Sounds Fake But Okay

Ep 142: Reasons NOT to Have Sex

July 26, 2020 Sounds Fake But Okay
Sounds Fake But Okay
Ep 142: Reasons NOT to Have Sex
Show Notes Transcript

Hey what's up hello! A couple of episodes ago, we talked about all of the reasons people choose to have sex. This week, we give you some excuses to use if you want to say no to sex.

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[00:00:00]

SARAH: Hey, what's up? Hello. Welcome to Sounds Fake But Okay, a podcast where an aro-ace girl, I'm Sarah, that's me. 

KAYLA: And a demi-straight girl, that's me, Kayla. 

SARAH: Talk about all things to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and pretty much anything else we just don't understand. 

KAYLA: On today's episode, reasons to not have sex. 

BOTH: Sounds Fake But Okay. 

[Intro Music]

SARAH: Welcome back to the pod. 

KAYLA: M’umps? 

SARAH: Oh. 

KAYLA: Yeah. 

SARAH: What about m’easels? 

KAYLA: Well, now you're… see, you do this, is that you just, like, take them, and the more you do, the more M words you use, the less there's going to be for another time, Sarah. 

SARAH: I mean, there are a lot of M words. 

KAYLA: I don't know about that. I don't. 

SARAH: M’ardron. 

KAYLA: Stop. 

SARAH: M’illiterate prowess. 

KAYLA: I'm going to leave the podcast, you bitch. 

SARAH: I mean m'orning. 

KAYLA: No. 

SARAH: Well, I mean, the kids have noticed that I have just started saying M’ things, much to everyone's dismay, including my own, so. 

KAYLA: I don't think it's… I think it's only to your dismay. I think everyone else is quite pleased about it. Except me, maybe. I think I might be pissed about it. 

SARAH: Yeah, because I'm just taking your, uh… 

KAYLA: You’re taking my fame. You hated it for so long, and now you stole it. 

SARAH: I was trying to think of a word that started with M that means, like, word or vocabulary, and I couldn't think of one. I was going to say I've stolen your m’ vocabulary. 

KAYLA: My m'ojo. 

SARAH: Okay. 

KAYLA: Okay. 

SARAH: Okay. Kayla, we have some, um, some things to go over before we go into the pod today, right? 

KAYLA: Yeah, I was trying to think of an M’ word for announcement, and I couldn't. Some m’ajor news! D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d. Yeah, let's do some announcements, and I think maybe some cryptic announcements just for fun to bother people. 

SARAH: M’ystery. 

KAYLA: Some m’ystery… some m’ysteries. Okay, first announcement. Next week is our birthday question mark? 

SARAH: Period. 

KAYLA: Period. Exclamation mark. 

SARAH: It’s our birthday, period. 

KAYLA: Exclamation point. On July 31st, so we're celebrating… 

SARAH: We're turning three! 

KAYLA: We're turning three! 

SARAH: We can toddle around. 

KAYLA: Yes. We're pretty chubby. 

SARAH: And we're potty trained? 

KAYLA: I have no idea. We can do some sentences maybe. I don't understand children. So yeah, July 31st, we're turning three. So, to celebrate, we're having a very chill livestream where we just hang out. Not like the last livestream, very similar to the other livestreams we've done where we're just sitting and not having 25,000 guests on. So don't expect anything too much, but you can come hang out with us and just chill and ask us questions or talk with us. I don't know. 

SARAH: Come talk to us, ask us things, make us sing you a song. 

KAYLA: That would be fun. 

SARAH: I'm not inviting people to ask us to sing a song. 

KAYLA: Well, you just did, though. 

SARAH: My voice is probably really bad right now. 

KAYLA: Yeah, mine's pretty bad. Okay, so that's announcement one. Announcement two is... Let's see. We are only three dollars away from hitting our next Patreon goal, which is to start transcribing and being able to pay people to help us transcribe podcast episodes. 

SARAH: Indeed. 

KAYLA: So, if you want to up your Patreon thing by a dollar or just give us three dollars a month, if you've been sitting on wanting to do it for a while and you haven't, now is your time. You could be the hero that brings us to the goal

SARAH: Be the hero that brings us accessibility. 

KAYLA: Yes. So that's two. So patreon.com/soundsfakepod, that's announcement two. The third mysterious announcement is that there's exciting things coming up. 

SARAH: Oh, are we just going to be cryptic like that? 

KAYLA: Well, I was going to say that we're doing a guest. 

SARAH: We are doing a guest. 

KAYLA: I don't know if we will... well, do we want to be more specific? 

SARAH: No. 

KAYLA: Okay. We're not doing... not every episode in August will have a guest, but way more than usual. So, a half, perhaps? 

SARAH: Well, there's actually going to be five episodes in August just because of the way the month falls. And the way we have it planned, currently three of them are going to have guests. 

KAYLA: So, so many guests. So, be ready for exciting times in August. 

SARAH: Indeed. Oh, yes. 

KAYLA: That's all. 

SARAH: Okay, cool. So, Kayla, what are we talking about this week? 

KAYLA: This week, we're doing the opposite of what we did, what, like two weeks ago? Because, for several reasons. One, we've had requests to do more silly episodes because people are like... 

SARAH: You brought this onto yourselves. 

KAYLA: People are like, you want them, we want them, the world is burning, please give us lightheartedness. And we said, great, we like those episodes better anyway. 

SARAH: That's our favorite. 

KAYLA: Our favorite. And two, there was a tweet that has been going around that Sarah found. And it's this pamphlet of ways and excuses to say no to sex other than just the word no. 

SARAH: Yeah, it's for teenagers and adolescents of like, how to say no to sex before... Because premarital sex is bad or whatever. And someone posted about it on Twitter and some of them are incredible ways to say no. So, we decided we would list some for you. This works for ace people who may not want to have sex. It works for anyone, really in any situation. But I think before we go into our own, I would like to read off some of the gems from this actual real pamphlet. 

