EP135: You’re Not Failing at Change. You’re Just Driving Your Life on Autopilot

Most women think they’re completely failing at change, and f*cking it up altogether.

They’re not.

They’re just trying to build a new life with an old identity and, in doing so, living on autopilot.

In this episode I’m talking about why reinvention feels so bloody hard… especially when you’re a high-performing woman who’s used to being the one who just gets on with it.

Because the thing is, you can’t mindset your way out of an identity that no longer fits. 

You can’t discipline yourself into becoming someone new.

And you definitely can’t create your next era while running the survival software that built your last one.

Using a simple driving analogy (yes, really), I break down why you feel stuck, why change hasn’t lasted before, and the one thing that actually makes reinvention work.

This isn’t about motivation. This is about who is in the driving seat of your life.

In this episode:

👑 Why change fails when identity stays the same
👑 The hidden autopilot running your decisions
👑 Why capable women feel secretly disconnected
👑 The real starting point of reinvention
👑 How to stop starting over and actually become someone new

If this is you:

You look like you’ve got your shit together. On the outside at least.

But privately?

You feel flat AF.
Restless.
Done with just “coping”.

Just all a bit ‘meh’, and ready for your next identity.

Reinvention isn’t about fixing yourself (spoiler: you’re not broken). It’s about deciding who leads next.

Your question to think about after listening:

Am I trying to change my life… without changing who I am being?

If you do want lessons on changing your life, why not try out the 12-week plan to drive forward your reinvention? This part hype-book, part reset, part loving b*tch slap guided journal is like a crash course in reinvention 😀

Check it out on Amazon here: EDIT Your Life: No BS Reinvention Journal

🔥 DOWNLOAD FREEBIES TO FUEL YOUR REINVENTION

📲 FOLLOW on Instagram and Facebook

🩷

Transcript

Sarah Elizabeth  00:00

Hello, hello, and welcome back to the reinvention era podcast with me. Sarah Elizabeth, aka queen of reinvention and identity strategist, particularly for high performing women going through some kind of life change, because change is really fucking hard, right? I feel like sometimes it's thrust upon us and we don't have much of a choice. Whether it's menopause, unwanted divorce, redundancy, empty nest, those kinds of things. It's really kind of thrust upon us without a choice. But other times it might be that you are actively wanting change, like something like losing weight or making money, or might be finding your purpose or something else. But either way, whether it's wanted or not, change is fucking hard, right? And so many of us try all these different strategies and these different hacks, or we see some ads on Instagram that promises the earth, and then when maybe you don't consistently stick to it, or it doesn't happen as quickly as you like, or the magic pill isn't quite a magic pill. You end up almost like metaphorically beating yourself up, don't you, and then likely give up the reinvention. But actually, the problem isn't you. The issue is more likely that your reinvention strategy just hasn't been part of the change plan or your identity strategy, right? And that's the often vital part that's missing in our reinventions. So today, I just wanted to use an example that might seem completely unrelated to reinvention at first, but bear with, there's the point, because I want to talk about driving, yes, driving, because I've been thinking about this recently, especially while I've been recovering from my arm injury and waiting for Surgery and doing all the strange little adaptations that come with that, like, hopefully, by the time you hear this, I will have had my surgery because I'm I've batched an extra two in advance because I don't know how it's going to be. But I've been thinking about this while I've been, you know, the nine months looking waiting for this point, right? I've made so many bizarre adaptations, but what I found is that when something changes physically in your life, like an injury or an illness or some kind of limitation, you suddenly become really aware of all the things that you normally do absolutely without thinking like shit, like opening jars, like fucking open a jar. Like, it's just so basic, we just do it. And when you can't, it's a lot like coming shopping doing your hair. Oh, my God, doing my hair has been a fucking nightmare. I just can't, can't do one hand. I saw some YouTube. I YouTubed, uh, did a search for doing your hair one handed. And there was a lovely lady who only had the use of one arm, and she was fantastic at it, but when I tried doing it didn't quite work anyway, you know, even putting on a coat and driving back to the driving, of course. But you know, one of the big things actually, about having this fucking arm injury for nine bloody long months, it's a really strange feeling not driving after you've been driving for, well, quite a long time. I passed my test when I was 17, which means I've been driving for actually, I don't even want to do the math. Makes me feel fucking ancient, but I've been driving since I was 17. Yes, hey, decades, right? Decades of driving. So usually, until this point, usually when I get in a car, now I don't even think about it at all. I just get in I just get in turn the key with the other hand. I turn the key I drive. And quite often I'd find myself at my destination and not remember the journey there at all, like I couldn't tell you i. What I've gone past, or what the lights were like, or what the traffic like, which is so dangerous, right? But we just it's so automatic driving. Now, my brain doesn't sit there going mirror, signal manoeuvre like it just happens automatically, right? And that that analogy, because it's made me think about what I can do, what I can't do, and what I used to do without thinking and what I was thinking about it in relation to reinvention I am there is a point to this, honestly, when I first learned to drive. It was absolutely not automatic. It was not unconscious. And you too think back to your first driving lesson, your very first driving lesson, right? And if you drive, you'll remember this. I'm sure it's that time when you sit in the driver's seat for the very first time. You spend your teenage years sitting in the passenger seat, like watching what whoever's driving is doing, and suddenly you're in the fucking driving seat. And it's like and the instructors next to you, and you know, they've got their own set of pedals, which, quite frankly, I found quite reassuring, because actually, suddenly everything feels really fucking serious. There are pedals and there's a steering wheel and there's gears and mirrors and lots of mirrors and indicators and buttons and what, what are all these fucking buttons do and and then other cars. Oh, my God, there's a lot of other cars. And you realise something really, really quickly, that driving is not something you can just magically do overnight, right? You don't just sit in the car, turn the key, head out onto the motorway like you're starring in the next Fast and Furious movie. Do you know what I mean? You learn slowly. You learn that you start off with the theory and the Highway Code and learning what all the signs mean and that you hardly ever actually see. But anyway, there's a lot more signs in the Highway code than you ever actually see. But anyway, you've got to learn what they all mean, right? And you do all of that, and then you get to your first lesson. And that first lesson is usually something like learning what some of the buttons are and how to adjust the mirrors and what you need to be doing, and moving the car like five metres and it's stopping and then move it again, and then stop it again. And the whole time your brain is doing this whole running commentary, isn't it, right? Mirror, signal, manoeuvre, clutch, brake, gear, like everything is super fucking conscious. Do you know what I mean? Everything's deliberate. Everything feels ever so slightly awkward, doesn't it? And if you're anything like me, you probably thought at some point during those early driving lessons, I'm never going to get the hang of this. This feels impossible. There's way too much to think about. How are you supposed to think about this? How do other people do this? All of those thoughts race through your head, well they did for me anyway, but what I found was, and I'm sure you found the saying that over time, something really interesting happens, because you practice, and you could do it over and over and over, you repeat the actions over and over and over, and you build experience and gradually, really gradually, without even really noticing, it all becomes as natural as cleaning your teeth. This is where I think change and reinvention gets so misunderstood, because people seem to think that becoming a different version of yourself should happen. Overnight happens suddenly, like an overnight got a miracle, like confidence should just appear one day, like magic and clarity should arrive fully formed like they think. There should be this one moment where everything suddenly is easy. Click your fingers. It's easy, but that's not how transformation works. There's something else I can't do with my left hands. Click your fingers. So Well, do much better with me, right? Anyway, you know what I mean? It's not how transformation works. Reinvention at an identity level is much, much, much closer to learning to drive. At the beginning, it feels awkward. You're thinking about everything you're hyper aware of.

Sarah Elizabeth  10:00

Decision. You know when you start setting boundaries, or when you start speaking differently or showing up differently, or start making different choices, it feels so conscious and uncomfortable as fuck, almost unnatural, doesn't it? And that's exactly because you are learning a new identity. When you're learning to drive, your instructor would say, would often make you say out loud, don't they like? They go mirror, signal, signal, manoeuvre, manoeuvre, like you repeat it again and again and again and again and again, and it's not because you're stupid, and it's not because you can't drive, and it's not because you can't remember, it's because your brain is building a whole new pathway. It's learning a new sequence that it's never had to do before, and eventually you stop saying it out loud, and you might say in your head for a little while, and eventually, again, you stop even thinking about it consciously. Lately, consciously you don't even think about it, but the behaviour is still happening. You're still checking the mirror, you're still indicating. You're still moving the car, manoeuvring your brain just does it automatically by then, right? And identity change works in exactly the same way. At first you are going to consciously think, Oh God, speak up here. No, say no here. Don't eat that. Don't eat that. Handle this differently. Handle this differently. Handle this differently. Sarah, don't fall into the old pattern. You know, you say it out loud or you say aloud in your head, but over time, those behaviours become natural, and then you don't have to force them anymore. They just become who you are. 

Sarah Elizabeth  12:04

And another kind of interesting point in this link between driving and reinvention is the whole confidence loop. Because if you think about it, you didn't become confident before you drove, did you? You didn't go, oh no, I can't get in the driving seat until I'm confident. I'm a good driver. Now, I can't possibly even start to learn until I'm confident. I'm I'm amazing at it. Like you became confident because you drove. You had lesson after lesson. You made mistakes. Probably stalled the car a few times, took the wrong turn in or misjudged round about. Don't even get me started on the whole reverse parking thing. Hopefully I didn't have to do it by time I did mine. But every single time you did it, your brain gathers evidence like data to show you that you can it's evidence that you can handle it. Confidence isn't something that you wait for. It's not something you're ready for. It's something you build through experience. And exactly the same is true in reinvention. Confidence doesn't appear before the change. Confidence appears because you keep practising the change right. And you know, you know, there's a lot of fear when learning strive isn't there. There's a lot of fear about the unexpected. Something goes wrong. What if it's a busy roundabout? What if? What if I can't pull out? What if I take a wrong turn? What if I stall the car? Oh, my God. What if I stall the car in traffic? What happens if I hit a pothole? All these anxieties about shit, but eventually something completely shifts, and you realise that even if something unexpected happens, you can deal with it, you can navigate it, you can recover from it, because you've got some evidence behind you. And that's when your self trust starts to build because driving really isn't about knowing exactly what's going to happen. It's impossible to that's why accidents air quotes happen. It's an accident. No one intentionally drives into someone else. Well, not normal people anyway. You know, it's about managing those unexpected things. It's about trusting that you can respond to whatever does happen, right? And life works exactly the same way. Reinvention isn't about eliminating uncertainty. It's not about everything being exactly how you. To, you know, know it's know it to be, which kind of brings me back to my arm. Because, you know, like having this surgery has honestly forced me to adapt in ways I did not even expect. Just thought, If this is your first time ever listening to this and you're thinking, Why does she keep going on about her arm? Well, if, if you are listening for the first time, welcome, welcome, welcome. And also, very, very long story short, I had a fight with a pair of havianas at the end of June last year, the flip flops. It was a big fight, and my arm lost with multiple breaks to the humerus, my right humerus, and I'm right handed, which has just recently been operated on and pinned and plated back together. But anyhow, with said broken arm, I've realised that you do learn really fucking quickly. How many things you normally do without thinking? How much is so automatic? So automatic. Suddenly everything becomes conscious again, like that first driving lesson, putting on a coat, carrying a bag, carrying more than one bag. You can't doing your hair, like I said, That was interesting. In cleaning your teeth with your non dominant hand. That's wild. Try it. It's wild. You kind of go, Oh, God, this is weird. Putting on a bra, Jesus, opening things, like I said, and you you find all these almost like strange little workarounds to do things, you know, I've really adjusted and compensated, and after a while that becomes normal, like a new normal, Like you stop questioning it, and just live around the limitation, which is a bizarre experience like now I can't even imagine doing my makeup with my right hand again. Now I like I'm so used to doing it with my left hand. Now, I can't even imagine going back to my heart. I don't think I'll ever put a bra on in the same way again. Now, you know. Now let me tell you as well. This is a good one. You haven't lived until you've mastered opening a bottle of no Secco with your teeth. I'm very, very good at that. Don't tell my dentist. But honestly, seriously, sometimes, sometimes we have to do the same thing in life, like we have to adapt to limitations, don't we, in our relationships, in our jobs, in our careers, in our identities. And we do adjust, and we do compensate, and we do build our lives around something that once constrained the fuck out of us, and after a while, then we stop even questioning it. Like I said, once my arm heals properly after this surgery, it's going to be super interesting, because I'm going to have to relearn certain things completely, like, you know, using the arm normally again, and trusting the movement again, because at first, that's probably going to feel really strange. I'd like, I'm, I'm, don't trust it. I like even driving. Talking of driving, would I even be able to remember what I'm doing? Then my brain has spent nine months, nine fucking months, compensating. But over time, I expect, I hope, normal function will come back, and eventually there's come a time I don't even think about it. I won't even, I won't even think consciously about that time, that funny old time I had a fight with a pair of flip flops. And that's, again, exactly how that identity change works. When you start becoming someone new. It feels deliberate, doesn't it? You're aware of every goddamn step, but eventually that new behaviour becomes completely normal, and that's what's beautiful about the compound effect, because again, nobody becomes a confident driver in one lesson. It happens through

Sarah Elizabeth  19:45

repetition, dozens of lessons, hundreds of miles, 1000s of tiny decisions. And reinvention is exactly the same. It's not one dramatic leap, it's 1000 1000, 1000s of small shifts, a boundary here, a decision there, slightly different response, slightly different choice. Gradually, your identity changes, and that's the real shift, because at some point when you're driving something just clicks, doesn't it, and you realise you're not thinking about it anymore. You're just anymore. You're just doing it. You're talking whilst driving or listening to music, even changing the radio station. You're thinking about other things, like what's for dinner or needing to pick up the prescription, or what colour you want to paint your kitchen. You can totally use your brain for something other than driving, because the skill is integrated, right? And that's what self trust feels like, and what reinvention eventually becomes. It's not a constant effort, it's just a beautiful new way of living. 

Sarah Elizabeth  20:58

So if you're in that really awkward stage right now, like the stage where everything feels conscious, maybe you're having to adapt to some limitations, maybe you're second guessing yourself, or the new behaviours feel really, really unnatural, and you're constantly, constantly thinking about every decision. It really doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It just means you're learning, means you're practising. You're building skill, just like learning to drive. It's awkward at first, uncertain, deliberate, until one day you realise you're just moving through life completely different without even thinking about it, not because you suddenly became someone else overnight. But because you've practised being her and the woman you're becoming, she's just learning to drive. And if you want some extra lessons on driving your own change moving forward, then drop me a message, Sarah at the Queen of reinvention.com. We can structure a programme specifically for you around what you need, whether that's a dedicated VIP day or whether that's online over several weeks, whatever you need. I will lead you through the identity strategies that you need to make this transformation as automatic as driving, so that you can finally use your energy to enjoy the change rather than focus on it. Focus on what you're not doing, and if that's not something that you're ready for. Yet, my new guided journal has just gone on sale on Amazon, right? Any Amazon, amazon.com, Amazon co.uk, all the Amazons, right? It's called edit your life, the no BS reinvention Journal, the No bullshit reinvention journal. Edit your life. It's part reset, part prompts, part loving bitch that and all about a whole 12 week plan to get you driving without all the extra shit, right? It's beautiful. It's so beautiful, if you just need that starting point to help someone guide you on a way, it's a bit like having a driving instructor in an air pod rather than in the car. Do you know what I mean? It's like that. So if you want a bit of that links in the show notes, get yourself over to Amazon. Edit your life. The no BS reinvention journal. It's beautiful, beautiful for 12 weeks. And so that's my love. Is all for me again this week, I will be back in your beautiful bad ass earbuds again next week. So until then, I am sending you so much love. Bye.