Hey what's up hello! As the holiday season approaches, we know some of you might have to deal with questions from your annoying Uncle Carl or Grandma Karen about whether you've found a significant other. This can be especially annoying for aspec/arospec people, so we've put together a list of things you can do or say when you get this question!
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/dealing-with-family-during-the-holidays
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
Hey what's up hello! As the holiday season approaches, we know some of you might have to deal with questions from your annoying Uncle Carl or Grandma Karen about whether you've found a significant other. This can be especially annoying for aspec/arospec people, so we've put together a list of things you can do or say when you get this question!
Episode Transcript: www.soundsfakepod.com/dealing-with-family-during-the-holidays
Donate: patreon.com/soundsfakepod
Follow: @soundsfakepod
Join: https://discord.gg/W7VBHMt
Buy our book: www.soundsfakepod.com/book
[00:00:00]
SARAH: Hey what's up hello! Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl I'm Sarah, that's me.
KAYLA: And a demi-straight girl, that's me Kayla.
SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand.
KAYLA: On today's episode, pissing off your relatives.
BOTH: Sounds Fake But Okay.
[Intro Music]
SARAH: Hey, it is Sarah from the future. Um, before we get too deep into this episode, I'm just going to explain some things. Um, the TLDR is that I'm a dumb bitch. So last night, me and Kayla recorded two podcast episodes back-to-back. It was very tiring because the upcoming two weeks, we're both going to be traveling, it's Thanksgiving, we knew it just wasn't going to be possible to record another one next week. So, we recorded two back-to-back. This morning, as I went to edit the first one, I accidentally deleted my entire audio for the first podcast we recorded in a way that was unrecoverable. So, the episode you are hearing right now was meant to be the second episode. This was meant to be aired on December 1st. We referenced some stuff in the first episode that you will never know about because the audio is lost to the void. I mean, we have Kayla's audio if you want to just listen to half of it and fill in the blanks. I need to be more diligent about saving because auto-saving doesn't work the way that I thought it did. I want to die. Um, okay, yeah, so this is supposed to be the December 1st episode but it's not and because of the holidays we cannot record another episode. So, we will be taking the week of December 1st off because I'm a dumb bitch. I know what I've done. Um, we’re very sorry. I'm very sorry. It's not Kayla's fault. Um, I'm very sorry. I feel stupid and sad. And just now when I was trying to turn my mic back on, I just started crying because it wouldn't work. I… it was not plugged in. That's what happened. But that's where I'm at, so listen. I'm sorry y'all. I hope you enjoy this episode regardless. Also, the episode we recorded was about being grateful and thankful for your sexuality. And I think it was a good episode, but I guess we'll just have to record it at a different time. Um, I'm sorry. Here's the episode.
Welcome back to the pod! For you it has been maybe a week, for us it has been five minutes. But maybe for you it has been five minutes if you're just listening to these last two episodes back-to-back.
KAYLA: It's possible. I know Perry is currently binging, so. So. He was telling me things about an episode we did like 20 years ago and I was like I have no idea what you're talking about.
SARAH: I have no recollection.
KAYLA: I have no memory.
SARAH: I do not recall to quote a president of the United States.
KAYLA: Mmmmm’milkshakes bring all the boys to the arm.
SARAH: And they're like… it’s better than yours.
KAYLA: I thought of that one on the spot.
SARAH: Happy for you.
KAYLA: So, who's a real improv queen?
SARAH: Happy for you. Well, I hope everyone in the United States had a good Thanksgiving. I hope everyone not in the United States had a good Thursday.
KAYLA: Thursday
SARAH: But, you know, although the holiday season for me begins November 1st, as I have mentioned on this podcast. Now it really begins in earnest for a lot of people, a lot of Americans. And, you know, as you may have experienced last week, you got to deal with some relatives, some family around the holidays. You know, having dinner with your estranged aunt on Hanukkah. I don't know, I guess on Hanukkah is not, Hanukkah is multiple days.
KAYLA: You could… is there like one day of Hanukkah where a lot of things happen, like the last day?
SARAH: We have celebrated Hanukkah before. What day did we celebrate Hanukkah?
KAYLA: I don't know, I'm just wondering if there is one day of Hanukkah that's like bigger.
SARAH: What's the day where you eat the potatoes?
KAYLA: Every day? I'm not Jewish.
SARAH: We're not Jewish.
KAYLA: Can you tell?
SARAH: Uh, Jews who are listening, please tell us. Um, okay, anyway. But a lot of times the holidays involve seeing your family and not even just these holidays. There are other holidays in the time of year. You've got Easter. You've got Ramadan. You've got...
KAYLA: Boxing day
SARAH: Okay, that is around this time of year though.
KAYLA: Boxing Day?
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: I'm trying to be culturally aware.
SARAH: Boxing Day is...
KAYLA: Of the Brits.
SARAH: It's not a religious holiday though.
KAYLA: They don't need to be... Whoa! Whoa, Sarah! You're saying all holidays have to be religious now?
SARAH: No.
KAYLA: Wow
SARAH: There's the Fourth of July.
KAYLA: That's not religious.
SARAH: There's Canadian Thanksgiving. There is Indigenous People's Day because that other fucking holiday doesn't fucking exist.
KAYLA: There's probably an Independence Day for like most countries.
