EP137 The Ultimate Queen Move: Nobody’s Coming to Save You

This episode is about something that used to really piss me off when people said it to me.

'Take responsibility for your life'

Because when you're hurting like hell, when you've been through trauma, loss, betrayal, burnout or any other big life transitions, the absolute last thing you want to hear is someone telling you to "stop feeling sorry for yourself"

But what I’ve come to understand through my own reinvention journey is that, radical responsibility isn’t at all about blame. It isn’t about shame either. And it definitely isn’t about saying what happened to you was your fault.

It’s about something way more powerful than that.

It’s about deciding that even if it wasn’t your fault… it is still your life.

In this episode I share how I had to stop giving my power away after my divorce, how staying in victimhood was keeping me stuck, and why the biggest turning point in my life wasn’t when circumstances improved; it was when I stopped waiting for someone or something else outside of me to change my life.

Because nobody is coming to save you.

And strangely enough… that’s the best f*cking news you’ll ever hear.

Because it means you can save yourself 👑

In this episode I talk about:

• What radical responsibility really means (and what it doesn’t)
• Why high-performing women often take responsibility for everyone except themselves
• The difference between your inherited self and your survival self
• Why blaming the past keeps you emotionally tied to it
• How taking responsibility gives you your power back
• Why reinvention starts with identity, not behaviour
• The questions that help you start leading yourself again

The most important truth from this episode:

You are NOT responsible for what happened to you. 

But you are responsible for what happens next.

And the moment you take radical responsibility, you stop being the woman life happens to… and become the woman who leads herself.

Reinvention doesn’t begin when life gets easier.

It begins when you decide: I’m leading myself now.

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If this episode resonated, I’d genuinely love to hear from you. Drop me a message and tell me where you’re choosing yourself and taking your power back.

And as always… Crown on, Queen 👑

P.S. If you need some extra help working through this, the 12 week guided journal EDIT Your Life: The No BS Reinvention Journal is available here on Amazon

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🔥 DOWNLOAD FREEBIES TO FUEL YOUR REINVENTION

📲 FOLLOW on Instagram and Facebook

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Transcript

00:00

Hello, hello and welcome, welcome. Welcome to the reinvention era podcast. This is where we work out the next level version of us that is leading our next chapter. Yes, we do. So excited to have you here.

00:21

I

00:21

want to talk today about something that

00:27

used to piss me off.

00:29

If someone said this to me, it

00:35

would piss me off massively. So I don't want to piss you off, but please, please, please bear with me, because this is so important for reinventing ourselves and getting ourselves to that next level version of us,

00:54

and that is basically stopping feeling sorry for yourself, love, said in the nicest possible way, with as much love as possible, stop fucking feeling sorry for yourself.

01:10

Yes, life can be shit. Life lives and life can be shit. Believe me, I know that a lot, I've experienced a lot. I've lost a lot, I've hurt a lot, I've grieved a lot, and old me, the one that would have been pissed off when someone said, stop feeling sorry for your fucking self, was, quite frankly, a victim.

01:37

Old me was that living in victimhood like Poor me. Don't

01:44

they know what I've

01:45

been through, poor me. And I think probably we all know people like that. And unfortunately, I did go through that, particularly after my very messy shitshow of a divorce. I did go through that, and I was kind of continually feeling sorry for myself, and it was almost like this woe is me, kind of attitude, you know. And what I've realised particularly doing this personal development work,

02:20

and particularly as I've gone really deep into the self concept work, and that's kind of my particular area of focus, that self concept work

02:32

is actually by staying in that almost victim mindset, we're just Giving our power away. We're giving our power away to something outside of us,

02:46

something that

02:48

means that we haven't got the control over our own freaking power.

