Resilience & Self-Care Keys to a Victorious Life

Kandice Whitaker hosts the "Bail Yourself Out Happy Hour" podcast, focusing on personal growth, career advancement, and entrepreneurship. She introduces Dr. Nikeya Young, a mental health coach and founder of Victorious Living Solutions, who emphasizes self-care and mental health. Dr. Young shares her traumatic childhood experiences, which led her to become a mental health advocate. She discusses the importance of setting boundaries, the stigma around mental health in the African American community, and the benefits of homeschooling. Dr. Young advises parents on how to navigate homeschooling laws and build supportive communities, highlighting the need for personalized education.

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Transcript

0:00  
Welcome to the bail yourself out Happy Hour Podcast, where each week we'll help you navigate the corporate jungle. Here's your host, Kandice Whitaker,

0:12  
welcome to the bail yourself out Happy Hour podcast, friends. Here we focus on personal growth, career growth and entrepreneurship, our family, who are your virtual coworkers, are dedicated to providing you with the tools and insights to turn your dreams into reality and help you get your money up. In each episode, we'll explore strategies rooted in my framework, the bail method of resilience, designed to guide you in conquering challenges and thrive. I'm your host, Kandice Whitaker, and at the age of 21 I was a determined young mother of two who wanted to ensure my best possible life and defy the odds. So I took steps towards achieving the life I desire. I got my master's degree. Then I was a sought after consultant, which led me to starting my own company. I have a passion for helping people live their life to the fullest through resilience, using the bail yourself out approach. So I'm happy you're here. Kick off your shoes and relax your feet. Fill up your favorite drink, because the bail yourself out Happy Hour podcast is about to start now. Hey, y'all, Hey, welcome to the bail yourself out Happy Hour podcast. And I am so excited. Y'all decided to join us today, today in our lounge, friends, we have Dr Nakia Young who is CEO and founder of Victorious living solutions, which is a transformational coaching company and a podcast that empowers high potential leaders to crush their goals despite life's challenges and live victoriously. Welcome to the lounge. Hey, Dr Nakia, what do you want the world to know about you?

1:57  
Well, hi, Kandice with a K I'm so happy to be here. What do I want people to know about me? I am all about self care, mental health and wellness. I'm a self care champion, and my husband calls me the mental health manager of our household. Cuz here's the thing, if you don't have the space between your ears together. Nothing else is going to be together. So, yeah, that's the main thing I want people to know about me is Nakia is going to help you get your mental health and wellness together. I

2:32  
love that. I think I need a mental health manager in my house. I'm saying, do you do consulting? So can you share your journey about how you became so involved in mental health and a mental health coach? What inspired you?

2:48  
Oh, child, believe it or not, that's a loaded question. It doesn't seem like it is, but it is. My journey to becoming a mental health coach just came from overcoming a lot of traumatic experiences as a kid, losing a parent at age 14, my mother passed away three weeks before my eighth grade graduation. Got a bounce to town from house to house between 1995 and 1999 I lived in three different households with my dad, with different aunts and uncles, and a lot of things I saw in some of those household and experience in some of those households, it was not helpful to someone who's already dealing with trauma. And so my mom and I, it was just me and her my parents split when I was two. So my mom raised me single mom. We were living in the projects, doing what we had to, but inside our household was peace, and it was a peace that I took for granted because it was my normal. I didn't know anything else. And so when she

3:56  
I don't preach herself right there. Look, that will preach itself right there. Because you know how many people ain't used to peace in their house?

4:03  
Damn not. And I think that I can say now, as an adult, I did not appreciate it, because I was always so upset by the fact that we lived in the projects. And so in my child like brain, I always was thinking about, life will be better when it was always something out there that was just outside of our reach, because, you know, my mom was sick. She had lupus. She had to go to dialysis three days a week, so she couldn't hold down a regular job. So then we were on welfare and government assistance, and, you know, all the things. So I was just thinking about different ways that I would want our life to improve. It never occurred to me that even in the projects with a single mom, that I had it so much better than my cousins had it than other kids in my neighborhood had it like that. Just sounded crazy to me. My brain couldn't conceive of it. It then, until you start living with people, and you thinking the people that you thought had it so much better than you, because, like, oh, they live in middle class, they live in a nicer neighborhood, they go to nicer schools, you know? They have, I don't know, nice cars, you know what I mean, all the things that you kind of associate with success. But if in that house is hell and arguing and and bickering. And, you know, church is not relationship with God is not stressed. So that's missing, just if nothing else is wrong, just the absence of that. You know, God was my norm. Like my mom always, it wasn't even just that we went to church. She always talked about having a relationship with God, and how it's not just about going to the building and so, yeah, so when you don't have people who are raised with that, with that as their north star to guide them, to show them where to go, like, if you have no fear of the Lord, you subject to do and say anything, so just kind of That journey, that whole experience. Say those four years from 1995 to 1999 shaped me. I would not be the person that I am today. The lessons that I learned, they were hard learned, but it's like two Nikias is me before 1995 and me after, or 1999 I should say, because that was when I graduated high school, and I literally was like, Okay, I'm out. And I moved and relocated myself and been on the upper trajectory ever since, because I grew up in Oklahoma. So I was just like, the

6:29  
wind comes sweeping down the plane.

