Isabel Byon: 0:00

The New York State Office of Addiction Services and Support, or OASAS, provides this podcast as a public service. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the agency or state. This is Addiction: The Next Step.

Jerry Gretzinger: 0:21

Everybody Jerry Gretzinger your host for Addiction: The Next Step. This is our podcast we produce proudly here at the New York State Office of Addiction Services and Supports. And you know, we we love doing all these episodes. Very often we do episodes where we're talking about services support, uh, you know, assistance that people can receive throughout the state of New York for any variety of addictions that uh they may be dealing with. Um but then sometimes uh we have a really wonderful opportunity to be able to talk to people uh who have lived experience, uh who have been through it, you know, they've walked the walk and they're they're good enough to sit down and talk the talk with us about uh what they lived through in the interest of uh you know maybe helping others avoid uh certain things that they had to live through. And uh we have one of those opportunities today. Uh my guest is Brian Cunningham. Uh and Brian is an Addictions Program Specialist 2 in Long Island in the regional offices for OASAS. So one of our own. Brian, thanks so much for sitting down with us.

Brian Cunningham: 1:18

Thank you so much. Thank you for having me.

Jerry Gretzinger: 1:20

And you know what I'm gonna do first? Um people may be hearing me introduce you as Brian Cunningham. Uh as far as I know, it's no relationship to our commissioner. It's just a similar last name.

Brian Cunningham: 1:30

Correct. There is no no relations. Uh it was pretty funny once you got it. Uh uh, I got a couple uh jokes about it, but no, no relationship.

Jerry Gretzinger: 1:38

No nepotism here or anything, it's just a coincidence, right?

Brian Cunningham: 1:41

Exactly.

Jerry Gretzinger: 1:42

Well, thank you. I'm sure some people would have been like, wait a minute, isn't that the same name? So we we've cleared that up. Um but Brian, so uh you you reached out to us saying, you know, I have a story that I'd like to share, and it's it's your own story. And like I was saying in the introduction here, sometimes this is so meaningful, and and one of the most important things we can do is just to share real life stories about people who've lived through something like you have, and then to you know, show how they got to where they are today. So, first tell me tell me your motivation, why you reached out and said, I want to tell my story.

Brian Cunningham: 2:13

Well, I gotta give you the credit for that, Jerry. Um, at the last town hall we had when you guys presented um about what you offer and and the podcast and everything like that, it actually really meant a lot. And I thought it was a great way for me to kind of share what I've gone through, what's happened to me, um, which is the original reason why I got into this field to begin with anyway. So I thank you for you know shedding light on a way for me to tell my story and hopefully people can hear it and learn from it too.

Jerry Gretzinger: 2:40

Well, good. I'm I'm glad people hear what what we're saying and uh and acting on it because again, we think this is so uh uh impactful and has so much potential to help people. So so let's do this. So, Brian, your story, uh it it it starts like most do, you know, in their youth. Uh and I think we were just talking before we started recording. You said a lot of times people think, oh, I I I I came from a very good home. Everything was good, it was nurturing, it was supportive, and and yet still life threw some curveballs at me. And we want to make sure people realize this this sort of thing really can happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime. So why don't you take us way back and and start your story?

Brian Cunningham: 3:16

Absolutely. Thank thank you so much. Um, yeah, like I like I told you earlier, and I've said but when when I do tell my story, um I my upbringing I would put up against anybody's for happiest. Um, one of six grew up in a great town, uh, mom, dad, happily married, all that and everything like that. And yet I was still hit with addiction and took me down a path that I definitely did not see myself or envision myself going down for a good amount of time. Um it doesn't really matter um where you came from. You know, we all we're all starting to understand that addiction is a brain disease and can affect anybody. Um, and I'm a walking example of coming from a loved, great, supportive family, and still ended up um throwing almost throwing my life away and almost ending up in a grave. And luckily I was able to turn it around. But um I tell everyone it, you know, even though you have that love and support, you can be going through some stuff, you still need to reach out and utilize people that care about you and you know that are there for you.

Jerry Gretzinger: 4:17

All right. So let's so let's do that then. I know and that's good that you point out you came from a very loving family, and you could probably match anybody else who says they come from a loving family about you know the upbringing that you had. And yet still, you know, things presented themselves that led you down a path. So we've we've connected with those people. People who might think, well, how could it possibly happen to me or my family? How did how did this start to happen to you in the family that you were a part of?

