Ever wondered how FBI negotiation tactics could turn your parenting woes into wins? Strap in as we reveal the secret five-step strategy that can revolutionize the way you communicate with your kids. You'll discover how active listening, empathy, and rapport aren't just for defusing crises—they're tools to forge stronger bonds and foster peaceful, effective communication at home. From personal parenting tales to the transformation of traditional power dynamics, we're peeling back the curtain on the art of the deal—parent edition.
But why stop at parenting? We've got the lowdown on enhancing your communication skills across all walks of life. Imagine mastering the power of strategic pauses or mirroring to build trust and engagement, all while hearing how a Great Dane's first encounter with a new kitten teaches us about our natural instincts to connect. It's about tapping into the subtle conversational techniques that can make or break relationships, whether you're negotiating with a toddler or a CEO.
To cap it off, we're getting real about the health and fitness journey—beyond the marketing hype and into the heart of our own trials and triumphs. We're swapping out fitness fads for a Mediterranean diet, cheering on increases in daily activity, and yes, even tackling emotional eating head-on. Join us as we laugh and struggle through the commitment to a healthier lifestyle, and don't forget to share your own stories in the comments. It's all about embracing growth, understanding, and connection—so hit play and let's embark on this adventure together.
Ever wondered how FBI negotiation tactics could turn your parenting woes into wins? Strap in as we reveal the secret five-step strategy that can revolutionize the way you communicate with your kids. You'll discover how active listening, empathy, and rapport aren't just for defusing crises—they're tools to forge stronger bonds and foster peaceful, effective communication at home. From personal parenting tales to the transformation of traditional power dynamics, we're peeling back the curtain on the art of the deal—parent edition.
But why stop at parenting? We've got the lowdown on enhancing your communication skills across all walks of life. Imagine mastering the power of strategic pauses or mirroring to build trust and engagement, all while hearing how a Great Dane's first encounter with a new kitten teaches us about our natural instincts to connect. It's about tapping into the subtle conversational techniques that can make or break relationships, whether you're negotiating with a toddler or a CEO.
To cap it off, we're getting real about the health and fitness journey—beyond the marketing hype and into the heart of our own trials and triumphs. We're swapping out fitness fads for a Mediterranean diet, cheering on increases in daily activity, and yes, even tackling emotional eating head-on. Join us as we laugh and struggle through the commitment to a healthier lifestyle, and don't forget to share your own stories in the comments. It's all about embracing growth, understanding, and connection—so hit play and let's embark on this adventure together.
Today on the Idiots Guide, we are talking about continuing the discussion about the art of negotiating today with elementary aged children from the FBI field manual for hostage negotiations Not actually the field manual, but it does come from the field manual and an update on our mission to improve our shape. Yes, I said shape, because that's what we're trying to do is change what shape we are, and you know what we're doing well, what we aren't doing very well. I'm your host, adam Richardson, aka the Profit Hacker, and I'm joined by the man in charge, mr Joe Haslam. Welcome to the Idiots Guide.
Speaker 1:Well, I think one of the things that I want to start off with today is I want to get kind of this FBI thing out of the way. I alluded to it immediately there in the front end of this, and Joe is shaking his head. Of course, don't judge me, don't judge me. This is actually quite impressive, honestly, if everyone learned these skills, and maybe that's part of the reason why I think we're going to kind of stay in this lane and see how many things this applies to. You know, we're like, yeah, the FBI checklist to changing your tire. You know, no, we're probably not going to do that. That sounds stupid, but this stuff matters in so many ways.
Speaker 1:Just to get like, there's an article that I'm going to be getting this from. It's from Ink Magazine how to negotiate using the FBI's five-step hostage strategy, and it's for. You know, I don't even know what a VC is, or a partner, an employee, a spouse, a child, getting someone to see things your way. You have to do these five steps. Vc is a venture capitalist. That's C like thank you. Yeah, I was like virtual companion Virtua.
Speaker 1:I'm pretty sure that exists.
Speaker 2:Maybe a little too much information there, how do you know? But yeah, vc, venture capitalist. So the idea there is if you're trying to convince a venture capitalist to back your idea or business partner or anything like that, that's, I think, where they're going with that.
Speaker 1:I think the biggest part about it is the fact that you're you'd probably be pretty surprised by what these are, how terrible we're at doing this, and you know, so on and so forth. Let me just list them off and then we'll unpack it a little bit more. Number one active listening. Number two empathy. I feel you on that one.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry. I thought of a really bad pun for the first one too, but I didn't want to say it. And then you read the second one. I couldn't resist saying something.
Speaker 1:Number three report, and if you read it like report you're wrong. Number four influence. Number five behavioral change. There you go. So, I think, the reason why these are pretty much essential, especially even with children. I've had, you know, three of them be small children, so I feel like I'm more than qualified to at least have you know, one hostage negotiation under my belt, and when?
Speaker 2:we talk about hostage negotiation. Hostage negotiation is when you're in a heightened moment, trying to convince someone to do something they don't want to do or to stop them from doing something that they want to do. I think that pretty well defines a lot of situations that you're dealing with with elementary school kids.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:They're not thinking logically. They want to or don't want to do something and you have to convince them otherwise in a very high emotional state.
Speaker 1:And oftentimes they seem like they may not actually, but it feels this way, like they have all the cards. Yeah, with this, I guess children, in a roundabout way, have a way to get under our skin really easily. I mean I've done parenting things and all of the different techniques about like reverse psychology and sometimes it works. You know I used to do we signed up and got paid way too much for two little booklets from Love and Logic and that I'll just leave it at. We paid way too much. Okay, love and Logic, the idea behind the principles behind it are a peaceful negotiation with your child to help them make logical decisions, when probably the most accurate part about that is the fact, or inaccurate part of that is the fact, that the only logical decision maker in that process is the adult, so everything else doesn't have any reason.
