Past the Picket Fence

How teen experimentation led one woman from her storybook childhood to life on the streets, before discovering a path to recovery.

Transcript

Season Theme And Stigma

Announcement 0:00

The New York State Office of Addices and Supports, or OASAS, provides this podcast as a public service. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the agency or state.

Jerry Gretzinger 0:25

I'm your host, Jerry Gretzinger. This is the beginning of our fifth season. So far, we've shared more than 100 episodes of the teams of compassionate people delivering life-changing services and supports for those living with substance use. While telling those stories, we've met some truly remarkable, courageous people who found themselves at a crossroads. Some called it rock bottom when they felt they had to make a decision, continue along their current path, and sacrifice their family, friends, even their own dreams, and ultimately themselves, or to commit to treatment and begin a life, a journey towards recovery. For season five, we bring you those stories. One barrier they all had to overcome a stigma. What will people think of me if I admit I need treatment? Ask yourself, what do you see when you think about someone at rock bottom, someone who needs treatment for substance use? But whatever image you see is wrong. Because substance use doesn't look like any one person. It can look like me, you, and Emily Sindoni.

From First Drink To Heroin

Emily Sindoni 1:33

I had a pretty typical childhood, you know, especially in my younger years. I just remember us being at the Little League field every summer. You know, we played sports, and my dad was my coach and, you know, just had stereotypical white picket fence childhood. Um, it wasn't until my teenage years where I started experimenting with alcohol in middle school age, maybe seventh or eighth grade.

Jerry Gretzinger 2:02

Emily says what began as weekend partying quickly escalated. By 18 years old, she was using opiates. By 19, heroin at 21, she was using IV drugs. Not anything she chose at that party in seventh grade where she had her first drink. But making the right choice became harder to do, and her occasional usage became physical dependence.

Emily Sindoni 2:23

I was hanging out with a girl that was already using needles, and I had told myself, like, that's not gonna be me. You know, at that time, my brain was already essentially hijacked, right? Because I, the only thing that mattered was getting high again, by any means necessary. You know, especially it almost felt like fight or flight. You know, I just felt um the need to get high. Literally nothing else mattered.

Jerry Gretzinger 2:49

As Emily used more and more often, the costs grew to her finances, her health, her connection to family. After moving out of her parents' home, Emily moved in with an abusive partner and stayed longer than she should have because it was a place to stay. When she did leave, she found herself homeless and bouncing between other risky relationships. She would turn to her family for shelter, but even they had to eventually set boundaries. Emily can see now her brain had literally been hijacked by the drugs she was using. All that mattered to her was finding her next fix.

Emily Sindoni 3:22

It's all kind of fuzzy, I'm not gonna lie, only because it's such it was such a traumatic experience for everyone, and I was high for a lot of it, but I do remember my sister like coming into my apartment and and screaming and crying, just looking at the condition that I was in and and just saying out loud, like, this is this is crazy, like you need to get help, like this is not normal. Um, I remember my dad also. I was on my way, it was right after I left my sister's house. I again I was there saying, I'm really gonna try this time, and there was a slight intention there. I I did want to get sober because it wasn't really working for me, and I and I and I knew something had to change, but that um that mental connection or that chemical imbalance or whatever you want to call it was still there, so it was like a flip switch. All of a sudden I was like, I'm gonna get high. And I just left. I just walked out, and I remember my dad, I was on my way to Rochester on the highway, and my dad was on the phone and he was just crying, like, please, please don't do this. I'm afraid you're gonna die. Please don't do this. And I just remember saying to him, uh, Dad, I have to. I'm I'm gonna be okay. Like, I'll I'll be back in a few hours. And I just hung up the phone.

Jerry Gretzinger 4:49

You said that you could you knew there was a genuine interest that you had there to stop using substances, right? To get into treatment, to be

When Addiction Takes The Wheel

Jerry Gretzinger 4:58

able to live life without substances.

Emily Sindoni 5:00

Yeah.

Jerry Gretzinger 5:00

But that, as you put it before, your brain was already hijacked by that point. You didn't you didn't have the means to make that sort of commitment on your own.

Emily Sindoni 5:08

Yeah.

