The Language Experiment
How do I raise a multilingual child? Will exposing my child to multiple languages confuse them? Will their speech be delayed? How can I give them enough exposure to my mother tongue? These were just some of the questions that Kaisa and Camillo had when they were expecting their first child. Originally from Finland and Brazil, now living in the French speaking part of Canada, the couple searched for answers, literature and resources about multilingual upbringing.
When their research turned out unfruitful, they agreed to do what felt most natural to them: practicing their own languages with their daughter while incorporating two local languages on top of that. The Language Experiment is a podcast where Kaisa and Camillo share their journey on multilingual parenting with hopes of helping and encouraging other parents who are looking to raise multilingual children. There will be interviews, practical tips and plenty of real life experiences and perspectives on multilingualism.
You’ll discover how they helped their daughter become quadrilingual before the age of three only by reading, singing, playing and spending time outdoors with her. You’ll learn to recognize and critically assess some of the myths surrounding multilingual parenting. You’ll also hear from other parents and learn what worked for them and what didn’t. If you are a parent raising or wanting to raise children with multiple languages, this podcast is a must-listen. Hit subscribe now and join the community!
The Language Experiment
The challenges of balancing multiple languages at home
005 - In this episode, we tackle the challenges of balancing multiple languages within a family.
From maintaining equal exposure to dealing with feelings of exclusion, we explore common hurdles faced by parents raising bilingual children. We also discuss how temporary or permanent changes in family dynamics can impact language learning, and the struggle of finding a balance between language acquisition and everyday life.
With personal stories and practical tips, we share strategies for ensuring language exposure, fostering inclusivity, and adapting to changes. This episode is filled with insights and reflections to help you navigate the multilingual adventure.
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Greetings everyone. Welcome back to the show from Hot and Humid Montreal.
Kaisa:Welcome. We're in our basement. That's the only cool place in the city.
Camillo:That's true. before we start, there's something really interesting about living here in, in Canada, especially here in Montreal. You just move from this arctic winter to extreme hot summers, so minus 30 to plus 35. It's just really interesting and challenging.
Kaisa:Mm-hmm.
Camillo:Especially for me coming from Brazil where weather is. Relatively the same all the time. But this is basically what every single person actually will face when they decide to change their lives and move away from their home country to a place that's completely different from where you used to live. And it's really interesting
Kaisa:Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Making a big change.
Camillo:Change and challenges are part of life, And that's precisely why today we're gonna be talking about the challenges of balancing multiple languages in the family.
Kaisa:we thought this would be a good topic because it's obviously, a big part of our everyday life and These are also things that many parents who are doing, what we're doing, are struggling with. And these might also be things that new parents to be are, thinking about how, so they already know that this challenge exists and, and they're already wondering and what are the strategies that I can use to, handle these challenges. So we've chosen to talk about four challenges today and they are certainly not the only ones cuz there are plenty. But, today we're gonna tackle these four.
Camillo:And fun fact, recently we were, at the park and we end up meeting with this. Dad from, the daycare where our daughters are in currently, and he was talking about the difficulties that his daughter is having speaking different languages, speaking within the daycare itself. some of the questions that he had during that conversation would actually. Fit for this episode. And it's funny because we were preparing this episode at the same time and we just bumped on him by accident and this happened.
Kaisa:I think a lot of this episode was inspired by, that conversation that we had with this person that we just met. So, so that's it. Let's start with challenge number one. maintaining equal exposure to all languages. this is a really tough one because as anyone who has learned or tried to learn a new language, knows, getting exposure to that language is by far the most important thing about learning. if you don't get enough exposure, it doesn't matter how many. years you studied or the kind of things that you did. But if you don't get consistent exposure to a language, it's very easy to lose it. And this is exactly the case for little children learning languages. When we have a family such as, our family, where we have two different languages that are being spoken, one by each parent, sometimes it is a struggle to make sure that the children get equal exposure to, both of those languages. And I guess, a good example of where this balance is a bit harder to find would be if there was a couple where let's say two languages, two different languages are being spoken. And this a couple where the parents are following the one parent, one language, strategy. let's say one of the parents works full time and the other one stays home, with the children. this way one of the parents gives much more exposure to their own language, to the children, as opposed to the partner that works. What should you do in this kind of situation? Should the person who spends more time with the kids try to teach both of these languages to the children, or just keep teaching their own language and then just accept that the other language doesn't get that much exposure? it's a tricky question. What do you think Camillo?