SARAH: A lot of countries. November 9th in Germany. That's a fun one. Well, not a... I guess it is kind of fun. It's a good one. Fall of the Berlin Wall is what that one is.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: Anyway, I think you guys get the idea. You know holidays exist. But if you're having to interact with family, over the holidays, on a holiday, any day of the year really, often times if you are not in a relationship, they will ask you when you're going to be in a relationship, when are you going to get a boyfriend, when are you going to get a girlfriend, when are you going to get married. Lots of questions. And especially for us aspec folks, that's annoying.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: Because, I mean, I can imagine it being very annoying for people who aren't aspec as well.
KAYLA: Or people that are just queer and so people are saying the wrong gender.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: Or people that are straight. It's just an annoying question.
SARAH: It's just an annoying question. And I understand why they ask it, because it's like, you only see family every once in a while, you want to know what's going on in their lives, and because of our society and our culture, they assume that being in a relationship is something that is going to happen to you. But also, I don't want to have to explain my sexuality to like sort of distant relatives right now at the dinner table. Not my thing. So, this is, we're going to provide you with some options on what to say to relatives.
KAYLA: Or do both.
SARAH: Yeah, or do.
KAYLA: Most of mine are doing.
SARAH: Mine are both. But how to react to relatives that won't stop asking you if you're in a relationship? This is partially inspired by a fanfiction I read a really long time ago.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: It involved, it was, you know, classic, you know, they weren't together but they were pretending to be together for the purposes of this wedding.
KAYLA: Ugh, the best
SARAH: They attended a wedding together and everyone was like, oh you're such a cute couple. So, they just started making up like weird facts about their relationship and like making people purposefully super uncomfortable. And that sort of helped inspire this pod topic so shout out to, I don't remember who wrote that, it has been a while since I've read it, I couldn't tell you what it's called. It's probably named after some song lyrics, I don't know. Maybe I'll track it down. But there was something about a goldfish.
KAYLA: Sure
SARAH: Okay, anyway. But they were just saying bizarre things intentionally trying to weird people out and I was like, this is perfect content. So, without further ado, how to piss off your relatives that won't stop asking if you're in a relationship. So, the first option for me is show them a picture of Timothee Chalamet and try to convince them he's your boyfriend. If they expect you to have a girlfriend, you can do this with Saoirse Ronan.
KAYLA: Inter-changeable
SARAH: Yeah. See how long you can keep up the ruse. If you need to get Timothee or Saoirse themselves in on it, do it if necessary. I think they'd be up to it.
KAYLA: I agree.
SARAH: What else could you do, Kayla?
KAYLA: You could, if you're celebrating Christmas and have nutcrackers around, take it and crack their nuts.
[00:10:00]
SARAH: Crack the person who asked you's nuts?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: What if they don't have nuts?
KAYLA: Find the equivalent.
SARAH: Oh. What's the equivalent?
KAYLA: I don't… hey, I don’t know.
SARAH: I’m afraid
KAYLA: You got to figure that one out. The boobs? I don’t know
SARAH: My guess is a boob.
KAYLA: I mean, like shape-wise, I feel like it's the boob.
SARAH: The nip? I don't know.
KAYLA: Anyway, crack it.
SARAH: Crack it. Alternatively, tell them that you actually are in a long-distance relationship, but you're making up for it by writing each other poetry. Tell them you'd like to read them some of the poetry that your lover sends you, and then proceed to read a bunch of Cardi B lyrics.
KAYLA: Oh. I have one that's a bit similar in terms of reading.
SARAH: Okay
KAYLA: So, when they ask you who you're dating, you take out your copy of Romeo and Juliet and start reading to them to tell them of the dangers of love.
SARAH: Just in general?
KAYLA: Well, I think Romeo and Juliet is a good example of the dangers of love, so you can read it to them.
SARAH: Like you might fake poison yourself and then discover it.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: It's a really common problem, especially when you're 13 and 15.
KAYLA: Yes, you could say, this is why I'm not dating, here's this example, and you'd read them the whole thing.
SARAH: Those crazy things teens get up to. Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? I'm Romeo because that's my fucking name, bitch. Because wherefore means why, not where. Get it right, kids. Okay, also you could build a snowman and tell your relatives that you're just trying to find the right button for the nose so it can come to life like Frosty. And do they have a spare button you could try?
KAYLA: That's good. You could offer to tell them and gossip with them as you paint their nails, but then you're very bad at it and you paint all the way up their finger.
SARAH: Yeah, that would be great.
KAYLA: Oopsie.
SARAH: Oops.
KAYLA: My bad.
SARAH: Yeah. You could also only answer them in French because it's the language of love. It does not matter if you can speak French or not.
KAYLA: That's good.
SARAH: Although if they can understand French, this might not be the approach for you.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: But for me, in my very, very limited French knowledge, I could just be like, J'ai un mari, bitch.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: So, take that. I do have a husband.
KAYLA: Interesting.
SARAH: Yeah.
KAYLA: You could offer to tell them as you play the party game quarters, where you are supposed to bounce the quarter into a cup, but really you just bounce it so hard that it hits them in the face continually, but you keep saying, oh sorry, I'm so bad at this, let's keep playing.
SARAH: Now that made me think of the scene in The Good Place where Eleanor mentions that she has, in fact, bounced a quarter off of Chidi's butt.
KAYLA: Interesting.
SARAH: And that's true love.
KAYLA: Oh!
SARAH: You could also, when they ask, don't say anything, just wordlessly pull out your phone and show them the digital short from SNL where Aidy Bryant is in love with her dog, and then her dog briefly comes to life as Harry Styles.
KAYLA: Oh!
SARAH: Just show them that.
KAYLA: I didn't see that one.
SARAH: You should watch it.
KAYLA: I will.