Jerry Gretzinger 5:09

Another thing we hear from so many people is no, no, no, no, people who are using substances, they make a conscious decision to use those every day. Don't why why are we putting so much effort into helping them when they won't help themselves? Yeah. Right? So we know because of the work that we're doing, you know because of the life you lived and experiencing it. Answer the people when they say something like that. How do you say to them, you don't understand, you don't have the means to make that commitment to treatment when you're living a life at that point?

Emily Sindoni 5:38

I mean, and that's just like a scientific fact, right? Because after a certain point, um, and I don't know the exact science, but I do know like Well, you lived it, you know that part of it. Yeah, yeah. You know, I just I my drug of choice was above shelter, love, food, above everything.

Treatment And Rediscovering Identity

Emily Sindoni 6:00

Oh, there's Michael!

Jerry Gretzinger 6:01

Emily's turning point came in August 2015. She entered a treatment facility. She learned that recovery is not just about stopping using drugs, it was about rediscovering herself and letting that person flourish.

Emily Sindoni 6:14

One big thing while I was in treatment was they said that we weren't allowed to tell war stories. Um and at first I was like, well, you don't want us to talk about, you know, our use, and and I didn't understand it, but eventually I realized that not talking about my use allowed me to figure out other things to talk about. You know, whether that would be um TV shows or, you know, learning how to crochet or or talking about music that I like, you know, rediscovering who I was.

Jerry Gretzinger 6:48

After a six-month residential program, Emily says she faced a new fear, going home.

Emily Sindoni 6:53

I knew I didn't want to go back to my hometown. A lot of guilt, a lot of shame, you know, a lot of stigma. I I didn't, I don't, I wasn't ready to kind of face um the people that I had done wrong to and things like that. And I didn't want to put myself in an environment where I had gotten high and I had partied and you know, see all the familiar faces. I thought it might be um what's the word I'm looking for? Triggering to Yeah, triggering and and just too familiar that I would just fall right back into it.

Jerry Gretzinger 7:26

So how long is it now since your life? We're starting to life.

Emily Sindoni 7:30

How many years is it? So I got sober August 23rd. Kind of reentered. We're started rebuilding your life. And it's been 10 years.

Jerry Gretzinger 7:38

So just over 10 years now. Yeah. Well, good for you, first of all.

Emily Sindoni 7:41

Thank you.

Jerry Gretzinger 7:42

And and the other thing is too, not only did you successfully go through treatment and are living in recovery, you do you work here now helping people who are either in or could potentially be in a situation like you were.

Emily Sindoni 7:56

Yeah. Yeah. So I um I lived in the halfway house in Elmira, and I remember towards the end of my treatment, my uh counselors and and and group facilitators, they were like, you would make a really great peer. And peers were kind of new at the time, but they said, you know, we think you would be great. And so I was like, okay, totally. So once I was discharged, I I applied and I interviewed, and um I didn't have a driver's license because, of course, in my active addiction, you know, my license was suspended. I had all of these outrageous tickets, had a part-time job or got a part-time job at Michael's. Um, couldn't really afford to take care of that kind of stuff. So I didn't have a driver's license, so I was kind of shut down and um just kind of kept working at Michael's for a couple more years. And it wasn't until my the peer that I had in treatment reached out and was like, What are you doing these days? And I told her, and she was like, Why don't you fix your license and come be a peer? You know, and this is two years after I had been in treatment, and so I was like, you know what, I'm gonna try again. I had enough money, um, got my license in good standing, applied, and and got a job as a peer over in Tompkins County. So today we're gonna do uh a roadmap to recovery activity.

Jerry Gretzinger 9:18

Emily became a certified recovery peer advocate or CERPA in 2018. Today that once hijacked brain is fueled by something else. Maybe there's a special someone in the driver's seat that supported you.

Emily Sindoni 9:30

The desire to help others. Right here, it says nope, not rainbows and unicorns all the time. Notice the rain clouds, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. And uh right around here at home. I love it! Yeah, I FaceTime with my sisters every single day. I get a text from my dad saying good morning. Um, and you know, now I have my own family at home and my son, and the fact that I'm able to be there and be present, and he doesn't have to witness um a mom that is that relies on a substance to cope is the thing that I'm most grateful for.

