What Men Wish They Could Say Out Loud | Dr. Brian Paris on Burnout & Emotion

"We're not human doings. We're human beings."

Most of us have heard a line like that. Dr. Brian Paris actually lived the cost of forgetting it.

This week Isabel does something a little different on the show. She usually talks about women, healing, and burnout, but this conversation zones in on something we rarely make room for: how men are really doing underneath all the achievement.

Dr. Brian Paris built a multi-million dollar healthcare company, a five thousand square foot facility, fifteen employees, the whole picture of success. He was also, in his own words, very good at looking good. Behind it was burnout, addiction, a divorce, and a marriage where he and his wife would lie back to back at night hiding their phones from each other. He calls it being the fish in the bowl, so deep in the water that he didn't know there was another way to live.

When his chiropractic career ended, he went looking for everything he had missed and landed deep in neuroscience, emotional intelligence, and nervous system regulation. Now he coaches executives, entrepreneurs, and especially men on how to actually feel what they feel and still lead.

A few of the things they get into:

• Why so many of us are good at looking good while it's messy under the carpet
• Achievement versus fulfillment, and why you don't have to pick one
• The "I am" trap, and how our words cast spells on other people and on ourselves
• The neuroscience of emotions, and why shame is the one we most often overlook
• Why men need support, not solutions, and how that plays out at home
• Survival mode versus actually living, and how to tell which one you're in
• What Google's Project Aristotle found is the number one ingredient of a great team
• The simple morning practice Brian swears by before he ever touches his phone

There is also a moment that ties the whole thing together. The same gut feeling Isabel taught her daughter to trust, that little signal that something is off, turns out to be the exact loud whisper this show is named after.

"Name it to tame it."

Loud Whisper: Reignite Your Voice is a podcast for anyone who is tired of performing and ready to come home to themselves. Hosted by Isabel Draughon: coach, speaker, and author.

Connect with Dr. Brian Paris:

Website: https://drbrianparis.com

Instagram: @drbrianparis

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drbrianparis/ 

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The Loud Whisper Podcast: The Healing Space is your health and wellness podcast  the place where you can pause, breathe, and heal. Here, we explore conversations that nourish the mind, body, and soul, guiding you back to balance, clarity, and truth.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome to the Loud Whisper, Reignite Your Voice Podcast. This is your healing space, providing you with hope and inspiration as you become more connected to yourself. Connected to yourself, your safe vessel, helping you move to a higher consciousness to reignite your voice and discover who you are destined to be really inside you. I am Isabel Drawn, your host. I am also an author, entrepreneur, and a life transformation and spiritual coach. Most importantly, I am a perpetual student of life, just like you. So let's explore together. Welcome to the Loud Whisper Reunite Your Voice Podcast. This is your healing space, and I am your host, Isabel Tron. Thank you so much for being here today. Um, you could be listening to any podcast, but you decided to join us today, and I really appreciate that. As always, my guests um are amazing, and today I have an amazing guest who I'm excited to talk to, and I'll tell you why, guys. His name is Dr. Brian Perris. I'll bring him in here to introduce himself. I talk a lot about women's stuff. I talk about um, you know, the healing, the burnout, and the addiction and all that stuff. I talk about everything humanity, but I never zone in on how men are truly feeling. So he's gonna tell us, I'll tell you his bio. That's not only the thing that he focuses on, he does a lot. So we're just gonna dive deep and have real honest conversation. I hope this resonates with you. I hope you can get a thing or two that will allow you to just even move your life, just a step, a step forward, or just to make you feel better or for you to gain a tool today. But like I always say, all human beings, we need permission. So my prayer today is that Dr. Brian and I um authentically give you permission to do what it is that you need to do with your life. So, welcome, welcome, Dr. Brian.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

Thank you for that beautiful intro. Super excited to dive in.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

I am so excited to dive in, but before we dive in, let me tell you about this brilliant human being that's in front of me today. So, today's guest is Dr. Brian Harris, the speaker, executive coach, former chiropractor, and healthcare entrepreneur who helps high achieving performers to achieve success without sacrificing the health of their relationships or themselves in the process. And after building a multi-million dollar healthcare organization, Dr. Bryan experienced firsthand, like most of us do, right? The hidden costs of achievement, including burnout, addiction, divorce, and chronic stress. Those experiences led him on a deep journey into neuroscience, emotional intelligence, nervous system regulation, and what it means to thrive. So today he works with executives, executives, entrepreneurs, healthcare professionals, and leadership teams, helping them build resilience, strength, the strength, strengthen their leadership, excuse me, and create sustainable success from the inside out. That's my type of language, guys. So I am excited today to have him on the Loud Whistle Podcast because we're going to explore the difference between achieving success, losing yourself in the process, and what it takes to come back to who you really are. Please help me welcome Dr. Brian Paris. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 3:48

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

SPEAKER_00 3:51

Okay, Brian, Dr. Brian, on paper, you have built what many people would call a successful life. Yeah. So looking back now, what were the signs that you were disconnected from yourself even while everything appeared successful?