Speaker 2:So you know there's well, I mean there's it's kid logic, right, it's kid reasoning which is very egocentric and is very exclusionary of anyone else.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so they only see the world from their perspective. And so from that standpoint I mean, there's some logic. But no, I agree, there's really no logic in a an elementary kid's brain.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I don't really want to try to justify why. You know, I think the hardest thing is if I went to go back and catalog and think every exchange that I've had with my own kids. You know the wins and losses are. You know are are nothing I'm proud of. On either end of that, you know it's just like we made it. You know that's, that's where it is Like. On either side of that, that's we made it and that's that's. I'll take that as a win. You know, I know parents, if you're listening, you're cringing because you're like don't do that. You're giving the kid the power I was like, you know I follow these, these five steps that the FBI taught me, taught me how to do, and they talked to very unreasonable people at gunpoint.
Speaker 2:So you know and historically when it comes to, you know, raising kids, when it comes to getting kids to do things, especially in the U? S, it is very much a power play on the part of the parents and we get into this state of we're going to force them to do something one way or another, and we've learned in modern times just what kind of long term impact and the trauma that that inflicts on a child. You know. That's why you know it used to be common practice. Every single day you are spanking a kid to get him to do something, and or the wooden spoon.
Speaker 2:I got the wooden spoon a lot as a kid. Yep, they were broken a few times on our behinds, but that was normal. That was what you did as a parent. That was your negotiation.
Speaker 1:Was it was. It wasn't even the parent that was negotiating, it was the object in which was enforcing behavioral change.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the wooden spoon, the bell, all those things were the negotiation structure. Yeah, historically I say historically, I mean that's going just back to like the 80s and 90s, not that far back, and we're learning the kind of impact that that has on kids, and so it's important that we move away from those kinds of parenting behaviors. And these things are the great tips. These are what help not only us as parents to be able to have a more well rounded child, but also, as they get older, it makes it easier to teach them, to help them understand logic, to help them develop into the best version of themselves. And so it's not just in the moment that this is better. This is better for their entire lives to go through these steps and not just default to. I'm going to get it done, no matter what. The ends justify the means.
Speaker 1:I don't on these steps. I think an important part to say like to go through them is that you mimic them. They're mimicking you. They're learning from how you have walked his path. You've implemented these steps. The biggest challenge is that most everybody doesn't. Yeah, I mean, I read another article that talked about these five steps that the FBI use and everyone skips the first three. Everyone. They just go. What right to influence? So I'm going to woo you because my intensity is bigger than your intensity, and I'm going to demand behavioral change. How in the world? Like if they took that approach out in the field with a real bad guy with some weapon, like things go bad real, real quick that way? So you can't skip these steps. Well, guess what? Whether it's a 35 year old assailant you know something that's out there or a five year old assailant with a juice box, like it doesn't change the process.
Speaker 2:The brain dynamics are the same. The 35 year old may be more developed, but the brain process, the algorithmic process within the brain, is the same for a five year old as a 35 year old. It's just one's more developed than the other. It doesn't change the way that the brain actually functions.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, that's why these things work, even for five year olds and, honestly, when I was a dumber parent, I'm a smarter parent. I'm still dumb, but this is the idiot's guy.
Speaker 2:We've made the mistakes. Learn from ours.
Speaker 1:So love and logic came in when I didn't understand these principles. I didn't study other things that correlated with these principles. So at the time I'm like these are dumb, you know. Like why is this? Why am I? But now I think about like conversations. I have a seven year old and those conversations from early on.
Speaker 1:Like you're, I'm still dealing with moments that I feel like I'm in a hostage negotiation, like, don't worry. Like last last time we talked, I mentioned the word terrorist for a reason, because it feels like it sometimes Okay, but but but a lot of this stuff like when we're dealing with this, there are some steps that when we take and do them correctly, the outcome changes entirely. And you know, even though we want that behavioral change ultimately that is the goal as a parent is, we want to behaviorally change what's going on, help them make good decisions about what they're doing. Well then, you know, try this, give it a try, try it a couple of times. Look up FBI five step chart checklist for hostage negotiations. It's out there, it's plain as day. Write it on your phone background and be like, okay, actively listen, okay, so let me tell you. Okay, I'm going to stay right there for a sec, what was it that you said?
Speaker 2:again. So sorry we're going to be so full of dad jokes today. I don't know.
Speaker 1:Here's a checklist of of of active listening. Okay, just active listening. I didn't. I didn't do a checklist on any other one. Active listening, the most important. Yeah, did you hear me? Yes, I did. Okay, good, okay, number one ask open ended questions. Okay, that means that you aren't asking like you're not talking to a teenager and they're like yes, no.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's not a yeah. You don't want a yes or no.
Speaker 1:So it would be good.
Speaker 2:So an example of ask open ended questions. So talking about you know active listening. So, adam, what, in more detail, is active listening? Can you explain a little bit more about that? Or is active listening where I'm really participating and learning from you? So that second question was a yes or no, correct. First question was very open. It makes you answer that question that I can then use follow-up questions that are also open-ended.
Speaker 1:What's an interesting thing to maybe observe in the heat of the moment is when you are asking open-ended questions, shut up and listen, because if you don't, and all you do is ask an open-ended question, and then another open-ended question, and an open-ended question and you're answering those questions, you're escalating yourself and not giving your child an opportunity to even answer, which is basically going to overwhelm them, steamroll them and they're not going to want to talk to you so and then you're going to have a really, really angsty teenager. Number two use effective pauses.