KAYLA: I wish you would. There's some very, very good ones.

SARAH: There are some very good ones. One that's great is just the, “I can't support a child.” 

KAYLA: Which is just not how anything works. 

SARAH: I mean, someone could get pregnant and you could end up having to support a child. But my favorite take on this, I think it's especially good if the proposition is for queer sex. Because the person will be like, literally it's impossible to end up with a child because of this. 

KAYLA: You know like I can’t 

SARAH: And you just need to look them in the eye and say, I'm not ready to be a parent louder and louder until they no longer want to have sex with you. 

KAYLA: That's fair. 

SARAH: Yeah. Another good one that was on the pamphlet itself just says, “I have a sunburn.” 

KAYLA: But that's a good reason though. For real. 

SARAH: It's iconic. I mean, here's the question. Is the sunburn on your bits? Is it like a general sunburn that's prohibiting sex? Because both are valid. 

KAYLA: Because really anywhere that the sunburn is, if it's like a bad sunburn, you don't want anyone touching you anywhere near it. 

SARAH: No 

KAYLA: It's so painful. 

SARAH: No. 

KAYLA: On your bits. 

SARAH: Not at all. I mean, maybe someone was doing that thing where they're like, I'm going to sun my asshole because that makes me healthier. 

KAYLA: That's not a real thing. 

SARAH: Yes, it is. 

KAYLA: No one suns their asshole. 

SARAH: Oh, look it up. 

KAYLA: I will not. 

SARAH: Okay, another good one from the pamphlet is, “if you loved me, you wouldn't ask.” Which is… that sends me. 

KAYLA: But that doesn't really make sense. 

SARAH: I think the implication is that the person who is propositioning the other person knows that the propositionee is not going to have premarital sex or whatever. And they're in a relationship with each other. 

KAYLA: I mean, with the context, yes, but outside of the context, it doesn't make sense. 

SARAH: To be fair, the framework of this context is context that I have placed onto it. There was no context in the pamphlet. 

KAYLA: I mean yes but… I just. I just. 

SARAH: That's me. Another good one from the pamphlet is, I'm allergic to sex, which is also me. 

KAYLA: That's I think, the best one. Because what does that mean at all? 

SARAH: Well, you could try and be like, I'm allergic to latex, because I can't use a condom, but then they might just be like, ah, then we won't. 

KAYLA: Yeah. 

SARAH: And that's not good. 

KAYLA: What part of the sex do you think they're allergic to? 

SARAH: Um, I mean, my instinct was to just say the penis, but I mean, that's not all sex is with a penis. 

KAYLA: Or they could be the one with the penis. 

SARAH: Or they could be the one with the penis. 

KAYLA: And if you're allergic to a penis when you have a penis, I can't imagine the agony you face every day. 

SARAH: Yeah, I'm so sorry. I think they're just allergic to sex. 

KAYLA: Okay. 

SARAH: Another good one is, “I want to be loved, not make love.” 

KAYLA: That's... no. Nope. 

[00:10:00]

SARAH: The last one that I thought was excellent from the pamphlet, which was actually someone replied to this tweet with a picture of some of the ones that were cut off in the picture from the original tweet. And this one said, “with all the diseases going around?” 

KAYLA: That's just... that's right, that's spot on. 

SARAH: Absolutely spot on. So those are some of the gems from this post, and we thought we'd expand upon that. Kayla, do you want to start us off? 

KAYLA: Oh man. My first one is that you have some dough for bread proofing, and it is very... If you watched British Bake Off with me, Jeremy, you would know that that's very time sensitive, and I don't have time for that right now. I need to watch my bread. 

SARAH: Yeah, like you could get distracted and not time it right. 

KAYLA: And that's... then you'd have to start over. 

SARAH: You don't want to have to reproof all that bread. 

KAYLA: No. 

SARAH: I think another way to say no is to just look the person in the eye and say, look, I'm pregnant. And pregnant people can have sex, it's true. But my unborn child really doesn't like you, and they will try to kick relentlessly until we stop. So, I just can't. And then if the person is like, okay, you don't look visibly pregnant, then you could be like, what do you mean? The embryo in there is the size of a bean, but it can still kick. This kid really fucking hates you. 

KAYLA: Huh. 

SARAH: The wrath of a child. 

KAYLA: You don't think they would question like, when did you get pregnant? Like, I'm assuming this is someone you have some kind of relationship with in some way. 

SARAH: Who knows? You could also be a man giving this reason, as a person without a uterus, and I think it would work just as well. 

KAYLA: You could say that you just got a bikini wax and you're very sore and sensitive. 

SARAH: It's spicy down there. 

KAYLA: It's too… 

SARAH: And not in a good way. 

KAYLA: It's too spicy, you would get hurt. 

SARAH: I would get hurt. Everyone would get hurt. Another one that's kind of similar to the brad-proofing is just to tell them, you know, my Nook's Cranny closes in like five minutes and I really need to sell my turnips otherwise they'll rot. 

KAYLA: Similar to that, you might be in the middle of a bean exchange on Animal Crossing and it would be rude to be like, Sarah is on my island right now…

SARAH: Selling my beans 

KAYLA: She's selling her beans, she needs to water my flowers, I need to hit her with my net. It would be very rude if I just left her. 

SARAH: Yeah. Like I would be like, alright, bye. Or maybe I'll just be like, I'm going to catch all your sharks before I go since you've obviously abandoned me. 

KAYLA: That would suck, I want my sharks. 

SARAH: I want your sharks too. 

KAYLA: Well, too bad! 

SARAH: Another one would be, you know, saying I'm actually an alien being in a skin suit and my genitalia is incompatible with yours. I am so sorry. 