SPEAKER_01 4:10

Great question. I I I feel like my entire life I've been good at looking good. So I've I've shown up at uh you know personal development seminars, and people on my left and on my right are saying, like, what are you doing here? And I'm like, Well, it looks good on the outside, but it's it's it's messy when you pick up the carpet underneath. So um the the signs that I had were things I could not pay attention to because first of all, I was living off a framework that wasn't authentically me. Like I was I've always been in there, but I was living whether it's society story or family story, and I'm living somebody else's life. So there were signs now that I can look back, and they were very overt, but not because I was the fish in the bowl.

SPEAKER_03 4:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:57

And I didn't know that I would could get out of the water and live an entirely different life. But things like indiscretion, disconnection from my wife as far as in the personal, my wife at the time, uh, as far as the personal thing. And um, you know, when I think about business driving up to my my brick and mortar business and wanting to just keep going and and leave it all, like someone would ask for vacation time and I would take it personally. Like, how could you take vacation and I'm not taking vacation? You know, and so those those were like they're very in my face now. But, you know, when I was the fish in the bowl, uh, I didn't realize that that's what the water was was telling me. Um, you know, some other signs were just dangerous behaviors, things that were dangerous to myself and my family, addictive behaviors, um, you know, and and uh just being shut down and frozen overall, and realizing that I wasn't living into what made me feel alive.

SPEAKER_00 5:59

I love everything that you said. The reason why I do is because that's a lot of us high achievers, high performers. That's a lot of us entrepreneurs, right? We we act like what you were saying from the inside. I just did a podcast, that mask that we all wear, you know, the performance. Yeah. And um it's so powerful for it's so powerful to me because you you sit here and you talk about it, and I feel like a lot of entrepreneurs and high achievers need to hear this because this is tied to their health, it is tied to their wellness. What happened that made you say something has to change? Because normally something happens, you are you either get sick and tired of being sick and tired, like I was, or something drastic happens and you're like, something has to change. What happened for you to start looking at yourself, your business, your family, and the divorce and everything that you went through?

SPEAKER_01 6:56

Well, it it's it's challenging because it's hard to pinpoint an exact moment. And let me let me bring this back just real quick before I answer that question, because I think all of us entrepreneurs and business people, you know, we we're so good at the tactics and strategical things that take us to get to or and master the science of achievement. And I and I've been equating that to like Newtonian physics, right? Like the same physics that got us to space are the same things that can help us achieve, right? Like creating money and um, you know, success and the and the and the identities and the things. But the art of fulfillment is that's more quantum. And and I'm not a quantum physicist, but the longer I'm on this planet, the more I'm realizing that not thinking myself into these concepts, but being these concepts of abundance, connection, collaboration versus like competition and um ego and things like that. It's hard to say like what was the exact moment. There were there were many moments. Like I can remember laying in bed next to my former wife, and like we're back to back hiding our phones from each other. Like, what the hell are you hiding? Like it wasn't, we were hiding from ourselves. We were not, we were not, we were like hiding, you know, things we shouldn't be doing in a relationship to make a relationship thrive. And it just, you know, we did the best we could with the tools we had at that time. Uh, but the signs in business were simply like I've I've I've got a 5,000 square foot facility, 15 employees, you know, revenue, significant revenue in the millions, and just the costs just keep rising and rising and rising, and and not being able to take a step back and say, okay, let's systematize this so that I can scale it. And I've learned now, just being involved in in you know, corporate businesses and corporate America after my chiropractic practice and seeing what scaling really looks like. Uh, so the signs were things like, you know, where where I'm driving the system where the systems don't drive themselves. And that that's really what scaling is about. And uh I I know it wasn't a scale question, it was more so like what are the what are the actual things that happened?

SPEAKER_00 9:17

No, what she said actually makes sense. There's certain several things that she said that resonated with me. I talk about this all the time. The first thing that you talked about was their achievement, the achieving and the achieving, right? And we get away from being, we become doers. And we live in a society that gives validation. The more I do, the let me keep going, let me keep going. If you notice, people don't even really celebrate themselves anymore. Somebody wants to get into a goal, they reach that goal, they're like, Okay, great. Yeah, they'll probably have a party for a day, and then keep moving because we have flat. Yeah, you go flat. And because we've been conditioned with this society that I personally feel that the society is telling us a story that your humanity is validated by your output. Yes. And that's why there's a lot of stress, there's a lot of depression. One of the reasons why because people you mentioned competition, people are always feeling as though they have a competition. People are not feeling like they're good enough, right? So then what happens is we start operating outside of ourselves, trying to achieve those goals, trying to get to that space. But at the end of the day, the thing that suffers the most, as you had mentioned, is your being. And I love the fact I love talking to people who have had it and lost it, because we can get all the degrees in the world, but the best teacher of life is life itself. So experience, right?