Speaker 2:Would you repeat that in just a second?
Speaker 1:It's almost uncomfortable. So I read a book called Crucial Conversations, and it is one I would highly recommend everyone on Earth read, because it talks about similar qualities of this. Pauses are very, very essential. If you listen to some of the world's best speakers, they have momentary pauses that, when they use them and apply them, they sound really torturous, especially on a podcast when I'm getting recorded and you're like get to the point. But the idea behind it is emphasis, it's control, it's what you're doing, but it's also the fact that effective pauses give space for you to think and for the other person to think. So if you're shutting up and listening after you're open to question, great time to pause.
Speaker 1:But when they answer, don't ask another open-edged question. Let that process Like if their answer was something they have a valid position, even if they're five, some reason why they did such and such. So ask what was the reason why you knocked over Kenny's blocks? Well, because I didn't like him, and he smells funny and he picks his nose. I'm like well, that's bullying and we don't bully in this school, you know no. But the idea is you wait, you listen, okay. Well, what is it that made you feel like knocking over the blocks was the best thing for you to do.
Speaker 2:So another part of this is it builds the anticipation in the listener, and so what it does is it draws them in to your side of the conversation, and so when you create that pause or you elongate a word, what that's doing is it's bringing someone in to what you're saying because they want to hear the end of it.
Speaker 2:So this is why I mean, if any of you go to I think it's Baptist preachers are the best at this. They're the best at this specific cadence that they are taught. There's a specific term for it, I can't remember what it is, but another example of this is a thousand and one nights, the story of Scheherazade, where she would tell a story that would then lead into the next story and stop there so that her, the, the salt or I think it was a Sultan wouldn't kill her until the next night because he wanted to hear the rest of the story.
Speaker 2:So, she did that for a thousand nights and the Sultan eventually fell in love with her. There's a lot of backstory to you know Scheherazade's story, but that's the idea. That's storytelling is. You create that anticipation, you create that, that longing for what is going to be said, and you can do that even in a short conversation. If you've listened to really good lecturers, they have that cadence. So when you're talking, you're pausing, you're elongating the words in order to draw someone in. When you're coming to the climax of your story, you're going to be talking very quickly as you're getting to that point, and then, when you're almost at the end, you slow down, you create those pauses and then you catch them.
Speaker 1:So number three in active listening is minimal encouragers, not not being a minimal encourager, but actually little things that are encouraging. Joe did something very similar to that earlier when we talked about, I said, asking open-ended questions, and he gave an illustration that he was actively listening by unpacking two different approaches about active, open-ended questions and are asking open-ended questions. So in showing it's encouraging to me that Joe is paying attention when I'm talking, just as much as I'm paying attention and being drawn in by his cadence and his elongating of words, pulling him closer and closer and closer as finally we get to number four, and it is mirroring. Mirroring is something where, if Joe is sitting across the table from me and he has his hands folded, I'm going to fold my hands.
Speaker 1:The reason why is, subconsciously, if you mirror somebody and like this works with a little kid, I'm a very big guy, so for me to mirror a little kid means that I have to drop down to my knees or I have to sit Indian style on the floor. Whatever I have to, I have to make myself lower to where I can make eye contact at least, or a little bit below their eye contact, so that they don't feel like I'm just towering over them. Even if I'm doing all of those other steps right, if I don't do something that brings my face down to their face, then it's going to potentially cause a conflict with that. So mirroring is really, really important. It subconsciously, it makes it feel like there's a sense of safety, they're talking to themselves, they trust it breaks down that barrier without having to try to earn it as difficultly as difficultly Is that even a word? Goodness, terrible, anyway.
Speaker 2:Number five Before you move on to the next one, I do have a story about this. So I had a great Dane many, many years ago, who was a very empathetic dog. She was amazing when it came to sharing emotions. But when we first got her we had a cat in the house, and so we brought this giant great Dane home and when they met, the first thing that the great Dane did was actually got all the way on the ground so she laid completely down and crawled up to the cat so that she was on the same level as the cat to introduce herself to the cat.
Speaker 2:It wasn't anything we encouraged her to do, it was just she knew these kinds of skills instinctually, that if she wanted to build this relationship with an existing animal, that she would get down to their level and approach in a very easy to understand mode. And so this is something that maybe with our intellectual minds we've kind of forgotten how to do. But just understanding that perspective of sometimes we can be very imposing. Think about a great Dane versus a little cat. That's a very scary thought. And so for her to get down on her belly and to crawl up to the cat to introduce herself, that was a perfect example of how something like that works. That's the mirroring.
Speaker 1:And the last one is paraphrasing. Pupil is basically just rephrasing, not making it awkward like you are saying exactly this, but saying okay, so, if I have this right, what you're asking is this and reiterating in a general sense that what that also does is acknowledges the fact that maybe you missed something and you're asking for that clarity in the same process of that. So if you ask something, you're basically revealing the way that you are seeing that explanation or you are understanding what they're saying, so that if it needs clarity, you're revealing that to somebody. That's, yes, it's a vulnerable position because it could be construed as weak, but if both of you guys are implementing the same tactics, it's going to be peaceful because both of you guys okay. So what you're saying is that I said is that you're saying and no, it's not going to get that bad, hopefully. But, guys, this is just active listening. Okay, now the rest of them. I don't have five more amplified. The only reason why this one is so crucial, to have that kind of expansion, is because no one does this.
Speaker 2:We are so bad at this kind of stuff.
