Should You Speak a Non-Native Language to Your Child?

20 - Is it okay to speak a non-native language to your child? In this episode, we explore the realities of multilingual parenting, from heritage languages and second-language parenting to the challenges, benefits, and emotional questions that come with each choice.

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Transcript

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Greetings, everyone, and welcome back to one more episode of The Language Experiment. Hello, everyone. Good to be back. Apologies for not releasing episodes as often as many would expect podcasters to do. Mm. We're just a little bit different. Really? Was, was it that long ago? I think so. I, um, yeah. Who's counting? Who's counting? Exactly. They- Exactly. We're here now. All right. And today's episode is not about releasing one episode a year. In fact, we are here to talk about parenting in a non-native language. So basically we'll be asking the question that many of you are asking, which is,"Is it okay to speak a language to your child that is not your native one?" And this question, in fact, comes up a lot when people talk about multilingual parenting. And the thing is that it's usually not a neutral question. There might be some guilt behind it. Sometimes people are doubting themselves in relation to that question. It's something that people might have strong opinions about, and you might even have other people criticize your approach, and that's why we think it's an important topic to discuss. Yeah, and sometimes it also connects to identity and how we see ourselves as parents. Today we wanna talk through this choice, not to give rules or advice on what you should do, but to understand why parents make this decision and what it can look like over time. And we'll talk about common situations where parents use a non-native language How much that language is used, what can work well, what can feel difficult, and one area that often surprise people Yeah. So let's first talk through the common situations where someone would be using a non-native language. So first, there is a situation where that non-native language is a heritage language And some parents choose a language connected to their family history. It might be their parents' or grandparents' language that they didn't grow up speaking fluently or something they learned later in life There's often a strong emotional reason behind using, uh, heritage language. Those reasons might be wanting to reconnect with roots, culture, and wanting to pass something on For example, many immigrant parents choose not to speak their native language to their children, and those children might grow up feeling they missed out on something, and later they want to give that language back to their own kids This can be something that's really meaningful. At the same time, it can come with pressure to sound authentic or speak that language perfectly. Sometimes this can even lead to conflict with the grandparents or other people because they might not be on board with the decision to use that language. So the second common situation is when that non-native language is a fluent second language. So an example of this is when parents or one of the parents has learned a second language really well as an adult They might have lived abroad, studied in that language, and built their adult life in an environment where that language is spoken. Their partner and friends might They speak that language, their work might happen in that language, et cetera Sometimes they haven't actively used their native language in years, except with maybe family and some friends in their home country. The second language becomes the language of everyday life for this person. choosing that language with their child feels natural. It matches who they are now and how they live. And for many people in this group, it doesn't even feel like a second language anymore. They feel like a native speaker. So the third common situation is when that language is the partner's language or the community language. So there are some parents who decide to use their... who decide to speak their partner's language or to speak the main language of the household that is not their native language. This can happen when one parent does not speak the other parent's native language or when the family lives in a country where one parent's language is present in daily life. Even, uh, people often make this choice because they want everyone in their family to feel included, or maybe they choose it for consistency. They want everyone in the family to understand each other easily. And it can work very well. Still, parenting in a partner's language or community language can feel challenging at times, especially during emotional moments or stressful situations. we described some of the most common situations, and then next we're gonna talk about different levels of usage for this non-native language. first let's talk about exclusive use. Some parents use the non-native language all the time with their child. This approach gives a lot of exposure, which can be really helpful for the child's understanding and confidence in that language. It also takes a lot of energy. Many parents describe feeling mentally tired from always thinking about how to say things. This is especially noticeable when you're tired, stressed, or trying to handle a difficult situation. the second, uh, level of usage would be partial use. So, uh, there are other parents who use the non-native language, uh, part of the time. Maybe it's the family language or the outside-the-home language, while one-on-one conversations happen still in the parent's native language. And this approach is often more manageable over the long term. And you might all know this, uh, approach as the time and place method. So different languages are used in different situations, such as we always speak Japanese during meals, or we sing songs and read bedtime stories in Italian, or we have Arabic days when we only speak that language. Then next we have occasional use. So this is when you use the non-native language, not part-time, but really, uh, selectively. Some families use the language only occasionally, meaning a few phrases, TV, music, books, or conversations with extended family. Using the language this way may not lead, uh, to full fluency for the children, but it can still help with familiarity. The child learns to recognize the language and feel comfortable hearing it And sometimes that's exactly the goal, keeping the language present without turning it into a daily struggle. Next, let's look at the positive aspects of using a non-native language in everyday life with your children, and then let's also look at some of the challenges that might come with it. So there are many positives to using a non-native language because children hear more of the language, and they're getting meaningful exposure to it every day. Even imperfect language or partial understanding still helps. For parents, this can strengthen their own skills in that language. That's especially important in the case of heritage languages that might otherwise fade away. It can also introduce a new language to the child, even if fluency is not the main goal And in some families, this is the only way minority language has any space in daily life And when it comes to challenges, many parents talk about the mental load. They have to think about words and search for expressions. They are constantly evaluating and wondering if things sound right. Child-specific vocabulary can be difficult if it's not the vocabulary you grew up with, words for play, care, discipline, and even comfort. Some parents notice they sound more careful, short, or less spontaneous. Sometimes there can also be a false sense of mastery. Um, parent may feel very confident in the language with adults and then discover gaps when speaking with the child, and those gaps are normal. They are simply part of using a language you didn't grow up with. Next we have adult fluency and parenting in a language. I feel like this is an important bit to talk about because it's something that people often miss. So being fluent in a language with adults does not automatically mean being fluent as a parent. Many people are very comfortable in a second language. They may have studied in that language at university. They speak it with their partner and friends. Their humor might even be tied to that language. They