6:33  
The wind comes sweeping down the plane. That wind is tornadoes, but that's okay.

6:41  
Down there channel waving, we can sure smell sweet. I had to. I mean, come on, Oklahoma, yes. So first of all, I am sorry you had to go through that hard experience. And I know that was hard for you, like, literally going from just you and your mom to now, here I am going from place to place and the uncertainty. And I'm sure you were probably scared everything you knew up until then, would you say, right before your eighth grade graduation, was totally changed. And you know, as you were speaking, what came to my mind is basically American materialism. I think so often in our culture, we are trained to say, hey, these folks look like nice people. They look clean, they have a nice car, they live in the suburbs, but then when they get home, they argue, fussing and fighting and cussing each other out. Peace is the real goal. And I think so many of us either were not raised to think that way or don't realize it. I mean, when you go to other countries overseas, I think they're better at really understanding, like, Hey, I have this house that's made out of slats. But you know what? There's peace here, and we like each other,

8:01  
that doggone part, that part and so that safe here, safe. Safe is the key. Safety is key. So if people wonder why I'm so good at setting boundaries and why I'm so adamant about helping people who are not good at setting boundaries to know how to set boundaries those four years, I'm telling you, so you had to grow up very quickly as well, very

8:26  
quickly and see I was a child, I already had to grow up quickly, because most people don't grow up having to take care of their mom. Most people don't grow up knowing the long sciency names of all these medications and knowing their mom's doctor's beeper number in, in and out of hospitals all the time, and knowing how to physically operate a peritoneal dialysis machine and take her blood pressure with the little Squeezy thing, not these fancy digital blood pressure because they had old school, old school. Yeah, that's that wasn't most people's childhood. So I was already a child that, you know, I had experienced some parentification Just because of the way our life was set up before losing her and then going through all of this crazy stuff afterwards. Yeah, one of the things you talked about also was like you always dreamed of yourself in a better place because you lived in the projects, not knowing that projects was optimal, even though it was the hood outside, inside, it was peace. And that resonated with me, because I know as a child, I did that a lot as well. I always had something that was a little further down the road that inspired me to kind of get through the day. And I think you know when you go through traumatic experiences and things that probably are a lot for your little brain or your young brain to handle at the time, living in the future makes it more palpable. Yeah, the other thing that it brought to mind was I took a hypnotism course a couple of years ago. Listen, I'm Christian. In but I believe in Eastern medicine as well. I know people be real spooky about that kind of stuff. My Bible says healing is the children's bread. But I digress on that. One of the things the hypnotist said was and it stuck with me. This is how I know it was good. He said, Your imagination is stronger than your willpower. If you can imagine yourself in a better place. You can get there if you can see yourself. I was like, Come

10:26  
that's why I love vision boards so much.

10:29  
Is that not the same thing? If you can see yourself there, because your imagination is stronger than your willpower, you will be there. But the opposite of that that is true as well. Mm, hmm. If you can't see yourself there, you will

10:45  
never get there. Don't even worry about it. You won't be there. Yep, am

10:48  
I? And that is why you know, being able to reset your mind, being able to have appropriate boundaries, being able to be resilient when life lifes is really what it's all about? Absolutely. Oh my goodness. So I can definitely see how you got on your journey to mental health. Mm hmm, because I'm sure there is a large mental component to number one, dealing with a parent who's sick. Mm hmm, right, but then also having to kind of be the grown up voice before you were actually a grown up nobody's fault. It's just that's what it was. Yeah. So now I don't think I even need to ask you why you have this concept of Victorious living, because I think I already know the answer based on what you said, but I'm going to let you answer for the people who are listening.