Speaker 1:Everyone has a narrative, even in a, especially in an argument. Have you ever been driving down the road and you're like man, man, if I could go back to that cashier and just give him a piece of my mind, I'd have been like you know what, sir? And this whole video just plays out in your head. You're going, man, I would have said this and I'm going to say this, and you're literally like acting it out in your car. Your mind does that in between your questions. So when you ask an open ended question and you don't shut up and listen, your mind is already answering that question. So the moment somebody else answers, it doesn't matter what they say. You already have answered it for yourself and are on attack to get them. Get them the next thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we do this a lot when it comes to road rage as well, and so the if you stop and think, okay, this person just cut me off, you are immediately thinking this guy's a jerk, he meant to do that, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But in reality it may be he may be a jerk. I'm not saying you know, this person that cut you off isn't but they may not have seen you there, they may not have. There may be an infinite number of reasons why they did that without being a jerk, and so the idea is that's what empathy is looking at it and understanding it from someone else's perspective, and that's what active listening is. You are clarifying what their position is, you are mirroring what they are doing, you are listening to their understanding to get their perspective, and then you are adjusting your own perspective based on that information. That's all active listening is. Is empathy Something that, again, we humans are not very good at?
Speaker 1:But it is why it's also. The next one in order is empathy. And it's not like oh man, I just want to understand someone's. You know, it's not just about feeling someone else's feels, okay, it's actually about you know, connecting. You know about those feelings and then when you're, when you're talking, someone's sharing those feelings and you're actively listening and you're paraphrasing back, you're like, oh man, I bet that was really difficult. You know, when you think about the story I just talked about, you know little I did. I say Timmy or Kenny I don't know what name I did was knocked over his blocks because he smells funny and he picks his boogers. Okay, then you know, maybe maybe like understand, oh man.
Speaker 1:Now I have two kids I have to empathize with in this scenario here. Why? Because one kid felt passionate and angry enough to outburst against this Other kid and the other kid feeling that that, that outburst because of the fact that they, they're dealing with whatever you know, and they, they, they have to. They just heard that they smell funny and that they pick their nose, and you know. Now, empathizing with either side of that, I think, is just it's connecting with a little bit more than just the Surface level of everything it's connecting with why these things, why, why certain things matter to another individual.
Speaker 1:And If, if all I'm doing is going, well, man, like you know, you cut me off on the side of the road and you know, and knowing that, like, hey, man, somebody needed to get it. Get you know, get going faster than I did, maybe they needed to get somewhere. You know, whatever it is now, I don't, I don't necessarily, I Probably wouldn't act that way if somebody cut me off on the side of the road. I'd be like bleepity, bleepity, bleep, but but but. But the whole point of this is kind of Looking inside and and searching that to go. How and why is this person feeling this way? Or Feeling like they need to be this, need to go this direction? A?
Speaker 2:few episodes ago, we talked about biases biases that we all have, and that's what really goes into that idea of empathy is that we each have a bias. We each see the world our own individual way, and it's important to look at it and understand it from someone else's. We have to set aside those biases now. It doesn't mean that the other person is going to set aside their biases, but that's where we, as the negotiator Negotiator need to take that role of. We need to shed our bias in order to be able to come to the best possible resolution Clean the room, pick up your toys, stop knocking over kids blocks, whatever it may be one from actively listening to.
Speaker 1:Empathy is a moment in actively listening where I said shut up and listen. It's be quiet. And the reason why silence matters is because when someone else is divulging something, it gives you an opportunity to hear them and Suspend any it, you know, suspend any judgment from happening so that you can Silence and listen to that person and then determine a better way to con converse with them, you know. The third one is rapport, and rapport is basically you have to you Basically half. It's kind of on the heels of empathy. You have to establish kind of where, where that that person's coming from. So I understand that you are, you know how it feels to be this way. Okay, I understand that. You know, like you, you might want to be able to do this.
Speaker 1:Or you know in us, in essence, let me, let me just read this understanding of the persons. You know, once you understand their state of mind, their motives, their objectives, you can start to respond with kind words. Okay, so kind words like the, the person. Oh, man, it's. It's got to be really difficult for you to to be dealing with this. I, I can totally get why you decided to. You know why. You know it makes your nose tickle when you know you're. You're standing next to Timmy. Yeah, I'm trying to like not go down the hostage negotiation road.
Speaker 1:Where am I? I understand why you robbed a bank. It totally makes it no like it's.
Speaker 2:I understand why you don't want to put your toys away. I understand why you don't want to clean your room. I understand why you want to run away right now and go live on the streets, because then you don't have to clean your room, or I think. I know I, as a kid, tried to run away a couple times. I think every little kid has tried to run away at some point.
Speaker 2:But it's those kinds of things where you're building that rapport with them to say I understand when you're coming from, I understand this, and one of the key there is don't just fake it, actually seek to understand. That's where the first two steps come in. Is you know, actually getting that understanding? But then you build that rapport with them and Even when you're talking to your own child, you are, in that moment, building a specific rapport. Yeah, obviously you live with them, you want you know them. Everything is there. But it is in that situation building that specific rapport. I understand that you want to go Outside and run in the sprinkler instead of putting your toys away. That sounds like a lot of fun. However, then then you go on into the next steps of other Items. But that's where that rapport comes in is you're saying I get it and you're Paraphrasing what they said and I like, like you said it, you can't do it manipulatively.
