Digital Fire
A podcast where we have listeners and Redditors write in their worst and best dating stories. We roast, laugh, and give them advice.
Digital Fire
#6 Come Over And Kiss Your Buttery Popcorn Baby
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Caleb and Stefan return for another round of crazy stories. Are dolls in the basement really that scary? When has having buttery soft lips such a problem? Find out now in todays episode Oh?
Send your stories to Digitalfirepodcast@gmail.com
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Welcome back, everybody, to the Digital Fire Podcast. Stefan and I have already caught up with each other, so you're not gonna hear a big long intro today.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you ain't gonna hear nothing.
SPEAKER_04No, actually, we're ending it right now by Shut Up Love You.
SPEAKER_02By Shut Up Love You.
SPEAKER_01We love our audience.
SPEAKER_04Yes, we do. Um so with that being said, I guess right now we're just going to jump in. But you didn't you didn't say your iconic line before that with the with the woo! Oh, yeah, the crackle with the boys.
SPEAKER_01I don't have uh tea to do that.
SPEAKER_04Oh, you're right. Okay, I did. We'll start with number one.
SPEAKER_01Number one.
SPEAKER_04Me and my girlfriend love each other so much. I still live with my parents.
SPEAKER_01Ew.
SPEAKER_04And sh I know gross. Grow up, dude. And she lives on her own in an apartment in East Toledo. We've been so we've done so much together in our lives and spend almost all of our time together. I've been surprising her by showing up unnoticed, and when I knock on her door, it always seems like it takes her forever to get to the door. I know she's friends with the guy that lives on the other side of the complex, and I notice that he has been parking his car closer to her place lately. When she finally answers the door, I can see that the blinds over the sliding door are swaying slightly. Is this reason for concern, or am I just being paranoid?
SPEAKER_01So the blinds are swaying. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04To I'm assuming to the back door. Is that what he said? When she finally see Yeah, the sliding door is swaying slightly, the blinds. It could be the air conditioner. The air conditioner.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, what if it's the air conditioner? Yeah, what if oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_04Not gonna lie, the air conditioner can't actually do that.
SPEAKER_01If it's a hot summer day, yeah, and you just have like the screen door open and then you have the blinds going too, full blast. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, but with everything else that he's mentioning, it sounds like the car getting closer and all that other stuff.
SPEAKER_01It's taking her a minute to get what if she's taking a poop.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, you never know.
SPEAKER_01Every time he's coming there, yeah, like she's just in the middle of dropping a deuce and then just like, oh, sorry, babe, I'll be right there.
SPEAKER_04I bet I bet she sounds like that too.
SPEAKER_01Probably. I hope.
SPEAKER_04Sounds like Stewie from Brian. I you know but okay, what if he's visiting her house three times? Do you think she's taking three poops?
SPEAKER_01Maybe. What if she's lactose intolerant? She just got done chugging a gallon of milk for a YouTube TikTok video or something like that.
SPEAKER_04Or like it could be like one of those subconscious things where it's like, oh, he's here. I gotta let this poop out before I hang out because I don't be farty when he's sitting.
SPEAKER_01There are some girls that are like that. Like they don't like, I mean, I get it, but like at the same time, like I don't either. Like when I was dating women, I'm like, for the at least for when you were dating women, are you dating men now? No, it's not what I meant, but it came out so bad. No, like like with the last girlfriends that I dated, they like I wouldn't poop at their place or anything like that because I was so self-conscious about like the way my poop smelt. Like, I was like, okay, obviously I'm used to what the factory was cooking, but like she's brand new to that.
SPEAKER_04Everybody likes their own brew. Like, but I feel like that's pretty normal. Nobody wants to poop at their significant other's house, especially when you're in the dating phase.
SPEAKER_01Like, yeah, in the first like month or two or something like that. But after month three, if you haven't pooped in front of your spouse or whatever significant other, it's like, okay, come on, what are we doing? There's no trust. Trust the nostril.
SPEAKER_04I don't know how long it's gonna take me to even. Hollow your nose. I don't know how long it's gonna take me to even fart in front of someone when I'm dating them.
SPEAKER_01That's true.
SPEAKER_04Because I just like it's funny when we're with the guys, but like if I'm with a girl and like I fart, it'd be gross. Or if she does, I'd just be like, ugh.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I don't know.
SPEAKER_04I don't I don't know why.