11:42  
So this whole victorious thing with me, it is deep. It actually is my name. So that's the start of it. And Nakia means victorious one or victory of the people, the People's victory. All that fun stuff. My name is actually spelled n, i, k, e, y, A, so the root word of my name is where Nike comes from. And, you know, they named it after the Greek god of victory. So, oh, my middle name means the exact same thing. So I think about it. How in the Bible, whenever Jesus was speaking and he was getting ready to say something important, he would say, Verily, verily, I say unto you, like when he's stressing a point, I feel like me being essentially named victory twice. Is like God being like, No, you are victorious. It was kind of like emphasizing it, like, okay, little baby, you about to go through a lot of crap, but it's okay, because you are victorious, I've equipped you to be able to handle it. That's the way I look at it. And then the backstory to that was my mom was trying to have kids. She didn't know she had lupus yet. So my mom actually had five miscarriages before, gosh, had me, the doctors were saying she would never be able to have kids, and when she had me, I was the only one she had. I was, like, in the sixth try, like, okay, and then I was born premature, and, like, four pounds and nine ounces and just, yeah, but

13:15  
we're the same age back in the day, if you had issues getting pregnant, like, That's it, really, yeah, what? No IVF. It was just like, well, didn't

13:25  
happen for you. It's always adoption,

13:29  
exactly. That is so interesting. So you got two names. Victory is her name literally. And so you teach people how to live victoriously by setting boundaries, by being resilient. What are some of the common challenges that you think your clients face, and how do you help them overcome them? I think

13:49  
a lot of the challenges are boundaries. Is a big one. It's a big one. It's a thing. It's a definitely a thing. Like it triggers me that I don't like to see people get bullied. Like, nobody likes to see people get bullied, but it makes me like, some righteous indignation just rises up in me when I see it. And so when I see people that are being pushed around or or they'll be like, Oh, Nakia. Like, I have to go to this, to this family thing. And so what do I do when, every time I go to the family dinner, you know, my in laws or my sister or my cousin or my whoever always mistreats me or always says this, always says that, and I'm just listening, and I'm like, I mean, every time you know I go, they do this. And I'm sitting here thinking, so why do you keep going that part? Why do you keep going? There's a couple of different ways to handle this. The first thing is, you can check them when they first do it. So when you don't do it, they're like, Oh, I got some wiggle room. I got away with that. Let me try it again. If the first time I punch you, you punch me back in. The mouth, I'm gonna be less likely to punch you again.

15:02  
Bart. Listen, I told my kids, if somebody hits you, we shall run thy fade. I'm not that saved. We're not doing that. This is a great place to take a break. When we come back, we are gonna continue our conversation about everything, strategies we're setting appropriate now we'll be back. Join our community of virtual coworkers on bail yourself out. Pod.com

15:28  
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15:43  
You're listening to Kandice Whitaker on the bail yourself out Happy Hour podcast.

15:49  
Hey, y'all, Hey, welcome back to the bail yourself out Happy Hour lounge. And today I'm chilling with my guest co host, Dr Nakia, and we were just talking about some strategies for setting good boundaries when people act a fool, because here's the thing, and what are the things that you didn't say. But I know, as a person who had weak boundaries, and I've gotten so much better, thank God for a better way, I know firsthand the stress that comes from having poor boundaries, because you're like, Oh God, what do I do? What if I don't do what I've always done? And so being able to put that to the side and care more about your own feelings than you care about other people's feelings is life changing. It

16:37  
is. And I always say it like this, it's uncomfortable to have to set boundaries, but people don't understand it's more uncomfortable not to because basically, the person who committed the offense, they're getting off scot free. Things aren't really changing for them, but you it's costing you something. Every boundary that you don't set is expensive. It's costing you something. Now here's the flip side of that. It's costing the person that committed the offense something too. And so when people get to go around being shady to other people being narcissistic or whatever, and nobody checks them on it, they've missed out on an opportunity to grow it was nobody saying anything, so I must be okay. That's what their subconscious mind thinks. But what if everybody that they tried these things with put up a hard stop like no, well, they're either gonna be all alone in the world, by themselves, or they're going to have to figure out a way to grow up that part. Yeah. So you gotta do it,

17:46  
and that's hard. That's hard, especially if you're an empathetic person, it's hard to be able to love

17:53  
empaths. They love empathy. Those are their favorite people.

17:58  
I'm an empath. I know that. Well, look, Selah, that's a lot. But you know, here's the thing, right? When you really think about it as a form of self, love setting boundaries. Yeah, it is honoring yourself. It is honoring what you feel. I'm to the point now, and it took me a long time. Y'all so if you're still working on setting boundaries, please don't hear me and feel discouraged. Give yourself some grace. Give yourself some grace. I mean, I'm at the point now, if I pull up to a place and I'm not feeling it, if I got dressed, put on my good clothes, my dry cleaning, and I'm not feeling it, I'm out no explanation. No, I'm sorry this. Nod is ain't hitting for me, yeah, because that shows up in other places in your life too, right? So if you're not honoring yourself, you're not going to expect other people to honor you. And so then the disrespect just continues.