Speaker 1:You can't go into this and be like I checked off the box of active listening, I checked off empathy. You know now I'm in rapport why is it not working. If it comes across as manipulation, you've lost, they're not gonna listen to you, it doesn't matter. It literally is stepping not only into their shoes, but stepping into their mindset about any situation and that way, you know, trying to trying to do that gives them a little bit more I I would say value in in the position they're in. The whole point of that is so that once you're there, you can step into number four. The reason why the these, these three, come first is because you need to condition Somebody to accept the fact that you are standing in their shoes and Now, when you step into number four, you can help influence their decision. Why? Because you know what they said, you know how they feel and you see it through their eyes. Now, that doesn't mean you are on their side. It just means you have completed this world, that they are living, you understand the story that they are learning and telling, but you also have this outside part of this. That is the discerning part that Changes that story, and that's where influence comes in. Now that you know all of these pieces, now that you have mimicked and mirrored and paraphrased and and become and acknowledged their stressors, you can now move into the Number four influence.
Speaker 1:So Oftentimes, when we think about influence, we think about another phase of manipulation, essentially getting somebody to do certain different things by you know leverage, or you know extortion or some other some other approach, by you know emotionally Leveraging something against them and that's motivating. Nope, that's not what we're talking about. Influences, basically, just like love and logic, you are helping this person make a better decision in this situation, and it doesn't matter if you're talking about an actual hostage situation or you're talking about a five-year-old, that you're helping this child make a better decision in this process. Now, how? How does that work? Let's talk about Not cleaning up.
Speaker 1:Not cleaning up your room, okay, well, you know I want you to be able to have. You know I get why. My daughter? Let, I'll use my daughter as a good example, because Cleaning her room is so much fun, yeah, yeah, no, I don't like doing it, but I end up doing it all the time because I don't win in this negotiation here.
Speaker 1:Okay, she has such an easy time making a mess, she can't figure out why it's so difficult to clean it up. It's always so hard and it's so much, and I'm like, well, but, but you got it that way, like literally, it took you about 15 minutes and it's a war zone and you know I need you to clean it up. And you know, like, she wants to go to a friend's house. Okay, well, now I have a scenario. Now I have to listen. Well, you know what you know, like, start actively listening. Now I empathize. I totally understand. You know why, like, if you have such a big mess in your room, it's really difficult.
Speaker 1:But I did want to go over to my friend's house and play, right, is that? Is that what you wanted to go do? Yeah, okay, well, I Definitely want to make sure that my messes are taking care of before I do that. Huh, yeah, because I can't go to bed later in a mess. I don't even have a bed to sleep on. I need to clean it up. Yeah, okay, all right. Well, you know, my kids gonna have some level of reason in that. Where she, she's, she's like, okay, yeah, you're right, I have to. I have to go to bed later and if I just leave it and go play, then I won't be able to. You know, and maybe, maybe that's not the maybe that's not the best example.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, it's hard to come up with examples like this, you know, because we're we're basically Imagining both sides of the situation, so I mean we can manipulate that story to whatever we want, right? But I mean, a good example of this is you say You're bringing logic back into this and so you're using the understanding that you have to bring a logical understanding. And so you say you want to go out and play with your friend. Well, if you have a dirty room, it means that you're gonna have to come home earlier, that if you're playing with your friend, you have to come home earlier than you might want to. Is that true? And again, you're paraphrasing that You're helping them to mimic those kinds of things.
Speaker 2:So they paraphrase it back to you and confirm or deny your premise, and then by them walking through that process and say, okay, so if that's a solution we don't want, then what is another solution that we can do? And so they say, well, if I clean it now, then I can spend more time with my friends because I don't have to come back early. Yeah, that's great. And so they clean up now, they go spend time with friends, everything's good. Or I want to go spend time with friends. Well, you're going to have to come back a half hour early to do that. Are you going to be able to do that? And a lot of times they'll say, yeah, so you may have lost that situation because you know they won't come back on time. But the next time you say this is another solution, but last time we tried that and it didn't work, did it? And that idea of now you're bringing in more of this story, more of the back examples, and they say, no, you're right, I didn't. And then you can use that as an opportunity to influence them to understand that their decision making after the fact isn't great and so it helps build.
Speaker 2:I hope you can see and understand that all of these tools are helping not just to get the job done, but it's actually helping them to learn and grow and develop Cause in the end, it really doesn't matter if the room's clean. It really really doesn't. Right? You know it's not the end of the world, it's not a big issue. The most important thing is you are helping them to learn and develop those logical processes so that as they grow up, it doesn't become an issue again. They understand what they need to do in the future.
Speaker 2:That's where these things I mean, these things are great for a hostage negotiation and a 35 year old, but what these do is it really helps to develop that as a young person and be able to learn how to communicate, learn how to understand. And they're going to mimic you. They're going to be following what you're doing and then, by the time they're a teenager, they're going to be turning this around on you and you're going to be so proud. You're going to hate it, but you're going to be so proud. Yes, that hey. They just use those hostage negotiation tricks on me to get what they wanted.
Speaker 1:So one of the things that it talks about in step four on this article here is reframing the objectives in a way that addresses a deeper or more relevant problem than the one they originally presented with you so or presented you with so.
Speaker 1:Let's say, for example, we talk about the room. You just used it, you reframed it to go well, then you're going to have to come home earlier if you go play with your friends because we have to get to the point of cleaning your room. So I mean, I wouldn't want you to have less time with your friends. You know, the reality is that. You know, just like you said, it really doesn't matter either way the room, you know, ultimately they're dirty from the time they are born until they no longer live in your house and it's not their room anymore. But, but, but the idea is is when you reframed their thought process, it lends easy to the behavioral change in number five. Number five behavioral change essentially is and this is the problem that most people go to when we look at behavioral change especially, I'm I'm like I said, I'm a parent, I have kids, I have a seven year old actively, you know, being difficult active right and probably right now at my house, you know.