SPEAKER_01Like I don't know why either. It's just like I don't know. I don't know what it is. Like, I guess if like obviously when you're married, I know like there's married couples that do stuff like that. It's like whatever, you're married, you know? You're destined to be. But then there's like where your girlfriend, boyfriend, and like depending on I guess on how long you've been together, then they'll do it. But it's like I don't know, if I'm like three months in, I'm not gonna like rip one, you know? Yeah, rip a pearly and then just all of a sudden.
SPEAKER_04I also don't want to be like the fart couple, right? Where like the pranks are like if I'm sleeping on the sleeping on the couch and she just like farts in my face.
SPEAKER_01Or like you just like let one rip. Bay plate, let it rip. Folks, that was not edited, that was real. Yeah. Oh god. All right. I would say, like, she is she cheating or something like that. You think she is? I think she is, because there'd be no reason why like a car would be getting closer, and then like it's taking her a minute to like like because how it seems like to me, obviously it's taking her a minute to get to the door, and then the blinds are moving, like what he's saying, and then the car is obviously closer, so it's like, yeah, there's sh and how long were they dating for or whatever?
SPEAKER_04Because obviously he lives at his parents, so he's a loser, and then you got her that he doesn't specify how long they've been together, it just says we've done so much together in our lives and spend almost all of our time together. And he also does mention that he surprises her by showing up.
SPEAKER_01He says unnoticed, but I I'm thinking he means like I'm gonna say on the safe side, since there's no time, I would say at least a year they've been dating. Because obviously they've gotten to that point of comfortability that like he can just show up, he could just show up. You like you wouldn't be able to just show up after like two months or three months or even six months for that matter.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, you gotta be like established for a while. Yeah, so and so he's surprising her, which would be weird if which makes sense as to why she's taking Forever to eye into the door if she's cheating, right? Because oh, I wasn't expecting him, you gotta go.
SPEAKER_01Right. I mean, because there'd be times where like the the uh my like my again, like my ex-fiance again, these are just nice examples just to have, but like with her, I think it for me to just show up at her place whenever it was after our sixth month because at that point we were more established with each other, like we knew like obviously, yeah, I'm not leaving anytime soon, she's not leaving anytime soon at the time. Um, so then I could just show up, or she could just show up at my parents' place, like when I live with my parents at the time, yeah. So it was like eh, whatever, you know. But yeah, I would say she cheating, bro. You might want to find yourself a new dame.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I agree.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely.
SPEAKER_04Okay, so we established, we agree.
SPEAKER_01So we're gonna move on to number two, yes. Yes, cool.
SPEAKER_04I recently got engaged to my boyfriend, who is now my fiance. That's what happens. They become your fiance. Yep, yep. Stupid. Two years, yeah. Stefan, you just called a woman stupid.
SPEAKER_01That's gonna lead into an argument later. Yes, it is. The whole Reddit page is gonna blow up. Yeah, they are.
SPEAKER_04Stefan is a misogynist. Oh my gosh. Two years we've been together as a couple, about three months of engagement so far. Is that recently? Because she said I recently got engaged, but they've been engaged for three months. So is that really I mean I really consider recently? It's not that eventually.
SPEAKER_01Like, oh, I recently got engaged. By the way, we've been engaged for like a year now.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Yeah, and and comparatively because they've been together for two years. Right. So they've been engaged for three. So I'd say recently. Most of the time he would always go to my family gatherings for holidays and get togethers. Since we've been engaged, I've been going over to his family's house a lot more and have been told to never go in the basement. It seems every time I go over there, it is mentioned to me not to go down there. Oh they the basement.
SPEAKER_02The basement.
SPEAKER_04They are extremely adamant about me not going down there. And every time I'm down there, I never see anyone go down there. How many times is she gonna say down there? I abided by this rule for such a long time, but there was down there.
SPEAKER_02Actually, every sense down there.
SPEAKER_04She might say it again. But there was an opportunity of time, in parentheses, she says his family went out for the evening. Why was she there by herself? Maybe they're just comfortable two years.
SPEAKER_01I mean, I guess, but at the same time, I don't. It sounds weird. Okay, this maybe this is just me. I don't know. It might just be a heat of the moment kind of thing that I'm just thinking about in this situation, but I would not feel comfortable even if I was engaged. Like to just leave like a fiance over at my place, like or my parents' place, while we went out and did stuff. Unless it was like something like if we were on our way back, maybe from it, and it was gonna take like 20 minutes, half hour. It's like, sure, just make yourself at home for like 20 minutes, half hour, whatever.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, like you you got there before us, yeah, and we're running a little bit late. Yeah, and maybe that's what happened. Because I can't imagine they would just be like, Yeah, we're going out, we're just gonna leave you here. That'd be weird.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_04Well, let's find out how we have to read the story. Unless she wanted to stay. But that's it. And curiosity ended up getting the best of me. Dot dot dot. And I went downstairs, not down there. It was downstairs. Oh, she switched it off. She did. It turns out his family has been collecting weird figurines. I'm talking shelves of them, which by all means is their own freedom. The uncool part is all the shelves are labeled with my fiance's name. Meet meaning if we continue seeing each other, all of these are coming with us. What's the best course of action? Really? You're gonna leave them over. Burn the house immediately. I say start writing her own name on some of the figurines.