02:54

Does that make sense? Like it might be for you. You might be you might be like I was giving all your power away to the ex. You know, he's a cheating lying bastard. I've lost everything. I hear you. I was there. I hear you, right? It might be that. It might be to your boss. She might be an absolute fucking bitch who hasn't given you the promotion, or hasn't given you this, or doesn't recognise all the hard work you're doing, right? It might be to your mates, you know? It might be that actually, not in a they've done something to you way, but it might be that you're giving your power away to your mates by keep going, Oh, what do you think I should do? I'm hands up. I did that an awful lot. What do you think I should do? What do you think I should say? How do you think I should respond to this continually giving the power away? It's like you expect that some magical version of you is gonna suddenly wake up and be absolutely fine, but in the meantime, it it said, With Love is a loving bitch slap early doors. I recognise this, but that's the point of today's episode. Is that nobody, nobody is coming to save you 

04:24

shit, huh? Nobody's coming to save you. Fucking life.

04:31

And I know it goes against every freaking film in the Disney diet. Well, actually, they've been a bit better lately. But you know those early as I was growing up, everything was, as a woman, you had to be saved by a man, rescued by a man. He was all in this, oh, this, you know, think Cinderella, you know, poor Cinderella rescued by the prince. Like, fuck off. Like, I.

05:00

It goes against all of that, but nobody is actually coming to save us. We're not living in a Disney film here. Okay,

05:10

the moment that my life started to change wasn't when things got easier,

05:16

it was when I stopped waiting for someone else to change my life when I stopped giving my power away,

05:26

you know, and I feel like

05:31

particularly high performing, high achieving women, we are incredible at assuming responsibility for everybody else, whether it's the kids or the teams or the partners or families or work crises or environments, and making sure everything's where we should be and everyone's emotions and everyone's needs and everyone's Chaos and

05:58

but where we struggle

06:01

is responsibility for ourselves.

06:04

We take responsibility for all of that, but not ourselves,

06:10

and that's just because we built this whole identity around being indispensable, around this

06:24

idea that everyone needs us,

06:28

and somewhere along the way, we stopped asking, What do I need? What is it that I need?

06:39

And that's what actually is our superpower? It's a goddamn superpower because we don't need anyone to save us, because we can save ourselves.

06:50

Yes, we can. We can save ourselves.

06:55

And reinvention, any kind of reinvention, whether that's a huge life transition, whether that's the minor change, whatever kind of reinvention it is, it all starts with taking radical responsibility for yourself,

07:12

and it's terrifying

07:14

and also wildly freeing. It is so freeing,

07:22

and this is so important, because it's about it's about not blaming anyone else for the show. Yeah, it was really easy for me to blame the ex, but believe me, I, you know, thrived in blaming the ex.

07:38

It's all his fault. Everything was on him, you know, and it's also not about shaming ourselves for the positions that we've been in, or that that victimhood state that a lot of us have have been in. It's not about blame. It's not about shame. It's about ownership. It's about taking ownership for ourselves and our own identity and our own lives. Ultimately, the identity change,

08:10

to see yourself in that way

08:14

has to come before any sort of behaviour change, before any sort of life change,

08:20

and nobody can do that work for somebody else.

08:25

And I talk about it in the book that I'm writing. Actually, I talk about this, the inherited self and the survival self. The inherited self is that version of you that you were born into this world in a certain place and time in culture, in a neighbourhood, in a family, in in a genetic history, in a socio economic climate, race, the gender, all of that you were born into this right?

08:58

And as a child, you've absorbed everything that you've seen, you've heard it, you've experienced all the beliefs or the behaviours or the patterns of everyone around you,

09:11

and that's created your inherited self, that's You've just learned how to be and who you are, even from your name.

09:21

Even your name is a label of who you are that you've inherited. And

09:27

then what happens in as we get into adulthood, and then shit starts to happen, whether that's because of our childhood or otherwise, we create this survival self, and that's where that side of us comes out there, there's people pleasing, the perfectionist, the overwhelm, the imposter syndrome, all of those kind of identities that we put on ourselves as an adult, as an adult woman particularly,

09:56

is part of our survival self, right?