Speaker 2:But it's a pretty safe bet.
Speaker 1:But, but usually, as parents especially, we come at this right at behavioral change. We we even forget influence. There's no reason for influence. Why, like that's love and logic, there you go. Okay, like we can use love and logic right there, get that, get that reframing happening.
Speaker 1:But no, you know, if I'm I'm from, unfortunately, the church circles very much are about this First time every time, first time obedience. So having my kids when they were little recite when do we obey First time? When every time. Okay. So what does that mean? That means, if I say no, I have no other explanation, I'm in charge, you listen to me. And that's, that's scary, that's intimidating.
Speaker 1:You hear other parents that are like you're over your cringing, as I'm admitting to you that, like these are the approaches that I was coached. Parents who were like you know, your kids are so good, how are they so good? You're like, no, they weren't. They're terrible demons too, just like yours are, you know. But at the end of the day, like these principles have applied, they're not. It isn't something like I was told. I was out of line if I didn't expect first time every time. Like you, obey first time every time. And that was it. That's the only option. There are moments where I feel like that is the essential, like you are too unreasonable. Now we just go with option number one. You obey me.
Speaker 1:I'm dad because I said so you are making me dad. Do not make me, you know, but I become Hulk dad. But what's interesting is, behavioral change happens because we land on reframing of a perspective, when they have a little bit more broad perspective about what's going on. Behavioral change is not expecting someone to just accept your truth. Here's what it is, this is what it's going to be. You obey me? Okay, sure, they're two. Good luck. They're three. Good luck, they're 30. Good luck, nobody, nobody.
Speaker 1:Everybody has their own truth. The best thing that you can do is get them to see that truth and get you to meet both your truths to meet, so that they don't have to accept your truth as the only thing. It's finding the common ground because of that influence that says okay, and being able to adjust the outcome. Look, you got the room cleaned. Why? Because you gave a little bit bigger perspective. So I want to play with my friends. That's the truth. Yes, you're absolutely right, you also have a mess. That's my truth.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I don't want you to just go right to mine, because if I say this is how it goes, you're not going to listen to me, but if I let you know a little bit bigger perspective, you're not going to be able to play with them for very long if you don't do this. Oh, you know we'll get it in gear. Go take care of that. They go take care of that. Perfect, now you know, they don't realize that they may have just burned an hour cleaning their friends the same way. That's. That's not the point of the story. Okay, they don't know how to tell time yet. It's okay. Well, and they'll learn.
Speaker 2:For next time. Yes, yeah, and, and that's the idea is that the reason it is important that we use these things, versus going right into behavioral change or using the archaic methods of physical punishment, is Because this helps them to grow into well adjusted adults. They are able to develop empathy, they're able to develop logical reasoning, they are able to develop all of these things Within the household, and when that is fostered and when that's developed, they become much, much, much better adults. And so that's the key is just allowing them to learn and grow and develop these things, and they're gonna learn it when you use it.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:If you don't ever use it, where are they gonna learn it from? I mean, maybe they'll learn it from school, and I'm just gonna give a shout out to any young people who may be listening to this Start using these tactics too. These work works both ways. If you want to get your way, use it.
Speaker 2:Yeah because it really is, and and again, you're helping your parents to reframe their understanding of your perspective and it really helps develop that, that long-term relationship, because now you are pushing them to To remove their biases by using these same techniques, by allowing them to understand your point of view through logic and through empathy, and so these are all great things to do, whether you're an adult or Whether you're a teen, yeah or whether you're a boss or whether you are Working with a boss. You know, whatever it is, using these tools. Let's say, you want time off at work, use these tools, use these tactics to get some more time off. You want to raise? Use these tactics to get a raise.
Speaker 2:All these things work really well in all aspects of life we are talking about. You know, parenting and how to deal with little kids, but these kinds of techniques are Invaluable in the world and if you think about teaching your young kids these skills at that young age, then they're gonna be much better at it by the time they become adults and they're gonna be able to get those raises. They're gonna be able to be the boss. They're gonna be able to do all those things and become very successful.
Speaker 1:Well, and if you're not familiar with it, if it's kind of something that this is brand spanking new, give it a try, test it and see how it works and then then then it gives you an opportunity to really kind of go okay. Yeah, you know, like there I have some options here. I want to stay in the lane of children for a second here. I have one more list, okay, and I'm only gonna, I'm gonna kind of fly through this, because what we just talked about as far as this we correlated with children and child rearing, and you know, probably the biggest thing about this is this is just, you know, encourage, you know more effective parenting techniques, steps that that really kind of Lend in your favor towards children. And I'm just gonna do it really quick, and I guess my my thing would be pay attention to Just the titling that I'm covering about how it correlates with what we just talked about, because Every single one of them is tied into what we just talked about. So, number one boost your child's self-esteem. I want to give it, yes, any chance you have sees the day. Number two catch kids being good when you, when they get praised. Oh my goodness, wow, that was so great. I'm glad you were. You did that, thank you, you know.
Speaker 1:Three set limits and be consistent with your discipline. Okay, if they go ten minutes beyond playing video games and you said, hey, we gave you this much time, ten minutes, gonna have to take that off next time. Okay, whatever it be, it doesn't have to be video games, could be anything that you guys have your limits and expectations. Number four make time for your kids, not just time to be in the same household, be in the space. You guys live together a lot more of the hours of every day than when you're not together, but that doesn't mean that you spend time together and that's the important part of is take, take and make Intentional time for your kids.