SPEAKER_01Imagine if she did and they just come home like later on in the day after everybody like disperses, and they're just like, wait a minute.
SPEAKER_03She went downstairs. She went down there. She went down there.
SPEAKER_01Like, sudden, she went down there.
SPEAKER_03And she put her name on this. Get her. Or get off.
SPEAKER_04Or like she comes back someday and goes back down there, and her name is crossed off, and her fiance's name is put back on it. But nobody ever says anything about it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, they just act like nothing happened. Yeah. Oh, that'd be creepy. That would be super creepy.
SPEAKER_04I like how we just come up with these scenarios. Well, like, okay, here's the thing.
SPEAKER_01Like, they're figurines, sure, but like, what are they?
SPEAKER_04Like she doesn't specify which is annoying.
SPEAKER_01The creepier ones would be like a horses. Yeah. Or like, oh my gosh, what were the ones that like my mom used to collect? Like, they were everywhere at like every Christian store. Precious moments. Precious moments, yeah. Those ones.
SPEAKER_04And then there's willow tree ones.
SPEAKER_01Ooh. Yeah. No, thank you. Now, if they were like care bears or something stupid like that. Yeah, but in the basement, and several shelves of them. It depends on the basement.
SPEAKER_04If it's like it depends on the bear, too. Like, is it the pink one or the orange?
SPEAKER_01What if they were all grumpy bear? Like just a different variation of grumpy bears. But no, if it okay, here's the thing. If it's in a basement, now there's two types of different basements. There's like the one at your parents' house where it's like carpeted and everything else, like that. Looks like normal place. Looks like a normal.
SPEAKER_04If you woke up in the middle of the night, you would think it's a normal floor.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it looks like I would say like a studio apartment in a way. Yeah. And then there's like my mom's old place. Remember Penn Street, the creepy cemented Michigan basement.
SPEAKER_04How could I forget Stefan? Yeah. I don't think I'll ever forget that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Now, if the shelves were down there full of crumpy bear, yeah, no, you bet your butt I'm not like taking any of that and I'm running. What if like she runs up the stairs and they're just waiting for her and they just shut the door? That'd be creepy. Like they're like, you went down there, didn't you? No, please let me up.
SPEAKER_04And then they make her into one of the dolls.
SPEAKER_02Oh, yeah, they're all like his exes or something like that.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that'd be creepy. This got dark.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it did get dark stuff. Oh my gosh. I'm kind of scared to continue reading.
SPEAKER_01But oh, oh, there's more.
SPEAKER_04Or not continue reading, continue discussing. It just keeps getting creepier and creepier with our minds. Oh, yeah, you're right. Our minds have tainted this story.
SPEAKER_01Ted Bundy version of this like thing. So what is so that's it though? Is like she goes, she doesn't know what to do about the bears or whatever she's saying.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, because she says what's what's the best course of action. So she's not necessarily I'm always thinking they're trying to ask, like, should I leave him or not? But she's just saying, What's the best course of action?
SPEAKER_01I mean, she could just use This is what we got to get people to call us. That's true. That'd be kind of cool to get like somebody to call and be like, Oh, yes, my grandson.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, and we like because we could set it up and then we could get their number, we could call them. Yeah. So everybody spread this podcast and let's get people calling us with the crazy stories.
SPEAKER_01That'd be kind of cool. We want to hear you. We want to hear you instead of us.
SPEAKER_04Pretty sure we can do a voice changer too on the phone.
SPEAKER_01We could. If you want to it sound like Darth Vader, we could probably do something like that. I don't know.
SPEAKER_04Well, that'll like that one voice, that's like oh yeah.
SPEAKER_01Like they were standing right there.
SPEAKER_04Let me see if I can get it on you.
SPEAKER_02Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_04Where is it?
SPEAKER_02Please do it.
SPEAKER_04Which one was it? That one. So that's what you would sound like.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Oh my gosh, that took me that like oh my gosh, that caught me off guard. I would okay. Here's my thing. She could be lame and use the excuse of, Oh, well, the door was unlocked and it was kind of open.