SARAH: All of Harry Styles' material on SNL is very good. And I'm now very much into the song Watermelon Sugar.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: That's the tea.
KAYLA: You could pretend you don't know what a boyfriend or girlfriend is. They ask you, do you have a boyfriend? You say, a what? And they try to explain it to you and you're, what? What? What?
SARAH: This is especially funny if you're German because, or if you're in a German speaking place. Because in German, the word for male friend and boyfriend and female friend and girlfriend are the same word. So, you can not only pretend to not know what a boyfriend or girlfriend is, but not even know what friendship is altogether.
KAYLA: Oh. That's good.
SARAH: You could tell them you're dating your sibling and just see what happens.
KAYLA: Oh. that's very… or your cousin I feel like would also be very good.
SARAH: Yeah, I mean sibling if possible because that's like really weird.
KAYLA: Yeah, you could ask who they're dating and then when they're like your aunt, you'll be like, does your girlfriend know you're cheating on her with my aunt? And then you start some drama.
SARAH: Start some drama. Yeah. I'm actually going to skip over one to get to my one that's kind of similar. So, you tell them that their spouse once told you that marriage wasn't worth it, so you're trying to stay away from anything serious right now.
KAYLA: Oh my.
SARAH: And then watch as they confront their spouse about this statement and watch as their marriage devolves in front of you at the dinner table on Christmas Day.
KAYLA: That is incredible. Wow.
SARAH: You're welcome for that idea, anyone who really wants to destroy their family.
KAYLA: That's very good. You could tell them that you wished for a boyfriend or girlfriend on the, for your present for the eighth day of Hanukkah, which doesn't exist?
SARAH: I don't know. We have established I don't know anything about Hanukkah.
KAYLA: Okay, well, whatever… however many days of Hanukkah there are, you asked for it for the day that it doesn't exist.
SARAH: Okay. I was about to be like, oh, I could like text my aunt and ask her. I could just Google it.
KAYLA: I could just Google it. Let me, hold on, I'll Google it and then that joke will land a lot better.
SARAH: Okay, I'm so ready for this. And I'm going to, I'm not even going to say another thing. I'm going to just wait for you. Everyone is going to just sit here and wait. Jokes later
KAYLA: Shit. It's eight days long. Fuck.
SARAH: That's what I thought.
KAYLA: Fuck. Shit. Okay, so what you do is you tell your relative that you're waiting and you wished for a boyfriend or girlfriend on for the ninth day of Hanukkah. Which is funny because there's eight days. Which we all knew.
SARAH: Wow, you nailed that joke.
KAYLA: My god, what a fucking perfect landing. Ten out of ten. Aced it.
SARAH: Nine out of nine I would say.
KAYLA: Mm, good one.
SARAH: You could just say, okay boomer, and then pretend they're not there for the rest of dinner.
KAYLA: Perfect, yes. You could get very close and say it's a secret and then start whisper screaming Carol of the Bells in their ear.
SARAH: Oh, okay. Yeah, that'll be good. You could also tell them that you're in an intimate relationship with potatoes and can they please not watch as you eat them during dinner because it feels like they're infringing on something very private and you would really rather have this moment with your potatoes.
KAYLA: Yours are so chaotic. That's foul. That's disgusting.
SARAH: I wasn't even hopped up on ADHD meds this time.
KAYLA: That was foul.
SARAH: Great
KAYLA: You could tell them that you keep kissing frogs because you're sure that one of them is your boyfriend and it's not working and could you please look at this wart?
SARAH: You could tell them that you're just an Anastasia looking for your Christian Grey and when they bring up the fact that that was a really toxic relationship, just look at them dreamily and clasp your hands in front of your heart and go, I know.
KAYLA: You could say similarly, oh, he's locked in the basement under some straps. He's into that. Would you please go downstairs? Would you please go downstairs and tell him dinner is ready?
SARAH: Can you please spoon feed him some mashed potatoes?
KAYLA: That's very good. That's a very good one.
SARAH: Okay, was that your next one? Should I move on to my next one?
KAYLA: Yeah, I just thought of that just now. Improv.
SARAH: You would also tell them that you're just a Sandy looking for your Danny Zuko. You want to find a man who you will change your entire personality for.
KAYLA: Good. You could tell them that you had a boyfriend, but it turns out that he was a ghost who was appearing to you because he was the donor of your heart transplant. And apparently your whole life is a lie and you're living a very depressing life. This is the plot of Last Christmas. Spoiler, sorry, it sucks.
SARAH: We were talking about that before we started recording, right?
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: It's all blurring together.
KAYLA: Yes, it was Between the Two Pods we recorded today.
SARAH: Between two pods. Okay
KAYLA: Wow, that's a good podcast title, Between Two Pods.
SARAH: Between Two Pods. Yeah, wow. Between Two Tide Pods, the millennial story. I guess it’s…
KAYLA: You could tell your relative that you had a partner, but they tragically died after eating a Tide Pod and then you pull one out of your pocket and you eat it right in front of them.
SARAH: Romeo and Juliet right in front of them.
KAYLA: Right in front of their eyes.
SARAH: Oh, good. Okay, you could just start searching the room and just yell, William? William? Have you seen William? Like the best friend does during the prom scene of 10 Things I Hate About You.
KAYLA: Oh, you could…
SARAH: Specifically, you're looking for William Shakespeare. Not just any William. You're looking for Shakespeare.
[00:20:00]
KAYLA: Sure. You could be like, what are you talking about? She's right here. And when they're like, who? You're like, right here. And then, oh, boy, does it get supernatural.