SPEAKER_01 10:41

And and I and I've so like simply we're not human doings, we're human beings. And beings. We have we have forgot, and and there's a a great concept of of life, be do have, right? If you want to have something, you have to first be in that in that energy. Then you gotta do, then you gotta have what you want. So it's it's it doesn't work any other way because if you're just doing to have something, it it's empty, you know, and you're you're not following that. And this is a hard concept for those who are caught. Yeah, and when you're when you're the fish in the bowl, it's like, yeah, I'm good, I got the money, I got this, but underneath, like many, many of the men that I have worked with specifically, they have a bad relationship with their spouse or they're cheating. Uh, they don't have a relationship with their children. Um, you know, their their friendships are very surface oriented. And I believe that there is way more juice in life. Like when the fire burns, when your house burns, what are you grabbing? You're grabbing your people and your pets.

SPEAKER_03 11:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:41

That's it.

SPEAKER_01 11:42

You're you're not grabbing your books, you're not grabbing your maybe your iPhone, that's about it. But you know, you can get a new one of those. And it and and I'm not saying one replaces the other. It's a yes and.

SPEAKER_00 11:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:54

Right? It's a beingness and a doingness together so that so that things are aligned.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

And the thing uh the the reality of of it is that we are human beings. Yes, you know, and we have to get back to that being. That's the wholeness. And you were talking about uh with the high achievers, the men, even um their relationships and stuff because uh people have been sold this thing of checking the box brings you value, and that's great. You know, I always say, you know, whoever you subscribe to, I always say, God even says it, you know, I want you to have the desires of your heart. So necess what he's saying is that I want you to have it at all. But society has flipped it in the sense of the more boxes you check, the more value you get, the more you keep going, going. But like you said, the things underneath that suffering your being, your relationships, your family, your friends, your health. Exactly. I'd be interested to know what to with you working with men and talking about this information, what do men wish they could say out loud, but often they feel they can't. Talk to us about that. Let's get a little bit deeper. Let's go.

SPEAKER_03 13:13

Okay, double click, let's go.

SPEAKER_00 13:15

Let's go, let's go. So about that.

SPEAKER_01 13:19

I think every human being wants to be seen and understood and felt. And that I believe is harder for men because we have been trained that our feelings are not important. Our feelings are something that could that are supposed to have dirt rubbed on them or you know, not fully expressed. And and I feel like there's a there's a rift in understanding. You can break this down to science. So emotions are visceral, and your core emotions, they're visceral, they're physiological. Like if I grab bad spoiled milk out of the fridge, I'm not gonna smile when I drink it. My face is gonna go, right? And those are my cranial nerves saying, okay, this is a raw emotion, a core emotion, which is disgust. I feel disgust because I drank bad milk. It's causing me to create different action in my life. That's what emotions are meant for. Now we have other emotions called inhibitory emotions. So I'm gonna go slow here because this is an interesting concept. We got our core emotions, right?

SPEAKER_00 14:23

And I mean, as you name those words, sorry to interrupt you, but down for people in layman's terms, so we can understand what it means. I'd love for my audience to really get it so that they can, if it's happening to them, they can actually relate to it. So go ahead. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 14:38

Well, this is this is a lot of the work that I do. And, you know, when I look at core emotions, which are tied to physiology and a visceral experience, they happen in our body before we register them in our brains, and then the mind will emerge. Okay, so let me let me break that down because that's pretty pretty. So your core emotions fear, sadness, joy, excitement, surprise, sexual excitement, disgust. Those are your basic core emotions. This is the viewpoint that I take. So here's your core emotions. They're all visceral experiences of any country. You're African, right? I was I was born in the Yeah, well, okay, or parts of it, right? Yeah, at least your middle name is, I know that. And and so, so like it doesn't matter what your genes are, you this is a human expression, right? And on top of those emotions, you have guilt, fear, or excuse me, guilt, anxiety, and shame. Anxiety is like the most common thing. Shame is the most overlooked thing, meaning that there's something wrong with me. My worthiness isn't right. So these inhibitory emotions prevent us from experiencing these deeper emotions. And when we experience them, and by experience, I mean we can name them. We can we can place them in our body by understanding our bodily sensations, like, oh, I feel tightness in my stomach, or my throat feels like it has a lump in it, or my hands, you know, I feel like I want to run. I get blood in my legs that make me want to fight and float and flight. So by it by removing the, and this is the work through self and through the work that I do with my clients, is that I will help them pull apart those inhibitory emotions so they can actually process what they're feeling underneath. Layman's terms, we need language. We need to be able to place language to these feelings or emotions. So instead of becoming them, it gives us space, right? Like instead of saying I'm angry, it's a very limiting definition of myself, right? I'm way much more than a 90-second emotion of anger. I'm feeling angry in this moment. Here's what I need to change my environment or what I'm doing or what this person is doing because I don't feel good. So that's that's what I mean. So it's emotional literacy, connection to bodily sensations, and then an integration of that to make a better decision. And this applies to personal life and it also applies to business life. Because if I'm just making a decision out of my head and I'm still in this background without a processed emotion of fear, I'm deciding from a place of fear.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:11

And it's harder to take risks from a place of fear. And and if you're not calculating my past experiences and logic, right, as an experienced business person, decisions are clouded. So I I think it's extremely important to gain this emotional intelligence in today's world because we're getting, we're getting, you know, it's the age of acceleration. Things are getting passed aside, but being human is about understanding what we feel and naming it and being able to process it.