SPEAKER_04And then So you're thinking that she should mention the fact that she went down there. Even though she's been told adamantly not to go down there.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I would just well, I don't know. Like, if she I feel like at this point she pretty much knows the house. It's not like it's her first time there, is what it sounds like. And then she's like, Oh, let me explore the house. Like one of the other stories that we've had where they're like, Oh, let's go explore the upstairs room, and then it's like a shrine of like a deer head or something.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I forgot about that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, like it's not like that. Um, but at the same time, it's like, well, you guys, you know, carelessly left the door open, it's unlocked. So if you didn't want me going down there, why didn't you lock it?
SPEAKER_04Yeah, but also she's been told not to go down there.
SPEAKER_01Right. But also at the same time, I guess, like, I don't know. For me, I would just mention it. I'd say screw it. If if I've been engaged to somebody for two years, or at least known somebody for two years and then got engaged like three months later.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, and they're like still trying to hide something, that'd be weird.
SPEAKER_01Like, that is weird because, like, okay, I'm I'm being betrothed at that point to the family. So I feel like if you know, I'm family, I should be able to know some stuff. Maybe not everything, but at the same time, it's like when it's a collection like that, depending on if it's actually valuable or not, or if it's like a creepy porcelain like Annabelle kind of thing, like, yeah, I'm kind of kind of want to know because I don't know if I want to take all that with me. Just like my like I'm I'm being serious. Yeah, no, I get it. I just it's just the honesty.
SPEAKER_04I was like, yeah. Yeah, it was just uh the honesty is what got me.
SPEAKER_01Uh what if she does, what if she did tell them, and then all of a sudden they're like, we need a moment, and then the whole family just huddles in a circle, and they're just like, Yeah, they're just like or like they're all huddled up like this, and like they do the cartoon thing where like the dad overly peeks like that with the side eye, and then that would be I would run at that point.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it would be have you ever seen the movie called Creep?
SPEAKER_01Creep? Yeah, no, what's that?
SPEAKER_04It's hard to describe, but that this reminds me of something like that. Like you try to run and then all of a sudden, like, someone's blocking the door.
SPEAKER_03Where do you think you're going, boy?
SPEAKER_04Where do you think you're going?
SPEAKER_01Um, welcome to the family, son, and just punches him, knocks him out.
SPEAKER_04Well, this is actually a girl.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah, you're right. And we don't hit women here.
SPEAKER_04Uh if I were her, I would go to the fiance one-on-one. Yeah. I know your family told me not to go down there.
SPEAKER_01But I did. But I did. I found your Annabelle collection. Yeah. And Grumpy Bear collection.
SPEAKER_04Grumpy Bear collection.
SPEAKER_01What's all of it about?
SPEAKER_02Because I'm not taking a little bit of a little bit of a little bit.
SPEAKER_04Listen, listen, babe, I'm in. No, I would I would go and and obviously discuss it with him. But then there's always the risk that he like freaks out.
SPEAKER_01If he freaks out and breaks up with her or says, like, okay, I think we need to like settle down on the wedding or like extend it till this date kind of thing. That's a little concerning for some dolls or figures or whatever the GI figurines.
SPEAKER_04Figurines. We're gonna pretend like they're porcelain angel dolls, so we can make this a creepier story.
SPEAKER_01That's true.
SPEAKER_04That's what we'll go with.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Um, because if they were like teddy bears, it'd be less threatening.
SPEAKER_01It would be, but it'd still be like weird that you would have like a whole collection. But then also, too, how big is this collection and how many shelves are there?
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I wish people were a little more specific, but if it's like a why would they think it'd be like there's 12 shelves with 30 each? Like, this isn't like that.
SPEAKER_01That would be insane, first of all. But then it's like if it's just like one shelf with like maybe I don't know, it sounds weird, but like if it's like like a bookshelf, like okay, look at your fridge over there, right? If it's a bookshelf like that size, and there's like four bears on each shelf, there's like four shelves. So you got like what 16 bears? Yeah, that's not a collection. That's like that's nothing. It's like I don't know how I feel about taking those with this. It's like like it's 16.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, but she says there's shelves of them. Shelves.
SPEAKER_01Plural. So two fridge, two fridges.
SPEAKER_04At least it's enough for her to not want them to be taking her taking the figurines with them. But something just popped in my head, what if they're like to decorate the wedding? Oh, but if she's unsettled by them, I feel like she wouldn't want them at the wedding, right?