18:52  
Yep, it's the disrespect Olympics. That part. You gotta teach people how to treat you 100%

18:59  
100% you know, in preparation for this podcast, I pulled up some statistics related to mental health and behavioral health for African Americans, because, you know, that's who we talk to, the season diaspora. And I, you know, I know firsthand from being black my whole life, right? All my life I've been black, but for real, though, there is a certain stigma still in in the community related to mental health challenges, and personally, I don't understand that. You know, just knowing that some things in terms of your mental health, they could be hereditary. You know, if you're born schizophrenic, you can't help that. Why do you think we still have this stigma related to mental health within the community? I feel like

19:49  
it's not even just mental health. I feel like we have a lot of trauma to unpack, just as a collective people. It's just like. Health in general. So think about, if you go back to syphilis, Tuskegee experiment, Miss Everest boys, all that stuff where they were, like, making these people think that they were a part of this, you know, experiment, and they were going to give them treatment for syphilis, but they were really straight up lying, lying and, like, purposely infecting a lot of them with syphilis, to kind of compare them and doing like they were, using them as lab rats, long story short, stuff like that. And that's just one example. So we've been conditioned through past really jacked up things that have been done to us as people, to have a mistrust of the medical industry, period. But if you're sick, you still need to get well. So it's like, we learn to rely on home remedies. And I'll just take some robot tests, and you'll be all right. We learned how to troubleshoot ourselves in a way that you have to do when there's no Calvary coming to save you, and you have to learn to be your own hero. I feel that because we have that background, and that's like ingrained in our DNA because of what we've been through over the years, that we have to make a more conscious effort to go against that it's instinctual on a cellular level, is what I'm saying to be like, what happens in this house stays In this house, and that

21:20  
trauma's remembered? Yeah? Mm hmm. Trauma is remembered, yeah, it's passed down through your cellular DNA. I don't know, I understand what you're saying, right? Yeah, 100% I agree with black people don't trust medical because of things like but also in the Caribbean, there was sterilizing women. This happened in Mississippi as well. You know, we know about the Tuskegee men, but they don't know about the women that were just being sterilized, thinking they were going to do something. They don't. They don't even talk about women, right? We don't come up on the radar. I personally compartmentalize those two even though mental health is part of your overall health. I agree. I didn't even put those two together until you said it. Honestly, I was like, I feel like the stigma with mental health

22:07  
is, I just feel like the reason I said it that way is because I feel like, even though there are two separate things, kind of, I feel like the same issues we as a people have with medicine, the stigma is some of that same stuff with mental health. It's kind of like if you have a mistrust of doctors, you can't trust them. They're going to try to do something to you, and you're troubleshooting your medical needs. Well, you have to troubleshoot your mental needs too. So like, think about how just the concept. Just think about your baby boomer parents and grandparents, and just think about how ridiculous it sounds to try to tell them to go talk to somebody and tell them all they personal business. They going to help you feel better. You sound crazy, and don't you go telling them why people are your business. Neither. Like, no, like, That's not. That's the last thing. So I think it's kind of our brains can't wrap around that sometimes you have mental health issues that you can't solve on your own, or, Oh, just pray about it. Go to the pastor. No, okay, and I'm maybe messing up people's lives. I'm a man. No, this is a train thing. No. Like, you can talk to a pastor. You can get pastoral counseling, but then after you leave the pastor's office, you still need to go see a therapist like Jesus and therapy. It's not an either or, it's a both, and we just have trust issues in general, so it's and so when parents hear us say, like, you know, I need a mental health day or, Oh, I'm just, I need to do some self care. They're like, they're learning from us, but first they looking at us like, we crazy, like, child we didn't have all that stuff back in my day, like, ain't nothing wrong with you. You'll be alright, you know. Just brush your shoulders off and go ahead, you know. So they this is a foreign concept to them. But then they're watching the fruit of our lives, and they're going, Oh, well, maybe it's something to this mental health stuff. Maybe I should try. Yes, you should Negro, because you the reason I'm going to therapy now

24:08  
that part, well, I think the trust issue is not unfounded. I'm with you. It's not like it didn't come from nowhere, right? Because think about how older black people had to survive in this country. If you have people who are black, standard issue African American been here for generations. They've been through quite a bit. There's that. And then I recall, when you were talking, it made me think about, I watched this documentary on a plane about Martin Luther King some years ago, called King in the wilderness. Now I thought I knew everything about Martin Luther King, because I'm a history nerd, right? And this was an interesting documentary, because they were talking to Martin Luther King's friends about him, which is really interesting and different, because what your friends. Have to say about you is, of course, going to be different from who you are in public, because they really know you intimately. And one of the things his friends said was, y'all should watch that it's called King in the wilderness. They said, towards the end of his life, he developed like a tick because his nerves were so bad. See, y'all didn't hear about that in history book, neither did I his friends was saying he had, like, a tick so bad that he wanted to go see a therapist, but he was afraid that the therapist would be talking to the FBI CIA or whatever, I'm like, they probably would

25:32  
have been. They would have, because his phone calls tapped. That was a that was a legitimate fear, and this