SARAH: That, I think, would be even better if you can get at least one other family member in on it.
KAYLA: Have you ever seen the video, I feel like you would hate it because it's a prank. Maybe we've talked about this, where they put a blanket over this little girl, and then they take it off, and the whole family pretends that she disappeared…
SARAH: I have seen that, yeah
KAYLA: But she can see them. It's really sad, but if you could do that, that would be good.
SARAH: Yeah, I think if you can get someone else in on it, and they can be pretending to be talking to this person.
KAYLA: Yeah, that's very good.
SARAH: Yeah, okay. So, you could also tell your stupid relative, who won't shut up about whether or not you're in a relationship, you can tell them that you've been searching for love on FarmersOnly, but no one wants a second date when they find out you're not actually a farmer.
KAYLA: That's good. You could... I had one and then my cat distracted me. You could tell them that you...
SARAH: The content, it's just flowing out of you.
KAYLA: I know, I had so many good ones in a row.
SARAH: That's why you write them down.
KAYLA: That you are in a committed relationship with your... I'm looking around... Snowman statue.
SARAH: Oh, that's really weird. I thought you were going to say to tell them that you're in a committed relationship with a cult, which honestly, that's a good response.
KAYLA: Oh, you could say that you're part of a cult and the cult doesn't allow you to have romantic relationships.
SARAH: You're a member of the Church of Scientology.
KAYLA: And would they like a pamphlet?
SARAH: Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's good. That's good.
KAYLA: You could say that... I’m just… Listen, you have to wait. They're just coming out of me. You could say that you're part of a scientific study where you are forbidden from dating, but there's another member of the study who you're in love with and it's very forbidden. And do they know a lawyer that can help you get out of this study.
SARAH: That's the plot of a really fun fanfiction.
KAYLA: I agree. Can someone write that? Because that's actually very good.
SARAH: Maybe you should pretend to adopt a goldfish together like the fanfiction that inspired this podcast episode. You could break out into an acapella rendition of Love Song by Sara Bareilles.
KAYLA: You could say that you don't have time for a relationship when you've been adopting so many toads.
SARAH: Are you kissing the toads too or just the frogs?
KAYLA: Just the frogs. Please don't be stupid.
SARAH: Oh, I'm so sorry to have offended you.
KAYLA: Thank you.
SARAH: You could melt into the floor. Don't speak. Just melt.
KAYLA: You could put the turkey on their head.
SARAH: What if you don't have a turkey? What if you have a turdockin?
KAYLA: On the head?
SARAH: What if you have a vegan turkey?
KAYLA: Cut a hole in it. Put it on their head.
SARAH: Wait, the hole is the head?
KAYLA: No, you put, like on Friends, Joey puts his head inside the turkey and then he's wearing it.
SARAH: Why would I know a damn thing about Friends? Oh, I think I know what you're talking about.
KAYLA: There's this scene where Joey's like, I can put my head in this turkey, so he sticks it in the hole of the turkey and then he's wearing it.
SARAH: That must be a really big turkey. That must be a 25 pounder at least.
KAYLA: I mean, he couldn't get it off.
SARAH: Yeah, that checks out.
KAYLA: Anyway, that…
SARAH: It's probably like a 30-pound turkey. It's a big turkey. I know too much about sizes of turkeys.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: It's probably because my dad is so into his turkey making. Um, you could scream as loud as you can. Just scream bloody murder and don't stop until they promise to never ask you about your relationship status again. But don't tell them that you'll stop once they do that. Just like keep screaming until they figure it out on their own that that's the way to make you stop.
KAYLA: You could take out the D20 that you carry with you, roll it, and then say, Oh sorry, I didn't pass the check. I can't tell you. My DM said so.
SARAH: Oh, is this a D&D thing?
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: I did not get that.
KAYLA: That's okay.
SARAH: Okay. So, you can tell them that you have drunkenly butchered the Cupid Shuffle one too many times, and now Cupid fucking hates you. And he has therefore screwed your love life over for the rest of all eternity.
KAYLA: You could say that one time you were building a house, and you were trying to screw a plank together.
SARAH: Screw a plank together? I'm sorry, what?
KAYLA: I'm very handy, please don't question me. And that you slipped and instead screwed your love life. That was a good one.
SARAH: It was okay. You could just go, anyway, here's Wonderwall. Except instead of actually playing Wonderwall, just do the Jake Peralta thing where you just scream.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: I don't know where the guitar came from, but it came from somewhere.
KAYLA: You could show them a drawing of themselves and say, a police officer gave me this, it's a mugshot of someone they're looking for.
SARAH: That's fun. They wouldn't have a mugshot of a person they're looking for.
KAYLA: You know what I mean, Jesus.
SARAH: Okay. But just like show them a lot of them with various different noses just to make Flynn Rider mad. So just copy everything they do and say, repeat it all, throw every question they have right back at them like you're in second grade.
KAYLA: That's good. You could ask...
SARAH: You could ask...
KAYLA: Stop! Stop. What the fuck, are you 12?
SARAH: No, I'm in second grade. I'm practicing on you.
KAYLA: I literally hate it. That would make me very angry. You could ask for their help tying a bow when you have someone put their finger down.
SARAH: Yeah, I got to put the finger in there.
KAYLA: But then you keep fucking it up.
SARAH: Accidentally cut their finger off!
KAYLA: But no, then you tie it so good after you fuck up a bunch of times that their finger is stuck. And then you get to walk away and be like, Oops, sorry, turns out I was tying you to a 5,000 pound weight. And so now you can't move because you're stuck here.