Camillo:I'd say for this kind of situations, when you have one of the parents that are mostly absent due to work, try to keep that exposure in place. How can you do that? I believe one of the things that you can do is try to balance it out, that absence with features around the house, that will bring that language back to the kid. Your dialogue with the kids, your interactions with them. you know, go take a shower. Let's go outside. Let's go for a walk, or whatever you need to do. The kids are gonna be on your own language. You are present, you are with them. However, if the kid is watching a cartoon, if the kids listening to music, if they need to read a book, if they already, know how to read, try to have those exclusively. On the language from the absent parent. That way you try to keep that exposure, always there and the kid will not lose contact with the language.
Kaisa:Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think that's a good, that's one good way of balancing it out without actually having to take on. A language, like another language yourself and try to teach two, because I think that becomes tricky, and especially if you're not super familiar. With the other partner's language, obviously, I'm sure it is doable for many people, and I know that there are many parents out there who are teaching two languages or maybe even more at the same time, but just the difficulty level always, goes up. So obviously it is every family's choice what they feel comfortable with doing. And I would say that if one parent works and one stays at home, just making sure that the parent who's working really is involved with the routine of the, kid or the kids in the morning and in the evening when they're back from work, if at all possible. even this small amount of time. in the morning and in the evening, and then obviously during weekends when hopefully they're not working. this makes a big difference, even though it's, it wouldn't be the exact amount of time that is equal between the two parents, make that time count and try to be present in that moment and try to talk and communicate with your kids as much as possible. it's not always just about the quantity of the time, but if you only have a little bit of time, just make sure that is, of a good quality and that you are present in that moment.
Camillo:And I just thought of a different strategy for the parents that, do speak the two languages. one thing that you could do is if one of the parents speak both languages, in this case, the language of the parent that is currently at work. You could switch the strategy a little bit to you adapt two of the strategies that we talk about in our previous episode. By the way, if you didn't listen to the previous episode, I would recommend because there's a lot of, insights that we might be talking here. That you might be a little bit lost if we start talking about OPOL time and play and so forth. So take a look at the last episode about the four, strategies that parents can use with their child. And then you come back to this episode and continue listen to, to what we are discussing here right now, but getting back to the parent that speaks both languages. You can use your time and play strategy. You while the other parents are at, work. You can say, Hey, on this floor we speak this language on, the other floor, we speak a different language. Or, in the morning we speak a, in the afternoon we speak B till, dad or mom comes back home.
Kaisa:Mm-hmm.
Camillo:This way you keep exposure, you keep the quality, like as I said, the quantity. Quantity is not. Necessarily good quality is better, so if you keep the quality and the exposure there. You should be good to go.
Kaisa:Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I think if you ever notice that there is some kind of an imbalance between the languages, there are also some other small adjustments that you can do. you can make sure that, you have these WhatsApp or FaceTime conversations with family and friends who speak that particular language that's a little bit weaker. I mean, if you don't live, live near family. If possible, you can also try to travel to a, to see your family or to a country where that language is spoken to get a little bit of extra exposure. Obviously that's not always an option for everyone, at least to be doing all the time, but, we just went to, went to Finland for one month and we hadn't. Been there. I think the last time we had traveled anywhere was before the pandemic, so 2019. And we were in Finland for a month and I think that trip was transformative. Yeah. For the girls in that sense. When, when it comes to language, social interactions obviously not everyone can go, go on a trip for, for a month, but even just a week or a couple of weeks, can make a huge difference, in the kids' lives and in the, the way that they learn the language.
Camillo:and this trip to film was interesting. just because myself as a non speaker, I was able to also test my Finnish. facing these situations where people come to talk to me and I just discovered that I understand more than I thought, that I was understanding.
Kaisa:Mm-hmm.