Speaker 1:Number five be a good role model. Like we just said, when your kids see you doing all of those five steps and negotiating hostages down, you know they're gonna be able to do the same things and have those Really really most highly effective communication skills that barely anybody on earth has. Number six make Communication a priority. Weird last time we talked about how, once you open those channels of communication, if they're fair and they're honest and you are implementing these things as as something, as an essential ingredient. You will have a Fantastic dialogue with your kids doesn't mean that it'll be magic and ponies and all this kind of stuff and rainbows. It will just be a really good, enriching Time of life with your kids. Number seven be flexible and willing to adjust your parenting styles. Guys, every single one of us has, we all have blindfolds on and we're running straight at a wall. That is. That is parenting 101.
Speaker 2:Okay, it's a good.
Speaker 1:Number eight show that your love is unconditional. They're gonna screw up, they're gonna make you so angry you, just, you just can't stop. You want to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs and just Bah. You know whatever you have to do, but know that it doesn't matter. They could do anything on earth and nothing changes how much you love those kids. Okay.
Speaker 1:Number nine Know your own needs and limitations as a parent. Okay, I think one of the things that I have to learn myself is I will often Not give myself the break, the room, the breath to catch my breath before I Respond or react, and that means that I'm not knowing my limitations. I've exceeded it, I'm mad and I'm reacting right there. Okay, so my needs are. I need a moment to catch my breath. I need that silence in that active listening, even if that's the only space you have is ask an open-ended question and catch your breath. Just be quiet. Believe me, it is the most terrifying thing to a kid if you aren't saying a word and You're just trying to calm yourself down before you speak. They have no idea what you're saying, what you're thinking, what's what's about to happen. You were just silent.
Speaker 2:It also works to get a confession out of them.
Speaker 1:Yes, so you know these are not definitive lists, but you know this is an effective strategy that the FBI has used for years and years and years, and you know it's. It's interesting how much this works in. It's not a hostage, it was hostage negotiation. It is just being a civilized human being that is considerate to others and having great communication skills. That's all. That is, yeah, I. But really, why does it actually take a professional with a title as a negotiator to have what every human should have? That is sad.
Speaker 2:It is.
Speaker 2:I mean we've lost a lot of these skills and we need to develop them again. We've become a very selfish society. We look at ourselves first. That's why, when we were looking at the list of biases, it was what 180 something Real biases that we have and the numbers growing every generation. We think about ourselves first. I mean that's the number one principle of economic principle is humans will behave in their own best interest first, and all economic charts, all economic teaching is based on that one principle. And it's just it's really scary that we are so selfish and that it continues to get worse. But being empathetic, that active listening, looking at someone else first, is so important to that process. And the more we can teach our kids, the more we can reverse the path that we're on of becoming more and more selfish and in time, hopefully become less and less selfish.
Speaker 1:So before we, before we run too much on time, I do want to shift gears and at least update, you know, not necessarily on a selfish approach, but just kind of where we are. You know, in the last couple of weeks we put out an episode that was about us getting in shape and working on our health and capturing some of those things I will. I will admit that I probably am moving a lot slower than I thought I would. I did go work out, I did do some jujitsu training the other week and gas out training, just doing specific training with people, like I was done Literally. I felt like I was so out of shape the moment that the older brown belt guy was like you just take your time, man, you're okay. And I was like what am I like? Making lots of like dying noises? Is this why you're coaching me on being, it's all right, like I don't want to go back until I'm not sounding like I'm going to die while I train.
Speaker 2:Like well, and one of the reasons we want to share this is because a lot of times we feel like when we start a new process or anything it's you know, we get discouraged.
Speaker 2:And so easily having someone to talk to about this when you're on your own journey is really important. Give progress reports, give updates. You know and know that none of us are perfect, you know. That's why we want to talk about this, and it's we want to show you that this is the real. We're not that guy that all the YouTube commercials I always see. You know, he's lifting up his shirt with the abs. Oh, this is after two weeks of a workout.
Speaker 1:And all I do is eat pizza and you're like what is wrong with you Like this isn't that?
Speaker 2:I mean that, that is. You know that that's marketing.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know this is real. These are real guys who are in real shapes, that are working on getting into different shapes.
Speaker 1:If, if I could, if I could someday, you don't want me to lift my shirt, it would be a hairy bagel. That's basically what it is. I don't think anyone wants that image of either of us.
Speaker 1:No one ever. So, that being said, yeah, I, I I still have the gym membership I have to work on some more gym oriented routines. Rather than going and training for a little bit just so that I feel more comfortable, and I don't, you know, sound like I'm going to die, I'll go to the gym and sound like I'm going to die because there's a lot of other people there that'll do that too. But when you're directly hands on training with somebody and you sound like that, they really are concerned, and I'm concerned about that because I'm not hearing it myself. So, anyway, that that being said, I'm doing that. I have adjusted what I am eating as far as I'm going towards more of a Mediterranean style diet.
Speaker 1:There's a book that I'll be reading soon called the blue zones, and it talks about basically it's. It's talking about the, the cultures and societies that live around the equator, that are some of the longest living human beings on earth, Like that region produces the longest living humans on earth. And why? What is it about them? That kind of stuff, Now, it's really gimmicky, you know. It's gotten down that road where they're like we can really capitalize on this, let's make money. You know, of course it gets distorted, but but the principle still is there and that's what I'm gravitating towards is like okay, let's talk about like the steps, not the flashy stupidity. Like you know, I don't care that the happiest people on earth I'm not, but anyway, that being said, that that's kind of where I'm at. Um, I do you want to admit to where you're at?