SPEAKER_00 17:41

Yeah. Thank you so much for that. I there there are a few things, I mean, such a powerful conversation, and and I'm really enjoying this. This is this is my cup of tea. There are a few things that you say that just you know resonated with me, and I talk about it all the time. You talk about the different emotions, and you spoke about anger and how someone can say, I am angry, and instead of saying I feel angry, I tell that with my clients too all the time. You know, I always say words are powerful and we hear it all the time, but I don't think a lot of us understand how powerful words are, how they can change the trajectory of your life, how they can change really the trajectory of your day and your moment. So I always say anything after I am, do your best to make it positive. Because when you say I am, you're owning it.

SPEAKER_03 18:27

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 18:27

But like you said, I feel you're expressing something that can eventually come out of you. But with the I am, you are owning it. So we're it's too close.

SPEAKER_01 18:38

It's yeah, and it's the it's too close. Too close, so it and it right, and and creating that space by saying I feel.

SPEAKER_00 18:45

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:46

And it that's why they call it spelling, because we're casting spells. Our words cast spells. So we have to be very, very careful. I agree.

SPEAKER_00 18:53

With the language, I've never heard that.

SPEAKER_01 18:56

That's that's that's how I look at it. You know, I'm I'm in, I'm I'm into the ancient wisdom, and that's you know, there there are spells that are cast, right? So if those words, and it's not just the words that we're putting out into the world, it's the words that we're putting into our inner world.

SPEAKER_00 19:10

Into our inner world.

SPEAKER_01 19:11

Those are the worst because most of us treat ourselves way worse than we would treat our best friend.

SPEAKER_00 19:15

And a lot of us do. We treat ourselves worse, we're hard on ourselves. I I know I'm one of the people who I had to learn to do less self-sabotaging. Like I would sabotage myself more than other people do, but then I'll be gentle with everyone else. So what I learned now, I tell people, please be mindful about the words that you say, because you become what you think about yourself. You truly do. Yes, you do. It doesn't feel right or it's in that situation, you become that.

SPEAKER_01 19:43

Well, real real quick, it's just that that shame piece, meaning, like when you think about the like I define the word shame as something is wrong with me. Right? So that becomes very important to process that shame. Sorry, I had to get that out there because it's really important for our listeners out there. Like they can't overlook the lack of self-worth and the lack and and the and the prevalence of self-same.

SPEAKER_00 20:08

Don't apologize about that. Don't apologize actually when you when your heart is having you say, Because I just did a podcast probably a week ago, week and a half ago, maybe two weeks, and I actually recorded it a while ago about shame. And I'm glad that you brought it up because I don't think we talk enough about shame and what it's done to our lives and what it's still doing to our lives. Emerged you mentioned earlier, right? I'm African, and I had experience that not for the simple fact that I was African, because I had a child at a very young age. And when I came to the United States, of course my father brought me here to get an education. What do I do? I have a child, yeah. Who I love, love, love to death. Like he he opened up my heart. But for so many years I said I should have my name should have been Isabel. I'm ashamed of who I am. Because I lived under the spell of shame. That blueprint that they had to put out in the world. I didn't graduate on time. How are my parents going to look like? I lived with that for so long. The irony of it is coming to find out my parents were really the opposite. My dad is like, Okay, my bless a heart. My the my mom was like, Bring the baby here and all that stuff, but I was ashamed. I'm looking at all my peers that graduating school. You know, you your value comes from your education, your value comes from how you live economically, your humanity is validated by that. So I kept on saying, I am so ashamed, and I think I'm glad you brought it up. I think people really need to start looking at their lives and how shame is playing a big part in our lives, how people say suck because they're ashamed. I know I said suck for years because the life that I was living did not mean the life that I was told I was supposed to be living until when I realized I didn't even realize. God showed me that my son was one of the best things that could have ever happened.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

Such a gift, such a gift. Well, it's it's interesting to take this back and circle to our initial conversation between achievement, achievement and fulfillment, because despite the shame that you felt, right, you built achievement on a foundation of shame. And now as you're healing and and and removing this constant shame, fulfillment starts happening. Right. So now it's like it, and again, it's a yes and I can achieve and be fulfilled. It doesn't have to be one or the other. It's not like I just need to sit on the street and and tout my philosophy and ask for pennies, right? I can I can be very successful in business and be very conscious and aware and healed.

SPEAKER_00 22:50

Yeah, yeah. I love it. You just literally diagnosed me right there. Because what you say, what you said about me was is true. The fulfillment is rising up. But what I noticed too was shame, I use that as a survival mechanism. Yes, yes. But like you said, the more I started excavating, the more I started really discovering myself and understanding that this is my journey. This is my life, this is my path. What am I gonna do with what God has given me now that shame does not play a part in my life, at least a forefront talking about it?

SPEAKER_01 23:30

Yeah, it's not it's not dry, it's not driving the ship anymore.

SPEAKER_00 23:33

No, it's not driving the ship anymore, Dr. Brian. So, like you said, the fulfillment is just I I'm I'm pleased by the little things.