KAYLA: I'm so sorry. That's very good. Man, no, that doesn't work. I was going to say you have, like, a Ken doll body in you're smooth down there, but you don't need genitals to have sex. 

SARAH: What if you are smooth down there and the other person also is smooth down there and they just don't know it? 

KAYLA: Why would I know? Why would... 

SARAH: Maybe you have this power where anyone you get closer than six feet to suddenly doesn't have genitalia anymore. 

KAYLA: I would love that power. 

SARAH: I would, I mean, now is the time to be apart from people by at least six feet, but I might risk it just so that fewer men would have dicks. 

KAYLA: No one has genitals. 

SARAH: Well, I was going to cut that out because you didn't really say anything, but then I think I really turned that around. 

KAYLA: Now we have to keep it. We simply must. 

SARAH: Alright, you got to go. You didn't really, that was me. You got to come up with something else. 

KAYLA: I have to eat spaghetti. 

SARAH: Yeah. Yeah. This one requires a bit of a… can I have you pretend to be the person who's propositioning me for sex? 

KAYLA: Sure. 

SARAH: Say… just ask me for sex. 

KAYLA: Hey, can I have some sex? 

SARAH: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't speak that language. Like, I tried to learn sex on Duolingo, but it's just not for me. 

KAYLA: That's so stupid. That's so dumb. Okay, now you ask me if you can have some sex. 

SARAH: Hey, little lady, can I have some sex? 

KAYLA: I'm fresh out, sorry. 

SARAH: Oh no. 

KAYLA: Oh no, my stock is empty. New shipment doesn't come in for two weeks. Sorry. 

SARAH: Oh no. 

KAYLA: Oh no. 

SARAH: Oh no. My mom said I can't. 

KAYLA: That's a very good one. 

SARAH: She just said I can't, and I really respect my mom, so I can't do it. I'm sorry. 

KAYLA: And I also, when I asked my mom, she actually called your mom too. 

SARAH: Yeah. 

KAYLA: And your mom also said that you can't. 

SARAH: So? 

KAYLA: So? Uh, I have to rewind all of these balls of yarn that my cat undid. It's going to take a very long time. 

SARAH: Unfortunate. Yeah. Yeah, another reason would be, uh, look, I am on deadline for my novel, Steven. I just don't have time. 

KAYLA: That's fair. 

SARAH: Respect my career, Steven. 

KAYLA: Steven! Um, maybe I'm just really stinky. 

SARAH: Oh. 

KAYLA: I'm just really stinky. 

SARAH: Just be like, I smell real fucking bad. 

KAYLA: I'm just really stinky. 

SARAH: I don't want this. My chicken is escaping from its coop! 

KAYLA: Oh my god. You have to go get it. 

SARAH: I got to go find it. 

KAYLA: You have to go get it. 

SARAH: His name is Darnell and I love him so much. 

KAYLA: Darnell. Oh no. Um, I actually just signed up for a rodeo and, um, I mean it's going to be really embarrassing if I don't show up because my arch nemesis is there and I need to beat him... 

SARAH: Oh my God 

KAYLA: So, I mean I have to go it's in like two minutes. 

SARAH: Yeah. Yeah. I'm wearing a suit of armor that I can't, it can't come off. So, like there's like you're not going to be able to get, it's not going to work like the logistics just aren't. They're not there. 

KAYLA: Just can't. 

SARAH: I just can't. 

KAYLA: Sarah, can you ask me for some sex? 

SARAH: Hey young lady. Can I get some sex? 

KAYLA: Let me just roll a d20 first. I critically failed I can't sorry. Nice. 

SARAH: Okay

KAYLA: That one's for the nerds. 

SARAH: When you said you needed a prop I was like they're not going to be able to see it. 

KAYLA: They'll hear it. 

SARAH: Okay. Ask me to sex. 

KAYLA: Hi would you… excuse me. Would you like to sex me? 

SARAH: Actually, I don't think you're good enough at sex to meet my standards. 

KAYLA: Oh. 

SARAH: So. 

KAYLA: So, no? 

SARAH:  I'm going to have to decline. 

KAYLA: Maybe you just pretend to be a sex worker and your rate is one million dollars an hour. 

SARAH: Mm. Yeah. 

KAYLA: And then they don't have… I mean they don't have that. And if they do…

SARAH: Fork it over. 

KAYLA: And if they do then I don't know. Maybe I would have sex with them. 

SARAH: If they do… if they're willing to pay that much for sex they're really horny. 

KAYLA: Yeah, that's a lot of horniness to be happening. 

SARAH: It a lot 

KAYLA: Or they're like Jeff Beesbos. 

SARAH: Jeff… say that again? 

KAYLA: Jeff Beesbos? You've never heard me call him that before. 

SARAH: No! 

KAYLA: That's what I call him. Jeff Beesbos. 

SARAH: Okay, good to know. I've run out of things on my list. 

KAYLA: Welcome. 

SARAH: Well, actually the suit of armor one wasn't on my list but it just came to me. Oh, so like I have a lot of stuffed animals in my room and they'll be watching us and like I just like don't feel comfortable with them seeing that. But also, I will not have sex with you anywhere else because I need their emotional support. So, I… my stuffed animals, I can't make them watch that. 

KAYLA: No, they're too young, too pure. 

SARAH: They're too young. 

[00:20:00]

KAYLA: I actually am haunted by a demon and so… but the only way to get rid of it is for me to have sex. So actually, I would love to have sex with you. I just need you to know that you will become possessed by a demon. So, let's go. 

SARAH: Yeah. Okay. So, I'm actually a ghost, which means if you try and have sex with me, if you try and grab me, you'll just go right through me. It's physically not possible for me to have sex with a non-ghost being. So, you're on your own. 