09:59

And I want to be really clear here, this is not about blame and shame. I've said that already, but really clear, it's not about blaming anyone for your childhood, everyone around you, your parents, your carers, whoever, every single one of them, was doing the best they could with what they had available to them at that time. You know you think about personal development and and caring for our mental health and all of that sort of thing. That's a much more recent thing when, when I was a kid, my mum didn't know anything about mental health or personal development or any of that. She didn't know any of that my dad didn't like think about men's mental health, and how the difference is between men and women that none of that was a thing, if you like, they did what the best they could with what they had. This is not about blame. It's not about shame. It is purely about acknowledging that you have this part of you, this version of you that you've inherited, and this version of you that you have developed to protect yourself in whatever life had thrown at you,

11:12

right? And

11:14

so

11:16

you have these selves, these parts of you, these versions of you, right? And

11:23

equally, as I'm saying, it's not about blaming anyone else. This is another really important thing here. This isn't about blaming you. Either.

11:32

Radical responsibility does not mean that everything was your fault. It doesn't mean that you deserved what happened, or that other people get a free pass or forgiveness. I never quite know where I sit on the whole forgiveness thing. But anyway,

11:49

it's not saying that you caused your own trauma. It doesn't mean that you deserve the betrayal or the trauma or the burnout or being abandoned or being rejected or losing yourself, or any of that absolutely not. It is not saying that

12:06

radical responsibility means it may not be your fault, but it is your life.

12:17

It may not be your fault, but it is your life.

12:23

Let that sink in. Think about that.

12:27

They're two very different conversations.

12:31

No, you are not responsible for what happened to you,

12:35

but you are responsible for what happens next. You are then. That's what radical responsibility is, taking responsibility for what comes next, taking back your power, taking back your control. There's a real big distinction. You kind of experience all sorts of shit, yes,

13:00

but a victim of circumstance, a victim of whatever, does not mean that has to become your permanent identity.

13:10

It doesn't mean that you have to hold on to that and shape the rest of your life accordingly.

13:17

Responsibility is the difference between someone waiting for their life to change, someone waiting for something or someone, or some, somehow life is going to change, versus someone choosing, deciding To change their life. That's the difference,

13:41

making that decision to take back your power and take back the control of your own goddamn life is

13:52

beyond doubt, the game changer.

13:56

It is the game changer.

13:59

There's so many reasons why this is important, but firstly, it is that it gives you your power back without radical responsibility. You're totally at the at the mercy

14:13

of other people's behaviours, of circumstances, of timing, of validation, of apologies that may never come.

14:25

The ex husband in my end, I all sorts of

14:29

shit back in the divorce chapter podcast days, you'll have heard all my story. He never apologised.

14:36

He never, ever, ever said sorry.

14:40

And would it make a difference if he had, quite frankly, no, because it

14:45

wouldn't have changed anything. Would it?

14:48

I can't be at the mercy of waiting for the ex husband to apologise. So that

14:56

kind of being at the mercy of something outside of you.

15:00

Yeah, that makes you power less.

15:04

Taking responsibility makes you powerful.

15:08

Responsibility says that my life is now. It's on my terms. It's on my jurisdiction, babes, and that is so powerful for you as a person. When we talk about that self concept work, when we talk about how we see ourselves

15:26

taking responsibility and control over who, what, where, how it all of it we live our life,

15:37

that is the ultimate power. Move, the ultimate Queen move, I promise you.

15:44

And also this is important, because

15:48

blaming other people, circumstance, etc, just keeps you stuck in the trauma, stuck in that old identity.

16:00

You know, keeping that blame. It's like, oh, they ruined this. They did this. My marriage broke me. What burned me out? I lost myself because of them. All of this, right?

16:11

And

16:12

I've seen people. I've seen people that's happened to I know someone that went through sort of a similar

16:20

marriage breakdown as me and I knew her like 20,30, years on,

16:28

and she never got past it. She could not get past it. She was so bitter and so sad

16:36

because she never got past it. She never took responsibility for making the change herself

16:44

and just stayed in that trauma for the rest of her life.

16:50

She sadly died young, relatively young,

16:55

because she was completely consumed by what had happened to her, and never, ever, ever took the power of making things work for her

17:08

and that responsibility, it's like saying yeah, that happened, yes, that happened. Yes, it was shit. No, it was not my fault.

17:18

And now I decide who I become. I decide who leads me next, because blame keeps you emotionally tied

17:31

to that past identity. Responsibility lets you consciously design the next one,

17:40

and that's where responsibility creates like an agency.

17:46

You can't control what happened. You can't none of us can change the past, but you can control what you tolerate next, what you believe next, what you build next, what you accept next, what you become. Reinvention needs personal agency, and personal agency needs responsibility.

18:12

Honestly, without it, you will just stay in survival mode, in that survival self that I talked about to protect yourself, yes, but it's not making any change for you. It's not really protecting you, because all it's doing is keeping you in a bad place.

18:31

Without responsibility, you just react

18:35

with responsibility. You lead yourself. That's the difference. Reinvention is self leadership,

18:44

and leadership requires ownership,

18:50

and it stops that emotional outsourcing

18:55

so many high performing women that I say and again, I'm not criticising it said with love, because, believe me, I was top of the game in this,

19:08

outsourcing emotions to partners to

19:13

to work, recognition to validation, from friends to

19:21

children success or that what the fuck is about all about the external outcomes, other people's outcomes,

19:31

your emotional stability is your freaking job, no one else's. It's your job.

19:40

So what does it look like to take radical responsibility? Well,

19:45

I think he's kind of firstly, really being honest with yourself, going, actually, do you know what

19:54

like in my case, I stay too long.

19:57

I stay too long.

20:00

We weren't right. I abandoned myself completely in that relationship. There were so many fucking red flags, so many red flags, and I put up with shit that I shouldn't have put up with. I knew something was wrong. I knew it was wrong,

20:16

and that's not shaming myself, that's not blaming myself, it's just being honest with myself.

20:22

So the first kind of act of radical responsibility is being honest with yourself about

20:32

your position and where you are, and kind of going, and it's not going like, Oh, God, I'm such a stupid bitch. It's not it's just going right? I'm honest now, now I know now I can shift my identity to change things.

20:50

That's where reinvention really starts.

20:54

You know what's wrong? You

20:56

haven't prioritised yourself, you haven't taken responsibility. And that's where, when you turn that around, that's when you start really showing your strength and your power, when you start telling yourself the truth,

21:13

don't lie to yourself, responsibility starts where excuses end result. So excuses, which one's going to give you your life that you want? Results

21:26

or excuses? Responsibility starts. Where excuses stop, okay?

21:34

And the second thing you stop waiting for closure.

21:37

I've said, you know, I'd spent way too long looking for some kind of proper closure, and I see so many women doing it kind of almost delaying their next version of them delaying their life, waiting for an apology, waiting for accountability, waiting for Understanding, waiting for an explanation, waiting for

22:00

anything, something

22:04

radical. Responsibility is like.

22:07

Closure is not a direction. It's not a conversation with somebody else. Closure is a decision.

22:16

Oh, I know that things, I know it's things,

22:20

but it is. Closure is a decision.

22:25

Sometimes closure might just sound like I know I deserve better. I know I did, and I'm moving forward now. I'm moving forward anyway. It's a decision. You may never get the apology. I haven't ever got the apology, but I've moved forward anyway. That's the difference. And then it's about taking responsibility for your standards as well, not just what happened, but what you accept now.

22:55

Because what I did, I know, you know, I've openly spoken about this, what I did when my marriage broke down, and I was in that trauma and in that victimhood and that Oh, poor me.

23:05

I just carried that into a succession of boys,

23:11

and I my standards were so low. There wasn't any standards. There was not a standard. If they said yes, it was like, okay, there was no standard, there was no bar. I just

23:25

there was no self worth, no self concept whatsoever.

23:30

But when you start to take responsibility for your standards, everything fucking changes.

23:38

You know, I see now like I love being single. I love love, love being single now fucking hated it now I love it, right?

23:47

And

23:48

I think the difference is now I'm not anti men. I'm not averse to another relationship at some point, if that happens. But the difference is my standards now are so fucking high

24:01

that

24:02

someone's really got a like, make my life significantly better than it already is. It's already a great life. Thank you very much.

24:12

If you're going to come in, you need to make it even better. Like, I'm not lowering my standards again. Like, I call it the Queen, no stat. It's like your internal identity thermostat, your queen, no stat, like if your standards are on the floor,

24:30

you know, that's all I'm saying. Enough. That's all I'm saying. Raising your standards, your boundaries, what you'll accept, the behaviour that you tolerate from other people, boundaries are so important and we don't realise how much we give and stretch those boundaries out of some kind of need for validation, need for acceptance, need for belonging. We talked before about not fitting in boundaries.

25:00

You, it's just so important for that of what we tolerate, how you speak to yourself as well, like where you're putting your energy, all of those things that that kind of about where your standards come in for your identity, your internal code that shapes your decisions, your behaviours, your standards. That's what identity is. That's what it is. So it's not looking at why they behaved badly. It's looking at

25:32

okay, why you tolerated it, not from blame, from empowerment. And then once you've done that, you can raise your standards for your future self, your boundaries give you so much peace and your decisions, then around those boundaries create your next level identity.

25:55

And again, I keep coming back to it, and it sounds like I'm just being repetitive, but it is that responsibility for your healing. Healing is an active process.

26:07

It's like physical rehab, right? Like my arm, right? Okay,

26:14

it's obviously, well, nine months of this broken arm. I'm now three weeks into the two weeks, two weeks, three weeks, three weeks into the post op,

26:29

and

26:30

I've lost a lot of strength. Like my shoulder doesn't move as it used to. I've lost a lot of strength. I'm not allowed to live much more than a cup of tea right now, but

26:42

I can't expect someone else to do my physio exercises for me.

26:49

I can't, like, expect someone else to make my muscles remember what they're supposed to be doing

26:59

that's on me.

27:01

And just like my healing is on me, nobody can regulate my nervous system apart from me, nobody, no. Not one person in the world can regulate my nervous system apart from me.

27:17

Nobody else in the world can build my confidence. No one can build your confidence apart from you. No one can create your next identity, your next level, you your life. You have to take responsibility for that. Yes, support helps. Totally couldn't like my friends, my family, fuck yes, like I love them to pieces, and they have been like my heroes, my therapy, humans.

27:50

But ultimately, I have to do it myself, and I have to stop that. That was the game changer for me. I had to stop abandoning myself.

28:03

And taking responsibility for my self worth, for my self concept, for my identity.

28:11

Because honestly, without that responsibility, you're just staying tied to the past.

28:17

You're just stuck in something that happened a long time ago.

28:26

So it stopped saying, why did this happen to me? Why did this happen to me?

28:33

And start asking, Who do I become? Now?

28:39

That's the identity shift,

28:41

because most people try to change their behaviour, or they set new routines and new habits and get new planners and get a new morning routine and all the rest of it. Reinvention isn't behaviour change, it's identity construction. Is designing the identity that is going to take you to that next level. When your identity shifts, your behaviour will follow. It will naturally follow.

29:10

If you focus on the identity first reinvention. Ask things like, who am I being now?

29:18

Who do I need to become? I what identity would solve this issue?

29:29

Where am I avoiding responsibility? Where am I waiting? Where am I tolerating? Where are my standards on the floor?

29:40

What do I know deep down?

29:44

What decisions Am I putting off?

29:49

Most people spend their entire life going, Oh, how do I fix these problems? No,

29:56

who do you need to be?

29:58

That is the.

30:00

The core question that changes everything your current identity created your current life. So if you want to change your life, you have to change your identity. Reinvention is not fixing yourself. It's creation. It's construction. It's designing the next version of you. And there's all sorts of reasons why people avoid taking radical responsibility. Of course there is, you know, because

30:34

taking responsibility takes away all the excuses. It takes away all that waiting stuff, all that, oh, I'll do this when or when I then I fuck. That responsibility takes loses that. It takes away all those excuses, all those when I would then I all that procrastination, all that delayed decisions, all of that victim identity, which can feel safe. It can feel safe. And you've got a kind of secondary benefit, a secondary gain from staying in that victim identity, because people feel sorry for you, don't they? People, people like you know, give you extra love and attention. So there is a kind of gain in staying in that

31:20

it it's comfortable. Once you've been there,

31:24

it becomes a comfort zone to stay in that. So responsibility takes away all of that and strips you bare and lays you wide fucking open. It takes away that fantasy that they're suddenly going to realise I'm worth it, or that they'll change. Oh, my God. How many of us like sit there waiting for him to fucking change? Life's gonna magically improve.

31:51

Done.

31:54

Responsibility says you move first,

31:59

and that's terrifying. It is

32:03

and and also

32:06

it's where freedom lives.

32:11

Yes, it brings about some uncomfortable truths and courage and action. Yes, it's uncomfortable as fuck,

32:22

because it takes away that illusion that someone else is going to fix it. But honestly, that is the most freeing, most liberating part of it, because responsibility is not a burden. It's not anything like that. It's freedom.

32:40

Because if you're responsible, then it's in your control.

32:46

Reinvention begins the minute you say, This is my life. I'm the common denominator here.

32:54

I'm the author of my own fucking story.

32:59

The moment my life started changing. Wasn't when people treated me better, it wasn't when circumstances improved. It wasn't when I had more money, or when I felt more confident, or any of that. It was when I realised that no one was fucking coming,

33:17

no one was coming,

33:20

and weirdly, you know, actually wasn't depressing. It was the most powerful time of my life when I realised that because if nobody was coming,

33:30

it meant that I could save myself. It meant that I was allowed to lead myself. You're not responsible for what happened you are not but you are responsible for what comes next,

33:46

what you tolerate next, what you accept next, what you become, next, who you become next? And it doesn't need to start with a big, dramatic decision like

34:00

it usually starts with that kind of, almost like internal voice going, do you know what? I'm

34:07

not doing this to myself anymore.

34:10

I'm allowed to want more.

34:15

I'm done waiting.

34:19

And so powerful to say, This is my life. This is my life now. I'm not giving anyone else the pen to my fucking story.

34:29

The moment you take radical responsibility, you stop being the woman that life happens to

34:37

and become the woman who decides who she becomes, to make it work for her,

34:44

nobody is coming to save you, and

34:48

that's the best fucking news you will ever freaking hear,

34:53

because it means you can save yourself,

34:57

and that is where your next era be.

35:00

Gives

35:02

so if this episode hits something in you, instead of

35:08

like thinking, what am I waiting for? Start asking yourself, where am I still waiting? Instead of deciding,

35:16

where am I avoiding responsibility, megs, maybe I'm scared of my own freaking power

35:23

and a lovely one, who is the woman I would become if I fully had my own back? Who would I be if I totally had my own back?

35:36

Reinvention doesn't start when life gets easier. It starts when you decide I'm leading myself now.

35:43

I'm leading myself now.

35:47

So freaking excited for you to do this. I am so excited for you to do this. Please do let me know. Drop me an email. I love it. Love it. Love it. When I get emails from you, had a lovely email last week, the lovely Kim, I love it when I get emails from you, please, please, please, drop me an email. Let me know where you're taking responsibility for yourself, because I promise you,

36:14

it is the game changer. Nobody's coming to save you, but that's so damn powerful because that it becomes your superpower.

36:26

So I'm so excited for you to take responsibility. And I'm sorry if it sounded a bit like a loving bitch that, because that, like I say, used to piss me off when people used to take responsibility for yourself, you're a victim. Oh, fuck me. That pissed me off.

36:41

I know I get it, but please go back, listen, listen and listen and listen as much as you need to, and start thinking about where and how you can lead yourself and become the next level version of you. I'm so excited for you, Queen. I am so excited for you.

37:01

Thank you, as always, for listening. I will be back in your beauts badass earbuds again next week. I'm sending you so much love. Bye.