SARAH: Who are you giving a 5,000-pound weight to? Who is this gift for?
KAYLA: My uncle, Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Please respect my privacy at this time.
SARAH: Okay, you could say a relationship in this economy and then start rambling about Dow stocks.
KAYLA: That's good. You could say a relationship, I thought I was supposed to get a pirate ship.
SARAH: I hated that so much.
KAYLA: Did you though? Or is it very good?
SARAH: I kind of want a pirate ship, but also I don't because...
KAYLA: It's a lot of responsibility.
SARAH: Yeah, also just like water is not really my thing. Like in theory having a pirate ship is really cool.
KAYLA: Oh, then you could be like, then you could be like a relationship, I thought I was supposed to get a pirate ship, so what do they mean by getting booty?
SARAH: That's really true. You could say…
KAYLA: Yeah, that's very good.
SARAH: I have been affected by the curse of the Black Pearl and so I can’t see my loved one except for once every 10 years but only if they stay faithful to me.
KAYLA: Hmm.
SARAH: So, there's that option. But Elizabeth Swann will stay faithful to me, but I only get to see her once every ten years, so. You know. You could tell them that you’re in a spiritual relationship with a silent Buddhist monk and when they ask you about this monk just describe Jason Mendoza from The Good Place.
KAYLA: Oh! Yeah.
SARAH: Yeah. G on you if you will
KAYLA: You could, you could be like, oh no, you've got something on your face, let me get it for you. But really, there's permanent marker in your hands, and then you draw all over their face while pretending to get something off.
SARAH: Good. I ran out of my pre-prepared ones, so all of the ones now I'm either freewheeling or thinking of as Kayla is thinking. So, you could just say, oop, got to go and run a marathon.
KAYLA: Oh.
SARAH: That's all. opp is necessary even if you're not from the Midwest.
KAYLA: Yes. You could go to the kids' table and start asking the children who they're dating, and then look at your creepy uncle and say, I bet you're uncomfortable now.
SARAH: Hmm, fun. What if he's not though?
KAYLA: Well then that's the problem.
SARAH: Okay. You could tell them that you were in this really loving, wonderful relationship, but you went to Venice, Italy together and you rented a gondola and they fell overboard and they died tragically. And it was so rude of them to bring it up and it's so difficult for you to talk about, and you miss them so much and they're just floating in Venice still to this day.
[00:30:00]
KAYLA: You could tell them that, and this is based on a real book I read, that since the beginning of time you and this person keep meeting as you keep being reincarnated in different eras, and every time you meet you fall in love and then you die right after. And so, you haven't met them yet in this reincarnation, but it's really supposed to be coming up.
SARAH: Okay. You could tell them that you are just waiting for them to cryogenically unfreeze Walt Disney because he is the one for you.
KAYLA: That's very good. You could say, oh, were you not invited to my wedding? And show them very beautiful pictures of your wedding where you were all dressed up and at the altar with you as a squirrel.
SARAH: I saw a thing on the internet where someone was like, hey, I'm looking for, this was up north in Michigan actually, they were like, hey, I'm like 23 and I'm looking for a random family to take Christmas photos with so I can send them out to my extended relatives and have them be really confused. And they did it.
KAYLA: Yikes
SARAH: It was funny.
KAYLA: I saw a TikTok where this black family for one of their Christmas cards just had a random white baby in their Christmas cards and pretended they had just adopted a random white baby.
SARAH: Nice. You could start singing I'll Be Home for Christmas and just start sobbing, weeping openly and not explain anything any further. Just let them gather what they will from that.
KAYLA: You could say that you were emailed by a very nice man in Nigeria who said… and then you fell in love and you haven't met him yet and he does keep asking you to send him money, but you really do think it's going to work out.
SARAH: You could tell them that you were called by a spammer who was claiming to be the IRS, but you got to talking and you really kind of fell in love and now you're going to become a scammer who calls people claiming to be the IRS so that you can work together.
KAYLA: You could say that recently you went on a scuba expedition for work and you met a mermaid whom you fell in love with, but no one will believe you and they won't let you go back because they think you're crazy, but it is the love of your life. And do you have a submarine I could use?
SARAH: I was talking to my family recently about how mermaids fuck.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: Anyway, you could say, I've been recently catfished and I don't want to talk about it, but my episode of Catfished will be out next month so please tune in.
KAYLA: I watched an episode of Catfished the other day. It's a very good show.
SARAH: Oh.
KAYLA: Yeah.
SARAH: That's not a thing to tell your relatives. You got to come up with something else.
KAYLA: Oh, I was just telling you.
SARAH: Yeah, well too bad.
KAYLA: Oh, sorry, I can't talk to you anymore. You could could bring out a jar and say, I'm actually collecting money for charity where every time someone asks me that, they have to give me $100.
SARAH: What charity?
KAYLA: It's for the children and give me that $100.
SARAH: For the children? Which children?
KAYLA: It's the charity for the children. The children that all those charities work for
SARAH: There actually is a charity called Save the Children.
KAYLA: It's that one. And…
SARAH: Okay. I think it's a charity, hold on. Save the Children.
KAYLA: I'm sure it is. There's no way it's not.
SARAH: Yeah, it was established in the UK in 1919 to improve the lives of children through better education, health care, and economic opportunities as well as providing emergency aid in natural disasters, war, and other conflicts. That's a good cause.
KAYLA: Just children in general. And so, you better be giving me that $100.
SARAH: Yeah, I had one and I forgot it because I got busy googling Save the Children.