KAYLA: I have a nut allergy. 

SARAH: I hate you. That's so upsetting. 

KAYLA: But it was very good and funny. 

SARAH: That was excellent. 

KAYLA: Thank you. Oh, I have another one, can I say it goes with it? 

SARAH:  Yeah, go for it. 

KAYLA: I have a gluten allergy and those cakes are too big. 

SARAH: I got to go. 

KAYLA: I'm so funny. There's a lactose intolerant one in there somewhere but I'm not going to do it. 

SARAH: Oh yeah there is. 

KAYLA: I'll let you. We can be done. 

SARAH: I'll let y'all's imaginations just go wild on that one. 

KAYLA: You can do that one at home. 

SARAH: I can't have sex with you. I am under quarantine because of COVID and I am not going to try and spread COVID out to the world because that would be rude and disrespectful and... 

KAYLA: Irresponsible. 

SARAH: Irresponsible and I just can't do that. 

KAYLA: No. 

SARAH: Another reason is maybe you are willing to have sex with them but you're not willing to take your mask off. No, you don't have to use your mouth in sexing, but it's really important to you that you do. And since you can't take…

KAYLA: You just can’t

SARAH: Your mask off for safety reasons, there's just no way. 

KAYLA: You just can't. Actually, the reason I came here, George, is to tell you that we're actually siblings. We have the same long-lost dad, and so no, I'm not going to have sex with you, because that's weird. But I can't take my pants off. I put these skinny jeans on this morning, and then I went to a buffet, and I went to the Cheesecake Factory, and I gained a lot of… I’m really bloated, I gained a lot of weight, and these pants will not be coming off today. 

SARAH: Yeah, another pants problem that you could have is, maybe it's April Fool's Day, and a friend of yours decided to prank you by putting gorilla glue on the inside of your pants. 

KAYLA: Oh my god. 

SARAH: And so, you physically cannot take your pants off without ripping your skin off. 

KAYLA: Maybe. Well, how a couple episodes ago I was like, maybe you would have sex because you're physically empty. Maybe you are just physically full. 

SARAH: Full 

KAYLA: There's no room left to even kiss someone because then a little bit of their lip would be in your mouth. There's just simply no way. I'm so I'm full. I'm stuffed. 

SARAH: Mm. Now, this next reason is both something I'm directing at Kayla, but also an excuse you could use to not have sex. You want to know what it is? 

KAYLA: No. 

SARAH: I simply hate you. 

KAYLA: Oh. 

SARAH: So, keep that one in mind. 

KAYLA: I went to the park with some of my friends and we did that thing where you get in those big hamster balls and play soccer. I got stuck in mine, so as you can see, I'm just in this big inflatable ball and you can't come in because the zipper broke, so 

SARAH: Yeah. 

KAYLA: You can’t 

SARAH: Yeah, I can't have sex with you because every time… I was cursed by a witch when I was a child, and so every time someone gets near my bits I turn into a bird. 

KAYLA: Bits? What if my reason is that my bits are a bird? 

SARAH: I am so sorry. I have to go because I hate you. 

KAYLA: No, you need cheating now. You're cheating. 

SARAH: That was my response to what you said. 

KAYLA: Well, you're cheating. 

SARAH: I hated that. 

KAYLA: What if instead this episode is ways to quit your podcast? I can't do this podcast anymore. My bits are birds. My bits are birds. I can't do a podcast. 

SARAH: My bits are birds. 

KAYLA: My bits are birds. I would wear that t-shirt. 

SARAH: My... tongue... 

KAYLA: Is bird. 

SARAH: Is bird. I was going to say my tongue.

KAYLA: Ew, imagine that your face is like a cuckoo clock and every time you open your mouth the whole bird is just there. 

SARAH: Why would you say that? My tongue is... I had to chop it off because it got… in a previous sex encounter it got stuck to someone. And I had to cut it off and so I can't do this podcast anymore. 

KAYLA: Oh, no. Oh, we're really just changing this whole episode. 

SARAH: Oh yeah, no, I just thought of the concept of removing a tongue because it got stuck. 

KAYLA: Were you like having sex with like a cold flagpole? How did your tongue get stuck? 

SARAH: I don't know. Maybe there was a weird piercing that involved and it didn't turn out well. 

KAYLA: Oh no. 

SARAH: I know that there's an episode of Sex Sent Me to the ER where a man and a woman who were sexing and the man had recently gotten a piercing on his peen… 

KAYLA: Nope 

SARAH: And his peen got stuck. 

KAYLA: How did they get to the hospital? 

SARAH: I don't remember. 

KAYLA: Like how do you get in the car? 

SARAH: They had to like… I think they had to like call an ambulance. 

KAYLA: Oh my god. 

SARAH: Anyway. 

KAYLA: I think I've told this story... 

SARAH: Anyway, back to how to say no to sex. Anyway, what? 

KAYLA: I feel like I've told this story on the podcast floor but I do know someone that got a concussion during sex. 

SARAH: A way to say no to sex. I'm so sorry, I can't right now. I got a concussion last time I had sex and I'm just worried about it flaring up again. 

KAYLA: That's fair. I can't because I recently fell into a huge vat of thumbtacks. And so, as you can see, my whole body just is covered in thumbtacks sticking out of me. So, I don't know where you would even touch me to do sex. 

SARAH: Yeah, and I'm in a lot of pain. 

KAYLA: I am also in pain. 

SARAH: Yeah. I'm actually a centaur. And so, I just... this isn't going to work. I know I don't look like a centaur, but it's because my bottom half is hidden in a magic wheelchair. That if I get out of, I become a centaur. And it's... well, I'm always a centaur, but you can see that I'm a centaur. And so, it's just not going to work. 

KAYLA: Mm-hmm 

SARAH: Alternatively, I am half cyborg, and there's just like... there are no sex bits down there because I'm a robot and why would you need them? 