SPEAKER_01 23:42

You know, yeah, like just putting your feet on the floor in the morning and thanking God that you're alive. Like that's it's it's it's very simple, and it's also not easy to excavate the shape. So, congratulations.

SPEAKER_00 23:55

Well, thank you. Thank you, thank you for coaching me too while we're doing this. I love it, I love it. Well, you did mention we talked about emotional intelligence, and then we talked about how uh just briefly you talked about how important emotional intelligence is. But many people were never taught how to identify, right? Or you talked about how how to identify your process. You didn't talk about anger, how someone can say instead of I am, they say I feel. So you mentioned that. What's the one thing that you wish every man understood about his emotional life? And the reason why I ask you this is because uh male and female women we have things we've been told by society from the time we were little girls. Don't do this, don't do that. These things have held us back, they've suppressed us with us. It's our voice, our being, showing our who we are. And I think for men, they've experienced it. I think the craziest thing that society could ever do for a man is to say don't.

SPEAKER_01 25:00

Yeah, totally. Yeah, I agree. I agree. But but also, but also the it's it's the the it's tipped too, because many men who are caught in this closed-off space, like when they see men crying, like I don't want to cry in the boardroom, and I don't want to cry in the boardroom either.

SPEAKER_02 25:16

Yeah, I don't either. Right.

SPEAKER_01 25:18

And there's there's places for it to process those things. But if I could say that um that anything to men about emotions, your biology precedes your psychology. Your biology precedes your psychology. And what that means is, and and I spent 20 years, you know, being a chiropractor working on people's bodies and ignoring the emotional piece and myself and others. What I had to absorb, I absorbed a lot of humans, right? I'm treating treating a lot of just pain and not being able to pull apart and say, okay, pain is the emotion here, but what's the body telling me? And it's maybe telling me something different than just looking at a damaged disc or a damaged joint. So the body is a tool. The body is not only meant for movement, it's meant for sensation. Like for the best example that I can think of is the shoes that we wear. Think about women. Like women's feet are shoved in these shoes because someone said they should be wearing these really small shoes and they shut off the sensory component of my foot that's supposed to send information to my knee, to my hip, to my back, to my mid-back, to my head and my neck, and like like like we're we're we're still animals. We're human animals, like we are, and we're brilliant and expansive, but our basic biology that hasn't shifted as technology is rapidly evolving. So learning to use the body as a sensory tool, like, okay, how can I zone in on my perceptions, my hearing, my smell, my taste, my sight, my feeling, my perception, like where I am in space. And then also, can I dive inside? What's what am I feeling of the skin inwards? Can I name it? Does it happen consistently? It typically does. Like when I get anxiety, it happens for myself. I get it in my chest. Like I literally can now feel when it comes up, okay, I'm feeling anxiety. What am I afraid of? What I'm what do I not want to process that's underneath that? So biology precedes psychology and name it to tame it. Meaning, like if you have a feeling, an emotion that comes up, if you just start with naming it, even to yourself, if you don't feel comfortable working with a coach or have someone comfortable to share what they trust, and just name it to tame it. And I think also men need support, not solutions. Because as as as with the way we've been trained, is like solve, soft, soft, soft, soft. And you can maybe even think of this in in your romantic relationships, right? Like when you come to your your husband or your spouse with a with a problem, he typically is okay, what do we need to do to fix this? Right, right. And it's more so, honey, I just want you to listen to me. And that's that's where the training is like, can I hold space and ground and be like gravity so that you can express? And that that works.

SPEAKER_00 28:10

Uh we'll tell you what you said is correct. So that that was that was the battle. Yeah, you know, I come to him with problems, not even a problem, I'm just explaining what I'm going through, and he's like bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. And I used to get frustrated. Yeah. So frustrated until when I started telling him that I just need you to listen. But then on my end too, I had to look at him from a different perspective in the sense that he's just trying to make me not suffer. Yes. But I had to sit him down and say, Listen, I love that. I love that when I come to you, you're trying to fix the problem because you don't want me to suffer or feel a certain way, but it's not helping me because sometimes I just want you to be an ear. Yes. You know, you don't need to give the solution. But as you mentioned, men have been trained to be solution-oriented. So whatever comes in front of them, they're like, Well, I'm gonna solve this problem without even going without without even being present. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:11

And and you said it what what stuck with me is being an ear, right? Like my whole body can listen. I can listen with my body, right? Am I gonna sit here and listen to you complaining, not complaining, or expressing, you know, am I here? Or can I actually like listening is a skill. Listening is a skill that needs to be trained. Like for myself personally, I used to ask a question and then leave. Or ask a question. If they didn't respond quick enough, I would answer it for them, right?

SPEAKER_00 29:38

But that's the answering. I have to grow up on that.

SPEAKER_01 29:42

Yeah, we and and that's part of maturity if we're focused on actually growing and maturing from it. But listening is a skill set that needs to be practiced and even more so, embodied listening. Like, can I listen with my entire being? Can I not even think about my response? Can I be truly present? And that that it all comes down to like how present can we actually be with one another?