Camillo:I was able to go to the mall and some, interaction would come and and I was able to understand the context, at least answer. And get away from the situation and was, was really fun and all that learning based on this, exposure mm-hmm. That I had all these years between, you two.
Kaisa:Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Camillo:And, and it's really interesting also, it's really interesting to see my daughter. Being the official translator. So whenever we are just walking around, she's tapping me saying, Hey dad, that person said this. That other person said that. I was oh, nice. I have a spy now.
Kaisa:Mm-hmm. Yeah. She really is a spy. the trip was not only good for the kids, but it was great for you and your language learning. I think that's a good segway to the next challenge, which is also very common and it is family members or partners feeling excluded within a family because of language
Camillo:I know that sometimes it's difficult if you don't speak the language and then you have your kid talking to your partner about, any kind of topic and you absolutely don't understand what's going on. This happens all the time, at least used, to happen all the time with me. I have never had exposure to Finnish, whatsoever, actually. when I start to, to hear you two speaking, Finnish between yourselves it's just mind blowing. To see that I was this outsider, in the room. However, if you feel like that, it's normal. But what I think what's important here is not how you, you feel, it's what are you trying to achieve. yes, it's a little bit weird in the beginning. But it's for the wellbeing of the kid. They are the ones that need that in their lives, and you are the ones that are providing that. With time, believe it or not, you will start to understand this new language in your life. You, like I say, a lot of times to people when we travel to Finland these days, some people come to me and say, Hey, do you speak Finnish? And this time I can say, well, I speak basic daycare, Finnish. I understand a lot of things. I understand the context. I can say words and simple sentences. It's a new word that opens to you. don't let your feelings get in the way of the learning of the children. You are there to support them. And not to try to block that learning curve.
Kaisa:I think this is a, it's a pretty tricky situation and I can, I can somewhat relate to people's feelings of exclusion and sometimes those feelings are not just, within the family itself. They could be experienced by the extended family, such as grandparents or, maybe friends or something like that. Can also be, be cultural in many ways. in some cultures in a company with other people, if someone speaks a different language to their child, for example, it's considered very rude. and then there are other cultures where it's not such a big deal. there are so many different variables that go into this. there's nothing wrong With feeling excluded in a way. it can be quite normal in that kind of a situation but let's just say that if it is friends or extended family who, feel excluded because someone is speaking a different language, I think it's always worth to clarify to them. What is your goal? Why are you trying to do this? And just saying that you hope that they can, understand because in the end, it is a decision that you have made as a family to take a certain language approach and follow, through with that. And in the end it's nobody else's choice. If someone feels offended by it or hurt by it, it's too bad. That doesn't mean that it should interfere with this language learning that your child is getting from that.
Camillo:Exactly. I think one good thing that we applied at least, to our families was to let them know. In advance that this dynamic would happen. They understood. I'm not sure how they felt in their own intimacy because this is would be impossible to know unless they openly say it, but it's your family dynamic, your life as a multilingual family. Exist that way due to several different reasons, and these reasons belong to your family only. That's key to you. To keep in mind, you have a lingual family because of specific reasons they're happening around your family. Only your extended family might. Feel the effects because obviously they are part of your family, but I believe it's your, your job as well to prepare that terrain and let them know that this is how it goes, it's needed, why it's needed. You can work, this way with them and make them understand what's going on. It's nothing personal. you're not trying to hide anything from them talking in a different language also, because it's not gonna be, the entire family. It's just mom and, children or, or dad and children at that, at that moment. And this is, this is how it goes afterwards. If they're curious, they can ask or you can immediately translate once the conversation is done. And this is your new dynamic. I think if you prepare the terrain well, they would accept in a nice way.
Kaisa:Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think it's important to set the expectations right within the family as well as in the extended family and group of friends, if that's necessary. For us, the ultimate remedy or the ultimate strategy for. No one in the, in the immediate family to, to feel excluded is to simple learn your partner's language. If mom and dad speak different languages to the children, the only way to avoid feeling excluded and actually, well, we did that from, At the beginning, we, we were always trying to learn each other's languages. Not in any kind of a formal studying way, but just listening. And when, whenever we had questions, whenever we were wondering what the other person was saying, we were asking, and then just observing,
Camillo:I think you're right. Um, Be curious if you didn't understand. obviously because you don't speak their language. Ask if you think that in your family, everybody should know what's going on. Just have this agreement beforehand and tell your partner. Whenever you talk to the kids, as soon as they finish talking, translate to me. Tell me what happened.