KAYLA: I feel like people definitely have sex with robots, though. 

SARAH: But my brand of robot? 

KAYLA: My brand. 

SARAH: Doesn't. Because like, I mean, they don't need to have sex to reproduce, so the only reason why a robot would be able to have sex is if it was designed so that people could have sex with it. 

KAYLA: I guess

SARAH: And that's just not what I was designed for. 

KAYLA: I am incredibly sticky. So, if we do have sex, we are going to be literally stuck together. Maybe forever. So just something to keep in mind. 

SARAH: Yeah, I'm really cold, so it just wouldn't work. 

KAYLA: I don't, I got to be honest, Sarah, I don't think that's a good reason. 

SARAH: I'm just really cold. I don't think it would work. 

KAYLA: No. 

SARAH: I'm really cold, Kayla. 

KAYLA: But we said in the last episode that… 

SARAH: I'm really cold. 

KAYLA: I feel like you being very warm would almost be better. 

SARAH: I will set on fire if someone touches me. Like physically. 

KAYLA: Oh my. 

SARAH: A flame. 

KAYLA: I… 

[00:30:00]

SARAH: Sorry. 

KAYLA: What's that book where the girl didn't eat her lima beans and she turned rainbow? 

SARAH: I don't know what it's called. 

KAYLA: Do you know what I'm talking about though? 

SARAH: Yeah, it sounds familiar. 

KAYLA: Yeah, I have that. So. 

SARAH: So, you're a rainbow? 

KAYLA: I… yeah. 

SARAH: Or your skin is rainbow and because of that you can't have sex? 

KAYLA: Yeah, so I didn't eat my lima beans so my skin turned rainbow and now I can't have sex. 

SARAH: No, but technically your genitalia would still be there. 

KAYLA: You don't know what the lima bean did Sarah 

SARAH: Oh, I'm sorry to not acknowledge what you went through with that lima bean. I'm actually a figment of your imagination. 

KAYLA: Mm

SARAH: So 

KAYLA: I am a time traveler who just came back here so if we had sex it would really mess some things up. 

SARAH: Yeah. Also, I'm your son. So, let's not do that.

KAYLA: Ah, funny. 

SARAH: I am a lamp. 

KAYLA: Uh-huh. 

SARAH: That's all. What's your next one? 

KAYLA: My next one is that... I… my name is Junie B. Jones, and the B stands for Bitch, Don't Touch Me. So. All I'm saying is that this episode is ripe with content for the out of context Twitter. 

SARAH: I can't have sex with you because like Aphrodite, I was... why did I pronounce that so weird? Aphrodite. 

KAYLA: Like Aphrodite. 

SARAH: Aphrodite. Like Aphrodite, I was born via sea foam and I just kind of emerged from the water. And the sea foam didn't think to give me genitalia because they gave it to Aphrodite and Aphrodite kind of took it to an extreme. And so, they were like, maybe this isn't... maybe we shouldn't. And so, they didn't give me any genitalia so I can't. 

KAYLA: Well, okay, but we have established that you don't need genitalia to have sex. 

SARAH: Oh, you're right. 

KAYLA: Well, maybe the reason is you're... no wait, that doesn't work. Never mind. 

SARAH: I'm actually just an incongruous blob of sea foam. 

KAYLA: Okay. Don't even have hands. 

SARAH: No. No hands, no mouth, no nothing. 

KAYLA: Nothing to... no appendages to do anything with. 

SARAH: No. 

KAYLA: I am made of paper and I will give you a paper cut and I don't want to do that to you. 

SARAH: Also, what if the paper got wet? 

KAYLA: That... I would disintegrate and die, so... 

SARAH: You want to kill this person via sex? I don't think so. 

KAYLA: I don't think so. I had another idea. It's very good. I have a penis and that is how I prefer to have sex. But like a bee, who after they sting someone they die. If I use... if I sting someone with my penis I die. And I'm not ready. 

SARAH: I'm not ready to die. 

KAYLA: I don't think your sex would be good enough. I'm sorry, but I don't think you'd be good enough to be worth dying over. 

SARAH: No. One of the ones on the original tweet was like, it's not worth it. And a bunch of people in the replies were like, honestly that one's pretty savage. 

KAYLA: That one is. I mean, that is a good one. 

SARAH: You're not worth it. Yeah, you're not worth it. I'm stealing it. It's mine now. 

KAYLA: Oh, okay. Was that your answer? 

SARAH: Yeah, but I have another one. 

KAYLA: Okay. 

SARAH: Um, I turn into a gargoyle when I get nervous, and I'm like pretty nervous about this whole sex thing, and so like I'm going to turn into a gargoyle as soon as it gets hot and heavy, and that's like not really conducive to sex. 

KAYLA: I went and saw a fortune teller, and she told me that if I have sex, that I am going to get cursed, and so is all my family, so I'm not really looking to do that. 

SARAH: Yeah, I had a palm reader tell me that if I have sex, Donald Trump is going to win reelection, and I can't risk that. I really can't risk that. She may have been a fraud, she may not have been, but I just can't take that risk. 

KAYLA: I read my horoscope this morning, and on the meter, you know, where it's like money is good today, success is like 50%, the love and sex meter was at like 0%. And I've had a lot of people tell me recently that horoscopes aren't real, and so I don't want to do anything to kind of invalidate that, because that's what I've kind of built my whole life and business on. So, I can't. I just can't do that. 

SARAH: Yeah. Yeah, no, I can't have sex with you because I'm just thinking about my dog, and 

KAYLA: That would be weird 

SARAH: I just like, it would be so weird. I can't have sex with you while I'm thinking about my dog. But my dog matters a lot to me and I will keep thinking about it. So, no. 

KAYLA: We are in the middle of Disney World, so. 