Brian Cunningham: 4:42

Great, great question. Honestly, I didn't realize that at the time. So, like I said, I'm one of six, and when I was probably about 13, I believe, uh, it was eighth grade, my dad unfortunately got diagnosed with cancer. And at the time, I didn't really think that it would affect me in that negative way. I mean, it's a big, don't get me wrong, it's a very big thing to happen to our family, but I just kind of thought, okay, something you gotta deal with, and and kind of move on. And that, of course, he ended up getting sick and he wasn't around. My mom's taking care of the younger ones, and I just kind of got introduced to you know, substances. And the moment that I did, it was just an outlet. You know, I felt that it was the way for me to deal with things that I didn't even know that I was dealing with, and to cope with things that were for a 13-year-old very hard to deal with, but I didn't say anything. And I wish that I had, but and sometimes you might not identify something that might happen that you personally don't think is that big of a deal, but it is, and um, it can build up, and you know, but later on you realize that it was a way bigger factor than you realized, and that was a big contributing to reason to where the path that I went down and the decisions that I made.

Jerry Gretzinger: 5:52

All right, so you you had this this this news about your dad, you know, dealing with his diagnosis, and so you were about 13, you said at the time that you got that news. So and you said you know, substances. So let people know. So at that age, what substances were available to you that you started using?

Brian Cunningham: 6:11

So, of course, you start with marijuana. It's it's you know, it's readily available, everybody has it. Um, and then alcohol, right off the bat, um, you know, it was uh unfortunately it's easy to to get, you know, you just used a lot of gas stations back in, you know, showing showing my age in the early 2000s, uh, didn't really uh didn't really care. You know, you went in there, you didn't pay an extra couple extra dollars, they give you some stuff under the um under the table. Or you always knew somebody who knew somebody, but the real problem with me started when I was about 17 and cocaine got introduced to me. And that was the moment that things started to spiral out of control for my life. And that was an eight-year run of just chaos and misery and depression and just not being able to control myself. And again, I've dabbled with them all, you know, I've done opiates and the heroin, but I truly believe as well too that mental health, which goes hand in hand with it. I probably have a little bit of ADD, I believe. And I was at an age, I was in that area where they didn't really diagnose. And so the cocaine and the stimulants, I felt even the ad a lot dealing with depression, put me in a good mood, didn't know what was going on. And also, Jerry, you don't you don't expect to become a drug addict. I didn't expect at 17, the first time I do a lot of cocaine, that I'm going to be in a hotel room with the lights off, you know, IV using it or doing anything like that. I I I I don't know. It just it happens so quickly, but also so slowly, and I know that sounds cliche, but it really does. Next thing I know, I look up and I'm 23 years old and my life is in shambles. But that's that was my progression, and um it was uh happens fast.

Jerry Gretzinger: 7:54

So so Brian, uh tell me this. So you you were saying that you were you're using uh marijuana, cannabis at the time, you were also using some alcohol, and then and then the cocaine was introduced to you. So I'm just thinking too, if if there are parents listening, or or or really young people as well, if they're listening, what how was that introduced to you? Like was there something that you know that somebody could have noticed or or picked up upon or like what what what brought that into the mix for you?

Brian Cunningham: 8:24

Peer pressure. Uh honestly is a big thing. Um it it was something I wasn't anticipating. I can even tell you the first story real quick. I was at a school function. We I was in the high school musical and and choir, um, as well as sports, and me and a couple buddies after were waiting to go pick up some marijuana to just smoke and then go. And the person's like, actually, they have they don't have weed, they have coke. And I was like, uh didn't have to twist my when I say peer pressure, it's not somebody shoving it down and encouraging you. My buddy offered it. I took a quick second to think about it, I said, Yeah, sure, why not? What's the big deal? And that was it. And it became almost I wouldn't say daily right away, but pretty quickly a daily, a daily event for me. Um, and uh people knew. I mean, I even got called down to the office and talked to, but on I'm a nice guy, I had a great family, and it was always the same thing. We're worried about Brian, but he's a nice kid. We're not, I think it'll be okay. And I was and I wasn't okay.

Jerry Gretzinger: 9:24

So even then it sounds like there were assumptions. He's a good kid, good family. He'll be all right.

Brian Cunningham: 9:30

Yep, yeah, exactly. So I wasn't I mean, I went to school, I I was friends with everyone. I've I played sports, I did the musicals, I I got along with the teachers. I like talking to people, I do it for a living, you know. Um, and it was always the same thing. Yeah, he he'll be all right. I listen, we know he's doing things, but I'm not really worried. And also I wasn't talking. Like I got called down the social worker, they asked me what's going on. Listen, I'm just I'm just having fun, you know, and whatever it might be. I I hid how I was truly feeling, I hid what was going on, and again, I I just I didn't think that it would and go down the path that it did, but I I I'm you're 17. You don't you don't think that that's gonna happen. I I knew it all. Sure, I knew it all. I knew I was just gonna do this for a little bit, I was gonna go to college, I was gonna be fine, and I couldn't have been more wrong.