SPEAKER_00 30:05

Yeah. And it is a skill, you know, it's it's like muscle when you go, when you're going to the gym. Being an empath, that's something that I'm still working on. Like how my husband, when I come to him about something, and boom, he wants to be solve a problem without just listening. Being an empath, when someone comes to me, I say, boom. So with coaching, oh my god, it's taught me so much. I love in the space of being able to listen. I do it so well with my clients. I need to incorporate that more in my personal life, in my relationships, with either my children or even myself to learn to just listen. Yes. I am exceptional with my clients, but when it comes, I'm still maturing when it comes to that. Like, okay, so I'm saying that.

SPEAKER_01 30:50

Well, and I think that's where where where your fulfillment cups still can be felt, right? I mean filled, right? With children, that's been a really good lesson for me. Is like, can I can I see them as their own beings? My kids are in their 20s now, so like they're they're adults, you know, that they're not fully supporting themselves yet, but I I see them and value what they bring to the world, not just as these small children anymore, but these blossoming adults. And can I listen to them as a you know, in in that embodied space?

SPEAKER_00 31:23

I love that. You talk a lot about survival mode. I love the topic of survival mode because I lived on survival mode for most of my life. Just surviving to get by, didn't know what it was, then I couldn't put a name on it. Like you say, you name it, you tame it. I couldn't put a name on it. It was survival mode, just getting through life, going on the hamster roll over and over each day until when you get to a point where burnout exceeds my survival mode, and then you get into depression, been through all of that, right? Anxiety, been through all of that. You talk a lot about survival mode. How can someone tell the difference between which I wish I could I would have known this? How could someone tell the difference between being productive and simply surviving?

SPEAKER_01 32:16

Great question. And I'll break it down to some neuroscience. When you're in survival mode, and this is not black and white, our our nervous systems they go in between survival mode and regeneration and connection mode. Um, so your classic fight or flight, right? Am I am I angry? Do I want to run away? Like these are signs, right, that I'm in survival mode. Do I am I constantly reacting versus processing and responding? Um freeze mode, and in today's world, if you look at it from a biological standpoint, you can see like the mountain lion attacking the deer, right? And the deer will pretend that it's dead. And that's the the lowest, most rudimentary protective mechanism of the nervous system. It takes all the blood and puts it into the organs and out of the muscles. So you're just so it feels like you're dead. But in today's world, that presents itself as lethargy, brain fog. Um, I don't want to say laziness, I'm saying laziness, but like just not that internal drive. And there's a lot of other factors involved there, but those are the basics. I think every, because we're all looking for these outside solutions to brain fog and lethargy and obesity. And I believe that the like it's it's multimodal, right? If you're constantly putting toxins in your body, yes, you have to take care of those. But the way that you're managing your energy systems, if you're in that freeze mode all the time, that's your body going into protection. Now, the the other end of things is where I'm feeling energized and I'm feeling socially engaged, even if you're shy, like I can give myself a smile. These are all neurological things or neurobiological things. Like my cranial nerves will engage and be more open and where I can express. I practice this in New York City all the time. I because I live outside of the city, and when I go in, I smile, I smile at every I smile at everybody. And I literally, the people who scowl at me, I like try and get it, I don't I don't jump in their face, but I try and get a smile from a distance. I'm working on it all the time because it helps me, it helps them. Um, so those are the outward signs that people need to be aware of. I also think we need to look into all of our conditions. Am I having chronic low back pain? Do I get chronic headaches? Am I do I have some autoimmune conditions? Through, you know, my training, I was always looking at like one cause and one cure. And now it's I I'm seeing that there's multi-causes and and I don't want to say cure, but like a balance and harmony in a homeostasis. Like if you're constantly getting in accidents or you're constantly losing things, it's not the outside world happening to you. That's your nervous system being completely dysregulated. If you're moving too fast, you can't remember where you put your keys, it's because you're just not present. I I don't I I don't want to oversimplify it, and maybe that does.

SPEAKER_00 35:09

Yeah, oversimplifying it. I think that that's that's the problem with society. You know, we want to put these big names of it, but it is simple. Honestly, when you sit back and look at it about being present, but the reason why it doesn't feel simple, it doesn't sound simple, is because we're challenging a beast, and this beast is keep going, keep doing, keep achieving, keep it, you know what I mean? So just go, go, go, go, go, comparison, comparison. But ultimately, if you ask me, What's that? You are going nature.

SPEAKER_01 35:41

Amen. Just breathe. Just breathe. And it and it might sound funny, but like the first first thing I do in the morning before I even, you know, my first thing I do in the morning, my feet hit the ground, I come out of, I pop out of bed like a piece of toast, but that's just me. You know, but my feet hit the ground and I thank God for being alive, and then I go outside. I don't care how cold it is, and I just get my feet, even though I have like a cement balcony or um patio, I stand on that and I just I just move a little bit. I don't even have like a design program, but I take a breath, I listen to the birds. Now the sun's coming out early. So I'm I'm like just just being before I check my phone, before the external world gets me, like these things are so vitally important, especially for those of us who are in high-producing environments, you know, because there's a humanity that we're losing, you know, and and and especially now we look at like this the technology just taking over. What's left is to be human and to have that that emotional intelligence so that I can I can deploy AI properly and I can capitalize or you know, collaborate with the people who want to be human.