SARAH: Oh man. 

KAYLA: I don't know if we can. 

SARAH: I mean you can't even walk and eat in Disney World right now. 

KAYLA: No, we can't. So, we just can't. I mean, what are we? we can't. 

SARAH: You want to spread even more coronavirus around Disney? 

KAYLA: No. 

SARAH: No 

KAYLA: Oh, I have another one. 

SARAH: Do it. 

KAYLA: I am an NBA player and I live in the Disney Resort bubble. 

SARAH: In the Disney Sports Complex. 

KAYLA: Yes, and if I leave, I have to quarantine for two weeks and I miss my big basketball game. 

SARAH: I can't miss the big basketball game. 

KAYLA: And I can't miss the big basketball game. 

SARAH: I can't. 

KAYLA: I can't miss the big basketball game. 

SARAH: Yeah. Oh my god. My chicken finally came back to the coop. Darnell? Darnell is back. I have to greet him. 

KAYLA: I thought something actually happened and like you realized you hadn't been recording this whole time or something. 

SARAH: No, I'm just an actor. 

KAYLA: I fucking hate you. 

SARAH: Darnell came back, Kayla. 

KAYLA: I'm so happy for you. 

SARAH: Thank you. I missed him. 

KAYLA: I'm going to be late for second period. And last time I was late, Mrs. Johnson gave me a detention and my parents took away my phone. So, I need that to run my Instagram. So. 

SARAH: For a second, I didn't make the connection between losing your phone and running the Instagram. I was like, what does not having sex and going to second hour have to do with your Instagram? 

KAYLA: You know, everything. 

SARAH: All of it. I am just eagerly awaiting Casey McQuiston's new book which is going to come out. Not till next year, but I'm just thinking about it so much that I can't do anything other than reread Red, White and Royal Blue and just think about her new time travel lesbian book. 

KAYLA: Time travel, lesbian book? 

SARAH: It's called One Last Stop and it comes out in 2021. 

KAYLA: Thank you for this free advertisement. 

SARAH: You’re welcome, Casey. 

KAYLA: Here she is on the pod. Casey, come on in here. Just kidding. My eyes are stuck closed and I'm afraid of the dark. 

SARAH: That doesn't make any sense. I can't have sex with you… 

KAYLA: I was going to explain this. I'm a seeing person, but then my eyes got glued closed and I'm really afraid of the dark and I'm just in too much of a state of fear. 

SARAH: I understand. Yeah, it's something that you're going to have to adapt to or maybe unglue your eyes or whatever happens. 

KAYLA: I just need time.

SARAH: You need some time 

KAYLA: I need some time to adjust to my new life. 

SARAH: Yeah, exactly. I can't have sex with you because if I have sex, I think my back is going to crack and my chiropractor told me to not let it do that. Like, I can't let it crack unless he's the one who cracks it. I can't run the risk of having my back crack. I can't disappoint my chiropractor. 

KAYLA: I have a really big surgery tomorrow and they tell you not to ingest any food or liquids before surgery and so I mean I just can't. 

[00:40:00]

SARAH: Oh no. 

KAYLA: Oh no. 

SARAH: Oh no. 

KAYLA: Oh no. 

SARAH: Now does that count as food or liquids? You know what, I... 

KAYLA: I was thinking more of the liquid route. 

SARAH: I guess it's... I can't... yeah, okay. I got to go. Yeah, I can't have sex with you because I got to go. 

KAYLA: Oh, shit. I'm busy. I have to go. 

SARAH: I'm busy. 

KAYLA: I just found this like really weird mole and I'm really worried about it. I have to go get it checked out and so I have to go do that right now. 

SARAH: Oh man, I'm so sorry. I hope you're okay. Do you have like a dermatologist that you see? 

KAYLA: Yeah. 

SARAH: Okay, that's good that you like already have one. 

KAYLA: No, I have... goodbye. 

SARAH: I'm sorry, I cannot have sex with you because I am watching the Superfruit video 101 ways to get your friends just on loop. I had to look up what it was called and I looked up Superfruit how to friend. 

KAYLA: How to friend. Truly one of the best videos on the internet. 

SARAH: Look how Butch Mitch looks in this video. 

KAYLA: I love Butch. Butch Mitch is such an era. 

SARAH: Six years ago. 

KAYLA: Such an era. 

SARAH: Oh wow. 

KAYLA: I had one and then I forgot. 

SARAH: I have one. 

KAYLA: Okay. 

SARAH: I cannot have sex with you right now. We are at the top of a Ferris wheel. This isn't safe. 

KAYLA: Oh no. That's not safe. Fuck. I just had it and then I forgot it again. 

SARAH: Welcome to my world. 

KAYLA: It really was right there and then it left. 

SARAH: I can't have sex with you because I'm afraid of bodily fluids. 

KAYLA: That's a good one. And I get so sweaty. 

SARAH: Several bodily fluids could be involved in the sex thing and I can't. 

KAYLA: It’s too much. What was mine? I'm so mad. 

SARAH: Welcome to me, every single fucking podcast. 

KAYLA: This is excruciating. 

SARAH: Yeah, I know. 

KAYLA: I… 

SARAH: Especially when we have a guest on. 

KAYLA: Yeah, let's... got to get our shit together. I… What the hell? 

SARAH: I'm actually busy burning in hell right now. 

KAYLA: Oh no. 

SARAH: So, like, if you want to come down to hell, you could try, but like, I don't think that Satan and or Hades would like, let us near each other because like, I'm... he's busy burning me. So, I think it's just not possible for us. 

KAYLA: That's fair. I… I can't think of a single damn thing. I am allergic to salt, and there's a lot of salt in sweat. I'll get a big rash. 

SARAH: Mm-hmm. Not a rash. 