Jerry Gretzinger: 10:15

So, all right, so I know you said you started with the substances at 13. That's when you got the news about your dad. In 17, cocaine was introduced. What was what was happening with your father? Was he still going through treatment at that time, or where where was that part of the impact on your life? Where was that piece now?

Brian Cunningham: 10:30

So he was so you he um ended up going through uh having stem cell uh transplant, which and then turned he had was in the hospital for a significant period of time, and then he actually had to stay at my uncle's house for again, I I don't know the exact month, but it was it was significant, a couple months. So he wasn't home, so my mom is home. I'm the second oldest, so I have an older brother who did his best. Um, but I you know, I I I was just running around, and then I had four younger siblings, and my mom, you know, God bless her, she she's stuck at home raising them, doing the best that she can. And again, Jerry, like I I was at a time when addiction was not as open as it was. So I'm my mom, like I was confronted, I was approached, and I just lied, I finagled, I did everything that an addict does when they're in active addiction to get away with what I was doing, and there's only so much that she could do. Um, and that was where it was. So, yeah, my dad wasn't pre- and then when he was home, he wasn't present. He was undergoing treatment, he was going under, you know, uh the steroids and all those different things. And and you know, my mom had to wait on him, and then she had to take care of the kids. So I kind of fell in this gray area of not being supervised and being a good kid, but then also causing a ton of drama and and and and issues.

Jerry Gretzinger: 11:45

And so, Brian, so let me ask you this now, too. So you you're at 17, you know, dad's in and out because of treatment and other things that are going on, mom's doing the best she can. You've gone from uh marijuana and alcohol to uh to cocaine and as you were saying earlier, other substances. What and obviously you've you've turned things around, you're in recovery right now, but so what what was that moment and like how what was the progression from 17 and oh yeah, I'm gonna try cocaine? Like how how at what was what what what point were you at your lowest and what was happening in your life? How is it impacting your family before you said, I I gotta change what I'm doing here?

Brian Cunningham: 12:22

Yeah, uh I I mean it again, they all knew I I think my mom knew, especially my mom knew for years, and then uh you can only hide it for so long, you know, especially doing cocaine, your sleep schedule's crazy, you're out all day, you're out all night. Um, I mean, I'm for it um I remember the day, uh it was in all it was in October of 2012, and I had crashed the car. Um, and I'm standing in the driveway with my mom and my younger brother, and just it just came pouring out of me. Like I'd gotten caught stealing money that night before, and it just everything kind of came crashing down on me. Um I had when I was 18, I had I had gotten caught stealing money and I my parents I went to some outpatient, but it wasn't serious, and I wasn't I was 18, I wasn't serious, and then I just continued on. But when I got caught that time, it kind of hit me that I need it, it was just like I looked at where where I was, where my friends were, what what I was doing to my mom, who that was and is one of the nicest best people in the world, to have her crying there over me, over what was going on. Um, outpatient was presented to me, and I knew I knew that wasn't gonna do it. And that was when I was like, I gotta go to inpatient. And I went to Phoenix House in 2012. I entered treatment, which was not an easy thing to do, but was the best thing I did. But when it hits you, Jerry just kind of hits you. I I just I just I I still have dreams of my brother and my mom standing in the rain, of course, in my driveway and just it pouring out of me. Like I was ready, I I needed that push. I think I was honestly ready, but I just needed someone to be like, hey, what's going on? And once it happens, it happens.

Jerry Gretzinger: 13:59

Yeah, you know, it's let me ask you about that too, because so often we hear that such a big piece of it is that you know, the person who's gonna go into treatment needs to be ready to do that. They need to be committed to that. So that that was that moment for you, right? So you you you were there, you were in the driveway, your mom was crying, and and you finally made that realization, I gotta make a change. Now and at that point, you still had, I mean, how how was I'm sure your mom was supportive of you going into treatment the way you did, or how was that? Yeah.

Brian Cunningham: 14:27

Oh yeah. I I mean she had just offered to me, I we spoke to a family friend who was a social worker, and she said, Listen, you know, you should do outpatient, you know, made the recommendation. Um, and I said no. And um, I mean, my mom was supportive. I well, the minute I told her I couldn't be home, she didn't fight. She said, Whatever you need to do, whatever you need to do, I'll support you. Um, and she did. And and and I wouldn't have I wouldn't be where I am today without that family support of when I was in there. I remember my brother and his now wife, uh, I as his girlfriend at the time coming to Phoenix House and having Thanksgiving. Like, that's some way for her to come see me. She doesn't really know me that well. She's coming to a rehab on Long Island when they live in Florida, but to come support me in the time of my need was was really big. Um and that that meant a lot. And having them and being supportive of me doing that. Um and I'll never forget.