25:39  
is what I'm saying. You know, if Martin Luther King even got that smoke, Mm, hmm, some of that is actually not unfounded. But then additionally, for black people, in terms of our socioeconomic status over the generations, we are really just getting to the point where many people have disposable income, right? Yeah, because mental health care is not part of your regular health care. A lot of people don't even have access to be able to go to therapy unless they're paying for it out of pocket, and unfortunately, especially with the older generations, they couldn't take no other extra expenses. So I try to show them a little bit of grace in that. But yeah, Jesus in therapy, because at this point, therapy session costs about what nails do. So that part, so a quick diversion, because this has been like, heavy, heavy, heavy. We're going to do a short game of, would you rather? Because I love to do this so people get to know the guests a little bit and it'll be like two random things. All right, would you rather have your browser history made public, or have the last 20 pictures on your camera roll made public?

26:55  
Camera Roll, Camera

26:56  
Roll, camera roll. That's

26:59  
an easy one child. You said, make your browser history public. I'm like,

27:07  
Alright, who's your favorite character from the movies? Favorite movie, favorite character? Oh, gosh,

27:12  
dang. That's a hard one, because I love movies.

27:18  
Well, I'll tell you mine while you're thinking about it. Probably one of my favorites is Miss Sealy from the color purple. Ooh, I love Miss Sealy, but I didn't really like the new color purple. I like the old school Color Purple, the OG one the musical was

27:33  
weird to me. It didn't need to be redone. Well, there's

27:37  
the elephant in the room. There's that leave it alone.

27:41  
Yeah, it didn't need to. But yeah, I love CD. Celia is OG Ah. I'm trying to think Who's my favorite character in movies I tend to love, and this is a general, but I tend to love taraj P Henson, and pretty much anything she plays in, okay. Also, I tend to love Angela Bassett in anything big fan Angie Bassett, yes, anything she plays in. So when I'm thinking about favorite characters and movies, like their faces are popping up for me a lot, just because it's like, I don't even have to know what the name of the movie is. If either one of them is in it, I'm watching it period. I really loved her turn as the Queen of Wakanda in the last Black Panther movie, and I didn't like know she was gonna die. I know that, like Angela Bassett is in a movie, so them killing her just didn't even it wasn't even within the realm of possibilities. For me, when I tell you I was in the theater, just boohoo, and I was a rich undone.

28:44  
But you know what? Though, honestly, I didn't take it that seriously when she died, only because it's Marvel and she could be back in the next movie. Take people dying seriously in superhero movies, they come back. This is true. The only one we know ain't coming back is Chadwick. I'm sorry. Rest in peace for real. Yeah, yeah. All right. One more. What is your favorite movie line that you just randomly quote, ain't nobody

29:08  
come to see you. Otis, I love that, right? No, no, no, um, temptations, temptations,

29:16  
ain't

29:20  
nobody come to see you. Otis, like, I quote that so much is, yeah, I

29:27  
love that. I'm sorry. Yo, I was right there with you, with the emotion of everything

29:32  
that will forever be funny to me.

29:34  
Oh my gosh, that's a good place to take a break. We'll be back. Join

29:37  
us on Fridays in June and December, for real talk, deep dives and a splash of inspiration. Whether you're looking to level up, break free from the grind or just need a good laugh, this is the place for you. So grab your drink. Tune in, and let's get to it. You're

29:54  
listening to the Kandice with a K on the bail yourself out Happy Hour podcast. Yes.

30:02  
Hey, y'all Hey, welcome back to the bail yourself out Happy Hour podcast, and today's special friend guest host is my girl, Dr Nakia of Victorious living. We've talked about a whole bunch of things, her journey into being a mental health coach about setting appropriate boundaries, and we also learned that she's a movie person. See, I didn't know that. We learned that today, just a question, separate and aside, I'm just curious. One of the things that you guys don't know about Dr Nakia is that she did a TEDx, and we talked about that a little bit before we started recording, but you did it on homeschooling your kids. Now, I have kids. My only attempt at homeschooling was during COVID, and that's what made me realize, oh, no, y'all need to go to school. What? What made you decide that this is something that was important to you, something that you really want to do? Because not a lot of people in the community homeschool.

30:54  
Oh yeah, I would say, up until the last eight years or so, the majority of black people looked at homeschooling like that's some white people mess like we ain't doing it. Mean, I mean, I will tell you this, I used to be a public school teacher. I worked for Chicago public schools, and my master's degree is actually in special education, so I have that background. My bachelor's degree is in child psychology, so I have that background as well. So I've always been just interested in, you know, what it takes to nurture a child, and all that stuff, everything that comes with it, to teach a child, to educate a child, and a lot of things in mental health go back to that. Anytime you go to therapy, they will usually ask you to describe your childhood you'd be like what you want to know that for like, every single in your childhood is like the foundation for the person that you're going to become. So if I'm in victorious living as a whole, it starts from childhood through adulthood. So but anyway, there's just an aside. So how I got into homeschooling? Long story short, I would say that some of the things that I experienced in school, just as a student growing up in the public school system, and definitely some of the things that I saw as an educator, I just feel like the public school system. And I'm not anti public school. I feel that it has a necessary place. Everybody can't homeschool. As wonderful as it is, it's not feasible financially for everyone to do it. So I feel like public school has its place, you know, and it's a good thing, but it, by and large, needs to be completely overhauled, reformed, like, let's change the way we do education, because what we're doing now is not working, and teachers have been screaming from the rooftops that it's not working for years and have been ignored. And so now we see teachers leaving the profession in droves. Well,