might feel funny, confident, and really expressive in that language But what many don't realize until they actually start speaking this language to their child is that parenting language is different. It includes small daily routines, repeated phrases, and emotional expressions that are usually learned really early in life. So if you didn't grow up hearing that language used with children or when you were a child, you usually have to build that part pretty slowly. So sometimes parents notice their language becomes more descriptive. They explain things, uh, in a longer way or, or different ways because the exact word doesn't come immediately. So for example, I consider myself to have native fluency in English, which I've reached as a, as a grownup, and while I've never spoken to my kids in English exclusively or any other second language, I can see that I would never use the same kind of vocabulary that native speakers use. As an example, when native speakers would tell their kids to buckle up when they're in a car, I would tell them to just fasten their seat belts. When native English speakers would tell their kids, "Take one more bite," I would tell my kids to eat a bit more. It's, it's really clear what's being communicated, but there are subtle differences in that language, and if you are exclusively speaking a non-native language to your kids, those can add up. It's important to think about these things for the sake of self-awareness and understand that in adult interactions, it doesn't matter so much which words or, uh, idioms you use, but with children, you're not only communicating, you're also teaching. And some of the small cultural details may be missed at first, nursery rhymes, playful expressions, or familiar ways of comforting a child. But it's possible to learn over time, and many parents do it successfully. And some parents discover that they actually like the simpler language. It feels clear and practical, even if it sounds different from a native speaker. Would then that mean that speaking a second language to your child can be harmful? And this is a question that comes up surprisingly often. Some parents are very motivated to speak a second language to their child, but the people around them are not always supportive. We've heard many stories where a partner, a grandparent, or a friend says something like, "Don't do that. You'll confuse the child," or, "You should only speak your native language." And That can make parents feel uncertain, especially if they're already questioning their own language skills. But let's address this directly. Speaking a second language to your child is not harmful when it's a language you know well or a heritage language that you are actively improving and using regularly. Children benefit from hearing different languages. Exposure to language is generally a positive thing, especially when the parents feel comfortable using it in everyday situations. Where things can become more complicated is when a parent tries to use a language they don't know very well. That can still be okay in small amounts, especially if it's used in specific situations, like reading a book or singing songs. This is where the time and place approach can be very helpful. You use the language in limited and predictable way without relying on it for all communication. There's also one important thing to keep in mind. Your child is not your language learning partner. A child learns from the language they hear. They need a clear and consistent quality input. If the language you speak is very limited, it can be difficult for them to build strong skills from that exposure. But that doesn't mean you should give up on the language. It simply means being realistic about what you can offer right now and continue to improve your own skills if the language matters to you. Another factor to consider is connection. Languages tend to develop when they are connected to real life. That could be family, community, culture, school, or daily routines. When there is no clear connection, the language can feel forced, both for the parent and also for the child. For example, sometimes parents want their child to learn a language they studied years ago or a language they believe will be useful in the future. Maybe they heard that it will open doors professionally. That motivation can be good, and parents generally want to give their children the best opportunities. Still, if the language is not used in the child's environment and there's no emotional or social connection to it, maintaining it can be very difficult. Fully outsourcing it might also be expensive. There are also situations where families live in communities where one language dominates daily life and parents would like to add another language that they already speak well, even if it's not the main language around them. For example, here in Portugal, I know Brazilian families where the mothers speak fluent English. They are a part of a very international community where English is often used for communication, and they would like to start exposing their children to English in that specific setting. Some people around them question that choice and wonder if it makes sense to add another language. I personally think that's a really reasonable idea. In that situation, the language has a clear purpose and a real place in their lives. Using English in that setting can give children extra exposure and help them feel comfortable participating in that community. It doesn't have to be the main language at home. Even limited, meaningful exposure in the right context can actually be really valuable. So the key idea is quite simple. The better you know a language, the more you can naturally share it with your child, and the stronger the connection to that language, the easier it is to keep using it over time and the stronger the motivation will be for the parents to work on skills in that language. And if you're unsure, it's perfectly fine to start small and observe how it feels and then adjust as you go. So after talking through all of this, I think one of the key takeaways is that there really isn't any correct choice when it comes to language. Every family situation is different And every language choice comes with its own set of benefits and challenges. What works well for one family might feel exhausting or unrealistic for another. And that's why awareness matters so much. It helps to be honest with yourself about how a language feels in your day-to-day life, especially during the harder moments when you're tired, stressed, or trying to comfort your child. It also can be useful to notice which language you naturally fall back on in those moments. That usually tells you something important about where you feel most comfortable and most expressive. And sometimes the answer is not about choosing one language over another, but about finding a balance that feels sustainable for your family. Now, we want to make sure that we set things as clear as possible here. Speaking a non-native language to your child does not make you a worse parent, and choosing your native language does not make you less committed to multilingualism. What matters most is that communication feels natural enough that you can be responsive and emotionally available to your child. And if you notice challenges along the way, that's normal. Many parents adjust their approach over time as their children grow and their own confidence changes. So if you're currently parenting in a non-native language or maybe thinking about it, this is a good moment to pause and reflect. Ask yourself whether the language choice still feels right for your family and whether it supports the kind of connection you want to have with your child. There might be times when you want to change your approach and speak a second language to your children, but they say no. Like in my case, when I wanted to start speaking French to my kids. They did not like that idea and I had to accept it. It's good to remember the language decisions are not permanent. You experiment and change things no matter where you are on your multilingual parent journey. And that's all we wanted to discuss for this episode. Thank you so much for listening and emailing us, writing messages, sending questions. Please keep that going. We'd love to hear your feedback. And if you have any suggestions for episodes that you would like to listen to in the future, just let us know. And we'll see you on the next one. Bye-bye. Bye.