KAYLA: I have another one. Do you want another one?
SARAH: Yes, please.
KAYLA: Your partner was… mysteriously went missing and died and you're actually doing an expose about it for the latest episode of Serial and I've been recording this whole time. You're my star witness.
SARAH: Nice. I remembered. Tell… just whip out some oranges and start juicing them.
KAYLA: Wait, I had one about oranges that I never said.
SARAH: Too bad. Whip out some oranges and start juicing them and just say that you're a Martha Stewart looking for your Snoop Dogg.
KAYLA: God
SARAH: And when they say Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg aren't romantically involved, say that's what you think. You're the Martha Stewart in this situation, obviously, because you're juicing some oranges.
KAYLA: You could say, oh, you didn't know I am engaged. Look at my ring. You hold out your hand, a giant donut on your finger.
SARAH: Oh, yeah. Or a ring pop.
KAYLA: I had a ring pop the other day, but it was slightly melted and old, so it ruined it. It was very sad.
SARAH: Or you could get some gummy lifesavers and cut the circulation off on your fingers by putting them on your fingers.
KAYLA: That's good. You could be like, I'm engaged. Look at my ring. Actually, I've been having trouble fitting it on my finger. Can you help me? And you make them help you shove a very tiny ring onto your finger.
SARAH: Or...
KAYLA: And then when it gets stuck, you blame it on them.
SARAH: Or, when you make them try and shove it on your finger, once they're doing it, be like, oh my god, yes! I will marry you!
KAYLA: Ooh, that's good. Or like, Uncle Carl, why are you proposing to me? Gross!
SARAH: This is inappropriate! It's Christmas!
KAYLA: I'm uncomfortable.
SARAH: It's the eighth day of Hanukkah!
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: It's Kwanzaa!
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: It's the winter solstice!
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: It's the one day from Seinfeld!
KAYLA: It's boxing day!
SARAH: What's the day from Seinfeld?
KAYLA: Oh, I don't know.
SARAH: Something to do with a metal pole, I think. I don't know.
KAYLA: Sure. Pretend that you recently lost your memory.
SARAH: Festivus.
KAYLA: Festivus. Pretend you recently lost your memory and say, oh, you must be the husband everyone has been telling me I have, and then attach yourself to them.
SARAH: Yeah. Just start reciting to them The Notebook. Just go for it fully.
KAYLA: Bring out your pocket Bible. Find the passages where…
SARAH: Is it the King James edition?
KAYLA: Yeah, and get the passages that are like, don't sex, and read those to them.
SARAH: Okay. Yeah. Alternatively, you could get out your pocket dictionary and start reading the Song of Solomon because I've been told… wait, did I say dictionary?
KAYLA: Yeah. What did you mean, bud?
SARAH: Bible.
KAYLA: Oh boy. I mean, aren't they really the same?
SARAH: Yeah. They just all have the Word of God. Start reading Song of Solomon because apparently that's the spiciest part of the Bible, so I've been told.
KAYLA: Oh. I did not know.
SARAH: Spicy as hell.
KAYLA: Oh. Walk into your family function wearing a giant, like one of those hamster balls that they let you do sports in and say you're the new Bubble Boy and how could you possibly date anyone while you're so busy being the new Bubble Boy?
SARAH: Is Bubble Boy a thing that I'm supposed to know what it is?
KAYLA: It was this boy who had a lot of diseases and could get sick very easily so he literally lived in a plastic hamster bubble.
SARAH: I see. You could tell them that you're actually dating Cole Sprouse but you're in the movie 5 Feet Apart so you can't be that close to him. And it's not like you actually have, I forget what disease they have in that, you don't actually have it, you're in the movie so you can't be that close to him so you were a little bit concerned about inviting him to Christmas.
KAYLA: That's fair. You're dating a spy from Russia.
SARAH: The spy who dumped you?
KAYLA: You're dating a spy from Russia.
SARAH: A spy dumped me
KAYLA: And they asked you not to tell anyone but just for you, Uncle Gary, you get to know. His name is Vladimir Putin.
SARAH: I was literally about to say tell them you're having an affair with Vladimir Putin.
KAYLA: Sad.
SARAH: Um, okay. You could tell them that you're seeing a ghost and sometimes he just kind of disappears because he needs to take revenge on someone. And so, he had to leave today to go kill a man who wronged him. But maybe you'll meet him at New Year's.
KAYLA: You could say you're dating a ghost, but you can only talk to them when your medium is there and your medium had to go to their Thanksgiving. So that I can't, they're here, but I cannot introduce you because I can't speak to them without my medium.
SARAH: Tell them you're dating a Ouija board.
[00:40:00]
KAYLA: Oh, that's very good. Tell them that you are dating someone, but it's a big secret because their band is getting back together, but you can’t tell them that they wear a yellow turtleneck and they love fruit salad, wink wink.
SARAH: Yummy yummy.
KAYLA: That was a… that was… yes.
SARAH: You could say that you were dating someone, but then you got really distracted just like staring directly into the sun and they left you and you're really sad and also, it's kind of hard to see now because you stare directly into the sun for a long time.
KAYLA: You could say I actually am dating someone, but he gets really busy around December 25th. He says it's like a work thing.
SARAH: What does he do?
KAYLA: Well so I don't really know. He says it's kind of like…
SARAH: Is he Santa?
KAYLA: Well, he says it's like charity kind of, but also he's kind of like a UPS guy, but he's being really shady about it.
SARAH: Does he have a lot of pets?
KAYLA: Yeah, it's really weird.
SARAH: Huh, does he have a wife?