KAYLA: Yeah

SARAH: It's not good. Look, I just moisturized my skin and like, I don't want to put the moisture of my perfect skin at risk. Like, what if it got like, scratched or like, bumped? Like, I can't. I'm very worried about how moist my skin is right now, and you might say I could make it more moist, and then you could say no, this is the perfect amount of moisture. I can't be putting that at risk. 

KAYLA: I can't be more moist. 

SARAH: Oh 

KAYLA: I am Andy Sandberg in Palm Springs, and I am stuck in a time loop. And I know you don't remember that we had sex yesterday, because you're not part of this time loop, but we did. I'm just so tired of having sex with you. I really am. We did it like yesterday and the day before, and I just like, I need a different person. 

SARAH: Yeah, along those lines, I'm actually the Groundhog in Groundhog Day. 

KAYLA: Do you care to explain that one further? 

SARAH: No. 

KAYLA: Okay. 

SARAH: Oh, uh, not really a spoiler, but I can't have sex with you because I am Roman Roy on the show Succession. And for some reason I just like, can't fuck anyone, but like, I masturbate to the middle-aged woman who works at my dad's company. 

KAYLA: Ew. The fuck? 

SARAH: It's wild. 

KAYLA: I don't like that. 

SARAH: He's my favorite. 

KAYLA: Why? 

SARAH: Because I love him. He's so stupid. 

KAYLA: I hate it. 

SARAH: I love the assholes, Kayla. We have established that. 

KAYLA: Yeah, but that's like uniquely just not… 

SARAH: That didn't happen until… that didn't happen until season two, although to be fair I kind of knew something sort of like that was going to happen because it did come up when, uh, in the interview that he did with Dan Levy. 

KAYLA: I just… I want to make it clear, I'm not kink-shaming anyone or like, for if you like middle-aged women or if you masturbate, but like, the thought of like masturbating to someone who you know in real life who like isn't in a relationship with you is just… 

SARAH: And she's fully aware of it too. She like encourages it. 

KAYLA: Oh. Oh. Huh. 

SARAH: Yeah, it's… it's weird… it's weird like… Okay, I’m just going to give you some Season two of Succession spoilers 

KAYLA: Great 

SARAH: Like the first time it happens, like he's… like they work together because they're both like high up in… 

KAYLA: Was he just like sitting at his desk? 

SARAH: No, he was… he called her like late at night. 

KAYLA: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 

SARAH: And he like complaining about something. And then somehow it turned into phone sex, but just for him. And then…

KAYLA: But she knew?

SARAH: Yes. And then… like she said something like kind of fucking with him and then he like called her bluff. And then he did it. 

KAYLA: Ew. 

SARAH: And then it happens later where like he was trying to have sex with his girlfriend, but like… 

KAYLA: He has a girlfriend too? Oh god. 

SARAH: Yeah. She's also… I think she used to be a prostitute. 

KAYLA: Fun. 

SARAH: I don't... I don't remember. Either way. And they're like trying… and she always like gives him shit for not having sex with her. Like not in like a mean way, just in like a, you know, like you talk all this talk and like and yet here we are sort of way. Like she's not mean about it. But then he was like, I want to have sex with you. And she was like, yeah, okay, sure. And then he was like, no, we're going to. And then they… and it wasn't really going well. So, then she went into the bathroom and was like, I'm going to go brush my teeth. If you hear the electronic toothbrush for… going for a long time, it's because I'm masturbating. And he was like, okay, cool. And then they were they were at like a… like work fucking retreat or some shit. They were they were somewhere where they were all in the same building. And he fucking wanders down the hallway to Jerry's room. And he like said something to her. And then he like kind of came on to her and she was like, no. And then she like made him go in the bathroom. And then she was saying mean things to him. And then he was just jerking off in the bathroom. 

KAYLA: Ew. And she like knew? 

SARAH: Yeah. It's a… it's like a weird dynamic. 

KAYLA: I mean, like to each their own. I just cannot… I would just be supremely uncomfortable in all of this

SARAH: Oh, same. 

KAYLA: Just like knowing that someone's in the no. Nope. Nope. Goodbye. 

SARAH: And then and then the next morning they were like… someone was like, “Oh, what'd you get up to last night?” And Roman was like, “Oh, just jerked off in Jerry's bathroom,” but like they didn't believe him. Like they thought he was joking. 

KAYLA: Well, yeah. Why the fuck would you say that? 

SARAH: But he said it because they knew that they would think he was joking. 

KAYLA: Oh, dear Lord. 

SARAH: Anyway, that's been your succession update. 

KAYLA: Sorry, I can't have sex right now. I'm listening to Sarah recap season two of Succession. 

SARAH: I'm so busy. 

KAYLA: I'm so busy. 

SARAH: I can't have sex with you because I'm recapping the Kayla season two of Succession. 

KAYLA: Sorry, we're so busy. 

SARAH: Honestly, I think we should just leave it there. 

KAYLA: Yeah, I think that's enough. 

SARAH: Okay. What's our poll this week? 

KAYLA: What is the best excuse to give when you don't want to sex? 

SARAH: Yeah. Darnell the chicken. 

KAYLA: Darnell the chicken. 

SARAH: Yeah. 

KAYLA: Nut allergy. 

SARAH: Nut allergy. Yeah. I was going to say if our audience weren't so ace that one might win, but because it's so ace. 

KAYLA: Okay, but we definitely have some like sex positive and people who love a good sex joke. 

SARAH: Oh, we do. So, I'm curious to see how this will pan out. 

KAYLA: Me too, because I feel like I know of several people like in the discord who would think that's funny. 

[00:50:00]

SARAH: Yeah. Another one is I'm an alien and my genitalia isn't compatible with yours. 

KAYLA: What do I write? I only have 25 characters. 