SPEAKER_01But also, too, isn't it more of I okay? It sounds, I don't know, it's not really sounding weird. It's just maybe the way I'm thinking of it is sounding weird. But it's like, isn't it really kind of up to the bride in a way, too, to mainly like kind of figure out a theme for the wedding? Because I know again with my ex-fiance, like she planned like a rustic barn. She knew we both like country, so I was like, obviously, something country themed, you know, because we we talked about it and stuff like that. But if they do something like that, where it's like a stuffed animal theme or whatever they're doing, or a horror movie, and she's obviously creeped out about it. I'd be like, I wouldn't want it to be on my day of the wedding to just have a random, like you could just see rows of like the chairs where guests would sit of just these figurines.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, they invited nobody, yeah, nobody but the figurines figurine.
SPEAKER_01That would be creepy, like that would be creepy, and it'd be very unsettling too, in regards to like, wow, nobody came to the wedding, but yet all there's G.I.
SPEAKER_02Joe right there, just chilling on the chair.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh. Yeah, I I would I just talk to him one-on-one and be like, dude. What up with this? What's up? What the heck, bro? You call him bro to really like to really impression. Leave an impression. Just like not babe, not hon, just bro.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, what's going on, bro? He'll get he'll get the message.
SPEAKER_01Bro zone him.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, bro zone him. Alright, are we ready to move on to number three?
SPEAKER_05Yay!
SPEAKER_01Ah, Coca-Cola. I had to twist it with the boys this time. Instead of cracking.
SPEAKER_04Twisting one open with the boys. This one's uh got a listener from Montana. My boyfriend and I live in North Montana, and I would like to ask you for your thoughts. We have been here.
SPEAKER_01Hate it.
SPEAKER_04Stefan. I know you didn't even hear.
SPEAKER_01We can't discriminate on this show.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I love it.
SPEAKER_01You love Montana.
SPEAKER_04No, I love uh Hannah Montana.
SPEAKER_00You get the best of both worlds. Is that the theme song?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Chill it out, take it slow. All you'll rock at this show, you get the best of both worlds. Mix it all together, and you know that it's the best of both worlds. And then she goes at the end of it. And then you'd see the little Disney M like, Hey, I'm Miley Saras, and you're watching Disney Channel. Bam, bam, baby.
SPEAKER_05Oh man. I'm old.
SPEAKER_02That's nostalgia right there. One.
SPEAKER_04Oh, I know the wand.
SPEAKER_02Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_04I gotta take a minute to get myself back together. That was good. I thought the theme song was Everybody Has Those Days. No, that was um Nobody's Perfect.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that was just one of the songs that she sang in the episodes. But no, it was best of both worlds because it's like comparing her, Miley Stewart, and then Miley uh or Hannah Montana.
SPEAKER_03Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. It was like one of the Did you know her brother in the show was like in his 30s? He looked like he was like 16, like the same age or a little bit older. Yeah. But he was actually like in his 30s or something like that. It was I wonder what he looks like now. I gotta probably like 60.
SPEAKER_04I don't know. When did Hannah Montana come out?
SPEAKER_01Definitely early 2000s. There's no way it was in the 90s.
SPEAKER_04No, there's no way it was in the 90s, but it was definitely it wasn't like 2010s, was it?
SPEAKER_01Uh no. We're gonna take an information real quick. Hold on.
SPEAKER_04We need this is important stuff right here. It is important stuff. More important than helping these people with their relationship problems.
SPEAKER_01We gotta figure out when Hannah Montana first aired.
SPEAKER_04Yes.
SPEAKER_01Hannah Montana with this wonderful 5G internet connection.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Doo doo doo. 2006. See, I knew it was like early 2000s, kind of. But yeah, uh, 2006 to 2010, starring Miley Cyrus as a teenage girl who lives a double life and an average student, Miley Stewart. Oh, here's the cast. Where's this old dude? Jason Earls as Jackson Stewart. How old is this guy? Oh my gosh, he looks ancient.
SPEAKER_02Let me see. It's loading the picture.
SPEAKER_01He's okay, yeah. He's like 50. He's 48 years old. Yeah, he's I mean, apparently that's what he looks like right now, I guess. Oh yeah, 100%. There ain't no way he's Oh yeah, no, no, no, no. Here he is. Here's here's a better picture right here. Jason Earl talks to us about the man behind the scenes making of the worst man. There you go. That's what he looks like today.
SPEAKER_04Wow, he looks older than 48.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and then I don't know how old or I don't know how old he was then. Because if that was 2006 and he's 48 years old now, maybe he was probably in.
SPEAKER_04Was that JoJo Siwa? No, it wasn't. He would have been 28 when it first aired.