Kaisa:Mm-hmm.
Camillo:On the other hand, you should have this commitment as well to learn. And this act of translating all the actions, all the conversations that are going on will teach you that language to the point that you will not need to ask anymore.
Kaisa:Mm-hmm.
Camillo:Just to give an example, I already, talked about myself not knowing anything in Finnish. You fast forward five years and now I do have several interactions where Kaisa is talking in Finnish with our daughters, and I absolutely know everything that has been said. I might not be able to answer in finish. I'm not going to be able to enter the dialogue in finish, but I know what was said and I know the full context of the conversation. Then I join the conversation in Portuguese and I just say it, yes, mom is right because of these reasons. And the kid just looks at me. And it starts to talk to me in Portuguese. The dynamic will get to a point where everybody will be able to have this kind of conversations and they're really basic and to the point that when you get stuck and you stop understanding, go there and ask again. This way. You keep the dynamic, you keep the exposure, you keep the kid interested on each of your languages, and you don't feel excluded anymore. You are part of the crew.
Kaisa:Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think, and I think this is, I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who think that they're not that good at languages, so, It'll be too difficult for them to even, to learn to understand their partner's language. They might think that, well, their partner's language is, really difficult, but I think. Think you learning, being exposed to finish for five years and now around the five year mark, being at the point where you could understand pretty much everything that I'm talking, to our daughters and or when we're traveling in Finland and. And, and whatnot. And you being able to, to communicate. yeah. Daycare Finnish. You were able to communicate to kids. So give these simple instructions to kids and have these simple conversations. that's pretty impressive because Finnish is a really difficult language. Of course. I'm not saying that. it's the most difficult language you could learn. Of course, the maybe. A language that would have a completely different kind of alphabet would be even harder. But I would say the finish is up there. And you did it. Obviously it took, it took some time. So please, whoever thinks that it is too difficult to learn, theirs partner's language, of course. It might be, but it might not be. Just be there. Be interested. ask questions when you're not sure. And. You know, after some years you might just be surprised about how much you can suddenly understand, I think that learning the other person's language is absolutely number one, because it's not only beneficial for the family and for you to understand the conversations that are going on, but chances are that. Your partner's family in her home country also speaks that language and maybe you're gonna travel to that country, maybe you visit that country. there are so many other benefits from understanding and being able to communicate in that language. So it's really, it's this gift that keeps on giving. but, anyway, let's move on to challenge three. another challenge, That multilingual family could encounter is a temporary or permanent change in the family life. an example of this would be divorce. I. Could even be death in a family or move to a different country where a different language is spoken. Something big that really changes the dynamic and more specifically the language dynamic in a family, maybe one language will, will disappear and the exposure to that language will be removed because of this change. or new language will be added. what are the strategies to, combat this kind of temporary or permanent changes
Camillo:change is really hard, right? It's, it's something that have such an impact in everyone's lives. I believe in these cases where you have, temporary or permanent changed, like I mentioned, it's important to. Try to seek support from all the families, friends. and if you do have extended family that live nearby, they're, they for sure they're good support for you. Trying to adapt to the new culture where you're inserted in. See all the mannerisms, trying to see how people live, how people talk. I think that's also a good thing to do, be more open to this kind of situation. Basically embrace the change and not make that change to become a hurdle and make every single effort to find a way to make those changes. A positive experience for everyone. nobody here, it's saying that's going to be easy. I am not in such a, a scenario to be the owner of the truth here, but I believe. These could be at least the starting point.
Kaisa:Definitely. When it comes to changes in your life, if there are these changes that you can plan for and that you know that are coming, maybe that'll be easier. You have, you have time to adapt. You can look for resources. You can look for people who have gone through the same thing. You can prepare yourself to move to a different country or a different city, for example. And you can help your children to prepare for that as well. There are these sudden abrupt changes that you can't plan for. And I think in those cases it's just important for everyone to get the support and help that they need. Just to make sure that everyone in the, in the family is okay, and once everybody's feeling more or less stable, then you can take a look at what your next steps will be and what will your strategy be going forward. And, and like Camillo said, sometimes. we'll have to compromise and sometimes some of these changes that we did not want to happen, unfortunately, they are permanent and we'll just have to accept them. that's very much what life is all about.