SPEAKER_00 36:51

Get back to that being. Yeah. And um, I have two questions I want to ask you, but this one I'm kind of gonna circle back to it. Um, I want to make sure that I have this conversation with you, and this is about the entrepreneurs, the high achievers, and um what I call now, you know, leadership is the buzzword. Yes. Leadership has been the buzzword for a few years now. Everybody's in leadership, everybody wants to be a leader. How are you I say that when I go into an organization to talk to leaders, because I say that the world doesn't function the way it used to function anymore. So leaders have to start looking at their organization and their voice from a different lens. And I'm a firm believer that in order to be a leader, you first have to be a leader in your own life. I tell the executives and the people that I see to the workshops that I do, you have to introduce yourself to yourself. You have to know who you are. But the simple fact is maybe years ago it used to be more about the spreadsheet, what is someone delivering. But now employees, from what I'm seeing and talking to them, they want leaders who inspire them to become a better human being. Right? Before people used to be like, I just want the paycheck, I want to be seen as the one that's doing the best, I want the promotion, I want to be the boss, the boss, the boss. The world has shifted. Yes, yes. And what would you say to leaders out there with organizations who I'll say this when I started talking about this, people always told me you and your stuff, even organizations are not going to listen to you talk about this. Look at the world now, it's all about wellness because we're realizing that no matter what we do, our being is the thing that matters number one, that matters the most. So if if I'm an if I'm a leader for 20 years, I've been doing things a certain way, I'm losing employees left, right, and center, right? My organization is not doing what it's supposed to do. What do you say to the leaders, to the entrepreneurs who just feel that they have to keep the going, they have to keep being the person that they used to be in order to either uh upscale or in order to make the bottom line better, or even just to retain the employees with their organization?

SPEAKER_01 39:19

So satisfy their shareholders as well, because at that level it's important. So yes, yeah. Are you familiar? Are you familiar with Project Aristotle? Have you ever heard of that before?

SPEAKER_03 39:29

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 39:29

All right, so Project Aristotle was by Google. So if you think top company in the world, right? They're producing significant amounts of revenue, they have a ton of employees. Do you recall what the number one element was to teamwork that they've that they learned?

SPEAKER_00 39:44

No, can you refresh it?

SPEAKER_01 39:46

Like the like they studied hundreds of teams and people. The number one element was psychological safety.

SPEAKER_00 39:54

Safety. Psychological safety. I remember that now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:57

Like the the safety.

SPEAKER_00 39:59

What does that mean for people?

SPEAKER_01 40:00

So, what it means, like, can I express and have my opinion shared? Can I can I do I feel safe enough? I'm gonna, I can break this down. We we may have to have three conversations with this.

SPEAKER_00 40:11

Oh, we're gonna have another podcast. Yeah, so have another podcast.

SPEAKER_01 40:15

But what's really interesting is that safety starts from within. I'm always detecting whether my environment is safe or not, internal environment or external environment. I used to tell my daughter this all the time when she was younger, like 10 years old, she started going out to the world. I said, I said, Mia, if you start to feel like something's off, like if your spidey sense is tingling, listen to that. That's smart. That's your body telling you you don't feel safe.

SPEAKER_00 40:42

Loud whisper.

SPEAKER_01 40:43

That is the amen. Yes, that is the loud whisper. You got to listen to the loud whisper, right? So, but that loud whisper is going on inside of our nervous systems all the time. So if I don't feel safe to express myself, that puts me in that survival mode. And then I and I decrease my cognitive capacity and I cannot create. Now, what do leaders want? Leaders want people to feel safe, they want to be able to produce, they want them to be able to collaborate. So all of these things are based on the nervous system feeling safe and trustworthy. It's not only what I feel externally, it's a signal I put out. You've walked into a room before, you're like, this dude does not feel safe. Like, I don't feel safe. Even in a work environment, you're like, something's off about this guy. Like he's saying the right things, but it feels like bullshit.

unknown 41:29

Right.

SPEAKER_01 41:30

So that's that's your your nervous system being smart and your intuition saying, you know, take a look here. This is telling me something. So I think leaders of today need to take their own signal into account. Like how obviously you said self-leadership is the first thing, right? But like taking nervous system regulation and your own groundedness and presence, male or female, whatever that is. Yeah. And are you putting a signal of safety across, or are you just putting a signal of production? I don't give a shit about, just the bottom line. That's what I used to be like. Bottom line doesn't matter. Get the people in call, I don't care. But it's more about like that human being first, like be human first. I always like to tell people.