SPEAKER_01So yeah, about 30. Dang. Kind of creepy. Because I guarantee you, Miley Cyrus. Because me, you know what's funny? I found out me and Miley Cyrus are one month apart from each other. So she's actually younger. Or no, I'm younger than her.
SPEAKER_04Well then you can date her.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Oh, wait, no. What it what she's really attractive. No. Cause like I was born October 21st of 92, and she was born November 21st. So would that make me younger or older?
SPEAKER_04Stephanie, that would make you older by month.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god. If it's the same year. Oh yeah, yeah, you're right. Oh my gosh, that's so stupid.
SPEAKER_04If it's the same year, it'd be a year older by month.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So, and then actually I'm I was uh I don't know if I'm still friends with her or not, but like there was this one girl named Sydney. We're only one day apart from each other, so every year we'll like message each other and be like, still a day older than you. Because she's my age, but like she was born on the 22nd.
SPEAKER_04So who do you do that with?
SPEAKER_01Her name was uh Sydney something. I forget her last name, but the last time I ran into her was at the DMV, and we were I was renewing my license, and she was short too. I forgot how short she was.
SPEAKER_00She goes, Oh my god, Stefan?
SPEAKER_01And I was like, Oh my god, Sydney, what's up?
SPEAKER_04I had to censor because Stefan used someone's last name.
SPEAKER_01That was her last name. I think she's married now. Last I remember.
SPEAKER_04Nice doxing somebody. Just take that last name out.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I mean, I didn't mean to.
SPEAKER_04It's just kind of like, whoa, there it goes. I can go through this episode and take it out.
SPEAKER_01All right, but it'll be fine. All right, so we're we're on to the story of what now again.
SPEAKER_04I totally freak out. Number three. Number three. Um, they live in North Montana.
SPEAKER_01That's right. That I hated that statement, right?
SPEAKER_04But let me know your thoughts, and then you hated it. We have been together for a year and a half. He's one of those guys you start to think, how could I get so lucky, you know? He's got his career down and really loves what he does. He's a wildlife conserv conservation. Is that how you say that? Conservation officer here in Glacier National Park. Pretty sure that's not in northern Montana, but whatever. Maybe she thinks that her part of Montana is northern. He takes more care of me than anyone could ever ask for. But he has a very weird quirk about him that has been difficult to overlook. What could it be, Caleb? This one's another. Oh, you didn't do the Vaseline one last week. Andy did that one with me. Oh, but this one says instead of Vaseline or chapstick, he uses our stick of butter and rubs it on his lips.
SPEAKER_02Salted or unsalted?
SPEAKER_04If he's using it for chapstick, I'm guessing it's a little bit more than a little bit.
SPEAKER_02Lando Lake or can't believe it's uh butter.
SPEAKER_04Unsalted. Claiming that it works better, but if you ask me, it's like kissing the Grand Canyon in midsummer.
SPEAKER_01Oh.
SPEAKER_04I'm not kidding. An ant could walk across his lips and get stuck in a crack.
SPEAKER_01That's disgusting.
SPEAKER_04He'll also look at me and say, Come over and kiss your buttery popcorn baby.
SPEAKER_01Divorce. Immediately. The minute you do that, it's like the butter is passable, but the minute you say come kiss your butter, what butter popcorn baby? Butter buttery popcorn. No future. Your bloodline ends now.
SPEAKER_04I kind of want my wife to say that to me.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_04I hope she dresses, I hope she dresses up as a popped colonel and says, Come over and kiss your buttery popcorn baby.
SPEAKER_01You know what's dumb? Women can get away with stupid crap like that.
SPEAKER_00They'd be like, Oh, come kiss your sweet little bunny. But then if I say it, I'm gonna use creep. I'm gonna use that too.
SPEAKER_04I'm gonna put bunny ears on and say it to her. Oh come over and kiss your bunny. See, you're laughing.
SPEAKER_02She's gonna like it. Oh, yeah, sure.
SPEAKER_01Try that on the first date.
SPEAKER_04You wait. But the right person.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, a crazy person. Might as well date them at Pine Rest at this point. That way they'll have a reason to be crazy.
SPEAKER_04I find this unsettling, as you probably would.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Ants crawling on my lips? Because I use butter.
SPEAKER_04Well, he's she's not saying ant is ants are crawling on.
SPEAKER_01Well, yeah, I know, but like she's like, it feels like ants crawling.
SPEAKER_04No, she said an ant could she said an ant could walk across his lips and get stuck in a crack because they're so so chapped.
SPEAKER_01Because the butter is clearly not helping. Well, clearly not.