SARAH: Alien with incompatible genitalia is really a lot of characters, isn't it? 

KAYLA: Yeah, it's about five too many. Oh, that's genitalia. Yeah, it's too many. 

SARAH: Incompat genitalia. 

KAYLA: Alien? I'll take out the slash with incompatible, incompat genital. Just one. 

SARAH: Just one. 

KAYLA: So, I had to put a period after incompat so people knew it was an abbreviation. Okay, what's our fourth one? 

SARAH: It should be one of yours. 

KAYLA: What else? What other gems and good things did I say? 

SARAH: The phrase bargain bin just came into my brain. 

KAYLA: I don't think either of us said that. 

SARAH: No, we didn't. 

KAYLA: At all. 

SARAH: We did not. 

KAYLA: Well, the last one will be a mystery that Sarah comes up with while she's editing. 

SARAH: M’history. 

KAYLA: M’history. 

SARAH: Yeah, sure, great. Okay, um, Kayla, what's your beef and your juice this week? 

KAYLA: Uh, my beef, I think is like my same beef from the past two weeks, but is time changes. Because now I'm back in Michigan, and so it feels like I'm like three hours earlier, so it feels like I'm waking up at five every day, or like four. It's terrible. 

SARAH: My beef is, uh, my table was finally was supposed to arrive from Ikea, and my chairs arrived, but then the delivery guys were like, yeah, the table didn't make it on the truck. And I was like, okay. And they're like, they'll give you a new delivery date, but they haven't yet. I need to, I'm going to have to ask them. Ugh. I just want a table. 

KAYLA: Yeah, I feel like you've been waiting on that table for like, 12 years. 

SARAH: And this is going to be the first time that I'll have a kitchen table in this apartment that I've lived in for six months. 

KAYLA: Yikes. 

SARAH: So. But now I have chairs, and James put them together when me and Kayla were doing a podcast meeting yesterday, secretly. Not, the meeting wasn't secret. The putting them together was secret. 

KAYLA: The meet… Yes. 

SARAH: Kayla, what's your juice? 

KAYLA: My juice is, uh, I started watching this new show Taskmaster, which is this British show that, it's like kind of, it's like a few years old, I don't think it airs anymore. It's hard to explain, but it's like these comedians and they all, like the Taskmaster man, like makes them all do like some weird task, like who can eat this watermelon the fastest, or like make a video that will look impressive in reverse, and then like the judges decide who like did it best, and it's just very funny. 

SARAH: Oh. My juice is the, um, accidentally left-wing Twitter. 

KAYLA: Oh, that's a good one. 

SARAH: Have you seen this? Where people are like, someone says like, oh, we should have free health care. And then someone responds, like a right-winger who is like trying to like point it out as being stupid and they're like, oh, so should we have free college too? 

KAYLA: Yes 

SARAH: And then the joke is that yes, that is what you accidentally said something that was just broadly accepted on the left. So, yes. 

KAYLA: So, yes. 

SARAH: It’s funny. You can tell us about your beef, your juice, reasons you have or would use to say no to having sex, on our social media @soundsfakepod, you can also find information about our upcoming livestream on our social media. We also have a Patreon if you would like to support us there, help us get to our most recent goal of transcribing our episodes so that we can be more accessible, that would be lovely. Our $5 patrons are Jennifer Smart, Astritha Vinnakota, Austin Le, Drew Finney, Perry Fierro, Dee, Purple Chickadee, Quinn Pollock, Emily Collins, BookMarvel, Changeling MX, Derrick and Carissa, Simona Simon, Jamie jack, Jessica Shea, Rio Faustino, Daniel Walker, Barefoot Backpacker, Livy, Madeline Askew, Lily, James, Corinne, Aliceisinspace, Sky Simpson, Brooke Siegel, Ashley W and Savannah Cozart. Thank you for joining us Savannah, you have a nice name, I like your name. Our $10 patrons are Kevin and Tessa @dirtyuncleKevin @Tessa_m_k, Arcness who'd like to promote the Trevor project, Benjamin Ybarra who'd like to promote Tabletop games, anonymous who’d like to promote Halloween, Sarah McCoy who'd like to promote podcasts from a planet weird, my aunt Jennie who'd like to promote Christopher’s Haven, Cassandra would like to promote their modeling Instagram @liddowred, Doug rice who would like to promote Native by Caitlin Curtis and Maggie Capellbo would like promote Molly’s successful trip across the rainbow bridge. Bye Molly, have a good time over there. 

KAYLA: Bye Molly, we love you. 

SARAH: Hope you're having fun. And H. Valdez. Our $15 patrons are Nathaniel White, Nathanieljwhitedesigns.com, my mom Julie who’d like to promote free mom hugs, Sarah Jones who is @eternallolli everywhere, Dea Chappelle who would like to promote the Underrealm series by Garrett Robinson, Andy A. who would to promote Being in Unions and the IWW, and what is Dragonfly is promoting this week, Kayla? 

KAYLA: Dragonfly is promoting 

SARAH: Dragonfly is promoting not getting bug bites that come out of nowhere because you literally haven't been outside. 

KAYLA: Huh, you have bug bugs? 

SARAH: No. 

KAYLA: Are you sure? 

SARAH: I literally just changed my sheets today. 

KAYLA: Well... 

SARAH: I think I would have noticed. 

KAYLA: I hope you don't. 

SARAH: Sometimes there's stray bugs in my room and I wonder if one of them is the bitey kind. 

KAYLA: I mean, it seems like it is. 

SARAH: I mean, I also… I was outside like two days ago. I don't know. Dragonfly would like to promote the opposite of that. 

KAYLA: Sounds good. 

SARAH: Thanks for listening. Tune in next Sunday for more of us in your ears. 

KAYLA: And until then, take good care of your cows. 

SARAH: And Darnell, please.

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]