SPEAKER_00 42:08

Yeah, be human first. Yeah, you can't I I sing it. You cannot lead anybody unless you're leading your own life. It's interesting you say that because I get uh it just reminded me when we first started the podcast. You talked about how when you had your business and someone asks for vacation, you're like, vacation, why are you taking a vacation? Like you would take it personal, yes, right? So that was before you started doing all the work, and these are the leaders, some leaders that are out there now, and people have to understand it doesn't work like that anymore. No, you have to be authentic, you have to have some form of empathy. Yes, people that work for you. That doesn't mean you let them get away with murder, but what people don't realize is when you allow people to be, you don't have to micromanage them.

SPEAKER_01 42:50

Amen. Yeah, and it's and I and I look at it like there needs to be just as much empathy as there is execution. Like one does, if one overpowers the other, then you have like you the company becomes too soft and the product or the productivity drops, right? But your your empathy needs to be just as equal. And intellect and intuition, same, they need to run parallel.

SPEAKER_00 43:14

I love it. All right, so the end of if someone is listening today, I always do this at the end of my podcast. I give you the flaw, I give my audience that my guests the flaw to say what they want to say, but I I'll say this too. If someone is listening today and realize that they've lost themselves, they talk about in their business, they lost themselves in being an entrepreneur, a boss, a leader, an executive. Where do they begin their journey of I always say coming back?

SPEAKER_01 43:45

The first the the the the work that I do, I call it it's it's named the human work. This is a predictable path, and it starts with awakening. You have to awaken to to yes, self awareness is number one, bodily sensations. And then bringing those into coherence. And once you once you awaken, you then need to accept reality. You know, and embrace who you truly are and your insufficiencies and your strengths and weaknesses. And then from there, align with what your purpose is and what your truth is. So that's a very simple version of that. So awaken, accept, align. Those three things.

SPEAKER_00 44:29

Well, it's simple, but that is really the blueprint of it.

SPEAKER_01 44:33

It's the work, it's the work. It's not easy.

SPEAKER_00 44:36

It's not easy though. That's why a lot of people do it. I always say if healing was easy, we would all be healed. Yes. If change was easy, we would all be changed. The problem is nobody because you have to go through what you've been through in order to get to the other side. Yes. And most people don't want to go through that. They don't want to go through that pain. So, no, absolutely, I totally agree with you. It's a self-awareness, the acknowledgement. This is my reality, good, bad, or indifferent.

SPEAKER_03 45:03

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 45:04

No matter how bad it is, I tell people, just look at it and say, What how do I operate from this space?

SPEAKER_03 45:11

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 45:11

That's when change happens. So, Dr. Brian, again, thank you so much for being here. But the floor is yours. What would you like to tell uh the audience? Uh, some advice, some knowledge, a tip, and then at the end, please tell our audience where they can find you, your social handle, uh, social media handles, and I'll I'll force it in when I do the podcast, but the the floor is yours. Go ahead. Awesome.

SPEAKER_01 45:36

Well, first of all, I just want to acknowledge your journey. And, you know, we we got to meet through the the blessings of the internet, right? Otherwise, we wouldn't have have met, and we're two strangers in the world now becoming friends and having a powerful conversation. So thank you for the work you've done because you wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't be able to sit in this in this platform and be able to share. Um the body is not just a movement tool, it's a sensory tool. Learn the vocabulary to understand what it's telling you so that you can make better decisions and have more energy and better relationships, stronger relationships. And uh be willing to do the work. Love fiercely. And uh yeah, you can find you can find me on my website at drbrianparris.com, no dashes, no dots. It's just D-R-B-R-I-A-N-P-A-R-I-S. And then my handles on Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook are all at and YouTube are at Dr. Brian Paris. So I'm pretty active on all of those. And uh if if this did intrigue you, and uh, I know we're both coaches, but if if specifically I coach with men and help them with this emotional literacy and intelligence. So, men, if you're out there and women, if you want your men to uh learn how to support over solve, you know, have them have them drop a uh direct message or or hit me up on my website for a discovery call. And um, you know, I just want to see this work collectively go. I'm really stoked that we could be on this conversation together. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 47:02

Oh, thank you so much. And I want to say something really quick. The reason why I do this podcast and bring different people, although I'm a coach, I do believe that um there's someone about everyone. So I appreciate you saying that, the fact that I'm a coach, but you're here because I want people out there in the world to get to hear about you, get in contact with you. The truth of humanity is I can coach right now, and 12 people will understand exactly what I'm saying, and they will get me, we will resonate. You could say and coach the same thing I did, and then 12 other people will be like, oh Dr. Man and female, Dr. Brian is the one for me. There's enough for everyone. There is, there certainly is. If you enjoyed this, enjoyed him as much as I did, reach out to him. Reach out to him and connect with Dr. Brian again. Thank you so much from my heart to yours. Thank you for being on the Loud Whistle Podcast to Healing Space. And there we have it, my people. This is your healing space, the place where we talk about all things humanity. I hope we blessed you today. I hope you received something that will just shift something little within you, and that's what we're here for. From our hearts to yours. Again, thank you so much for listening. Make sure to subscribe, make sure to share, and please look out for this podcast. I will have all his handles in case you missed it. I'll say it again. His name is Dr. Dot Brian Paris, like Paris. That's his name. Thank you again, Doctor. You take good care.

SPEAKER_03 48:38

Thank you.