else, mixed portfolios lead to better returns.

So though society would like us to believe that having a portfolio composed primarily of romantic love will yield the best returns, I like to think otherwise. I believe wholeheartedly that by focusing on yourself, your passions, and your friendships, you can create a life that is fulfilling and satisfying on your own terms - if that's what you choose. 

So the “grey era” is my why. I want to build community with folks who know it's ok to exist in the middle. It isn’t black and white, and that’s the beauty of it, but also the difficulty of it. This mindset shift isn’t linear, some days I’m stronger than others but that's ok. But I don’t want anyone to feel alone anymore, and that’s why I created this podcast. 

I don't know if this choice is the right one for every person, but adopting this mindset has taken away my anxiety, and in its place, I now have an immense amount of peace, and a life full of love.  

Because I might die alone, but is that so bad?

Thanks for listening to Episode 1 of this podcast, next week we’ll be joined by our very first guest so I hope to chat with you next week. 

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