32:58  
it's funny that you mentioned that you are one of the ones that left, right? Yeah, I did a podcast, don't remember what season, but with Dr Sean Woodley, who is a friend of mine and a researcher. And he basically talked about exactly what you're saying. And he said that, you know, when you learn that our education system is predicated on giving the basic education to be able to work in a factory, then it makes sense,

33:25  
yeah, yeah, yeah. And back in the day, I would say in the 1800s like all before the 1900s because that was when the Industrial Revolution and all that stuff happened. But prior to that homeschooling, it wasn't even called homeschooling, because it was just what everyone did that was the norm for most of civilization is that you were taught at home, and you were and we had presidents and people that did amazing things, and all of these people, it's like, where do you think all of these people learned they wasn't just hatched out of an egg somewhere, like they were homeschooled, you know what I mean? And they did fine. But now public school, and the way our perspective of Education has been is so that people can't even think of they think homeschooling is abnormal now, because public school has been in place for so long that people are having to get acclimated to the idea that, yo, homeschooling, everybody did that, but public school is actually newer than homeschooling. People are like, Oh, this new craze homeschooling. So homeschooling, yeah, it's

34:25  
not a new craze. It's not it's just like what we were talking about before. We now have people in the season diaspora. We are now at the point where we have the disposable income where we can do things like that, because it's a privilege to be able to homeschool your kids and not have to say, Oh, let me go punch a clock, because I gotta go pay these bills. I mean, that's what's new. But I gotta tell you, Okay, I just say this to any, anybody who's listening, who's a gentle parent, don't listen to this. I'm not a gentle parent. I have my old school ways and I have my new school ways. But the pandemic is what set it up for my now youngest daughter, who's in high school, to be able to be a successful student, because one thing I realized about her is, because she's a nice, quiet, agreeable child, she would fall under the radar, right? And we don't talk about racist educators, but they exist, right? They do, because I know some of the experiences that I experienced as a child, right? And so when you said that, it resonated with me. So the teachers thought my daughter was dumb, and I'm like, she's not dumb, like she's not and when I'm going up there, going off, they're talking to me like my child is slow and I haven't accepted it. Well, the pandemic hit, and I'm homeschooling her, and I saw what she was doing. You know how in school, where the teacher gives the lesson and then they say, Okay, well, sit down, and now you do it, right? Teacher, get the lesson, and then the student applies what they just learned. Yeah, I would do the lesson. I said, Okay, here's your time. Do your sheet. I come back. It's not done. Why you didn't do your lesson? I Okay, maybe she didn't understand. So we go through it again. She's now telling me what's supposed to be done. So I'm like, Okay, you understand? I said, Oh, my God, this is what she's been doing at school. So the teaching is the lesson, and when it was time for her to do her work, she's sitting there with her hands folded. I said, if you don't pick up that damn pencil, I'm going to beat your ass

36:26  
by having trouble focusing. I don't know what

36:28  
it was, but if you don't pick up that damn pencil, Imma tell you what's going to happen. So good. We had no problem, since

36:36  
I'm telling you no, that's what she was doing. I have three kids. I have an eight year old and I have two four year olds. Y'all, I had twins during the pandemic. That was a whole Wu child is right, but they're all so diverse in how they learn. And I think that was the other experience in special education. That was the other thing that really sold me on homeschooling, indirectly, because the whole concept of special education is differentiating instruction amongst the group of learners. And when I did all the study that was necessary to get that degree and to walk that out as a special education teacher, my brain was just like, This is how education should go, period. Because no two kids learn alike. Like the whole concept of you have a IEP, which is a Individualized Education Plan, and every child has one. And you look at this child's, they're saying disabilities, but I just look at it as how they learn, because all kids have ability to learn. They just learn different. And so you look at theirs and everything their plan. And then you look at this one, and then you tailor the instruction to meet them where they're at. And I'm like, yes, because there's no one size fit all instruction school. It teaches to like, if you think about a bell curve, it just teaches to that average child in the middle. So if you're exceptional, you can fall off the radar or not be challenged enough. If it takes you a little longer to learn concepts, you can still learn them, but you need some more help. Guess what? You can fall under the radar too. You know what I mean? It is. It's wild, because,

38:11  
like, when you see statistics that the average American reads at like, an eighth grade level, and I remember years ago it was ninth grade level, like, what, yeah, we're going backwards, yeah, and then like, and I say this, and people get mad, but I said, what? I said, there are so many people who have issues with basic arithmetic, and I am not a math person at all, but basic stuff, percentages plus minus. Like, come on, how many times you go out to dinner and a person has no issue with handing over the check and saying I'm not good with math, figure out the tip like, what? To me that's like saying I'm not good with reading and handing somebody the menu, like, what?