Jerry Gretzinger: 15:20

And so I'm gonna ask you one more question, too. I mean, uh, you know, you the support from your mom, you said you had the girlfriend coming to see you. Um, you know, so so that certainly we oh that's one of the things we always hear about, right? Having supportive loved ones, supportive friends, a good support system to help through something like this. Uh there are people who may not be quite as fortunate. There may be people who are in a similar boat, uh uh, you know, who who are who are currently uh using substances and and think to themselves, uh, is it getting out of control? Is it more than I can handle? Should I go into treatment? What what's your advice to them, regardless of what their situation maybe? Because like I said, as as as unfortunate as some of your circumstances were, there was the fortunate part that mom loved you, that you were coming from a good family, they supported you. Not everybody's got that. So, what would you say to folks who may or may not have the same situation about encouraging them that this is something you can do, you can get on top of, and you can put your life together.

Brian Cunningham: 16:14

Absolutely. Uh start with the meetings. So I as much as the support is of my family, they don't know what I was going through. It's it's hard for somebody to relate when this is my first time going into treatment. I'm 24 years old, I don't know what I'm doing. And when I walked into those doors, I got my second family. And if it wasn't for them being in there and being around the people that have walked in my shoes, and I I I mean, uh a lot of those guys, a lot of guys that I went in treatment with they have done it, you know, they they knew the ins and outs of it and everything like that, which sometimes isn't good. But I took it for the positive and used them to the what am I doing? How how do I get sober? And I took what what what uh some positive people who I knew had the had the right idea and put it forward. But there's always somebody out there who's going through something similar, especially in the field of recovery and addiction with AA, small recovery, and Thrive and all those other great agencies out there. If you just put in that little bit of an effort and go to, I I tell my patients, like, you can go to a meeting. If you sit there and don't say anything, nobody's gonna know what you're going through. If you go to a meeting, put your hand up, hey, I'm new, I don't really know how to get sober, I don't really have anyone. I guarantee you by the time you walk out of that meeting, every single person's gonna walk up to you saying, Hey, what do you need? Well, how can I help you? What can I do for you? Because that's what recovery is. It's about giving back, it's about helping those who need it and giving your whether it's story or information to somebody who's going through it and them taking it and using it for themselves, and then so on and so on and so on. So I just recommend there's between OASAS and all the other things that are out there, and especially with the phones, you know, you can go on type in AA meetings and stuff like a somebody there, the minute you put your hand up, they will come to you, they will do whatever they can to get you in the in the right situation as well.

Jerry Gretzinger: 18:01

That's great. And Brian, I just I'm gonna go back to the first thing you said. You said when you went in, you found your second family. And I I that seemed really important to me because some people may feel very alone n mn and wonder, well, how would I do this? How would I make it through? You're right, there's a whole nother family, a whole nother support system waiting for you once you make that step. So that that's great that you pointed that out.

Brian Cunningham: 18:23

Absolutely. And somebody, like you said, uh somebody might not have any blood family or anything like that. You you can pick your family. I I can't tell you that your mom is your is is your family. You can pick who you want in your family to be supportive. And even I've made the decision in my life to surround myself around positive, supportive people who care about me, and I care about as well. So you can go in there and pick the people that you want to help you get through, and and they will.

Jerry Gretzinger: 18:47

And obviously the people that you worked with uh you know were impactful, and here you are today. You're a part of our family at OASAS, and we appreciate that. And uh, Brian, just again, I want to thank you for sitting down and sharing your story. I think so many times hearing from someone again who's, as I said, who walked the walk, lived through it. Uh, it it can be so impactful for people. So, again, thanks so much for sitting down and chatting with us today.

Brian Cunningham: 19:08

Jerry, thank you so much. Like I said, this is why I got into the field originally. So thank you for taking the time and thank you for letting me tell my story.

Jerry Gretzinger: 19:14

I appreciate it. Yeah, no, thank you for sharing it. And I just want to tell everybody too that don't forget, there's always someone willing to listen and talk to you. You can just pick up the phone. It's 8-778- Hope NY. That's our hope line, 8-778-HopeNY. And of course, if you just want to hop online, you can go to oasas.ny.gov, oasas.ny.gov, everything you could possibly need as far as information on supportsis and services already that way. I'm Jerry Gretzinger, you're host until we see you next time.