Speaker 2:So I've been doing really good on the the physical side of it, so being more active, uh, so that's been good. So it's just before we started the podcast, I was checking the health stats on, uh, my iPhone. Uh, and I am 80% more active, uh, this year than I was the same time last year, uh, so that's really good. Um, I've been, I think it's about 50% more steps in a day than I was, uh, you know, even a couple of months ago, so that's been really good. I've been more active, um, eating. I've been, you know, eating a little bit more junk than I should the last few weeks. Um, eating more emotionally than logically. Uh, I still do all my food prep. It's just when I get home at night I just don't feel like pulling out my chicken and rice and heating it up, and that cheeseburger just sounds a whole lot better, and so I haven't been doing so great on that side of it. Uh, I do. I am looking at getting an exercise machine, so a big, you know, workout machine, uh, to be able to do some of that. I have noticed I'm getting a little bit more definition in my midsection Nice, so I've still got, you know, the the little, uh, muffin top that comes down, um, but closer up to my ribs I can actually see the some definition of muscles going on. So it, the exercise side of it, um, seems to be working. Uh, and for the most part, I mean, dinner is the meal where I've been failing the most, uh, but breakfast and lunch I'm actually doing really good on it.
Speaker 2:Uh, I figured out a new snack, uh, because one of the things that I have a hard time with is finding snacks that are low sodium, low fat, high protein, and so, uh, you can do nuts, but nuts are super expensive, and so it's just it's really hard to get enough out of the um. You know, peanuts or cashews or whatever, uh, plus, it's really hard to find them that are lightly salted, and even when they're lightly salted, it's not low sodium, um. So I actually looked up how to make my own refried beans, and so I have been making my own refried beans, and it is insanely easy. It takes me maybe five, 10 minutes to make a big batch of refried beans, and so I get.
Speaker 2:I've also been making my own tortilla chips. So I got the corn tortillas, cut them into six parts, put them in the air fryer, and so I've got my own chips, no salt. I've got my low sodium, no fat pinto beans that I make into my refried beans, and so it's a great evening snack when I'm feeling I want something else. Good amount of calories that are non fat calories, they're good protein, there's good fiber, and so it's actually been working out really well to be able to do that when I'm not eating the cheeseburgers for dear, and so it's. I found a really good setup that seems to be working on days that I'm not emotionally eating and so and so far I think I've been feeling the impact. I do need to get a scale. I do want to get a scale for the office, for both of us.
Speaker 1:Oh, no, no, I have a scale at home and so I, I I very regularly weigh myself, mainly for the sake that I learned a couple years ago that that's actually a helpful part of the process. Even minor, minor, minor, minor, it might, it might just be water for for something like that. But even those minor increments that you're, you're dropping weight are, you know you, as you do that regularly, like daily, you do this and you weigh in, you're going to see these increments, like, continue to gradually drop and just seeing it do that, you want it to keep going. You look forward to the next day. Staying true to what you're doing is giving you that immediate result that we so crazy, we crave. We crave immediate like satisfaction, and so that's a way to kind of see that, as by weighing every day so that you do this. Now, granted, if you cave and eat a cheeseburger, you're going to see the immediate result.
Speaker 1:The next day, however, you, you also. It works both ways, you'll see that, and it's not going to be just devastating, because you're like, oh man, I had a weekend binge. I didn't, you know, I didn't do anything. And then all of a sudden I'm like I put on five pounds, like what just happened. Guys, it's water weight, okay, and two keep keep weighing daily, like that. That. That is something that will give you that immediate satisfaction that your body, your mind craves.
Speaker 2:Yeah, another thing that I want to do. So one of the reasons I want to get it scale is not just for weight, because it's not necessarily always about weight. So one thing that's going to be happening to me is this exercise machine that I want to get is going to help me build muscle, and so it's. I may not actually lose pounds, because I will be working out, and so I will be building muscle, which is going to increase my weight, while losing fat, which will hopefully net down, but it's not going to be like this huge, drastic decrease in weight. But what I want to get is one that tracks your what is it? Your body fat percentage.
Speaker 2:Okay, because my big problem we talked about this when we did this is the, the fat infiltration within my torso, because that's where all the fat distributes of my body is in my torso, and so it impinges on all my organs. So to be healthy, I need to get rid of as much of that fat as possible. So it's not about you know looking good and you know walking around with that six pack. It's about getting rid of that fat.
Speaker 1:I mean that's a good side effect.
Speaker 2:It is I'm not saying I'm not going to you know, like that, but it's. It's more about being healthy, yeah, and so for me, for me specifically, it is getting rid of that, that fat percentage within my body composition, and so that's one thing that I really want to start tracking more of, so that I can see, as I'm doing the exercise, as I'm doing the workouts to build muscle, that I can see that fat decrease.
Speaker 1:Well then you got to step barefoot and hold a little wand Like there are ones without the wands. Okay, all right.
Speaker 2:So and just so anyone knows the way they do, that is, they send electrical charge through the body, and so fat and muscle respond differently to the electrical charge. So that's how they calculate what that is.
Speaker 1:I don't need that kind of honesty in my life.
Speaker 2:All right. So yeah so that's the updates. That's where we're at.
Speaker 1:Well, hey guys, if you guys have just caught onto the show and managed to make it to the end, I don't know maybe like and subscribe. Thank you, yes, thank you very much. Leave a comment or two. We'd like to hear from you, our listener, if this stuff is valuable and helpful and that it helps. That basically helps us get in front of new viewers and other viewers that are out there. But we've reached the end of our show and we got to stop. We're like way over our time that we're supposed to do. We always are. Thanks for listening and watching. Life is too short, so keep live, blah goodness. Life is too short, so keep laughing and learning and remember idiots have way more fun.