38:51  
Some people may disagree, but when they did that Common Core math, that was the beginning of the end. I feel like everybody started tanking in math when they rolled that out. I did not like it. I know a lot of other fellow educators did not like it either. It just made math unnecessarily difficult to me. And I know there's people that will argue some pros, oh, it does. This is, you know, it helps this. It it helps us a good way of I'm like, This is my thing. Make sure everyone has it the regular way first, and then you can start showing them special ways to do it this way or do it that way. But

39:31  
just teach are you talking about what they do to like the hundreds and columns? Because I think I wanted my cops doing that. And I was like, What is

39:37  
this crap? Yeah, when they rolled that out. It made more and more people get identified as special education in math because they felt dumb because they weren't getting it like it was. It was a hard, hard thing for the regular ed students to get and so then the special ed kids, they really couldn't get it. If the regular I know, right, I wouldn't do it just like you. No, I'm according to their IEP. It just says they need to know this concept. It does not say how they need to learn it. I'm gonna find a way that they can learn this concept that goes with their IEP, and that's what I'm doing. I don't know what y'all doing down the hall, but in this special education room, this is what we do,

40:17  
and that makes sense, like at the end of the day, isn't that the goal? Right? Like, literally, are we really going to have this adult conversation about how the people who are really, really good at math, they don't teach math? No, they work on Wall Street. Like, they make that money. They're statisticians. So, you know my background, I worked in education as well, like my first job out of college, I was a teacher, and people who are teachers, I feel like and statistically, it's shown that I'm right. We all learn very similarly. We have a the teacher has a very specific archetype of how they learn, and I don't remember which one it is. That's why I'm not saying it, because I don't remember. But you get all these people who learn the same way, who are teaching a diverse audience concepts, but we teach it in the way that we know it, yeah, which is not diverse, it's homogenous,

41:08  
yeah, yeah, it's a lot. But I was, I was very intrigued by the idea of my kids getting a customized education like my the my kids, I call them the neuro divergent, all stars like babies learn. I just know, and they're all really smart, but I just feel like, if I put them in school, a teacher will be calling me for something every day, and I would be like my eight year old son. He is an absolute genius, but like you said, you would give your daughter to work, and then she would just be kind of sitting there. Oh, my God, my my son does stuff like that. And it is because his brain, about his brain, is so creative. It's like his the best way I can describe it is his brain is moving at the speed of sound or something. I'm like that. I am like that. Boy, yes, 2064, and he's sitting there waiting for us to catch up like, like, and so it comes off as hyperactivity, but he is mentally he may be listening I'm telling him something, and he's like, okay, he's hearing my sound waves come in his ear, but in his mind, he's thinking about a composition that he started and he wants to go downstairs And finish. Like, he knows how to use his dad's Logic Pro producer software. He knows how to make home movies on premiere, pro with captions. And like, he'll compose some music to go along with it. And like, Girl, he be out there making home eight TV shows. I'm like, what you are eight? Like, he's a genius. I know he's a gifted, genius boy, but how that would present itself in a school setting is he has a hard time sitting still sometime

42:49  
like if I don't work at school, that don't work at school at all.

42:52  
And let me tell you this from, I know, from experience, little black boys get labeled as special education. You know, they get that label place, there's statistics behind that. They have no like half of them, people that have that label don't even need it, really, but they are over identified for the special education classes, and they are under identified for Gifted and Talented classes. But

43:15  
that's the not so hidden racism that is in our public schools, because we got racist people teaching diversified children. I mean, it is what it is

43:23  
on that they would if my child was in school, they would be having him thinking that something is wrong with him, because every time he turned around, he would be getting in trouble. He would be getting in trouble for talking everyone. Talked to everybody. Everybody's like, oh, you homeschool use. Aren't you worried about socialization? No, because my kids talk to everybody, they do not discriminate. If you put him in the hall, he gonna talk to the janitor. He so he'd be in trouble for that. He'd be in trouble for not wanting to sit down. He would be in trouble not

43:50  
like me, yeah, that's not like me in school, like I remember my first grade teacher told my parents she just talks to everybody. So I moved through. So they would move my desk right? She moved me next to her, and she was like, she talks to me, that's interesting.