KAYLA: I don't know, he's being really shady. I feel like I've seen him texting someone who looks like his wife, but he won't say.
SARAH: Is he constantly watching people kind of creepily?
KAYLA: Yeah, actually.
SARAH: Huh, interesting.
KAYLA: And it's like he knows everything I do.
SARAH: Yeah. Oh god. Oh no. Kayla, I just thought of something.
KAYLA: Yes?
SARAH: I don't even know that I can say it.
KAYLA: You must now, you must.
SARAH: Okay. Oh no, wait. Hold on. I can't. I would have texted to you.
KAYLA: Why can't you say it?
SARAH: You have to say it.
KAYLA: Why do I have to say it? This is horrible. It's going to be trash. Um, that's like not even funny.
SARAH: I just feel uncomfortable.
KAYLA: I thought of a different one. Okay, so Sarah said he knows if you've been bad or good. He's very good at dirty talk. What I was thinking is he can see everything you're doing, so could he watch himself having sex with someone else from like a third person perspective? Because I'm assuming that's how he watches people, as if he was somewhere else in the room, you know?
SARAH: He's omnipresent, yeah, omniscient.
KAYLA: Yeah, so that's where I went.
SARAH: I was just...
KAYLA: He could also super watch you poop all the time.
SARAH: Is that like a weird kink?
KAYLA: Maybe, I don't know, I haven't asked him.
SARAH: Maybe you should ask him, I feel like you're lacking communication.
KAYLA: Yeah...
SARAH: Like I know he's busy, but...
KAYLA: Anyway, that's mine.
SARAH: Um, let's each do one more.
KAYLA: Oh boy, okay.
SARAH: Tell him that you are in a committed relationship with the Oxford comma. And if your relatives can't respect that, then you're going to have to revoke all of your gifts. And you got them a really cool fountain pen, so don't be a bitch.
KAYLA: Oh my God. What a nerd. You're like, oh, she's right here, did you not see her? And you pull out your hair to reveal this giant, disgusting knot. And inside is living a bird, who's nesting in your hair.
SARAH: I actually have one more. Take off your hat to reveal Remy the rat, who controls all of your actions.
KAYLA: Yes, that's very good.
SARAH: Great. Okay, well these are all really great options.
KAYLA: Yes.
SARAH: For if family comes after you asking about your relationship status. What's our poll for this week?
KAYLA: Oh, God. Who can say?
SARAH: We could do what is the best one, but here's the thing.
KAYLA: I don't remember any of them.
SARAH: Even the ones I had written down, I deleted because there was a lot of things on this note and I was...
KAYLA: What if while you're editing this, you write down the best ones?
SARAH: Okay, fine.
KAYLA: So, there will be a poll.
SARAH: It'll be a surprise.
KAYLA: It's just a secret for now.
SARAH: It'll be a surprise.
KAYLA: Woo!
SARAH: What is your beef and juice?
KAYLA: We like just did this.
SARAH: I know. I'm prepared.
KAYLA: My beef is the movie The Last Christmas, which while you're listening to this, I watched it like three weeks ago, but it made me sad. Like I was already having a bad mental health weekend and then I watched it and it made me very sad.
SARAH: You hate to see it.
KAYLA: Um, my other beef is that my cat keeps scratching at my couch. Oh, also I have to fly with my cat soon. By the time you're listening to this, I already did, but I haven't yet. And I'm really worried that she's going to get really mad at me and start hating people because of it.
SARAH: Sad. Your juice?
KAYLA: My juice is spinach artichoke dip.
SARAH: That is not new.
KAYLA: And I ate it.
SARAH: Kayla is down spinach artichoke dip.
KAYLA: I truly, I have one of the giant ones from Costco right now and there is very little left.
SARAH: I have gotten that from Costco for you before.
KAYLA: Yes, I eat it a lot.
SARAH: Okay, so my juice, so this episode as we've mentioned multiple times is being pre-recorded which means that as I speak I have not been to New York City to see a bunch of Broadway musicals yet. But by the time this will be out, it will have happened like a week ago.
KAYLA: Ooh, are you seeing Moulin Rouge?
SARAH: Yes.
KAYLA: I'm also seeing it in December.
SARAH: Oh my god, well I'm going to see it first so take that.
KAYLA: Don't chew on that! That's so bad, that's a cord. I'll kill you.
SARAH: Don't kill your cat.
KAYLA: She's going to kill herself if she bites a cord and gets electrocuted.
SARAH: Oh boy. Anyway, I have reason to assume that all of the shows I'm seeing are going to be amazing because I've already seen this cast of The Lightning Thief perform on tour so I know that's great. I may or may not have seen a bootleg of the London iteration of Hadestown. Serenata!
KAYLA: Ooh, Sarah
SARAH: Oh, I may or may not have seen a bootleg of Beetlejuice on Broadway. And although I haven't seen Moulin Rouge on…
KAYLA: No, Beetlejuice is big on TikTok.
SARAH: Yeah, it's because Presley Ryan is in the cast.
KAYLA: Anyway.
SARAH: Presley Ryan is a cast member who is a big TikTok user because she's 15. And so, I haven't seen Moulin Rouge on stage but it stars Aaron Tivet and Karen Olivo so it has to be good And also I have already discussed in a previous episode my love for the surprise Whitney Houston in the show. So, there's that. So, I'm going to preemptively say that that's my juice. My Beetlejuice, if you will. Also, my juice is that I get to go on this trip. It's basically like my birthday slash part of my Christmas gift because I was like I don't want things. I just want to go see shows. So, I’m very grateful for that. Also, juice is telling the people you care about that you care about that. I don't do that.