SPEAKER_04Also, do people use Vaseline for chapped lips? Yeah. Okay.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, they do. They use it. I mean, it's obviously more than one purpose of like breathing, like when you have a cold, like when you rub it on your chest and you're breathing in the stuff or whatever.
SPEAKER_04The VIX. Yeah. I'm not saying I want the coolest boyfriend, but when we go to family gatherings and he puts on his lip butter, my entire family gives me the entire who are you with Vuck? Thanks so much. Should I escape? I would be like if you weren't engaged and married, would you break up with him?
SPEAKER_01Well, here's my first question, right? So he's going to these family gatherings, and then he how does he keep the butter like in the condition to where he can like pull it out of his pocket or something like that, and then just like beating it on his lips without it melting or anything like that? That's the impressive part, right there.
SPEAKER_04I wonder if he has like a chapstick and then removes the chapstick and puts it. Yeah, you never know.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but the butter would still melt in it because it's the heat from like rubbing up against your leg.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, but that happens with chapstick too sometimes. I don't know. Have you ever had that happen with you where it's like if you've got hotter out or you have it in your leg, your pocket too much?
SPEAKER_01Not in the pocket or anything, but I've had it to where I've left like a stick of chapstick in my car.
SPEAKER_04That's the worst. I do that all the time.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and then like at that point, then you open up the cap and it's either melted or it's just like a sludge, like a black like that.
SPEAKER_04One of the worst is I'll forget that it's in my pocket and put it through the wall.
SPEAKER_01Oh yeah. I've had that happen before.
SPEAKER_04And then it comes out of the dryer and like all your clothes just have like weird. Yeah. It sucks, dude. And you can't get it out.
SPEAKER_01I made that mistake actually. So when I was painting my brother's house or helping him paint the house, um, I was wearing my uh Duck Dynasty hoodie, my my favorite one, my comfort like when I was really fat. Still am, but no.
SPEAKER_04You still gotta get one with like Phil's head crossed off.
SPEAKER_02Oh, and that's crazy. I'm just kidding.
SPEAKER_04I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. And then like you could order another one because you know, Cy.
SPEAKER_01That one, uh, you know what's funny? I tried to look up to like to buy another one of those hoodies because that thing has been, I'm not even joking. It was like the first merch that they released when the show was like really popular.
SPEAKER_04When was the show popular? Because it was definitely pre-COVID. It's an old show.
SPEAKER_01It was pre-COVID, but it was definitely before they got really, really famous, like when like the restaurant took over and everything else like that. It just became a reality show.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it's too much now. It was really funny when it first came out.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because it's just like Uncle Cy was like the best character ever. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Eve do you think it was scripted though? No, you don't?
SPEAKER_01I don't actually think it was scripted. It was scripted after they like got the restaurant, and then like because it was just it'd be like the hell's kitchen, like with Gordon Ramsay, where he it was like, Oh, you know, this chicken is raw. Where's the lamb sauce? Like stuff like that. It was basically like those kind of dramas where it's like, oh, we got a bunch of customers and we have one person that called in sick, and then it's like, oh my gosh. And then like Willie would be sitting there and he'd be like, you know, I just can't keep up with the business right now. I'm I'm short staffed. Like it was just dumb at that point.
SPEAKER_04I didn't even know they opened a restaurant, yeah.
SPEAKER_01It was um, I think it was like a restaurant, and then they had behind the store, it was like an actual like duck hunting uh like shop where you could get like duck calls and stuff like that, or whatever they like the little or whatever noise a duck makes. The little like you know like how they have turkey collars and like deer collars and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, it was like that, but for ducks. And um, yeah, that that show at the beginning was really cool. It was it was actually like I think genuine for sure, but then yeah, as soon as they got really into fame, that's when everything became scripted. Unfortunately, oh things must come to an end at that point, and then Hollywood takes over. So it just ruins everything.
SPEAKER_04It does. Because it did start off as a good funny show.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I remember I was really into it too. I was like, oh my gosh, this stuff is funny.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it was. It was funny, it was clean.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. It wasn't like Jersey Shore where you had Snooky.
SPEAKER_03Oh my gosh, I forgot about it was weird.
SPEAKER_04I forgot about Jersey Shore.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and everybody was obsessed with it. I'm like, I don't get it.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I never really got it either. It's like it was just like this dumb, clearly scripted reality show.
SPEAKER_01Same thing with like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, like they're all scripted at the at the end, they don't even get married. But then they like six years, like we went back to The Bachelorette to see how her and her husband are, and it's like somebody new because they're like, Yeah, it didn't really work out, like me that way, blah blah blah. And it's like you find out like they never got married, it was just all scripted.
SPEAKER_00It's like, oh my gosh, true love.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, why am I not surprised?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, at that point.
SPEAKER_04Anyway, what should Home Girl do about her buttery baby?
SPEAKER_01It's a good question. I mean, again, I'm still more put yourself in their shoes.
SPEAKER_04You have a girlfriend, she's she's got butter on her lips, which is bad enough. And then she says, Come over and kiss your buttery popcorn baby. What are you doing? You leaving her? You talking to her about it?
SPEAKER_01I mean, I would talk to her about it.
SPEAKER_04You putting butter on your lips and saying what if it's salted though?
SPEAKER_01Salted and unsalted. She uses unsalted and I use salted.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01No, it ain't happening. My thing is like, how would he not feel his lips being dry? That's my thing. Some people just I don't know, a sensory thing, maybe Well, he he has no feeling, his nerves are done. The butter killed him. Like, you how do you not feel your lips cracking or like they would be bleeding even if you like took your tongue and like you know, like like that?
SPEAKER_04Uh don't you hate it when your lips are chapped and you like it?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and then it hurts, it stings.
SPEAKER_04You lick them and then it just like gets worse, and you can just feel how dry they are.
SPEAKER_01You know what's even worse is when you have a mustache that like it like when you let it grow out, like I have, but not intentionally, like when COVID happened and nothing could like be done other than I couldn't find my clippers or anything. So my mustache would grow and it curls into my lips. Yep, and then your lips become dry because like obviously the hair is covering any kind of moisture, including with drinks.
SPEAKER_04But not to bring this back up again, but Phil Roberts was that their last name? I think Roberts. He would say that when he grew a beard, he never got chapped lips.
SPEAKER_01Maybe I don't know how that works though, because I feel like it would trap moisture, maybe.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, because their beards were huge, obviously.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, they were. So I think Syze or Willie's were like the longest ones. I want a not a beard like that until I'm older, but like I want like a Zach Brown beard.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. I really want to grow my beard out and see how long I can get it to go, but it's once it gets to like the length of that picture that you have as the background, like it looks fine there, but like any longer, and I just look like trash.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and that's when my beard gets all like scruffy and stuff. Like it like I even try to train it to go down or like at a triangle, yeah. And I can get it when it's not full full, but when it's full, it all the hair just goes in different directions, no matter how much beard butter I use, beard butter, beard butter, or like the oil droplets, uh, or whatever. It just it won't. It just it'll stay there for a minute, but the minute I like turn my neck it like and rub it up against something, it's just like gone. It just looks like I woke up out of bed, a bed beard per se. But yeah, uh, I mean, I guess in a way too, it's like I would okay, but go back to the story though about Butterboy.
SPEAKER_04I would talk my advice is girl, get over there and kiss your buttery popcorn baby.
SPEAKER_01But you would say I would be like, bro, we gotta talk. Like, be like, what's up with the butter? What's the lore here? Like, why are you using butter? Is there something like you can't use chapstick? Are you allergic to it or something? Like, is butter your only supplement you can use to like unchap your lips? I guess. I'm definitely gonna have to look up if butter imagine his like lips getting a suntan at the beach because he just sprawls butter on it like it's sunscreen, and then you just see like tan lips.
SPEAKER_02Can your lips get tan?
SPEAKER_01I don't know, maybe. I don't know. Like it's interesting. It's I don't know that that kind of does bring up a good like question. You know what? Actually, don't leave him yet. Bring him to the beach, put butter on his lips, let him sun down. I don't think she's gonna have to worry about that.
SPEAKER_04He'd probably do it himself. That's that theory. Yeah, see if see if he's gonna tan. Wait, does butter tan your skin?
SPEAKER_01I don't know. If anything, he's gonna be a lobster at that point. I don't know. Maybe it would be oh, you know what? It might just cook him alive at that point. Because if you really think about it, like you for cooking ingredients, you use butter for a lot of stuff, just like for it non-stick or just added flavor. So I don't know. Yeah, but it doesn't like I feel it burn his lips, if anything like that. I don't think it would like tan him. I think it would literally just cook his lips. Which is crazy. Definitely would be the Grand Canyon at that point. A lipless man.
SPEAKER_02He's just lipless. Lipless man.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, legaless and lipless now.
SPEAKER_02Legless and lipless. Good lord.
SPEAKER_04All right. I don't think we've got anything more to say on that, do you? I don't know. I do not. All right. Thank you, everybody, for listening. Bye, shut up, love you.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, whoa!