Jerry Gretzinger 10:10

So I I sometimes hear, not sometimes, I pretty often hear that you know, recovery is not a destination, it's a journey.

Emily Sindoni 10:17

For sure.

Jerry Gretzinger 10:17

And it can be challenging from one day to the next.

Emily Sindoni 10:20

Yeah.

Jerry Gretzinger 10:21

Are there times where you have a day and it's it's challenging to to stay in recovery this way?

Emily Sindoni 10:26

Yeah, so you know, the when I reflect on the past 10 years, you know, it's it's been so my recovery has been so rewarding, but that doesn't mean that

Becoming A Peer And Finding Purpose

Emily Sindoni 10:38

I haven't struggled. You know, in my recovery I have um experienced significant loss and and trauma and loss of relationships and and people and I mean just so many different things. You know, life doesn't stop because you know I'm in recovery and and I and I feel great, you know, life still kind of hits ya and and you have to recover.

Jerry Gretzinger 11:04

A life in recovery where Emily is thriving as a leader.

Emily Sindoni 11:09

Oh, while we're on the hike, we have a leave no trace policy.

Jerry Gretzinger 11:12

Talk to me about what you do with Air Adventures in Recovery now. What what what does that do? Who does it who does it serve?

Emily Sindoni 11:20

So we are a sober active recovery community organization. So what that means is we focus on wellness, whether it's physical, mental, spiritual, any dimension of wellness, um, we focus on the recovery portion of their treatment. So we rely on the community and their talents, hobbies, and skills to offer that to the community in a sense. Um yeah, it's we're taking people out of their comfort zone and introducing them to things that they probably wouldn't experience in their day-to-day, you know.

Jerry Gretzinger 11:56

Um like what kind of thing? Like what are you having them do that maybe they're not used to?

Emily Sindoni 12:00

Um hiking in the winter. We do outdoor adventures um every Saturday. We're outside typically all year round. So um we're kayaking too, we're going camping and hiking in the Adirondix, and then here at the center, you know, we're offering arts and crafts and creative writing and crocheting and and guitar jams, you know, all sorts of things that um they may have done at a certain point, but maybe lost touch with in their active use. And so we're either introducing it all together or reintroducing it. It's a great, it's a great way to fill some of that downtime and reconnect with themselves, but also reconnect it, reconnect with um like-minded individuals, right? So they'll they'll come to a crochet group and they'll learn how to crochet, but then they'll also connect with people that crochet and and maybe they'll exchange numbers and maybe meet outside of here. You know, it's it we really try to focus on human connection more than anything, and whether that's connecting with yourself or connecting with other people.

Jerry Gretzinger 13:02

Positive, healthy use of time and making connections, like you said. And we hear a lot of talk about connections, right? That connections are so so so helpful and supportive for people who are living this uh post-substance use life. What is it about the connections that that really makes a difference? Is it having that that support, like a team of people that are that are with you on this journey?

Emily Sindoni 13:21

Yeah, 100%. It's it's about having people to talk to, to lean on, and human connection is just so important to day-to-day life, and addiction can be a very isolating disease, and and a lot of relationships are are torn. Um and so it's finding your tribe again, you know, and and as as we become healthier individuals, then the connections with our families can be reestablished, that our connection with the community can um can start to form.

Jerry Gretzinger 13:59

As Emily mentioned, recovery is never a destination, it's a journey. One that she walks every day. Through programs like Adventures and Recovery, the trail is no longer one that you have to walk alone. Now, take Emily's story, her experiences, and think about that image you had in your mind of a person living with substance use. Is Emily what you pictured? Remember, this same

Connection, Hope, And Help Resources

Jerry Gretzinger 14:20

story has happened to men and women, rich and poor, from inner cities and suburbs, any race, religion, nationality. What you see on the outside doesn't always tell the whole story about the person inside. If you'd like more information about Casa Trinity and the Adventures in Recovery Program, you can go to our website, Oasas.ny.gov. And if you or someone you love is struggling, the New York State Hope Line is available to you twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. 877-8 HOPE NY.