Camillo:That's precisely it. I believe. Now this brings us to challenge number four, which would be balancing language learning with all the life demands. we know that especially for the families that are alone in different country or they moved way too far away, From their extended family and life gets busy. Life gets busy, things get on the way. It will be really difficult to prioritize language learning just because things are all over the place. That's the time when you need to stop and stick to your guns. Let's. Make sure that the language learning for the children, it's not affected, or at least it's not affected that much to the point that they're going to lose that contact with those languages. It's important to set different strategies. To make the language learn part of their everyday life, you might have to incorporate them into daily routines, finding fun activities to do together, and never forget that you will have to adapt and set realistic goals. To be able to not lose yourself in this hurricane of new things that are happening around your family.
Kaisa:I think the more integrated the language and the language learning is in your routine and in your everyday life. The more effective it will be or the more doable it will be. Let's say that the language learning in your family is mostly outsourced to, for example, tutors or some kind of hobbies that the kids go to And then if there's any kind of a disruption with those or any kind of changes and they suddenly, go away for, whatever reason, or sometimes you just don't have the time or the capacity or the energy to kind of deal with these external, sources in a way. But then the everyday life, the routine and the things that you do at home with your children, all the chores that you have at home, those are the things that you will most likely be doing every day. the more you can, have those situations be the language rich situations. those be the situations where you interact the most with your kids, where you listen to music with them or sing with them when you read books to them. that's something that will help you balance it all out. If you have to drive your kid somewhere else for them to learn the language, maybe on a good week or a good month, that's okay, but as soon as you are not able to do that for whatever reason, then. That source goes away maybe momentarily or maybe permanently, Just don't create too much work for yourself with the language. try to integrate it in all, aspects of, life. And we believe that balancing it all will be, little bit easier. Obviously. It's never going to be easy. but whatever you can do to ease that load for yourself a little bit while not having your kids lose the exposure, of course you should absolutely do whatever it is that makes it a little bit easier for you.
Camillo:Yeah. If you, if you play an instrument, try to make silly songs together with them. That works a lot here. At home, I'm always trying to, play silly songs using the language, I'm playing guitar and I ask them to just come up with anything. And you see that at some point they, start to create their own music using the language that you are teaching them. It's, the, the rewards are there and they're everywhere. everybody that is teaching any language to their kids, they should keep a few things in mind. They're really important time. It's important for them. We as adults, sometimes we take things for granted. We think that the kid is not learning or talking enough, and this is not essentially the truth. Sometimes you just want things to move way faster. We are talking about a brand, new brain that is learning, learning how to speak, and I believe sometimes you just think that it's easy. Like I said, we take it for granted just because we speak how hard it is to speak, but we're talking about four different language, three different languages, so you have all those difficulties and challenge of learning one language multiplied by three. This is not bad for the kid, but it takes time. It takes time to develop all that and to help. With that time. Here it comes, exposure. Here comes easiness, fun and all that you can provide, and you will enjoy doing it. So because you'll be doing all these fun things with your kids.
Kaisa:Hmm. Yeah, I think that's just, yeah, make language and the exposure to the language and the communication with your kid. This source of energy and a way to connect with your child. If you do that, you will do great.
Camillo:I agree with her.
Kaisa:All right folks, so we just discussed some of the challenges that balancing multiple languages at home brings, but, there are many others. What challenges are you experiencing? Please let us know. We'd love to hear from you.
Camillo:Before we go, I would like to say to everyone that actually I would like to encourage everyone to communicate openly. To value each language and culture and make language learning part of everyday life. That's, I think that's key to, whatever we are trying to achieve with our multilingual children.
Kaisa:That's so true,
Camillo:and that's all for today. I would like to thank you so much for listening to us today. Today was a little bit longer and I see you. In the next episode.
Kaisa:Bye everyone.