44:09  
And look at us. We're podcast hosts now. We're using our gift of gab as professional speakers. So obviously it's a gift right now. It just needs to be nurtured. But in school, something Yes, it's treated as an inconvenience or an annoyance, yep.

44:25  
And to that little girl who talks too much, keep talking Yes. And to that little boy that can't keep still because of all the big thoughts in your mind, keep thinking them. Mm, hmm. So let me ask you something. What advice would you give to a parent who might be thinking about homeschooling, oh my

44:42  
gosh, so much. Well, first thing you need to do is go watch less normalized homeschooling. That's my TEDx talk on YouTube. So go watch that. And after that, you need to figure out the homeschool laws in your state, because they differ from state to state. Some state. It's very easy to homeschool in, and some states, you know, you can still do it, but they require a little bit more. They may require you to be a part of some kind of registry or whatever. But no legally, there's a website, hslda.org which stands for homeschool legal Legal Defense Association, and so they have a membership you can be a part of is pretty inexpensive, but to find out the homeschool laws in your state, you don't even have to be a member for that. You can literally go on their website and click your state, and it'll tell you the homeschool laws in your state that is important, because you don't want to mess around and do something not according to the laws, and have doggone Child Protective Services at your door because you didn't period. Yeah, you want to make sure you withdraw your kid from school the correct way. And they have all that information on there how to do that. I never put my kid in school, so I never had to withdraw them from anywhere. But if you're going from school to homeschool, you need to go on there and follow all the steps to make sure you're doing that correctly. So that's one thing. Once you decided to do it, find a supportive community. Don't try to do it by yourself, because you will get burned out very quickly, and you will be like, Oh my God, I don't know if I can do this. Every homeschool mom and said that once, and then they had, like,

46:22  
I was the whole pandemic. I cannot do this. Send these people back to school. That's correct. It's like, no, can I girl, hey, you have

46:31  
to know your limits. You know, try it, and if you, if you give it a good try. I'm not talking about I tried it for two weeks. I can't do it like give yourself, give yourself enough time to try it and make sure that you try it with the perimeters of having a supportive community all the things, give yourself a fair try at it. If you don't like it, you can always go back. But I always just say your community is key. Know, the laws in your state don't overthink it. I feel like there's this whole school of homeschoolers that feel like, Oh, you just have to do unschooling and do child directed learning. And I'm like, child director learning. What that mean? Child is just like, you just kind of see what the child is interested in, and then you have them learn things around that. And then you listen me being having an educator background for me, myself, personally, I was like, I'm not gonna reinvent the wheel here. If I'm used to making lesson plans and using curriculum and stuff and teaching, you know, adding my own little flavor in with the curriculum and stuff, then guess what? I'm not gonna, all of a sudden, just because I'm homeschooling, be like, I gotta make every lesson from scratch, baby. I'm about to find me some good curriculum and make it do what it do. Period the scope and sequence charts is already done. It's already like everything. So I know my child is going to be learning the concepts, and if I find something to supplement that with, then I'll supplement it. But I feel better other homeschoolers may not. So there's a whole bunch of different ways. Is what I'm saying. Find what works for you and do that. Don't feel like because you saw somebody else do it that way, that you have to do it that way too. Like the whole point of homeschooling is do what works best for you and works best for your children and your family and your household,

48:26  
exactly, exactly. I love that, and thank you so much for the advice. So as we wrap it up, I want to thank you so much for joining us in the bail yourself out Happy Hour lounge and being part of our community of followers, tell people how they can reach you friend. So

48:42  
you guys, and thank you for having me. I've had a ball. Oh yes, yes, yes. So you guys, you can catch me on victorious living solutions.com. That's my website. I have a Facebook page also victorious living solutions. You can also catch me on Instagram at that same handle, I'm on tick tock y'all, but it's kind of like I'm on there, but I'm not, but if you want to follow me on there, I mostly just goof off and let my hair down and have fun on there. And that's it. You guys that victorious living solutions.com that's the main way you can find me, see all of my services that I offer, and how to connect with me and everything that I'm doing. You can also catch the victorious living solutions podcast. It's on YouTube, Spotify and Apple. Thank you,

49:31  
friend and to all my listeners. I love you, and I mean it peace. Wasn't that a great interview? Hold up before you grab your hat and head out, make sure you make your way to facebook and join the bail yourself out pod Facebook group. That's where you'll find your virtual coworkers luxuriating and chatting. Thank you so much for listening, and if you enjoy the show, please leave a review. That's how we keep the lights on. If you're on social media, follow your girl, Kandice, with a K Whitaker. And you know what I'd love to hear? Hear from you with that I love you, and I mean it because there are people who hate in the world for no reason. I choose to love for no reason. I believe that the great Martin Luther King Jr said hate is too great a burden to bear, so I choose to love. Peace. Y'all. You.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai