EP138 The Hidden Cost of Becoming Her

There’s this part of reinvention that no one really tells you about OR prepares you for.

It’s not the breakdown itself that led to the reinvention…. Or even the rebuild that follows.

It’s what happens after…

When your life still looks the same on the outside. But inside, something has shifted so deeply, you can’t unfeel it.

You know the vibe right? You’re sitting in a conversation you used to enjoy… Same people. Same jokes. Same topics.

But now?

It feels flat AF and SO forced. Almost like you’re watching yourself from the outside thinking, “Why does this feel so… small now?”

In this episode, I’m talking about the part of reinvention that makes high-performing, self-aware women question themselves:

“Is it me? Am I becoming too much?”

Because when you start evolving your identity, your standards shift.

And suddenly:

• The chaos you used to tolerate feels exhausting
• The conversations you used to laugh at feel draining
• The roles you used to play feel… tight

And it feels so weird. But it’s purely because you’ve changed.

In the episode, I break down:

• Why reinvention doesn’t just change you; it changes how you fit everywhere else
• The real reason people struggle with your growth (and it’s not what you think)
• The identity “thermostat” effect (or what I call the Queen-o-stat) and how it silently governs your standards
• Why your nervous system starts rejecting things you used to tolerate
• And how to recognise when you’re not “too much”… you’re just in the wrong environment

This is the episode for the woman who looks like she’s got her life together… But feels like she doesn’t quite belong in it anymore.

The one who’s done the work… But now feels disconnected, unsettled, and quietly wondering what the next era actually looks like.

Because this isn’t you failing at reinvention.

This is you outgrowing the version of life that was built for who you used to be.

And that?

That’s where everything changes Queen 👑

P.S.

Here is the link for The EDIT Your Life: No BS Reinvention Journal that is available on Amazon and over 12 weeks, will sort all this sh*t out my love. 

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Transcript

Hola and welcome, welcome. Welcome to the reinvention era, where we shake up identity, reinvention through all manner of life, lifeing, because life can be a little bit shit sometimes. Can't it? Like, let's be honest, like, life life's and it can be a little bit shit, and then we get to the other side of that, we reinvent ourselves, and its the best fucking thing ever, right when we get to the other side, when we've gone through that, almost like physic wormhole, and get to the other side, it's amazing, but sometimes that reinvention can then take a bit of a turn. Just when we've got through all the crap, it takes a bit of a turn again, and then it ends up feeling like we're somehow doing something wrong or something is not right. We haven't remented Right. We've done it wrong or whatever. So this week, we are looking at what happens when you outgrow your environment, when you're just in the wrong room. It's not that you're too much, you're just in the wrong fucking room, because reinvention doesn't just change you, it also changes how you fit everywhere else, and that's the bit nobody really prepares you for, the part of reinvention Nobody warns you about because you've gone through this shitty bit, you've got to the other side, you've reinvented yourself. Things are finally feeling like better, and then things start to feel off, and you can't think what the fuck is going on? Like those conversations that used to really enjoy now just feel a bit crappy and a bit small. And then you start to notice how much people complain and how negative people are, and how much they just end up staying in bitterness. And even you can stop laughing at the things you used to really laugh at, like things you find really funny. Now you kind of go, Is it me? Like, am I becoming too difficult, too serious, too ambitious, too much. And honestly, this is the bit nobody talks about. Everyone talks about becoming more confident and more successful and more you, but nobody talks about what happens when you become someone your old environments don't quite know what to do with anymore, and that's where it starts to get uncomfortable, right? Because that's when people start saying shit like, Who do you think you are? Why are you changing? I prefer to wish you were you used to be fun. You've changed. And the truth is, yeah, you have. So maybe the question actually needs to be, am I just not in the right rooms anymore? You know, because we think reinvention is about adding shit right, like new habits and new confidence and new routines, new goals. But the real shift actually could be argued to be sort of change in the range of identity tolerance, if you like, like, that's when your your system, your nervous system, starts almost rejecting shit that used to part with you know, like, that's when gossip starts to Drain you and the chaos starts exhausting you and playing small, actually starts feeling physically uncomfortable. And actually, it's not that you've suddenly become high maintenance or something. You've just stopped being low self respect.

Sarah Elizabeth  04:17

I've talked before about the thermostat concept, right? Or what I call the Queen o stat, it's like your internal identity standards. So you think about like a thermostat in a room. You set it at 20 degrees, say, and then you open the window and let all the cold air in. So the thermostat at set at 20 degrees will kick in. Because it's below 20 degrees, it kick in and put the heating on, right? And as soon as it gets to 20 degrees, it switches the heating off so that it maintains that temperature at 20 degrees like, that's almost like the bar, right? And we have the same for our identity, that. That's our internal identity standard. That's that internal identity thermostat, the queen o stat. And what happens in the invention is that your bar, your degrees as such, is raising, but your environment isn't. So you're changing faster than your environment is updating. So you've updated your thinking and your standards and your behaviour and your identity and your patterns, but everything and everyone around you still relates to your old identity, the old you, the old patterns. So like family will still treat you like you're the sensible one, or you're the good girl, or you're the one that deals with all the shit for them. You know, Friends will still expect the old version of you, the one that they knew before, like your work will have rewarded the version of you that overworked and over committed and over delivered, but not the new you with boundaries. No, the ex partner is still negotiating interacting with the survival. You, the survival self version of you, rather than the queen, you, the sovereign self version of you. And the big issue with all of that, and the reason that all of that is happening is that people relate to the version of you do they feel safest with, not always the one you're becoming, but the one they feel safest with. It's safer and easier for them when you say the same, right? So when you outgrow certain people and places, it can end up feeling like somehow it's you that's in the wrong and that's hard, right? You know, I talked a couple of weeks back on an episode about this intrinsic need to fit in, because belonging is biological. It's a it's a biological need. So your brain is literally screaming at you, if I grow, will I still belong? If I change and evolve, will all my people come along too? And then what happens is that these fears can really end up then showing up when this growth is happening. And you start raising that standard, you start raising your queen as that. And then you think, Oh God, will they still accept me? It's that fear of rejection, or that fear of visibility, if I step up, I'm gonna get seen more, or that fear of separation from from not belonging. What if I don't fit in anymore? And then these fears really kind of hold you back. And it's not even necessarily that you fear failure, but maybe there's something in you that fears becoming someone that your old life can't hold on to. You know, but I want you to think of it like this, right? Imagine a plant that has outgrown its pot. It started off as this lovely little plant, and it's got bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger, and it's outgrown its pot.

Sarah Elizabeth  08:39

And at first, nothing really looks wrong. It just looks like it's getting a bit bigger. From the outside it still looks fine. You know, it's still functioning. It's still alive. You haven't killed it yet. But underneath, the roots are just getting more and more cramped, and the growth has actually slowed down, because it's got nowhere else to grow. And then the leaves start struggling a little bit and start shrivelling up and going a little bit brown. And it's not because the plant itself is failing. It's because the container it's in, the pot it's in, is now just too small. And what most people do at this point is not upgrade the pot. They try and manage the plant. So they'll trim it and try and control it make it more manageable. And I see women doing this to themselves all the frickin time instead of asking, Is this environment big enough for who I'm becoming? We ask, How do I make myself easier to accommodate? And that that in itself, keeps us stuck for fucking years? And I get it. I get it because otherwise it feels so damn scary, right, like you're out in the wilderness. On your own. So perhaps it ends up feeling like you're the one that's too loud, too vocal. Now you're too ambitious, you're too intense. Could it be you that might be too much, after all, or could it be that you might just be in a room that is built for a smaller version of you for a past version of you. You know, think about if you put a racehorse in a zoo, it probably look kind of cute, I guess, in a zoo, but put a racehorse on the track, and she looks powerful as hell, and it's the same. You put a woman with big ideas in a small thinking environment, she looks intimidating and driven and oh, she's a threat. But put that same woman with those big ideas with other visionaries, she looks normal as fuck. Sometimes it's not that you're too much, it's that you're just surrounded by people that are committed to less. You know, there's that saying, but you become like the five people that you spend the most time with. So if you are spending your time with five people that will like the past version of you, you're going to stay like them. But if you spend your time with five people who are like the version of you, you're becoming, guess what? It normalises. But then, as you outgrow the people that have been in your life a long time, those five people that used to spend all your time with outgrowing those environments, can feel like a massive loss. I'm not, you know, denying that it's not, it feels like a massive loss, and it's not because anyone did anything wrong. It's purely because, like, the alignment changed, and that's when you get those conversations that don't fit anymore, or those humour that doesn't quite land anymore, and missions you can't share, you can't talk about your big dreams, because they don't get it. And that's when there's that kind of almost mismatch in that emotional depth you know, I found this when I stopped drinking alcohol. For those that have listened to past episodes, I've talked about it a couple of times. I didn't intend to stop drinking. I was, you know, there were people in my life that my relationship with them, my relationship with them, but almost like it centred around, you know, drinking like, you know, we'd have a bottle of wine together, or a full of Prosecco together, or we'd go to a bottomless brunch together. Or, do you know what I mean, it was like, there was the thing that connected us, almost was drinking. And then, actually, I did dry January, in January 23 after a bit of a year when I was 50, in 22 and,

Sarah Elizabeth  13:18

yeah, I just ended up, I've not drunk since, it's like, well over 1000 days now that I've not drunk alcohol and I can't go. Who even is she? Because, like, you know, I was the girl that would never say no to another Malbec, you know, and now I'm not. So sometimes those relationships that were built around going to the pub or going out for bottle of wine or whatever, they're not quite the same anymore, you know. And it's also where I've been through my own reinvention journey. I find that sometimes people that I used to really enjoy catch up with and I used to feel quite energised for my catch up with them now, can leave me feeling quite trained, rather than that energised, you know. And when your energy, you can feel it, it's off. And it's not because they've done anything wrong, and it's not because you've done anything wrong, and that's the thing. It can feel really fucking lonely before it feels expensive, because you're losing people, you know, and the mistake I see people make here is that they'll shrink back like the plant pot example. They'll self edit, they'll tone themselves down, they'll go back to being acceptable and keeping themselves in that smaller fucking pot because it feels safer, and it's almost like identity backtracking, you know, because most people don't screw up at reinvention, because they can't grow, they don't get to where they really want to be, because they keep returning to those environments that reward who they used to be. But this is where that self leadership comes in. To keep raising that standard on the queen as that right? This is where you move into power instead of victimhood. It's not, they don't get me, but I am responsible for where I place myself. I'm responsible for that comes back to that radical responsibility again. I'm responsible for where I put myself, you know. So there's, there's three kind of Queen moves that I think about for this right number one, stop asking the small rooms for big understanding they don't get it. They're never going to get it. Yes, you are the one that's changed. They haven't. They don't understand it. It feels scary to them. They don't understand to stop asking them, stop asking them, to try and understand. Secondly, upgrade your conversations before you upgrade everything else. And then you've got the people. Remember those five people that you spend the most time with. If you want to be with the five people that you're becoming, you've got to upgrade those conversations. First, be her now, and that's the third queen move. Start putting yourself where your future self makes sense. Your Future. You that's who you're becoming. Be her now, you don't be her later. You don't be confident first, you become placed in the right place first. So it's really important to look at this from the outside in, so that when you get to it, you can kind of reframe those fears, you know, like, instead of, I don't fit in anymore, it's shifting your thinking to I'm growing. I'm expanding beyond where I was built. And the hardest part, I genuinely think the hardest part of outgrowing environments like this isn't usually the job or the routines, it is the people, and it is specifically that moment that you realise I either change the relationship or I charge myself back. I do genuinely think this is one of the hardest parts of reinvention, not actually becoming someone new, but then, like the drinking example, realising that some relationships only worked because of who you used to be, and that lands really fucking hard in it. And it's not about blame, it's just about fear. Some friendships were built on shared survival or shared complaining or shared people pleasing or shared drinking or shared burnout or shared history rather than shared direction, shared past, rather than shared future. And when you change, the glue that holds you together, kind of changes and all like some friendships just weren't built on who you're becoming. They were built on who you were coping as

Sarah Elizabeth  18:15

I feel like there were a three potential friendship paths in reinvention, right? Like when you grow, friendships usually go one of three ways. Usually one of these ways, right? Firstly, they'll grow with you, these fucking gold ones, right? They might not fully understand your reinvention. Might not get it, but they respect it. They don't feel threatened by it. They don't minimise it. They don't take the piss out of it and joke it away. They let you evolve. And these friends, let me tell you, are freaking amazing, and it all does actually show and highlight that real friends don't need you to stay the same, to stay close, so that's the first time they grow with you a fucking love them once. The second type of friendship is that they'll stay but differently, right? It's almost like a boundaries pathway, right? And that's why some maturity might need to come in, because not every friendship does need to end. Some just need to redefine it, like you might just need to stop being their emotional dumping ground and stop over explaining yourself, or stop rescuing them. That's a that's a big one. Rescuers do like to rescue people, don't we stop rescuing or you might see them less but more intentionally. You put times and barriers around it, whatever. You just stop shrinking to keep the peace and keep the relationship. It's almost like I. Yeah, these are like boundaried friendships instead of the default friendships, you know. And that's okay as well, because some people might stay in your life. They might need to stay in your life for whatever reason. But that doesn't mean to say they get the same access anymore. You know. See, a bit like reinvention. Sometimes might mean changing the seating plan, but not burning the whole fucking table. But the third friendship pathway that I see happening in reinvention is that some friendships do need to end. You do need to burn the table. And this is the bit that people avoid saying about and talking about, because they feel guilt, you know, and but it really isn't because anyone's bad. It's purely because whatever alignment that joins you together is gone. So that is when you tend to feel like super fucking drained after you've seen them, or you just can't share what excites you anymore, like they just don't get it, or you feel judged by them. That's a horrible one. When you feel so bloody judged by them, it's horrible. And you feel like you almost need to, almost, like, perform as old you, as your old self, like you have to hide who you are now. Or a massive sign, right? Huge sign. You feel relief when the plans with them get cancelled. Oh, my God, when that, when that relief is such a huge sign. But you know what the truth is? Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself is admit a friendship belonged to a previous chapter. And you know what Friendship Breakups, they hit damn hard, don't they? Because we don't have rituals for them, do we? No one brings you ice cream after a friendship breakup, no one checks in and says you're okay. But in reality, actually, Friendship Breakups can hurt just as much as romantic ones, and Friendship Breakups that come from reinvention are sort of weird, because sometimes there's no official ending. It's just more this slow realisation that you don't quite work the same together anymore. And like I say, nobody did anything wrong? You just stopped being the same people. And that's when we end up feeling this guilt. Can't We? We go, oh God, am I selfish? Am I bantering them? Am I becoming arrogant? Should I just be grateful, almost like growth guilt. But you know what, I think outgrowing dynamics isn't betrayal. But pretending that you haven't outgrown them is self betrayal, and that's where we come back to that self leadership. Reinvention is not about becoming ruthless, it's just about becoming honest. It's not that I'm better than them, it's I'm just different now. And maybe, you know, some people are chat to friends. Some are lifetime friends, and the wisdom is now in the fucking difference. You know that saying friends are in your life for a reason a season or forever, you know,

Sarah Elizabeth  23:16

but this is where we bring it back to thinking about which rooms you are in right now. You know, sometimes you don't need to leave every room, sometimes you just need to stop living in all of them. And this isn't about abandoning people. It's about no longer abandoning yourself to keep them comfortable. And that's what it comes down to in my view, you're not too much. There's nothing wrong with you. You're not difficult, you're not dramatic, you're not unrealistic. You've just stopped negotiating with a life that you've outgrown that was too small for you. You're just becoming someone your old life wasn't designed for, and that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or that you need to burn everything down. It just means you need to stop squeezing yourself into spaces that need you to be smaller than you actually are now. And maybe the real queen move isn't becoming smaller to fit the room, it's having the courage to find bigger rooms. Find that bigger box reinvention isn't becoming someone completely new. It's just becoming someone that your old life no longer makes sense for and that's okay. That's okay. Now if you want to work through all of this and use the Edit Code to keep the reinvention real and honest and keep yourself accountable to that self leadership. Do check out the edit your life, no bullshit reinvention journal available on Amazon. It's 12 weeks of a few minutes a day, and it just will help you work through where you might still be playing small or who. Might unwittingly be keeping you small to protect themselves. It's all available on Amazon. There's a hardback version a paperback version. Do check it out, because honestly, having that thought process about being in the right room makes such a difference. This week, I've been at an events called Business mastery, live one by the wonderful Matt Hall. Next week, I'm at an event called the edge with Kay Souter and Gina trick. Old me would never have done that. Never have done that. I'd have never gone to all these events on my own. I go to events all the freaking time now, like I go all the time. Old me would not have done that, but I knew that I wanted growth, so I had to get myself a bigger pot, but myself in the bigger rooms or a bigger Palace queen, you know. So do have a think about it, and I do hope that's helped on your reinvention experience, because it's good to know that where the pitfalls might be as well as you go along your journey, but it's fucking worth it, let me tell you. So thank you, as always, for listening and for being here. I will be back in your beaut badass earbuds again next week for more on our queen reinvention. Until then, I'm sending you so much love. Bye.