KAYLA: When do you ever… hold on
SARAH: And I would be really uncomfortable if it happened to me.
KAYLA: You will literally never say that.
SARAH: But I think it's good. I'm not saying I do it or that I would be comfortable with it.
KAYLA: This is so hypocritical.
SARAH: As I mentioned in last week's episode, also known as an hour ago, I'm a hypocrite.
KAYLA: This is literally blasphemous. You've never said anything nice to me and then you come on my podcast and you say these things.
SARAH: Kayla, I hate you.
KAYLA: I knew it.
SARAH: I also think that this segment of the podcast is good because, okay, listen, I'm not really sure how much listeners like it, but I don't care. Because I think it's great and it's healthy to talk about things we love and it's good that we have to do it every week. And I think we've both gotten better at it and evolved because it used to be just beef and now, we mostly do juice. And don't do as much beef. But also, as an obsessive person, it gives me space to shamelessly talk about my obsessions. And I think that's good for me.
KAYLA: I agree.
SARAH: Especially when I don't have friends who share those interests, period.
KAYLA: So, there's a podcast called Wonderful where literally the whole premise of the podcast is they choose like three or like two things that they just like really… Ma'am. They choose two things that they really like and then they do big segments on them of doing a bunch of research and just talking about them. And I feel like you need that podcast… You need to host that podcast.
SARAH: Yeah. My beef is that... Okay. At the time that this comes out I will have gone to New York and the Rockefeller Centre Christmas tree will have not been lit up yet and like, yeah, I get that it's just a big tree and it's kind of a tourist trap, but I won't lie and say I didn't want to see it.
KAYLA: My family is going to New York in December specifically so we can do all of the Christmas things and I'm very excited. We're seeing the Rockettes Christmas.
SARAH: I used to know someone who was... no, I do know someone who used to be a Rockette.
KAYLA: That's exciting.
SARAH: Yeah. Now she has a child.
KAYLA: Ew.
SARAH: I know. But yeah, the tree is going to be up and the star is going to be on it, but it's not going to be lit.
KAYLA: I have another juice.
[00:50:00]
SARAH: Okay.
KAYLA: We recently got a very exciting opportunity.
SARAH: True.
KAYLA: That... I'm being one of those annoying people. I don't care.
SARAH: Yeah, you are.
KAYLA: I don't care. That is really cool, and it's a really cool thing that this person is doing. And...
SARAH: My clue to you about this thing is that in last week's episode, I used a word that I wouldn't normally use because of this thing that happened.
KAYLA: Oh, I also started using it while we were talking, and I was like, aren't I a fancy lad?
SARAH: And it is a word that is related to our podcast from two episodes ago, so do that fucking math.
KAYLA: From two episodes? Wait, wait, now I'm confused.
SARAH: We're thinking the same word. Update. Me and Kayla were talking about different things.
KAYLA: But they were both relevant, and it's fine.
SARAH: But both relevant. Mine is related to a… mine I said in last week's episode, which as a reminder, now doesn't exist. So, good luck figuring that out. And it relates to our episode from two weeks ago, so do some sleuthing.
KAYLA: But also, by the time this comes out, we might have already been talking about it.
SARAH: That's very true. Who knows? Alright, well, internet @SoundsFakePod, we're everywhere. If you want to support us on Patreon, patreon.com/soundsfakepod. I hope our patrons don't change in the next two weeks because…
KAYLA: Me too.
SARAH: Alright, our $2 patrons. You know what actually would be a really great Christmas present for someone is becoming a patron to our podcast in their name. I'm just saying.
KAYLA: Or getting them some nice merch.
SARAH: That’s true
KAYLA: I know some people who have gotten merch as gifts to themselves or pre-getting Christmas gifts for others. So…
SARAH: So many cows, all sorts of fun stuff.
KAYLA: Yes
SARAH: Our $2 patrons are Keith McBlaine, Roxanne, AliceisinSpace, Anonymous, Mariah Walter, Jonathan, Christopher T Verdieri, Patrick Jackson, Andrew Yang, Ninny, Courtney Jones, Eric B, Amanda Jentinon, and Maddie. We have a new $2 patron, Zachary Hayes. I recorded a little blurb for you before because your patronage came in after we recorded, so I recorded a little blurb. But I lost that file too when I deleted everything. So, thank you Zachary. We appreciate you. Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Astritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Drew Finney, Perry Fiero, Dee, Megan Rowell, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, Tim, Ryan Lutcietti, BookMarvel, and ChangelingMX. Our $10 patrons are Kevin and Tessa @dirtyunclekevin @Tessa_ M_K, Arcness who would like to promote the Trevor Project, Benjamin Ybarra who would like to promote Tabletop Games, Anonymous who would like to promote Spooky Halloween, Sarah McCoy who would like to promote a podcast Promote a Planet Weird, and my aunt Jeannie who would like to promote Christopher's Haven. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White, Nathanieljwhitedesigns.com, my mom Julie who would like to promote Free Mom Hugs, Sarah Jones who is @Eternalloli Everywhere, and Dragonfly who would like to promote the fact that having to read through these patrons twice in one night is exhausting but we love you
KAYLA: Imagine how tired we are. We do
SARAH: We love you and we thank you for your contributions. I hope everyone uses these tactics in the coming holiday season.
KAYLA: Please let us know if you use any of these.
SARAH: Thanks for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears.
KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows.
[END OF TRANSCRIPT]